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2014
August
Ambiguous Loss
Follow Me! Published by Jana on August 17, 2014 | 19 Responses
Search Nearly three and a half months have passed since my husband told me he was not interested in continuing our marriage of over a quarter century. It was devastating…it IS devastating. Dozens of times throughout the day, when I think of him or the situation, that familiar stabbing pain in my stomach hits me. I breathe in deeply and forcefully blow the air out in a noisy sigh, telling myself things will be okay even as tears prick my eyes. It’s frustrating to spend so much time thinking of him – I don’t WANT to think of him or care that he is gone. I want the pain to stop.
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Before my husband announced his departure, he thoughtfully signed us up as members of AARP. (Congratulations! You’re officially old!) I occasionally get the AARP magazine in the mail and, as I was waiting for the oil in my car to be changed yesterday, I perused the latest issue. There was an article titled The Missing that had the teaser “When loved ones disappear – either physically or psychologically – the pain of their loss can lead to a crippling form of complex grief.” The beginning of the story talked about a woman whose fiancé was on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, which went missing in early March. She discusses the surreal aspect of not knowing what happened, how “your heart just drops into your stomach” each
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time there was an announcement of a possible sighting of debris, of how she was “locked in a kind of emotional limbo” because her fiancé was not dead or alive – he was just gone. The woman aptly explained that instead of going through those five famous stages of grief, “all of those phases happen on an hourly basis. It’s exhausting.” What she said resonated with me – it mirrored what I was feeling on so many levels – but I
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couldn’t possibly compare my mundane situation with her tragic event…could I? This thought persisted as I read other stories in the article: a sister whose brother went missing in Vietnam; a
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man whose wife was in the World Trade Center on that fateful day and was among 1,115
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victims whose physical remains have never been found; the woman whose husband went
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sailing for the day and never came home. While I could relate so well to their feelings and
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emotions, their stories were profound and unusual, their loss so tangible – it was nothing like RSS - Posts
my situation.
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But I read on and discovered more about this stage of “frozen grief,” called ambiguous loss. It can surely stem from catastrophic events or natural disasters when loved ones go missing. However, according to the researcher and therapist who coined the term, Pauline Boss, more ordinary events can have the same effect: a parent who disappears after a divorce; a spouse who suffers from dementia due to illness or injury – no longer the person you knew; an unexpectedly severed relationship. According to the authors of the article, “both types of disappearance trigger a kind of stressful, unresolved emotional state that is distinct from traditional grief” which is not easily resolved with normal treatment with a therapist – because “there is nothing wrong with the person. There is something wrong with the situation itself.” The article helped me to define what was going on in my life – why I might be feeling the way I have been feeling. Because while I understand my husband doesn’t love me and the marriage is over – what I don’t understand is WHY. How did he go from declarations of love, an enthusiastic promise to work on himself and the marriage, and an anniversary trip of a lifetime, to a decision to leave the marriage just two months later? He has been unwilling, or unable, to give me an answer – that closure I so desperately desire. Instead, when I can get him to address the issue at all, he spouts vague clichés: “We have nothing in common,” and “We are like oil and water.” Recently, my husband’s secretive actions, atypical behavior, and avoidance of any conversation or questions from me have led me to believe that he may have been living a lie during our marriage and to wonder if he is currently having a relationship with someone else. I asked about an affair shortly after he told me he didn’t love me anymore, while he was still living at home, and he denied it emphatically. However, something is going on – I know my husband well enough to know that. My dear friends tell me that I’m investing too much energy into the wondering and the angst of not knowing – that I should focus on myself and start believing in my own self-worth. I was becoming frustrated with myself for not being able to move past this and for being so concerned with finding out the why of the situation. I’m glad I stumbled across this article, which explained so clearly and succinctly why I might be feeling the way I do. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but understanding that living with ambiguous loss is different from normal grief and that I’m not crazy because I’m having trouble coming to terms with my situation is comforting and helpful. It makes sense that ambiguous loss, this “failure of narrative…and reluctance to accept story lines that feel unfinished” is not abnormal and that it’s okay that I “want a period at the end of the sentence.” Boss explains that “resolution may come only after learning to psychologically balance the likelihood of never knowing what happened with the possibility of, just maybe, someday knowing. This is about adapting to having no facts.” It is a multistage, complicated process and the article gives some helpful tips on coping – such as not to blame myself, to redefine myself, and to express my emotions instead of keeping them bottled up. It also suggests that, even and while I’m grieving for my loss, I can cultivate new relationships and, in time, I’ll “become more comfortable with the uncertainty and find things I can control to balance the ongoing ambiguity.” I know that time will help with the pain and loss – and I’m working every day on myself and ways to deal with the stress. But I can’t help but wish I had the money to hire a private detective and find out for sure what secret my husband is hiding – but while I know that particular ambiguity might be resolved, it also might raise new questions that may be forever unanswered.
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Posted in Change, Emotions, Not funny, Possibly educational Tagged AARP, Ambiguous loss, Divorce, frozen grief, Loss, Marriage, Secrets
lrconsiderer August 17, 2014 at 2:45 pm | Permalink | Reply
No, I’m with you. I would always, always, ALWAYS rather know. Even if it’s devastating. Because not knowing, and the tangles you can get yourself into in your brain, never ending cycles of possibilities and wonderings and tangents and….oh hell it fucks you up good! (another situation entirely for me, but I get it) I’m so sorry you have this to try to manage, but glad you’ve discovered some information and writing and description on it. That has to help a little. Loading...
Jana August 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm | Permalink | Reply
I’m SO late in responding to your comment, Lizzi! My apologies! I’m glad you know where I’m coming from. Even as a child and through my adulthood, I’ve found that when things are in limbo, I’m adrift and anxious. When I have a clear answer — even if that answer is horrible — I’m always able to regroup, focus, and do what needs to be done to move on. Loading...
Mandi August 17, 2014 at 2:56 pm | Permalink | Reply
Jana, I’m not sure I can offer you any helpful advice or even words. What you’re going through sounds terrible, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing such a heart breaking amount of confusion. I think you said up there somewhere that what you need to do is focus on yourself. I think that’s probably the best start. Whether than waste your energy on trying to figure out why maybe try to figure out…what’s next for you. You deserve happiness, and you most definitely deserve that period at the end of your sentence, but maybe just maybe, you can write the period for yourself. Loading...
Jana August 17, 2014 at 5:37 pm | Permalink | Reply
I like that thought, Mandi. I’m going to try to ask him to tell me what is going on — but if he doesn’t, I can’t do anything about that. I will have to write a period for myself at that point. Loading...
Michelle August 17, 2014 at 4:11 pm | Permalink | Reply
I get why you want to know. You want to know because YOU WANT TO KNOW. I get it. I hope you do find out. But more than anything… above all else, I want you to find peace my sister. I’m thinking of you and I am pulling for you. Loading...
Jana August 17, 2014 at 5:45 pm | Permalink | Reply
I appreciate the support Michelle! I can always count on you! Loading...
Terri August 18, 2014 at 7:49 am | Permalink | Reply
Terri August 18, 2014 at 12:49 pm | Permalink | Reply
The above was ‘supposed’ to be a HUG…So here it is HUUUG Loading...
Jana August 18, 2014 at 9:02 pm | Permalink | Reply
I totally got that! You don’t even have to post a word — I could FEEL your good intentions and vibe radiating off of the empty screen Loading...
qwertygirl August 18, 2014 at 2:16 pm | Permalink | Reply
I find it interestingly ironic that the comfort in this situation came from an action of your husband’s. Sorry you’re having a rough time! Loading...
Jana August 18, 2014 at 9:00 pm | Permalink | Reply
LOL! I hadn’t made that connection! You know, for as much as I bitch and whine, at heart I don’t think Doc is a horrible man. He has many good qualities (which is why I married him in the first place). It’s just now he is going through something that is turning him into someone I don’t really recognize anymore. I’m trying to move on with my life without ending up hating him — it would just be easier if he was honest and open with me. Loading...
qwertygirl August 18, 2014 at 9:41 pm | Permalink | Reply
It’s hard when someone seems to have turned on you, and you can’t understand why. It feels like you (not you the personal, you the collective– substitute “one,” if you will) haven’t changed, and it doesn’t really seem like they’ve changed that much, so WHAT changed?? Why, all of a sudden, are things now different when nothing seemed to change? It’s an unsettling mystery. And yes, when it feels like someone is hiding something, it’s VERY disturbing. I found out completely by accident that my husband had a profile on some website for people who want to have affairs. When I confronted him, he said it wasn’t that he wanted to have an affair, just that the interest women showed in him was reinforcing, or whatever. I asked him how he’d like it if I had a profile like that on a site like that. He deleted his (and, as far as I know–of course I can’t be certain since gmail is free, after all, and he could have signed up with an email account I don’t know about–hasn’t put up another one). But that sure was an unpleasant surprise. Loading...
maurnas August 21, 2014 at 4:44 pm | Permalink | Reply
You know what would distract you from what he is up to? Having sex with a wildly inappropriately younger man. Just saying… Loading...
Jana August 22, 2014 at 11:55 am | Permalink | Reply
So, *looks around and lowers voice conspiratorially* don’t think I haven’t thought about it. What I really would like is just to hire a high class professional — he’d be gorgeous, clean, know how to get the job done right, wouldn’t have to be asked to wear a condom, and it would just be good sex — no relationship shit, no awkward “let’s get to know each other first”, no potentially skeezy or serial killer types. However, if you want the high class goods, they cost a pretty penny (ummm..so I’ve been told) — and then there is the whole illegal business. Sigh. Good thing I have a lot of batteries. Loading...
maurnas August 22, 2014 at 3:40 pm | Permalink | Reply
I have long maintained that I should provide dominatrix services for men and orgasm services for women. That would be such a satisfying job. Giving everyone what they want. I could be a sex therapist. PS: As a woman, I am sure you can find a good looking guy to provide that service for you free of charge and fully legally. Loading...
Inion N. Mathair August 21, 2014 at 6:39 pm | Permalink | Reply
Hi Jana: First off, we’re so sorry we’ve been ghosts as of late. We’ve been locked away in our writing room trying to finish Book #2 in our P-7 series & have missed our blogging buds (such as you) so much!!! But we’re almost thru & can’t wait to get back to our regular visits again. Now onto your heartwrenching post! Jana, I’m so, so sorry!! And I mean that from the heart. I don’t know what you’re going through personally. But I live with my mother who does. 50 years into her marriage, my dad went in for flu like conditions & was given 3 months to live. He died 78 days later, on my 40th birthday. She has never been the same. Now…you said that these peoples pain was somehow more profound than yours. And that you’re situation couldn’t be compared to theirs. But I disagree. I think for my mom and these people, it’s a little easier to accept death as a right of passage that we all must go thru. Their loved ones we’re taken by nature; they didn’t walk away from them! Therefore I believe your plight to be far more stressful & painful to the mind & heart!! Having said that, I want to go on a rant telling you what I think of your husband. Only out of pain for you my dear!!! And Lizzi’s right. The “Unknown” can be a far more painful enemy and a wrenching experience than anything he could tell you!! But Jana, you are an intelligent, beautiful, loyal, funny and passionate woman who can rise above this pathetic excuse of a partner!!! View this fork in the road of your life as just that. Now’s the time to seize the day. Your life is just starting. Make plans, keep them, try something new, meet new people while keeping those close to you and supportive just that…close by!!! See life for what it is. A do-over!! And when you feel like it, give Inion & I a call and we’ll have the Ben & Jerry’s ready and the chick flicks for an allnight girl’s slumber party!!!
lol Take care sweety & know that you’re in
our thoughts!!! xoxo