Idea Transcript
Some Questions & Answers?
Well, what can I say about the items in this section, hmm, how one man could collect so many Q & A jokes is beyond me, but my honorary friend Charles rivard from Arizona has done just that. Skeet, big thanks for sending me your collection and always stay as honorary as you are now, *smile*. Happy reading folks! Rather than showing you one never ending list, I've grouped them into chapters, each of which has around sixty funnies in it, so one chapter at a time is probably all you'll be able to cope with! Just click on the link in the list and you'll be taken to that section.
Your chapter listing... Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10
, Ok, here they come....
Questions & Answers, Chapter 1 Q: Why can't women find a caring sensitive man? A: Because they all have boyfriends. Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push Mrs. Dumpty off the wall? A: He wanted to see her crack. Q: Did you hear about the gynecologist who quit, and became an interior decorator? A: He was amazing. He wall papered the whole house through the keyhole. Q: What's the best way to make crab cakes? A: Start from scratch. Q: What was the worst thing about trick or treating as O.J. Simpson? A: You had to give half your candy to Johnny Cockran. Q: What do you call it when you carve your pumpkin too early? A: Premature ejack-o-lattern. Q: What did Ted Bundy's mom do when she found out he was guilty? A: She made sure he was grounded. Q: How do people in Gila Bend celebrate Halloween? A: They pump kin. Q: What's the number one Halloween disguise in Gila Bend? A: Good dental work. Q: Why did the Polish spy bug the enemy's toilet? A: So he could monitor all their movements. Q: What is the biggest fear of an Olympic hurdler? A: Bangkok. Q: Why don't witches wear underwear? A: To get a better grip on the broom. Q: Why did two peanuts go to the police station? A: Because one was assaulted. Q: What do promiscuous vampires do for Halloween? A: They invite a bunch of women over for a gang fang. Q: Did you hear about the Gila Bend guy who went to Las Vegas? A: He lost all of his money playing the stamp machine. Q: Why don't elephants use tampons? A: you wouldn't either if you had to put them in with your nose. Q: What's the difference between a clitoris and a bar? A: Nine out of ten men can find a bar. Q: Did you hear about the truck full of wigs that overturned on the freeway? A: The police are combing the area. Q: What does safe sex for a politician mean? A: No news coverage afterwards. Q: Did you hear about the two Gila bend hunters? A: They were driving along and they came to a sign that said "bear left", so they went home. Q: What did the guy from Gila Bend do when his girlfriend told him to bring protection? A: He brought his big brother with him. Q: What has one arm and four legs? A: A pit bull. Q: Did you hear that there's a new condom on the market designed for men over 60? A: It's called software. Q: Where did the two crabs meet and fall in love? A: The policeman's ball. Q: Did you hear about the two gay spiders? A: They couldn't keep away from each other's flies. Q: Why do men get hemoroids less often than women? A: Men are more perfect assholes. Q: How do we know P.M.S. has been around forever? A: It's right there in the bible. "Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." Q: What do you call a donkey thief? A: An ass swiper. Q: Why are chickens so ugly? A: You'd be ugly too, if you had a pecker hanging out of your face. Q: Have you heard about the new African-Mexican restaurant? A: It's called "Nacho-Mamma." Q: What do you call a goodlooking lady on the arm of a guy from Gila Bend? A: A tattoo. Q: What lies on the ground a hundred feet in the air? A: A dead centipede. Q: What kind of tea do birds drink? A: Nest tea. Q: What would you call a girl who gets stoned all day and makes home made rugs all night? A: The happy hooker. Q: What's another name for a yeast infection? A: Hole wheat. Q: What were the last words that George Washington said to his men before they got into the boat to cross the Petomac? A: Get in the boat men. Q: Why did the receptionist get a raise from her boss? A: She was constantly trying his extension. Q: What has bread on both sides and frightens easily? A: A chicken sandwich. Q: Why do you get paid more money at a sperm bank than at a blood bank? A: Because the sperm is hand made. Q: What do politicians and porn stars have in common? A: They're both experts in changing positions in front of a camera. Q: Why did the chicken cross Hollywood Boulevard? A: Because he wanted to see Gregory Peck. Q: How do you cook toilet paper? A: You brown it on one side and throw it in the pot. Q: What did the blind salesman say when the lady answered her door naked? A: "Hey, nice tits, can I interest you in buying some vertical blinds?" Q: Did you hear about the Sun City woman who looks ten years younger when she goes braless? A: Yeh. It pulls all the wrinkles out of her face. Q: do boats sink often? A: No, only once. Q: What restaurant did Joan of Ark eat at? A: Ruth's Chris Burnt at the Steak House. Q: What do you know about Eskimos? A: Well, I know I ate their pies. Q: did you hear about the mother of twin boys who tells them apart by their balls? A: Yeh, one bawls all day and one bawls all night. Q: How did the man who never cursed expressed his disappointment after Breen Bay lost to Dallas? A: "Oh, fudge Packers!" Q: How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change it and two to tell him what a great damn job he did despite all the negative bull crap he had to put up with all damn season long. Back to the Q and A listing
Questions & Answers, Chapter 2 Q: What is the definition of endless love? A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. Q: Did you hear about the new guy at the nudist colony? A: He sticks out like a sore thumb. Q: What's wrinkled and hangs out your underwear? A: Your mother. Q: What did Snow Wite say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Well, I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible." Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide. Q: What do you call a six foot tall black lumberjack who wears an evening gown?? A: Rue Paul Bunyon. Q: Did you hear about the concert hall where they attached live wires to all the guys testicals? A: It's called the electric ball room. Q: What's the worst part about being a candle maker? A: You always have to work on the wick ends. Q: What is anal sex? A: That's something any ass can do. Q: What do you call a nun who sleep walks? A: A roamin' Catholic. Q: Did you hear that O.J. made a special appearance on the golf channel last night? A: Yeh, he told viewers how to play their way out of a terrible lie. Q: Did you hear about the cat who ate yarn? A: She had mittens. Q: Did you hear they're recalling the new Michael Jackson screen savers for P.sees? A: Yeh they're defective. They all eventually fade to white. Q: What has three balls and comes from out of space? A: E.T.: the extra testical. Q: How do you know that air conditioning for cars was invented by three Jewish guys? A: Well, just take a look at the settings: High, Max, and Norm. Q: Who made the ffirst soft drink? A: That was Adam. He made Eve's cherry pop. Q: What's the first thing you see when you walk into a topless restaurant? A: Hostess twinkies. Q: What is the worst part of a dream date? A: When your wife wakes you up from it. Q: What should you give a man who has everything? A: A woman to show him how to use it. Q: What do you call a bunch of millionaires watching the Super Bowl? A: The 49ers. Q: What did the European hooker say when the doctor asked her if she had a checkup down there? A: "No, but I had a Yugoslavian up there last night." Q: How come clever men don't make good husbands? A: The clever men don't become husbands. Q: How does crossing fifty female pigs and fifty male deer get you rich? A: When you get a hundred sousand bucks. Q: What's the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. Q: What do you call a woman with one leg? A: Ilene. Q: Where does she work? A: IHOP. Q: What do you call a woman from Gila bend who practices birth control? A: A humanitarian. Q: What's a crime a lepper can not commit? A: Armed robbery. Q: Why are weddings cheaper in Gila Bend? A: They only have to invite one family. Q: What do alcohol and plastic garbage bags have in common? A: They both make trash more attractive. Q: How can you tell when a man is planning for the future? A: He buys a case of beer instead of a six pack. Q: What do you get when you add fifty lesbians and fifty politicians? A: One-hundred people who don't do dick. Q: How does a woman find out what it's like not to have a man around? A: When she gets married. Q: What did Bob Dole say when he was asked if he'd ever visited Gila Bend? A: "Yes, I drove through there, but I didn't inhale." Q: What do you call a Pollock whith hemorroids and one leg? A: A polaroid one step. Q: Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant? A: 'Cause Ken comes in a separate box. Q: Why can't two elephants go swimming at once? A: 'Cause they only have one pair of trunks. Q: What do you get when you cross a woman from Gila Bend with a boomerang? A: A very nasty smell that keeps coming back. Q: Hey, did you hear that O.J. took a big loss when he sold his New York apartment? A: Yeah. Don't feel to bad. He made a killing on his property in L.A. Q: What's the definition of an orgasm? A: A gland finale. Q: did you hear about the gay guy on the bus? A: He kept offering his seat to any one. Q: Why aren't there any Asians in the N.H.L.? A: Everytime they go into the corner they open up a convenience store. Q: What's a Gila bend vibrator? A: A mop handle and six relatives shaking the bed. Q: If its sexual harassment when a man talks dirty to a woman, what is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A: About $2.95 a minute. Q: When do cannibals leave the table? A : After everyone's eaten. Q: why is it difficult to pronounce fellatio? A: Well, it's quite a mouth full. Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall? A: A crack in the ceiling. Q: What does an Irishman do if he can't find his glasses? A: He drinks straight from the bottle. Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who brought a 300-piece dinner set for his wife? A: Yeh. it was supposed to be a ten piece set but on the way home he got drunk and tripped. Q: What happens when you drink Irish whiskey? A: Well, you see double and act single. Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? A: 5. One to change it, and four to stand there and say, "I can do that." Q: What do they do at the Irish factory to keep workers on their toes? A: They raise the urinals six inches. Q: Did you hear about the new Irish diet? A: Two quarts of whiskey a day and you forget you're fat. Q: How do you know god wants Irish people to have more kids? A: He let's them drink on Sundays, doesn't he? Q: Where does an Irishman go on vacation? A: To a different pub. Q: Why was the Irishman so eager to join Alcoholics Annonymous? A: That way he could drink under an assumed name. Q: How does a dog tell you he doesn't want to learn how to sit? A: He says, "Rau oof, rau oof. Q: If gin makes you grin, and whiskey makes you frisky, what makes you pregnant? A: Two highballs and a squirt. Q: Did you hear about the all-Irish chapter of Alcoholics Annonymous? A: They applied for a liquor license. Q: Why was Helen Keller such a lousy driver? A: BeCause she's a woman. Q: What do you call a man who shows up with flowers and chocolates? A: Guilty of something. Q: What do men and fish have in common? A: Women tend to throw the little ones back and mount the big ones. Q: What is the difference between a Scottsman and the Rolling Stones? A: the Stones sing "Hey, you! Get off my cloud." A Scottsman shouts, "Hey, McCloud, get off my ewe." Q: Did you hear that the Freemen in Montana have found two new uses for sheep? A: Wool and food. Q: What do people with incurable bad breath do? A: They become dentists. Q: Why are mothers in Gila Bend so strong? A: They all raise dumbells. Q: Do you know why cavemen drag their women by the hair? A: If they'd drag them by their feet they'd fill up with rocks. Q: What did the king do when he heard that the queen was doing it with two court jesters? A: He walked in and scared the wits out of her. Back to the Q and A listing
Questions & Answers, Chapter 3 Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: What do you get when you cross a convertible and Madonna? A: A singer who's top comes off easily. Q: What's the diference between an I.R.S. agent and a vampire? A: A vampire stops sucking the life out of you once you die. Q: What's the difference between pink and purple? A: Your grip. Q: Why did the guy stuff his nose with money? A: So he could blow it all on his girlfriend. Q: What do they call Madonna's baby if it's born early? A: A premadonna. Q:What do you say to a guy with no arms and no legs hitchhiking on the side of the road? A: "Which way you going?" Q: What does the Kentucky Derby and Rose Anne Barr's panty hoes have in common? A: They both have a quarter mile stretch. Q: Why does Jerry Foster do more meth in the sky than on the ground? A: In the sky there's no speed limit. Q: How can you tell you're getting old? A: When you talk about getting some action,you mean your prune juice is working. Q: How does a redneck propose? A: "You're what!?" Q: What's the difference between Nabisco and a German? A: Nabisco makes fig newtons; Germans fart fig newtons. Q: What's the definition of safe sex in south Phoenix? A: Locking the car doors. Q: What do you get when you cross the uni bomber with Bambi? A: A bomberdeer Q: What's the difference between a nail and a screw? A: Well, it takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it. Q: How does the priest feel about masturbation? A: Ah, he says it's better than nun. Q: Why is the internet like a vagina? A: Well, some people would play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. Q: Have you heard about the new line of clothes they have out for homeless folk? A: It's called no wash and wear. Q: did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? A: Ah, he just adored the platter of little feet. Q: Whatt's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? A: Ah, usually about 45 pounds. What's the worst thing about working at a fire hydrant factory? You can't park anywhere near the place. How do you ventilate a whore house? Put the blowers on the second floor. What do you get when you cross an Iranian and a Mexican? Oil of oh lay. How can you tell when a career woman has an orgasm? She drops her briefcase. What do you call a guy from Gila Bend laying under a wheelbarrow? A mechanic. Why do guys from Gila Bend have big noses? Because they have big fenders. Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor? Everything at work was starting to look a little fuzzy to him. What's the unibomber's biggest nightmare? Return to sender. Why aren't blondes good cow herders? They can't even keep two calves together. What did the guy in Gila Bend say when his sister had a baby? "Ah, I'll be a monkey's uncle." What do you call a person from Gila Bend that marrys a gorilla? A social climber. What do women and fire trucks have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming. What's the difference between a rhinoceros and the Lawrence Welks orchestra? The rhino has the horn in the front and the asshole in the rear. Did you hear about the guy from Gila Bend who died from drinking varnish? He had a terrible end but a real nice finish. What did the dyslexic cop do when he arrested the topless dancers? He put them all behind bras. Have you heard about the mail bomber in Gila bend? He telephones his victims. Did you hear about the guy who's a veterinarian and a taxidermist? There's a sign on his door that says: "either way you'll get your dog back." What's the difference between a prostitute and a nymphomaniac? A nymphomaniac says, "Please, feel free." What happens if you attend a cannibal religious ceremony? You will be thoroughly stirred. What did the high school boys say to the flat chested girl when they looked down her shirt? "Nice shoes." What did the Gila Bend man say when he entered the trophy store? Wow, this guy's good!" What does it say at the top of all ladders in Gila Bend? Stop! What's the penalty for peeping toms in Gila Bend? They have to keep watching. why was governor Simington so tuff on criminals? He couldn't stand the competition. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a prostitute? A two ton pickup. What do the sewage treatment plant and the mall have in common? Well, the day after Thanksgiving is always the busiest day of the year. Why did the chicken with the training bra cross the road? To get to the other size. Why don't Gila Benders like to go duck hunting? Well, they have a lot of trouble throwing their dogs that high in the air. Did you hear about the guy from Gila Bend who got fired from his job at NASA? Everytime they said launch he'd go on break for an hour. Did you hear about the two hunters from Gila Bend that ran into a naked woman in the woods? They asked her if she was game, and she said "yeh", so they shot her. Who's the poorest person in Gila bend? The tooth fairy. How do you double the price of your home in Gila Bend? Put new tires on it. did you hear about the trendy new restaurant O.J. Simpson's opening? It's called Planet Homicide. What did the British driver say to the hitchhiker with no arms and no legs? "Well, you look armless, 'op in." What's the true meaning of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex. Why is a state worker like a broken shotgun? Well, they won't work,and you can't fire them. When is beer and your mother-in-law at their best? When their cold, open, and on the table. Why did the Gynecologist get so mad? A bunch of his patients complained that the charges on his bill smelled a little fishy. Why did the girl from Gila Bend wear red lipstick? Because it means stop! wrong hole. Why is it men can't get mad cow disease? Because their all pigs. did you hear about the 150 pound man who had 75 pound testicals? Yeh! he was half nuts. What is the real definition of a spouse? That's someone who stands by you through all the trouble that you would have never had if you'd stayed single. How did Satan really get Eve to eat the apple? He gave it to her and said, "Hey, eat this. It'll make your tits get bigger." What's the definition of a bisexual guy? That's a guy who likes women as much as the next guy. Why did the gynecologist hate playing golf with his father? because pap smears him everytime. What do you call a race between slim Wittman and a nun? A race between slim and none. Who wrote the book leprosy? I am Rotten. Why did the banana go out with the prune? 'Cause he couldn't get a date. Back to the Q and A listing
Questions & Answers, Chapter 4 What do you call an explosion in a French kitchen? A linoleum blown apart. How does a gay guy screw a girl? He makes a date with her and doesn't show up. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's just like everyone else? Norm. what does a football coach do when his players get tackled in the mud? He sends in the scrub team. what do you call a proctologist's office? Enema territory. Why are a lot of hookers going to college now? Because they know they can get a Hugh Grant. what happened after the college professor gave his gorgeous female student a little quizzy? He gave her a little testie. How does a woman from Gila Bend put on a bra? She starts at her belly button and counts up four rolls. How can you tell you're in a Gila Bend hotel? You call down to the front desk and tell them you gotta leak in your sink and he says, "okay, go ahead." Why is a clitorous like Antarctica? Well, most men know it's there but they've never found it. Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the raccoon it could be done. What are the three main parts of a wood stove? Lifter leg and poker. How does a butcher introduce his wife? "Meet Patty." Why did the gynecologist's wife get mad during foreplay? She was tired of him always thinking about work. What did Cowboys' owner Jery Jones say to Michael Irving the last time he bailed him out? "Hey, pal! You are supposed to be endorsing Niki and Pepsi, not nooky and coke!" What did jerry Jones say to Michael Irving the last time he bailed him out? "It's okay to take out a topless dancer, just don't touch her crack." Why did the gay guy get an erection on the dance floor? Because his partner danced like an asshole. If the answer is a shot in the arm, then what's the question? What could help bob Dole, and destroy the Smashing Pumpkins? What did the gay guy say to his buddy when the beautiful woman walked by? "Ah, you know I wish sometimes I were a lesbian." did you hear about the homeless snake? Yeh. He didn't have a pit to piss in. What's the difference between a factory worker, a titlest, and a buttler? One made your balls, and the other balls your maid. Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise. What do good cowgirls do? They keep their calves together. What would you have if the Ladies' Professional Golf Association had a work stoppage? No balls and a strike. what's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? A porcupine has pricks on the outside. What's the diffence between an optimist, a pessimist, and a realist? An optimist thinks the glass is half full; The pessimist thinks its half empty; and a realistknows that if he hangs around long enough he's going to have to wash the glass. What is the difference between a blonde in the daytime and a blonde at night? In the daytime, she's fair and bucksome. How do you spot a level headed Texan? He's got tobacco juice running out of both corners of his mouth. How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None. It turned itself in. Why are husbands like lawn moers? They're hard to get started, they emit foul odors, and they don't work half the time. What did Shakespeare say when he was deciding whether or not to smoke the joint he rolled? "Doobee or not doobee, that is the question." Why did the masturbater commit suicide? He discovered he wasn't his type. Did you hear about the two ships that collided--one carrying blue paint the other carrying purple paint? Both crews were marooned. What's the difference between circumcission and divorce? With divorce you get rid of the whole dick. What did the guy from Gila Bend do with his first fifty cent piece? He married her. Does Bob Dole wear boxers or briefs? Uh, depends. Did you hear about the man who fell for the Amish woman? After about a week he drove her buggy. What did the guy say when he bought a new car for his wife? "Nice trade!" Did you hear about the Gila Bend cheerleader who slept with the football team? She wound up with athlete's fetus. What were you before you were mama's boy? Papa's little squirt. What's it called when a gymnast completely reverses himself and lands on his feet? That's called the Bill Clinton. Why do blondes pencil in their eyebrows? Awe, they have to draw the line somewhere. If the answer is bitch, bitch, bitch, what's the question? What do you call a fashion model with multiple personalities? What's the definition of Martial Arts in Gila Bend? Drawings by Matt Dillon. Why does Mexico's summer olympic team do so poorly? Any Mexican who can run, jump, or swim has crossed the border and they're living here. What law firm represented Ted Kennedy for the ChapaQuidic incident? Winer, Diner, Dicker, and Dunker. What goes, "99; clunk; 99; clunk; 99; clunk? A centipede with a wooden leg. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company. Did you hear about the real woman doll? When you put a ring on it's finger, it's hips spread. What did the blonde say to her swimming instructor? "Would I really drown if you pull your finger out?" What's the bad thing about your husband exercising to lose weight? When he's doing it so he can fit into your clothing. What's the best way to make Mexican Chili? Put a pop sickle up his butt. How do you get five-hundred cows into a barn n Gila Bend? Put up a Bingo sign. When is it bad for your wife to greet you at the door in the nude? When she's the one coming home. What is the definition of a consultant? A man who knows fifty ways to make love but doesn't know any women. What did the constipated gay guy say to his pal? "Hey, with friends like you, who needs enemas. How do you know if a teenager has really bad acne? His dog calls him Spot. Why did the chicken go halfway across the road? To lay it on the line. How do you know if a Chinese guy has robbed your house? Your math homework's done and your cat is missing. How did the guy in Gila Bend get hurt? Playing leap frog with a unicorn. How do you double the value of a car in gila Bend? Fill it with gas. What do you get when you cross a turkey with a cat? A pussy gobbler. What did the blonde in tight jeans say to the guy who asked her, "how could anyone get into those tight jeans?" "Well, you can start by buying me a drink." What is the difference between a young cactus and a school bus? One has the little pricks on the outside. What's the diference between a dirty old man and a nice gentleman? About a million bucks. What do you call an Asian college student that has been run over by a steam roller? Frat boy. What do you call a guy from Gila Bend carrying a goat under one arm, and a sheep under the other arm? Bisexual. How many 70's disco dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to boogie up the ladder; and one to say, "get down!" What's more impressive than a man who can play the piano by ear? A man who can fiddle with his Willie. What's brown and wrinkled and lays at the bottom of a bell tower? The Lunch Bag of Notre Dame. Did you hear about the Asian couple who gave birth to an African-American baby? They named it Sum Ting Wong. Back to the Q and A listing
Questions & Answers, Chapter 5 what do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quadro sinko. What did the guy from Gila Bend say when he stuck his head in the toilet bowl? He said, "howdie, dudy. How did he gay poker player win the last hand? He pulled a queen out of his ass. Why do hippos mate underwater? That's the only way to keep a 400 pound pussy wet. What do you call a female turtle? A clitortus. Where does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Out of a catalog. What's the worst thing about political jokes? They get elected. What does it say on a hypochondriac's tombstone? "See, I told you I was sick." What did the guy from Gila Bend say when he flunked sex education? "ah, that damn teacher, I'm gonna kick her in the balls." Why was the guy from Gila Bend interested in his family tree? They were still living in it. Why did the U of A Wildcats plant a garden around their football field? Well, they figure this year it's the only way they'll get to smell roses. What is a wedding? That's a funeral where you get to smell your own flowers. Why does Hilary Clinton insist on being on top? She loves to watch Bill screw up. Hey, did you hear that teen pregnancies are down? Yeh. During the campaign, Bill Clinton hasn't been dating. Why did the man from Gila Bend pull over on the side of the road? Well, the sign said, "Do Not Pass." Who is the skeleton's favorite singer? Bony Rate. Why did God invent orgasms? So people in Gila Bend would know when to stop. If Loraina Bobbitt had failed in her attempt with the knife, what would they have charged her with? A mister wiener. What do you call it when you have Bob Dole and Bill Clinton in the front seat of your car? Dual airbags. What do gay guys call yawning? Practice. How do you plant dope? Bury two Gila Benders. For a long time, what was the major source of income in Gila Bend? The Tooth Fairy. Why do all Gila Benders use electric lawn moers? So they can follow the cord back when they get lost in the backyard. How did the lepper proctologist get even with his obnoxious patient? He gave him the finger. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Use more vassaline. What does Mr. Spock use for sexual protection? A Vokannized rubber. Did you hear about the gay guy who had the nicotine patch on his penis? Yeh. He wanted to give up butts and he wanted to stop his buddy from smoking. How come the girl from Gila Bend stopped wearing wool skirts? 'Cause her brothers kept pulling the wool over her eyes. How does a real man open his beer? It better be open by the time his old-lady brings it to him. When should you slap a midget? When he walks up to your wife and says, "Nice hair." What did the brown gerbel say to the white gerbel? "Hey, new in town?" What's the difference between sushi and pussy? The bed of rice. What happened when Dolly Pardon dropped a Walkman down her shirt? "The hills were alive, with the sound of music." Why don't they test condoms? Well, would you want one that had just been tested? Did you hear about the mortician who married the snake charmer? Yeh, they got monogram towels that read; "Hiss and hurse." How do you know you're in a really tough lesbian bar? Even the pool tables don't have balls. Did you hear about the kid who got kicked out of school because he was a canibal? He got caught buttering up the teacher. Two canibals were discussing their meal. "How you doing?" asked one. The other replied, "OH! Just great! I'm having a ball!" What did the Indian brave say when the medicine man told him to tie a knot in his willy? "How cum?" Hey, did you hear about the new religion in Gila Bend? The Jehovah's Witless. What does D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexic Association. What's the difference between bird dogs and prostitutes? A bird dog sicks ducks. In the game of golf, what's a zero? That's the score a cheatter tells you to put down for him when he gets a hole in one. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs urinating off a cliff? Pea air. What sexual position produces the ugliest children? "I'm not sure; let's ask your dad?" What do yeast and people from Gila bend have in common? They're both in bred. Why do they consider the camel the "ship of the desert" in Iraq? Because they are full of Iraqi seaman. Why was it appropriate for the Clintons to be doing the Macharina at the democratic convention last week? Because when you do it, you change positions every few seconds. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year the dog is still excited to see you when you come home. Why are there no streakers in Italy? Because on every corner you'll find an organ grinder. What is a gay guy's favorite car? The Ford Probe. What was the motto of the inventor of the vibrator? "If you build it they will come." What do you call a Mexican girl with a yeast infection? Macarina and Cheese. How does the dermatologist charge kids with bad acne? Fifty bucks a pop. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a package of M&M candies? The M&M candies have more color. Hey. Did you hear the Suns hired a Korean assistant coach? His name is Win One Soon. Did you hear about the nun that used to wipe her nose with her sleeve, and her butt with the back of her dress? Yeh, she really had some bad habits. What do the fans do in the stands at the midget football games? The microwave. Hey. Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed the razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy and circumcised three doctors on her shift. What do the Chinese call constipation? Hung Chow. Hey. Did you hear about the new limousine called the pervertible? Yeh. The roof doesn't go down, but the driver does and You can get ate in the backseat. What does a new store, and a successful whore have in common? They both have a grand opening. What do you call a Mexican quarterback? El Passo. What's the difference between Charles Mansen and O.J. Simpson? Mansen's just no good at golf. How did the man who slept with his best friend's girl avoid hating himself in the morning? He slept til noon. What do Michael Jackson and Shamoo the killer whale have in common? They're both black and white and they both live in theme parks. Why shouldn't guys be sexists? Ah, the bitches don't like it. Hey, did you hear about the gay Australian who had car trouble? Ah, he spent the night stuck in Sidney. What's the best way to end a relationship? Tell him you wanna marry him and have his kids. Hey, did you hear about the new pick-up line at a gay redneck bar? "Tickle me, Elmo." How did the Cardinals nake an extra $100,000 by playing the Dallas Cowboys? They put a coke machine in the Dallas locker room. What are Gila Bend husbands getting for Christmas? Old and fat. What do you call the biggest drug ring in Texas? Dallas Cowboys' offensive huddle. What's the diffence between select and choose? Select is when you pick out something. Choose is what a Mexican wears on his feet. What do you get when you cross a feminist and an attorney? A lawyer who won't screw you. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on a lawyer's desk? Will. What do you call a person who likes to frequent topless bars? A chestnut. What kind of writing pays best? Ransom notes. What's the first thing Dolly Pardon says when she takes off her bra? "Gee, this floor is cold!" Why was Tigger in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. What is the number one product sold at Frederick's of Gila Bend? Crotchless panties for sheep. What's the definition of bigotry? The largest tree in an Italian neighborhood. What's the definition of bigamist? The fog over Italy. Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, he didn't. Johnny Cockren said the LA. PD. placed him there. What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs working in a cemetery? Doug and Barry. Why is president Clinton buying rubbers? For the weekends inaugural ball. What do you see when the Pill's Bury dough boy bends over? Doughnuts. What do you see when the Pill's Bury dough boy bends over? The legendary doughnut hole. Why did the Gila Bend guy give up masturbating? It kept getting out of hand. What is a gynecologist? He's a spreader of old wives tales. Back to the Q and A listing
Questions & Answers, Chapter 6 What's the difference between light and hard? Light will stay on all night. What do you get when you blow up a purple dinosaur? Barney Rubble. What do the guys from Gila Bend say before they pick their noses? Grace. Why do cowboys all have the same size balls? So they can pull each other's trailers. Hey, did you hear Cornflakes help with women's PMS? Yep. If you chew em loud enough you don't hear a thing she has to say. What's a specimen? That's an Italian astronaut. Why do left-handed people ware their watch on their right arm and right-handed people ware their watch on their left arm? So they won't scratch their ass when they wipe. What's the difference between watching the Patriots in the SuperBowl and an assisted suicide? Assisted suicide is painless. What occurred when all the Packer fans got up during the first commercial break of the SuperBowl? A cheese whiz. What do you find on the breast of a female Packer fan? A cheese nip. How did the Irishman loose his luggage? The cork fell out. Why does the Ebonics alphabet only have 22 letters in it? Well, they stole the TVCR. How come governor Simington never does a speech on the same night as the Miss America pageant? He figures people would rather see a lot of little asses than one big one. What did the guy from Gila Bend in the single's bar say when the woman told him she was a lesbian? "Hey, that's great, which part of Lesbia are you from?" Did you hear about the new Gila Bend invention? Cordless bungy jumping. What's the difference between a ballerina and Dennis Rodman? A ballerina gets cheers when she performs the nut cracker. What did the guy say after he answered his doorbell and a cockroach called him and "A hole?" "Boy, there's a nasty bug going around." Hey. Did you hear about the guy from Gila Bend who picked his nose 'til he died at age 60? His head caved in. What's the worst thing about not being able to find your vibrator? Finding out your daughter borrowed it. What's the real definition of Miss America? that's what you do after spending a month in Mexico. What do serial killers and farts have in common? Well, the quiet ones are usually the most deadly. How many frat guys does it take to change a light bulb? 5. One to hold the bulb, the other 4 to drink until the room spends. Why is being O.J.'s prosecutor like stepping on a banana? Well, you'd hate to slip up and get overturned on a peel. Did you hear about a famous drink company that offered O.J. one million bucks a year for the rest of his life, to be their spokesperson? All they wanted him to do was change his name to snapple. Why did the guy from Gila Bend marry a very fat tattooed woman? So he can have heat in the winter, shade in the summer, and moving pictures all year round. Did you hear about the near sided skunk? He had a half hour conversation with a fart. How come there were only 49 states represented at the Miss Ebonics pageant? No one wanted to be Miss Idaho. Did you hear about the two lesbians who were fighting over who was going to use the doubleheaded dilldo? Well, they compromised, and met halfway. When is it really dangerous to have a dyslexic nurse on duty? When the patient needs to have a boil pricked. What's the difference between a beer and a piss? About 20 minutes. What does a dyslexic old Jewish guy say? "Yo." Why is reading National Geographics like looking at pictures in playboy? Well, in both you'll see lovely places that you'll never visit. What do puppies and nearsighted gynecologists have in common? Wet noses. How do you know that you are a really, really, bad golfer? Your ball retriever needs to be regripped. Why did the girl from Gila Bend sleep with a ruler by her bed? She wanted to see how long she slept. If Valentine's Day is for lovers, when is bachelor's day? Palm Sunday. (Say the punch line with a Chinese accent.) What did the Chinese bar tender say when the guy asked for a little stolie with a twist? "Ah, stolie with a twist? Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs." Hey, did you hear about the latest Gila Bend invention? Its a helicopter with an ejection seat. Did you hear about the Gila Bend bullet proof vest? It comes with a money back guarantee. Why did the guys from Gila Bend take tampons with them on vacation? Well, it says right on the box: You can swim, you can horseback ride, you can bike ... what's the new bumpersticker coming out from the people who made the "Mean People Suck" bumpersticker? The "Nice People Swallow" bumpersticker. How do you know that your doctor is gay? During rectal exams, he has a hand on each of your shoulders. Hey. What if the whole world farted at once? Well, life would be a gas. How do you cancel your appointment at the sperm bank? Tell them you can't come. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils. What did Jesus say during the last supper? Okay. Everyone who wants to be in the picture get on this side of the table." What's the worst thing about farting in church? You have to sit in the pew. What's the difference between a golfball and a girl from Gila Bend? Sometimes the golfball seems to have a mind of it's own. How do guys buy lingerie for their women? They throw it on the floor to see if it looks good. Did you hear about the pirate from Gila Bend? He put patches on both eyes. Who has a broom and flies? A jelly-covered janitor. Why do men like women in leather pants? Well, when they have sex it smells like the guy's inside a new car. What's the difference between a man and a woman? A woman wakes up with morning sickness. A man wakes up with morning stiffness. Why did the woman from Gila Bend paint her butt blue and bend over in front of her husband? Because he said he wants to have sex once in a blue moon. Why do Mormon women stop having babies at age 35? Because 36 is just one to many. What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains? I'll be DAMNED if I invite YOU over!!! Did you hear about the couple who's apartment complex had really thin walls? Well, they wish they could be obscene and not heard. What takes longer to build--a male snowman or a female snowperson? A man. It takes longer to hollow out the head. Why don't people in Gila Bend water ski? Its to hard finding a downhill lake. How can you tell your kidnapper is from Gila Bend? He demands two million dollars in unmarked million dollar bills. What's the difference between a professional boxer and a girl from Gila Bend? Well, one you set up to knock down. The other you set down to knock up. What is the real reason men can't communicate? Its hard to drink beer and talk at the same time. What do women prefer--a young gynecologist, or an old gynecologist? Well, the old ones. They usually have the shakes. What do you call a prison inmate who keeps losing body parts? A lepper con. What is the definition of a gay cabalaro? Bare back rider. Why is littering becoming the #1 gang problem? Because, they keep dropping their rappers in the street. Where do people from Gila Bend meet when they carpool? At work, of course. If you are an American in your living room, an Italian in the kitchen, and a Greek in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom? European. If you are done peeing in the bathroom, what are you? Finnish. If you have to go pee in a hurry, what are you? Russian. (Before we get started, Snoop Doggy Dog is a rapper.) Who did Snoop Doggy Dog hire to protect him from all the drive-bys? Gard Doggy Dog. Did you hear about the Gila Bender who walked into a bar holding a mound of dog crap? He said to the bar tender, "Look what I almost stepped in." Did you hear about the Gila Bend guy who joined a bridge club? He jumps off next Tuesday. Did you hear about the family from Gila Bend who sent off for their family tree? They got back a bunch of bananas. What's the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist? One looks up your family tree; the other looks up your family bush. Why was Custer late for his own last stand? Because he had some Injun trouble. Back to the Q and A listing
Questions & Answers, Chapter 7 Why did God create Shetland ponies? So Mexican cowboys could also have low riders. Did you hear about the guy from Gila Bend who got a new boomerang? Yeh. It took him ten years to get rid of the old one. Did you hear about the guy from Gila Bend who died in the helicopter crash? Yeh. He got cold and turned off the fan. If a straight guy has a mirrored ceiling, what does a gay guy have? A rear-view mirrored ceiling. Hey, did you hear about the sign on the maternity room door? Yeh, it said to: "Push! Push! Push!" What method are dyslexics using to band together? They have bumperstickers that say" "Dyslexics of the world Untie." Did you hear about the high-tech ventriloquist? Yeh, he could throw his voicemail. Why do women in Gila Bend pierce their belly buttons? That's so they got some place to hang the air freshener. Did you hear about the bride who ordered a large lettuce salad for her husband at dinner? She wanted to see if he ATE like a rabbit, to. What happens to old musicians? They decompose, of course. What did Dracula say to the teacher? "When's your next period?" What happened when they strapped the gay murderer into the electric chair? He blew a fuse. What do you call two gay guys in a sleeping bag? Fruit roll up. Have you heard the new Nike slogan for their Heaven's Gate shoes? "Wear Nikes, and you can soar with the comet!" What does a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common? Well, they both can smell it, but they can't taste it. Did you hear that street gangs are using Mexican Judo? That's where a Mexican guy holds you up and says, "Ju don't know if I have a gun, ju don't know if I have a knife." Did you hear about the girl who had breasts on her back? She was gruesome to look at, but she was a lot of fun to dance with. If a naked man is in his birthday suit, what's a naked women in? A double breasted suit. What did the real fat hooker say to her new customer? "Welcome to the fold." What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a tobacco factory? Rolland. How come they won't be serving beer at Wrigley's Field all year? Because the Cubs lost their opener. Why did the trapeze artist leave his wife? He caught her in the act. What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing. They just waved. How do guyss from Gila Bend get pock marks? They get them from trying to eat with a fork. How are taxes like golf? You work hard to get on the green you end up in the hole. Did you hear about the rabbi who made a living circumcising elephants? Well, the pay wasn't much, but the tips were tremendous. What did Sonny Bono used to be? A shareholder. Did you hear how the university of Arizona golfer broke his arm on the golf course? He fell off the ball washer. Why are women like parking spaces? Well, once you find a good one, you have to keep feeding it money. What's the difference between Tiger Woods, and John Daly? Tiger Woods is known for his long balls; John Daly is known for his highballs. Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they won't be mistakened for lesbians. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders. How do you know the Mexican Mafia has visited you? You wake up with a head of lettuce in your bed. Why was Bunker Hill so slippery? "The British were coming! the British were coming!" Why don't they take reservations at the whorehouse? Because it's always been first serve first come. How could you tell that you're in San Francisco? You put your hand out to signal for a left-handed turn and the traffic cop kisses it. What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? The bad marksman shoots and shoots until he hits, and the constipated owl hoots and hoots until he shits. What's the first thing a Gila Bend stripper takes off? Her bowling shoes. If they put the pictures of missing children on milk cartons where do they put the pictures of missing gay guys? On a jar of Vasaline. Did you hear about the new Heaven's Gate cocktail especially for the neutered guys? It's Vodka and Phenobarbital. No Sex On The Beach. What would you call a bunch of cheerleaders at a gynecologist's office? A pap rally. Did you hear the name of the Eskimo porno film? It's called Deep Freeze. Why do women always get married wearing white? Well, you want the dishwasher to match all of your other appliances don't you? What would you use to easedrop on a hooker? A bed bug. What would you call a male Chinese porno star? Dragon Willie. Did you hear why Elen really came out of the closet? Rosy O'Donald's fat ass is taken up to much room. What do you call a lesbian who never shaves her legs, never tells the truth, and drives a race car? Hairy Lyin Dyke. What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast. Did you hear about the cannibal who ate a Jew, Catholic, and a Protestant? He had a religious movement. Did you hear about the silk worms that got into a race? They woundup as a tie. What do cannibals find hard to digest? Old wives' tales. How is a woman like a sandwich? They're best eaten, lightly toasted. What do you call a rehabilitation facility for former prostitutes? That's an all the way house. 3 women standing on a street corner. one of them is a prostitute, what are the 2 others? Support hoes. If Tiger Woods died Today, what would we all be tomorrow. Mourning Woods. What's it called when a stock broker buys and sells stocks while he's making love to his wife? Insider trading. What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes? A superviser. When did Ellen discover she was lesbian? Well, back in Girl Scouts, she couldn't stop eating the brownies. Did you hear about the stork in Gila Bend? It was arrested for carrying dope. What's the definition of crackpot? Two things that have fallen out of Robert Downey Jr.'s pockets if you had him upside-down shaking him. What kind of music does a man with one leg listen to? Hip Hop. What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings." What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 45 pounds. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 minutes. What do your husband and a microwave have in common? Well, they both heat up instantly, and go "ding" in about 20 seconds. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. What did the lawyer name his son? Bill. Did you hear about the new cowboy bra? It rounds them up and shoots them out. What did Bill Gates say to his wife on their wedding night? "Well, now you know why I named the company Microsoft." How can you tell if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is the same but the dishes pile up. How can you tell if your husband is dead? Well, the sex is the same but you get the remote. What is the definition of Mother Superior? Well, that's a sexual position in Gila Bend. Why can't they use Microsoft in Gila Bend? Because, everytime they bring up a window its covered with a Hefty Bag. How do you confuse a guy from Gila Bend? You don't, they're born that way. Why did the Gila Bend truck driver drive off the cliff? He was testing his air brakes. Why did God give women orgasms? So they can have something else to moan about. Why was there lipstick on the steering wheel of the blonde's car? She was trying to blow the horn. What do you call it when a Girl Scout starts getting her boobies? Brownie points. How do the guys do bonding in Gila Bend? They tie the women's legs together. What do you get when you cross a prostitute with an alligator? A crock sucker. Back to the Q and A listing
Questions & Answers, Chapter 8 How do you order one egg in a Mexican restaurant? Yoko Ono. What's pocket pool? That's what a mother kangaroo has until her kids are potty trained. What do you get when you cross an alligator in a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator. Did you hear the Jewish cowgirl song? "Get it up, get it in, get it out, don't mess my hair up." Why are proctologists so gloomy? Because they are always near the end and business stinks. Why do guys in Gila Bend wear gold chain necklaces? So they know when to stop shaving. Why did God make only one Yogie Bear? Well, when he tried to make a second, he made a booboo. Why do women like their gynecologists so much? He always try to be at your cervix. What is the difference between being a dentist and a gynecologist? The teeth. Who cleans the ocean? Jacque Crewstodian. What is the most popular car color in Gila Bend? Primer Gray. What do UFOs and smart people from Gila Bend have in common? Well, you keep hearing about them, but you never really see them. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? you come in one and go in the other. What do you call 125 white guys chasing one young black guy? The Professional Golfer's tour. Why is marriage like a warm toilet seat? Well, you both are comfortable but you never know who's been there first. Did you hear about the Jewish James Bond? Yeh, 00695. What's the difference between an angry circus owner, and a barber in Italy's biggest city? ONe is a raving showman, the other is a shaving Roman. What does OBGYN stand for? "Oh, boy, got you naked." Why are babies so delicate when they are first born? Because they are put together with one screw. How did the guy from Gila Bend get into the porta potty business? Well, he just kind of fell into it. What's the most active muscle in a woman? The penis. Where do plastic surgeons learn to perform boob jobs? At the school of hard knockers. Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers eventually go away. What is "Left! Right! Up a little! Now really hard!"? Someone telling Stevie Wonder how to blow out the candles on his birthday cake. Why was the woman with the extremely clean vagina admitted to the emergency room? It was an overdouche. Why did Tommy Lee almost split up with Pamela Anderson? He had it for a while. He was feeling like a real boob. What do you call a guy when his sperm sample goes bad at the sperm bank? A deadbeat. Why did the Gila Bend guy take a roll of toilet paper to Las Vegas? He heard they were saving him a spot at the craps table. What's it called when Richard has all the answers? Dick knows. Did you hear that the people from Gila Bend are getting all pissed off? Yeh. They are finally getting the jokes. What's the layman's definition of impotence? No hard feelings. What's the difference between sex for money and sex for free? Sex for free is going to cost you a whole hell of a lot more. Why does the ocean roar? You would to if you had a bunch of crabs on your bottom. Why was the masturbater depressed after he found out you can make money donating to sperm banks? He thought about all the profits he let slip through his fingers. What did the vet say to the dog who kept licking his balls? "Hey! Thanks a lot!" How can you tell if there's female DNA in beer? Well, if you let a guy drink enough of it he'll start talking nonsense and won't be able to drive very well. Did you hear about the cowboy who walked into the saloon wearing a paper cowboy hat, paper boots, paper chaps, and paper spurs? He was arrested for rustling. what's the difference between Metallica and Mike Tyson? Metallica leaves a ring in your ears; Mike Tyson leaves an ear in the ring. Hey, did you hear about the Jewish black guy? He says, "Hey, give me 5%." What did Louis Faricon say to Mike Tyson after the fight? "No, no, stupid! I said an eye for an eye!" Did you hear about the guy with the athletic finger? He could make a broad jump. Why don't chickens have ears? Because they're Tyson chickens. What do you call it when you throw a woman off a sinking ship? An emergency broadcast. Why hasn't a woman been sent to the moon yet? It doesn't need to be cleaned. What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Got? "Are you going to eat that." What's bigger than Winnie's pooh? Gomer's Pile. How is doing it with a divorced woman like working on an old car? You have a lot of fun playing with used parts. What do you get when you cross Fat Albert, Prince, and Kodak film? The lard ass formerly known as Prince. What are good directions to a urologist's office? "Follow the Yellow Brick road. Follow the Yellow Brick road. Follow the Follow the follow the follow the follow the Yellow Brick Road." What do you get when you cross UPS with Fedex? Fed up. What is 6 feet long, green, and has two tongues? The Jolly Green giant's sneakers. Why do blonde women have big belly buttons? From dating blonde men. What do you call a guy who molests wooden toys? A Jepettophile. What do you call a guy with a sex change riding a chariot? Ben Hur. If you are having sex with two women and your wife walks in, what do you have? Most likely, divorce proceedings. What's the shapeliest thing inside a Gila Bend woman's sweater? The hanger. What did the golf addict say to his wife when she told him that she'd become a hooker? "That's no problem. Just keep your head down and your arm straight." What's the difference between the chatter at a gay baseball game and a fishing tournament? At the fishing tournament they all yell, "Catch those suckers!" How do you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach? He's the one with the sesame seed buns. What's the definition of a hippie in Gila Bend? Well, it walks like a Jack, looks like a Jill, and smells like a John. Why did the Gila Bend guy marry the dog? Because he had to. What did the bumpersticker on the Gila Bend car say? "If you can read this, you didn't go to school here." What did Richard Gear call his white gerbil? Pearl Jam. What did Richard Gear call his white gerbil, when it fell out of his ass? Pearl drop. Did you hear about the intellectual gay guy? Yeh, he likes to blow his friend's mind. What does the Gila Bend sex manual say? It's one page: "Put in. Pull out. Repeat if necessary." What is golf? That's a game where a little white ball is chased by guys who are too old to chase anything else. Did you hear about the unemployed gynecologist? He couldn't find an opening. What's the difference between the Pope and a douche? Well, one gives you hope for your soul. What do you call 500 virgins protesting? Cherry picketers. What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can sometimes reason with a terrorist. Did you hear about the midget who got hurt playing ping pong? He got so excited he ran off the table. What does Richard Gear call his brown gerbo? Used. How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to hold the bulb and 2 to drink until the room starts to spin. Did you hear about the gay street gang? Yesterday they were involved in 9 drive-by spankings. What do you call a Mexican proctologist? An Ass tech. What did the golfer say when he caught his wife fooling around? "Whore!!!!" What do Koreans call the dog catcher's wagon? Meals On Wheels. Did you hear Janet Reno wants to race INdy cars? Yeh, they turned her down. They said they already have one lyin' dike. Where does a guy in Gila Bend keep his marijuana stash? IN a pothole. What does four on the floor mean to a guy in Gila Bend? About time for another six pack. What do you call a guy from Gila Bend with 1500 girlfriends? A sheep herder. How come the U of A college football team doesn't have a Web Page? Because they can't put 3 Ws together. Back to the Q and A listing
Questions & Answers, Chapter 9 Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man having a good time. Should you talk to your wife during sex? Nah! Why do you want to make a phone call at a time like that? Did you hear the Mormon church brought Star Bucks? Yeh, now they are going to be the church of Jesus Christ of Lattyday Saints. How can you tell if you are making love to a nurse, school teacher, or an airline stewardess? Well, a nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A school teacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until you get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your nose and mouth and breathe normally." What did governor Simmenton's trial have in common with everything he owns? Well, it was very expensive and someone else paid for it. What kind of food do they serve the patients at the fertility clinic? Egg drop soup. Did you hear about the Gila Bend guy who was working on perfecting his standup routine? Yeh, he hardly misses the toilet bowl at all anymore. Why is it always a woman who takes over after an Arizona governor gets kicked out? Well, who's better at cleaning up a mess than a woman? What is smore play? That's what Smurfs do before they smuck. What did the bartender say when the neutron ordered the beer? "For you, there's no charge." What did the Jewish father say to the son when he asked him if he could borrow $30? "$30? What do you need $20 for? I gave you $10!" Now that Simington has been convicted, do you know what campaign promise he has vowed to keep? To keep the highways clean of trash. What do the Amish do after making love? They smoke a ham. What did the doctor tell the man who had carrots jammed in his ears and peas jammed in his nose? "You're not eating right." What are the two biggest lies in Gila Bend? "The check is in your mouth." & "I promise I won't cum in the mail." Why are the Dallas Cowboys going to play on a dirt field this year? Because they smoked the grass and snorted the lines. Why is sex not like air? > Because its no big deal if you aren't getting any sex. Why should we elect a woman as president? So we could pay her half as much. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "See you next month." What did the really nasty lesbian vampire say to the other really nasty vampire? Come on! Eat it up. Its good stuff! Really!" What's the definition of a back seat? A launching pad for a love missile. Did you hear about the monkey with the steak on his head? He thought he was a griller. What is the most effective birth-control in Gila Bend? Nudity. Did you hear that velcro was invented by an Italian woman? Yeh, she was taking off a wool sweater and it got caught on her lip. What is wrinkled and smells like ginger? Fred Astaire's face. Why don't women in Gila Bend shave their legs? They would rather put them up in rollers. How does a guy know when he is getting fat? Well, he used to find it to take a leak. Now he has to take a leak to find it. What is the difference between a rectal thermometer, and an oral thermometer? Taste. What's Victoria's secret? Marv Albert shops there. Did you hear about the new morning after pill for men? It changes their blood type. What does NBC stand for, for Marv Albert? "No biting, Carpethead!" What was good about Marv Albert getting fired from NBC the other day? Well, the pink slip matches his panties. What game show uses the most toilet paper? That would be Jeopardy. (Do do do do ...) Did you hear about the short woman who puts dish soap on her top shelf? Yeh, every now and then she jumps for Joy. What do you call a comedian with a vasectomy? David Spade. How does a guy know he's getting old? Well, he remembers the good old days when his clothes were loose and his wife was tight. Did you hear the name of the company that wants Marv Albert to represent them? Bale Honey. Hey, did you know Frank Gifford's affair has brought him & Kathy Lee even closer? Yeh. The leash she has him on is really short. Did you hear about the blind girl who gets a lot of dates? Well, you really got to hand it to her. Hey, did you hear hurricane Nora flooded out half of Gila Bend? Yeh, total damages were estimated at $13.87. What do you get when you cross an acupuncturist and a gynecologist? A guy who's continually looking for a needle in a hay stack. What's the golden rule of feminine hygiene? "Douche unto others as you would have them douche unto you." Why are most brunettes flat chested? It's easier for them to read their t-shirts that way. What food can instantly reduce a woman's sex drive? A wedding cake. What do you call a fur-lined jock strap? Ball to ball carpeting. How do you know when you have satisfied a redheaded female? She unties you. What do people tell Marv Albert now, when he gets upset? "Hey, Marv, don't get your panties in a wad." Why do brunettes wear training bras? It's cheaper than changing their bandaids everyday. What's John Wayne Bobbit's favorite movie? "The Return Of The Magnificent Seven." What did Snow White say when she dropped off her film for developing? "Someday my prints will come." How do you tell the difference between a boy chromosone and a girl chromosone? Well, you pull down their genes. What do you call a black test tube baby? Janitor in a drum. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A padded headboard. What did the fish say when he ran into a brick wall? "Dam!" Why did the cannibal get expelled from school? Because he passed the first grade. Where does a bee keep his finger at night? In his honey. What's Bruce Lee's favorite beverage? Wa a a a a ter. What do Fred Flintstone and an unpopular Cardinals' quarterback have in common? They're both stony case. What did the man say to his wife after she told him he was a lousy lover? "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?" What's a mummy's favorite kind of music? Wrap. How do you make a skeleton laugh? Tickle his funny bone. Hey, have you heard about the new Marv Albert personal computer? Yeh, it has 32 bites, but no memory. What do you call a vampire who works 24 hours a day? An all day sucker. Hey, did you hear they recalled all of the O.J. Halloween costumes? Yeh, the glove didn't fit. Why don't they have Halloween or Thanksgiving in Arkansas anymore? Because the turkey moved to Washington and he took the witch with him. What happens when you fail to pay an exorcist? You get repossessed. What do you call a skeleton who plays in the snow? A numb skull. What's the difference between Marv Albert and Sharon Stone? Marv Albert wears panties. Why are men like blenders? Well, you need one, but you're not quite sure why. Did you hear about the guy from Gila Bend who learned from his parents' mistakes? Yeh, he's using birth-control. What's the definition of sperm count in Gila Bend? That's when they try to teach math during sex-ed. Why are some people offering Marv Albert a job? Just to see if he bites. What's the difference between a guy from Gila Bend, and a guy from Oho? Well, the guy from Oho only gets 3 letters wrong when he spells his town's name. Did you hear that Marv Albert is practicing safe sex? Yeh, he just got his teeth capped. Did you hear about the Gila Bender who didn't know the difference between incest & arson? Yeh, he set his sister on fire. What sign do they hang on the door when mental patients are sleeping? "Do not disturb further." If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? You made her chain to long. Did you hear about the new expensive hemorrhoid medicine? It costs $30 a crack. What is a urinal? That is where a man is truly among a group of peers. Why is it fortunate that Gatorade was invented in Florida instead of in Florida State? Because if it was Florida State they would have to call it semin fluid. What's a diaphragm? That's a mini trampoline for a bunch of dick heads. How much does it cost to get married? Well, I'm not sure. I'm still paying. What's a bad number to call during Iraqi Bingo? B 52. Back to the Q and A listing
Questions & Answers, Chapter 10 How are Saddam's army and bananas alike? They start out green, turn yellow, and die in bunches. What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through his pecker. What do you get when you cross a Palestinian and a midwesterner? "Yes sir, you bet youa." Did you hear that Elton John wants to redo one of his songs for Saddam Hussein's funeral? "But seems to me, you've lived your life like a camel in the wind." What's the most effective birth-control in Iraq? Nudity. What's the worse thing about getting a lung transplant? Hacking up someone else's phlegm. Did you hear they found that Preparation H had been laced with strychnine? Yeh, five assholes died. What do Christmas trees and priests have in common? Their balls are just for decoration. Did you know that God was the first insurance salesman? He told Adam and Eve they needed more coverage. If the answer is Miss Gila Bend, what is the question? What do you want to do when you're planning a fun vacation? What is the difference between the Spice Girls video and a porno flick? The porno flick has better music. What is an open can of tuna in a lesbian's home called? Pot pouri. What was the reason coach P.J. Carlissimo gave for firing Latree Spreewell? Beats me. How do you embarrass and archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period did it come from. What does the deer hunter from Gila Bend, want more than anything else for Christmas? A new set of headlights. How did the tree surgeon from Gila Bend die? He fell out of one of his patients. What's the difference between an American fighter pilot, and an Iraqi fighter pilot? Well, the American fighter pilot breaks ground and flies into the wind. what's the definition of suicide squeeze? That's a hug from Dr. Jack Kavorkeeyon. What's another name for pickled bread? Dill dough. What has 6 balls and screws you twice a week? The lottery. If 2 flies are in the kitchen, how can you tell which one is the cowboy fly? He's the one on the range. What's the difference between a shop vac and a blonde? Well, after all of the sucking, you have to empty a shop vac. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body except his own. Did you hear that Johnny Cokoren opened up a Hallmark store? They sell nothing but race cards. What's the definition of a wiener? That's the first person who crosses the finish line in a Mexican track meet. Why did the doctor decide to specialize in gynecology? Because he had really long fingers and no sense of smell. Why did the Gila Benders get married in a bathtub? Because they wanted a double ring ceremony. What did the blonde say when she was asked if she has ever been picked up by the fuzz? "No, but I've been swung around by my tits." How do you make a baby queer cry? Pull his pacifier out of his ass. Why do mermaids cover their breasts with sea shells? Well, b shells are to small and c shells are to big. What are the good little boys and good little girls getting for Christmas in Gila Bend? A clue. Why was it easy to pick out George Washington's mistresses? Because they all had splinters in their boobs. What note do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft? a flat minor. What's Marv Albert doing for the holidays? He's donning his gay apparel, and stopping by Holiday Inn for a bite. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? Well, you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. How do you know which coffin is Raymond Burr's? It's the one with iron sides. What do Keith Richards and your Christmas tree have in common? When they dry up they leave needles all over the place. Did you hear about the new condom hotline? Call them if your rubber breaks and they'll talk you down. What's the difference between a husband and Christmas decorations? Christmas decorations stay up a lot longer. What did Father Christmas say to the young attractive female teenager who asked for some hair in the growing area? "Will a beard do?" What's the difference between a puppy and a folk singer? Eventually the puppy will stop whining. Why do chicken coops have only two doors? Well, if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans. How do you get a U of A graduate off your lawn? Just go ahead and pay him for the pizza. Why did the pregnant woman from Gila Bend go to Dominos when labor started? Because they promised free delivery. Did you hear that the Dallas Cowboys are going to be in a Snickers commercial? Yeh, they're not going anywhere for a while. How do you know when you're fat? When you dance you make the band skip. Why don't cowboys get circumcisions? They have to have someplace to hold their chew while they're brushing their teeth. What do you call a Chinese locksmith who works in his basement? Low Key. Did you hear the Dallas Cowboys hired a new coach? Yeh, a Korean guy. Win One Soon. What would be the best tribute Cherr could give Sony? A moment of silence. How do you separate the men from the boys in Gila Bend? With a pry bar. Did you hear about the gay dwarf? Well, it came out of the cupboard. Did you hear that the parents of the Iowa septuplets are getting plenty of help? Well, Procter & Gamble are giving them diapers, fisher Price are giving them toys, and Hooters are helping with the feedings. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a workaholic? A workaholic burns the midnight oil. Bill Clinton uses it to make nipples taste better. Why does it suck to be president Clinton right now? Because you're the most powerful man in the world and you know you aren't getting any this weekend. What goes, free, free, jump, free, free, jump, free, free, jump? A hurdler in corduroy shorts. Why does Denver want the field in San Diego covered with cardboard? Because the Broncos are always better on paper. Hey, did you hear what Bill Clinton's newest defense is? "I didn't tell her to lie in deposition. I told her to lie in dat position." What do you get when you cross the Pope, Bill Clinton, and a Packers' fan? You get a Pope, a dope, and a mope. Where do worms go when their're hungry? The Big Apple. What's president Clinton's idea of safe sex? Any night Hilary's out of town. What do the Packers and the LA PD. have in common? Neither one of them can catch Broncos. Did you hear what was overheard in the oval office? "Let go of my ears, I know what I am doing." Hey, what does Clinton and a painter have in common? Well, they both try to cover up cracks that they've filled. What did the shepherd say when the wolf attacked the sheep? "Let's get the flock out of here!" Hey, did you hear Bill Clinton's latest public statement? "I never told Monica Lewinzski to lie. I told her to kneel." Hey, did you hear about the new game they're playing at the White House? Swallow the leader. What's the most common pick up line in an old folk's bar? "So uh, do I come here oftten?" Why is Bill Clinton so interested in events in the middle East? He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinzski? "Hey, I said lick my erection. don't wreck my election." What does Monica Lewinzski and Saddam Hussein have in common? They're both having problems dealing with presidential missiles. Why did president Clinton's approval ratings soar after the latest scandle? Everyone saw that he could finally accomplish something without Hilary standing behind him telling him how to do it. What does president Clinton and a carpenter have in common? One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart. What's the most noteworthy entry on Monica Lewinzski's resume? "I sat on Bill Clinton's staff from 1995 to early 1997. Why doesn't president Clinton play his saxophone anymore? He's to busy playing with his hormonica. Why is it better to work for the Pope instead of president Clinton? You only have to kiss the Pope's ring. Did you hear about the rich Weevel's poor younger brother? He was known as the lesser of 2 weevels. Did you hear that Hilary has hired an intern for the White House? Yeh, Loraina Bobbett. What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton? Clinton has proven that he can dodge a bullet. Why does bill Clinton cheat on Hilary? He just wants to be on top once and a while. What do Gerald Ford and Al Gore have in common? They both got promoted because of crooked dicks. What's the difference between Madonna and a Valentine's Day prank? One's a Cupid stunt. Did you hear that Clinton is arranging a threesome for Valentine's day? He's getting flowers for Lewinzski. Back to the Q and A listing
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