Idea Transcript
A 14-day series of bite-sized meditations, mindful mantras and simple self-care practices for those days when you just need a little extra breathing room.
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I hope that if you’re someone who celebrated Thanksgiving here in the States you had a lovely holiday. I definitely did. Lots of time and space for just “being” (well, and lots of eating :)) with family and friends, and lots of quality time with my sweet 9-year-old nephew and 6-yearold niece. One morning as we snuggled under the covers before watching another round of Elf, my niece proudly shared all about her elementary school’s motto:
When a teacher sees one of the kids doing a “kinder than necessary” act, they give them a Terrific Tiger (the school’s mascot) sticker. My niece was so excited about the whole thing. She shared stories of the times she’d been acknowledged with a Terrific Tiger and her little kindnesses that prompted them.
Life & Mindfulness Coach. Joyblazer. Flow artist. Spirituallysteeped everygirl. And I want you to know that loving your life— and loving yourself— doesn’t have to feel so hard. You can keep fighting life’s current... Or you can attract what you want the ease-y way.
And it got me thinking. GET IN TOUCH
So as holiday season revs up with its leanings toward fuller schedules, potentially harried travel and sometimes stressful family gatherings, I just wanted to plant the seed that maybe amidst all the hubbub when it’s easy to feel scattered and overwhelmed we can still lean into the intention to be kinder than necessary. Ask For It Balance
To others and to ourselves.
Compassion
Because you can’t be genuinely kind toward others when your own reserves are depleted from not enough self-care or too much cracking of the perfectionistic whip.
Ease Energy Fear Flow
And you can’t be genuinely kind without being genuinely present.
Freedom
And presence is the gateway to joy and peace and love and life-sustaining juiciness. So practicing kindness is pretty much a one-stop shop for life’s sweetest stuff. Truly, what have we got to lose by taking on a Terrific Tiger-enthused 6-year-old’s enthusiasm for random acts of kindness this season? And what could we all, individually and collectively, gain from focusing a little more wholeheartedly on kindness? And if you could use a few extra mindful reminders to help yourself stay grounded this month, this blog is for you. Wishing you a holiday season brimming with micro-moments of genuine connection, mini joys, and simple kindnesses, and the grace to remember to notice them and soak them in as they’re happening. Lots of Love,
Procrastination. A dreaded word, and with good reason. When we perpetuate the habit of not following through on things that feel important to us or waste precious time and energy saying we’re going to do something but never actually doing it, procrastination is most definitely a habit that could use some upgrading.
In my personal experience and over years of working with smart, self-aware, heart-centered and well-intentioned yet often self-defeatingly perfectionistic women, I find there’s often one or more of the following four things at play when it looks, on the surface, like we’re procrastinating. So before jumping to the assumption that procrastination has taken the wheel the next time you find yourself dragging your feet on taking action on something (and then beating yourself up about it), you might pause and check in at the following four inner checkpoints: 1. Fear. You’re on the precipice of expanding into some new and vulnerable terrain. The part of you that wants to keep you safe from physical harm and protected from emotional risk will do anything in its power — including employing the sneaky tricks of your Inner Critic and control-loving ego — to try to keep you safe. To check in with any fear acting as a speed bump (or brick wall) between you and the action you want to be taking, you can simply pause and investigate with curiosity: What fear is present within me right now? Check in with where you’re directly experiencing fear as sensation in your body. What might this fear be trying to tell me? Don’t assume fear’s message is the most obvious one. Dig beneath the surface to check out a) what this fear could be trying to protect you from and b) is this fear telling you the capital t Truth? The key to working with fear is to always, first and foremost, acknowledge that it’s present — to name it. Because you can’t work with something you’re pretending isn’t there. Then you can make room for the fear to be here rather than trying to shove it out the door or feigning fearlessness. Because as long as you’re human, fear will show up when something feels risky to some part of you. But fear only becomes a problem when we try to either resist it or take what it’s telling us on face value as truth. Get in there with curiosity and explore what this fear is really about, and your next appropriate actions will flow from there. 2. Values conflict. When there’s “one part of you” that cares about one thing and “another part of you” that cares about something else, you might experience some internal tension.
In the case of a recent personal example, part of me wanted to keep a private Facebook group of women I’d been running for several years open for all the joy, connection, and community it nurtured. But another part of me was feeling called toward more “real life” (offline) presence, more spaciousness and more freedom in some new ways. When I noticed I was dragging my feet on taking action with either more fully engaging in the group or closing its doors, I took a look at which values of mine were tugging against one another and realized it made perfect sense that I was feeling a little stuck. Once I explored what was at play behind the scenes, the decision became easeful and clear. All parts of you are 100% valid, and all aspects of you are worthy (and in need) of nonjudgmental exploration. So take a curious look around at which of your values or priorities might be playing a little game of tug-‘o-war, and see where you might be able to consciously shift things around a bit. 3. You’ve entered a natural integration or germination phase. Despite what your whip-cracking Inner Critic might be telling you, we humans are simply not capable of always being in an outward phase — of constantly doing doing doing. Life and energy move in seasons and cycles.
There are phases when fruit is ripe and ready to be picked, but there has to be an attentive seed-planting and watering phase in order to get to that ripe fruit phase. So you can pause to check in: Could this moment simply be signaling that a natural rest, integration, or germination phase is being called for? 4. It’s time for a fresh chapter. Again zooming out to remember the natural cycle of all life, including your human one, sometimes a particular chapter has simply run its course and it’s time to acknowledge that this is a moment to turn the page to a fresh chapter. This phase calls for some extra stillness, space and self-compassion, as it tends to involve some grief (losses both “big” and “small” require grief to be fully processed and integrated) or forgiveness work. It’s hard for us humans to let go of things, even when deep in our beings we know it’s the “right” thing for our greatest good. And it can be scary to step into uncertainty, even when we trust on the bigger picture level that some next great thing wants to enter this space.
So be gentle with yourself as you turn inward and explore whatever’s present for you in this moment with some nice nonjudgmental curiosity, having faith that it’s all OK. Lots of Love,
PS – I also shared these 4 check-ins around what may look like procrastination in a recent Facebook video.
A coaching client of mine returned not long ago from a selfdubbed “life sabbatical.” On the heels of our work together, she quit her job, put everything she owned in storage, and headed off to travel the world for seven months. She set out to create some intentional space to reflect on what she came to refer to as the “oh shit questions” that arose during our inner exploration together. In a blog post she shared after returning home (her thoughtful reflections led her to create her own purpose- and contribution-driven business), she describes these “OSQs” this way: “A query that’s so insightful that I’ve never even thought to ask it before, or it’s a question that has hit on a subject that is so important that it scares me or seems like too much work and I’ve been avoiding it.” You know that feeling in your gut of some deep, tough — and yes, sometimes downright terrifying — question that keeps tugging at your attention just below the surface while you do everything you can to ignore it. And you probably can avoid those big soul-level-calling, knock-the-wind-out-of-you questions for awhile (I know I did for years). In fact, if you’re forceful enough about it, you can potentially avoid and rationalize your way around the “big questions” about how you want to live your life for your entire life.
I love what my wise client had to say about this so much I wanted to share a fuller passage from her post: “If the prospect of OSQs is anxiety-producing, you’re not alone. Growth and change can be beautiful, but it can also be hard. I’ll share with you some of the wisdom that my coach Melissa Maher shared after posing a mind-bending OSQ to me: don’t even try to answer this question right now. Write it on a post-it note, and put it somewhere that you’ll see it every day. Read the question out loud each morning and set an intention to notice what you are experiencing in your life that relates to that question. Don’t force it, our brains do powerful work even when we’re not paying specific attention. When the answer emerges, you will know. As a high-achieving, type-A person, I was skeptical. But I trusted my coach and the process and realized that I couldn’t schedule when I would have the answers. And when they did emerge, it was something entirely new to me. The answers were fully formed, and I was very clear and confident and excited about what I needed to do.“ It is scary to sit with the straight-to-your-core questions about what you really want for your life. Our minds really do want to schedule the answers and plot the future out in a neat and tidy plan. And that Type A conditioning will try to convince us we can plan and control our way forward in linear A-Z fashion. But when we really do trust the process and lean into earnest inner inquiry with curiosity rather than judgment, we arrive at insights we never could have conjured up with our logical minds alone.
We tend to light upon the truest-to-us next steps on our path not when we force ourselves to “figure it out,” but rather when we allow the clarity to bubble up effortlessly from within. When we give those seedlings the time and space they need to take root and blossom. So, what if you don’t actually have to keep moving forward on the path you thought you “should” be taking just because it’s the one you’re currently on? What if you’re allowed to change course when it feels right to you?
What if the more in the habit you get of pulling over — resting — getting still — tuning in — periodically on your journey, the more clarity and confidence and excitement about your best next step will naturally emerge? What if the perfect-for-you next step is already ready to emerge, it’s just been hard to hear it over all the should’s and have to’s and mental (and perfectionistic) chatter drowning it out? So what are the “oh shit questions” tugging at you beneath the surface these days? What if just on the other side of tapping into your courage to explore those deep-in-yourcore questions is all the freedom, purpose, and joy you’ve been looking for (and then some)? And even if you don’t have the space for a 7-month life sabbatical, how might you be able to create even the *tiniest* bit more space in your day today to give your inner wisdom the chance to reveal itself a little more fully? Lean in. You’re strong enough to handle whatever discoveries are ready to reveal themselves to you. Lots of Love,
Well, it’s been kind of a doozy of a month, hasn’t it? Racially charged riots, nuclear missile tests, international refugee and socioeconomic crises, terror attacks, hurricanes, floods, raging wildfires, unprecedented heatwaves, the repeal of DACA…not to mention the energy of a total eclipse and whatever personal challenges you might be struggling with in your own sphere. It’s a lot to take in. So how do we stay open to what’s happening in the world without absorbing collective pain in ways that exhaust us personally? How do we keep our hearts open even when it feels like too much? How do we stay when our fight or flight response is telling us to get out of dodge? How do we lean into uncomfortable realities in a way that’s both useful to the world and feels manageable to us?
I don’t ask you to take a look at universal suffering like this to add to the overwhelm so many of us are experiencing these days. I ask us to pause and consciously turn toward rather than away from the suffering going on in the world because sometimes among “spiritual seekers” and consciousness growers there can be a tendency to try to bypass pain in the name of “keeping things positive.” But mindfulness is a practice of learning to work with life as it truly is — which means being willing to take an honest look at the “good,” the “bad,” and the ugly within and around us. It requires a certain fierceness to really look at how our individual beliefs and habits are affecting the collective, and to adjust course when appropriate. Burying our heads in the sand is not the path of genuine mindfulness — or, more importantly, of genuine kindfulness.
1. Take some kind of action. Compassion means not merely noticing that another is suffering, but reaching out with the intention of alleviating that pain in some way. And when we absorb the suffering of the world, we really can’t handle it all. It’s just too big. We need to move the energy through us, and taking compassionate action is a way to do that. That action doesn’t have to be grandiose; whatever feels authentic to you. If your actions come from a place of genuine care, it will be felt, whether it’s a hand on the shoulder of a grieving person, a few kind words to someone having a tough day, time or money you contribute to a cause, or calls you make to your local congressperson. (Some resources below.) 2. Just dip a toe in. Don’t expose yourself to more collective suffering than you feel capable of reasonably holding space for. If you read every article on every way in which the world is hurting today, it’s probably going to be too much. Apply self-compassion as a balance to compassion for others. 3. Make some space. If you pour a tablespoon of salt into an 8 oz. cup of water, it’ll be undrinkable. But if you pour that same tablespoon of salt into a pond, you wouldn’t even notice it. When we single-handedly try to take on the suffering of the world, our system shuts down. But when we remind ourselves that we’re actually the ocean rather than a drop in the ocean, we connect to a sense of expansiveness. That sense of ahhhh lets us relax and settle back into the truth that all energy is, and all human beings are, connected. You’re not alone and neither is anyone else on the planet.
“I’m spacious enough to handle this.” “There’s room for it all.” 4. Expand your container. The next time you’re listening to the news and feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath as you feel into a sense of your heart being touched by that suffering. As you exhale, breathe out a wish for peace or comfort or healing. Dial the intensity down anytime it feels like too much. The way we build our compassion muscle, just like our mindfulness muscle or any muscle in the body, is by starting small. Nothing to force or rush. 5. Dial self-care up. While it may feel counterintuitive to put more time and energy into taking care of yourself when you’re feeling hyper aware of others’ needs, if your own well isn’t full, you’ll have nothing to overflow. 6. Get grounded. Feel your feet on the ground. Feel gravity connecting you and the Earth supporting you. 7. Make time for stillness. Create a little sanctuary, whatever that wants to look like for you, and go there to soak in the quiet for a few minutes a day. 8. Focus on the good, too. While yes, suffering occurs, there’s also an infinite bounty of goodness flowing through the universe. In order to shore up our compassion resources, we need to fill our reserves by tuning into all the good that exists too. 9. Cry when you need to. Tears show that your heart is touched by others’ pain. What a lovely sign of human connection, and a potent emotional and energetic cleanser, too. 10. Remember that we’re all in it together. Reminding yourself of the ways in which you, too, are suffering is a powerful gateway to compassion. 11. Move your body. Energy literally needs to move through us. If you’re feeling heavy, shake it out. 12. Get clear on your intention. Heart-centered intention serves as an anchor. In the practice of dialing up compassion, this might sound like:
13. Get out in nature. Look up at the spacious blue sky, out at the expanse of the ocean, or up at the vastness of a redwood tree. This will help broaden your perspective and remind you that there really is space for it all. 14. Connect to moments of joy. While suffering is a natural part of life, we also have the capacity to access joy in any moment. Pay attention to where little sparks of joy show up in your days even – or especially – when you’re struggling. 15. Ditch self-judgment. Guilt about not doing enough for the world or shame for never knowing quite the “right” thing to do to help is just not useful. Take some kind of kind action that feels right to you, however small, and trust that it matters. 16. Slow down. It’s impossible to connect to compassion for ourselves or anyone else when we’re rushing forward. 17. Bite-size it. Overwhelm sets in when we start to “stack” all the suffering we see and feel. Press pause. Take a breath. And focus on just this one next useful kind thought or action. 18. Take note of beauty. Just like suffering exists, so does beauty. Acknowledging both ends of the spectrum helps the pendulum swing through the sweet spot in the center more easily. 19. Breathe. Dropping awareness into the body gives you direct access to the present moment. And the present moment is the only space from which we can connect to compassion for ourselves or anyone else. 20. Meditate. Meditation is the most powerful practice for strengthening your mindfulness muscle. And the more nonjudgmentally aware we become, the more the heart naturally opens. If you want to get serious about dialing up your compassion capacity, decide to set aside 10 minutes a day and try out some of the wonderful apps out there including Headspace, Calm, Insight Timer, and Omvana.
To support Houston: * Animal Lovers: The SPCA or Houston Humane Society * To support children affected by the floods or donate diapers * Hurricane Harvey Relief Fund, Houston Food Bank, Red Cross * A nice comprehensive list of options To support DACA rights To take loving action in the form of increasing understanding around racial dynamics and privilege (for white Americans in particular): * This piece by Lori Lakin Hutcherson * Maisha Z. Johnson’s article about white privilege * A splash of cold water to the face for us “spiritual white women” * Brené Brown’s post-Charlottesville video * Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield’s piece Time for Truth and Reconciliation For empaths feeling bombarded by the world these days: * Dr. Judith Orloff’s latest book The Empath’s Survival Guide Of course these are just ideas for compassionate action possibilities. Feel into what feels authentic to you, and start there. Lots of Love,
PS – If you’d like some help staying on the compassion cultivation track, I share daily Mindful Morsels on Instagram and Facebook to help support your practice. Would love to connect with you there.
One concept I’m finding myself called to drop into the pool of exploration in coaching sessions a lot recently is:
My coaching clients are smart, self-aware women who, once they clear out the Self-limiting beliefs and flowdamming perfectionism from their inner space, are powerful creators in the world. Through the coaching and mindfulness processes of cultivating the capacity to slow down, tune in, and follow their intuitive and heart- and soul-aligned callings, these women start to free up (a lot of) energy that used to be bound up in fear, future-worrying, past-regretting, and self-criticizing. And suddenly they see whole new worlds of possibility opening up. (Those worlds of opportunity are of course always there, we just can’t notice them until our awareness becomes fine-tuned enough to see them clearly.) On the one hand, this new opening feels incredibly empowering. This, “Holy wow, I can create anything I want now!!” is energizing and exciting. But on the flip side, we sometimes get so excited about what we want to create for the future that we can get swept up in a sense of urgency. A sense that it all has to get done right now. And while that “Strike while the iron’s hot” energy can serve us in profound ways to make things happen…
The anxiety about having to say yes to everything right this second stems from a lack mindset. The subtext is: “If I don’t say yes to all these opportunities and get everything done right now, I may never have the chance again.” And you might be thinking, “But that really might be true. All this opportunity could dry up.” It makes sense from this perspective that we would feel the need to rush to try to make everything happen at once.
Imagine the long-term ripple effect of building your new dream home’s foundation as quickly and cheaply as possible. Yes, you may get that house up faster, but down the road, it will be much more easily shaken or blown off center, costing you far more in the long run. Now I’d like to invite you to take a few deep breaths and drop into a sense of how it would feel to create what you want in your life — the loving relationship, the thriving business, the meaningful contribution, the healthy body, the peaceful mind — from a grounded place of faith and inner knowing. From an intuitive place in the center of your being that trusts life and allows things to unfold in the perfectly organic way and pace, with no forcing or rushing required. What felt different in this version of your vision?
Our fullest power and potential are only available when we’re firmly grounded in this present moment. And if we try to rush past the foundation-laying phase of our unfolding process, our “house” will always stand on shaky ground. So while it’s tempting to skim over the steady, disciplined work required in the foundationlaying phase, it’s a must in order to create the sustainable, authentically grounded form of what we want.
Slow down; take a breath; and settle in while asking yourself: “What is the most vulnerable part of me fearing might happen if I don’t tackle this all at once?” If urgency is simply a masked form of fear, then investgating what’s beneath the mask takes the fear’s power away (think Wizard of Oz curtain reveal).
So the next time you find yourself swept up in to-do-list overwhelm and planning 99 steps down the road, you might: Pause. Take a breath. And take a compassionate (aka nonjudgmental) look at what’s behind the curtain.
Once you see with clear eyes what’s at the root of that frenetic energy, you’ll be effortlessly drawn toward whatever actions are most useful and appropriate for you in this moment. And thankfully, all we’re ever actually tasked with is addressing this one moment attentively. Lots of Love,
I’ve recently found myself drawn to comedy. The process of comedy, really. I loved this piece in Glamour from Mindy Kaling, the GQ cover story on Stephen Colbert, and Judd Apatow’s book Sick in the Head — a compilation of comedian interviews (including one with Jerry Seinfeld, who Apatow asked to interview at age 15 and who only realized Apatow was just a high school kid with a tape recorder once he was at his door.)
They’re constantly observing what’s happening within and around them. They have to be really present to catch all the humor in the “mundane” of daily life. When they’re on stage they’re textbook examples of flow, in the sweet spot between effort and preparation and surrender and letting things unfold organically. And they’re constantly practicing detaching from outcome. They never know when their set will bomb, but they keep getting on stage anyway. That’s what hit me in the core about the Stephen Colbert piece. When he was 10, his father and two brothers died in a plane crash. The interviewer asks him how he’s arrived at this place now where he seems to be so filled with genuine joy, rather than anger, and he refers back to some advice he got about “bombing” onstage as a comedian in his early days:
“I love the thing that I most wish had not happened.” Talk about fierce acceptance. And that’s what we’re doing with all this awareness cultivation. We’re learning to create more space to help us accept whatever “is” in our lives. The pleasant, the unpleasant, and everything in between. So how do we learn to love the things that are most hard to love?
• Notice resistance. Lots of things are going to feel unpleasant in life. Practice just being with the impulse to push the unpleasant away rather than reacting to it knee-jerk style. • Cozy up to discomfort. Practice just being with uncomfortable moments rather than trying to shoo them away or pretend they’re not happening. They are, and that’s OK. Lean in. • Drop expectations. Want what you want, but see what space opens up when you stop expecting it. Allow room for life to bring you the lesson or gift you’re meant to receive in a totally different (and potentially even more amazing) package than you’ve been imagining. • Remind yourself that you can handle this. You’ve successfully survived this many years of life. Think of all the tough things you’ve had to handle in order for that to be true. The more you lean in to this moment, the stronger you’ll realize you are on the other side. • Have faith that whatever’s happening is purposeful. It may not feel like it in the tough moments, so you just have to decide to trust that whatever’s been brought to you was placed before you with purpose. That it’s happening for you, not to you. • Know that grief and joy can coexist. Joy and sadness aren’t opposites. Our emotions all swim together in one big human pool. The deeper you allow yourself to dive into the shadows, the lighter and brighter you’ll get to come out. • Get grateful. Focus on all the good in your life. Tap into gratitude wherever you can for the pleasant and the unpleasant. Not in some tra-la-la denial-and-avoidance dance, trite “look for the silver lining!” way. But simply because goodness and beauty still do exist in the very same moments when grief is present. • Lather yourself up with this mantra: “It’s OK.” There’s nothing you need to push away and nothing you need to cling to. Whatever comes, let it come, with gratitude. Whatever goes, let it go, with gratitude. What if it’s *all* OK and it’s all happening for you? Lots of Love,
PS – If you want an example of how comedy and mindfulness can blend, this short Conan O’Brien interview with Louis C.K is brilliant. PPS – If you know anyone who might benefit from this post, thank you for sharing the love!
Alright friends, so the theme of the moment is … Personal responsibility. I know, I know, ugh. Maybe not the most enticing topic, but bear with me. The human brain is constantly on the lookout for shortcuts in the name of efficiency. Shortcuts to health, to love, to success, to money, to happiness. So when we’re in our mind’s default (unconscious, habitual) mode, we’ll do just about anything we can to avoid taking full responsibility for shaping the moment-to-moment inner experience of our lives. The mind convinces us it’s easier to blame other people or unwanted circumstances or the stars not aligning for us not being as happy as we’d like to be. So we distract ourselves with ruminating, with worrying, with judging, with blaming, with eating, with shopping, with Netflix-binging, with beating ourselves up, with doing more, more, more. We try to fix and problem-solve our way to happiness. We tell ourselves, I’ll be happy when I lose 10 lbs … meet my soul mate … get ouf of this job … get back from that yoga retreat … get more clients …
This was a theme a wise, kindness-driven coaching client had noticed in her life for as long as she could remember, and which came up a lot in our sessions together. She was always looking for the silver bullet — for the one thing that needed to come to her for everything else to fall into place in her life. But after a few months of inspiringly committed inner exploration on her part, she recently shared a game-changing insight. She came to our session excited to share that she’d realized there actually is a silver bullet, it just isn’t in the form she thought it would come.
With this a-ha, she realized she didn’t have to keep waiting around passively hoping she would start to feel better someday or resigning herself to the notion that she may not.
With that new focus, she started taking small, simple steps in her days that pointed toward joy. And wouldn’t you know it, she started to feel a whole lot better (which makes sense, since energy flows where attention goes) … And she opened the channels to receive an intuitive hit of clarity about a major life shift she’d been wanting to make for a long time but was feeling stuck around, as the cherry on top. If you’re looking for a silver bullet to your own happiness, what if it really is that simple?
The more you choose to take control of your capacity for conscious choice, the more joy and abundance will open up to you. Pretending we don’t have the ability to slow down, tune in, and choose how we respond to the moments of our lives does not a joyful life make. And a potent upside to taking 100% responsibility for consciously creating your inner experience is that you get to stop waiting around crossing your fingers and hoping what you want or how you want to feel will magically arrive at your doorstep.
No need to wait for the stars to align. You get to start designing how you feel from the inside out right now. If that kind of self-designed life experience sounds good to you, maybe try on a Silver Bullet Mantra for yourself over the next few weeks.
Write your own favorite choice-empowering phrase on a Post-It and stick it on your computer monitor or bedside table. Set reminders on your phone to pop up with your mantra periodically throughout the day. Write it on your bathroom mirror in dry erase marker. Then just notice … what happens when you choose to choose? (Spoiler alert: Get ready, because the answer may be just about everything.) Lots of Love,
It dawned on me recently that there’s an elephant in the room I haven’t addressed much directly in our mindful musings here together. It’s a theme that comes up with almost every female coaching client I work with in some form, and one that was a major pain point that turned me toward all this inner exploration and mindfulness work myself.
I’m guessing if you’re reading this I probably don’t need to tell you about it because you know it oh-so-intimately already. But here are some things I hear regularly from my smart, self-aware, success-driven “Perfectionistas”: Perfectionista Mantras: “I’m not ready.” “I could/should have done more.” “I don’t know enough.” “Why can’t I figure this out?” “I should be able to handle this.” “I don’t feel like I’ve ever achieved any real accomplishments.” “I’m not put-together enough.” “I don’t have enough training.” “So many people are doing that already.” “If I want it done right, I have to do it myself.” “I’m not good at that.” “There just aren’t enough hours in the day.” “I haven’t _____ yet.” “I couldn’t say no because…” “I feel so guilty that…” “I’ll be able to relax once…” “I’m so mad at myself that I…” “I’ll be happy when…” These thoughts seem like such clear downers you’d think we’d drop them like hot potatoes. But well-worn perfectionists generally hit major resistance at the notion of loosening the control death grip (and perfectionism is, at its core, so much about control), accompanied by foot-stomping thoughts like:
And this self-worth sinker:
Most of us have been so conditioned to believe that we need to prove and earn our worth that we’ve been pushing and forcing and striving our way toward a romanticized Island of Personal Perfection without ever stopping to question: Is all this “Must do more!!” perfectionistic hysteria actually working to help you be more “successful” (not to mention happy)? At the risk of bursting the bubble of a belief you self-proclaimed perfectionists have oriented virtually your entire existence around, that life-long assumption that being “perfect” would make you more productive (aka “better”) …? Is absolute bunk.
(Students who are harder on themselves after procrastinating, for example, are actually likely to procrastinate more for their next exam.) While self-compassion and forgiveness are correlated with more motivation, selfcontrol, and overall happiness and well-being. And if this all sounds familiar, it’s because the voice of perfectionism is the voice of the Inner Critic — your old familiar inner Debbie Downer that tries to keep you safe by keeping you small. All of this gets complicated by the fact that most of us have learned to be so good at striving never-endingly for perfection that we actually wear the self-depletion as a badge of honor. Perfectionism is like telling everyone how busy we are. It becomes a joyless “Who’s more successful?” competition. But when you really get down to it:
In the perfectionistic mindset, we grasp for control. We constantly seek external validation. In the back of our minds we believe that, if we just do a little bit more, we’ll be OK. Aka, we’ll be enough. And that’s what perfectionistic striving is truly all about. Trying to do, prove, have, be enough so we’ll finally feel worthy of receiving goodness. Success. Abundance. Love.
Where’s the finish line? Who decides when you get that final gold star of enough-ness? And what would actually change in your life if you did finally get that big “Hurrah, you’re perfect!” stamp of approval?
We pin our sense of worth on how much we can prove to others we’re capable of doing; which means when we inevitably can’t get all of those things done “perfectly” and sustainably — because we’re human (yes, sorry, even you, my lovely Perfectionista) — we’re set up for let-down after let-down. We cling to the notion that perfection is possible with the magical thinking hope that we can: *Always look like we have it all together. *Be constantly hyper-productive. *Do it all (by ourselves). *Be as capable or successful as we think the people around us are. *Be superhuman. *Always be in control. *Never need to rest and rejuvenate. *Never fail. *Never be rejected. *Never be embarrassed. *Never get hurt. *Never be found out for the fraud we secretly fear we are. (Notice the all-or-nothing language. Perfectionistic thinking is black and white; no allowing for the full spectrum of human experience.) But in reality, perfectionism: *Makes us feel guilty. *Makes us feel chaotic and anxious. *Cuts us off from the present moment (can’t enjoy the present moment when you’re regretting all you “didn’t get done” or “still have to get done”). *Makes us less productive (because the constant doing and guilt and anxiety are so draining). *Keeps us small. *Limits our potential. *Never lets us take risks for things we truly care about. *Puts a glass ceiling on our capacity for success and contribution. *Makes us feel isolated and alone. *Cuts us off from joy. *Cuts us off from flow. *Cuts us off from creativity. *Cuts us off from intuition. *Cuts us off from authentic connection. *Cuts us off from unconditional love. *Makes us feel constantly less than.
The antidote to the thankless, life-force-depleting, never-ending perfectionism cycle is simple. It’s the deep-in-your-bones trust that:
What if it truly is that simple? What if the only thing actually standing between you and a whole new level of (extremely productive, by the way) flow, ease, and joy in your life is that lurking self-doubt about your own essential enough-ness?
Of course, while this idea is simple, it’s not always easy, with the conditioning most of us have been rinsing and repeating with for virtually our entire lives telling us the contrary. So below are some ways to play with starting to get just as much or more accomplished in your life with a ton more joy and ease, and without all the guilt and feeling crappy about yourself.
:: Just start. Your perfectionistic Inner Critic is never satisfied. She’ll always try to convince you you’re not doing enough. If you listen every day to the “not yet” admonition, you’ll never do anything that feels truly important (aka authentic) to you. Just START. You’ll build the trust that you can handle what flows from there. :: Bite-size it. An addendum to #1: Yes, start, but start small. Aka start reasonable. Your inner perfectionist will try to make you believe it has to be all or nothing — Go big or go home! Not true. Slow and steady will build the type of success you desire just as well as fast and furious — and likely even build it on a more solid foundation. :: Don’t ask everyone you know for their opinion. The seedlings of your deepest desires are delicate at first. Let them take root, get really firmly planted, before you start sharing more broadly. And be mindfully selective about: a) Who you share your most tender inner realm with b) What your intention in sharing is :: Tune in rather than out. Our inner perfectionist is all about relative worth. That means constantly holding yourself up as “better” or “worse” than people around you — a slippery slope to unproductively beating yourself up when you feel less than. Tune in to your own intention and intuition. Your inner North Star knows how to get you where you most want to go. :: Focus on enjoying the process, rather than worrying about the outcome. The self-critical perfectionist will try to convince you things always have to be a particular, exact way. Call its bluff. Maybe things could turn out even better than your narrow-minded inner perfectionist is able to imagine. :: Play. Play is a great perfectionism-buster because it’s intrinsically uncontrollable, imprecise, organic. All of which makes it a great practice for dialing back the notion that things need to (or can) be “perfect,” and to build your confidence that a) you can handle imperfection and b) it can even be fun to let things get a little messy. :: Stop focusing on what it looks like, start focusing on what it feels like. Perfectionism is an addiction to looking like we have it all together to the outside world — usually at a huge cost to our inner world. When you notice your inner perfectionist jump into the driver’s seat, take a breath; press pause; and tune in to what you notice in your body. Your inner sensations will offer potent clues as to whether you’re heading in a direction that feels right-on for you. :: Ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen?” Remember, your inner perfectionist is really just a part of you that, like your Inner Critic, is trying to keep you safe. She’s never going to be on board with anything that might make you look foolish or “fail.” But the wiser, more developed parts of your brain and Self can override that primitive, emotional part of you to discern when a risk is worth the potential gains on the other side, or when it would truly be wisest to tweak things before proceeding. Playing out the worst case scenarios is, ironically, a powerful way to calm the perfectionistic and anxious mind. :: Focus on what’s truly most important. Your inner perfectionist will tell you everything is of vital importance. (It has to be done right and it has to be done right now!) Remember, the perfectionistic mindset is all-or-nothing. The reality is, everything in your day is not of equal importance. Play with focusing on your top 2 “must-do’s” each day and letting anything else you accomplish be icing. :: Celebrate “small victories.” Full disclosure: The ego / inner perfectionist hates this and will resist big time. The perfectionistic mind wants everything to come together immediately and neatly and tidily and, well, perfectly. But the way things actually work is they grow bit by bit. With steady, consistent, un-dramatic, brick-by-brick foundation laying. The more you soak in the “small victories” the more motivated and confident you’ll feel to keep taking steps in the “big” direction you want to head.
:: Rinse and repeat with one of these mantras — or your own personal favorite perfectionism-soother — all day long: * This is enough * I have enough * I’m doing enough * It’s safe for me to relax (slow down; soften; let go; take a break) now * I’m human * Just this one thing * It’s OK * And once you’ve worked up toward it and it starts to feel true-ish to you: I am enough
* Self-compassion, by Kristin Neff * Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach * Playing Big, by Tara Mohr * Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, by John Welwood * The Trance of Scarcity, by Victoria Castle * Emotional Alchemy, by Tara Bennett-Goleman * Lovingkindness, by Sharon Salzberg * Undefended Love, by Jett Psaris & Marlena Lyons * A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson * I Thought It Was Just Me, by Brené Brown * The Places That Scare You, by Pema Chödrön * The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown * A Path With Heart, by Jack Kornfield * Guided Self-Compassion Meditations & Exercises from Kristin Neff * Mindful Magazine article and TED talk on why shame & self-judgment are counter to growth and self-improvement. If you have a sneaking suspicion that your perfectionism habit is actually leading you away from, rather than toward, the levels of success, fulfillment, joy, and connection you really want in your life, lean in. You’re already inherently enough. Now it’s up to you to do the work to step into believing it … and enjoy how life’s flow opens up to you with rewards beyond your wildest dreams for embracing the perfection of imperfection. Lots of Love,
When I first read Amy Krouse Rosenthal’s recent Modern Love essay You May Want to Marry My Husband, I cried. Of course I wasn’t alone, what with a 50-year-old mother of three diagnosed 18 months prior with terminal ovarian cancer writing a “dating profile” for her soon to be single husband. (There were more than 1600 comments on the New York Times site in response to the piece.) What really got me was how simple and sweet the examples she used to describe how wonderful her husband were. He brought flowers to their first ultrasound appointment. He would make smiley faces with things near the coffee pot every morning. He would emerge from a gas station market and place a surprise gum ball (any color but white) in her palm. “I have been married to the most extraordinary man for 26 years. I was planning on at least another 26 together,” she wrote. But 10 days after her essay was published, Amy passed away. I didn’t connect the dots at first that this was the same Amy whose sweet children’s book Plant a Kiss I’d participated in an event organized by a local coach friend to celebrate the release of a few years back. So when that same coach friend proposed resurrecting the Plant a Kiss Kindness Project, I hopped in to spread some extra light in the world in honor of Amy along with 100 or so others that we would share today, March 17th. I carried a bundle of heart-shaped chocolates and hand-written “You’re beautiful” notes in my pockets, and as I walked through airports during travel last week, I quietly slipped them onto bathroom counters and bookshelves and water fountains for people to stumble upon.
It felt sweet, but the process reminded me that kindness seeds don’t have to be planted in tangible form. That day it was easier to remember to send loving-kindness — inner well-wishes — to strangers I passed in the airport. I felt greater compassion for security agents dealing with surly lines of travelers and for the stressed-out girl who just found out her flight was delayed. I had a lovely, connected conversation sitting on the airport floor with a physical therapist from a ranch in Texas who was in awe after his first trip to San Francisco. It was easier to remember to slow down and smile at the coffee cashier, and an hour-long conversation with my Uber driver flowed effortlessly. I remembered to slow down and tune in enough to connect more fully that day. The process of planting kisses of kindness reminded me of the key ingredients to a “Plan ‘Be'” like Amy alluded to in her essay: * Slow down * Pay attention * Extend out (this 3rd element — connection — is a natural byproduct of the first two) But I still found it hard to get myself to sit down and write about my kindness seed planting experience. When I sat down today to do that, I realized why, as the tears came again and I was reminded of this favorite wisdom from Mary Oliver:
Sometimes life feels too tender to really let ourselves touch or be touched by it. We try to barricade ourselves from the bittersweet reality that, when it comes down to it, is inescapably at the core of the whole human experience: That we will, at some point, be called upon to let go of our attachment to our most loving connections in this form. That the only thing we actually have control over is our experience right here, right now. Amy’s example, through her essay and more than 30 children’s books and the zest with which she clearly lived life, is a reminder, even for those of us that didn’t know her personally, that allowing our hearts to be tenderized is worth it.
And because kindness ripples out. Because kindness matters. We forget sometimes. OK, sometimes we forget a lot. But we can always remember again, and when we do, we can return. To presence; to generosity; to gratitude; to connection. Amy’s life, and graceful exit from it, was a reminder to remember to keep coming back to simple acts of connection. A reminder that kindness doesn’t have to be grand. It can be as simple as a moment of sharing a gum ball. So here’s to each of us planting seeds of kindness within and around us, one small word and act at a time. May we remember that there actually are no “small” acts. May we remember to focus on kindness. To tune in to all we have to be grateful for in each moment. To connect as whole-heartedly as we’re able in each moment, despite knowing that the moments will pass. May we stay willing to reopen to life again and again. May we savor the moments of this life and spread some joy while we’re here. Thank you, Amy Krouse Rosenthal, for the reminder. Lots of Love,
Click here for the Plant a Kiss 2017 links, which will be added all day long on March 17th, 2017.
So, holiday season is upon us. Office parties, social gatherings up the wazoo, gift lists, hosting and visiting family… Maybe you’re one of those people who loves this time of year and starts listening to holiday music and baking treeshaped cookies right after Halloween. But maybe you’re one of the many who, even while enjoying and feeling grateful for a ton this time of year, can also feel a little – or more than a little – overwhelmed. And the holidays can be prime trigger flare-up season. From old family stuff getting stirred up to money stress to finding time to get holiday cards out to worrying about how to navigate the seemingly endless parade of appetizers, alcohol, and sugary this and that everywhere you go…not to mention after a year of political contentiousness and environmental tragedies of all sorts to boot. The weight of all the “should’s” and “have to’s” can feel mighty heavy around this time of year. Mix in a little guilt about goals from last year you maybe didn’t quite hit, some anxiety about next year already being here, and a touch of grief for family who aren’t around anymore or the fact that you’re (still) single or not feeling the way you wish you did in your relationship, and you’ve got a perfect meltdown recipe. And especially for the introverts among us, all the external chatter around the end of the year can feel especially draining. I love this season, but I also have to stay extra mindful to stay grounded amidst the swirl of it all. The trick to staying grounded through this time of year isn’t to eliminate stressors (which, sorry, isn’t gonna happen); it’s to fill up your reserves so you’re as resourced as possible to manage the triggers when they arise.
Set an intention before social gatherings. Land on a few key adjectives of how you want to be, then go be them. Take a timeout. Taking space when you need it isn’t selfish; it’s self-care. And it’s a must for those of us who are energetically sensitive. Even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom at a family gathering for a few minutes to put your hand over your heart or belly and just take a few full rounds of breath, sneaking in some silence can be a game changer. Say No. Do you really have to RSVP yes to all of those work parties? Do those holiday cards have to be so meticulously handwritten? Decide what you can let go of to stay in integrity with your energetic needs by dropping the “shoulds” wherever possible. Focus on abundance. If you find yourself slipping into overwhelm mode / Lack Land, try on this mantra:
Allow plenty of time. Rushing adds to the frazzled-ness. Cut down on chaos by giving yourself as much time as possible to cross off your to-do’s. Drink plenty of water. Great for both flushing out the alcohol and sugar and for its grounding effects. Tune out the media. Mute the TV during those “Buy buy buy!” commercials if you’re feeling ungrounded. Better yet, consider pulling back from media more broadly this month. Silence is golden for grounding. Dial back the caffeine. Caffeine has a majorly ungrounding effect. Go for the single latte instead of the double if you’re already feeling anxious. Focus on what’s most important. Do you really have to write a whole story in your head about why your mother-in-law made that annoying comment? If you want more peace and joy this holiday season, notice where you can loosen your grip. Get plenty of sleep. I know, I know, so obvious. But seriously, if you want to stay grounded, do whatever you can to make it happen. Practice mindful eating. Take a breath before and after each bite. Chew each bite fully. Intend to truly enjoy every bite. Go to your self-care go-to’s. Yogis, create space for at least a few sun salutes on those jam-packed days. Meditators, get your butt to the cushion for at least a few minutes. If you know you’re a monster without your daily run, be sure to pack those running shoes for Grandma’s house. Get grateful. Notice the incredible abundance of blessings already present in your life right now. Gratitude is a major grounder. And don’t forget to take some time to reflect on and celebrate all the growth you achieved – “big” or “small” – in 2017, and to start planting the seeds of what you’d like to bring to life in 2018. Wishing you a joyful, gratitude-rich holiday season, Lots of Love,
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