User Name
Remember Me?
Password
Log in
Straight Dope Message Board
Register
FAQ
Calendar
Straight Dope Message Board > Main > In My Humble Opinion (IMHO) > Could you be romantically involved with someone who'd been the Other Person multiple times...
View Poll Results: Read the OP; there's no story but there are definitions. Results PRIVATE; multiple choices allowed. I would not have a relationship with such a person under any circumstances.
52
35.37%
I could date this person casually (or be a fuck-buddy), but would not be exclusive.
35
23.81%
I could date this person exclusively but would not marry or cohabit.
7
4.76%
I could marry and/or cohabit with this person.
44
29.93%
I think this person's behavior is morally identical to being the cheater.
32
21.77%
I think this person's behavior is bad, but not as bad as cheating.
48
32.65%
I think this person's behavior is worse than cheating.
3
2.04%
I think this person's behavior is morally neutral.
20
13.61%
Thanks for making these results private!
29
19.73%
Thanks for leaving out the smartass remark that has nothing to do with anything.
22
14.97%
Wait a minute...
30
20.41%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 147. You may not vote on this poll
Reply
Page 2 of 2
<
Thread Tools
1
2
Display Modes
06-01-2011, 01:58 PM
#51
drachillix
Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: 192.168.0.1 Posts: 9,783
Guest
I have been and could again. I tend to see being "the other person" as kinda shady but morally neutral depending on circumstance. If the single person is making the advances, on the married one, I tend to see as more inappropriate than if the married pursues the single. If a single person is sleeping with a married person and the married person initiated the relationship, the single person is not breaking any promises to the married persons spouse. If they are not looking for committment they are not really doing anything different than picking someone up from a bar. The responsibility to say no I feel falls primarily on the person involved in a committed relationship. A single person targeting someone who is married is IMHO alot less cool, but still the primary responsibility here falls on the married person to say no. Reply With Quote 06-01-2011, 02:11 PM
Johanna Charter Member
#52 Join Date: Oct 1999 Location: Altered States of America Posts: 12,585
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer And the person has not cheaed on his or her own partners anyway.
This being the key point for me. If an individual has never cheated on a partner, that's what matters to me vis-à-vis becoming their partner. I just don't see the other stuff as all that significant. That doesn't mean I think it's A-OK. I also rated it "bad, but not as bad as cheating." Where I differ is that I'm willing to let it slide because I just don't give it that much weight, as far as my own interests are concerned. Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer Okay, I still don't get it. More details, please.
The concept of "high horse" meaning to hold oneself morally superior. An attitude that may be even more offensive to me, personally, than someone's having formerly been the "other" person. Last edited by Johanna; 06-01-2011 at 02:15 PM.
Reply With Quote 06-01-2011, 02:24 PM
#53
Maggie the Ocelot
Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Beijing, CA Posts: 3,139
Guest
Well, that would hardly be fair, would it? I have been before, myself. I grew up and out of it, no reason not to think that my partner couldn't do so. Reply With Quote 06-01-2011, 04:41 PM
#54
Wheelz
Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4,971
Guest
My votes: "I could marry and/or cohabit with this person." I know I am not my wife's first sexual partner, and I don't care. I know I'm her last. If any of her previous partners had been married, it wouldn't be a huge deal, as I was certain she was done sleeping with anybody else before we got married. But... "I think this person's behavior is bad, but not as bad as cheating." Being the Other Person is not exactly morally neutral. You're aiding and abetting another's unethical behavior. It's not nearly as bad as cheating, though. A single person has made no promises to be faithful, and (speaking only for myself, I guess) can have more of an "any port in a storm" mentality. When I was single, I came thisclose to having sex with a married acquaintance one drunken night. I admit I felt a bit weird about it, but I rationalized that I didn't know anything about her husband or the state of her marriage, and figured there must be a reason she's making this choice. I definitely would have gone through with it, but she put on the brakes at the last minute. Had we done it, though, I'd still be the same person -- one who's never cheated on an SO. Reply With Quote
06-01-2011, 06:14 PM
#55
Steophan
Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Nottingham Posts: 8,229
Guest
n/m Last edited by Steophan; 06-01-2011 at 06:16 PM. Reason: Should've read the 3rd page of the thread.
Reply With Quote 06-01-2011, 08:23 PM
#56
Farmer Jane
Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 5,785
Member Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer Are you saying that you're okay with dating someone who's behaved as described in the OP, or that you're okay with being someone who acts that way?
As someone who had a year long affair with a married man (and no, I wasn't friends with his wife), I feel bad in way, but not as bad as I'd feel if I'd cheated on a boyfriend. Honestly, if someone told me they'd been with a married woman before, I'd think, "So?" If it happens a lot then I think he just has commitment issues and I'm not interested...but I'd rather date someone who had an affair or a fling or even cheated than, say, a guy who lives with his mom and is 33 or someone who was a recovering coke addict or whatever. There are certain things that are off-limits, like Evangelical Christians and pedophiles, but not this. Life is spicy. As long as your head is on straight and I like you, who gives a fuck? Reply With Quote 06-01-2011, 08:27 PM
#57
Farmer Jane
Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 5,785
Member Quote:
Originally Posted by Wheelz But... "I think this person's behavior is bad, but not as bad as cheating." Being the Other Person is not exactly morally neutral. You're aiding and abetting another's unethical behavior.
But you're not breaking the law. And how is it different than buying sweatshop-made jeans at the Gap or eating at your favorite restaurant that underpays its undocumented immigrants? What if you vote for a candidate who has a bad position on something but you don't want to vote for the other guy? Or if you drive a gas guzzler, or don't tell a friend she's getting really freaking fat, or whatever? There are 10,000 things you can do that are 'shady by proxy', and I think when it comes to love and relationships, it gets awfully hard to be judgy. Don't all the good romance movies have affairs in them? Reply With Quote 06-01-2011, 08:56 PM
#58
Autolycus
Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Ainran Posts: 11,449
Member Quote:
Originally Posted by pseudotriton ruber ruber This is the part I don't understand. "Plutonic" in the sense of "mythological ruler of the underworld" or in the "Disney dog" sense? Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer Are you new to typos? That was obviously meant to be platonic.
--===oo8888 Wooooossshhh! Reply With Quote 06-01-2011, 08:58 PM
Johanna Charter Member
#59 Join Date: Oct 1999 Location: Altered States of America Posts: 12,585
Quote:
Originally Posted by CitizenPained Life is spicy. As long as your head is on straight and I like you, who gives a fuck?
QFT Reply With Quote
06-02-2011, 08:41 AM
Wheelz Guest
#60 Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4,971
Quote:
Originally Posted by CitizenPained But you're not breaking the law. And how is it different than buying sweatshop-made jeans at the Gap or eating at your favorite restaurant that underpays its undocumented immigrants? What if you vote for a candidate who has a bad position on something but you don't want to vote for the other guy? Or if you drive a gas guzzler, or don't tell a friend she's getting really freaking fat, or whatever? There are 10,000 things you can do that are 'shady by proxy', and I think when it comes to love and relationships, it gets awfully hard to be judgy.
Eh, I don't think it's all that judgy to think it's wrong to cheat on your spouse. And if I'm the one you're cheating with, I'm directly helping you do something I think is wrong. No, it's not a crime, it's not the end of the world, and it is forgiveable -- and yes, I was ready and willing to go there myself years ago. I don't think I'm on a high horse here, just pointing out that such behavior strays a bit south of the "morally neutral" line. That doesn't make somebody a horrible person; we've all visited that side of the line for one reason or another, I'm sure. Reply With Quote 06-02-2011, 10:28 AM
DianaG Guest
#61 Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 8,562
I don't think it should be wildly controversial to say that you can be a nice person who's done bad things. Cheating on is bad. Cheating with isn't as bad, but it's still not okay. Doing the occasional not okay or even bad thing doesn't render one a horrible human being. That said, no one is obliged to date every non-horrible human being, and you're allowed to pick and choose your criteria. If the cheating is a big deal for you, that's valid. Reply With Quote 06-02-2011, 10:48 AM
#62
An Arky
Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 8,333
Member
Yup, it's a matter of personal choice. I might take a dim view of it, but it's not like I'm all het up wanting to sew a scarlet A on anybody; I'm just taking a pass. Reply With Quote 06-02-2011, 11:00 AM
DianaG Guest
#63 Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 8,562
Heh. Looking at the poll results, it appears that at least three people here are having some trouble accepting that their spouses do in fact have free will and were not actually forced in any way to cheat. Good luck with that, guys. Reply With Quote 06-02-2011, 02:40 PM
#64
Mama Zappa
Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 11,485
Charter Member
"would not have a relationship under any circumstances" - well, assuming the person *knew* he was involved with married people in those prior relationships. Similarly "morally the same as being the cheater". If the person did NOT know in any of the relationships, then I might question his ability to judge people, so I'd tread pretty carefully. For what it's worth: it takes two to cheat. The "other person" is just as bad as the spouse who's cheating. Reply With Quote Page 2 of 2
Reply
<
1
2
Bookmarks del.icio.us
Digg
Facebook
reddit
StumbleUpon
Twitter
Google
« Previous Thread | Next Thread »
Posting Rules You may not post new threads You may not post replies You may not post attachments You may not edit your posts BB code is On Smilies are On [IMG] code is Off HTML code is Off
Forum Jump
Forum Rules
In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)
Go
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:23 PM.
Contact Us - Straight Dope Homepage - Archive - Top
-- Sultantheme's Responsive vB3-blue Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc. Send questions for Cecil Adams to:
[email protected] Send comments about this website to:
[email protected] Terms of Use / Privacy Policy Advertise on the Straight Dope! (Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.) Publishers - interested in subscribing to the Straight Dope? Write to:
[email protected]. Copyright © 2018 STM Reader, LLC.