Elliott's Humor Page 2 [PDF]

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Older Jokes Oil Changing Instructions Women: 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Men: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39.

Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. Clean up. Have another beer while oil is draining. Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off. Beer. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floor board in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. Beer. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. Beer. Lower car from jack stands Accidentally crush one of the jack stands Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Drive car 1 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.

This is supposedly the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

WORST THINGS TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control. I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ...but could I borrow five hundred dollars? Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today. Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it. I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice. Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars. Wait till my wife hears about this! I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior. GHOSTLY DRIVE Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger shakily handed the ghostly figure a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly whispered. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

And here are the latest VIRUS ALERTS!! THE CLINTON Virus.... Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory. THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus... Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. THE LEWINSKY virus... Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did. THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. THE MIKE TYSON virus.... Quits after two bytes. THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb. THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus.... Deletes all old files. THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... Disks can no longer be inserted. THE PROZAC virus.... Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... Only attacks minor files. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

Have I told this already? Al Gore was brainstorming his campaign strategy with Bill Clinton at a Georgetown restaurant when the waitress came to take their order. Gore ordered a salad and water, and Bill Clinton studied the menu for a second. Then he looked up, smiled, and said, "I'll have a quickie." The waitress was offended. "Mr. President," she said, "Considering all that your wife went through last year with Monica Lewinsky, I think that that's in particularly poor taste." She stomped away to cry. Al Gore leaned over to Clinton, looked at his menu, and whispered, "Uh, Bill, I think that's pronounced 'quiche.'" The CEO A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when she found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Common Sayings The alleged origin of these is a first-grade teacher that collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder. The results: As you shall make your bed so shall you.......mess it up. Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader. Strike while the .........................bug is close. It's always darkest before............... daylight Savings Time. Never underestimate the power of..........termites. You can lead a horse to water but.........how? Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty. No news is................................impossible. A miss is as good as a....................Mister. You can't teach an old dog new............math. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning. Love all, trust...........................me. The pen is mightier than the..............pigs. An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's...............pollution. Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents. A penny saved is..........................not much. Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...................you have to blow your nose. None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries. You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box. When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way. There Is No Fool Like.....................Aunt Eddie. And the favorite: Better late than..........................pregnant.

MORE WISE ADVICE FROM CHILDREN "The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants." - Ari K, age 7 "Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9 "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8 "If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8 "Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from." - Susannah K., age 6 "When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off." - Jon G., age 12 "Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7 "Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10 "My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing." - Emma B., age 4

Things we learn from our mothers: 1.My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 2.My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 3.My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ...Don't talk back to me!" 4.My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 5.My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 6.My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." 7.My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" 8.My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't come running to me." 9.My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 10.My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" 11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." 12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 13.My Mother taught me about wisdom of age: "When you get to be my age, you will understand." 14.And my all time favorite...JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. ...Then you'll see what it's like."

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions. "Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? "Second: How many seconds are there in a year? "Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T' ?" Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "0h, Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......" "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest replied, "Andy." "OK, OK," said a frustrated St.Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song..... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN ...."

SHORT ORDERS A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The Brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite. Following her, the Redhead walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite. Last, the Blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a Fifteen." "A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?" "Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."

LET'S PICK ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract. Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A. Make him wear shoes. Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. ONE. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q. What did God say after creating man? A. I can do so much better. Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window. Q. What do you call a man with half a brain? A. Gifted. Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? A. Exchange him. Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work. Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name. Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes. Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? A. Big Foot's been spotted several times. Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say? A. "My wife says." Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? A. So men can understand them. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts. Q. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? A. To keep them from grazing. Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Q. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

BUS 54 A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time, and she wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

HAIRSPRAY A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops of down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says... "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Smartstocks.com now has an Idiot of The Week Award. On Feb. 7, 2000, they announced the winner of their first award with the following story: A broker sent a fax and then called to make sure that all 7 pages had been received. The secretary checked the fax machine and told the man that we had only received one page and there was an error message. The secretary then had someone else look at the fax machine to see if they could find the problem. This person said that the error message said received into memory. He told her that that means the machine is out of paper. In all seriousness the secretary looked at him and asked, "How do we know it is our machine and not their machine that is out of paper?"

YOU MIGHT BE FROM THE NORTHWEST IF YOU... Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash. Use the expression: "sun break" and know what it means. Know more than 10 ways to order coffee. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant. Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal. Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain. Complain about Californians, as you sell your house for twice its value to one. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon. Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Clatskanie and Willamette. Consider swimming an indoor sport. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food. In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while only working 8-hour days. Obey all traffic laws except "Keep right except to pass." Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho. Are not fazed by "Today's Forecast: showers followed by rain" and "Tomorrow's Forecast: rain followed by showers." Can't wait for a day with "Showers and sun breaks." Have no concept of humidity without precipitation. Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Veneto's. Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind. Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover. Say "the mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it. Feel like you've grown up with Bill Gates and can't quite figure out why people can be so mean to him. Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka. Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on. Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain. Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. Knew immediately that the view out Frasier's window was fake. And finally, you know you're from the Northwest: If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time. THE LITTLE THINGS A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IS UNDER-QUALIFIED 10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing." 8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy." 7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares. 6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut. 5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?" 4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?" 3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all. 2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!" ..and the Number One Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified.. 1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

Three Corporate Lessons... Lesson Number One: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Morals: 1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3. And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

GOTTA GO An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, "Hey you, what are you doing?" "I gotta go, man," replied the tourist. "You can't go here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered. The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "whiz away." The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist. "No. This is the American Embassy."

Breaking the news Three men are working on the 50th floor of a new building, when Bob falls and lands on the sidewalk. The other two mournfully discuss his death, and one says, "We have to go tell his wife." John says, "I'm a sensitive, new age kind of guy, I'll go." A few hours later he comes back to the job site carrying a 6-pack. His friend says, "Where did you get the beer?" John replies "Bob's widow gave it to me." The first man says, "Let me understand this. You go tell a woman that her husband has just been killed and she give you a 6-pack?" "Yeah" says John. "I went up to the door and when she answered, I said 'You must be Bob's widow.' She answered "I'm not a widow.' I said to her, 'Want to bet a 6-pack on that?'"

BIRD WATCHING A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they took ornithology, thinking it would be an easy course. After performing poorly for most of the semester, they decided in desperation to get to work, and spent weeks studying for the final. The day of the exam arrived, and they felt that they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs. The teacher said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs." After ten minutes one young man stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the blank paper down on the teacher's desk. "Dammit!" he hollered, "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate! How could you do this to me?" The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, "Hey you, what's your name?" The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, "I don't know sir. You tell me."

WISE ADVICE FROM KIDS (PART II) 1. "Always knock after dad comes." -- Brian, 3 2. "Medicine only works if it's cherry flavored." -- Elissa, 9 3. "Good food always comes with a toy." -- Ryan, 6 4. "Just because your dog drinks from the toilet, doesn't mean you should." -- Juaquim, 7 5. "Don't dry the dog in the microwave." -- Brittany, 5 6. "Never ask dad about his "other" friend." -- Nippun, 10 7. "If mommy says no, then you should ask daddy." -- Daniel, 7 8. "You can't eat soup with a fork." -- Mel, 4 9. "Don't pick your nose when you're fingerpainting." --Xiang, 8 10. "Never ask mom when she's going to go on a diet." --Bob, 11

Flying with Class People often joke about citizens in Eastern European countries flying with animals on the planes. When I was visiting a small country in that part of the continent I had the option to upgrade to first class. I looked at the brochure that didn't note any differences between coach and first class, so I asked the attendant what the difference was. The attendant responded, "In first class the stewards clean up after the animals. In coach, you have to." In Boston our flight was delayed at the terminal for about an hour. When the plane finally taxied onto the runway the captain came on the intercom to apologize. Making light of the issue, he said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to apologize for the delay. It is crucial to the company that we provide the same service to all of our customers. The ground crew was on break and we had to wait for them to return to insure that the right number of bags were sent to the wrong location." I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag. After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

LOW INVENTORY A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry." "Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman. "Nope. Don't have that." "My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the damn store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15.

You Are Different and That's Bad The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables Dad's New Wife Robert Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence All Cats Go to Hell The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

HANDS-ON EXPERIENCE One day a bunch of workers were digging a hole. While the men were digging, there was a supervisor telling them where to dig. The men in the hole figured that the supervisor was getting paid more for doing less. They sent a worker up to ask the supervisor why this was the case. The supervisor said, "Because I'm smarter than you. That's why! I was an economics major, while you were a liberal arts major!" The worker argued with this man for a while. So the supervisor pulled the worker aside and brought him to a nearby telephone pole. He put his hand on the telephone pole and said, "Hit my hand." The worker said, "Nah, I ain't gonna hit your hand! You'll fire me!" But the supervisor insisted. So, the worker tightened his fist and tried to hit the supervisor's hand. But the supervisor pulled his hand away, and the worker hit the telephone pole with full force, causing his hand to bleed. The supervisor said, "See. That's why I'm smarter than you." The worker went back to the hole with his bloody hand and started digging again. The other workers came up to him and asked, "What did he say?" The worker replied, "Let's put it this way..." then he paused. He looked around and said, "Well, there don't seem to be any telephone poles around here." So he put his hand in front of his face and said, "Alright, try to hit my hand."

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (a classic from the archives, updated for the age of E-mail) ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 14 My dearest darling John: Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree? Thank you a hundred times! All my love forever, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 15 Dearest John: I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're adorable. Thanks again! Love always, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 16 Dear John: Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens! Love, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 17 Dear John: Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic? Affectionately, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 18 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to wonder about you! Love, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 19 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. Please stop. Cordially, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 20 John: What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop! Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 21 O.K. Buster: What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds - they had to bring their cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, smartass. Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 22 Hey Bonehead: What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you thinking?! ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 23 You rotten jerk: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies." They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you. ============================================================== Lydia Zeltow December 24 Listen you "#$%&*^#" Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to death in the orgy. The pipers have even started getting the cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!!! Your sworn enemy ============================================================== Harrison Burnsley, Esq. December 25 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and peace of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or contact Ms. Zeltow at the sanitarium where she now resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on sight. ==============================================================

The following quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for the answers. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional. 1. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer. Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. This question tests your foresight. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional. 4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it? Correct answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability. If you answered four out four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of four correctly, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAne! 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point your hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Insist that your e-mail address be: [email protected] 4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5. Encourage you colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers 8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 12. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 13. dontuseanypunctuationorspaces 14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 15. Ask people what sex they are. 16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 17. Sing along at the opera. 18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 23. Hum when you ride an elevator. ....AnD tHe FiNaL wAy tO aNnOy PeOpLe: 24. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.

HOPE'S PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're cheese and wine. The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

WORK ACCIDENT Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing internet company. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied, "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

Six Presidents were on a sinking boat... Ford says, "What do we do?" Bush says, "Man the life boats!" Reagan says, "What life boats?" Carter says, "Women first!" Nixon says, "Screw the women!" Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

Classic Lawyer Jokes (for those of you planning to go on to law school, this will help thicken your skin...) What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think He is a lawyer. Why are all the toxic dumps in New Jersey and all the lawyers in California? New Jersey got the first pick. What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? He stopped breathing. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground instead of the usual six feet? Because deep down, they are really good people. What does a criminal lawyer have in common with Pee-Wee Herman? They can both get themselves off. What does a lawyer use for contraception? His personality. When do you really need a lawyer? When you're talking to a lawyer. What did the homicidal maniac say to the lawyer? "How could you?" A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!" During the final exam, the professor noticed that Bill Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit. "Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?" "Not at all," Bill replied. "It's all pretty boring."

August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line doublevalve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and, in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra. What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience. Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them, passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind, and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture. Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with an Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas back-wards through the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious. The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the low brass section yell out, "Hey, everyone, watch this!"

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board: Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope ...

A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Q: If a man is talking in the forest, and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong? Q: Why do husbands appreciate hell? At least there, they know what they did wrong.

The Judge A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?? You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

EMBEZZLEMENT A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well...? what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says . . . go to hell . . . you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

The Bear In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. His attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful, for it only made the bear mad. Full of fear, he turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!" Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter. The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive..."

FUTURE FALWELL TARGETS The Rev. Jerry Falwell recently outed Tinky Winky, from the television show, "Teletubbies", because, Falwell pronounced, "The character is clearly a fount of gayness. He is purple, the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people do." But Falwell's work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after... Fred Flintstone Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle-Toes Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma. Bugs Bunny Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway showtunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp. Velma (of Scooby Doo) Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy. Popeye Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy. Batman and Robin Evidence: Robin's nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman's real name is Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks." Peppermint Patty Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir. The Pink Panther Enough said. Exactly what color do smurfs turn when you choke them?

And you wonder why the government thinks the public is stupid? (...or, I wish this was only a joke...) These are actual hiker comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." "All the mile markers are missing this year." "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse." "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." "Need more signs to keep area pristine." "A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head." "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." "Too many rocks in the mountains." The Internet Explained (Unfortunately) 10 Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's: (Aargh! These aren't funny, they're true!) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

You try to enter your password on the microwave. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4. You e-mail your work colleagues to ask if they're ready to go to lunch. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from Europe, but you haven't spoken to your next-door neighbour yet this year. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

SPECIAL ALERT!! You need to make sure that your toilet paper is Y2K compliant. It has been discovered that if it is not, on Jan 1 it will roll back to 1900 and turn into a Sears Roebuck catalog. A priest, a rabbi and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine. The priest went first. He was asked by the executioner which way he wanted to face, and he said "I will look to the Heavens and to my God." He was laid down upon his back. Then the executioner dropped the blade, and it jammed just above the priest's throat, and according to law, he was released. Then it was the rabbi's turn, and he said he would also face upwards, because "I will look upward to my God." The same thing happened. He was laid down upon his back, the blade dropped, it jammed, the prisoner was released according to the law. Then it was the engineer's turn. When asked which way he wanted to face, he said it might as well be up since it seemed to work out well for the priest and the rabbi. As he was laid upon his back, he glanced up at the guillotine mechanism, and he said, pointing up, "I see what the problem is."

More Bad Puns (Are there ever any good ones?) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were destroyed in a fire. So we'll never know for whom the Tells' bowled. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doc! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of gulls ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On his way back he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. He was immediately arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products. Since they already made the cases for pocket watches, they decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!" An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin. The third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Even Older Jokes Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ... it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. RONALD REAGAN (2): What chicken? BILL CLINTON (1): I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define "chicken" please? BILL CLINTON (2): I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York. KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken in just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We are also investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.) DR. SUESS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Did he cross it with a fox? Did he cross it on a box? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, we've not been told! GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

In the Spirit of the Season One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel very cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A College Version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays danced in their heads. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor would free up their thinking. In my own apartment, I had been pacing, And dreading exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books, And all comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were muddy, My eyes went ablur, I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I'd nearly concluded That life was too cruel, With futures depending On grades had in school. When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow, As she started to bellow: "What kind of student Would make such a fuss, To toss back at teachers What they tossed at us?" "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams! On Last Year's Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!" Her message delivered, She vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing Outside in the night. "Your teachers have pegged you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a Good Test."

Life University A new two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real manas well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an Asshole When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important, too Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-Law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)

Holmes and Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

The Top 13 Changes Under a Government Run by Pro Wrestlers 13. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster. 12. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera. 11. IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema. 10. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute... 9. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school. 8. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women. 7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids 6. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house. 5. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair. 4. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal. 3. Strom Thurmond finally removed by The Undertaker. 2. Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial. 1. Before: Mr. Vice President After: Stone Cold Al Gore

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Euro-English The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English Spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows: In year 1, the soft 'c' would replaced by the 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%. In the 3d year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them. By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applied to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil have a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrirum vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

WORDS NOT YET IN THE DICTIONARY: CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

From the Wall St. Journal... Three engineers were riding in a car together, when it suddenly broke down. The electrical engineer said, "It's probably a bad spark plug." The mechanical engineer said, "No, it's a bad valve." The computer software engineer said, "I know! Let's all get out of the car, then get back in again!"

Rejected State Mottos: ALABAMA: Literacy Ain't Everything ARKANSAS: At Least We're not Oklahoma CALIFORNIA: Se Habla Ingles CONNECTICUT: New York City's OTHER Suburb FLORIDA: The Gunshine State IDAHO: Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis ILLINOIS: Gateway to Iowa INDIANA: Home of Dan Quayle KANSAS: Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a Vegetable MAINE: For Sale MARYLAND: We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It! MINNESOTA: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else NEW JERSEY: The Garbage State NEW MEXICO: Lizards Make Excellent Pets NEW YORK: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney ... NORTH CAROLINA: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names OHIO: Don't Judge us by Cleveland OREGON: Jerry Garcia was here! PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with Coal SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota TENNESSEE: The Educashun State TEXAS: Don't Mess with Texas-We're Armed UTAH: Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus VIRGINIA: We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It! WASHINGTON: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp WEST VIRGINIA: Incest is Best

Computer terms in Montana Log On: Making the wood stove hotter. Log Off: Don't add wood. Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove. Download: Getting the firewood off the pickup. Mega Hertz: When you're not careful downloading (watch the toes!) Floppy Disk: What you get from piling too much wood. RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work. Hard Drive: Getting home in mud season. Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season. Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below. Screen: What you need for black fly season. Byte: What black flies do. Chip: What to munch on. Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone. Infrared: Where the leftovers go when Fred's around. Modem: What you did to the hay fields. Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife. Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy. Keyboard: Where you hang your keys. Software: Plastic eating utensils. Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn. Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up. Port: Fancy wine. Enter: C'mon in! Random Access Memory: You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks.

38 politically correct ways to say someone is stupid (Swiped from the Car Talk web page) A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in artificial stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?

Producers of the new 'Sesame Street' in China says it's just like the American version, except it takes four episodes to finish the alphabet song. -Craig Kilborn, Comedy Central

REINCARNATION Wallace McRae "What does reincarnation mean?" A cowpoke ast his friend. His pal replied, "It happens when Yer life has reached its end. They comb yer hair, and warsh yer neck, And clean yer fingernails, And lay you in a padded box Away from life's travails. "The box and you goes in a hole, That's been dug into the ground. Reincarnation starts in when Yore planted 'neath a mound. Them clods melt down, just like yer box, And you who is inside. And then yore just beginnin' on Yer transformation ride. "In a while the grass'll grow Upon yer rendered mound. Till some day on yer moldered grave A lonely flower is found. And say a hoss should wander by And graze upon this flower That once wuz you, but now's become Yer vegetative bower. "The posey that the hoss done ate Up, with his other feed, Makes bone, and fat, and muscle Essential to the steed. But some is left that he can't use And so it passes through, And finally lays upon the ground, This thing, that once wuz you. "Then say, by chance, I wanders by And sees this upon the ground, And I ponders, and I wonders at, This object that I found. I thinks of reincarnation, Of life, and death, and such, And come away concludin': Slim, You ain't changed all that much."

IF If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics, Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat. Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a TicTac. When you're sad, the best place to be is in Grandma's lap.

INTERNET JOKES: You know it's the 90's when.... 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems. 5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 6. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 7. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com. 8. All of your friends have an @ in their names. 9. Your cat has its own home page. 10. You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. 11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 12. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 14. You tell the cab driver you live at

If Microsoft were Run by Rednecks 1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders. 2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle. 3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. 4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw". 5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos. 6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse. 7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" 8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky Heart". 9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt" 10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++". 11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag. 12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word. 13. Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers. 14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!". 15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz". 16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. 17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse. 18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver. 19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire. 20. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard. 21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator. 22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

Actual Signs On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day." In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission" On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you." At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?" In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here." On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one just left." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin." At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!" On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want." On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional." Click here for Actual Headlines from around the world.

The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

TITANIC vs. CLINTON TITANIC: Video $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON: Video $9.99 on Internet. TITANIC: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON: Over 3 hours long. TITANIC: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON: Villain: Ken Starr. TITANIC: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON: Bill is a B.S. artist. TITANIC: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON: Ditto for Monica TITANIC: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON: Let's not go there. TITANIC: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON: Monica's forced to return her gifts. TITANIC: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent. TITANIC: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON: Bill goes home to Hillary.

Really Old Jokes

"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." - Steve Martin in Sgt. Bilko (1996) "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost European Heaven and Hell If Europe were heaven, the French would be the cooks, the Germans would be the engineers, the Italians would be the lovers, the British would be the policemen, and the Swiss would be the bankers. If Europe were hell, the British would be the cooks, the French would be the engineers, the Italians would be the bankers, the Germans would be the policemen, and the Swiss would be the lovers.

The Pearly Gates 1.

A cattleman from Nevada, who was quite fond of his home state, finally died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was rocky and bare, with no greenery but sagebrush. He remarked to the gate keeper, "How do, Saint Peter. Say, I always thought Heaven would look just like Nevada!" The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"

2.

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband, and a teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of my students, our leaders of tomorrow." The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

3.

Three doctors arrived at the pearly gates. The first, a pediatrician, was warmly welcomed. The second, a cancer specialist, was similarly received. "What did you do?" St. Peter asked the third. "I worked for an HMO." St. Peter checked his book, and said, "Okay, you can come in but you have to leave after three days."

The Pizza Man The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true. FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.

HMO Questions And Answers Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away. Q. What are pre-existing conditions? A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're out is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Quotes One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations!" said the teacher, "You may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, one boy muttered, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." Is there a Perfect Joke?

USEFUL METRIC CONVERSIONS 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 2 wharves = 1 paradox

USE A PUN, GO TO JAIL. THAT'S THE LAW! How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psychopath. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroid's. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book? They all have phones. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with .. the other is used to carry groceries. A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin." Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board. He says, "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?" Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway. What's the different between a Jehovah's Witness and a Yugo? You can slam the door on a Jehovah's Witness.

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Pearls of Wisdom POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN Cops have nothing to go on. Schizophrenia beats being alone. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today. A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well. HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory The Meek shall inherit the earth ...after we're through with it. If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long. HAM AND EGGS A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE So keep on going. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. JESUS LOVES YOU It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. A closed mouth gathers no foot. The trouble with life is there's no background music. I was only looking at your nametag, honest! When blondes have more fun do they know it? Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. JESUS IS COMING! Look Busy. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake! Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane. Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do. MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Deep Thoughts from George Carlin 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Why are hemorrhoids called that instead of "assterhoids"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song? Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn plane made out of that stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working? (Editor's note: Why do they even need to advertise?) Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Too Cool An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man couldn't keep from staring at the youngster. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

The Creation: Who says physicists don't have a sense of humor? In the beginning there was the computer. And God said c:\Let there be light! Enter user id. c:\God Enter password. c:\Omniscient Password incorrect. Try again. c:\Omnipotent Password incorrect. Try again. c:\Righteous_Anger And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. c:\Let there be light! Unrecognizable command. Try again. c:\Create light Done c:\Run heaven and earth And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. c:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light Unrecognizable command. Try again. c:\Create firmament Done. c:\Run firmament And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. c:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and Too many characters in specification string. Try again. c:\Create dry_land Done. c:\Run firmament And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. c:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night Unspecified type. Try again. c:\Create sun_moon_stars Done c:\Run sun_moon_stars And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. c:\Create fish Done c:\Create fowl Done c:\Run fish, fowl And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. c:\Create cattle Done c:\Create creepy_things Done c:\Now let us make man in our image Unspecified type. Try again. c:\Create man Done c:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth Too many command operands. Try again. c:\Run multiplication Execution terminated. 6 errors. c:\Insert breath Done c:\Run multiplication Execution terminated. 5 errors. c:\Move man to Garden of Eden File Garden of Eden does not exist. c:\Create Garden.edn Done c:\Move man to Garden.edn Done c:\Run multiplication Execution terminated. 4 errors. c:\Copy woman from man Done c:\Run multiplication Execution terminated. 2 errors. c:\Create desire Done c:\Run multiplication And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\Create freewill Done c:\Run freewill And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\Undo desire Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. c:\Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. c:\Help Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. c:\Create tree_of_knowledge And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\Create good, evil Done c:\Activate evil And God saw he had created shame. Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. c:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman Search failed. c:\Delete shame Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. c:\Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. c:\Stop Unrecognizable command. Try again. c:\Break c:\Break c:\Break ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. c:\Create new world You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. c:\Destroy earth Destroy earth: Please confirm. c:\Destroy earth confirmed COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

Natural Selection Research A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest one that is killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. Much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. Knowledge only found through extensive research on university campuses like the University of Nevada, Reno. And now you know.

So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." 8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

The Panda A panda sauntered into a bar and grill where a piano player was plunking out blues standards on the piano. The panda walked up to the counter and told the manager "Give me a sandwich and a beer." Now, the manager had seen a lot of strange characters and knew it was important to keep his cool, so he just replied, "Sure enough, stranger." and slapped a ham sandwich and a cold frosty one in front of the bear. The panda, who must have been quite hungry and thirsty, gulped down the sandwich and washed it down with the beer on the spot. He then deftly pulled out a pistol, drew a bead on the piano player in the corner, and plugged him squarely between the eyes. The manager was dumfounded as he watched the bear return his gun to his pocket and walk out the front door. "Hey, you! What the heck is going on here?" shouted the manager as he ran out after the bear. The panda stopped and turned slowly in his tracks. "Well, what did you expect?" he said. "Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot the piano player. Good help is hard to find. Besides, you still owe me for lunch." "I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear before continuing on his way. The manager was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable sort, so he picked up his unabridged from the shelf, and flipped through it for the entry for "panda." "Darn." he muttered as he read the entry. He realized that there was not a thing he could do about. There it was, in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself: pan-da n. A large bear-like animal of the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. Eats shoots and leaves.

Cultural Differences Explained: Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English". Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English". Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

True Tales Of In-duh-viduals (These are stolen from a Dilbert newsletter. Hope they don't sue us.) 1. When the waiter came to take our order, I asked, "What is the soup du jour?" The waiter turned to me and responded very slowly and clearly, "It's the Soup...OF---THE---DAY." 2. My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while. After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was asleep timer set for 90 minutes! [Editor's tip: Next time you're visiting the home of Induhviduals, send them to the kitchen to get you a beer. (It usually takes two of them to handle the task.) While they're gone, set the sleep timer function on their TV to 30 minutes. Visit them again in a week and mention you're in the market for a low-cost television set.] 3. I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you moron?" 4. I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer and have been waiting for approval for over five weeks. I found out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer was unable to get verification of my employment. 5. A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down." The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor yelled "Don't touch it!" When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow, that is sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker. Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away. Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could verify how sharp it was. [Editor's note: The worst job in that company is the person who has to update the sign that says, "No accidents in ___ days."] 6. A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)." I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road. 7. A friend of mine was helping shingle a roof when the air-nailer he was using went off, driving a nail through the webbing between his thumb and pointer finger. Upon arriving at the emergency room, the receiving nurse took one look at my friend's hand and asked the following question: "Why didn't you just stop pounding?" [Editor's note: While I admit this appears to be an Induhvidual sighting, I suspect the nurse has had Induhvidual patients who don't notice they are nailing their own hands until they have trouble leaving for a smoke break.] 8. After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health & Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit! If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office. In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval." [Editor's note: I say it's time to have a fire drill and test the window option yourself.] 9. One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza AND a vegetable. The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away. [Editor's note: Young folks will be happy to know that people like the cafeteria lady have another name in the post-school world. They're called "your boss."] 10. We had a power outage during a thunderstorm. As we peered from our dark cubicles to the outside world, my director commented that it looked like power was out for miles, since the office buildings as far as we could see were also dark. Our temp admin said, and I quote: "But then why are the cars running?" 11. During a bout of tornadic weather, a local TV newsperson standing by a roadside at 5:20 p.m. made the statement that the sky was growing very dark, indicating that this was a sign of tornadoes approaching. Since it was January, it was also a sign that the sun was going down. 12. Today I received a series of e-mails outlining the fact that the jackets we received as a safety award were themselves safety hazards and were not to be worn inside the plant. [Editor: If I ever die in a freak factory accident, I want to be found wearing a safety award jacket. People would always remember me for that.] 13. I was in my company's gift shop when I overheard one of the employees ask her manager if she could take a break. "I just want to go smoke a cigarette and get some fresh air." It is worthy to note that she followed her comment with a nice, moist-sounding cough. I wonder if she'll ever complain that whenever she smokes outside, the air just doesn't seem that fresh? 14. I recently had a garage sale in which I was selling an old beater of a motorcycle that wasn't running, for $50. An Induhvidual negotiated me down to $30 and I made the sale. After getting the title notarized, I was making out the bill of sale when the Individual asks, "Can I get your phone number too, in case I have any problems with it?" 15. I am turning in my own mother: She used to think that the letters of the yogurt chain, TCBY, stood for Thank God It's Yogurt. 16. At work, a representative for an office supply store was telling us about their line of glare screens for computer monitors. We were planning to buy them for all the computers. About ten minutes into the presentation, one of our Induhviduals raised his hand and said, "I thought we were going to be getting ANTI-glare screens." I guess he was worried we would get the product that increases the glare on your screen.

There are even jokes available on the Chinese economy, though they lose a little something in translation, and the Chinese characters look strange on your screen if you don't have the software (don't worry, they translate it for you). Disorder in the Court From a little book called Disorder in the Court. They're things people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son-the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy? Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Amazing Things Learned from Children: There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 years olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded resturant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in Reno has at least a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion royalty sex mystery The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Shit Happens (in various world religions): Taoism Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Confucianism Confucius says "Shit happens." Confucius says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY." Buddhism If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time. Zen What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism I've seen this shit before. This is not a religion, it is a way of life. This shit happening IS you. Judaism Why does shit always happen to US? Islam If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take a hostage. We don't take shit. Zoroastrism Shit happens half the time. Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, mon. Sikhism Leave our shit alone. Shamanism Whoaa.... Holy Shit! Hare Krishna Shit happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it .... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Catholicism If shit happens, you deserve it. You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit. Charismatic Catholicism Shit is happening, because you deserved it, but we love you anyway. Calvinism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Lutheranism Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Anglicanism It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans. Jehovah's Witnesses No shit happens until Armageddon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens. Here, we insist you take our shit." Rosicrucianism What is AMORC shit? Mysticism This is really weird shit. Agnosticism It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether it's shit or not. How can we KNOW if shit happens? You can't prove any of this shit. New Age For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit. Scientology If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you. Freemasonry If shit happens hammer it off. Guruism Om -- Shit --om! Manichaeism Shit is the absence of light. Comparative Science of Religion Let's look what this shit is about, let's talk about it and try to understand the inner structure of this shit that happens everywere.

Your MAMA is so FAT.... She got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book When she hauls ass she has to make two trips. When she dances she makes the band skip. When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. Her ass has its own congressman. Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. When she goes to the zoo, the elephants throw her peanuts. Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph. Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side." The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks. All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Your Mama" When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. When I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall. She could sell shade. When she crosses the street, cars look out for her. People jog around her for exercise. I ran around her twice and got lost. She gets runs in her jeans. Her blood type is Ragu. When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate. If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it! She has to put her belt on with a boomerang. When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party. She can't even jump to a conclusion. She went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered THAT question." Taglines: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. 75. 76. 77. 78. 79. 80. 81. 82. 83. 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. 93. 94. 95. 96. 97. 98. 99. 100. 101. 102. 103. 104. 105. 106. 107. 108. 109. 110. 111. 112. 113. 114. 115. 116. 117. 118. 119. 120. 121. 122. 123. 124. 125. 126. 127. 128. 129. 130. 131. 132. 133. 134. 135. 136. 137. 138. 139. 140. 141. 142. 143. 144. 145. 146. 147. 148. 149. 150. 151. 152. 153. 154. 155. 156. 157. 158. 159. 160. 161. 162. 163. 164. 165. 166. 167. 168. 169. 170. 171. 172. 173. 174. 175. 176. 177. 178. 179. 180. 181. 182.

Golfers do it by the stroke. Cereal killer strikes again. Captain Crunch found dead! Every silver lining has a cloud. All life's answers are on TV. -Bart Simpson Committee: A group that keeps minutes and loses hours. Eat the rich--the poor are tough and stringy. WARNING--Drinking tap water may kill your thirst. Backup my hard drive? I can't find the Reverse Switch! I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell who can't. Status symbol: foam-rubber wind chimes. This tagline is umop apisdn. Corrupt REALITY.SYS -- Reboot Universe Open mouth, insert foot, echo internationally. Illiterate? Write for free help. OPERATOR ERROR-(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)hoot. Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible. Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep until noon! Difference between viruses and Windows? Viruses never fail. Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so. I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. The days of the digital watch are numbered. Forgive your enemies... but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES! Press -- to continue. Klingon Prime Directive: Shoot It! Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. Ferengi and the IRS... Tax collectors of the Universe! Contentsoftaglinemaysettleduringshipping. RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! Bobbit Virus: turns your hard drive into a 3.5 " floppy. Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song. My reality check just bounced. Windows Error #006: Illegal Error. Do not get this error! RAM - Rarely adequate memory. Let him who is stoned cast the first sin. If it walks out of your refrigerator, LET IT GO! Minnesota - Land of many cultures, Mostly Throat. A Klingon does not let a friend face danger alone. Worf I can resist everything except temptation. A man needs a good memory after he has lied. I tried snorting coke ... and almost DROWNED!! File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) "I think not", said Descartes and promptly disappeared. I'm not asking you to live in sin, only to visit awhile. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my drive? If dazzle 'brilliance', then set baffle =3D 'bullshit' If you can't tell a fib, make it a big lie! On this BBS, we recycle our bytes, bit by bit. Microsoft: Does that mean small & limp? Old musicians never die. They just decompose. Do I know how to copy disks? Where's the Xerox machine? It's 3am...Do you know where your stack pointer is? Computer programmers wanted..Soome assembly required. Stealth condom: She won't even feel it coming! Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up. My reality check just bounced. All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here. --T-A+G-L-I+N-E--+M-E-A+S-U-R+I-N-G+--G-A+U-G-E- If this were an actual tagline, it would be funny. Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted! It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a Press any key to continue or any other key to quit Hello, I am part number =B3=BA=DE=BA=B3=BA=B3=DB=B3=BA=DD=B3=BA=DD=B3=B3 This tagline stolen by Silly Little Mail Reader! I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it? We all live in a yellow subroutine. On a clear disk you can seek forever All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch! This tagline is umop apisdn hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? Bill of Rights: Void where prohibited by law. License plate frame: My other auto is an AR-15. A book worth banning is a book worth reading. Power corrupts. Absolute power, however, is kinda neat. Nothing is so simple that it can't be screwed up. Death takes its toll. Please have exact change ready. All stressed out, and no one to choke. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut. Puns are bad, but poetry is verse. A Dollar is the weight of silver. If you're not the lead dog, everything looks the same. Booze and math don't mix, but don't drink and derive. Honeymoon salad: Lettuce alone with no dressing. This is the tagline virus. Your computer is now infected. When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber. Shareware? It reminds me of a girl in high school. Psychic midget escaped from prison: Small medium at large. Dumb v2.0-The upgrade from stupid. SENILE.COM found...Out of memory Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery. Please hold, a service representative will annoy you shortly. Assimilate my shorts! -Borg Simpson Help! My hard drive crashed and I can't boot up! ...a mind is a terrible thing to use. Mathematicians don't do it, they prove it! Man with one chop stick go hungry. Unzip..expand.. What kind of pervert came up with this? If you don't think that women are explosive, drop one. Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any. If you light it, they will leave. Atheism: a non-prophet organization. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready. Can televangelists do more than lay people? To clone a felon, do I use the COPY.CON command? Dew knot trussed spell checquers two fined awl mist steaks. 89.6 % of all statistics are wrong. Reach out and offend someone. Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians!! Excited, Spock opens a box of pointy ear tips. A penny for your thoughts. $20 will act them out. A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing. If voting would change anything, Congress would outlaw it. A pothole in the Info Hiway - Belly of the Beast Her sweater was so tight that the men could hardly breathe. Adam to Eve "I'll wear the plants in this family." A bird in the hand leaves one with a dirty hand. Not tonight dear, I have a modem. Brain: the apparatus with which we think we can think. He was a wise man who invented God. - Plato Truth is stranger than fiction, fiction makes sense. Error finding COLD BEER. Sysop not loaded. My train of thought derailed. Math Problems? Call 1-800-10x(24+13)-(64-16)/2-36x2+99 I don't cheat. I play by the extended rules. Buried the cat. Took an hour. Damned thing kept fighting. I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it. I am immortal. Until I die there is no proof that I'm not. If it's not cruel and unusual, it's not punishment. Mobius strippers never show you their backside. And on the eighth day, God said "OK Murphy, you take over." Barfignugen: Car sickness in a volkswagen. The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. The pen is the tongue of the mind. ... and these firings will continue until morale improves. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. Bits make bites, but nibbles turn me on! Graduate of the Darth Vader School of Personnel Management. Dyslexics of the world, !ETINU Hand me that solar-powered flashlight. Confused? Call Lt. Cmdr. Troi at 1-900-NCC-1701 "Captain, I can sense a million minds staring at my cleavage." Please return stewardess to her original upright position. Ask me about my vow of silence. After-math [n], The period following algebra. "...sorry I missed you" he said, reloading. I don't have a solution but I really admire the problem. Support yout local medical examiner: die strangely. Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives? If you hear an onion ring, please answer it. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Man who says it cannot be done, should not interupt woman doing it. ...ebius tagline. This is a moebius tagline. This is a mo... Math is hard! The new talking Barbie with the pentium add-on chip. ALWAYS get your hamborger served on a saucer section. The light at the end of the tunnel could be a flame thrower. If it ain't broken, play with it until it is. Old immortals don't die, they just ... don't. How does Teflon stick to pans? Blessed are the pessimistic, for they hath made backups. If I throw a cat out the window, is it kitty litter? Govt.failure! Boot President, reformat Congress? (Y\n) Played poker with tarot cards. Got a flush. 5 people died. I tried to contain myself, but I escaped! Ancient ways: where the basics are. Knock softly but firmly: I like soft firm knockers. Do a random act of kindness today. Appreciate yourself. Cesarean Section (Def.): A historic district in Rome. Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. COFFEE.COM error: A)dd more,R)eheat F)reakout? "Piece of mind" is an inside job! I think therefore I am... dangerous. Freedom of Speech is limited by who hears you. I have a child's heart...in a jar on my desk. Schizophrenia: The human multitasking environment. No Scotty, I said beam me ABOARD, not A BROAD. Stealth means never having to say you're sorry. She won't last forever, so why give her a diamond? Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.

The Final There were four sophomores taking an economics course. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive out of town to party with some friends. They had a great time... however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to the university until Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone out of town for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about supply and demand. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room,"this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire? Actual Headlines - Was the editor asleep?

Odd Stories from the United Kingdom From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: "Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labeled For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.' From the Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.' From the Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."' From the Gloucester Citizen: 'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying "He got what he deserved."' From the Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained Mr. Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane." From the Derby Abbey Community News: We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce." From the Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name." From the Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket." An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment. After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51- year-old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police. Following a drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on. An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks. From the Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels." and finally............ An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.

From Ferris Bueller's Day Off (as students' eyes glaze over, and one drools on his notebook) Economics Teacher: In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone? ...the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered? ...raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something d-o-o economics: "Voodoo economics." Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming. Sven complained of the costs of fertilizer, and Oli asked why he didn't just use the nightsoil from his outhouse? Sven said, "Ya, well I used to, but I really hate shoveling it all out." Now, Oli was an old bachelor farmer who did things his own way, and he told Sven that he had a much easier way. Back in the war the army taught him all about munitions, and Oli argued that a properly set charge could lift up and distribute the nightsoil over Sven's few acres. Sven was intrigued. So one morning Oli came over to help Sven fertilize, and he carefully lowered sticks of dynamite through the outhouse hole. Oli set the fuse, and then they both ran to hide behind the truck. Just then, Sven's wife Olga came running out of the house, and before Sven could stop her she ran into the outhouse and slammed the door shut. Sven was running towards it when the charge blew, and the outhouse shot up into the air. Just like Oli said, a finely dispersed mist was raining down, and the outhouse slammed back down to earth, landing right back where it started. Sven yanked the door open, and said, "Olga! Are you alright?" Olga said, "Ya. But, hoo boy, I'm glad I didn't let that one go in the house!" Caveman Tech Support The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate: This fire help. Me Groog Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work. You have flint and stone? Ugh You hit them together? Ugh What happen? Fire not work (sigh) Make spark? No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday. (sigh) You change rock? I change nothing You sure? Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire. (Groog grabs a club and goes to Lorto's cave) WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

And you wonder why we had a revolution? The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown Quotable Quotes: 1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie 2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1) fighting; 2) fleeing; 3) feeding; and 4) mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course 4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." 6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm 7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw. 9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Economics degree asks, "Is the economy producing the efficient quantity?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry 11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown 12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James 13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum 14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain 15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate 16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry 17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland) 18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. 19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- over one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast 21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips 22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones 24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See 25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney 26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp 27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary 28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python 29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin 30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. 31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy 32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant 33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant 34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. 35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way. 37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? a. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. b. Advising the President. c. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman 38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." 39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson 40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley 41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating" 42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967 43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance 44. Animated Cartoon Theology: 1. People are animals. 2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain. 3. Life is antagonistic to the living. 4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music. 5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning. 6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum. 7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us. -- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel" 45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain 46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? 47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." 48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik 49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides." 50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac 51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch 53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz] 54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali 55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud 56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson 57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain 58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN... You consider McDonald's "real food." You actually like doing laundry at home. 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends. It starts getting late on the weeknights. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it. You'd rather clean than study. "Oh fuck how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night. Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal. Computer Solitaire is more than a game. It's a way of life. You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps. You know the pizza boy by name. You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark. You live for getting mail (E-mail included). Looking out the window is a form of entertainment. Prank phone calls become funny again. It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on. World War III could take place and you'd be clueless. You start thinking and sounding like your roommate. Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth. Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime. You find out milk crates had so many uses. Wal-mart is the coolest store. The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night). You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been in college too long.

Strange Facts

Little Known Facts for Your Amusement The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; 7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. American car horns beep in the tone of F. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA." Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

Average price of a gallon of premium unleaded gas in: United States: $1.71 Great Britain: $4.67 France: $3.94 Germany: $3.63 Italy: over $4 per gallon

Facts about Americans (Who does this research???) Only 30% of them can flare their nostrils. 21% of them don't make their bed daily. 5% of them never do. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs). The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. 3 out of 4 of them store their dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. 13% of them admit to occasionally doing their offspring's homework. 91% of them lie regularly. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. 90% believe in divine retribution. 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. 82% believe in an afterlife. 45% believe in ghosts. 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. 29% of them are virgins when we marry. 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. 10% of them switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. Over 50% believe in spanking - but only for a child over 2 years old. 35% give to charity at least once a month. How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder. 69% eat the cake before the frosting. When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. 85% of them will eat Spam this year. 70% of them drink orange juice daily. Snickers is the most popular candy. 22% of them skip lunch daily. 9% of them skip breakfast daily. 66% of them eat cereal regularly. 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. 14% of them eat the watermelon seeds. Only 13% brush their teeth from side to side. 45% use mouthwash every day. 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. The typical shower is 101 degrees F. Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair. 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. 58% of women paint their nails regularly. 62% of them pop their zits. 33% of women lie about their weight. 10% of them claim to have seen a ghost. 57% have had deja vu. 49% believe in ESP. 4 out of 5 of them have suffered from hemorrhoids 44% have broken a bone. Only 30% of them know their cholesterol level. 14% have attended a self-help meeting. 15% regularly go to a shrink. 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. 30% of them refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. 54.2% of them always wash their hands after using the toilet. 23.5% admit they don't always flush. 45.2% pee in the shower. 44.9% pee in the ocean. 28.1% pee in the pool. 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're using the toilet. 39% of them peek in their host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host. 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. 29% of them ignore RSVP. 71.6% of them eavesdrop. 22% are functionally illiterate. Less than 10% are trilingual. 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. 2 out of 3 of them wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million bucks. 20% of them have played in a band at one time in their life. 40% of them have had music lessons. 44% reuse tinfoil. 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. 53% read their horoscopes regularly. 16% of them have forgotten their own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

The Darwin Awards: For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. This website now has past winners dating back to 1992.

Life in the 1500s - Yeah, right! According to Snopes.com, this has been a widely-proliferating internet hoax, and the strange fact is, somebody actually made all this up! For apparently more truthful answers, see their website. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the odor. Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big four poster beds with canopies. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would getslippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold." They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for nearly a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes ... for 400 years. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."

More Strange and Useless Facts Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. Mark Twain was born on the night Haley's comet passed the Earth, and died the night it passed the Earth. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. It was developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts-Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6. Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. Rene Descartes came up with the theory of coordinate geometry by looking at a fly walk across a tiled ceiling. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. Ballroom dancing is a major at Brigham Young University. Some biblical scholars believe that Aramaic (the language of the ancient Bible) did not contain an easy way to say "many things" and used a term which has come down to us as 40. This means that when the bible -- in many places -- refers to "40 days," they meant many days. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The original story from Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy." The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Captain Jean-Luc Picard's fish was named Livingston. The 'y' in signs reading "ye olde.." is properly pronounced with a 'th' sound, not 'y'. The "th" sound does not exist in Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England used the rune "thorn" to represent "th" sounds. With the advent of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet which closest resembled thorn was the lower case "y". The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. The little bags of netting for gas lanterns (called 'mantles') are radioactive -- so much so that they will set of an alarm at a nuclear reactor. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. Each unit on the Richter Scale is equivalent to a power factor of about 32. So a 6 is 32 times more powerful than a 5! Though it goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point of total tectonic destruction (2 is the smallest that can be felt unaided.) Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator. It was the left shoe that Aschenputtel (Cinderella) lost at the stairway, when the prince tried to follow her. Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize this was the day of the changeover. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice." In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam." Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson." Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty," but he did say, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott". Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life". The flag of the Philippines is the only national flag that is flown differently during times of peace or war. A portion of the flag is blue, while the other is red. The blue portion is flown on top in time of peace and the red portion is flown in war time. Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute. The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled around him. Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk. If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation. Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike. The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified is to poke someone's eye out. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of England. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living. The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. Steve Young, the San Francisco 49ers quarterback, is the great-great-grandson of Mormon leader Brigham Young. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. Coca-cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever; Dumbest - afghan The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. Chances that am American lives within 50 miles of where he or she grew up: 1 in 2 Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000 City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4 Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12 Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28 Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38 Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44 Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33 Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7 Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36 Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43 City with the highest per capita viewership of television evangelists: Washington DC Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80 Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50 Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58 Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85 Number of different familial relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105 Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70 Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3 Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3 Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7 Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90 Percentage of mammal species that are: 3 Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50 Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5 Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3 Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanan Only First Lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage Only President awarded a patent: Abraham Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals Only food that does not spoil: honey Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees. Polar bears are left-handed. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Eskimos never gamble. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The youngest pope was 11 years old. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Your nose and ears never stop growing. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515. They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better. Cream does not weigh as much as milk. Starfish have eight eyes -- one at the end of each leg. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation. First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. Men get hiccups more often than woman. Armadillos can be housebroken. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of fuel that it burns. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl. The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores (Ring around the Rosey...). These sores would smell very bad so people would hide flowers on their bodies in an attempt to mask the smell ("pocket full of posies..."). People who died from the plague would be burned to reduce the spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down"). Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month? A: Conception. Q: What separates "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show? A: No theme song. Q: What is the most popular name that boat owners name their boats? A: Obsession. Q: If you were to spell out consecutive numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "a"? A: One thousand. Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A: All invented by women.

The Paradox of Our Time By George Carlin The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Want to read the funny papers? This site has all your favorite cartoons, along with your least favorite ones. And there's also the Centre for the Easily Amused... If you have a funny joke that you would like to share, send it to me (Elliott Parker) by e-mail.

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