Featured Answers - Do You 10Q? [PDF]

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2017 Q01 Q03 Q05 Q07 Q09

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My dad died. Nothing has been as earthshaking. It has shaped my days and actions and friendships. It impacts how I walk in the world. I am grateful to have forged a good relationship and I miss him. I also have experienced more anger than ever before. While it made me feel like my marriage was perhaps on the rocks, I think it has actually made is stronger. We are in for more transition soon.

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Wow - there have been so many! On a personal note, we bought a house and moved out of the city to a new neighborhood. We love our new home, though still have lots of exploring to do in the area. It's a good thing we have more space now too, because we also have another baby on the way! I'm incredibly grateful for all of these blessings. Professionally, I'm in the process of starting a company (!!!) and have decided that I'll be leaving my current district. I feel good about the decision, though the future feels very uncertain. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

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Public Answers

Q01 Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you? Are you grateful? Relieved? Resentful? Inspired?

2016 Q01 Q03 Q05 Q07 Q09

The Questions

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(Note: These are all short because I'm doing it super last minute.) Significant experience: Started dating Peter *and* lost my virginity. The latter is sort of a relief, it anti-climactic. The former's been interesting and good. Lots of challenges (anxieties, ho!) but so much warmth and love and cuteness in my life. Can't complain too much about that. :)

2014 Q01 Q03 Q05 Q07 Q09

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My son graduated from college. Grateful he is so well launched, big heart, finding his way, still family oriented yet independent... love him so. Feel: a bit lost with both kids off, new paths for all of us. I feel some sentimentality, sadness, pride, joy, tinge of surprising sadness. Woo hoo!! One thing that has really caught me off guard this year is my granddad being diagnosed with cancer. When I got the call from him it stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't know how to react or what it would mean. It has shown me to savor every moment I can with him and how important my family is. It really shows that were all vulnerable and that I should make the most out of all the time I can get with him as well as Abu and Grandma Bella. I'm more scared because I don't want to lose him because I've been close with him over the years and I hope he's still around for many years to come.

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Graduated my masters program. I feel grateful I did it, relieved it was over, resentful that it did not go to the depths of knowledge about my field as I had hoped, inspired to be the person to take the next steps. I am inspired to be a pioneer in the field in some capacity. I have found people in which I seek mentorship and project opportunities. This type of networking and experience are invaluable. Going to the National Transgender Health Summit in Oakland with a full scholarship certainly opened my eyes further to the work being done domestically, that I recognized that these are my colleagues who will guide me further. I am grateful to those who provided me with this experience and I am happy to know that others are prepared to have me make waves. I am looking forward to being challenged by complex questions rather than being challenged by intentional ignorance. I hope that the bitterness I grew into during grad school could eventually dissipate and grow into an informed experience. I want to remove the emotional experience and use it to fuel my work.

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2011 Q01 Q03 Q05 Q07 Q09

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After more than a year of working in a temporary casual position, I was promoted to a full-time benefited position in a management role. The new responsibilities, and the new relationship with co-workers, have both stretched me to grow and stressed me out. I'm really grateful for this opportunity, and proud of the ways in which I've risen to the many and varied challenges in my new (-ish) job.

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I got married! It was beautiful and just as we had hoped--a full weekend surrounded by all our closest friends and family. We wrote our own vows and spoke honestly to each other. Each of our parents spoke in the ceremony and it was all filled with meaning. It reminded me of the strength of my community and how lucky I am to have such an amazing partner, especially in this year when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I've had to face one of the hardest things in my life, so far.

2009 Q01 Q03 Q05 Q07 Q09

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Bought a house in Brooklyn...crazy! I cried on the way to the closing I was so scared. I hope it doesn't become one of the worst decisions I ever made. I am supposed to feel grateful but I feel guilty.

2008 Q01 Q03 Q05 Q07 Q09

I finally broke all ties with S...it took most of the year. I dumped her on Jan 3 after she got loaded and ruined New Year's Eve for all of us. It then took until the first weekend in October to get all her stuff and her cats out of my house (as of 9 pm PST 9/30 they're still here). I am finally left in a state of peace, and the bliss of starting over and building a whole new life. I wish her well, but I will never put up with shit like this again. No more addicts, no more smokers, no more partners that don't value me as much as I value them.

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Featured Answers

We put our parents in the ground on October 30, 2014. It was a golden autumn day. The protestant chapel at Arlington National Cemetery was comfortably full. Miranda and I sang a duet arrangement of the American folk hymn "How Can I Keep from Singing?" As I sang, I surveyed the faces of my parents' people: Rusty (looking stricken), George Beckman (smiling generously), Susan Edwards, Anne Cochran, Kim, Sasha and Emily sitting proudly by Carly, Larry, Martin Goldsmith and Amy Roach, Kathi Peterkin, Max Oppenheimer, Aunt Muriel. Facing the entrance to the chapel as we sang the final stanza (Miranda's voice soaring above mine), I could see through the open chapel doors the young enlisted men moving stiffly in golden sunshine, performing ceremonial maneuvers with my parents' urns. The sight of the strong young men in sailor uniforms, marching and turning with the urns, expressions solemnly blank, caused my throat to convulse. But the song, at full momentum, carried me through. Then Kim read "Crossing the Bar" by Tennyson. Rusty, surprisingly, read the complicated "Love Calls Us to the Things of This World, by Richard Wilbur. Max played Ashokan Farewell on his viola, his face suffused with emotion. Somehow, we ended up at the graveside, overlooking the Pentagon, and it's 911 memorial. More ceremonial maneuvers, this time with guns. The trappings of war all around. The absurdity of my parents' small remains, already locked in sealed maple urns, being further sealed inside concrete sarcophagi, deep in the ground. My 85-year-old aunt sitting mildly by. How we must accept the silencing of our living memories. I was grateful for the gathering, for the ceremony, for the party afterwards (I so enjoyed talking to Anne Cochran, Kathi), for my glowing sister, wearing Daddy's flight suit at the party. I was relieved that their suffering, the nervous travel, the worry and travail of their declines, was over. Inspired that something as simple as singing a song in someone's honor can make one feel like a good, wise person who has done the very perfect thing. David and Sydnie meeting. It was cool to see them get along and merging my worlds. Was so happy they liked each other. I also loved how sweet and generous he was with them My elderly brother has a cognitive disability and lives far from me in a group home. Due to his health and both our finances he can no longer travel to see me. As he has gotten older, and his friends in the house have gotten dementia or cancer, my brothers life has gotten so small! I've tried a lot of things to give him a full life from a distance, and recently arrranged for him to join a church. It turns out that a woman who was like a cousin to us growing up is a stalwart member of that church - and now my brother has a new community, and re-established ties to our past. I am so grateful that these "cousins" have appeared to help my elderly brother remain social, active, and spiritually involved in life beyond his group home. I tear up every time I think of it. I was fired from a job after three months. Although it was painful, humiliating, and financially scary, it turned out to be incredibly lucky! The job I was fired from was not a good fit for me, and I did not enjoy it. The job I had left to take it was a good job for me but not great working conditions. Having left the first job for the second taught me that I really loved the first -- and showed the employers at the first that it would benefit them to keep me happy. They ended up making me a great offer. I'm back at the old place in an expanded role that suits me to a T. I am so grateful! Well, I have a lot of significant experiences. Being unemployed. It was horrible. Draining. Deadening. Life-numbing. Moving. It was stressful but really a good move. I'm so much happier in the NY area, able to do more, see more, move more. Project Makom. It has been amazing. I get to really make a difference in people's lives, and I meet wonderful people too. Solves some of my social problems too. The past year has been full of changes. I've tried to adjust to Shane's death, somewhat unsuccessfully as I still seem to feel lost without him. Everyone seems to be worried about me, and I guess I include myself in that group. I really thought I'd feel better by now, but it seems it will be a longer process than I thought. several things have kept me from wallowing in my sorrow more. The birth of Layla has brought joy to our family. She is the best baby - so good-natured, inquisitive, determined, full of life - a blueeyed, blonde tonic. I look forward to witnessing all the things she learns and does, and I hope she will rekindle my sense of fun and childlike wonder about life. I began teaching at the local community college, and that has been a positive experience - a way to bring some structure to my life, meet new people in a new environment, and share my knowledge and experience. I took the step to make some changes to our house which will make it easier and more enjoyable to live here. Making decisions and making financial commitments by myself has seemed daunting at times, but I hope it will be worth it. Finally, I have been so blessed by my family during this past year. They have loved and supported me practically and emotionally, and I am very grateful for them. Losing my job--I hate it still, hate what I think about myself. It's still a sense of being untethered but I feel like I can see more clearly now--what it means to not share parts of myself, the gratitude for the people who come close and show love in deeply intimate ways. I was bitten by a brown recluse spider, could barely walk for two weeks due to excruciating pain, had disturbed sleep for three in that I was awakened by cutaneous pain if anything touched the area, and swelling and throbbing for more than four weeks. I was reminded of the relatively narrow parameters of my physical stability (with many chronic M/S issues due to injuries, surgery and genetics), became severely depressed and fatalistic. But in the end, I recovered, survived and was reminded of my resilience. This year, I've started to get more involved in shul. At times it is stressful and I feel like I don't have much to contribute, but then I realize that I do have ideas and they are valuable. I also think I found my own personal mitzvah that means something really special for me-blood donation. I am really excited about it and feel fulfilled. My mother's life came to have a more definite end, not now, but soon. Her doc says a year. Who knows? I am sad and also hopeful: for her passing to be what she wants it to be, and for me to be my best self throughout this time. My husband telling me he was contemplating suicide. It felt like my life was over that night. I thought I'd never get my best friend back. It has made me moremore aware of the pain and struggles he's been through. I was amazed with my own strength and perseverance in order to help him and hold our family together while he was hospitalized for over a month. It has left me questioning God. Because while I am lucky to still have my husband, I know others are not. And I question a God that chooses to take away good people. I froze 26 eggs (combined total from two separate rounds) to open up more options for having biological children in the future. It was time and energy-consuming, and more painful than I expected. I am very relieved that it is over, although I am still recovering physically. I am very sad that I haven't found a partner yet to have children with. And I am extremely grateful that my parents were able to pay for it, since I could not (and insurance will not). I am also very grateful for the support of friends who did it before me, friends who are doing it now, and for friends who have gone through IVF and were supportive and helpful with practical advice during it. I am nervous that I will never find a partner and be able to use them, and also nervous that if I don't find a partner, I won't have the wherewithal (financial, emotional, energy) to have children on my own using either the eggs or adoption. The decision really concretized for me--in a very physical way--how my life has not at all turned out the way that I had hoped it would (so far) in terms of having a partner and children and financial stability. My 10-year-old so entered puberty and boy! was he confused. He started getting angry at the drop of a hat, then he'd apologize profusely. Or he'd snarl something about "Don't touch me. Don't even talk to me." and the next thing I knew he'd be stuck to me like glue. Naturally, this was confusing for me, too. Then his grades starting taking a dive -- he went from fairly steady B's, with the occasional A, to C's and then D's and finally F's. Unable to get him to listen to me long enough to help him recover, I enrolled him in outside tutoring, which did help, although he ended the year with barely passing marks. We were both grateful when summer came and the pressure was off. Now he's started back to school -- sixth grade -- and he's declared his intention to do much better this year. Fingers crossed! I was laid off from my job. It was so strange to experience this. It made me more appreciative of being employed and less apt to leave a good job for something that appears to be better. Poopy died. Life will never be the same. I'm relieved he is no longer puking. My neurological illness and surgery were very significant. It was my first experience of really acute illness. I also thought I was going to die. I'm relieved I'm not in such a huge amount of pain and I'm relieved it's over. I think it has made me more introverted. It was such a personal experience. Not lonely exactly just private and quiet. I think I still don't know the full implications of it. Probably the most formative thing I experienced in the past year was breaking up with Jess, for real. I couldn't see my life without her, but it was definitely what I most needed. I loved her as much as I could this past year, and I also came rudely face to face with the limitations of my capacity to love. I've really learned in my bones this year the importance of being settled in your own body, your own bones, your own skin, before you can love another person with any level of depth or generosity. I'm learning sweet responsibility for myself as a result of all of it and I'm so grateful. In March I plucked up the courage to go on my first ever Vision Quest. This is something I've been drawn to do for a number of years, ever since I found out that there were such things. But for many years before that I've felt drawn to wild, unpopulated spaces in nature, where I could get away from my human world and be with nature. I was very nervous about this, mainly because in March in the Welsh mountains it can be very cold and I was worried about my ability to cope without becoming ill or giving up. So I decided to take the plunge and then went and bought a lot of (expensive) really good equipment. It turned out to be an excellent decision as the weather was appalling - gale force winds and loads of rain the whole time. Out of 7 questers, only 2 of us managed without giving up. It was a 48 hour immersion in nature, alone, while fasting and meditating, in the shamanic tradition. We undertook a day's preparation, which really really helped, and some of the shamanic work we did beforehand really comforted me in tricky moments. I was expecting the experience to be really tough, and scary and to bring out some grief that is within me at present. I was fully prepared to spend the entire 2 days crying and sobbing and wailing. But it didn't happen. As soon as we got there, and got settled, a tremendous feeling of calm came over me. There was absolutely no fear, throughout the experience, even when the wind was buffeting the tent so much the sides were slapping into me where I lay inside. I felt very relaxed, and kind of free. I felt joyful and at peace. I slept a lot, and sang and danced (when the rain stopped), and walked around within my circle and looked around and meditated, and communed. I asked myself where the grief was, and realised 'It is there, and it will come when it needs to'. I asked myself what I should be doing, and realised 'Just be'. I realised that there is more to me than my grief. It was a liberating and transforming experience, and I was very surprised by how easy it was for me. I can't wait to do it again. In the past year so many things that have happened! I got made official venue manager of Oxted. Since then I have definitely become more invested in the place and we have come leaps and bounds with the way we run things and how well the team works together. Also I went on an amazing holiday with my friends to Barcelona. It seems so long ago now but definitely a highlight of my year and something that has made my friendship bonds with that group a lot tighter. We are in talks of another one next year to rome which should be amazing! Realisation that I should seriously consider working less hours and that there are potentially life changing constructive possibilities around this concept my show - which came out well! my engagement, which is very sweet. buying an apartment. traveling to south america twice. it's been grounding. The granddaughter I wished for last year is here, healthy and beautiful, and my son completed his doctorate. What a year! The most significant experience has been changing my career path. Stepping out of academia to do community science and advocacy work has been a huge transition, and I think it's been really good for me. I have gotten out of the mindset that academics are smarter or work harder than others. I actively enjoy doing my work (even though I don't think I do it well yet), and I really enjoy the people I work with. I think it has made me a more approachable person, and doing something more unique than straightup academic research. I like that it is mission-driven. I'm inspired by my coworkers, both by their intelligence and their passion. I miss some aspects of being a new knowledge producer, but mostly I think this was the right move for me. The day I reached out to people and some shut me out, sometimes with a smile and the promise to see me when I was not in need of friendship. How did I feel? Sad. Disappointed. But I also realized I had a clearer idea of what healthy relationships look and feel like and that I could build those with people who were willing to create those connections. Over 1 year has passed since my father died when we laid him to rest in a beautiful, small cemetery in Northern California in the town he loved and lived in for nearly half his life. The headstone was not in place until this summer. I stopped by on my own after July 4th to place flowers in his grave and then I paused and really cried. I sobbed. I cried for my mother who is suffering from dementia and would have wanted to be there with me. I cried for how much I miss him and how much I loved his gentle kindness and appreciation for life's simple pleasures and beauty. His death was not tragic. He had a good life and I know he is in a good place now too. He lies in a beautiful location near tall trees and sweeping views of an Oak and Redwood covered mountainside. The weather was warm with clear skies, no wind, and low humidity. It was a typical perfect summer day with everything feeling alive and healthy. The feeling of getting on with life’s challenges and opportunities never felt more immediate than at that moment when I wiped away my tears and started to drive back to L.A. I got a new job at Prologis heading the UX Department ...rather more a 'UX team', with Shawn and I, than a 'department'. I'm challenged by the task to bring coherence to Prologis' internal tools and apps. I'm the only UXer they've ever seen and no one has any idea what I do. But think of the improvements I can bring just by turning my attention to good user experience! Just asking questions can help the business think about things in a more modern and helpful way. My father passed away last year, after a short illness, while I wasnt especially close to him, the conversations we had were very important, skirting around issues, but still important. I am grateful for that, and inspired. I was sad when he passed, but also relieved. We moved to NY. I am grateful. I feel happier and more inspired, more hopeful too. It's been stressful, but moving is always hard even if it's for the best reasons. Change is like new shoes. You love them, but they hurt at little at first. We won a project I really wanted. It was a huge relief. It offered some assurance that I'm capable of that since we had not had success for the first 10 months. It will also allow me to test my capacity to lead good work which is harder it seems. the past year still was a year of transition. I started working at the Hermitage & DNK, which was a nice reboot into the working world. Along the year a few opportunities came along and did not materialize until August 2015. I think I now have an awesome job and can tick two boxes on my to do list... Only the boyfriend is on my to do list! I have a feeling that I am now healed and ready to commit to a nice relation! Changing jobs was one of the hardest things I've faced in a long time. I know now that I'm prone to forgetting the profound discomfort I feel when I don't know everything... THAT feeling is temporary, and passes (and passes more quickly, I suspect, when adequate training is available). The feeling of discomfort related to operating in a large organization, I suspect, is more lasting. And angst at feeling misaligned both in terms of my values and my gifts is perpetual. But I feel grateful to have the opportunity to learn this and - when the time is right - move on to a more natural fit. I got married! I'm sure I am one of hundreds pointing to that moment as particularly significant in their lives, and without having experienced it myself, I would have just rolled my eyes. How unoriginal. That whole experience really is magical, though. Even though I hated planning the wedding, as soon as my first family members arrived in Portland, there wasn't a trace of doubt whether or not it was worth it. I was on cloud 9 the entire weekend, and I wouldn't have changed any of it. A client of mine, who I had treats every two weeks for 5 years was inappropriate with me and then after I respectfully told him I could no longer treat him, he attacked me via email and accused me of bringing "such unprecedented behavior out in him". He then called, and mailed a card apologizing. A few months after that he wanted to apologize in person. I had no contact with him during any of this time. 5 months after the initial incident he made a compliant to the state division of licensure. I was horrified, angry, hurt, and really spent the better part of this year grappling with all of these feelings, how someone who I thought I knew could create such lies about me or have such delusions about what was happening. It's been a real struggle to not have hate in my heart. The state recently dismissed the case, which was an enormous relief, but it's still been an emotional roller coaster and sruffle to not be hateful towards this man. We are currently going through this significant experience in our move to California. I'm in the middle of feeling many things: grateful/thankful for Justin's great job opp, a small sense of relief that we'll have a "permanent" home base. I also feel my share of negative emotions: fear - I'm scared of losing our friends here and hanging out w/them all the time (especially as I started to understand [[being social]]; I'm scared of being close to my family (the are in a low point of growth, on the spectrum); I'm scared of the drought, how expensive it is, the immense traffic (and traffic accidents), the general overcrowding, the lack of sense of community, not being able to walk anywhere.... things that I took for granted here a bit. The other significant experience that happened in the past year was ... The most significant experience which has happened to me in the past year is my wedding. I married the women I love and with which I've been in a relationship for 6 years. That day and almost all the other days of these 6 years, I've been feeling grateful. And if I haven't been feeling grateful, I definitely should have. The day of our wedding itself was perfect and we shared our happiness and joy with our friends and families. I have made the decision to retire. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I made the decision because I wasn't happy with my dean; my dean has resigned, and now I'm wondering if I did the right thing or not. Became single There has been no more significant event in the last year than Grandma's passing. but i'm a talk abotu that in #3...and i don't want all of these answers to be down. So i'm going to talk about my trip to death valley in the spring. Last Dec i bought a KLR to replace the dying uglyhawk. It was one of the pest purchases of my life. Shortly after picking it up i heard about the ADV rider n00b rally in Death Valley. I thought it would be a good way to break in my bike and get my feet wet wrt off-roading but it was so much more. IT was a solo adventure, time by myself, a departure from my usual life...an undertaking on my own, not following or hiding behind anyone one else... it reminded me what it is to be alive, that i have agency and to exercise it, that theirs so much world out there to explore, and how much i love the desert! This year there were quite a few experiences that I consider to be significant. My partner has been taking new cancer meds for the past six months and even though I have gotten used to the situation, it still has been hard. On our summer holiday to Rhodes, I made the decision and realized that being a lawyer and studying law is not my passion and it does not make me happy. Admitting this to myself and realizing that I actually need to leave my job has been one of the best and most difficult realizations that I am still trying to comprehend. I got married. I am grateful and happy. Much of my time this year has been invested in the search for love. That has been uniformly disappointing and demoralizing. I have struggled with my emotions, so much so that I started taking anti-depressants early this year. My feelings about that are extremely conflicted. On the one hand, the anti-depressants have undeniably leveled out my emotional roller coaster. But they have also left me feeling largely ambivalent. And on top, I feel like a failure for having to resort to medication. As I answer these questions, I am in an emotional rough patch. I answer this question about a month after my (failed) experience with Edward that left me feeling embarrassed and battered. I am now struggling to come to terms with my growing belief that I will live the rest of my life alone. As a sign of my resignation (and commitment to it), I stopped taking my anti-viral meds I made progress. I got better at everything I set my mind to. For the first time in what seems like forever I racked up the wins. It made me realize what it truly takes to be successful. Persistence (Never Quit).Adaptability (any means necessary). Consistency(habit). It left me bewildered and somehow more scared than ever because I know for a fact now that I can do anything. If I don't do it it's all on me. Not on events or genetic flaws or a shitty childhood. I'm fucking terrified. I have to face my fear. Courage is a habit. Bought a house. It was a big step for me in terms of taking a big financial risk and making a long term commitment. It was also a great lesson for my wife and I in learning about real estate. Everett was born. I gave birth to my son. All on my own. I waited for my body to go into labor. I worked SO hard to labor. I trusted my body and the choices that I had made to carry him and labor him. I trusted my body to do it. I cried and yelled and screamed. And then I pushed him out. I will be forever grateful for the chance to give life to my child. The entire experience has changed my perspective and my life so so much. I've been having trouble answering these questions the last few years. I think I am too busy and stressed to stop and think about my life the way i used to. Especially the question about spiritual experiences. I need to work to get that back. This year, the other girls of the group have been making an obvious effort to get to know me and include me. It feels nice and I really like (most) of them. This past year I joined a gym, something I have been reluctant to do because it does not seem to be in my nature to 'stick' to things. I joined in November and am STILL working out! Almost a year later! This has amazed me!! I also changed my food choices and have lost 40 pounds. Being able to choose to do this and to actually follow through made me question my own opinion of myself...have I been wrong all these years in feeling like I can't stick to things? apart from my husband who is a beautiful soul....Meeting a couple of wonderful friends this year that could not do enough for you. they are hard to come by. I transitioned in the last year. Discovering this about myself was amazing, and it has completely changed my life for the better. I am so grateful that I am able to do this and am in a safe place to do it in. I made partner at the firm this year. While I feel pride and excitement, I'm also anxious about how I have been and will be perceived, because I made partner over some other deserving people, many of them older than me. I also feel a sense of relief, and despite everyone telling me to enjoy the moment, I'm ready to get back to work. The popes visit inspiring Trouble w the uncles... Saddened The way my little family is gelling. The love and work and frienship... Inspiring I have had the same job, (at least employment by the same company) for a solid 3+ years at this point. II got my CISSP certification after putting it off for 7 months and then literally a week of studying a little bit, and I walked out with the certificate. I even took my sweet ass time on getting prior work history and still got my endorsement ... It tells me that hard work is not relevant to success...Then again it could be correlation vs causation. Promoted at work to VP. Am I grateful? Of course. Am I relieved? No, because that assumes I'm done and I'm not. Resentful? No. It could've happened sooner and under better circumstances, sure. But that's a minor blip. Inspired? Not necessarily. Its a good challenge, but I need an endgame to work towards and right now I don't necessarily have a clear one. A year ago I dealt with some major heartache surrounding Amanda. Last September I knew that I'd have to let her go, even though it killed me and I thought I'd never get over her. It took a long time, and while I'm still not over her completely, I've definitely moved on. It was a really difficult experience to go through, but I'm glad now that it turned out how it did and I think I grew a lot from it. My beloved older sister returned to PV, Mexico; my beloved younger sister transitioned from a manic hospitalization the end of 2014 to the family 8-plex; mama sold younger sister's house; younger sister's schizophrenic rescue, beloved Anna, moved to the 8-plex as well. One of our dear homeless friends is in county jail on charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, which he steadfastly maintains is false. I continued my now two year long absence from the slew of volunteer projects, which had at one time engaged me. I continue my meditation practice and have completed the online 7-week Power of Awareness course with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield and am wrapping up the year-long online course, Foundations of Wellbeing, with Rick Hanson. I continue my Co-counseling work at least weekly. I feel a bit anhedonic, and recognize my life is quite circumscribed by work, care giving, and little energy for much else. My younger son left for Los Angeles at just about this time last year, seeking fortune and fame in the entertainment business. He has now been out there for a year, and although he has had some short term work on some movies and TV shows, he has not yet found steady work (either in the industry or even just minimum wage type work). As a result, he is not self supporting, and we are still paying his rent. I am happy that he is seeking his dream, and is starting his adulthood away from home and use, but frustrated and resentful that we are still supporting him. Chairing the annual conference. It is a big responsibility that I have wanted for a long time. It has been a lot of work, a lot of frustration. It is has been a good lesson in how to step back and let others take the lead and not micromanage. I am proud of the team and I am grateful for the experience. And I am relieved that it is almost over. I traveled alone for the first time this year. My Uncle was living in London so I went to stay with him for a week. Though I wasn't alone the whole time, I spent the days wandering around London by myself. It was one of the more exciting things I've ever done. I felt like I had so much freedom in my day. I could spend as many or little hours at a museum as I wanted. But this freedom and independence was sometimes accompanied by intense loneliness. Yearning to have someone by my side, traveling along with me. But, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I'm much more settled in my life in San Francisco now, and I think I'm secure enough with that where I'd jump at the chance to travel alone again. Nothing significant has happened in the past year. My life is boring. Or at least I just can't remember anything siginificant that heppened. If anything this whole year has been filled with depression and resentment. My life sucks. Nothing good ever happens. And when it seems as though something good might happen....it doesn't. Crisofina leaving Yusen was kind of a blow to the heart for me.....I regret not talking to her more. I regret not asking her out. I regret not making her my girlfriend. I regret not making her a friend at least. I don't know why I didn't go after her but I'm very disappointed in myself for it. I really don't want it to happen again! I have to figure this out already. I don't wanna feel this way ever again. I need a girlfriend! I wish I could've gotten to know her better. She could've been a great first girlfriend for me. This is exaclty the reason why my lifer sucks! I'm a coward......a fake......I have no guts. I'm too proud for my own good I bought a house!!!, it was an amazing experience, I am so thankful that I was finally able to realize a life long dream and I could not have done it without my wonderful wife. Turning 50 was a significant event for me this past year as it gave me the hall pass to start marking things off my bucket list. I took the time to ski across Finland and to also go to Peru and hike the Salkantay Trail to Machu Picchu with Maya. It feels like a gift which makes me feel grateful for my life and ability to do what I want to do. It also makes me feel like life is short - so its time to keep smiling, adventuring and pushing myself to new limits. I moved to Portland. It's been awesome so far. The move itself was tiring and timeconsuming, but it was the right call. My husband and I are much happier in the Pacific Northwest and I'm thankful for the opportunity to finish my PhD remotely. My first granddaughter was born to my middle son and his wife, and it was on the same day that my grandson was reunited with his birth father, my oldest son. My grandson and I were reunited last year....and this year he was reunited with his father. (He was placed for adoption 12 years earlier, in an agonizing decision my son had to make.) On the very same day my sons welcomed their firstborns into their lives, although in very different ways. To say I am grateful and inspired and blessed doesn't begin to describe it. I suppose 'awe' more aptly describes it. I envisioned both of these days...but I couldn't have imagined a more poignant unfolding of these miracles There are two things for me. The first one was the work trip to Singapore in July of this year. This is when life gave me the chance to get Steven Walsh, Partner, Perth Deloitte, out of my system. As I sit now, he's not out of my system. I'm in love with the man, and I didn't see this coming. I had, until July, been going through a long process of convincing myself that it was ok that Daniel was my one and only shot at doing life with someone else. I never thought I would experience the feeling of being totally and utterly in love in my life. I thought life had forgotten me and I'd accepted that was never going to be afforded. But it has and it's incredible. The second is the wheels fell of my fitness and I lost my sense of self. I stopped running. Stopped cycling. My clothes got tight. I lost everything I'd worked for last year. I have no idea how it happened but it did, and it's knocked me for six. It means I'm not in a great place about myself and my identity as I write this. But I had my back fixed last week and now I'm trying to gaffer tape the wheels back on. This year I felt elated, shocked, in a dream-like state, annoyed, hopeless, frustrated and confused. I feel that this year has been a blur and a waste. I came very close to losing both of my parents. They are 90 & 88 ....... I am very lucky to have had them for this long. It made me realize how much I care for them & how much I will miss them when they are no longer in the physical world. I am grateful for the extra time we have together. I am also grateful for my brothers who all stepped up & gave 100% of their time & energy to help. What could have been a horrific experience was turned into something that was enjoyable & actually fun at times. I moved to Istanbul where I've yet to find a single friend. The city is cold, unfriendly and oppressive. It's stymied my creativity and crushed my belief that there are decent people in all cultures. This year seems to be full of changes and significant experiences. Sarvesh- I am surprised I took the plunge. I'm baffled that he liked me. It's been incredible- I've learnt a lot, and feel supported and cared for in a way that I could never have imagined. I have so much fear around this all going wrong, but it is SO worth the ride. He makes me a better person, and I'm so grateful that he is in my life. The two months in Bristol were amazing- they let me spend a lot of time focusing on what I am, where I want to be and also just to have fun. Finishing TFI felt like a loss of identity- I don't quite know what to say to people when they ask what I'm doing and so on. It's made me realise that I want to have an identity that is broader than the work I do. It's something I hope to work on. Starting T hormones. Man, that was a fight to get! Everything going wrong, all the red tape, I thought I'd never get there. So happy to be starting to transition. Loving the changes so far, even the ones that are weirding me out a bit. I got accepted in an academic scholarship program which fitted my interests and study preferences. I was able to travel, interact with various cultures and experience diversity in action. I am very grateful for it. However, the program itself did not challenge me much and I did not give my 100% of which I am resentful. Also during travels, I did face logistical troubles and financial losses but I see it as a learning experience. It reminded me that though it's hard to be hopeful and live with abundance theory when things do not fall into place but in the end, it makes you grateful and is a blessing in disguise if you are able to live with it. I still feel good about the achievement and it is not an opportunity lost but a lesson to plan more effectively, manage time, listening to your voice and give me more attention to detail. I started school! I'm grateful! It's been awesome and amazing to see how much of a natural student I am. I had a lot of reservations about going back as an older/non traditional student and wow! I've enjoyed being a student again, learning, challenging myself and all with Math and Science classes which were always difficult for me. At this point I'm inspired to keep going. I'm also proud of my dedication to my meditation practice. Since my last retreat in June my commitment has been strong with 20-60 minute sittings just about every day. I was invited to exhibit my art in a show entitled, Be Mine II, opening on Valentine’s Day 2015. The first exhibition was such a pleasure for the artists and patrons, the curators invited more artists to show this year. I was a last minute invitation. I had three weeks to conceptualize and create my submission along with the left-brained detail work that I find most challenging but is as much a part of the show as the art. The irony of me being invited to be in an exhibit with a Valentine’s Day theme and a Valentine’s Day opening was not lost on me. December, the year before I confirmed my husband had been involved in an affair for two-thirds of our marriage. Valentine’s Day lodged uncomfortably my heart. The path of creating art around a celebration of romantic love was clearly a road that I was had gotten lost on a while ago. In envisioning the piece, "A Proposal for My Husband", which was based on a poem I had written based on an email this woman had written, I saw the poem as the centerpiece in a distortion of a giant heart-shaped candy box. Since there was something in me and the situation I wasn’t yet willing to touch, a place I was not willing to go, I recognized I needed to uncover something about myself and my relationship to Valentine’s Day before the piece could truly be mine. Inadvertently, I created a work of art that I didn’t know was in me. I thought I was warming up, clearing debris, playing, avoiding, procrastinating, and distracting myself. I thought I was doing anything and everything except creating a piece of art. I thought wrong. "Ghosts of Valentine’s Past", exists because I chose to follow my impulses and create my way toward something, anything that would connect me to the truth of my heart because although I loved the concept of "A Proposal for My Husband", I did not yet understand it as mine. By following the detour, I traversed the territory Valentine’s Day. I mapped the pain, separation, competition, and angst that Valentine’s Day evokes and quickly covers with sweet chocolate. As I worked organically and intuitively, with no attachment to outcome, unaware that I was making something meaningful; my lost and buried memories of Valentine’s past surfaced and I saw how they kept me from touching Valentine’s Day or allowing it to touch me. The act of creating "Ghosts of Valentines Past" invited lost and buried memories to surface. It revealed Valentine’s Day’s large and looming shadow, the side that is rarely mentioned despite the evidence that the atmosphere is thick with it. My first significant Valentine was in the fifth grade. My boyfriend walked from his classroom into mine carrying a gigantic pink construction paper heart. As he handed me the heart he made, my name on one side and his on the other, he ripped it in half and walked out. I know it’s naïve, but I had no idea why I, a naturally romantic person had a love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. Just as I was naïve as to why I was in such a connected/disconnected relationship with my husband. In creating these pieces for the show, I fell in love with the Shadow Valentine’s Day because it broke my heart open wide. I feel grateful that I have ways beyond words to uncover and discover the truths and lies I agreed to without knowing I was even choosing. I feel grateful that I am far more soul-led and soul-directed now than ever before; that instead of automatically overriding my intuition and my knowings; I am tuning in to my soul. I am grateful that as I rely less on my mental and rational mind, I feel free to tune in to possibilities beyond the limitations of my personal and cultural memes. I thought this letting go of attachment to results and outcomes, especially in the area of what others could or should be doing, would result in me feeling more vulnerable. I thought wrong. It actually shifted my relationship to my own vulnerability. I am no longer vulnerable as in believing that I am at the mercy of other people’s thinkings, doings, and beings; which locked me into a judgmental and reactive cycle. I am vulnerable only in that I retain enough softness around my self, others, the world that I may be permeable so I am not holding on tightly to the quote-unquote rights and the wrongs. I touch the world and the world touches me so I am building experiences of being in a moment-by-moment cocreation of my moments, my life, my world and the beauty is we are all alive and changing and fluid and flowing into the something bigger and more loving than I ever imagined. My mother had open heart surgery this summery - she had an aortic valve replacement. I was with her in Florida for 3 weeks. I was apprehensive at first because we don't always get along but it ended up being a good few weeks. She recovered well for which I am very grateful. I am also grateful that I have a job and family that made it possible for me to be with her when she needed the help. It's helped me to focus on what's important and wanting to spend more time with my family and prioritize that. My partner and I went twice through an experience that we never thought would happen; abortion. It's been something else. It brought us closer. It motivates us to take every day seriously, so that we can establish a child-friendly life as soon as possible. Experiencing emotions and working on feelings to improve health and it has created ups and down but overall improvement in my body. Grateful and finally able to dream and inspire. I helped two friends fall in love with each other. I didn't set them up on a date, but when one of them told me he liked the other, I encouraged them to pursue things, I arranged for the two of them to be at the same place at the same time, I had mutual friends talk to both of them to see if they were on the same page. And they were. Despite much fear and hesitation, self-doubt and uncertainty, they got together and they fell in love. I don't mean to take credit for this--it was their doing, not mine--but it felt wonderful to be supportive, encouraging and to witness it up close. It reminded me of how awesome new love can be. I broke up with my partner. I decided to end my marriage and went into the hardest time of my life. And I feel stronger and steadier and more joyful than I ever have before. I grew up again this year. I depended on myself and friends. I realized that joy is more important than duty. I realized that I cant save or heal other people. I listened to me. Ellen hit rock bottem .... And then rose up again. By the time her tenth birthday rolled around she was really a new person - one who is so fully in control of her outbursts. She inspires me. Started working at the zoo and it has revived my passion for animals and biology, so grateful to be able to experience this I decided to make my first solo trip abroad to Greece to celebrate my 23rd birthday. I've always been an independent soul and it meant so much to me to be able to successfully trek my way through a foreign country, fumble through an unfamiliar language, and successfully do everything I wanted to do. I feel proud of myself...I feel like I can do anything. Traveled to Carolina to play golf with Brother Bill. throughout the trip I was continually aware of how grateful I am to be so blessed with family, friends, and wonderful experiences. Playing number 2 with a caddie was the bess experience on a golf course since Pebble Beach. A significant depressive event that lasted several months, to one degree or another. I'm not sure if this is the experience or the effect. But it was agonizing and embarrassing at the same time. I am, however, grateful that I now have (more of) the skills of selfawareness, self-care and communication to weather such times without too much collateral damage. Teaching courses for TFI! I am grateful, have been inspired, touched, felt fulfilled. Grateful for the connections with such motivated, sincere students, grateful for the opportunity to do something I love to do, for being able to share Focusing, for being able to touch people's lives. This led to increased income, the ability to buy myself a smart phone, and even to begin to save again :) And even more valuable, to begin to take more risks in my teaching, which has strengthened my teaching and what I feel I can offer to people. I moved out of the dorms for the spring 2015 semester and lived at home. 15 credits + 40+ hours of work a week really helped remind me of why I started college. While I may still not know where I am going with my life, I still feel I'm on the right path even if it's leading to some serious debt straight out of college. I can only hope that the other experiences I've had this past year have helped shape me into a better person. living with a roommate that is a friend taught me that sometimes you just need a moment (or 10) to yourself and that you are NOT being a bad person to want that. Sometimes one must put themselves first and realize that doing so is okay. -working without any real restrictions gets boring. Especially if there isn't always work for you watching netflix / reading only is entertaining for a short time until you've done it days in a row. And not having any restrictions and a super flexible schedule meant I could do what ever and get paid - and I doubt that will be able to happen after graduation. keeping up with school taught me that if there is a will, there is a way. You might have to give up stuff, but in the end if you really want it you will succeed. While I can't graduate in December like I wanted due to class scheduling and such, I am able to graduate in May with a minor I didn't anticipate when I first started down this path due to required & electives (even if said electives were from a limited list of 7-8 choices). Overall I've realized that my decision 1.5(ish) years ago to be more calm and go with the flow has really helped me get to where I am now - and I hope to continue practicing this decision :) The past year had been a whirlwind for me. There are a lot of good times but I also experienced the lowest point in my life, I failed the comprehensive exam. I was depressed toward the end of the year because I feel like shit. I failed all the subjects. And I really feel stupid. I can’t recall any super significant experiences from this past year. I seemed pretty risk adverse and followed the same routine on most days. I did go to NYC in June, and it felt right for me to be there, but I don't know if I would call that significant. So, I guess what is significant is that I had no really significant experiences. I feel disappointed about that. It feels like I wasted a lot of time. I guess this year I have one of each. 1. I got married. It was wonderful. After months of planning and decision making the big day arrived and I couldn't have had more fun. 2. I lost my job. Part of me hated the job but the other knew I was dependent on the job. FML. Well, it technically happened on Dec. 27, 2014. Robby was in a motorcycle crash. We had spent Christmas with his family in Porterville and I left early the next morning to go to work. Christmas was on a Thursday and he had Friday off; I did not. He went skiing/snowboarding with his friends, spent the night at his parents house (they had left to their beach house in Oxnard), and got up early to leave. It was very cold. I had taken the car home with the intention of Robby driving his father's motorcycle home. He was going to start using it for his work commute. Gas is expensive and there was some traffic. It's better now that they've opened up some more lanes and he often takes the bus. Anyways, it was very, very cold and during the ride, Robby started to feel it. He stopped at the Flying V store at the base of grapevine and bought one of those neoprene masks to wear under his helmet. He continued his ride. He went up and through and just as he started his descent, the mask wiggled up, covering his eyes. It was so windy and so cold, and he was wearing giant gloves. There was no way to remove it. He thankfully was in the slow lane. He knew there was a semi right behind him so he was careful not to hit the brakes too hard. He tried to pull over, blind, to the shoulder (thank goodness there was one on that part) and crashed into the metal guard rail, crushing his leg. The motorcycle went forward, so it didn't land on him. When he looked around, he saw he had landed on the shoulder. He wasn't sure how badly he was injured, so he felt his body. He could tell it was mostly his leg. After a couple minutes, a semi driver stopped. Robby asked him how bad he was bleeding, and the driver answered that it wasn't too bad considering the bone was sticking out. Robby asked him for his belt and he made a tourniquet. A park ranger was the next to stop and waited with him for the ambulance. He was taken to Valencia. Meanwhile I was at home, waiting for him to arrive so we could head to my parents' house for our Christmas celebration. I was talking to my dad who was telling me to hurry up. He said he was parked around the corner and didn't like anyone at the house. I told him to be patient, Robby would be back at 10 a.m. and we would be on our way. My dad said, 'Well, he clearly lied if he said he'd be home at 10, because it's 10:15.' I knew right then, I think. Or at least the thought sneaked in. My dad assured me he was fine. We even joked about him being dead on the side of the road. A minute later Arlina called me hysterical. He had been in an accident, he was at the hospital, they wouldn't say how bad it was. My heart dropped faster and deeper than it ever had. They picked me up and we had the worst hour and half drive ever to Valencia. Robert didn't speak, drove too slow, in silence. Arlina cried while fielding calls from 100 people. Addison was sitting next to me. She was quiet, stared out the window, sometimes would start sobbing when she'd hear Arlina say something especially scary on the phone. Tony didn't really get it. He was saying things like, 'Don't worry, Nana, he's probably just not calling because he's in a coma.' It was awful. But when we got there, not even really knowing he was coherent or paralyzed or on life support, Arlina did the kindest thing. They only allowed two people at a time into the ER. I looked at her with a silent longing. And she let me go, with Robert, and I ran and he was there, leg wrapped and bloody, face scratched up, but smiling. It was the best moment of my life. I know part of it was that she was scared. She needed Robert to go and make sure he was alive. But those few seconds saved my last bit of sanity to which I was clinging. it was the best moment of my life, the most relieving, and I've never been more grateful, ever. My practice has blossomed in the last year and I have begun to accept that I have been given gifts of working with people. I feel very grateful that I can work with people to help them find different solutions. I did an introductory course in counselling which taught me so much more than I expected - I learnt about myself and although it was painful at times, I am glad for having had the experience and especially because it inspired me to start my own therapy. Went on a cruise with about 13 family members. We were all out of our element and on equal groud. It was great. Everything that my brother, sister & i had gone thru in the years past, i could see in my brother's eyes that he was so greatful to see his sisters smiling and laughing again! It made me greatful and inspired. I broke off a mediocre relationship and eventually cut off contact for the time being, which was hard for me to do. I put it off for a long time because I suck at confrontation and worry too much about peoples' feelings sometimes. It was hard because he hadn't DONE anything, so I felt bad about it. But I found myself resenting him and I was clearly unhappy. It was a huge relief when it was all over and done with, but the middle part sucked. I suppose I did feel inspired to speak up and to not stay in shitty arrangements for so long. I moved to Ashland, OR in the last year. I am so very grateful for this place and the people I have met here. Parker and I had the dream of finding a small mountain town where there was a lot of outdoor activities and people to do them with and I could easily drive to see my family. We found it here. We have met so many wonderful people who are so open and welcoming. Last weekend we had the perfect Ashland weekend, we borrowed a canoe and a raft from some friends and took other friends with us to Squaw lake then headed to see a great Australian singer songwriter and then on Sunday I went for a hike and brought a picnic and hung out a a local farm with a friend. Such a perfect weekend. The most significant thing that has happened was meeting my boyfriend. I am immensely grateful to the universe for this, for my being ready to encounter him, for him being ready for me, and for the potential future that I see us sharing. I finally sold the house in Thousand Oaks and moved to an apartment in Santa Monica. It feels like my life has been renewed, and there has been much joy associated with being in this location. At the same time, it is scary to be starting over, and I am still somewhat lonely. I have to keep reminding myself that it is a process, and it will take time to get my life (and new apartment) to where I want it to be. Just a few weeks ago I was promoted to a new department. The change was profound. I knew I was unhappy with my other position, but I had no idea how deeply unhappy I was. My whole world has changed, professional and personal with the change of departments. I'm thankful to be out from that very low depth of despair and that the Supervisor could see my need for change. I got a new job and was promoted. It was a horrible, thankless job with too much work and no way to win. With the promotion I didn't get any more money. I had a great coworker but that wasn't enough to make me stay. My friend offered me a new job. It requires me to move to Iowa, sell my house, take a pay cut, end a relationship. Scary but I needed a change and after turning this down a few times I decided to do it. On July 17th of this year I was ordained as a Teaching Elder in the PC(USA). My husband and I also accepted our first call as a clergy couple. It affirmed God's calling for us to be leaders in the church together. It also affirmed that a church was willing (and eager) to take a risk on both of us. We are very relieved! We resent that we are very far from our family. We hope that we may be near to them again. I lost my grandfather. It was weird. On one hand, we had all grown accustomed to ignoring him most of the tim, or treating him like a toddler. So weird. His head wasn't entirely there anymore, I think. And he was always so immaculate, dressed in white suits and freshly polished leather shoes. I wonder what it was like for him, was he aware of his own decline? Was he frustrated or oblivious, did he remember the past? He was such a man of the world, renowned hair dresser, remarkable gardener, incorrigible sweet tooth, talented whistler, sharp dresser, head of the family, keeper of the traditions. He had lived, that's for sure. And then one day he was gone. And the next it's like he always had been. So accustomed we had grown to ignoring him, that it wasn't such a stretch to miss him altogether. My poor grandmother. I wonder how they loved each other into their old age. If and how much maybe. A lot of forgiveness from my grandmother, I'm sure. We all gathered at her house after the funeral. Met family members I had never met before. I started a Facebook group after that. First we shared old photos of Pépé. Then of the family. Now we share news and jokes. Julien Haddad turned out to be this wonderful ever present online jokester. The group really brought distant relatives together, people I otherwise didn't have in my life. So some good came out of my grandfather's death. I also started calling my grandmother every week. And at Pesach I left her with my iPad. People didn't think she would take to it, but boy were they wrong. She reads Facebook like the newspaper and FaceTimes with me. Although most of the time, I have to call ahead for them to pick up the iPad, it's still awesome to see everyone's faces on a weekly basis. Every week I worry about my grandmother. Not sure how long I'll have her. I think about that a lot. She's not the most talkative, but I should be more inquisitive. While I still can. I am going to cheat and name a couple significant experiences. I met someone who showed me how amazing and "easy" a relationship can be, easy in the sense that everything flows naturally and a true connection is omnipresent. Although this relationship didn't last, it taught me what to look for when evaluating a prospect's suitability as a lifetime partner. Earlier this year, shortly after a heartbreaking split, I was forced to find a new place to live after my residence of seven years became unlivable due to plumbing/pipe issues. While I bitterly complained about this problem initially, I now see it as a blessing. It challenged me to stand on my own two feet and decide what I truly want in terms of a living environment. I now live in a beautiful apartment that spoke "home" to me the moment I stepped inside it. My best friend's sister died and it really impacted me and how I think about my family. I feel sad that I'm not closer to my parents and brother. But I'm thankful to be living with my sister and have that support system. One significant experience that has happened in the past year is that I became a godmother. It affected me in the most incredible way. I am so beyond blessed and grateful and I feel inspired to live a better life. Wow, this last year has had SO much! Since for these purposes it is Sept to Sept, the most significant experience has to be having a tumor surgically removed from my brain. I am very grateful that it was not cancerous, that the surgery went well. I am still very bewildered though at how my life is supposed to go from here. I am lost and hope this time next year I will have at least found my path even if I'm not very far along it yet. I suppose the most significant experience this year was going to the emergency room twice and having two surgeries. The whole experience was a bit surreal. It was the 1st in my 55 years that I've ever had surgery, and the first time when I've gone to the emergency room and not really known what was going on. It was an unsettlingly helpless feeling, but at the same time the passivity was surprisingly not all that difficult. I think I learned that it is ok to let others do things sometimes. After six years of being out of the workforce, in mid-May I took a part-time job. I am fortunate not to need the money. Rather, I took the job, "for the fun of it." After about four months on the job, I have mixed feelings about it. I work in a retail store and I think the store's general manager is an infantile bit**. I also think the place is poorly organized and the pay is unconscionable. With those few exceptions I really like what I do and who I do it with. I think at the end of the day, I'm grateful to be having this experience. It's taught me a lot -- about economics, about human nature, about right and wrong and more. It's also made me very aware of what matters in my life by which I mean my emotional and physical health and has made me want to do better in both areas. Ironically, knowing that I can walk away from the job and not worry about feeling the pinch of not having the money it generates actually makes it easier for me to be stronger in the face of adversity. Recently I had an exchange with the manager and I was able to look her in the eye and say without feeling sad or anxious, "I'm thinking about leaving." I think it might have been surprising to her to hear that because most people who work want to keep their jobs. I realize, of course, that I'm not indispensable, but I think management would prefer that I stay because then they have another body to do the work. Regardless, though, of what they want, it's fulfilling some of my desires. I'm a storyteller and it certainly does generate stories to tell, so that's great. I think the bottom line is that I'm more whole for having this job and all the experiences that come with it and I have no complaints about that. I took on more responsibilities for each of the non profit organizations I have been involved with. We seemed to have lost the bubble on adventures through lack of planning, lack of energy and general striving to understand the importance of life and what is important in life. While this provided week and month routines, it was also confining and somewhat defeating to drawing new energy for the next set of undertakings. Further, it took away some confidence and self will that has been a strong director in my goal setting and yearning. I have felt wasted and this contributes to the discord in my relationships. I finished my dissertation, and gotten an A for it. It was a massive relief. It sucked the life out of me, I was struggling so much to get it done, my perfectionism and procrascination getting the best of me. It was a monster thesis. In the end though, I got it done. A part of me died alongside I think. There are some things I wished I do differently, of course, the perfectionist side of me have a list of it. I was surprised I got an A and when my lecturer praised my work, I really thought otherwise. The completion of this gave me confidence though, I am more aware of my faults, and my strengths as well. I felt like I can take on the world. People can look down on me all they want, but I know my real value, and I will embody that value, which I earned. Another significant experience was I was approached by an editor of this niche online blog, to write. I was very flattered because it is a famous blog among certain circles. The experience of writing it was cathartic- writing has always been a visceral, cathartic experience for me. There is also the experience of working with a professional editor, which was very exciting and made me think of my writing in different, new ways. Then there was the publishing of my article, I never expected it will spread far and wide and reach so many people with the same interest. I made so many new friends and felt more connected, and less alone. It was a boost to my confidence too, to remain fiercely proud and confident of my abilities and skills. I separated from my long-term toxic relationship. It was so hard, probably the hardest thing I have ever done. And afterwards I was a shell of a person, and that was so very sad. I spent weeks crying. And then I spent weeks just being silent on the couch. And then I came out of the fog and I got to make myself again. I made decisions more purposefully and because they were things that I wanted and not what I thought was best for me and someone else as a unit. I learned things about me that I never knew, I had experiences that I never would have had if I were still in that relationship. Or any relationship. It taught me that I am okay being just me. I am an amazing partner, but I am amazing with myself too. I met a person that was perhaps a true love, and then we broke up. The experience taught me that such a person actually does exist, and I will be forever grateful for the time that we had together. I now look forward to meeting someone else, knowing what I like. We had to resign our church , We love the people so much , and miss them .It seems though that God is telling us to move on. When God closes a door he opens a window . When my husband landed his dream job, we uprooted ourselves and moved from San Francisco to New York. It was a complex web of emotions--relief and gratitude, followed by anxiety, confusion, sadness, and eventually some resentment. But we're working through it, and New York is growing on me. There are more than one. I found out my son has been doing street drugs for several months now. Because of this and his negative actions toward me, I chose to not visit them this year because I did not want to be in the middle of all the turmoil that is going on out there. This choice has caused me to feel guilty, because I don't want him to think I have abandoned him. He will not admit the drug use to me, but I seldom hear from him anymore. I can only pray that things will get better for him and for us. I love him and my grandchildren so much. Another significant experience is that Rick came back into my life again within a couple of months after he and his wife got back together. I guess they wanted to make it as a couple, especially for MaKinley, and they tried but it just didn't work out. For the first few months, Rick kept asking his mother and me to send him money to leave Franklinton and come here. We sent money but he never actually showed up. His excuse was that he wanted to be there for Christmas with MaKinley. I'm sure that was part of it but it just made me feel as if the only thing he wanted me for was money. Then, in January, his bond was revoked and he was put in jail. He has continued to ask for money, saying his plan is to come here and make a life with me when he gets out. I have still wondered if he is just using me for money. And one of the most significant things that has happened is that Rick's wife, Kisha, up and died. It was quite a shock. It was just a couple days after her 40th birthday and was actually on their 10th anniversary. The autopsy and cause of death has not come back yet but it is suspicioned that her boyfriend had beat on her and/or that drugs were involved. This affects my life tremendously. Before this, Rick was saying he was coming here to start a life again with me when he got out of jail, which I did not know if he meant or if he was just saying so I would keep sending money. I was thinking then that I would have MaKinley in my home and in my life from time to time but that I would have to deal with Kisha all the time in one way or another. Her death changed all that. Hopefully, now, Rick will get his daughter full-time, and if he does actually come here and start a life with me, with her, I will no longer have Kisha to deal with, but I will be a full-time step-mother. I already love that little girl even though I have only seen her a couple of times, but I am 63 1/2 years old and just don't know if I am capable, physically or mentally to do it. I do know, however, that if it is God's will that he will give me the strength to do whatever I need to do. Vegan/Vegetarian event Aimee invited me to. I went vegan. I am grateful to have attended. Sometimes resentful that it has taken me away from other parts of life. Mainly inspired with myself to take it on. I decided to do an art journal everyday, starting Jan. 1. And I've kept with it -- every now and then I miss a day, but I go back and draw stuff on those pages too. Learned more about how to draw and paint from doing it, and wish I'd been doing it all along. It has made me look at the world in a new way, and I'm grateful for that. My father passed away on January 19th..just short of 96 years old. He was a wonderful man and I'm grateful to have had him in my life for all of these years. He was such an inspiration in how he led his life. He was very giving, always joking, and very supportive, financially and in every way. I reviewed some of his stories from WWII and came away with more recognition of what a true hero he was. He had all the right values that guided his life and hopefully passed them down to me. I got married! (and bought a house). To be honest, I'm struggling with the marriage piece. I wonder if I've made a mistake and committed myself to someone I no longer love romantically. The US Supreme Court ruled that our marriage is valid everywhere! I'm happy, relieved, and inspired toward new positive work for our family and families! This year I celebrated my oldest daughters Quinceancera. That is Sweet Fifteen in Spanish. This is very significant to me because I wanted a Sweet 15 but I could not get it. My mother was a hard working single mother and hardly had enough for my bother and I never mind a Quinceancera. So for my daughters Sweet 15, I went all out, well as much as I could that is. I am a hard working single mother of two as well. I wish I could also add some pictures to this for memories. It was a such a beautiful party and my daughter looked like a princess. She had a lot of fun with her friends and family. I totally burnt out creatively. After pushing hard through a spring show, I have made one dream catcher. I have barely set foot in my craft room. It is scary to have inspiration leave you, but I am grateful for the forced reset and the clarity that the burnout provided. It showed me that I can work hard and accomplish, but that crafting is not the end all for me. I got fired from a job after only 4 months. It made me feel quite angry, resentful and cynical. I tried to explain to management why interest in their products/services was lower than expected, but they chose to ignore any information that didn't fit into their rosy and unrealistic view of how things should go, and shoot the messenger. It made me realize that I really don't naturally fit into a corporate environment, where everyone is basically lying to each other to save their own asses. It had a major negative impact on my wife's mental state and likely on my ability to get another job. I realize now, that in general, management doesn't want to hear why products don't sell, they just want a good story about how you will make their plan work no matter what. I still have insomnia. It's still really hard. I don't know what more to say than that. I feel worn down, it's really hard to want to reflect right now. It feels like I've been beaten down to something basic this year and last, that there is major recovery and healing to do. I guess I get to recenter myself along that journey to heal, remind myself of its importance, and notice that where I am in this journey right now is not all I can be. This journey has left me hopeless even as I try everything i can, has left me grateful for support and resentful there isn't more, has left me confused about what it means to ask and receive help, what methods of healing and modalities are useful (?),about when to be positive and when to be negative, about how to push myself, about how to have a good life. I've underwent some major trauma and there's a lot of work to do. What IS a significant experience ? Sooo many fit this question.... Started a dream group after attending Tess workshop Joining Team RWB. What I thought would be simply an activity group has turned in to so much more. It's a group full of committed, passionate people who strive to make themselves better, and make me better for it. Even though I've only known these people for a year, the relationships feel more genuine than relationships I've had for years. It's also been so nice to find a group of friends, as opposed to one-off friends here and there. I've had groups of friends here and there, but this one feels different. Maybe it's got something to do with everyone having a military background, and bringing people in very quickly, but it's been a vast improvement in my life. My brother had a baby. It's been incredible. I love that there's a new generation in my family. I am not at all resentful. Just excited -- and hopeful -- to one day start my own family. My Mom's 90th birthday - I truly celebrated her and the fact that she is in such good health, physically, mentally, socially, spiritually. She is truly a woman of God and inspires me. I am thankful that God gave me her as a Mother and has blessed us with many wonderful memories and time. My mom died. It was the worst year of my life and the best year of my life. It was incredibly painful yet such a relief and unburdening at the same time. I bought a house and decided I preferred women and found a girlfriend and possible life partner. I was laid off. It wasn't entirely unexpected, because my old boss had tried to bully us into becoming "consultants" doing the same work for pretty much the same pay, but without benefits. I resisted, and eventually said I would consider it if paid more money. She acted like we were negotiating, and instead hired someone else. I got two weeks' notice after almost ten years with the company. I was shocked, upset, embarrassed, resentful, angry. But in the end, I am relieved. She had been an absolutely terrible boss and often did things that were probably not legal. The decisions she was making made it seem like the company could very well go under soon. Working for her was miserable. It took seven months to find a job and it's in a new field entirely, but I feel like I'm learning quickly and gaining confidence again. I don't think anything significant happened to me this year. There is a certain blessing to that. The congregation where I am a member sends jars of honey each year to members who had a death in the past year. The jar has a tag that acknowledges the losses with the hope that the new year will be sweeter. After getting the honey two years in a row, my hope and prayer last year was to not get the honey this year. I am grateful and relieved that I did not. I know that my parents are aging, I know that life is unpredictable, I know that no one is immune from pain, death, illnesses, and challenges. I am not so presumptuous as to repeat last year's prayer, but I am so grateful to have had a year with normal joys and trials. I don't think there has been anything over significant this year and maybe that in itself is significant. I chose to stay in HK and not leave to go to Australia or back to England which is guess is fairly important but of course, a choice not to change never feels as momentous. But this year I've just enjoyed living in one place, knowing where the shop is for stationary, the best hike, a great place to get a burrito. I've developed a knowledge of my friends because I stuck around. It's been a good year. I've travelled some more (Beijing, Singapore, Phi Phi, South Africa) and have been a bridesmaid at my sisters wedding. I turned 30. That was significant. That was a scary turning point. Not as bad as I thought it would be but still, no house, no family, no serious relationship ... I'm living like a student. I never expected that I would be like this at 30. Hell, I'm even sleeping an a room so small it can only fit a single bed in and I go to the living room to put my clothes on just cause there's more space. And I don't know if I'm happy about it or not. But I can't see me regretting anything because I lived out my dreams, was brave when I needed to be and every achievement has been mine to be proud of. That's a good feeling. Maybe turning thirty... That's significant. I always jot down notes to myself on the days the questions come out and then go back on day 10 to answer after I've had time to think about them. On day 1, my answer to this question was that my main storyline of 2015 was D. I struggled with a relationship that I didn't want to be in, that I knew was a dead end, and it was a time and energy suck. I wanted to get out, but it was comfortable and convenient, and the perks of a relationship are really nice- especially after being single for so long. He worshiped the ground I walked on (which is always hard to turn down) and was so good to me. But it wasn't right. We were completely wrong for each other. I learned much from him and our time together- I learned about communication and sacrifice in relationships. I relearned the importance of family, following my instincts, doing what I believe is right and what God is telling me. I learned that my character is not as malleable and chameleon as I feared. I learned that I can be in a relationship without being absorbed by the other person, and I saw what it's like to be treated well by a man. I learned that as much as I love baseball, it is not (and common interests in general are not) enough of a foundation upon which to build a relationship and life together. I learned that people are not fundamentally the same. I'm frustrated with myself that I wasn't able to peel away and do the right thing earlier- we broke up at least 3 times, but I kept circling back because he was available, and I was bored. He shouldn't have let me take advantage of him, but I shouldn't have played him! Which I did, and I am ashamed of it. That's still my answer. But on day 6 (ironically, a year to the day that I met D), I went on my first date with the answer to question 8. He is right in every way that D is wrong- and D is not even on my mind now. So we'll see what 2016 holds (: The other major event in my personal life is that after much deliberation, I finally submitted my application to the division of police. I questioned my own maturity and whether or not I was ready for such a high calling. Ironically, the last breakup with D showed me I could make hard decisions when the right choice is not the easy one. I ended up in therapy, seeing a psychologist about mental health. I would constantly think about what could happen or would happen or what is happening. I just didnt know how to deal with it. I was too scared, I still am I think. I would go run, just so I could clear my mind. I was in a relationship, still am in the same relationship, where I felt my fiance was constantly cheating on me or not wanting to spend anytime with me. She wouldnt respond to my text messages or my need to be around her or see her. She would go out with her friends but wouldnt invite me or have time to hangout with me, She would make up excuses. Eventually I couldnt take it anymore, I ended up in therapy. She helped me through much of my distress. I got my mind back but I dont think I truly got my relationship back. Even now I question it. When I sit in silence the only thing I can think of is my relationship. Rather than think of my relationship I play alot of more games to escape everything. I play so much that it actually hinders my work. I dont go to therapy anymore. Significant experiences: 1. Amichai chevruta with Jay 2. My first triathlon with Tatty 3. Germany 4. cross-country bike trip Affects: 1. First time I've really felt the power of chevruta. I get why Yochanan ben Zakai and Reish Lakish fell in love with each other. Studying with the right person can be totally intoxicating. (there was also beer which was literally intoxicating, but I actually feel like for me the beer was a secondary component. I think the difference might have been that it actually was a primary component for Jay.) 2. Training for the triathlon was awesome - so great to return to the pool, makes me feel powerful. But the best part was actually DOING it, day of, with Tatty. She powered through the whole thing and was super kind when I kinda lost all of my energy during the run. I felt powerful, like WE were powerful. 3. Germany I think would have affected me more if I'd given myself time to process it pre-ride. It did affect me though; kind of in the reverse way than most people - I think most came to the trip super-challenged by all of the images and history Germany raised for them. I had never connected the Germany I knew from Kate visits with the Germany of the Holocaust; just had never seen one in light of the other. And so this trip was a reminder to me that those two things aren't actually disconnected. 4. Lord, so many things. Biggest: *It prompted me to take a good hard look at the way I react emotionally in relationships, and to start looking for therapists to work through that relationship stuff with *It allowed me two months of non-Google calendar time. I'm resisting the return; I still, a month+ later can't remember what's happening the next day until I look at my calendar. *It reminded me how many people in the world are paying attention and are affected by my actions and by the information I put out to the world on social media *It reaffirmed the awesomeness and generosity and beauty in strangers. Falling in love with Justin is the best thing I have ever done. I am growing and changing with him. We often talk about the future and I am so amazed that I can finally picture my life shared with someone else. We have so many big ideas about the future and so much to do! I can't wait to get started on forever! IN NEW YORK..... CONCRETE JUNGLES WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OF.... there's nothing you can't do... I moved! I put it out there as a goal and I did it! I am grateful. I am relieved. I am inspired. I don't think I could have ever imagined or envisioned this to be my life, but here it is. This is the last place I expected myself to be, but I'm so happy I did it. I really love my work. I am surrounded by WONDERFUL people. I left people that I really love. People that I thought I loved. And a place that I thought I would stay. Who knows if I will go back to it? But right now I have to look and move forward. I was stuck professionally, personally, and physically. I needed this change. Last month, I went to Ireland with Ezra and my immediate family. It was my first time abroad since college. I rediscovered my love for international travel. I found that I am more patient than I once was with my family. I love them exactly as they are and I was proud and excited to travel with them and see them laugh. I also considered the possibility of living abroad, which has been floating around in my head intermittently this past year. Now, it doesn't feel so far away. Totally grateful for the experience and INSPIRED to travel again. Puerto Rico 2016! Italy 2017! Dad's death was my major significant experience this past year. I wish I could say I'm completely relieved that he is no longer suffering, but that would be a lie. I miss him. I miss being able to go give him a hug or a kiss. Talking with him (although he never responded), watching the Tigers or a Spartan football game with him. Telling him about my day, or that I met a wonderful man. I don't know that I'll ever stop missing him, I've missed my dad for 3 years, but now I miss him even more. I know that he is always watching down on me, and can finally see me accomplish things that he was unable to sitting in that home. I just wish I had a few more years with him as healthy Dad, not sick with frontal-temporal lobe dementia Dad. it wasn't a moment, it was more like the gradual settling in....feeling both stuck & accomplished. i am clearly getting more organized, moving more stuff to where it belongs, have many more empty storage bins & consequently [ i believe/hope ] less stuff. a year ago i said i would be retired gracefully, volunteering & getting organized. not sure about the graceful, in spite of the yoga, certainly not volunteering, but at least some organized. i am feeling...many things all at once. em is on her way out/gone/independent, which is so helpful to me because i could not carry her and she wanted me to. june helped her with meds, and that helped me, and so i have less stress than i used to, and i'm assuming it's helped my health. [ my bp hasn't gone down, nor has my weight] i am happy for her that she is less unhappy, and she is the main person i am aware of. dad is.... dad. obstreperous as always, and only recently grateful, to the point it feels weird. i am.....confused. scared. content in the moment. happy after i move stuff around or get rid of a big box. but worried. is this all there is to the rest of my life? when will i consistently feel well enough to get out? why don't i consistently feel well enough to get out? the mav group constantly posts new ideas for treatment, and NONE of them work for me. so i guess i'm mostly frustrated. also grateful that i have the space / resources to just be frustrated, and not horribly poor. and grateful, as well, that i have some grace. this house, even the other, and my projects, and my cats, and my 'staff', and roommates, and life. even my car. life remains, always, interesting, so incredibly interesting... what if? so in the end, i am endlessly inspired as well. curious. cautious but optimistic. asking, always asking. there is ted talks. facebook. and the internet. i am so so thrilled that i live now, with this resource, as if having the library at alexandria at my door. My dad died. March 27, 2015. Maybe in perfect sync with the sunrise. I can't call him anymore, or hear his voice. You're still my little girl he said, wishing me a happy birthday for the last time. How far away are you from getting your teaching credentials? You're so good at art, man you should do something with that. I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss you. That's the hardest part he said. I scratched his back whenever it itched, cleaned him up. He even let me use that hospice no rinse shampoo on his head and comb his hair. That day he was Tyler Durden. At peace with the unknown and ready..he was just ready. Grateful? Relieved? Resentful? Inspired? In this moment, I can't describe how it has affected me. I was with my father when he took his last breath. There is no beginning and no end. Hello again! It is so good to have this time to ponder and reflect. This year has been filled with blessings that I am overwhelmed thinking about God's bountiful outpouring. After ten years living in the same house, the longest I have lived anywhere, it was time for a change. The housing market, which had been in a big slump, recovered enough that our house could be sold without loosing any or very little money. I decided to sell the home by owner to avoid realtor fees. The first time we went house hunting we met a realtor and I told him that if he found a full price buyer for my house, I would use him to purchase my new home. I priced the house well over market value in order to leave lots of negotiating room. Many realtors came and offered their services and siad I had priced the home too high and that it would never appraise at the price I had listed. Two weeks after I put the sign up the first Realtor came with a buyer who wanted to use the house as a rental property. This was a huge blessing because Kasia, my daughter had just placed in the State History Fair and we were scheduled to travel to DC and NYC that summer and I did not want to have to move twice and pay rent. The buyers put in an offer at $1,00 less than my asking price and by only the grace of God it appraised at exactly at that number (the realtor may have helped a little). The home we found to buy was not far from where we were but, it had a smaller yard, two bathrooms and a big office- all of which were on the want list. It looks just like a cottage from the story books. with its stone fence and wrought iron gates and beautiful landscape with mature trees, a rose covered archway on the gate and a large gazebo in the front. It was in our price range and there was a program called the RDA loan that allowed people to buy a home without a down payment. I locked in at 3.5, less than an hour before the interest rates increased. It is a lovely home with good neighbors. It reminds me of the cottage Chopin was born in Zelazowa Wola, in Poland. It is one of my favorite places in the world and just now My beloved daughter Kasia is playing Chopin on the piano and I am feeling very blessed. I finally managed to get out of an abusive work situation. Way more money, and a considerably more "Adult" environment. I am both grateful and relieved. I was laid off this year- after the shame and pain, i think i am better off. i hope i am right This year I ran for a student government position. I never cared about them, and I've always hated the institution, and hated putting myself out there, but I did that. It was tough, I spoke without a microphone in huge auditoriums, I debated, I answered questions, I spoke to so many people, it was terrifying and exhilarating. I learned I can be good at it, and get over the fear. I can be charismatic. People liked me. I didn't lose by much. However, unfortunately, I learned that I fight too clean. I had ammunition, but I didn't use it. And I wasn't careful enough to keep myself out of the line of fire. I never discredited my opponent publicly-- but selling yourself isn't enough sometimes, and it's harder to convince people you are who you are than it is to convince them you're someone else. Unfortunately, the second significant experience was losing R---as a friend. People are horribly antisemitic and people used my identity and what I study to slander me. The worst part was that Ralph apparently took part in it-- simply because he had a personal grudge, has pro-palestinian friends and assumes what my politics are, and because he was upset I "went to Israel and enjoyed it." The worst thing was, he wasn't even sorry that he lied about supporting me and instead was against me. That's what hurt. He wasn't sorry, and he didn't think he did anything wrong, even though it hurt me. However, I'm glad I gave him a piece of my mind, and glad I wasn't afraid to let him have it. The third experience stemming from this was that J---, who R---always discredited and whose side I always took against J---, stepped up. Even though he had no reason to help me, and I had never given him one or been kind to him (the opposite, in fact), he decided to be my campaign manager, and stay up late and wake up early. He made a promise, and he kept it. I learned a lot about myself, about people, about "fair play" about the importance of knowing enough people since I lost by so little, and about friendship. I'm not sorry I lost R----, just sorry that the time I put into our friendship was wasted, and that I put myself in a position where I could miss someone who doesn't deserve to be missed. I moved across the country all by myself! I really did it, and things so far have actually worked out surprisingly well. I am relieved and I am proud. I finally did the thing I talked about and work towards for years. It felt like it validated all the nights I stayed in because I didn't want to spend any money. I moved out of my parents house, found a job, found an apartment, found a church. I met a lot of people when I first got here but I'm still waiting for friends. There are people I like being around, but no one really seeks me out. This year I experienced anxiety for the first time. Intense, scary anxiety. for no very specific reason. I feel angry and frustrated to have another health issue, and this one is even harder to understand. My partner and I have recently bonded much more closely with another couple, and it feels really Good to be exploring this new aspect of this very sweet and whole relationship. It feels like waiting for it to happen naturally was definitely the right thing, and it feels so natural and easy now that it makes love and coexistence all feel even more accessible. Unfortunately, in much the same vein as last year, the most significant experience of my year this year was the passing of a parent, my father. My mother passed away In August of last year 2014, and my father in February of this year 2015. I don't know how to describe how I feel besides to say that I'm a wreck. I have so much guilt and sadness and anger inside me that is festering. I wish I could have been more of what my father needed at the end of his life. People tell me that I was a wonderful son, that I couldn't have done any more. Objectively, I can see the truth in that. I don't really believe it. I thought I had learned something from the guilt and sadness and anger that I felt at how I feel I failed my mother at the end of her life, but I was wrong. I have moved countries, from Australia to the USA. The town is a much smaller one than where I lived in Australia, and it has been exceptionally lonely and depressingly slow at times. Religiously, it also has been tough as there is no organisation that caters towards my Jewish perspective. However, I now have the best job in the world. For that I am forever grateful. Um, I moved out of my wife's house and I started my thesis on the experiences of partners of people transitioning to a different gender. I've learnt how to be on my own (single) and feel happier because my relationship became so unhealthy and miserable. The thesis has taught me plenty. I know how to do research now, I've learnt how others experienced their partners' transition. I know how to interview and transcribe. I feel like I'm doing some good in the world. Sometimes I forget that and feels like a lot of work. A significant experience that has happened in the past year for me is trying to get pregnant through IVF twice and being unsuccessful and simultaneously watching numerous friends get pregnant and have healthy babies. It made me sad, resentful, jealous and also grateful and happy. It has been an odd mix of emotions that has really stretched me and my friendships and relationships and has taught me about love and compassion for myself and others. It has been really hard but also made me realize how strong I am and how grateful I am for the people and the support that I have in my life. purchase of new used SUV, getting rid of a 16 yr old sedan. I kept the sedan that long because it had low mileage. What a relief to make the change. I wished I'd done it sooner. There's always a way to make it work. I was faced with 2 other major expenses after putting 1/2 down on the SUV. And was running low on cash. I decided to re-fi my mortgage and take cash out...and it worked great! I believe I am guided through my actions by a higher power. It feels so gratifying In 2014, I wrote: Ran out of women, with a couple of disappointments. I am not in the slightest bit grateful or relieved. All it it did was to make me more aware than ever than I am getting old and my chances are running out. Nothing has changed. I managed to not impress a couple of NJG's and the attempted renaissance with Julie bombed. And I am now 69. Fuck! My grandmother died this summer. Yes, it was towords the end of the year, but she had terminal cancer and we knew she would probably die this year. I've been preparing myself for it and dealing with her illness all yearlong. I'm incredibly sad and feeling empty because of how close I was to her. At the same time though, I am inspired and grateful. Grateful that I had such an incredible grandmother. Grateful that she had so many friends that came for Shiva to support us. Grateful that she had so much help during her illness and was comfortable towords the end. I can go on and on. I am inspired by two things. Many say that she was so strong to go through this. I think that is true, and although it is inspiring, it might not affect me on a day to day basis. Still, it is inspiring and I know to complain less and appreciate life more. My grandmother was an amazing writer, but more importantly, a writer who was determined and focused on a goal of publishing her book, which she did (With An Outstretched Arm: a memoir of love and loss, family and faith By B.J. Yudelson). I am also a writer. She inspired me to write often, to write what I am passionate about, and to take my writing more seriously than I do. I've recently read an essay she wrote about me at age five. That inspired me to grow up to be the great girl that she speculated about, even if she won't be here to see the growth and give me help and advice as I go. As I write this I think of another way that she inspired me. To help others. She was always helping people and doing Chesed. I try to do that, but I will try more. My grandmother's death was super significant and I hope it will not taint the upcoming year too much (because not having her there for support will be hard), but rather will inspire me and propell me forward. I am coming back to this on day 10. A tragedy has occured. A 15 year old girl I know died in a car incident. She was in my class - a small class of 15 girls - for 7th and 8th grade. We weren't particularly close, but I knew her because she was one of my classmates. She was so lively, always smiling and laughing. She was so kind and smart. Tsofia, I will miss you and I am so sorry for your family, your friends, and the life that you missed out on. I do know that you had an amazing life, and you enjoyed it, even if it was so short. I never expected it to be so short. This past year I was able to spend 2 weeks with my family in Scotland, Holland, and Norway. It was refreshing for me to be on vacation and away from the craziness of the office - but it also made me realize how lucky I am. I am so grateful for my crazy family, our adventures, and the love and opportunities that I have in my life. In this past year I held my first full-time job. It made me realize that I do not want to work in Jewish education for the rest of my life but grateful for the experience. I am proud of all I have accomplished and I hope that I can take that pride and continue to grow from it. My husband’s professional position was eliminated and he took early retirement. I feel somewhat resentful that the company did not recognize his unique value to their growth and development. I have come to feel insecure about our financial situation and how we will be able to meet the demands of the future. Multiple experiences: 1) The breakup of a 4.5 year relationship with Erica This really affected me because she has become one of the people I rely on and confide in. Unfortunately the relationship didn't work out but I am hoping we can remain friends and do activities together. Living with Erica over the past year is very difficult. Her depression and anxieties affect me a lot. I miss feeling connected to someone. 2) The death of my grandfather. My reaction was more profound than I would have thought. He died of dementia/Alzheimer's. He has been steadily declining for years. I went back to NJ for the funeral and it made me realize that he and I had more in common than I would have initially thought. He was a brilliant man and I have a memento of him hanging on my wall to remember him. 3. My father being diagnosed with dementia. This was also difficult for me. Him and I were never super close but we definitely love each other. Seeing him is hard because you only see the shell of the person they once were. He calls me just to say "I love you" which is sweet. I just want to make sure he gets the very best care. 4. A large fallout with my mother. This hurts me because a core value of mine is meaningful relationships. I would truly love to have a loving relationship with my mother but she does not seem capable of it. I need to reflect and see if I can come to terms with that and have a superficial relationship or if I would rather have no relationship at all. Miscarriage. I think it really put into perspective just how lucky we are to have our health and have a healthy two year old. It was a really sad experience, one that I still think about and effects my life and choices. I'm pregnant again, this time less naive and more aware that it's a miracle that any of us are here, healthy, living, and breathing because you just never know. December 18 2014, my mother passed away. My family was gathered around in her hospital room watching as her heart gave out around 01.10. Her illness took her quickly, having just been diagnosed with cancer just prior to the questions coming out last year. It is good that it was all so quick, the pain she was in had been uncontrollable, but I was left with anger and sorrow, as it never appeared that she wanted to fight the cancer, you see so many brave stories of battlers going on for months or even years from the diagnosis, but the pain would have unbearable to have, and knowing the pain had stopped was a comfort, even if she didn't die peacefully. I am still sad, but some days are better than others. On good days I have more motivation to achieve some goals, mostly around fitness and quality of life, not that I want to live forever, but I do want to live well. I started school again this year. The last time I went was about 5 years ago and it was for law enforcement, however I didn't stick with it because I didn't want to be a cop. I decided I wanted to go to school for accounting this time. I never in my life thought that I would want to do accounting work. I have always been a people person for as long as I can remember and have been in jobs that reflected that. I am now in my second semester and am taking my first official accounting class and I'm not going to lie it's hard, but I feel it's something I can get through and succeed at. It has inspired so, to the point that I want to combine my love of numbers and crime fighting and become a forensic accountant. I'm very excited about this! Another thing that has happened this year that I almost forgot was I thought i had some heart issues. It turns out, after some extensive tests were done, that I just have an abnormal heart beat. My heart has extra beats and I am now on beta-blockers for it. I'm not fan of them, but I would rather take one pill twice a day for the rest of my life than to feel the way I did without them. I moved out of my house. Let me say that again. I MOVED OUT!! For the past three or four 10Qs my goal has been to move out of my parents house. I finally did it. I moved in with my college roommate. We moved to Jersey City Heights and it has been amazing. Its freeing and exhilarating to be on my own. To be in complete control of my whole life. The best part has been taking control of the food I eat and the things I do. I am extremely grateful for the support I've gotten from my family. I am extremely relived that this next step in my life has finally been made complete before the age of 27. After 7 years, I left my job as a hospice chaplain. It was a step of faith as the income supplemented my social security. As it turned out, I got a job driving a shuttle to the Phoenix airport and it was a terrific move, less pressure and the money is very good . . . and I can sleep at night!!!! Why is this one always so hard for me to answer? In 2014, I wrote about not being "in the mood" to answer it. Well, I freakin got pregnant. Trying for 5 months and then finally getting the positive one morning was interesting and fun and bizarre. I am certainly grateful, and was very relieved at the time. I have been inspired by my pregnancy, too - my ability to cope with the changes and discomforts pretty well :) I moved to New York on a whim and got my first job. It has been insanely gratifying. I have grown and learned so much. I have been able to use it as a 'distraction' from other things and in that sense, devote myself to me - to what I love, to where I want to go, who I am and how I choose to define myself. I feel more powerful, I feel capable and yearn for more of this. More experiences, more new. I am proud of myself for taking risk and hope that I continuer to do more. Lead Birthright, shared myself, pleasantly surprised. I learn to believe again in my self . And I am grateful for people we believe in me , before I could believe in myself . The one unusual event is the summer course I taught in London, which was terrific. Although I'm a very experienced and very good teacher, I don't usually receive adulation from students, so this was quite a surprising experience for me. I enjoyed their enjoyment but overall am rather bemused by it. I think this is in line with my growing sense of acquiring "old eyes": I see the world, especially my young students, so differently, with greater distance and more equanimity. I think this will be a very interesting phase of life. My husband and I separated. It made me feel all those things - grateful, relieved, resentful, inspired - as well as almost every other emotion that exists. I know it's the right thing, and I'm excited for my future, but I still find myself thinking, this isn't where I pictured myself. The most significant experience I had this past year was to confront myself with this one question: Why do I act like I'm not worth it. In the answering of this question I found threads of old thoughts. Scared old thoughts that aren't real in the present. Rape, incest, neglect, and all the traumas of my childhood creep in every now and then, but most importantly I realized that the thread of "I'm nothing. I'm not good enough for success." existed 100% of the time hidden behind addictions, distractions and habit. Left my permanent job and started to contract instead. So happy to have made this move since it sets me up for the future. I met a man after being divorced for 13 years, and I'm having a relationship on my terms. Life is surprisingly easier and more full to have someone to share the the moments with. The significant experience this last year was my participation in the Blacklivesmatter protests and subsequent arrest. I am deeply grateful for the ways this has transformed my life and the way I approach my work. I also am saddened by the ways my involvement has led to increase strain on my relationships with family members. Third baby was born. I am utterly relieved. And while I feel I should be triumphant because i finally had the home birth i had wanted from kid #1, I'm left kind of confused and unmoored. I had a son... and all of the above. It's kinda cool, but it's a huge pain in the ass. He's fun sometimes, but I can't interact with him like a normal person so he's just a whiny lump often enough that acts like an asshole when he's hungry or tired This past spring was my Study Abroad experience in Botswana, Southern Africa. I grew more in those 5 months than I thought was ever possible. I had so many rough moments; falling and getting stitches, major car accident, food poisoning, as well as just all the crazy cultural adjustments. But I also had so many amazing, wonderful moments with the new friends I made; seeing places I never thought possible. Though while I was there I couldn't wait to get home, I'm so thankful what happened, happened. I am pretty sure my wife decided we were not going to have a third child. I want one (to have a girl; we have 2 boys) but defer to her. She decided to not directly discuss this with me and I am a little bit resentful. She is also turning 40 in 2016 and I am not sure if age is playing a factor or if it's her desire to move past infants all together. I hope she changes her mind. I got a real job! It's great. I'm loosing my mind with scheduling, but I love and feel so proud to be earning my own money. It makes me appreciate even more the things that I buy, and learning to make decisions between want and need and what's immediately important. And I really enjoy being a tutor. I've started taking the lead on shows at my job. It's incredibly stressful, but I appreciate the opportunity. I'm worried that it's becoming damaging to my health and well-being though, and I'm not sure how to correct that. Just two months ago I moved from New Orleans to Austin to go to graduate school and move-in with my partner. The process of moving and settling in has been a whirlwind. It feels wonderful to be close to my partner after a year of having a relationship apart, but I also feel very disconnected from the friends and family that I love back in New Orleans. Graduate school is very fulfilling - and I'm looking forward to seeing what the next year brings. At the same time, I am actively working not to lose myself in the process by accommodating my partner and his needs as we adjust into living together. I turned in my thesis at the end of last year. At the time, it didn't feel that significant, but I just revisited my work and reflected on how much time and energy actually went into that piece of writing. It took a lot. I didn't feel very proud when I turned it in, but rather just glad to be done with it. Yet, looking at it with fresh eyes, I am amazed at the work I produced. And I see my understanding of my topic had increased even more since then - there are a lot of things I would change about my thesis and it is cool to see that growth within myself. The stress and anxiety I got from writing my thesis took up a lot of space in my life last year. I wanted so badly to be done. And now I am TAing the class I wrote it in and guiding others in writing their theses. Trip to the Yukon/Alaska with Dan! I'm so grateful for this experience. It taught me so much-about myself, Dan, and the country we live in. It taught me I can scramble mountains, and shut my phone off and the world won't cave in. It taught me grizzly bears make strange noises while eating garbage, 911 still does not service many parts of Canada, and that fishing is a lot like gambling with your time. It also taught me how much I resent my job, and how badly I need to make a change. I don't want to go back. I never want to go back. I have been working on challenging career projects that were rewarding but exhausting. I guess one of the most significant experiences last year has been the holiday I had with my boyfriend, his mother and his uncle. For the first time ever I went on a mountain hiking holiday. Even with my fear of heights we went hiking, in the valleys, but also on top of mountains, and from the top of the mountain back into the valley. I took skilifts. Went on paths I would've never imagine myself to walk, voluntarily, on and had an absolute blast! It was so revelating to see and feel how my fear just slowly faded. Still I'm not a huge fan of coming close to the edge but i absolutely surprised myself (and my boyfriend) and I can't wait to go back next year. First that comes to mind, for better or worse, is being in a relationship for the first, and then second, time. If I'm honest with myself, it was the sex that came to mind first. I think I'm glad it happened, but when I remember it I do feel some feelings of shame. Though on an intellectual level I don't think I ought to feel ashamed. Unless I feel that one ought to actually be in a relationship longer before doing that. I got married to someone who is amazing and awesome. I'm so grateful and thankful that she came into my life. She inspires me every day. My bar mitzvah duh! James was born right before Thanksgiving. It was a stressful lead up, but a glorious arrival, especially to bring him home to Thanksgiving with both families - probably the only time that will ever happen. I learned what My Chemical Romance, Panic! At the Disco, Black Veil Brides, Fall Put Boy, and Pierce the Veil was. I am very, very relieved I was not head-banging to Taylor Swift and One Direction. I became more awarness of my real potential. I lost a lot of money on my bussines and my partnes leave alone in that crisis. So I decide to take control of everything. Took me a while to realize what I have to do. But inthe end that experience change me. I was fired from my job very unexpectedly, at first I had nightmares, I cried almost every day and I was resentful. I hated that I had no idea that I hadn't been meeting expectations. Soon I found a job that I like much more. I respect my boss, my coworkers are great, and the work is much more interesting. Now I feel relieved and grateful that I "wasn't a good fit" at my last job. I lived in my own space for a year. Some weeks I came home daily to pick up food or for dinner or to just say hello. Some weeks I didn't pop into my parents' at all. It was an adventure. It taught me about who I am on my own. It also made me realize the things I need to work on are part of who I am and that I need to work on that. Things like dealing with frustrations. Not being sluggish. Working out. Also good things. I love being in the position to support people, host people... I'm more aware of who I am. I'm so grateful to the people I met because I lived there. I totally believe it was hashgacha protis that I met Dinah, Malka, Zeldy and then Yoneat for those last few months. I am grateful. It was lonely sometimes, needing to create your own life. but i loved having friends sleep over and just living in the environment where i can have friends over whenever. Glad I lived close to my friends though it was challenging living at two homes at once. At one point I felt like a child of divorced parents but then I realized I was just wealthy enough to have two homes. Looking back over all these 10q's, I realize that I have grown emotionally. bh I danced on stage for the first time in my life. I'd been going through a mentally and emotionally difficult period and I was really depressed, but somehow, after the performance my depression disappeared. That was strange. How can something as insignificant as that make such a difference? I tried to get a new job. I interviewed twice but did not get it. I felt worse than I thought I would. Dejected. Worth less now that I'm older. Seen differently perhaps. It was depressing. Almost as depressing as working this really underpaid job in public health. Wow. This has been a hugely significant year. Davin took the LSAT again. Got into Law School. We adopted Delilah. I started working a Big Book Solutions Program. We moved to Mountlake Terrace. My Nana passed away. I made my amends. I quit my job. I turned 30. We moved to Michigan. And, just this month, I started a business. It's been one of the most significant years of my life. And I'm poised for another exciting one. I have bought my apartment with my wifewithout taking a loan and moved out of a crazy rent situation where we had to move several times in a couple of months. I felt happy, relieved, thankful, powerful, full of dreams and energy. I fell in love this year. Unfortunately, the love wasn't reciprocated. I think this was the first time I had ever really been in love. I found myself carrying his emotions completely. Giving all of myself in hopes of making him happy, in hopes of making him feel secure. I wanted share everything with him, and I was completely OKAY with not being given the same respect because HE was in a rough place, or HE was confused. I took care of myself second. And I think that is beautiful. It is beautiful to put someone else's needs before your own. But it should only be to somebody who is putting YOUR needs first. And he didn't. Today I feel humiliated. I feel like a crazy person who had all these intense emotions while he was just taking... and I was just hoping. I feel resentful for putting myself in such a vulnerable position and putting myself 2nd. But I feel grateful for understanding what love is, and understanding how truly painful it can be. I recognize it now. I want to give it again. But I refuse to give it until I receive it. And THAT is what I learned. I just hope it stops stinging. Grad school. I won't remember all of the papers and never ending readings, my take away will be that this program has inspired a personal journey that I wasn't prepared. As this second and final year begins, this journey continues to have a powerful impact on me. I've explored biases I didn't realize I had, I've dived deep into my family dynamics, and have been sorting through all of the dark memories/experiences from my past. All the while, I've been learning and training to be a social worker, a role that I cannot wait to take on fully. I am so grateful that I made the leap to pursue this dream of mine. We became pregnant with our second child and leased an SUV. Grateful we are expanding our family, Stressed of the future, but overall great Big event was asking for my promotion and getting it!! I got a lot more money. I got a higher title. I'm excited that I am valued so highly. I feel so loved and secure. It's actually amazing. And worthwhile. And it was a great risk w terrific rewards. I got accepted, and completed, an internship with a global communications agency. I was very surprised that they accepted me and even more so when I found out they had 110 applicants for the job! I am glad I did it because although it probably wasn't for me in the end, I was valued by the team and I definitely learnt a lot more about working effectively. I also realised how insecure I can be at work: I never knew if I was doing a good job. Or, more accurately, I knew I was doing a good job but I needed someone to tell me for it to be validated In December and June, two of my closest people - a cousin and a friend who are both like brothers to me - were diagnosed with cancer. Both my age. In both cases, they have needed to borrow some of my strength. One works closely with me - so closely, I wondered how the work could go on - but I had to do a lot of brave pretending so as not to lose his the public's confidence that we could! The other a family member, so there are others who needed to be lifted up and encouraged, so again, I had to hide the deeper fears and show a hopeful face. Fear and grief and my own feelings of hopelessness and despair simply had no place. So I learned something big. No matter how much we commiserate and talk about a terrible situation, it is the private process that actually gets us through. It has become a very quiet and internal conversation for me, introspection (I am naturally highly extroverted) and reflection being the only way I have been able to find true comfort - gratitude for their lives in mine, hope and frustration at the various ups and downs of their diseases, the hubris of thinking that I can actually do anything about it, and the joy of having some small positive effect... Both situations are on-going - I guess I won't really know how I feel until next year... I started therapy, and I'm learning techniques to implement what is important for me. Specifically, to be more respectful of my feelings, and find the courage to express them. How to become strong in order to protect myself/my needs , and to be less concerned about what others think. I am grateful to have this opportunity to learn this, and much more. There has not been a significant experience this year and that of itself is significant. I no longer have my house to fall into when ever I am back in Calgary, all my belongings in a storage locker. And I no longer have a house or apartment abroad where I work. But for some reason I don't feel this is such a significant experience. And I think that of itself is significant. I am mostly numb to the events that I create or participate in. I don't feel sad about it, but maybe I should My husband and I just started a business. We've been open just over a week and it is very scary. We dumped a lot of our own money and our parents money into it, and its hard to know if it will grow and be successful. But the biggest benefit has been growing closer to my husband. Yeah, we have our sticking points, but working together and watching an idea come to complete fruition has been amazing. I graduated from college, and it feels like nothing good has happened at all. I have less structure, less growth. I miss college, I feel like I wasted my time there by not working as hard as I could have, not getting any internships or volunteer positions. I tried really hard, and it frequently feels like it wasn't good enough. A doctor told me I had high blood pressure and prescribed medication without even giving me a chance to try controlling it with diet and exercise. After consulting with my regular doc, I threw away the pills and got back on track with diet and exercise. Since that appointment, I've lost more than 55 pounds and will be at my goal weight by Christmas. It's fun that I can wear regular size clothes again, and I'm (mostly) enjoying working out every day. I wish that cooking healthy food and exercising didn't take all of my free time, though. It's a lot of hard work and sometimes I wish I could just stop. I really resented the *way* this doctor delivered her message, but in the end I am grateful for her patronizing manner, because it made me defiant and angry -- I wanted to show her that I was more than just the obese person she saw in the numbers. Grandpa died June 3. Dave and I bought a house the day before, and Nina got her first period. Those 24 hours were a confluence of emotions. I had never felt that level of grief - gripping, crushing, hard to breathe. The meeting of death and life in its extreme iterations was poetic and awe-inspiring. My first child was born. I'm relieved that he was born healthy and that I haven't freaked out yet becoming a dad. I'm grateful I've coped well enough at work - I always expected to be a zombie as a new dad. That is largely due to my wife cushioning me from the midweek duties, and my believing too much of the stereotypical views of fatherhood as portrayed in the media. The labour/birth process was also less dramatic which makes me wonder what else in life I'll find I've overestimated. I got engaged! I am all of the emojis about it: excited, anticipatory, relieved, happy, nervous, but mostly just really really REALLY thrilled about this next step in my life. My grandmother passed away and it was very sad. I know she had a very hard, but a good life. I made my peace with it but I also gained an experience of losing somebody so close. I understood why friends are so important, cause I always go to the funerals that my friends ask me to (we sing there) but I never quite realized why am I doing it and why is it so important and if I'll ever wanna stop I'll think about what it was for me I cut out the automatic sprinkler controls attached to various faucets in the backyard and was able to reattach all of the PVC sections so that it worked. It looks as good as the ones my neighbors have put together and there are no leaks. Then I strung new drip all throughout the backyard so that everything now gets water. All I have to do is go turn it on. Next spring I will look at putting everything on timers. I have always wanted to do my own home repairs and feel so elated that I actually can. Not only that, they work! You go, girl! Went through IVF which was an insane process of not knowing what the body holds, facing a possible future different than I had constructed in my mind, and looking at alternative options like focusing on myself/R and traveling around the world persuing my career. Focused on a non-profit idea that I could commit to the rest of my life and feel like I'm living my purpose. I hope is manifests, that I gain the experience, and connections to make it happen. Get it established while children are very young and have it fully IRS approved by the time I can travel and start actively making it happy. This will be my legacy. Got pregnant with twins. It's what I wanted, to have it all done with in one final swoop. Right now I know there's atleast one boy, I don't know the other. Hoping it's a girl or I may have to go for 3 kids, which would be financially insane... Crossing my fingers Looking at my relationship with R, had some great moments and moments where it feels like the same old. Grateful everyday though to have such a real partner in my life. Shares in the experiences, cares, commits, and tries in his own way. Lucky to have him. Slightly worried for his transition into parenthood - know he has the abilities, more just having to let go of being a chef, which is where talents lie. Maybe he'll get into writing and tap into that talent, either way it's on him to solve and I get to just sit back and support. B continues the up and down path of cancer. The hearts that follow do the same. Distant at times and fully there iwht blue eyes other times. He held my hand and thanked me for offering to help in any way he wants. His eyes were grateful and scared at the same time- felt how much he cared for me in that moment and I knew how much I cared for him. Weird how tragedy brings one's love to the surface in a raw way only defined by the iris. Trying to get back to California we'll see what happens. Seen my parents and wish to see them more- I want to enjoy as much time with them as possible. Learn from them. Keep the perspective of learning and that they'll be gone someday so enjoy each moment. This past year, I delivered my neighbor's child. She went into labor very quickly with no one else around that morning. I was so certain the paramedics would arrive before it happened. As someone who can't stand the sight of blood or even seeing a cut on my child's leg, I was surprised at how calm I was able to stay (not to mention my neighbor!). Thankfully, the baby was healthy and healthy. The experience made me appreciate the beauty of life in a way I had never anticipated. As a mother of several children myself, I know how motherhood changed me on such a profound level, but this was something that really made me appreciate life's wonders in a way I could have never anticipated. I started teaching my evening classes for beginners, then intermediates. That meant a lot of things: massive amounts of preparation, lots of design work, writing instructions and reference notes, as well as the actual in person teaching. I wrote and prepared three full adult education courses. I realised that I am a GOOD teacher, and although I'm not very patient in lots of areas of life, in teaching I am patient, encouraging and inspiring. And I enjoy the live interaction with the students. But I also know that it's incredibly draining and tiring work for me, especially the preparation. So the easier and streamlined the prep becomes, the easier the whole process will be and I can focus on interacting rather than worrying about it. One is that my boyfriend and I finally broke up. It might seem like a bad thing to point out (as I have getting into new university on my plate, having thrown an awesome bday party and connected some friends, moving in new apartement ... twice) but I have been thinking it was for the best - honestly, what dragged us together? What held us together? I don't know, but some events showed me that no matter how hard either of us try, there are still some issues that can not be worked out, because the other person in the relationship does not want / does not care. I think that made me appreciate my other friends more and also defined more, what I need to seek in a relationship. Think it made me re-evaluate a lot of things and in general helped me to self-improve - I've never laid down a relationship before, but i think i did good. No extra hurt, no extra drama. My beloved grandmother, with whom I have been close my whole life, died at the ripe age of 94. She was gentle, kind and one of the very best. I am grateful to have had 32 years with her but so sad that time is over. There were two, both involving grandchildren. First, our family grew with the addition of our son's second little boy. Thank G-d for a healthy little one, but it's a mixed bag of emotions as a result: 1. Part of me hoped for a granddaughter and that she could be named after my mother; 2. Most of me realized this baby would only see us a few times a year, and even technology doesn't overcome the sense of being out of touch-figuratively and literally. Second, our daughter's little boy, our oldest grandson, was diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum. He's very much at the high performing end, but is faced with many challenges nonetheless. How is it possible that he could recognize the entire alphabet, upper and lower case, before turning 18 months, yet at age 4 he is unable to perform a simple task like dressing himself? The human mind is so complex. My heart aches for all of his obstacles and the frustration he must feel, but my heart aches the most for our daughter who bears the burden of navigating all that her child's difficulties brings. This past year, I finished my undergraduate degree. It honestly had less of an affect on the way I feel than I thought it would. Yes, it was a big accomplishment and I am very proud of myself, but I don't really fee much different for having the letters B.A. after my name. It doesn't really give me anything besides the satisfaction of knowing that I've done it. Most significant experience this year has been the birth of my son. Bert has been amazing, teaching me so much about my limits and how to go past them. He makes me smile every day. I'm relieved that he's happy, healthy, and more than a little silly. I'm a little resentful that he doesn't sit still at all, but not really. This past year, I started a new position within my organization. I had the opportunity to mold my work into anything I wanted it to become. I was grateful for the time I was given to research and study what other institutes were doing, the freedom to take chances and the flexibility to hire the best team around me to succeed. I am grateful for this opportunity and at this moment I am truly happy with where my career has taken me. I dated a guy who sexually assaulted me. I was so confused about what was going on and if I had the right to be upset by it. I'm relieved I'm no longer with him. Sometimes I still feel guilty for not realizing what was going on earlier and fighting back. This year I studied abroad in Jerusalem. After feeling like my young life was building up to this experience, I was worried that it would not live up to my expectations. In the end, I learned so much about myself and what Judaism means to me. I met incredible people who became great friends and stuck with me through some difficult times and inspiring times. I am so grateful for this experience, and I can't imagine where I would be today without it. I moved to China to start opening restaurants with a good friend of mine. I am very excited about the challenges and opportunities that this presents. There have been many significant events that happened in the past year from all sides of life. From my grandma going downhill, to my cousin having the first baby of the next generation, to moving into my first college apartments with friends who Inknow will be there for the long haul. They have all been significant in their own ways, and have been a reminder that life always clumps the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, and the coming of the new with the leaving of the old. I know it will always continue to be this way, and there is something comforting in that. Overall it was a great year, a rise, not a fall, and I felt like I'm fianally getting back to who I was before my grandma died a little over 2 years ago now. My trip to Brazil and meeting Samuel. Brazil itself was an amazing trip and really opened my eyes to inequality in my own country. It was a different culture and a warm culture and such a bohemian culture. I enjoyed seeing the way Alex and Brandon live and although I couldnt be that far from society I want to live a life more free from society. I am most grateful for Samuel. To have a deep and open connection with a beautiful man who feels as strongly about me as I do about him. I am so lucky to have him. My second daughter was born. I was delighted as I enjoy being with my first daughter and I find joy in their discovery and learning. Through them I have learned to let myself do things without worrying. Slowly I have seen her become more aware and 'person-like'. This is glorious. I got my Master's. I am relieved that all the work is over and amazed that I did it and proud of myself. I am 68 years old and I had always wanted to do this. I decided to move to New Mexico for a better helicopter school. I'm so happy I did because I'm way ahead of the game and becoming very confident as a PIC. I allowed my dad to help me instead of beating myself into the ground for scraps. Also I made a deeper commitment to studying and getting back to my roots. I'm celebrating Adonai's feasts with other believers and growing close to Abba even more. Also relinquishing and repenting from negative unsuccessful beliefs. I feel great. I'm getting congruent with who HE made me to be. :D I decided to move to Singapore. I'm not exactly sure why. It may have been because of a guy - a guy I barely knew, but who inspired me. It may have been because I felt aimless, listless, lost in Shanghai - unhealthy and unhappy, and dissatisfied. It may have been because I needed to take a step, a leap, a jump. It feels good. I'm here on my own, I came for myself. This time, I've had to build a life with only my own bravery and risk and sense of what is right for me. It's scary, but it's putting me back in the place of power I wanted at this time last year. It's a reset and a challenge to get closer to making myself who I want to be. I succeeded in overcoming a major fear. For the second time in my life I was nominated to become class valedictorian (I bailed on my first opportunity back in high school because I was absolutely terrified at the thought of public speaking) but this time at the age of 37, I decided to take the leap. And I flew! I'm still glowing with confidence from that experience... it was such a pinnacle moment for me. From this new perspective, I feel capable and competent, I've caught sight of how I can use public speaking to share my ideas, grow my business, and even more importantly, I've learned that squaring off to old fears can be thrilling and rewarding and come with a huge confidence boost. It may have taken me 20 years to grow to this point, but I'm glad to say, I grew. No more will I shrink back from the stage or the microphone... I am on the other side of fear. We bought a new home and moved. This has become deeply disruptive in my work and it is taking an amazing amount of time to reconstruct my life. Divorce. I've felt profoundly hurt. I spent the last 9 months recovering from severe and suicidal depression. My mind has been filled with anger, frustration, pain, fear, feelings of worthlessness, shame, and all sorts of other terrible feelings that nobody should have to go through and that I wouldn't want to wish on my worst enemies. Meditation and medication were the saving graces that got me through this year without me quite literally killing myself. I don't think I would be here today if either of those were absent. Despite this, I feel like I've come out of this year a better person than when I started. I've found myself setting the intention to act from the sources of joy and compassion instead of from ego, control, compulsion, self-hatred, anger, and their friends. I believe this is primarily because I have spent so much time meditating this year. I went on my first weeklong retreat and found myself profoundly shifted from the experience. I went to another several months later and found great meaning in that experience too. I'm seeing myself grasp and cling all over the place now, which is a great practice to work with. I'm hoping to attend a monthlong retreat at the start of 2016; we'll see when they finish the lottery. :) Husband, 17 month old baby and I traveled to Greece. I can't believe we did it! I'm relieved and inspired that we can do more than I sometimes give us credit for. Met and started dating my girlfriend. It made me a more normal person. I am very grateful for everything that has happened but need to decide if she is the one I ended a year-long, long distance relationship. It left me feeling both empowered and terrified, two feelings I never knew could co-mingle. I was asked to leave my senior exec position after 22 years with the company. I was initially devastated, hurt, scared of the future and in free fall. I felt like I had let down my family at the same time I felt that I had been treated unfairly and had my livelyhood stolen from me by a narcissistic boss who had wanted me out for a long time. Six weeks have now passed and while I still have anxiety, I believe the universe has love and positive possibilities in store for me. I've found out how many people in my community think I'm special and want to help. I've built a lot of good will up in my industry over all this time. I plan to leverage all this positive energy to find a great job that I love working with people who are fun and respectful. Changed jobs TWICE in 2 months; am finally making a decent amount of money so can pay bills and put some into savings. Have almost paid off my car and that is a real accomplishment for me. Grateful, yes, for the opportunities to work at two different jobs, both of which I got through referrals. Feel like I have managed to overcome whatever bad reputation I developed (or think I developed) at Wingate. Sadly, though, since this occurred, I have run into NEW problems at work. I think this occupation is really precarious. My stepfather passed away in April. I was suprised at how little it affected me. Truth is, although we went back a ways and did have a relationship, I can't say I miss him. He rarely visited and when he did it was friendly but not intimate. Kinda like when a neighbour pops by. It reminded me how important connection is - real connection. I broke a man's heart. I was relieved. I still am. I have been my brother's emergency contact for his epilepsy for almost two years now, and now he lives on the other side of the country. This year for the first time I got a call from his TA when he had a seizure during a class (he's an adult student in his late 20s who just went back to community college). I was totally ill equipped to handle it (didn't know his medications, exact diagnosis, doctor's name, hospital, roommate's names, address, and have never been with him when he had a seizure, etc.) and yet spent two hours on and off the phone with this TA, EMTs, TA again, ER docs, TA again, and finally my parents - interspersed with calls with my brother who kept not remembering that we'd just spoken (b/c epilepsy). I have anxiety, and the entire experience left me shaken and drained, and in the long run I wasn't able to prevent my brother from being hospitalized despite it being unnecessary medically. I was shaken, and resentful that I had to be this contact rather than my parents (b/c they don't have cell phones or call waiting), emotionally exhausted, etc. Simultaneously I was massively grateful that it was my brother having the seizure and not me, and then felt guilty that I felt grateful. I haven't gotten another call, but I just hope that I can handle it better next time - and now I have all the information necessary to be helpful if I ever do! There are so many it really is a year of small moments that are forever present, my daughter getting bigger, her smiles, her laughs. The realization that this is my life, all the small moments. I met my fiance Kristijan and he has given me complete strength to follow my dreams. I was always lost before and had no idea what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and I was afraid to confront some family. Being with him has changed my life for the better. My daughter who is 21 was raped by 3 men. She is struggling to get her life back on track after this horrendous experience. I feel relieved that she is still alive, but the shock still hasn't really worn off yet. I got sick of myself in the US so I moved to Austria. I then met a German man, I moved to Germany, I had to go back to the US, and now I'm in Germany trying to become German. It's been the hardest process I've ever gone through. I am grateful for the difficulty because it will make my eventual ability to rest that much sweeter. one hopes. It was also hard to not have enough money for the first itme in my life. That was something, and it was something I think everyone should experience. I made a move from Cincinnati to NYC. It was bundled with more emotions than anything I've ever done! I was proud, excited, scared, sad, thankful, fulfilled, full of love, and more. It inspired me to see the work I did in Cincinnati so appreciated and noticed. Entering couple's counseling with my partner(ongoing experience that it is) is probably the most significant experience of this past year. It is at times (like this morning!) almost unbearably difficult, but I think it is productive. It has brought to the surface so many issues that were underlying our every interaction (fights and sex and just being together) and really made us start to grapple with them. It is hard work that I am grateful (mostly) to be doing. Just last month, I celebrated my marriage with my now husband, Sean! We opted for alternative wedding festivities - a progressive series of community celebrations. We celebrated first with his family and family friends in Novato at a lovely backyard fiesta. The following Monday, we were married at stunning Eagle's Point in San Francisco with our grandparents, parents, and siblings. Apparently it was quite cold, but I honestly felt too happy to feel any frigid air! My dad was the officiant; he did a wonderful job articulating the importance of the moment. This special occasion was followed by a dinner cooked by a friend chef at my family's Airbnb home in the Richmond District. Everyone shared their wishes and blessing with us course by course, starting with the grandparent's generation. The following weekend, we celebrated with all of our friends - both those local and out of town. We had an open house on Friday night, a hike to Bernal Heights on Saturday to share with all where we had been engaged, a barn dance on Saturday eve, and a picnic in Dolores Park on Sunday morning! Over Thanksgiving weekend, we will celebrate with the Murphy family and family friends in Arizona. While I struggled with this decision to do something different from the traditional wedding, I was so relieved and grateful when each event was truly so special and memorable. While I think we will end up spending as much money as a traditional six-hour one time wedding blowout, we really had the opportunity to spend quality time over the course of many days with friends and family. I am so grateful for my husband, and the way we chose to do things . Injury of left foot. Two torn tendon. Surgery on hold until A1c is down to 7.0 or lower. I now am fitted for a foot brace to stabilize my foot (ankles) It has slowed me down and I consciously withdrew from activity outside the home. Don't like the pity party. Relieved I have a legitimate excuse to get out of certain situations. Resent feeling old. Inspired to CHANGE! Wow, what a big question. So many big events happened this past year: graduation from graduate school, Josh and I became engaged, and the death of my grandmother. Graduation was such a relief! After two years of hard work, I am finally able to enjoy the wonder city I live in, my amazing fiance (!), and my loving friends. Not only that, but I got a new job and am learning a ton. My engagement was a complete surprise. It happened in the most appropriate way possible, and Josh and I were able to enjoy ourselves in Italy and celebrate quietly for a bit. We are in the midst of the planning, and although I am not bridezilla, I need to remember to breath and explain. My grandmother's death was quick and I am so glad she is no longer in pain. I miss her so much though. Especially now as I am planning my wedding, I miss her presence even more. Our sweet doggie, Riley died. She was our first baby, before all of our children were born and she was the sweetest, most cuddly dog of all time. Bri gave her to me as a birthday gift our first year of marriage. It was so terrible to see her suffering those last days and poor Brian drove her to the hospital and had to make the horrible call to put her to sleep. Even though we spent a lot less time with her over the last several years, she was such an important part of our family and is missed every, single day. I am downtrodden. Once again my body has failed me. I want to be grateful, but it's too hard now. I feel as if I am the person my grandmother once told me about who was not well enough to have to take part on high holiday rituals. i have to do better, though. so, i will try. Eight years of fighting and troubles with the rest of the family about the question how to care (or not to care) for my old Mother-in-Law who suffered from dementia seemed to end with her dead. I an thankful that I could help her to stay in her beloved flat where she had been living for 86 years with all of her childhood and adult memories while others tried - by all means, including blackmailing and slander - to take her away from that place. I am down, it nearly cost all of my energy and health. But I kept the promise I gave to her. It was right to fight for her right. It feels good. Grandma Lorraine had her first "episode" 9/16/15; she thought grandpa was alive, that they were arguing about the garage, that Tamara was living with them still...basically she thought it was 2010. She left grandpa a note that she was going out and to not lock her out and that they'd talk more when she returned. I'm sad for my own loss to come. I know grandma has wanted to be with grandpa for a long time and has lived a long, good life. I'm grateful for all I've had and more than anything want to be strong for my mom, who is going through this all over again with her other parent. Dad got his mixed dementia/Alzheimer's diagnosis in Feb 2015, and I started helping them, traveling to New Mexico for a week every 2-3 months. This has shifted all the priorities and also my sense of planning. Much of the time, life with them is totally present-moment-based and more like crisis-management than long-term planning. I'm a bit resentful of the impact this has in my life, and at the same time I'm grateful. It is gratifying to feel "of service" and to see that I make a difference for them. And I'm building a real relationship with Noel. And the care-taking role grounds me in hearth and home (theirs) in a way that is weighty like a good winter blanket, and makes me feel less flighty, though it does torque and stretch my normal California life. I studied abroad starting August 2014 until December 2014. The experience made me grateful and opened my eyes up to all of the good that exists in the world. It helped to restore my faith in humanity. The experience also just made me realize how lucky I am to have the life that I do. I was able to travel to many different countries, most of which I did alone. This was an extremely transformative time for me because it taught me how enjoy being in the comfort of my own company. I enjoy doing things with and for myself whereas before I struggled to find my identity in the time I spent alone. It inspires me that I'll never go back to that place of self-loathing and that I only exist now in the present where I highly respect and love myself. This experience has inspired me to share it with others because I feel that spending quality time alone is something that everyone needs to do before they can invest themselves in others. After going through a messy break-up, losing myself along the way and eventually finding myself, I now find myself in a new relationship two years later where I feel like I can fully invest myself in that other person, make myself vulnerable to them and not lose myself along the way. In the past year I had the opportunity to travel to Paris, Normandy and parts of Belgium with my family. It was a wonderful experience and I hope to continue to be able to do these wonderful things. I ended an abusive marriage. It has affected me in many different ways. First, it left me with some emotional wounds that I am still trying to heal. Second, it showed me how strong I really am and how strong I can be for the benefit of my daughters. Third, it allowed me to learn to hope again for a better life instead of trying to accept a crappy one. I am grateful that I ended it. I am grateful to my ex for cheating on me, which was the catalyst that got me to leave; I would probably still be trying to "fix" it all had he not done that. I am also grateful because of all the work I have done on myself and also because without the ending of the marriage, I would not have met the wonderful man I am in a relationship with now. I left my job after being there for 11 years. I'm relieved and grateful now, but I was terribly scared at the time. This summer our in-laws visited our home for the first time and we had our first good visit experience with them. We were able to see the city and really talk for the first time and they felt like family. I am grateful that we've been able to lay a good foundation for the future and that our visits are now something to look forward to instead of something to survive. Last year, I didn't do my 10Q because I went through a divorce. A divorce! Me and Dave! Really! It still blows my fucking mind! Most surprising is looking at my 10Q from just one month before the shit hit the fan...none of them alluded to any problems! How does something happen so fast? One person not willing to work together, and the other standing up for themselves, I suppose. The most significant thing that happened to me in the past year...from last Sept... Moving into my home with Dru, and dating Bryan. I've landed. I have a home again. A place I am confortable in. Safety. And Dru, a new best friend. Bryan, a new best friend. What great memories. Both are some of the best people I have ever met in my life. They've changed me. Helped me open up, realize it's ok to ask for help, to share my emotions, to be vulnerable. I'm singing again! I sing, I feel open, glad for life, happy. If not for my divorce, I wouldn't have met either of them. I would still be this stagnant, isolated person. I love them both, and they are both great examples of the type of people I want to be around, who emulate my ideals and values. I saw Dave today, we talked for the longest since the divorce. And I tell you...I am glad. So glad we are not together. I love Bryan. Bryan is SO MUCH better for me. And my life now is SO MUCH better than it was. Never have I felt stronger that it was the right decision. I can't even talk to Dave now without thinking about how different we are, how much we are not compatible. I have grown. I am happy, inspired, optimistic, and grateful. I am alive and free and love wins!!!!!!!!! Diagnosis with COPD in early January redefined my physical abilities, mental acuity and inner sense of who I am and how I fit in the world. At this point in my journey, my sense of responsibility for having damaged my mind overwhelms me. Moving from one moment to the next feels defeating. I feel disoriented in unknown directions and dimensions, much like seeing one's face when leaning over the side of a boat in a calm, clear lake. I finally found a job. Yay! And I'm still finding out if it's a good fit or not, but BIG thanks go to my therapist, who kept helping me break Big Impossible To Tackle New Ideas into little. manageable. bits. So I could build into a new habits of working on getting something done and really Get It Done, as opposed to procrastinating, leaping for impossible and failing, cause that's just an easy cop-out so you can say, "See I can't do that!" And stop trying. gotta keep trying. My niece gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and began the next generation of our family. He lights up my life on a daily basis. He's given me a way to connect to others and be a part of the world again. I've had so many this past year... health issues, buying a new home, leaving a bad relationship, buying a new car, setting some solid boundaries with my mother, letting go of more than a few unfulfilling friendships. Over all I'm grateful for where I am now, I feel inspired to make more changes, push out further from my comfort zone and create the life that I want. I told my dad about the rape. I stopped having nightmares and now feel the courage to tell other people. I am very grateful and relieved. Inspired ... I hope to one day help women everywhere cope with the sense of loss and shame. That will be inspiring. I am recently divorced and that caused all of the foundation pieces of my life to change. I am somewhat relieved and grateful, but resentful in a small way that all of the upheaval was not by my choice. I am greatly inspired to be the best father I can be and focus on my core values -then build outward. This past year, I put a lot of energy into thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend. I was feeling unhappy, but second-guessing my feelings because we looked so good "on paper". This caused me quite a bit of stress. Ultimately I decided the relationship was not going to work. I came to realize that some of our differences were irreconcilable, I think primarily because of his attitude toward change -- e.g. taking my expression of needs as criticism, being very defensive about everything from decor, gardening, and driving to more substantive questions of our relationship. He approach to dealing with the problems was very passive -- he seemed to just want things to sort of magically be ok without putting much obvious effort into healing the damage of the last year or addressing problems. The crux was his response to my request last summer to talk about the next few years of our relationship. He got stuck thinking this was solely about moving in together. And from then on we were not able to have one single conversation on the subject that wasn't tense and fraught. This eroded my trust and created distance. I finally realized that even though he said we wanted the same things, we have very different concepts of what we mean by partnership, closeness, and connection... It's been a very difficult, painful process. But now, even though there is sadness, I feel re-centered and true. This may not sound like a big deal, but it has really shaped this year. I met an amazing guy named Joseph. He means so much to me and I am so happy with him. We started dating on June 18 and things have been going so well. I am so grateful to have met someone like him. We're already talking about living together after being together for just over 3 months. To most people this may sound crazy, but it just feels so right with him. I'm excited to see where we are this time next year. I feel like he could "the one". I miscarried my first pregnancy at almost 12 weeks. It turned my life upside down. I am still trying to figure out how to move on. It took a big toll on my self esteem, my marriage, and continues to affect me emotionally. It brought back to the surface every other loss that I'd ever experienced - lost opportunities, lost connections. I just totally underestimated how big a deal this was going to be - I was so confident in the face of crisis that I never thought the aftermath would be so long and consuming. One month ago, I fractured my ankle. Three weeks ago, I had surgery and came home with eight pins and one plate in my left leg. Me, the ever moving, doing, making, going, going, going phenomenon... was immobilized. Because I HAD to slow down, I DID slow down. This very minute, I have slowed down enough to write ten answers to ten questions. A month ago, before my injury, I would have signed up for 10Q and maybe (or maybe not) participated. Yes, I have slowed down this month. What a different point of view! Because of this injury, I'm a lot more conscious of my thoughts, emotions, and actions. I'm more grateful for my health, my athleticism, my resilient nature, and yes, my aging process. I love seeing my body heal, albeit slowly. In general, I feel more at peace. This injury has forced me to take the time I've desperately needed to take for the past three years. My husband moved out three years ago. We had issues in our 22-year marriage. Half of the issues, mine. This I see. This I forgive. But the abruptness of the move out? The abruptness of the move in with the 20 year younger woman from work? That part lingered as a toxic trauma for me. I took it badly. I couldn't stop seeing them together in my mind. Lost a gob of weight on the socalled Divorce Diet. Couldn't eat, stopped sleeping, unable to stop grieving. I did inner work: therapy, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, forgiveness, mindfulness, coaching, meditation, energy psychology, spiritual technology. I did outer work: open water swimming, hiking, biking, walking, camping, dancing, singing, reading, writing, crying. All in service of healing my shattered heart and my fucked up head. After three years, I still felt broken. The tapestry of my life was in shreds and I didn't have the will to get up and get on with it. Well, OK, from looking at my Facebook or talking to me over a cocktail, or working with me, I was doing pretty good, but really? Triggers were everywhere. I was fighting sorrowful depression and raging jealousy. I was in a constant state of grief. Middle of the night, early in the morning, not good. Then, a month ago, while walking to my neighborhood hilltop meditation spot, to pray (and do yet more forgiveness work, ha), I went off trail. I was going to sit on the tree roots of the big tree, and look out over downtown San Francisco. Decided to clamber down the steep and dusty incline, off trail. Why not? Still to come: The accident The rescue The ER The surgery The lessons The take away In the middle of the night on March 17, 2015, I found myself in a hotel room in St. Louis crying uncontrollably. I was in a relationship that I knew was ending and was feeling the heartbreak. Again. Another relationship that didn't work out. Another one that I hoped would be the one. In my heart, it hadn't felt right all along but I was so emotionally invested and my head had been doing a lot of work to give it more time, to give it more of a chance. But I was receiving messages from him of trepidation, hesitation and confusion about continuing, and I had doubts independently of this, too. For six months afterwards, I felt sadness, anger, hopelessness and fear of never meeting anyone again that I would like, feel drawn to, feel connected to, etc. I knew leaving it behind was the right thing to do. But it was painful and scary. On one hand, I had given it enough time. On the other hand, had I listened to my inner voice sooner, I would have known that something didn't feel right even though he was a good person. I hope that someone who is the right fit for me is on his way - soon. In the past year, my father has undergone quadruple bypass surgery. It's affected me in terms of huge amounts of stress and exhaustion but it's also pushed me to take on a role of leadership in my family that I would have thought impossible. I am relieved that my Dad's on the mend, grateful that my sisters respect me, and inspired that I can fill such a role. In the past calendar year I've had 2 miscarriages and 1 successful pregnancy. I'm currently 13 weeks and everything looks good with this one. I also got engaged and married. I've just had a significant year. I was depressed and overwhelmed, also excited and deliriously happy. It has been a year of extremes. I'm grateful for this baby and relieved that I can indeed carry a successful pregnancy. I'm also very grateful to my husband who has been a steadfast and supportive partner through all the ups and downs. getting a car, it has opened up my flexibility, personal life, and work schedule I moved in with the love of my life, got engaged, and got my first full-time communications job all in under a year. My life is completely different than it was at this time last year. I have had to adjust my entire lifestyle, but in a good way that has forced me to grow up in a lot of ways. Ezra's bar mitzvah was amazing. I wasn't sure how he would be at the centre of attention, but he stepped up and was an inspiring leader. When he did his dvar, he paused for laughter it was a transformation and amazing to watch. To hear all the speakers talk about him and to tell him why he was so special was incredible. I personally, was able to acknowledge that I sometimes am hard on him and got to say sorry publicly. It was fun, filled with joy laughter and tear. Loved it and I think he did too! The judgement from some factions was hard and sent me reeling. However it allowed me to go deeper into who I am and what I am wanting. It has inspired in me the desire to go further with the work that I do! Uterine cancer. Grateful to be cured. Scared it can come back. Grateful for the friends, family and community that helped during hard few months. Resentful of those around me who did not take any efforts to help me, visit, send a note, etc. The most significant experience was Evan starting work. It really affected me because it meant he was really growing up and it meant that I was really getting old and someday I wouldn't be here for him. And that just makes me cry. It makes me feel so sad and I worry about him and how he'll handle the world when I am not here. I revealed a dark secret to a counseling professional who unburdened me in a powerful way. I am grateful to her and relieved, but I can't say it's led me to live my life any differently, or think about myself differently. Perhaps, burying it for so long made exhuming it more of a non-event. When I had just about lost all hope about my life, my synagogue held an open mic, and I performed some poetry, which ultimately lead to Dan Nichols playing a song for me, encouraging me towards my dreams, calling my poetry my superpower. This focus has sustained me through hard times, and I hope will continue this year and in the future. I lost my first love. It was a relief. I was finally able to move on from a regularly hurtful, stressful and depressing situation that was bringing me little joy and made me feel bad about myself almost daily. I feel like I can be myself again. My mom fell and broke her leg. She then had an ORIF placed on her tibia. She walked on it in Grimes and it never healed. Then it got infected. She had surgery to remove all of the hardware in her knee. All of it. She spent 6 weeks on IV antibiotics and 3 months in a wheelchair. She will be in a wheelchair during my wedding. It was a really difficult experience. it is very difficult watching your parents age and having to care for them. She was very depressed for my entire wedding planning. She came around eventually, but it was a source of stress that Alana and I did not need. My father passed away. I don't believe anyone can prepare for a parent's passing, but when they go unexpectedly it's especially heartbreaking. I loved my dad with all my heart. He was my father, best friend, and idol. In many ways, we were opposites. In other ways, we are very much so alike. I am grateful that he was my father. He taught me the art of storytelling, humor, and how to think like an individual. His failures have pushed me to seek more in life. And I reaped the reward of his successes. I strive to make my dad proud everyday. I live in fear that I will let him down. Not one day goes by where I don't see his face, hear his voice, or feel his big arms around me for a hug. I don't think I'll ever be the same. Having almost lost my dad the year before this one, seeing him thrive again this year was amazing. There are still hurdles, but he is healthier than ever, and I could not be more grateful or more keenly aware of the fragility of life and those I love. I hope I am more easy with my loved ones, more forgiving of them and of myself. I hope I remember to tell them I love them as often as I can in as many ways as possible. I have always know that life can be taken in an instant, but to be lucky enough to have someone I love so dearly live through that instant a few times over, I try my best not to take the living for granted. J and I lost two pregnancies, one at 18 weeks and one at 12. How did it affect me? I don't wish on stars anymore, because it's frivolous. I have even more respect for people who go through hard things and come out still believing that the world is a good place. I learned that attributing meaning to possibly mundane things is my form of religion, while J finds comfort in randomness. I understand how to helps others through real grief now, and I know the beauty of community support be it in the form of meals, hugs, or care packages dropped on the front porch. I'm more pro-choice than ever. I gained a new kind of love, even if I don't have a child to share it with yet. I'm stronger. I'm weaker. I'm hopeful and terrified. I hope my answer to this question next year is "I gave birth." The past year has been a roller coaster ending with the death of my father, leaving just my sister and myself as the last of our family. We have a 'play nice' relationship, so the event while it should have draw us closer has made us play nice for now. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop constantly and can not wait until these events are in the past. It is like a chapter of life is ending with the death of the last parent... I got divorced. It showed me what true partnership really is and that we really did honor our promise to each other. I'm grateful for how we handled it, for what we have created, for the courage to let go, for honoring myself and my ex-husband and the universe showing me it goes better than I could ever imagine/dream it to go. I went through the trial of my friend's murderer this spring. It was supposed to happen in the fall, but got delayed multiple times. Now that it is over and he has been sentenced to life in prison, I feel a greater sense of closure now and think I can move on with my life in a way that I may not have been able to before. My youngest son (at time of telling 17) telling me he tried to kill himself when he was younger. Affected me in feeling that I failed my kids in so many ways. Caused me to feel very sad. Wanted to talk to him about it, and he wouldn't let me when I tried. Finally, for closure I wrote him an email. This helped me feel better. Months later he told me, "that long email, I didn't read it just deleted it". I don't know if he did or not. I have worked this through - past is the past. I am very available, here for my sons. He wouldn't have told me if we didn't have a good relationship now. He has thanked me for always being there for him, and loving him so.... use it to better today I have reflected greatly on the state of politics in America, and determined that in spite of what the media is reporting, the politicians accurately reflect both the American electorate and the American historical experience. I am aware that it appears frightening - but perhaps fear of failure will be a greater motivator than fear of success. Started IB. Stress, regret, absence of free time and hobbies. If 2014 was the year of great unraveling, then 2015 is the year for me to knuckle down. I don't think I have ever worked as hard as I do this year than any of the other years since I graduated from Sydney. I have RM20,000 debt to pay, I worked on the side to pay it, I have a long distance relationship to manage, and never before have I learned or forced to really take a good hard look at my mental make-up, not only because I want to succeed at my relationship with Rahul, but also because I want to strike a balance with how I'm investing my time with my family and close friends. I wasn't perfect. I wished I had more time, I wished I had more money at my disposal so I can give my nieces and nephew the experiences they deserve, spend a good time with my friends and splurge on Rahul for us to have fun when we want to. But it's okay. I learned that the joy and happiness that are found in the cracks of my imperfect life are the precious ones. Everything else is just a blip, or like Rahul likes to say, "background noise". And of course, the most significant experience that has happened in the past year has got to be choosing to love Rahul, and still choosing to love him every day until today. He is the strongest man I know and I love how we work together to make the space between the two of us always feels like home, no matter what happens. He brings out the belief in me that I'm strong and that I'm capable of bringing my best self to the game not just in our relationship, but in other areas of my life. My wife became pregnant. I was worried that we wouldn't be able to convieve or that it would take a long time but we succeeded immediately. It has without a doubt defined the past year and my wife and I have learned more about ourselves and eachother and we are getting a glimpse of how we will act as parents. Throughout the pregnancy, the most significant experience was receiving "less than ideal" test results, dealing with the implications, and eventually learning that everything was okay. I got an inkling of how important the well-being of our still unborn daugher will be, and I learned that I can be strong enough through difficulties for my wife's sake. I graduated from grad school this past year. While a seemingly unimportant experience, it has affected me so deeply in ways that I would have never thought. I am grateful to be done with the process. And although I now realize how unnecessarily painful and tortorous it is (without a purpose for being so), I also understand how it is meant to dismantle me as a human. It was meant to break me. To cause me to see myself as invaluable. As weak. As incapable of succeeding. And all because I was not allowed to do what I wanted to do. The few times I broke free from that, I shined. It was definitely a lesson in freedom. Freedom is what I seek most in my life. I'm a bird unwilling to be caged. And any experience or moment that infringes upon my freedom is one that I will no longer actively seek or tolerate. If I so happen to experience it again, then I will experience it fully in that moment so that I am reminded once more that I am free. My nephew, Joey, was born. He is precious but very, very sick and watching my sister and brother-in-law and parents go through the roller coaster of emotions, along with going through it myself, has been really, really hard. I am happy that he exists, but I wish it could be easier for them. Also, my brother got engaged and is getting married and the wedding process makes me never want to go through that. Earlier this year, I joined a band, recommended by a friend at work. The subtext to this was that she wanted to set me up on a date with a member of the band. Having been single for quite some time, with only a numerous disastrous flings or very brief relationships to my name over the past 8 years, my recent move to Oxford was partly inspired by the hope that I would be able to expand my social circle and, hopefully, meet someone. Trying new things was a big part of that, but I spent most of my first six months settling in/darting back and forth to London. It was only when I started a personal and professional development course at work that I realised I needed to take the bull by the horns, and I made going to Sol Samba an objective. I went along and by the second rehearsal, my intended fix up had invited me on a date. Six and a half months later I am grateful and inspired on almost a daily basis. Alex realised that he SHOULD be an actor. He was in everything in his first year of uni and won awards. He has changed his degree from Psychology to English & Theatre Studies. He was in the revised The Tree of War and was PHENOMENAL. His performance made me realise that it's not just mother's bias - he is incredibly talented. I was passed over for a job that I would have been perfect for. It was given to a young girl with half the experience that I would have brought to the position. It appears that the young are being promoted, recognized, and rewarded in their positions, totally excluding those in their fifties. It has opened my eyes to some harsh realities of what it means to get older in the U.S. Very sad. I got fired from a job I hated but couldn't justify quitting. I felt elated and relieved, but also rejected and depressed. I know that the job was a terrible fit for me, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like a failure. But it freed me from a bad job that made me miserable, and has opened up so many other opportunities for me. The only thing I actually miss is the money! Oh, no biggie, I just had a baby. Jakob Tobias is named after his great-grandpa Carl Tobias, who died in November 2014, about a month after we told him we were going to have a baby. Jakob was born on April 9, 2015. He is a joy to be around at five months old, very curious in the world around him, loves leaves and being outside, has gorgeous blue eyes (for the moment) and two freckles. He's a baby, so - it's a joy and a challenge like none other to care for him, being his stay-at-home mama. The milestones are bittersweet! I love to hear him talk but miss his tiny-baby gurgles; he can maneuver himself to bat at my arm in bed now, but I have to be on my guard all the time now that he's somewhat mobile. And I have to think of him first, which is still a challenge for me most of the time. I got married to my best friend and love of my life this year. We have not known each other for too long a time, but I felt that this is the closest I could ever come to saying yes to marriage. He understands me and pushes me to be a better person while at the same time being very different from me. I am grateful, I am relived. I found my partner and I did not let go. He makes me excited for the future. We got married at city hall in San Francisco at the top of the steps, right in front of the bust of Harvey Milk. Obergefell came down in favor of marriage, and 5 months later I was saying I do. There is a lot of learning about him left to do, but I have never been happier. Thought I was having heart problems. After spending the night in the hospital hooked up to machines and getting my blood drawn every, it turned out to be indigestion and stress. I found out that my parents were separating. At first I felt both angry and confused. Though I knew (and know) they will still love me and be there for me, it seemed to shatter any remaining illusions of childhood and further complicated the notion of "home." This year I told a man that I loved him, and I meant it, and he told me he did…n't. And that hurt so badly. I didn't regret telling Ari. I was bursting to tell him. I didn't want to tell him, I thought it was too soon, but that Truth was coursing through my veins, so I cautiously/excitedly let it out. He asked if I was going to break up with him (or asked me not to break up with him?) and I assured him that wasn't my plan. Why would I break up with him because he didn't love me, yet. Yet. He assured me we were on track, he just wasn't there yet. It wasn't an argument, no one was in the wrong, there was nothing to solve. It was a matter of sentiment, emotion, and finding out what love really means. And apparently a big part of it is humility. He told me he didn't love me. And that played over and over again in my mind. But he was kind to me. And I was patient. And he loved me. It has been a big year and hard to pinpoint just one significant experience! Almost exactly 12 months ago we moved into our dream home and we are loving it. There is plenty of space for Gabi to play around in and for us to entertain guests and hosts parties. In fact, her 2nd bday party is less than a month away and it's great not having to search for a party venue! We are very settled in (although the mezuzzahs still need to be put up...) and we recently added a few more touches after taking home furniture from Justin's grandparents' apartment. Especially loving their clock that chimes on the hour. It reminds Justin of his grandparent's home and it adds a sense of tranquility to our home. Apart from the house...and probably the most significant change is that I finally quit working at the uni where I was bullied for never being good enough! A year ago I started my own business and at the very beginning of January I applied for a Marketing and Communications Coordinator role at North Shore Temple Emanuel. It was a 6 month contract role* and requested the exact experience that I have. However, the ad online said that it was meant to close off at the end of December. So it might have been too late but figured it was worth going for. Long story short, I got a phone call from NSTE the day after I applied and had 2 interviews...then I had the job! I gave 6 weeks notice so that I could finish up my O Week campaign at the uni (I wanted to do what was morally right for the Student Engagement team - didn't care about my managers). So I started at NSTE at the beginning of March and haven't looked back. The team at NSTE are absolutely amazing and I get more positive feedback than I know what to do with! Very different compared to the uni where I had to take positive feedback in dribs and drabs. I've been learning lots and I have the flexibility to start later to avoid traffic and I'm not treated like a child if I need to leave early. And I have come onboard as a contractor so NSTE is my first BIG client. So I have the security of work 3 days a week and then anything else I pick up is a bonus. I have developed a great working relationship with a local graphic designer who sends me copywriting jobs and she has been doing graphic design for NSTE. And through her, I had the amazing opportunity to present for 20 minutes on how to write compelling copy at a WordPress training session in front of 8 local business owners! I'm not too focused on building up the business too much at this stage because I want to allow enough family time, but I know that I can when ready. I also undertook 6 complimentary life/business coaching phone sessions with a woman who really helped me put things into perspective when trying to establish a work/life balance. Overall, I'm extremely grateful for the past year. It's been amazing and I've really felt myself grow as a person. mother and a new business owner. Looking forward to the next 12 months! *although it has been just over 6 months since I started now and I'm still there and going strong! This last year I spent almost a month outside of North America, treking through parts of Iceland, England, and Scotland. The trip started as a way to get over and visit a very good friend of mine living in London, but became something much bigger--proof that being alone is never going to be a think that stops me. I sent myself some postcards as I went, and while some of the experience was just silly or fun, some moments I hope stay etched into my heart. Standing on a black sand beach on Iceland's south coast, looking out into the North Atlantic, for one. I've never felt (and never been) further from home, and yet, the small and powerful feeling in my chest, the feeling that I'm capable and connected and possessing a space in this world, hasn't been stronger. I think about going back at least once a day since getting home. Travel, it seems, really does stretch me and pull me in ways I don't expect it to. I'm glad to be home, but a part of me can't wait to go see more of this big wide world in which I'm just a single point. I made a decision I'd been putting off for a long time, the decision to cut a number of relatives from my life. My emotional connection to them was already dead, but I had not completely cut them from my life. I was letting them maintain ties to keep from hurting them, not wanting to seem cruel. But in the end, for my own health I decided to cut that lingering tie. I feel bad that I don't feel bad. It's just one thing I don't need to worry about, and my life has enough stress that it is a welcome change. Losing the love of my life, Steven Carroll. It has made me feel dead inside - unable to share feelings or want to engage in relationships with anyone frankly. I had a baby!! Immensely grateful. Was a struggle and I got my happy ending. It came with a very severe mastitis and more post partum depression, so I felt a little bitter that I was once again unable to experience pure happiness after a birth, but everyone is healthy now and we're fast forwarding to now! It was a hot sunny day in mid-august and I found myself faced with the same herculean task every BC High student is faced with each year: community service. Before you deem me self-centered, consider my situation. As an over privileged adolescent, I am entitled to all of the delights in life my parents provide me with. From beach days to adventures to Canobie Lake Park, all are essential. However, this hot August day was marked by a much different vibe: helping others. This taboo concept of helping someone other than myself had seemed impossible. As I found myself in the immensely warm car fidgeting to no end, en route to a day camp, this idea of caring for others was now tangible. At the YMCA summer camp I would be doing my 60 service hours at, I would be around preschool aged children from 8 am to 4 pm, every day. How fun. Cleaning vomit, accidental urinations and if I was lucky, both. In my selfish eyes, my last month of summer was going to be dreadful. And for a short time it was. However, somewhere between the attention longing tantrums and lost lunchboxes, I found understanding. Although most of the situations I found myself entangled in at summer camp were not the most inviting, some of them were. These scarce gems of fondness gave me reassurance. For every 25 moments of me wanting to rid myself of the burden of helping others, there was 1 that urged me to stay. It is in these rare moments, I realized helping others isn’t always a burden but a blessing. Although this seemingly archetypal story of a boy being changed by community service may seem worn out, it truly changed me and I am appreciative of every innocent snot-nosed preschooler I met on those hot summer days. My best friend died. He was more than just a friend, he was my soulmate. We became friends 23 years ago. I am his youngest brother's godfather. I was going to be the best man at his wedding. He was going to be the best man at my wedding. He went into a coma, and his brain started to fail. But he just didn't let go. I live in the other side of the planet. When I finally got to talk to him over the phone, I asked him to give me a last birthday present, and to finally get some rest. He was declared clinically dead 10 minutes later. I am grateful I hd the chance to tell him one last time how much he means to me. And that I know he was waiting for me before he moved on to realms we don't know. I moved to Missoula, and moved in with Zoe. What first felt like a big mistake, evolved into a miracle. I fell in love with Zoe all over again and traveled to Glacier National Park, Yellowstone, and Canada. I saw sights that felt life-changing. I saw things that everyone needs to see before they die. It was amazing and beautiful. Baby! Oh my goodness she's awesome. There have been a few significant experiences this year. One amazing thing was that I got to go on a dream trip to Croatia, Slovenia, and Bosnia, on an 8 day tour. I met some fantastic people, saw some beautiful countryside, and had an overall awesome experience. I am most grateful for this experience and especially that it was a gift, paid for by a good friend who wanted to be generous. Not such a great experience this year was losing my job unexpectedly, and having to deal with the shock and disappointment of this sudden blow. I was resentful (still am at times), but I am grateful for having the summer off and being able to have wonderful experiences with the people I love most. I got a new job! I am so grateful, relieved AND inspired that I took the leap to live a life that ensures that MY NEEDS MATTER. My trip to the UK and Belgium rises above so many of the wild and wonderful adventures I have had so far in my life. It was a perfect end to a whirlwind summer, and it propels me now into the next season of my life. Yes, I am grateful for the time, though it brought up much that will require deep processing. It showed me what life could be like when I get adequate rest, nutrition and affection. I learned just how dark some of my dark spots are, and got inspired to shine a light on them, to see how they might become hopeful, beautiful places. I spent time with my beloved, I met distant relatives who are so surprisingly like me, and I pushed my limitations on physical activity, emotional processing, and cultural flexibility. I will spend a long time figuring out what it all meant to me, and that's a good thing. I never thought I'd leave the country again - now that I finally have, I trust it will not be the last time my feet touch foreign soil and my eyes greet the faces of all the friends I haven't met yet. This past year I, I guess, officially got clean. Summer 2014 I went to IOP and went back out drinking in the winter. After a disappointing New Years, where I ended up smoking with my two closest college friends, I realized that the grass isn't greener? That I've got nothing more to lose by giving this sobriety thing a shot. So, January 2 2015 is my clean date. This whole process is what comes to mind when I think of "significant" though i'm finding it hard to wrap my head around how it's affected me. Every aspect of my life changed when I first went to rehab--how could I pinpoint what's different when everything is? My relationship with my parents took a 180. I'm not remotely as anxious nor ever do I ever feel sick anymore... I still have a desire to use sometimes, and at times I miss my friends and my old lifestyle. My job helped give me structure and I have somewhat become part of a fellowship here. I am beyond grateful--who knows where I would have ended up if I hadn't surrendered just enough to get some help. I'm also a bit resentful-- why couldn't I have held it together just a bit longer? I would have still acquired my job and maybe even would have kept some friends. Maybe even started going out and socializing in a way I was too stuck to do in college. I can't think like that though. I am an addict and it doesn't matter now what I think-I-mightwant-to-do-or-not-do about it. Just for today, right? I got the job I had been hoping to get--one I had essentially dreamed up myself. On the one hand, the process of applying for the job was utterly terrifying, and caused me to confront all my biggest doubts and fears about my ability to cope in an academic career. I am amazed and grateful that they gave me the job, and feel inspired--for the first time in about 10 years--in my job. It's a VERY positive change to have more energy and true motivation to do my job. Finally! I feel inspired to create new programs--and mainly, to inspire others to believe they can improve their skills--with support from us! I also hope to share inspiration with my team, whom I am so grateful to work with. I left my job at a decent little company to join a new company. I was promised a lot in terms of money, title and scope of responsibility and I had high hopes that this would be the career move would be my last. The owner and I discussed what I would be doing to start and what I would be doing 6 months, 12 months and years down the road. The path seemed clear and exciting. All those promises were then broken. The owner of the company hired a good friend of his to assume the bigger roles and responsibilities that were to be mine. Now, I report to this person. Adding insult to injury is the fact that this person is woefully unqualified. It is amazing how one person ( a manager) can greatly affect the way one feels about one's job. I now hate mine. It's been interesting experience though in that I can now totally see why people stay at a job and what makes people leave- and it really isn't always about the money or title or benefits - it's the people, specifically, it's the team "leader". I'm feeling pretty resentful. Hopefully, my resentment will turn to gratitude for being forced to find something where I am a better fit. I started a serious, intense, beautiful romantic relationship. I feel so blessed. It's still a struggle. It's a struggle to think I could be happy and fine and share that with someone. To be happy in a relationship. Somehow that feels strange. It's been meeting someone that surpasses my expectations of emotional maturity and ability to sense, feel, listen. Someone that pushes and asks and doesn't give up when the tough things come up. Someone who has done more to help me face and step over my "blockages", my fear of vulnerability, my shame of my feelings, more than any therapy could do. cause it was doing so in the face of someone who I was vulnerable to. I am not vulnerable in the face of a therapist. they are on my side. they won't give up. whereas a relationship, they can pull back and decide I'm too much. I've been inspired to grow beyond what I thought was doable. the first two months were so confrontational. it was beautiful but so difficult. so confronting. then it settled. we got more used to it. it wasn't such a struggle for me to open up and therefore when opening up there was no conflict when in the past there would have been. discovering just how true, how deep it runs, the truth that communication is everything. that as long as you communicate. now, however, as it's quieter, as it's not as exciting, I fear again but something completely different. I fear I'm over it. I fear I've taken what I need/want from it and will discard it. I fear I won't be able to live with it. that I'll consider it 'dull'. again the fear of happy. that he won't be so appealing as a result. that now that I've reached this other step, it all seems so far away and not as significant, that I won't remember and value this person for what they've been able to give me. that their 'shine' will wear off, but not because it's actually wearing off but just wear off in my eyes, almost like you get used to a new dazzling beautiful colour and therefore don't find it as beautiful any more. it's commonplace. so I'm blessed. I'm grateful. I'm lighter. I'm older. I'm stronger. I'm fearful. I'm suspicious. I'm scare at my own ability to sabotage my happiness. and I've gone from looking at the future with excitement for possibilities, for sharing with this person, to anticipation that I might fuck it up. After 9 months bureaucratic trouble I am now officially registered in the country I immigrated to. With all the benefits and disadvantages. Benefits mostly. It was a troublesome way until then. Often nearly lost my hope (and sometimes my temper). When I finally got the registration, I was relieved, but not as much as I thought. Because in the meantime I had to learn how to live in nowhere land. Now, I have to get settled. I am here to stay, I guess. I started my new job in Covance last October, as a medical writer. It pulled me out of the quagmire of being a pharmacist and being a bum. It also has left me financially precarious and living paycheck to paycheck. It's been challenging at times though, which I've needed, getting a beasting from an attractive French consultant over the fiddly details of a PowerPoint deck - it's made me more meticulous. It's still not creative enough though and I crave my independence like air. The people there are great, but I am the greatest in my opinion and it is for myself I am living. I'm not a slave, especially with my wage it feels like it - but I can do better. There have been so many significant experiences: Moving, getting married, and my partner getting a new job. It has been a year of incredible uncertainty and in some ways I feel all of the above: grateful - my relationship is stronger with my partner than ever before; i'm now closer to my family in a city that i love; relieved that some of the uncertainty about my partners job and where we are going ot live is finally coming to an end; resentful - only a tiny tiny bit, that I've had to maintain my job and keep us afloat financially during this last year, slightly bummed that we are not in the city where my family lives. Inspired to start a new life - a family, a house, and hopefully a new job for me. I made a choice to separate and chose me. I realized that most of my life I had been making decisions based on the "well informed and intentioned" opinions of those around me instead of following my true north. I realized that the reason I wasn't happy is that I was tying my happiness to others and more than that, I was tying it to what they envisioned for me instead of following my soul calling. It was a huge step (and scary step) to take that leap and disconnect, to do things that only made sense to me and move forward in grace, love, and courage. It makes me feel free, happy, inspired, and proud. I think this is going to be the best year yet! I have had way too much drama this year and not in the acting kind of way. I wish for the rest of the year to be less stressful. Found out my Dad was cheating on my Mum, Mum is still with Dad though why I have no clue. Had a friend dragged from work by the police because they thought he was in danger of hurting himself or someone all because of petty jealously. And then another friend is going to lose his second wife and his third child all because his wife thinks he is having sex with cosplayers including ME! I told her I look at him as my big brother and nothing more have been in a very long term relationship and am very happy. Turning 36 has felt like a huge change. I actually answered Q2 first, but I'll reiterate there what I said; I've quit drinking and started work with 2 extra jobs on top of my shitty day job. I started learning to speak up more and not care so much what people think; not be mean or an asshole, just be frank. I'm still working on it but getting there. But with the peak behind me and 40 closer than 30 now, I was in a panic. Then I said "fuck it." It's never too late in life to do what you want. Then I went to L.A. and felt a big pull to live there. Sure, why not? If I never try I'll never know and it's better than moping around saying "I wish I had tried this, boo hoo." So going to L.A. and turning 36 came together in a way that really has spoken to me. Let's do this thing. P.S. Also I quit drinking. Apparently that's like, a big deal. (It was, I just think it's funny that I forgot to note it until 5-6 after answering this question). My trip to Nepal was significant. I am grateful. I am in awe of myself as a solo traveler. My heart is touched and saddened by the earthquake that came later in the year and the devastation it brought to their lives and to their ability to make a living. It stays with me and I will stay with them I am also pleased that I took care of my body and traveled to Cuba and Mexico as a result and again made new friends and connections and opened up my heart and head to other worlds and realities. My travel is really self directed learning experiences. It's odd it seems as though we have been taught that traveling is a vacation an indulgence from the reality of daily life responsibilities, a diversion. But for me it is my school, my way of continuing to learn in life , to expand my knowledge to become wise and more compassionate. It is not my diversion but my academy for experiencing growth as a human being. And that knowledge is used for my own edification and for others as well, as I am promoting compassion for the other, empathy for the other, and understanding of our ultimate connectedness. I can also be a window for others to view these other places and people and a person to emulate, for those who might need to see a woman be strong and have the courage to strike out, to walk into the world. It is my vocation this journeying. I moved across the country last november from california to Nashville. I moved because i had cancer last spring and did my surgey & recovery in nashville & the doctors want to follow me for five years. I am very grateful to be cancer free. But i an still in recovery both emotionaly & physically from everything. Still in transition. Still finding my way and still trying to regain rhythm. It's been a hard year but I am very thankful to be alive! Getting Married. Grateful that it happened with so few complications. Motivated to do whatever comes next. A significant experience this past year was the first time I visited Grandma Laya after her stroke. I had been hearing from family about how she was doing and how she was recuperating, but it didn't fully hit me how upset and anxious I was about her until I saw her for the first time afterwards. I walked into her room in Rose Court in Maris Grove and we both just broke down and started crying and crying. I was so grateful that she was still there and able to communicate on some level, and also upset, angry and confused about what had happened to her. My work with older adults and my experiences with my grandparents both build off of each other, and I'm a better granddaughter and a better social worker for it. I am very aware of mortality and death and the frailty of old age - it's my profession. Yet when it comes to my grandparents and my parents and other family I am in a sort of denial that it can and will happen to all of us. Life is so short - the days are long but the years are short, and life can change in seconds. Appreciate life, be grateful for the people that make your life better because they will not always be around. I think the experience of my first year as a therapist has been profoundly significant. It's been such a roller coaster ride of emotions and self-confidence. It's surreal to realize the effect and impact my words have on others lives. I've had several significant experiences in the last year. The most heart shattering experience was putting Noland to sleep after a a disgusting and brave battle with cancer last year. My heart still hurts over that. Learning to let him go was a big lesson. I was grateful to him for teaching me to love him bigger, to be present to every moment because I never knew if it was my last with him and moving mountains to save him. It was one of the hardest things I've done in my life and I became stronger for caring for him. I've also been challenging myself to trust a man in love- learning how to be a partner and give and be open when I want to shrink. Owning myself in everything I've got is something I've been working on awhile and I've made some major headway around some insecurities: letting him see me bare, submitting to him, staying committed while learning I have hsv1 and trusting he would be there...It's been a big year in owning myself and trusting my gut and being present. This past week has perhaps been the most challenging week: first my wife's 87-year old father was hospitalized with an undiagnosed ailment that seems as if it could be the end, and then four days later our dog was diagnosed with bone cancer. Both experiences have left me immensely conscious of the fragility of life that we take for granted, and which I need to take for granted in order to go on living the way I do, with joy and optimism. They also both reminded me of the value of friends and family: my brother and his wife reaching out to mine while she was in the hospital to be near her dad, and the support of friends about our pet. One situation had a happy ending for now, but we all know where both situations will lead. One of my daughters was hospitalized for a week due to mental illness. It ripped me apart. I am on edge afraid it will happen again. I blame myself and yet don't know what I could have done differently. And I want my own pre-parenting life back, which can never be. The most significant event was probably meeting Courtney. She has made me so happy and I am so lucky to have her. At the same time, I do not think I am over my "selfish" streak. But maybe that is a good thing, to be a little more self-focused and a little less dependent on some overly romantic notion of relationships. My daughter graduated high school and left for college just days before Rosh Hashanah; my son graduated middle school and is now in high school. The latter one is simply an example of time passing. But the former one has affected me more deeply than I'd ever thought; I feel a sense of loss and simultaneous pride that are deeper than I coudl have imagined. The most significant experience in the past year has been my knee injury and recovery. The event itself was incredibly traumatic, to the point that I had flashbacks and anxiety for a couple months following. Thank goodness my neighbors were home and helped. Once in the ER, Dave came to comfort and be with me. It was amazing to have him there, and he even went back to my house and got some things for me before coming back and sleeping in the uncomfortable chair at my side. This experience showed me what true loyalty and selflessness is. He went to work on Monday and then came to the hospital to check me out. He slept on the floor of my room, and helped me get in and out of bed, go to the bathroom, cooked and fed me for 2 days, and then took a half-day to take me to my doctor's check up. It was incredible. After the ambulance, ER, and surgery, I remember going to physical therapy for the first time, where they taught me how to use my crutches and get down and up. The nurse said I would have to sit in the backseat of a car sideways with my leg out straight for at least 6 weeks. I tried mimicking this on a chair, and it was so difficult. I started crying because I realized how long of a road this was going to be. After traveling to my parents house and back, weening off the pain meds, and starting actual physical therapy with Erica, I gained understanding of not how lucky I was to only sustain minor injuries, but lucky to not have to be put in a more traumatic experience. I thought about soldiers coming back from war a lot. How their memories might haunt them since I was getting flashbacks from a stupid accident where I simply cut my knee over 3 months following it. How do these people continue? How much work would losing your leg or arm or having a back injury be? It all seemed like an experience meant to teach me about empathy, patience, and relinquishing control. I like to think that I have a better inclination to empathize since this experience. I might be a tiny bit more patient, but being out-of-control is still very difficult for me, and event today, as I fill this out, I realize how far I need to come with understanding that I have no control over anything, and that worrying or trying to change my situation, at least in some aspects, is futile. I still feel dumb when I think about my accident. How dumb was I do put my knees on that table, but then I think about all the amazing things that came from it. I got to see the immense love and patience my partner has, how blessed my life has been that this is the most traumatic health problem I have ever had, and the new sense of thankfulness that I can walk, and shower, and drive myself with no problems whenever I want. Crashing my bike not once but twice and getting scarped up but being generally ok. Since I just began avid cycling on a new road bike in spring and I had been cautious, what if I fall? But when I hit some loose gravel and my back wheel slid out from under me and I got scraped up but was ok I gained some confidence. Then the second time when I hit a curb while going too fast and flew off the bike and was even more scraped up--I have scars!--but ok, I felt kind of relieved. There I fell twice and I am ok. I am tougher than I thought. And now I find I don't worry so much about crashing. I am now aware of the importance of family, friends, home, and roots. In a new way I can't explain. The secret is to make my own tribe. We arrived in this area near Washington DC about 4 years ago, but I have had no luck in making friendships. The short holidays to my home town on the west coast was the only break in my profound loneliness. "Many people had been through a move like this," I told myself. "Don't be self-centered. Making sacrifices were part of a marriage." Anxiety about choosing between my tribe and my husband was a daily experience. The right thing to do, I felt, was to be a good wife and stay with him. So, I tried to find work. I tried to find volunteer opportunities. I tried to find activities. And came up empty each time. I prayed to G-d. I talked to therapists. No answers. Just a brick wall at every turn. My first and only tribe is 2500 miles away from where I'm currently living. In early spring of this year, the thought of living through another winter of snowstorms broke my spirit. So there was only one answer left: alone if necessary, I must move back to my home town. I was going to wait until fall to make the trip. Before the snow and after the heat. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Afraid of losing my marriage, afraid of hurting him, and afraid of a cross-country trip by myself, I worried. But I had no other choice. I had to go. So, I kept trying to find the right time to tell him. No good time presented itself. More anxiety. A fortunate stroke of serendipity in July of this year. First, my husband got a job offer starting in October of this year (still a month to go) IN OUR HOME TOWN. Right after that news was the email from our landlord telling us the owners are reclaiming their house for themselves. Suddenly, the plan became clear to me. G-d had always had a plan. I just didn't know. And I had received a phenomenal gift. He did for me what I could not do for myself. And I am grateful. And relieved, inspired, and filled with joy. Now, what stuff to sell and what to move... My marriage survived the biggest trauma a marriage can face. I feel hopeful and impressed how much more flexible, faithful, and forgiving I am when I lean on God. Getting engaged brings on a million different emotions. Because my mom is dealing with a lot of medical issues it was hard to tell her. I didn't want to seem supportive of her needs at the time but I was all excited. Since getting engaged in January, I've run through the list of emotions, anger, frustration, happiness, and resentment. --Anger because my best friend and maid of honor kept telling me that I would "find a better one" if we ended our engagement. I get where she is coming from after all, we were arguing quite a bit in the beginning. he wanted a long long engagement and I wanted something more reasonable. --Frustration because my fiancee would tell me one thing and then come back and say something totally different. I'm a type-A person and need to be organized and in control. He, well he is not and would rather fly by the seat of his pants. I still want to scream at him sometimes to MAKE UP HIS FRIGGEN MIND. -Happiness because of course I am happy to be moving forward with the one person that through everything I can't seem to shake. Or it should be he can't seem to shake me. We just can't shake each other, we'll go with that. --Resentment because I'm trying to figure out a budget and of course as everyone knows weddings are expense. Did you realize that traditional small wedding costs as much as a Ford Focus. A FORD FOCUS. And then you have decisions, who to cut from the list? what to cut from your day? what will it look like on a shoe string budget? should you take out a loan? But the question you forget to ask and I'm finally asking it WHAT DOES IT MATTER? I think the thing scaring me the most when I look back, there's a lot of negativity around getting married. The less I think about it the more I enjoy my time with my fiancee. I'd rather go back to that... Only if he realized that would be better, to get this whole show over so we could be happy and normal again. 2017 can't come quick enough. Honestly I'm not sure we'll make it, and sometimes I wonder if he's hoping for that. I was in a serious car accident in 2014 which has left to heal a broken neck along with herniated back discs. I have been off work since September 4. This has been a very long and painful experience. I hate to say I am resentful, however, my life has been full of constant crisis and I just feel like what is the purpose. When do I get to have fun in my life. I shouldn't complain because I truly found the love of my live. My husband has been there every step of the way with my during my accident and every small crisis since. I am truly blessed. Yet, I can't help but feel that I have earned some sort of reward. An opportunity to share my life experiences to inspire others, help them know that they can get through anything in life. My son became clean and sober. I'm grateful to God for this blessing, and pray my son can stay this way. On Tuesday after volunteering at the library, I lifted my bike onto my shoulder and started descending the dark stairs to my apartment. Foot missed a step, then the only thoughts in my head were "oh no" and "I hope I don't break anything / die." I had a few seconds to think these things while instinctively trying to keep my body as limp as possible until I found myself at the bottom of the narrow stairwell, crumpled with the bike. I was facing the direction I'd come, bike under and over me, backpack full of Safeway groceries double strapped and weighing me down like an overturned turtle. I tried to move, couldn't - the pain was too much, and I was still trying to catch my breath. Neighbor Luke opened his door a second after--warm yellow light and music streaming from inside--and looked down at the wreckage on his step. Recognition of the situation and my identity dawned on his face, and he started the questions--are you okay, did you break anything, did you break anything--I lifted a hand in lieu of responding, still out of breath. Would you like a glass of wine, he asked. Or two. I laughed, grimaced, and inquired about how his evening was faring. Better than yours (or something like that), he said, stepping over my back wheel onto the steps to proffer a hand. We extracted my body from the heap, and I noted with relief that the avocado I'd just purchased had the sense to escape my backpack and rest upon a pair of front wheel spokes. Luke had gathered my cell phone, work badge and keys that had fallen on the ground and we tried to open the laundry room door. My bike was lodged tight against it so the lock mechanism needed an assisting pull to function. Luke then spent the next half hour or so propping up my bike, searching for tools and trying to replace my wheels with his as a temporary solution (I protested, but he said he had nothing else to do since his girlfriend was trying to work inside). My back wheel was bent out of shape; the front slightly less than true. I washed the blood from my third left knuckle, changed into shorts and flip flops, and texted Hayden to replace the light bulb at the bottom of the steps. He showed up promptly with a chair and equipment, and soon after screwing in the new bulb he made a sound of surprise: the light illuminated silvery snail trails on the stair steps, previously unnoticed. I stripped off the old fender Bob from Bob's Bikes had given me and relinquished my kickstand, sick of Luke scoffing at it. His wheel ultimately didn't fit with my frame, and I was quite relieved--didn't want to have to deal with him retrieving his tires later, and I also kind of wanted someone else to see how badly the wheels had been bent. As thanks for the rescue efforts, I cut up some moon cake I'd bought with Rose in the ID for the Autumn Moon festival and shared it, then gave Luke an additional bag containing slices of red bean, lotus, and mung bean moon cake. Hayden joked about brewing breakfast cereal moonshine in the basement of the other building, and we laughed. I took a gloriously refreshing shower and went to bed that night with an ice pack on my knee. Bruises started blooming the next day and I recorded their locations as if I were working back at Dad's office-bruises on left knee, left shin, left hip, left lateral ribs, upper right posterior arm, minor lacerations on right third knuckle and bridge of nose. Better the bike than me, I thought--and good thing I was still wearing my helmet. I was grateful for Luke-incredibly lucky he'd been there to help untangle me--otherwise I would've had to wait for a resident doing her laundry. The fall and near serious injury inundated me with a renewed appreciation for life, meaningful interactions with friends and loved ones, and enjoying each moment--because it could all be taken away some evening on a Tuesday. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 7 years. I have learned that he cheated on me and I have decided to break it off. We did try to work it out but some things are just harder to gain like trust especially if you do not see each other everyday. We live 8,207 miles away from each other. I am relieved to get out of that relationship. It was not a healthy one anyway. Because of that I met my current boyfriend who is in everyway perfect. I guess life works like that sometimes. I got a new job. Overall, it's been a good move. I love the new location, I make a little more money, and the people I work among are relatively pleasant. I did a career 180 a few years back and it's been slowing going getting back to where I feel like I "should" be, in terms of money, job level, etc. It's a means to an end at this point (aiming towards more "satisfying" work), but I'm also trying to enjoy the journey so that the years don't just pass me by. I've had tremendous crisis of confidence at work. I've struggled in a job that I used to excel at and its caused me to question if it was ever my ability or if it was circumstances that made me successful. I think a large part of it is how much I don't enjoy it anymore. Odd, because I'm compensated well, I have pretty much unlimited freedom. Theoretically, I can come and go as I please, wear what I want, etc. I've now put myself in a position of expressing my dissatisfaction and set myself up for having to leave. Decided, with my partner, to have kids. Totally scared, since we are both self employed and not making a ton of money, but good to have forward pressure on my life. I feel like we will make it work out somehow, and that we have enough support networks that we won't fail as bad as we could if we didn't. This year I got engaged! We are getting married in a little less than two months. I am excited and happy. I am trying to understand how this affects me as a person... I am entering a new phase of expectations and activities. I think it will be fun. Rio! After a long and nearly traumatic arrival, with a spirited wail, he let us know he was glad to have been born. We caught the perfect spirit, said Mira-El, and he landed in the honey-pot, said Gramma Can. My heart stretched in ways I didn't know were possible as we walked irreversibly across this invisible threshold into parenthood. Annie Lamott accompanied the first months so perfectly -- your heart, she says, no longer exists only in your body. The joy, the vulnerability, the hopes....the empathy. Nothing compares. And after the long road to get here, nothing could feel sweeter.... My father passed away in February. It was after a long hardship with esophageal cancer for about one year. There was some relief in his suffering coming to an end, but it doesn't make up for him not being in my life anymore. He endured such pain, trauma and emotion. I know he thought he had so much left to do and his life was being cut short. We don't decide when we go, but I think for those who experience an illness that leads to death, God is giving you the gift of resolve. Know that you have done what you need to and others will pick up where you leave off. I'm sad that he is not here for me to talk to, to laugh with, to roll my eyes at, but I cherish his memories and am grateful for all he had to teach me. Including dying with dignity and grace is a way to show incredible strength. Not a day goes by without me honoring and missing him. I love you, Dad! Plus my friend JRM took a job in Phoenix in January. I went from seeing him every week, talking to him regularly and enjoying him being near, to him being gone. It has taken some adjustment. I think he has faired better than me. Though I know he misses me too. And Lisa C retired from Allstate. Wow. All this change. Significant people in my life, moved on. It's not that I feel alone. I'm strong and independent. It's just that I miss them. Their support. And their love. Two months ago, my mother called me "stupid." I know that this is not true, and it hurt me deeply. But because I have been an ACA member now for over a year, I was able to think rather than just react. My mother has insulted me all my life and I would get angry and defensive. I am still defensive around her but she no longer makes me angry. I am thankful for that. In my 28th year, I made the decision to move to a new campus. This felt like a much needed change, in order to renew and restore my faith in education and find a new, reinvigorated purpose for my work. When the year started in August 2014, I found lots of opportunities for growth and change. Towards the end of this school year, I found myself pursuing a new type of teaching position on the new campus. This was a class that has never been taught, and the content and objectives resonated with me so strongly, that I knew I was a good fit for the position. Now, four weeks into this position, I feel so full of hope and inspiration. I continue to know that my students are resilient and full of deep, experiential and realized knowledge. It is clear that what my students teach me and one another is the reason I am where I am, doing what I'm doing. And although I have days where I enter the "dungeon" of self-defeat and overwhelm, I know in my core, that my work has a meaningful product. My ex boyfriend cheated on me. It brought me a huge range of emotions. At first, I felt like I was physically dying for 2 weeks. I lost all motivation for everything, even to eat, to sleep, etc. After a month I was starting to feel better, because I spent time with my family over Christmas break. I was starting to think that things would eventually be alright again. I had to learn how to live as a single person again though, I had been with him almost all of my adult life. I had to learn to go from "we" to "me". In the end, now over 9 months later, I am extremely grateful that it happened. It freed me from the wrong relationship that I was so trying so hard to convince myself was right. It taught me how to handle pain, to trust my gut, it taught me to get what I want from life and to be happy in new ways. It let me meet more people and have new experiences with other guys. I am happy that he cheated, and nine months ago I never would have imagined I could say that. My work environment has descended into toxic dysfunction. I am irate that the false claims of sex discrimination and sexual harassment by two or three women were investigated, and when determined to be without merit, did not result in any meaningful consequences. I am angry that a job I really like has been ruined by a few hateful, selfcentered garbage, and that our management does nothing to live by the standards they claim to have and expect. I used to look forward to going to work, now I dread each day for whatever new outrage, false claim, manipulation or distortion it will present. My daddy passed away. So hard. I gave up a lot to be closer to him. It's been 6 1/2 months. So much self discovery resulted from dealing with this loss. A lot of healing. And learning that emotions are all ok, to not feel guilty about what I do or don't feel. I think about him still, very often, perhaps less than when he first died. So much reminds me of him and stirs up my emotions. But it also feels good to be in touch with it all. My parents have decided to sell the apartment we've had since I was born. At first, it was a scary unsettling prospect for me, since I've been living in that apartment for the past 2 years, but I began to realize what a gift it actually is for all of us. The reality of it really happening has forced me to really decide where I want the next chapter of my life to take place and called attention to the fact that I've kind of been coasting the past 2 years, living my life on sort of a default basis. It feels really good to make a decision and go towards something. It feels scary but right to admit that I'm not happy living in NYC and I don't see myself living, growing and thriving here. So I'm moving to North Carolina! I've been incubating this idea for a while now and it's kind of scary and exciting that I'm actually making it happen. I feel like I'm about to enter an entirely new chapter of my life and I'm feeling very grateful and inspired to have the time to really honor this transition and get closure before moving on. On a boat in the wilderness waters of BC this summer... sitting in a bay between a school of over 100 dolphins and the 8 orcas that were hunting them. We watched for over an hour, as the whales herded and chased the dolphins. It was beautiful, terrible and dramatic.. a sight I will never forget. I was awe-struck at the raw beauty of nature, aware of the fragility of our environment and of our lives. breaking up with my boyfriend on april 6th. its been a trust test of my strength, my friends, etc. I have gotten myself back but am still mourning him as well as many other losses in my life. i am all- grateful, resentful, hurt, happy. Realizing the immense indifference beyond me I found myself overworked and stressed out once again. I started taking things personally. But this time I saw myself doing this and was able to pull myself out of it fairly quickly. There was a lesson in this too. Hopefully I will remember going forward Our darling granddaughter was born in January. I feel so amazingly connected to her. I feel pure joy in her presence. And as our grandson has been adjusting to her, I feel that I've also been adjusting to him. I've had less patience with him as I've been dealing with my in-laws. The other major event was moving them from Florida to Baltimore. It was frustrating, exhausting, and more work than I ever could have imagined. And I'm still dealing with paperwork. And they're oblivious to the mess that their finances are in, how dirty their house was, and how much stuff we had to sort through and give away. Unbelievable. But they're settled in assisted living and being well cared for. I'm grateful and relieved for that. And now that they're five minutes away it's so much easier to deal with their needs. How curious to recognize that the event that wants to leap out for this question came on the dawn of the new year. Then the axis of everything must be the first days of May. Describe. The culmination of accumulated blindnesses. The big turning away of an iterated little turning away, turning away. The suddenness of it, the sudden dropping away of the ground beneath my feet, the roof over my head. The path before me rushing me away with an urgency. My shattered heart. My anger, my shame. The hope, the curiosity, the telos that had taken me suddenly a flimsy, imaginary thing before the immensity of its cost. I told Gabe I had cheated on her with the Jewish nonprofit complex, but I had also written: (signifier of my not-yet-enough) She invited me to speak, she was the midwife of my speaking, she asked, she heard, interlocutor, she drew forth the goldenest spark, the fire which asked for this midwife as sacrifice. How did it affect me? How did it affect me? How did it affect me? How did it affect me? How did it affect me? How did it affect me? /my life as an unfolding / response to our separation./ /if i have found what i sought, or here collected / the fragments, signifiers of beginning or / ongoingness or hope/ I didn't move to Chicago this year. I probably should have if I wanted to see how stuff could naturally progress with this guy. But I didn't, and I turned it into a test of how much he loved me. It was really hard to realize that he was still nice but not interested. Or at least more interested in his new surroundings than a vague future. I was really bitter and resentful for a long time. I couldn't walk around my hometown without running into people who asked about how he was doing. We had three dramatic stages of breakup. 1. The I need more time to think, 2. "I've never cheated before, i have to go tell her" "how the hell did i become the other woman? " amd then finally 3. He came home and only talked politics and i knew that I was done. I'm still sad sometimes.. but mostly im relieved that all that didn't happen while I was in Chicago. I went to Thailand and Laos and traveled alone through the countries. I felt proud of myself, and inspired by my surroundings. It was a refresh and made me realize how much more there was than what I normally see, or worry about, at home. I got to spend the summer in San Diego. I'm thankful for the experience because I loved it! Wow. So many significant experiences. I got engaged which made me feel ecstatic and hopeful. I planned a wedding which mostly made me feel resentful. I left a not-so-great job which felt scary and liberating. I started a new job which feels daunting but exciting. I moved back to my hometown which feels weird and comforting. And many of my friendships have changed greatly which makes me feel sad. In all of this I think I have learned how to better advocate for myself, to set good boundaries, to let things go, and to prioritize how I spend my mental energy. I hope next year is less crazy though. Our fathers failing health issues and one sides demands for our continuous visits to them without taking into consideration our schedules and the amount of money we are spending for ourselves and children to go visit. The other side of the family continues its dysfunction with a sibling that only communicates when it is to their convenience. David's back surgery in 2015; I'm grateful that the surgery alleviated his pain, but I think it somehow affected his cognitive abilities slightly. He sometimes has difficulty finding the words, or remembering what he was saying. He's aware of it, too, which is so sad. I know he's afraid of dementia, after seeing his father failing. Adam coming home. It was depressing. I'm still really hurt. I care about him very deeply, and I really enjoyed having him in my life and being in his. Other than Dave, he was my best friend. Really they were the only two friends I had. But then I suppose he was not my friend since I meant nothing to him and my loss meant less than nothing. I wish I could simply hope he was happy and would come around some day and miss me, but I cannot help but to feel as if I must never have actually known him and there never was an Adam. My loneliness is overwhelming at times. Several events occurred over the last 12 months....(2 of my sisters each had a crisis and needed me at a very personal level) but probably the most significant event has been processing my teenage son's move 650 miles a way to live with his Dad. He moved in July and has been home once since. My kids have lived with their Dad since 2009 about an hour away during the school week to go to a prestigious private school but 650 miles is much different that 50 miles. It is a little over a 10 hour drive and there are no direct flights close to the city where they moved. I have been angry with his Dad for choosing to move at this point in his son's life; taking him away from close proximity to his Mother, friends and family. It is something I have had to put aside but its still there and comes up here and there. My son made the choice to move and it was driven by sports but also in a effort to please his Dad and not anger his Dad (in my opinion). I am not angry at my son but angry that my ex-husband put my son in the position to have to choose where to live. I'm still processing but find myself having difficulty concentrating and focusing...tending to medicate with Netflix and chocolate!!! There is always hope that my son will come back. I think the most significant thing that has occurred this year is finding a strong, prophetic leadership voice in my work. It makes me angrier than I have been in the past, and encourages me to take risks with things and opinions that I wouldn't have before. It also has made me feel so strong, and loved and excited about life. It makes me feel like I am getting closer to the professional I want to be. I moved out from Jesse's. Thank God. It made me realize who's really there for me and how much I love my family and how great John and Jeff were and are. And it has made me appreciate Justin so much more for his sweetness. I feel like I'm just bouncing back and I can't believe how bad things were, how much I put up with , especially since I have been through so much already. I should have known, I should have gotten out earlier. And now I am 27 and have to fend for myself. It's jarring, but I am glad that I have these people in my life to help me through it. On October 14 our son, Camden John, was born. He was 2 months early. Like the doctors had predicted, his lungs were not developed enough to survive and we only got 45 precious minutes with him. He looked perfect! He was beautiful. And even his short life he touched so many people. I am so grateful we got to meet him alive. It was hard to say goodbye so soon but we are thankful we will have eternity with him. For us we know it is only a temporary separation and we will know him fully in eternity! Just a few months after losing Camden I found out I was pregnant again. This time with a little girl! She is due in just a few short weeks. Due the exact same week that Camden was born. God is good! Learning how to build a robot that communicate with squirrels! Grateful and the mind goes to new places! The birth of my great grand daughter. It has brought me to a different place, spiritually. She was truly a miracle baby and my grand daughter was seriously ill because of the pregnancy. I have a much deeper appreciation of my belief in everything as it relates to the Universe and to God. A reporter and her cameraman were gunned down while they were conducting a live interview. This incident was televised "Live" because the shooter was filming his actions. I have become so aware of how sickening the whole culture of guns and cameras are all about us, here in the states. It is crazy that after so many shootings of innocent people, children, this nation is still under the thumb of the NRA. It is basically insanity, that our government chooses not to protect their people, the citizens. If guns and cameras are everywhere, I am saddened to say that what we are now viewing is mankind at his worst. Due to the recent events of police brutality and black men dying, and it all being caught on camera, you would think that the nation would become one mind of helping each other, working together, getting rid of so many guns. Having an adult bat mitzvah seemed like it was a turning point for me last year. It seemed to open up opportunities on many levels. After two years of studying and classes, over the most trying two years of life, it gave me something positive to focus on. The rountine of study was a great distraction from my grief and actually helped me to process some of the grief. Being able to share this process with my husband made it more special and cemented our relationship even further. Standing up before family, friends and congregation and voicing my journey and my prayers was meaningful and empowering. It opened my soul to the seemingly impossible. Five years ago I could have never imaged being able to chant Hewbrew prayers before the congregation or to be able to survive the lost of my beloved 16 year old son. By some unseen, unknown force I blossomed that day on the bima to a strong, confident, capable and an alive Jewish woman. The greatest experience for me was that I got married to the love of my life after dating her for five year. It was a surreal experience, and I had never felt so happy and content. There are many, but I think the most significant experience is actually one I barely notice: moving in to a house with Laura, my best friend (and another roommate). It has been such a breeze to live with Laura. Part of me feels it fleeting since I know at some point it will end. What will the next steps look like? It will be like leaving family all over again. My Aunt passing away. Getting laid off from my job (while in the process of divorcing, becoming single coparent, and selling my house) was awful. So traumatic and completely unjust. However, the job I lost was horrible, and the experience prompted me to rethink my professional goals. I made a course correction that is just now starting to pay off, which has been a huge relief. Went through major work transition. Was skeptical, but all turned out OK. My father died. I can't list all of the emotions this has released, but I can say that his passing has made me even more grateful for my new role as mother to my son (he's 15 months old). The strange convergence of becoming a parent right before losing one of my own parents has made me...what? Wiser? Not exactly. Aware of every minute of every day? Yeah. That's it. I am much more aware of time passing and the importance of just being with the people I love as it does. In December, I drove out to LA with the intention of living there for the winter. After I was out there for a week, I received a call that my mom was diagnosed with cancer which turned out to be in Stage IV. I flew to Texas and lived with my parents from January through early June, when I returned home to Chicago. There is such a huge range of emotions that accompany this experience. And while fear, sadness, anxiety and a little bit of anger have been some of those emotions, mostly I feel grateful and inspired. Grateful - that I have such a loving family. I have spent way too much time feeling annoyed by them - but the truth is I am sooooo lucky that we all love each other so much. I feel grateful beyond measure that somehow I was partnered in this world with my mom as my mom. She is the most amazing, brave, kind, funny, beautiful woman I know. I feel grateful to have the type of intense appreciation that comes when you risk losing someone - and then time to express that appreciation. I feel grateful for the huge amount of support from my friends in Chicago. I have had a couple of friends disappear during this time as well - for whatever reason - and I am grateful for them too, as it has made me realize I need to look inside for strength and happiness. And while it is okay to lean on others - and good to at points in time as well - ultimately, I am responsible for my emotional well being. I am soooo inspired by my mom. She remains positive, with humor, cares about her appearance and cares about those she loves. I am in awe of her, and I feel best about myself when I am loving her and when I am trying to be like her. I joined Teach for America and moved cross county for the second time this past year. It was a crazy choice deciding to move my entire family across country again, but I knew in my gut it was the right thing to do. I am so grateful for the opportunity. I love my job despite its challenges. It is hard work and has definitely pushed me to my brink many times, however, it is rewarding in so many ways and my life has become a complete set of "flow time." My Dad died last October. The world doesn't really look right any more. My sister, mom and I forgot to eat for a while, didn't really know what was happening for a while. The world is actually a different color now I think. Sometimes less bright, other times far too bright. Since then, I've figured out how to keep moving forward, but it's a strange combination of blocking how sad I feel about it in order to keep heading forward, and feeling so sad that the world just doesn't make any sense at all. Over time I imagine it will get easier to be happy but it's still very hard right now. I was diagnosed with premenstrual exasperation of PTSD. I'm relieved because I wasn't just going crazy, sad that the war keeps finding new ways to fuck with my head, and hopeful that one day I can control it and not be out of commission for two weeks a month. In the last year, I moved from Seattle to San Francisco. I did this for a number of reasons, but a significant one was that my girlfriend was in SF. It was a big change in both my personal life and my career. So far it's been amazing and fantastic! I'm incredibly excited about this new chapter, though I do miss many things about Seattle. My daughter was born. It was life changing. I am grateful, and inspired to try really really hard at life. I feel like I fail a lot. Our apartment is messy and we can't find a home we can afford to buy. But she means the world to me and I will always keep pushing myself really hard. I just wish I could meet my aspirations. We moved to Maryland! Don't tell our families, but I think it's been good for us. We have a lot more flexibility and a lot more options. I have a super deep bond with Jonah after being home with him for over a year. If we'd stayed in Chicago I would have kept working, and never would have known that I like being a stay at home mom! i re-met a friend from 55 years ago, in a new (including romantic) way. grateful, surprised, hopeful, restored, inspired about possibilities i didn't think existed for me in this life. My brother died. It rocked my world, devastated me and broke my heart. I am relieved as my brother is no longer in pain ...I am also changed by the event- reminded to Live in the NOW. reminded that you can not give help to those who wont accept it- who are not ready. It reminds me the be mindful of others- as we don't know what each person is struggling with. Losing my job at MPI was awful. I really loved working there. They decided to make my position a full time one, knowing I wouldn't be able to continue because I also teach part time (and wouldn't give that up). They gave me another position, with another boss who I didn't get along with. It was awful. Then I took another position which didn't work out. It just wasn't a good fit (though on paper it was). Finally I found a position that I absolutely adore. I am very happy here although it's a challenge learning the way things are done. I was depressed and anxious, initially, but now I am grateful and very happy. My granddaughter Sarah, who died at the age of 2 in 2006, had a "boy friend," another 2 year old who was waiting for a liver and small bowel transplant. She was waiting for a liver transplant that never came; Vinnie received his and is now a thriving middle school student. His mom sent a picture of him to my daughter, Sarah's mom, making me realize what could have been. Vinnie's story continues; the book of Sarah's life is closed. It was a powerful reminder of the importance of organ and tissue donation; we show their photos whenever we speak for Life Sharing. Our new house and acreage has made us more grateful and thankful for all we have. Also, our daughters Jamie & Evelyn have had or will have a wedding . We are very happy for them. I passed the VCLS and Praxis II exams with flying colors, and I am starting a study program to take a second Praxis II. I'm in the running to actually achieve this goal of becoming a teacher for my "2nd act" career. I'm grateful, and relieved, and both apprehensive and eager. I know it won't be an easy job, but I will be a good teacher. Meanwhile, my age is driven home: I almost died. Twice. Once, I almost drowned (and a very nice kid made sure that didn't happen) and then I may have actually had a mini stroke. I certainly had some kind of "cerebral event" and also some kind of pseudoanuerism in my left aortic artery.. i'm getting the terms wrong. All I know is, all those headaches? they were UNgood. My blood pressure is now controlled, medically, and I'm losing weight, and I'm going to be fine. But wow. Sobering. Apparently, I'm mortal. I was headhunted to be employee #5 on a Silicon Valley-based start up as the only nontechnical member of a dream team with peers where I was grateful to be dumbest in the room. The more I learned about what we're building, the more I came to realize why everything I'd learned in the past 25 years of working, no matter how random the experience, led to this project and that I was the only person for this job. I was grateful and in awe of the pattern of my life. I walked in on my LTR cheating on me one night. I have been essentially best friends with her for 10 years, and living together for 3, and then there it was. Immediately I kicked her out. My life has been very different from that point since. It's hurtful. It sucks. In retrospect, I knew we were in the process of breaking up. I just wish she'd respected me enough not to do that. I would say I'm relieved that the relationship is over since it had to come to that, but saddened at how it ended. It would've been nice to be friends. I don't harbor any hate towards her anymore though. I've been a dick myself in the past, and in the recent enough. One significant that happened was Jenn losing the babies. It was so very hard for everyone in the family, probably Wayne most of all. I'll never forget the phone call from my dad waking me up from the nap in Theo's room during Christmas break, his voice was haunting. It brought reflection for all of us. Probably the biggest way it affected me, though, was watching what it did to Wayne. After a few months of grieving, he and Jenn chose happiness. He quit his big job and chased after his dream instead of staying safe. I'm really happy to for him. And very proud. And I'm pretty sure I need to do the same thing. It's a much smaller life change -- no moving across the country -- and yet it terrifies me. I wonder if I should just set a date and start telling people that I'm going to freelance at the start of 2016, for instance. Then I give notice at Apple in October or so for an end date of Jan 15 to take advantage of vacations. I don't know what I'd do about insurance. I'd need to investigate obamacare options. How much will it cost to keep my doctor at Stanford? For my Botox treatments? Then I could sell my car and start living a better life. My older son Zachary Benator applied to colleges and for various scholarships, graduated from high school, won the biggest band student award, won several scholarships, was hired as the high school marching band percussion teacher, moved into the dorms at and is attending GSU. I am amazed by and proud of his sccomplishments, initiative and hard work. He is a wonderful young man with a kind and loving heart, and he inspires me and awes me beyond words. He has faced every challenge he has faced with such courage. I love him so much. I'm a teacher. For the first time in almost 35 years I didn't work this summer. Even though it meant less money toward retirement, I was grateful because it meant more time to visit with my almost 90 year old father who lives 3 hours away. I got married, grew my family and began to redefine myself professionally. I'm feeling grateful, excited and anxious. 'Dumping' a friend of 15 years. I immediatley felt relieved yet I have VERY few friends and so I felt sad and a little frightened...I still feel scared that I am becoming lonlier and more alone as years go by. But I think it's true that if you can't gain anything positive from a friend and they show you that you're not important to them either you are possibly better off without them. This year has been a blur of everyday experiences, without any major moments. I was settling into being married and into my new responsibilities at work. After the big changes of the previous years (new jobs, new city, marriage), it was nice to have a relatively stable year. Getting bedbugs and lice from my now ex-bf. Nothing short of a nightmare. Every last thing in the house needed repeated washing and either exterminating or killing with Rubbing alcohol. Changing linems,and all clothes daily, never wear I ng same thing wit h out laundering or killimg in dryer. Burned out dryer took a month to get it fixed on top of that having worst lice infection ever. As of now is at least 5 mos old. Bedbugs easier to fix, but more of a pain, than the lice. Got some kind of infection in my privates, too. All from one hoarder, who also had zero commom sense, and just like his place, ignored signs on his body thst he had sonething. who gave me more tsouris than all the men I've dated in last 14 years combined. And no compassion. Got kicked outvof eork and all he colud say is 'bummer.' ¥¥¥Every night for 3+ months o slept with the lights on. Every day since April, have had this terrible itch, and every day spent at least 2-3 hours trying to treat, going to laundromat, extra wash at home, not slept with pillow since mid April. everything is still in plastic, containers or bags. Even had to go to doc on R.H. but did write check before holiday began. Got new prescription and so far, it may be gelping, is just too soon to tell. That's how it affected me. Plus now no time for a b y thing or one. Less than 6 hr sleep most nights. And shying away from more online dating. More alone than ever as no time to maintain friendship s either. No grateful nor happy. Relieved the bugs are mostly behind us, bedbugs gone almost 2 mos. Now just the lice. Not resentful wither. Just being in moment and dealing. Do want financial compensation when all done. Long term not sure how will affect me except that am far more hesitant to want to touch anyone fearing they will give me another 'gift' I don't ever want again. Can this experience inspire me? Hmmm, good question. Maybe to see that what I want in a man is again needing revision. Cleanliness next to godliness. Amen. I got into graduate school, which uprooted my entire life and landed me on the other side of the country. Uprooted sounds harsh. I like it here. Granted it's only been two months but I feel comfortable here. I'm not itching to go back to New York or anywhere else. I'm happy, consistently and genuinely. I can't think of one particular experience. Oh..I got married. it made me feel inspired My 15yo daughter decided within 3 days to switch to a completely independent high school program. I am excited for her, but it freaked me out for her to be suddenly on her own, taking buses around the county, all day every day! I realized that I'd been counting on her being safely locked away in school for a few more years. All of a sudden, she's taking off into a world of her own creation. And she's ready for it. I trust her, but it took me completely by surprise, and I'm still adjusting to the change. She is totally blossoming, doing a thousand things on her own, and I'm totally inspired by her incredible growth. My son was hospitalized twice for depression and anxiety. It has beaten and drained us all. We are floundering and struggling and I don't know how or even if we can recover and move forward. the loss of two close relatives...two of my aunts died during this past summer. It was a sad reminder that my parents - and other family members - aren't getting any younger. It also reminded me of my own mortality. This year, I started a new job, which has been transformative. For my psyche, I feel fufilled, proud and valued. For my self-worth, as I accomplished a lot, alreayd in 6 months. And, to feel like my work, although it's still work, has meaning. I moved from Los Angeles to Naples Florida. It has so far been the best decision I have ever made. I'm happy and healthy and totally excited about life. I love my job and I love being near mom and dad. Naples is like paradise. In the past year I had my first run-in with the Rabbinate and found out that I have to go through a "confirmation process" to fix my status - to ensure that there can be no doubt of my Jewishness. In the beginning it nearly killed me. I would go to the program's classes, and just come home and weep uncontrollably. It's brought up the biggest mix of emotions for me, and it still continues to - probably for the rest of my life it will. At first (and still to some point) there was the most immense amount of resentment. To sit in front of Orthodox rabbis that represent the State of Israel (both Rabbi. Y and the Beit Din at my first official meeting) and to have them write down on my official file that I am already Jewish, but still have to go through the process is beyond bizarre. It feels as though I am stuck in some Wes Anderson film or something - where all the answers are in plain sight, however the protagonist must still go through some existentialist journey in order to carry on some quirky plot that has been written for him. After a few months, my resentment, anger, and misery started to melt away into feelings of peace. In the midst of all the pain and confusion, I have been lucky to meet some very beautiful souls whom are also on this confusing journey. Am I grateful, relieved, or inspired? Time will tell. However, I can say that I think I am finally starting to find my footing, and I have fallen in love with the learning. Having already been brought up and raised in the Orthodox community (all part of why this stings so sharply to be have my identity questioned), I am familiar with so much of the material already, but I'm finding that there are many gaps in my knowledge... Certainly I know WHAT I am supposed to do, but do I know the basis of the law behind it? Not always, and I am growing quite hooked to collecting and shelving as much knowledge I can get my hands on - like a sponge, as it feels to me. I will say that I am relieved I am already this far in the process, however I will only be truly relieved when I go to the mikveh, and "dunk" without a blessing. Inspired... I am, in some ways. I left the religious world after a bad interaction with a religious friend who hurt me so badly, that it shook me to the core and made me question my community. I think that the learning and new community that I am finding is inspiring me to come back to halacha on my own terms. New terms, certainly that which is laid out by halacha, but now which is dictated by someone who wishes to abuse me as before. We'll see where this all leads as it is still a work in progress. As of writing this (September 19th, 2015) I am about five months in with potentially up to five more months to go. I was engaged in and completed a terribly draining custody battle with my ex-partner. It was a terrible year that begin with begin denied access to a local Montessori for my son when my ex blocked it in court to getting new lawyer and beginning a lengthy process of meeting with a home evaluator, having to stop counseling for my son secondary to coaching, 15 Thousand dollars in legal fees, and much anguish over my son's and my future. I am saddened that my ex could not do anything but battle and the I am still in a place with her that we cannot speak easily- This year, however, I did discover that some people simply cannot resolve these problems without pain an suffering and anger- I wish it could be different - but I have learned that sometimes you just have to move forward with the best intentions and hope others will do the same Honestly I can't remember the past year. I had a horrible class with Rob that sent me spiraling into self-doubt around my art. I've never been closer to an "I give up" in my life. The current stress of the sick (and dead) cats, the house sell, Angeline leaving me high and dry, the ex husband's new BABY and the backslide in healing, and my Mom's cancer diagnosis is a heavy, heavy burden. I'm answering this question mostly in the hopes that when I read it a year from now I can see how much things have changed and how deep my rock bottom was. When my husband recovered from his back surgeries last year, we chose to buy a house. After months of searching, we found something very special and are looking forward to closing in a couple of months, so we can finally make our home. After 30 years of marriage, I separated from my husband. It has taken a long time to finally accept the fact that living separately is better for each of us. I am grateful that there was little drama and that we are able to discuss things in a mature, civil manner. I am especially grateful that by the grace of God I was able to find caring people to provide me with respite during this time and in turn, be able to do for them in their time of need. Yes, relieved and more rested now. Trying to avoid thoughts of resentment choosing to stay focused on present, future and the many blessings I do possess. Inspired to ask for help when I feel overwhelmed as the answers and solutions do miraculously occur. There were a lot of significant experiences this year. I left Australia, I moved to Boston, I survived my first "real" winter, I let myself feel lonely, I started new, I started taking my health seriously, I sort of quit/got fired, I traveled with no purpose and I had to figure out what was next (I still don't know and am currently still weathering that journey). If I had to pick the most significant experience it would be feeling lonely and becoming okay with that emotion. One year ago I would have hated being stuck in a room by myself for days on end, and now - although I still find it challenging at times and don't necessarily prefer it - I am okay with it. Sometimes I do actually prefer it. Maybe I'm growing up or maybe I'm just getting boring. Either way, it was definitely something I needed to do. Mom passed away. Grateful for her life, her love, her service to others. Her. Glad she is not in pain any more. I moved the answer about getting married to the third day, about a milestone in my family. It's hard to think about other significant experiences this year! When I read my answers from last year, I realize that I was very clear that I would be leaving my job before the Holidays came again - which I didn't. In some ways it was inertia, but along the way I did make choices to stay. And the year has been very good, particularly in terms of getting to work with two new staff members who I really enjoy. There's a small part of me that feels disappointed that I didn't follow that plan, or maybe just surprised that I had felt so clear at some point. I am less clear now. Attended a Women On The Frontlines Conference in March that changed my spiritual (walk) life for the better. Very grateful. On a journey to know Jesus better and how to give more of my life & service to HIM. Yes, Inspired. The most significant of things has happened since last year. I have met, fallen in love with, and got engaged to the man I'm going to marry. I can't quite believe it, certainly wouldn't have bet on it at all, certainly in my state of slightly sad singleness this time last year. Anthony has really turned my life upside-down, and just feels so right. I feel immensely grateful, lucky, in love, and often too lucky - as if surely it's high time for something terrible to happen to us, it just feels so good...?! We're terribly young for it, but the family have come round to it, and friends are following, and this time next year we'll be married. I'm more excited than I can say, and can't believe that I've been lucky enough to find the love of my life, so why not hold on tight? I don't think that there has been one significant event that has made me step back and say 'wow' or give me the motivation to reasses what I'm doing. Instead I believe that this year as a whole has been just what I needed to grow in myself and give me what I need. I submitted my thesis only a few weeks ago. It's a huge moment and one I've been working towards directly for the past 3 years and sort of indirectly for most of my life. It felt really good and I'm really proud of myself. But at the moment, just a few weeks after submitting, I feel a kind of hole in my life because it's done. So at the moment I feel kind of adrift. I know what comes next - job, research, other life stuff - but I miss my thesis. I really enjoyed working on it and feeling like I had that big goal to aspire to, but now it's over. I'm really happy I did it; I feel so proud of myself and so relieved, but I'm still coping with it being over. Visiting both my adult children and watching them navigate the world inspires me. I'm so grateful to be a mom. Finally, getting in a master´s. Of course, I am grateful to my mentor and to the one that accepted me in his lab. Now I feel busy. Christmas this last year was not fun. We visited family, and while my sisters claim to want to see the kids, mostly they were just irritated by them and wanted me to spend time with them (the sisters) without the little kids. This was a big conflict for me, and made me pretty resentful. I could not win in this situation. It made my husband pretty resentful, too, and he's already slightly uncomfortable with my family. Thanksgiving was better, his family is very welcoming and did not get ticked off because I spent time taking care of my kids. I played in a live combat-simulation with several thousand people. I didn't feel particularly effective, but others who were present said I was actually very good. It was strange to realize that I didn't recognize my own level of competence. I'm inspired to expand my skills and work even harder. This year has been full of significant experiences -- and several of them took place in the same month. I graduated from the Kennedy School, got offered a job on the Hillary campaign and got engaged -- all within a few weeks. I mostly felt - and still feel excited about the future. I love that I'm suddenly un-stuck. Another incredible experience was my trip to Thailand. I've never been somewhere quite so different from the U.S. and I enjoyed every minute of the trip. I have lived an entire year without any significant experiences. Nothing at all except the daily grind and the daily worry about the future. My eldest daughter was diagnosed with anorexia and at the same time I have to take my ex-husband back to court to fight for child support. I was sad, afraid and overwhelmed for my daughter. For months I had seen her become increasingly sad and losing too much weight. Her father said that "I work with women who are anorexic and our daughter is nothing like them." It took months for me to finally coral her into seeing her pediatrician and having her agree with me that this was a serious condition. She's now being treated and has returned to college. I'm guardedly optimistic and hopeful for her future. My mother died. I am relieved. It's not what one's meant to say, but she had been suffering from what was clearly dementia for at least two years, getting steadily worse, although the psychiatrist etc refused to say more than 'mild cognitive impairment' until near the end - she fooled them with her middle class accent and good vocabulary and general pleasant demeanour, which hid the paranoia, extreme unpleasantness, total confusion, etc etc that everyone else suffered from her. She told me every day for a year that she wanted to be dead. So I think it was a relief for her as well as for me and my siblings. But of course it is significant that I am now the oldest surviving member of my family, that both my parents are dead, and that the relationship I had with my mother cannot any longer have any possibility of improvement. I fell in love with a woman who I thought was just a friend for me. She had migrated to another country and has been gone for over a year already and have not seen each other for that time. However, we still keep in touch. And when she said she found someone, it was then I knew, she was the one. There are no specific expirences. I'm just grateful that I'm alive and healthy and have a great family. Everyone has to thank whoever is above us, even if your having a shi### day, just be thankful for the little things that surround you and take note of it. I slept with a friend. Not for the first time...this has been a long standing affair. But I thought I was pregnant, and I freaked out, and we might not ever be friends again. I don't regret anything, though. If he couldn't even handle that, there is no place for him in my life. The biggest event that's happen to me this year is that my parents have disowned me and I can't explain what a relief that is. After years of trying to live up to there expectations I have finally given up. I am 100 times more happier and self confident that I have been in a long time. So now my family is my husband and Charlie (my pup) Getting laid off? And then finding a new job. Moving in with my Dad for the first time in my life. Buying a car! Finally had to succumb and be full blow adult with that one. All of it was stressful, but so far it's going well. My son, my only son and only grandson to carry my father's last name was born on May 8, 2015. As with most major life events, I've gone through a number of emotions leading up to his birth, the day he was born, and now as I answer this question given a few months with him as a part of my life. Right now I feel an overwhelming sense of disappointment in my life. I would have loved to have been able to greet my son with much more than I am, today; maybe my business ventures would have succeeded...maybe I would have had been more "organized" at home...I KNOW I could have done "more" the first time I met Caleb. My health. Oh, my health. I am grateful to generally be okay after countless doctor appointments and tests, but it is a process. I switched careers because of my chronic pain and depression that slowly came about during this past year. My family and friends have been nothing but supportive. Just recently a friend has helped me feel kick-started back into my journey of yoga and my healthy lifestyle. I am so grateful and inspired. I have such positive thoughts for my future at the moment- I hope that big changes are coming my way- I just know that I, myself, have to take steps to make them happen! My father fell and almost died. I had been very disconnected from him and felt abandoned. I dropped everything to be with him and helped him through the worst. It became my goal to mend things and then his wife interfered and made it difficult for my siblings to stay involved in his care. I am grateful he is alive but I hate her and it bothers me how she treats him and us. He showed to me that love is blind. I have not known such hate and I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I experienced an amazing havdallah service, dancing around a bonfire at Isabella Freedman. It felt like such a moment of peace and contentment like I hadn't felt before. I felt like I was exactly in the right place at the right time, both in that moment and in my life in general. I tried to bring that feeling back with me. My dance troupe went through a significant contraction in size and participation this year. It was mostly due to my decision to walk away from an annual festival gig that all my dancers really wanted to attend. I am resentful, relieved, and surprisingly inspired. My father going to the hospital for dialysis. For the first time in a long time I thought I was going to lose him. I'm still afraid. A significant experience that has happened in the past year was the realization that I'm responsible for my own health and well-being. I knew this before, but it started sinking in more over the past year. I started making exercise a priority during my week and I can't believe how much of a difference it makes at the end of the really hard and long days. I'm still at my full-time job and that has been a constantly evolving adventure. In addition to the exercise, I also made a decision to cut back on my schedule and taking time to relax. I am not teaching twice a week, just once a week and thus far the experience has been positive. I hope to move into transitioning into a more simple schedule but we will see what the future holds. The change in my mind set has been refreshing. I know I push myself to my limits and this past year has been a challenge to get up and find the motivation. It seems just taking one day at a time will have to be the plan for now. Last year, just before Rosh Hashanah, my dad passed away. I was looking at my responses from last year and they were short and angry and bitter. No other experience in my life so far has had that kind of tremendous impact on me. Losing a parent is one of the most disorienting things that can happen. I found that all at the same time, I was confused and had clarity. I had wanted to save money for a downpayment and right now, I'm typing from my own condo because i needed a place to nest. It feels amazing! I also got rid of those relationships in my life that were taking more out of me than giving, I have simply refused to spend time chasing people who do not want to invest in me. I miss my dad more than I ever thought I would but I think he's watching out for me and helping me from heaven. I got married! Biggest life experience since moving back to the East Coast. The process of planning a wedding was at times overwhelming, okay, really ensuring we could afford it was the most overwhelming. We learned a lot about saving money and how to prioritize our most desired wedding aspects. I love how my husband got really involved in the process inuding the numerous trips to the craft store. He even created one of our ceremony pieces and our cake topper. For the most part everything went smoothly. We had our hiccups but really those turned out to be some of the moments we still speak about. The day was perfect! The love and joy we felt from our family and friends is a feeling I will NEVER forget. We felt incredibly humble and grateful as we read through each and every one of our wedding cards...the night of our wedding. Not that I needed it, but to have the most important people in our lives be so incredibly overjoyed and supportive of my husband and I is amazing. No regrets. Becoming a BNI member has given me great experience. Became more organised. Yes I think one major experience I've had is the recurring theme with my sister and her family. They behave so badly, so inappropriately. I feel like they take advantage of my generosity, with an attitude of entitlement. And then a coworker of mine passed away. And the usual calls of condolences came, reminding us all to resolve problems between us, to be current and present with each other as possible, and even love more than we thought we could. But my family is so destructive, and there are no words that will change the situation and I can only keep a decent boundary. I'm not ready to end the relationship, but I"m also not ready to have a heart-to-heart as it's just not worth the heartache. So I remain unreconciled (in the way the evangelicals use the term) with them, with discord and distrust between us. And I see no path to peace or peacefulness. It is a cognitive dissonance that is hard to live with. I guess I am grateful to know the situation, grateful for relationships that are not disfunction. I am resigned, and therefore relieved of burden. But I'm also sad I don' have the close relationship I desire, so I resent their personal problems. I'm definitely inspired to ensure my child can build strong and healthy relationships. I went with Michael to finish his registration at Scarlet Oaks. It was really special for a couple of reasons. He was excited to start school there, excited to start the welding program, and excited to have me excited about what he is doing. I'm really pleased to see how he is reacting to this change. It really tells me that this was the right move for him. A lot of us have preconceived ideas about what our kids might turn out to be one day...a doctor, lawyer, rabbi (God forbid), teacher. I don't think I had in mind that Michael would be a welder. It was easy to come to the idea but I wasn't sure I would ever be comfortable with it. Now I am. I know it is the right path for him. I think that is about the most we can ever expect from life, to be on the right path and know it. The worst comes from trying to live the wrong life, travel the wrong path, for all the wrong reasons. There usually isn't any happiness in that. I always said that the core of what I wanted for my children is that they be happy. This is a step along that way for Michael. I am grateful for this. Whenever I say , I always say it with extra intention. I think it is important to be thankful for the things we have and know that all we have is by the grace of God. Michael is at the top of the list of things for which I am thankful. A person I thought was reasonably trustworthy was not at all, I feel it will be difficult to work with this person in the future. Additionally, my boss likes me alot more than I thought. I've discovered too, that I have a pretty uneventful life. Hmmm, I'm not sure how I feel about this> I made a very close friend. Someone who I though would be a lifelong friend. But now, after about a year we no longer speak. Something in both of us changed, and the connection was no longer there. I have no ill will towards him, and he has none towards me, but this experience showed me how different things, and people can be as time goes on. A court order concerning my daughter was changed to where I could only have supervised visitation for no more than three hours a week at the rate of $20 an hour. It greatly reduced the time that I got to spend with my daughter and so I hired a lawyer and have spent thousands of dollars fighting it in an effort to have it changed. It has affected me in two ways. The first way is that it has made me despise my daughter's mother and made me realize how selfish and careless she is towards my relationship with my daughter. She does not think my daughter needs to have a relationship with me at all. The second way is that it has made me much more appreciative of the time that I do get to spend with my daughter and how precious it was, and fortunate I had been, to be able to spend more time with her and go and do whatever we wanted before the court order. I was asked to work with the primary-school aged children in my church. I was taken aback, because I have been working with the choir and was happy to stay there. I was surprised and weirdly peaceful about this. I also feel inspired to do my best and trust that God will support me. I have been seriously ill for the first time in my life and the situation has dragged on for months. This is a new experience for me and it has affected my attitudes about health, suffering, medicine, medical staffs, hospitals. My attitude about medical staffs and hospitals has improved dramatically as I experienced how hard they worked and how kind they were when dealing with my situation. I have learned that I can go on with my life and still do a number of things at a reduced or less intense level and still have the enjoyment of life. Starting my own business. Feel like I'm now charged with a mission, so maybe the word is "purposeful" Or "accountable." My son growing up. I know it's not 1 experience, but a continual process, but it is a huge change that continues to change everything. Learning to walk, starting to talk, he's really becoming his own little person now. There are a few things I miss about him being a baby, but mostly I'm excited to see who he becomes. I moved jobs. Ultimately I am grateful as I believe I am at a healthier organization in which I can find a better life/work balance. Yet I do question my need to leave my last job. I have a restless spirit that tends to think everything will be better at the next thing, next org, next person, instead of appreciating and celebrating what I have After canceling my trip to India for him and waiting around in Oregon all fall for him, I broke up with my boyfriend and moved halfway across the country without him, rather than with him as planned. It was particularly dramatic because, although I had been quite miserable in the weeks leading up to the move, I couldn't bring myself to break up with him until the last minute - the day before the move. The car was packed. I had to unpack some of my stuff from it. I had to pick up my boyfriend's stuff from my room and put it in the car while he followed me around crying and pleading with me. He asked me several times if I was absolutely sure. Fortunately, I was, or I don't think I could have done it. Although this experience turned out for the best, it still scares me because it could have been so bad, so much worse, if he had come with me. I can't believe I let myself get so stuck in a situation that was so inimical to my being. He wasn't a good fit for me at all. The fact that I let the situation develop like that in the first place still frightens me. That said, the feeling of relief and freedom when I reached my new city was so profound. Every day for at least two months, I woke up extraordinarily grateful for my life - grateful to be alive, grateful to be able to do whatever I wanted to do without having to consult anybody else, grateful to have my own life, grateful to be on my own. I found myself thanking God fervently even though I wasn't so sure about God. I think this experience helped me grow and be myself. It also helped me realize how just how much I value my personal freedom and need to be with someone who complements that side of my personality. My miscarriage. I am sad. Just deeply, and totally sad. My heart has never broken like this before. In the past year, it seems that there has been an increase in cruelty and murder around the world in the name of closely held beliefs and religion. It has been discouraging and indeed horrifying. I simply cannot wrap my head around the level of hopelessness and cruelty that can inspire human beings to commit such attrocities. At the same time, I remind myself that the world is filled with moments of grace and kindness. As my writing mentor said at our writing retreat this year, she keeps a saying on her desk so that she can see it at all times, "be kind, be kind, be kind." My darling daughter made a fresh start in a brand new school and had an amazing beginning -- immediately made new friends, joined new groups, excelled in large classes which for the first time were grouped by ability. Took her quite a bit longer to warm up to idea of being classified and in program, but did show signs of improvement in developing therapeutic relationship with adult before she was considered sufficiently self-reliant to transition into the full mainstream program as a tuition student. Unfortunately, not long afterwards she stumbled with strep, then stomach issues, and did not return for the conclusion of the year. It was distressing - and a sobering reminder that as hard as she works, she has areas which need far more support than she appreciates. I felt that my enthusiasm was chastened -- and I can be thankful for her incredible strengths while needing to remain vigilant to her needs. This may not eventually prove to be very significant, but it was very intense and is recent enough to stand out in my mind from the rest of the year. On my return from five weeks in India, E met me at the airport and we drove together to a country house hotel in a beautiful Highland setting for a reunion night, only our second night together. We drank a glass of wine together on the terrace, went to our room, shared a bath, and made love. After dinner we went to bed. I was exhausted after a 25-hour journey and slept strangely and loudly. E couldn't sleep, so she asked me to play the Scarlatti sonatas again. At 12:30 I awoke. Scarlatti was still playing loudly, but the bed was empty: she was gone. I was seized by panic – the worst I can remember. I phoned her immediately; she was still on her way home. To my astonishment she answered, and pulled off the road to talk. I paced up and down the hotel car park, frantically pleading with her to return. She agreed, and I waited for her, calmer, gazing up at the night sky blazing with stars. We went back to bed, slept well, and in the morning talked for a long time. But nothing was the same. In the afternoon she sent me a text: "Sorry it didn't work out. See you around no doubt. xxxxE" Ten days later. We met today, and talked, and hugged, and kissed, and promised to write and try to understand one another and ourselves, and see what happens. 10Q asks: how did it affect me? Well, I'm glad in a way to have lived through it: it felt like the very worst thing that could have happened to me, but I survived it. If it's true that "whatever does not kill us makes us strong", I should be a great deal stronger. Also, I think I understand a little more how the history and assumptions that I brought to our relationship rang such strong warning bells for her. It's a very uncertain future – but then it always was. The difference is that I know that now. We started our farm and I became a small business owner. It has stressed me out to an unhealthy degree, which has made me realize that I need to deal with my anxiety to keep this business going. The entire year trying to conceive has been very significant. It's effected my entire mood, a feeling of limbo, not knowing what to expect. Feeling like I'm falling behind in life and losing years. It completely had a hold over my every move, whether I knew it out not. The process of ivf was both amazing and difficult. It was our science experiment. I'm totally grateful we have the option here and it's free and we live in a day in age where there is technology to bring life into the world like this. And now we are just 7 weeks and we saw the heartbeat yesterday for the first time. I'm excited and thankful. I'm a also so scared. Will it stay? What if I exert myself too much? So many questions in my mind. And then the idea of hopefully being a mother next year! Holy shit! So yeah, that was the most significant thing. deciding to not go to israel, then deciding to stay in france... living in paris for three months... going back to new york... going back to france... living with annette and jean... meeting peter... living with elke... CELTA... picking back up on CAT PLANET... i feel after all of this, that i am exhausted... but inspired, and even more determined to follow my bliss and not be constrained to what i feel i "should" be doing to find it. i want to travel more, i want to learn more, i want to create more. and i want to want more. i want to learn to be calmer. i want to learn to release control more. yes. i am grateful. i am so grateful for this year. Well, I suppose the significant experience is fairly recent - my diagnosis with depression. It happened very slowly - I didn't notice what had happened for a long time. I suppose that's how depression works: you don't think 'I'm depressed', you just think that's how the world is - that you are a worthless person and that everything is difficult. But once I realised what had happened - which was back in July - it got harder for a while. I realised how bad things were, and I found myself in some dark places. Luke made an appointment for me to see the doctor, who was lovely. Really reassuring and supportive. I have recently started on medication, which after a shaky start, seems to have helped a great deal. So, how was I affected? I am grateful, yes. Grateful that I have the support of a wonderful husband, loving friends, and access to a great doctor and medication through the NHS. Relieved, yes - I am starting to feel like myself again and that is a good feeling. I am resentful at what I've lost and what I allowed myself to lose sight of, I suppose - the things I stopped doing, the self-sabotage, the disconnection. Resentful may be the wrong word, as it's nobody's fault - 'regretful', maybe. And I am hopeful. Hopeful I can reclaim myself and move forward, counting my blessings and repaying my debts to the wonderful people who have supported me. Had my 3rd baby, and after a terrifying pregnancy the birth was great. Still working out issues from the time before, but I feel better. After close to a year of separation from Linda I met and got romantically involved with Karen. It was very confusing, difficult, exciting... to find myself in a dating situation and to go through the attraction phase and the being romantic and physical with another woman. I couldn't figure out how to kiss her. I was attracted and wanted to but had completely forgotten how to do that....I guess I never really knew how to do that! It was exciting and really sad at the same time. My grandfather died in April. It was a sad day for me. I was grateful that he was not suffering anymore when he passed away. He had lost the will to live a while ago and I felt as if he was running on auto pilot. A lot of the joy from his life had been taken away from him over the years of his life. He was a great man who taught me a lot about how one can not speak many works say a great many things with your actions. I will miss him a great deal. I can think of 2 siginificant experiences that affected me deeply this year. The first one is the fact that I started going to Therapy every week. That changed my whole life for the better. For the first time in my life I started taking care of the monsters of my past. I never discussed my inner, most secret feelings with someone else and that changed my from the inside out. The second is the fact that I felt for someone for the first time. I finally felt what it's like to have feelings for someone else. I am grateful for the experience but at the same time it was painful and affected me in various ways. I am still recovering from it but I don't regret it. I was diagnosed with breast cancer, which caused the death of my mother 19 years ago. I thought I was prepared for this experience, and in fact I half expected to be diagnosed with cancer sometime. The experience was much larger than anticipated and had huge effects on every aspect of my life: physical, emotional, cognitive, spiritual. I have not yet fully processed it al. I am grateful and relieved, but also acutely aware (again) of the fragility of life, and the miracle that we are here at all. I can't think of anything significant in this year except my resolve to move forward. The plan for the future is in place if still nebulous. To move forward and prepare for what comes after retirement. I got a new job. Better money, set schedule, better benefits. Honestly, I kind of still can't believe it. I'm a college dropout and I have a job that, in theory, requires a degree to get an interview. I worried a bit that it was nepotism, but as it's gone on I feel... more comfortable at it and I'm getting better at it, I think. Alberto proposed!! I knew he was the man I wanted to marry and it was a matter of time, but it does not make it less special. I am excited to start my life with him as a Boquin. Gulp, yes i decided to take his name because it is really important to him. I lost my home and my dog in a house fire in January just a few days after New Year's Eve. I left the house for an hour an a half and came home to a smoke filled house. I lost nearly everything. Of everything I lost, I just wish I could have been there to save my faithful pup. The days and weeks after the fire left me feeling devastated. But between friends and family and even strangers, so many rallied together to help me rebuild slowly. I can't find the energy to go into much detail, as this is still a really painful thing to talk about, but I am grateful I wasn't harmed and that I had help and places to stay in the interim. The support I got when I felt completely helpless was something I will never forget. It serves as a reminder that there are still many good people in the world who will help someone when they need it. Besides this, some of my personal relationships shifted with people. Some ended, some became stronger. Some repaired. It's been a year of constant change, but I guess that's one of the few constants in life: change. Well I didn't too much this year except go to South Africa. It's actually pretty confusing to reflect on the past year because of the double summer situation. It's also hard to narrow down the entire semester to one or two experiences. Or to generalize the whole semester. It was absolutely incredible to be there and to really get to know the place. I learned so much about the country that I could not have learned in books. I feel very grateful to have gotten to go there and proud that I picked it. I'm happy that I handled that decision, which was a pretty big one, on my own. It gives me confidence looking toward this year that I will be able to make good decisions about where to take my life after graduation. I also definitely had my difficulties with the experience but I'm trying not to focus on those regrets because they really don't outweigh the beautiful experience that Cape Town study abroad was for me. It has made being back on campus weird and occasionally unenjoyable so I can end up resentful but I have been able to push through that a lot. Tim and I decided to go and live internationally. We've begun to apply to schools. I feel so excited to have such an incredible opportunity to even consider something like this. There were several big events in the last year. I think the biggest one was really getting my new job. That has really changed things around for me. I love work now I feel passionate but that also comes with its own stuff. When you are so attached to work and you don't feel like you have preformed as well, then it feels more like a personal failure than a professional one. I really struggle with oscillating between feeling like I am on the top of the world with this job and feeling low. And it takes seconds to make that shift. At the moment that I am writing this I just hit a down swing to that is why I am writing about it. But the position has really changed my life in DC. I turned forty years old this past year. It was great. When I turned thirty-nine the year prior, I took it very hard. I had come to the realization that I was not where I wanted to be personally, professionally, and in my relationships. I threw myself a party with lots of people and a bartender. I advanced in my career in many ways including being an oncology certified nurse, becoming a three on the clinical ladder, and have had multiple public speaking opportunities. I've made some great friends and feel stronger and more independent and confident in myself. My personal affects that I left behind in the house I shared with my ex partner was returned to me. It was a psychological as well as a physical milestone in bringing closure to that relationship. I developed a crippling case of sciatica, humbling me and making me stop my frantic life and take time to care for myself. I can't think of a single experience that I would characterize as significant above all others... there were several that affected me - mostly in small ways, and I was at various times grateful, relieved, resentful, and inspired. Mostly, I'm grateful... This past year, my little nephew was born. He's 4.5 months old now. He is so adorable and so special. It has been amazing having this new life in our family, and he brings us so much joy and hope in everything. It has also been really interesting seeing my brother and sister-in-law transition into parenthood. They had some bumps (as everyone does), but they are doing a good job and are really falling into their roles. Also this year, my Grandpa passed away. We knew it was coming, but it was still really hard, especially on my dad. Luckily, my grandmother has been recovering really well and is starting to really love her new life as an unattached, older woman in an assisted living facility. She has lots of freedom, and loves to spend time with family. Seeing her singing to my nephew in Yiddish was probably one of the most amazing things I've seen. There were a few other babied born in my family this year, so it was a really good year for really seeing and internalizing the "circle of life". Definitely the most significant experience of the past year has been my pregnancy and the birth of my first child, Asher. It was a long journey to get pregnant and a relief when I finally did. It was also strange, surreal, and fun. Overall, I liked being pregnant, feeling Asher grow and move around. Sometimes I miss it. Daughter was born