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Subject: Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema (w/commentary) Date: 8/23/2009 5:25 PM Post New | Post Reply | Reply Later | Create Poll Report Post | Recommend it! No. of Recommendations: 46

Okay, for the past several days I have been scrolling through this message board for all my movie posts, which is like six or seven years of activity and three or four years of silence. And the Motley Fool took off the search function where you could type in 00 and get all your posts. So I have been scrolling. Now you're going to tell me that all I had to do was press a button somewhere. Anyway, any post where I happened to write something smart, or witty, or smart and witty, or smart ass, or smart-aleck, or where the movie is smartin' from the smack, I would cut and paste this discussion into my Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema So now you're going to say, dude, you took all your posts and moved them into one post? That's the most OCD thing I ever heard. Yeah yeah, and that's just the start. If you are not familiar with my Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema , I have ranked all the movies I have seen according to the criteria of coolness, awesomeness, quality of the art, merit, whether the art speaks to my soul, and whether I would buy the DVD or just rent it. Or not watch the damn movie ever again. Now you're going to say that's so OCD you're like that guy in A Beautiful Mind. You're so OCD you got freaky formulas in your living room. And my mom, if she was reading this, she would say, yeah, but when's the last time you vacuumed? Why can't your OCD be helpful and a positive boon to humanity? Or at least keep your apartment tidy? And I would respond, I don't know, my movie-related OCD might be helpful to somebody. At a minimum it might cause some strife and name-calling, which is always fun. One thought I had, is the possibility that maybe there is a book in here somewhere. Cause I'm always looking to prostitute myself if at all possible. And a problem with this book idea, as my maybe-future-editor keeps telling me, is that I am a no-name from nowheresville. Which is kinda like being a prostitute with buck teeth. On the other hand, I'm a funny crank and he loves my stuff. A more serious problem, or maybe a more secondary problem--cripes, I'm going to start ranking my problems now--is the problem that my Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema is just a frickin' list of movies, dude. If I were to attempt to publish my Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema in some sort of book device with some kind of spine, and pages, it would have within it a huge amount of white space surrounding the list. Like, for instance, on page 172 there would be a list of twenty-two movies, and on page 173 there would be a list of twenty-two movies. And I have actually increased the white space problem by resorting to the nefarious technique of double-spacing. Because, I feel, double-spacing gives each specific ranked movie the Oomph of Importance. Like perhaps some thought and intelligence was put into this ranking. Single-spacing, any moron can dump movies in and single-space 'em. Meanwhile, I can hear the greenies shrieking about all the white space and the trees that had to die. Thus, my idea of adding commentary. Nothing gives an anonymous movie-ranker a little more credibility than some insightful and brilliant commentary. Or at least smart-ass and mean commentary. Or funny, go with funny commentary. As a movie ranker from way back, I know that one does not underrate the importance of comedy. Oh no. Underrate comedy at your financial peril! Particularly if you have buck teeth. Which I don't, that's just a metaphor. So I added in insightful commentary, smart-ass commentary, and funny commentary. Which still left like 3,290 movies surrounded by white double space. Now you're probably wondering, what kind of OCD you got, if you're skipping around with the commentary, all ad hoc and random like that. I don't know. I got the special OCD that leaves room for free bird. Why am I skipping films? Don't I have anything to say about Rear Window ? Yeah, I do. I wrote a frickin' thesis paper on Rear Window. You want a 19-page dissertation on Rear Window? I could write a book on Rear Window. I know I could, cause some guy already did, so I just have to copy what he did. How hard is that? I just ain't in a Rear Window mood right now. I could probably write something that might increase your enjoyment of Rear Window. I'm not sure I can reduce it to a one page funny discussion, though. Go see Rear Window! That's my discussion. Go frickin' watch it. Okay, I'm lazy. That's why there's a blank space next to Rear Window. It's why there's a blank space next to 3000 ranked movies. I suck, that's why. I suck and I'm lazy. And I got to leave some room for a sequel, my Super-Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema. My OCD is planning ahead. Still, we do have a lot of frickin' blank space. Maybe I should add some unsightful commentary? I could regurgitate plots. Add a sentence about how I don't remember this frickin' movie at all. (Not Rear Window, I remember that one). Or I could work really hard and come up with some funny, insightful, brilliant and fresh commentary. Most movies, I got nothing. I grunt. Am I supposed to type out "It's okay" two thousand times? Dude. I cry at the thought of trying to say something interesting about City Slickers II. It's like sixteen years after the fact. "Jon Lovitz is a putz." I could write that. Then I got to run to IMDB and make sure Jon Lovitz was the putz in City Slickers II. I feel that some movies--like, for instance, City Slickers II--really don't deserve any of my awesome commentary. Why should I spend some brain-time thinking up crap to say about City Slickers II? The really sad thing is that it is way more fun thinking up insults for pap smears like City Slickers II then it is coming up with some interesting commentary for the mass of films in the murky middle. I mean, I just saw Last Chance Harvey a couple of weeks ago, and what do I have to say about it? It's non-offensive. It's light. It's there. Well, cripes, I just said something. Should I add that? Might as well leave the white space, right? That's what I figured. Another problem, some would say a big problem, is that my Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! But, happily, I can turn this criticism on its head and point out that you are wrong, buster. Which doesn't get us anywhere, but at least I have parried your thrust. Until further notice, I am going forward with my theory that my Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema is right. I'm not even going to add doubt to my list of problems. (The movie Doubt, by the way, is a C- flick sitting at #2587, with a big white space next to it explaining why). Here is a brief list of why it's going to be hard to turn my Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema into a book. 1) Anonymous no-name from nowheresville 2) Too much frickin' white space 3) 99% of cinema still unseen and unranked 4) Is anybody going to pay for this? That last problem, I admit, is kinda commercial and grubby. My bad. Hey, I was raised in America. Anyway, here, with random, ad hoc commentary, is a new and improved pre-book version of my Insane Attempt to Rank All Cinema. Oh yeah, that reminds me of another problem. 5) It ends on a sour note. Yeah yeah, I start off happy and joyful. I feel inspired and awed, blessed by the coolness of art. It is a cool breeze into my soul. Then the vibe slowly and imperceptibly becomes one of less-than-rapture. We start to see problems, conflicts, even hostility. Negativity and harshness makes an appearance, followed by criticism and cruelty. And then we go through a horrible dead zone of anomie, boredom, and alienation, only to emerge in a cataclysmic demonic rage of purple fury! Wow. How commerical is that! Book deal, right? Book deal. Commercial advance. Pay my rent, pay my rent.

Taylor

p.s. It’s 130,000 words, so it might take more than one post. Also, uh, sorry for the long post. (Insert insane giggle here).

A+ (240) 1 Casablanca (1942) What I like about this movie is the repudiation of cynicism. Bogart starts off the movie cynical and alone. He is tough, and mean, and doesn't let anybody get close to him. I know a lot of people like this; I've been like this. As you go through life, you pick up some scars. And cynicism feels smart, somehow. "I stick my neck out for nobody." And of course it's a woman who made him feel this way. Bogart owns a gin joint in Casablanca, which is a place where life is cheap. And everybody wants the two letters of transit so they can get the hell out of Casablanca. Cause Nazis are everywhere. And Bogart's ex-girlfriend, Ingrid Bergman, one day she floats into Casablanca with her new man. And she's in Rick's place and she tells Sam to play the song. And Sam says he doesn't remember it. And Sam tells Ingrid to leave Bogart alone. "You're no good for him." And she's like, no way. Play our song. And Sam starts playing the song, and Bogie flips out. "I told you not to play that song!" The mask has fallen and you see his hate. And he sees Ingrid and her new man and the mask goes up again. He's all polite. "Hey, how you doing, free drinks, nice to see you again." And then later he gets really drunk and Sam says let's go fishin', even though there aren't any waters in Casablanca. And Bogie says play the song, Sam. "If she can take it, I can!" And then Ingrid comes in and Bogart reminds her about Paris and love and what a sap he was and what a whore she was. I don't even like you, you whore. And Ingrid leaves and she's unhappy. And Bogart sobers up and he's like, "What did you want say again?" And she's like, never mind. And Ingrid's new man asks for the letters of transit, so he and Ingrid can get the hell out of Casablanca and start having babies, and Bogart's like, "No. I guess you're just gonna die in Casablanca." And Ingrid's new man is confused and asking questions. "Ask your wife." That's what Bogart says. "Ask your wife, the whore. Ask her, ask her!" So Ingrid, she's not happy at all. I mean, she's really pissed. She shows up at Bogart's place. "We need the letters of transit. Give us the letters of transit." She pulls out a gun. And Bogart's like, "Yeah yeah, shoot me, whore. End it, please! I want to die!" And Ingrid turns into a puddle. Her insides liquefy. She's all, "I love you, I can't think, I'll do whatever you want, I'm a puddle. You're gonna have to think for both of us." And what does he do? Heroic stuff. He's a hero. He's the biggest hero in the history of art. 2 The Maltese Falcon (1941) 3 Singin’ in the Rain (1952) Aw, what a beautiful movie. This movie makes me cry. It's so amazing. The dancing is sublime. I remember the first time I saw this movie, I was distinctly unimpressed for the first twenty minutes or so. Oh man, that seriously gay fiddling number. I didn't get that it was a joke. Kelly was mocking dance and how retarded it can be when it's done badly. I didn't wake up to this movie until that amazing Donald O'Connor dance number, "Make 'em Laugh". O'Connor astounded me. It's a comic dance, it's Jackie Chan stuff. Unbelievable. And he's not even the frickin' lead. After that scene, the movie really takes off. It keeps building and building, and the dance numbers are sweet and spectacular. What is so cool about all the Kelly musicals is they are so unapologetically masculine. They are always from the man's point of view. He's the protagonist and she's the antagonist. And he will win her heart with his dance. Watch this, baby! I love this. I love the passion of it. This is a movie about letting your emotions out. You're feeling it so much that you just want to yawp! I love Gene Kelly smacking into those rain puddles. Just smacking them, getting soaked, and not giving a damn. It's a ferocious movie about romance. Yes! This is what passion feels like. This is what it feels like when you're out of control, when you give in to your heart and love without fear. It's an ode to joy. 4 Breathless (1960) Okay, for starters, it's not an art movie. It's a lovers on the lam movie. You've got car stealing, a murder, a mugging, romance, sex, the New York Herald Tribune. And a Bogart fixation. It's awesome, man. It's got the best score in any picture, ever. This amazing jazz score. And let me tell ya, I love fast-paced movies. Like His Girl Friday or One, Two, Three? The faster the better, I say. And that's what this is. You think foreign films are slow? Ha! Dude, he took out all the boring bits. The movie was running long, so instead of cutting out a few scenes like a normal person, Godard says, hey. Take out all the boring bits. So that's what he did. And the jump cut was born. No boring bits, they're all gone. Breathless is just pure cool. 5 On the Town (1949) Four years after World War II, all the men are back and ready to get it on. What we call the baby boom! I love pre-feminist movies about human sexuality. On the Town is a movie about three sailors who are in New York, trying to meet girls. And they are singing and dancing. It is a happy, fun, amazing movie. I am so living in the wrong era. This is healthy sexuality. This movie can't exist in our era, because in our era young men are bad. Aggressive and bad. On the Town is a movie about sex, getting it on with your sexual opposite, like a caveman. Woo-hoo! Being open to love and feeling it. It's a passionate movie, an aggressive movie, a romantic movie. It's a movie for young men feeling their oats. This film is pre-feminist and unapologetically shows sexual pursuit as a good thing. Man's aggressive chase after woman is seen as happy and fun and normal. If you're not chasing after a woman, she's gonna chase after you. Once feminism hit, with its war on masculinity and its policing of sexuality, art followed orders or rebelled. Our musicals became gay or girly. Screwball comedies became talky chick flicks. And there was a massive, unspoken revolt by men from music and dance in film. What do we watch? Violent movies. Taxi Driver or Kill Bill. Unhealthy, aggressive, homicidally violent movies. The attempt to neuter men has made our art more violent. On the Town is from a happier time. On the Town is a musical, but it's not a chick flick. It's aggressive and fun. And why not? Dancers are amazing athletes. Capturing Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire on film is a miracle, like seeing Jackie Chan in his prime, or Buster Keaton. You have to train for years and years to get your body to be so good at something. So don't put lame ass John Travolta or Burt Reynolds or Dolly Parton or Olivia Newton-John out there and pretend like you've made some amazing musical. Just cause you're dancing doesn't mean you rock. What's awesome about this movie is the innocence of it, how nice its assumptions are. Now, 1949 was a pretty cynical year. You know it had to be, four years after the atom bomb and the Holocaust. Sometimes you throw art out there to show what life can be. What it should be. And On the Town is like that. Fun and happy and cool. My vote for the happiest movie ever made. 6 A Day at the Races (1937) Marx brothers are insane, a force of chaos. The brothers Marx brothers are like a riff on Marxism, always giving the upper crust a black eye. It's class warfare and it's so damn funny. Margaret Dumont is amazing. What a foil. Like Wodehouse, the Marx brothers attack the upper classes (here, the medical profession) with working class gusto, while acknowledging that the working class is just as bad as the upper class. "We're greedy and mean, too, just not as good at it as you upper class people." Yeah yeah, Margaret Dumont puts on airs, but she's almost always nicer than Groucho. The Marx brothers are so brutally honest. Their films almost always feature a hilarious attack on the upper class, variously defined. They attack the rich, the pompous, the elites, the arty-farts, the intellectuals, anybody who is smug and superior. And yet the Marx brothers zing themselves just as much, if not more. They never fall into the ideological trap of failing to see their own capacity for evil. Did the Marx brothers ever win an Oscar? What, are you kidding? Oscars are voted upon by elites in the art world. And elites are always just like Margaret Dumont. 7 His Girl Friday (1940) Love this movie. Hildy is such a confident woman. "Hiya, boys." She likes men, she likes being with men. She likes being in a man's world. In fact, the running joke in the movie is that she keeps trying to domesticate and be a housefrau, and she sucks at it. Compare this film to, say, Silence of the Lambs. I remember that scene when Jodie Foster is in an elevator, surrounded by all these big law enforcement officers. You're supposed to go, "poor wittle girl." She's like that the whole movie. Poor wittle Jodie Foster. Goes to a mean cannibal man for crimefighting tips. This is feminism? It's pathetic. Man, did she choose the wrong career. Give me Hildy Johnson any day. The best part of this film is the verbal combat. Faster, faster, faster! The verbal war makes this screwball seem like an action flick. And that's before Hildy does a street tackle or Cary Grant gets the future mother-in-law arrested. Too funny. 8 Notorious (1946) Hitchcock's darkest and most powerful work. Cary Grant is the most amazing actor in the 20th century. You know that comic genius in His Girl Friday? Hey, it's the same guy. What a dark performance from a master comedian. Here Grant is so contained, so cold, so wary of women. This movie is James Bond for grown-ups. He's a good guy, but he's also a bad guy. What makes this movie so amazing is that Claude Rains, the Nazi, is nicer to Ingrid Berman than Cary Grant is. Way nicer. He's a better man. For most of the movie Cary Grant is like the Nazi mom. He and she are both wary of emotions and love and how vulnerable your heart can make you. And love makes you vulnerable. It's true. She is going to die because she loves her son, and her Nazi son is going to die because he fell in love with Ingrid Bergman. Notorious is a movie about the dangers of love and sex. It's dangerous to be vulnerable and open, like Ingrid Bergman and Claude Rains. When you're a nice, open person, you can end up a whore, or murdered by Nazis for sexual indiscretions. Repress! Close yourself off from your own emotions, like Cary Grant or Nazi mom do. Be mean and controlling and strong. And then you find out that you're cold and evil. This is a movie about restraining your passion, hiding it away. You need to do this if you want power and authority, but you lose your humanity when you do this. You become an ideological tool and a bad person. What a great film. What an amazing artist Hitch was. 9 Three Colors: Red (1994) Yes, it's an art movie, probably the finest art movie ever made. It's a work of power and grace. It's beautiful and sublime. This film takes no wrong steps, you have no idea where it's going, it builds and builds. Watching this movie is like seeing your destiny come to life. Amazing stuff, and Irene Jacob is insanely beautiful. 10 One, Two, Three (1961) My favorite Billy Wilder film, it's a broad and hysterically funny satire about the cold war, set in Berlin right before the wall went up. In Wilder's world the young are almost always innocent and the old are corrupt (very corrupt). Here Wilder introduces a naive young Communist and an even more naive Southern girl from Atlanta who fall in love and get married. Wilder's belief is that the young have their illusions, while older people are more realistic, and more decadent. His anti-hero, James Cagney, is adulterous, greedy and manipulative. Working as a Coca-cola executive in West Berlin, Cagney has former Nazis on his payroll while trying to sell his classic American soda to all those thirsty Commies. (He's astounded when he finds out Atlanta doesn't want to sell Coke to the Commies. But what about all that profit?!). Cagney has political beliefs. Nazis suck, Communists suck. But he's willing to deal with anybody. Cagney is forced to babysit the boss's daughter, which turns into a potential disaster when she gets married and pregnant faster than you can say "where're my grits?" Not just married but brainwashed like Patty Hearst, spouting Marxist dialog that's guaranteed to get Cagney fired. Cagney has her Marxist fiancée deported to East Berlin, and then kidnaps him back, and then transforms him into a human Potemkin village. He buys the Commie a title and dresses him up in the finest clothes, all to impress the in-laws, who are flying in from Atlanta any minute now. This climactic scene is a one-man show for Cagney. He runs around like a force of capitalism, throwing money at every problem. ("Six of those, four of those, none of those, wrong color, wrong size, bring me more more more!"). It's hysterically funny. Cagney's performance is on fire. It is the fastest, most insane dialog I've ever heard. Faster than that white Canadian rapper Snow singing "Informer." Faster than Bare Naked Ladies. Faster than anything. I dare you to try to keep up. This movie is an ode to the capitalist spirit, its optimism, its energy, and its willingness to prostitute itself. Wilder sees capitalism as decadent, yes, but honest and human. In a way, this movie is like a sequel to Ninotchka. Wilder co-wrote that film in 1939, and the three Communists in this movie are like older, more corrupt versions of the three Communists from that earlier movie. Yet unlike Ninotchka, there is no romance here, or rather romance is introduced only to be promptly skewered. One, Two, Three is a brutal and viciously funny satire of dreamy utopia, whether your plan is economic or romantic. Amazing film, and an amazing performance by Cagney. (He was so exhausted by Wilder's demands--pages and pages of dialog, spouted out at six words a second--that he refused to act in anything for two decades after this movie). 11 Shall We Dance (1937) Easily the funniest of the Astaire-Rogers musicals. Astaire cracks me up with his Petrov routine. Edward Everett Horton is a hoot. Everybody thinks Fred and Ginger are married and not married and married and not married and married and not married, then they decide to get married so they can get a divorce, and then they fall in love. Their dancing is amazing, a perfect union of man and woman. Frickin' awesome. And a score by the Gershwins. 12 A Hard Day’s Night (1964) You really get a sense of how foreign the Beatles are in this movie. They're super-British. And this is before they got all Important. They're on their way to becoming stars, they're chased by teenage girls wherever they go. But they're so innocent, almost goofy. Is it a pose? I don't think so. Sure, they're staging a lot of silliness, but they're so into it, enjoying it. Really, this movie is like a historical mark, a sort of time capsule of young adults on the verge of maturity and decadence, but not quite there yet. Fascinating, beautiful, touching, and fun. Just a lot of fun, really. And Lester's camerawork is insanely cool. 13 Star Wars (1977) What impresses about George Lucas is the size of his ambition. He creates an entire universe with startling detail. Think of how much exposition this requires. And yet he rarely bores us. For instance, this is not a Judeo-Christian universe, at least not explicitly. Yet Lucas pays homage to religion by creating a new one, "the force," and he gives the followers of this religion the power to do miracles. And they can go over to the dark side. And there's technology and androids and an evil empire with its war machine. I think his is what really blows us away with Star Wars, the way Lucas is playing god. Like we do when we are children. Artists often play god. Artists re-arrange reality. "It's like this" or "it should be like this." But most artists base their art in existing reality, twisting it a bit to suit their narrative. Here Lucas creates a reality from the ground up. Oh sure, he steals shots from Hawks and stories from Kurosawa. His universe is a familiar one, sure. It reminds us of stories and myths and realities in our world. But it nonetheless seems new and different, too. The vastness of his vision is what impresses us. It is why some people would watch the movie over and over again, to make sure they haven't missed anything, to figure it all out. Many of the things I normally look for in art are missing in Star Wars. It is, in many ways, a childish and silly fantasy. It was my favorite movie when I was nine. Adults tend to scoff at Star Wars, like they scoff at any fantasy that children create. It's not realistic. The dialog is often stilted and the characters are two-dimensional. Yeah, okay. Adults suck. Star Wars is frickin' cool, man. I do not have to tell you this, you know it already. I am confirming what you know to be true. Yes, Star Wars is shallow and two-dimensional. Who cares? Star Wars is a massive creation that takes us beyond our world, and does it better than anybody before or since. Let God scoff at Star Wars. The rest of us really ought to be kinda impressed. Nice job on the universe creation, George. And I'm not frickin' calling in A New Hope, and you can’t make me. And Han shot first. Quit screwing around with the universe you created, ya moron. It's over. You did it. Rest. 14 The Knack...And How To Get It (1965) This British movie won the best picture in Cannes in 1965, and you can see why. Inspired by the French new wave, it's a beautiful screwball comedy, fast-paced, hysterical. The knack they are talking about is how to seduce women. One of the guys knows how to seduce women, and the other one wants to know. "Is it the bed? I need a bigger bed." This movie is like Wodehouse on speed. 15 The Graduate (1967) Hoffman's performance is pitch perfect. It's underplayed, his character is a guy who doesn't know what to feel, or how to feel, so he's expressionless throughout the movie. I've got one word for you. One word. Are you ready? Plastics. What are you doing, Benjamin? I'm just drifting. Here in the pool. The writing is amazing! The movie also uses symbolism in a wonderful way. Mrs. Robinson, for example, is always wearing animal prints, like she's going to eat him up. Hoffman is constantly filmed looking through water, drowning in water. His parents buy him scuba gear, force him to wear it, and then when he tries to come up for air, his father puts his foot on his head and kicks him back down into the pool. People in the 60's liked The Graduate because it was about rebellion, and growing up, and wanting to feel real emotion. Coming of age stories are timeless, though. Everybody has to go through this stuff. Mrs. Robinson, we never talk. Can we talk? Can we have a conversation? What do you want to talk about, Benjamin? I don't know. Art. You're not one of those outside agitators, are you? And the cinematography is amazing, the things Nichols did with his camera. Pulling the camera away from Benjamin as he was running towards the camera. Having Mrs. Robinson in focus in the background, and then switching the focus to Benjamin in the foreground. Simon and Garfunkel writing a soundtrack for the movie. The lyrics to Mrs. Robinson. Anne Bancroft, naked in Benjamin's room, but we only see bits and pieces of her, like Picasso. The expression on Benjamin's face at the end of the movie. A blank expression. What do I feel now? Classic. Benjamin swinging a cross at everybody in the church, and then locking the doors of the church with a cross. Hoffman wearing sunglasses. Hoffman in a suit. Hoffman trying to conduct an adult affair. I've got it. I've got my toothbrush. It's right here in my pocket. Jump cut from diving in the pool to diving on Mrs. Robinson. Jump cut from Mrs. Robinson talking to Benjamin's mom talking. He calls her "Mrs. Robinson" the whole movie. He's so respectful. It's so non-intimate. The movie is so amazing. 16 La Dolce Vita (1960) Pauline Kael slandered this movie, called it a rip-off of Rules of the Game. Pauline! You're cracking walnuts with your ass again. Renoir's flick is another silly movie about class, with silly upper-class twits. Boring! Spare me the Marx, please. Fellini's movie is a story about decadence. Now that is interesting. That, like, applies to my life. Who the hell has butlers? Fellini's movie is a morality tale about what happens if God is dead, what happens when you drift away from innocence and love. What happens when you get lost in the sweet life of sin. Fellini's film is amazing beautiful. You dare compare it to that second-rate hack who wouldn't even have a career if his daddy wasn't an impressionist? Please! 17 Dr. Strangelove (1964) "I was under the impression that I was the only one who had the authority to order the use of nuclear weapons." "That's right, sir. You are the only one authorized to do so. And although I hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority." This exchange sums up a primary obsession in many of Stanley Kubrick's films, a crazy person "exceeding his authority." General Ripper violates his orders, HAL violates his orders, Alex violates his orders, Private Pyle violates his orders. In Kubrick's movies, it seems humanity would be much better off if we could just get the programming right and everybody followed their orders. If HAL did what it was supposed to do, if Alex did what he was supposed to do, if Ripper did what he was supposed to do, if Pyle did what he was supposed to do, utopia would be achieved. Kubrick comes across as sort of a disheartened control freak, a person who thinks there should be a lot more order and control imposed on the world. (Like in his art!) He also knows in his heart that this is useless, because people will always disobey. Dr. Strangelove is brilliant because it covers pretty much everything Kubrick wants to say, about technology, about war, about control and authority, about machines and free will. And it does so in a hugely entertaining way, a funny film that works both on simple and complex levels. In some of his other films, Kubrick veers into misanthropy. This film has a dark vision of humanity, but the humor makes Kubrick's vision palatable and even enjoyable. It's a fantastic and darkly funny movie about humanity and our path to self-destruction. 18 Sanjuro (1962) I go back and forth in my head on which Kurosawa film is his masterpiece. Probably this one. It's his most lyrical samurai flick, and his funniest. Mifune is the mad bomb. 19 Bringing Up Baby (1938) One problem in appreciating a comedy like this is you have to approach it with the right mindset. 15 years ago, I would have insisted that Animal House is a much funnier movie. But once you understand the conventions of the 30's and 40's--particularly how people dealt with issues of sex (specifically, how they repressed their animal desires)--the screwball comedies of that era are hysterical. But they do require a level of sophistication and knowledge that most teenagers simply don't possess. I didn't like it when I was young, love it now, and it keeps getting better. Hawks is a genius. 20 The 400 Blows (1959) If I had to pick one, I'd say Truffaut is France's greatest filmmaker. Godard is brilliant, but insane. So, you know, kinda uneven. Truffaut is first and foremost a narrative filmmaker, he likes to tell stories. This is his best one, about a child's coming of age. 21 Sabrina (1954) Wilder again, in romantic mode. What a fascinating, brilliant movie. Remember, in 1954 we are right smack in the middle of anti-Communism in the USA. Artists in Hollywood are being investigated for belonging to the Communist party. Elia Kazan, a former Commie who testified against other Commies, makes On the Waterfront in 1954. One of the Commies he testified against, Jules Dassin, would move to France and make Rififi in 1955. You can judge for yourself which movie is better (Rififi, by a longshot). But Billy Wilder, frickin' genius, stomps them both with a romantic comedy that eviscerates Communist ideology. His politics are so successfully submerged in his art many people do not see any political subtext in his movie. If you think about it, though, it's obvious Sabrina has class on its mind. What does Communist ideology do? Reduces people to class, to archtypes. For instance, the callous billionaire who is greedy and mean (Humphrey Bogart's character), or the decadent playboy who is indifferent to the plight of the underclass (William Holden's character), or the chauffer's daughter who is innocent and pure of heart (Audrey Hepburn's character). Wilder takes these Marxist superficial two-dimensional cartoons, and he humanizes everybody. He creates real people with real emotions. By the end of the movie he has completed obliterated Marxist ideology. And the movie is so romantic and awesome you don't even notice he did it. Marx is dead and Billy Wilder killed him. We ought to frickin' air drop Sabrina into Cuba. 22 An Autumn Afternoon (1962) Ozu is amazing. He was doing films about nothing before Seinfeld was born. Okay, it's not about nothing, it's about a daughter getting married and leaving her father. But it's a low-key drama, quiet, unobtrusive, humble, pitch perfect. What's amazing about Ozu is he takes these real life conflicts, these small moments that occur in just about everybody's life, and he makes them interesting. What helps Ozu too I think are his actors, who, like Hitchcock's, underplay everything, they hide their emotion. It's also fascinating to see characters avoiding conflict, by refusing to answer a question, they'll grunt or something. So much is going on underneath in an Ozu movie. He's got no car chases, no deaths, no violence, no sex. Should be boring and it's just brilliant. This is his last film, in my opinion his greatest, but you can't go too wrong with any Ozu, really. 23 A Night At the Opera (1935) 24 Rear Window (1954) 25 The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928) Insanely great movie about a woman who hears the voice of God, and does what He tells her to do. Namely, drive the English out of France. And the religious leaders are all, "girl, you're cracked, you can't even read." And she's all big eyes and innocent, and they're all ugly and demon-looking. And probably, she is cracked. I mean, she's got to be. Right? Right? This silent movie will blow your mind with its passion and intensity. 26 After the Thin Man (1936) There are a lot of great party scenes in movies. The Party is one massive party scene. Breakfast at Tiffany's has a great party scene. Animal House, of course. But of all the parties in all the movies, the party I would most want to crash is this party here. Light, frothy fun, and a great murder mystery that includes Jimmy Stewart as one of the suspects. Nice ending, too. All the Thin Man movies are cool fun, but this is where you want to start, right here. Skip the first one, you can always circle around. Start here! 27 North by Northwest (1959) 28 The Bank Dick (1940) 29 The Lady Eve (1941) Preston Sturges made a handful of awesome comedies in the '40's, and then he disappeared off the face of the earth. This is his easily his best one, and my favorite. Henry Fonda and Barbara Stanwyck. It's the strongest, funniest performance from either of them. Barbara Stanwyck plays a con artist, and Fonda plays the sucker. She loves him like the ax loves the turkey. Classic. And man, I love that cranky William Demarest. "Positively the same dame." 30 It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963) 31 Dark Passage (1947) We never see Bogart in the first half of the movie. We're Bogart. Everybody talks to us! Wow. There's a narrative reason for this--the character, an escaped convict, is going to have plastic surgery and get a new face--Bogart's face. But all the talking to the camera is engaging, disorienting, interesting, fascinating. Watch this movie and be Bogart for an hour. Bogart and Bacall made four pictures together (Key Largo, To Have and Have Not, and The Big Sleep are the others). This is probably the least seen, and yet it's the most original of the four. A stylistic tour-de-force. 32 Band of Outsiders (1964) Also not an art movie. Tarantino named his production company after this movie. So how bad could it be? Dude! Robbery, murder, accidental death. And they take time out to dance the Madison. Snap! Tarantino wishes he was this cool. 33 Saboteur (1942) Here Hitchcock remakes his own movie, The 39 Steps, for his new country. An innocent man, wrongly accused, is chased around the U.S.A.. He runs from California all the way to New York City. Some of Hitch's most amazing camerawork is in this film. The movie ends with a fight with a Nazi on top of the Statue of Liberty. It foreshadows the fight on Mount Rushmore that Hitchcock would use in his next version of this story, North by Northwest, which is sublimely cool. But don't skip Saboteur, one of the finest Hitchcocks ever made. And don't frickin' confuse it with Sabotage, either. It's Saboteur, man, and it's awesome. 34 Top Hat (1935) Another great Astaire-Rogers musical. Fred dances in his hotel room, waking up Ginger in the room below. She's pissed off. And he does a sublime little sandman dance to put her back to sleep. Fred always pisses Ginger off. The way these movies work, he annoys her, and then they dance. He annoys her even more, and then they dance. Their emotional discord is always resolved by dance. Her body urges her to dance, dance, dance. She can't resist him. And when they dance, it's like they're made for each other. It's completely synchronized, unity is achieved, two become one. The harmony of it is beautiful. It's two people making love on a dance floor. Awesome score by Irving Berlin. 35 The Navigator (1924) Charlie Chaplin is considered the Artist of the silent era, but I will always be a Buster man. He's funnier than Chaplin, not sentimental at all. When Buster was two years old he started acting on the vaudeville circuit with his family. His father sewed a luggage handle onto the back of Buster's jacket so he could cart him around and throw him. People thought that was hilarious. Buster does all his own stunts, and his timing is impeccable. Lot of sight gags here: cannibals, a fight with an octopus, Buster in a diving suit from the stone age. Buster Keaton is the model for the Hitchcock rule on cinema: put your hero in melodramatic situations and have him underplay his emotions. This style fits Buster like a glove. The situations are extreme, and Old Stone Face takes it all in stride. Forget his arty reputation. Jackie Chan and Jim Carrey and Three Stooges fans should be checking out Buster's work. He's a slapstick genius. The Navigator was the biggest hit of Buster’s career. See it and you’ll know why. 36 Rashomon (1950) This is the Kurosawa film that opened up Japan to the world. Blew away everybody everywhere. It's got murder, rape, suicide, a ghost, a thief, a mystery that will not be solved. Only in Japan could they make a movie this cool, with a story structure this unreal. Brilliant! 37 Dead Poets Society (1989) It's a marvelous film. Kieslowski loved it so much that he had two of his characters rave about it in Three Colors: Red. It is the most inspirational movie I have ever seen, the film I watch whenever I want to motivate myself to accomplish something with my life. It's a deeply romantic movie about finding your passion in life and following it. That sort of theme speaks volumes to me. I think it's beautiful, true, and deeply touching. But many people, I think, prefer stories that are more cynical, or perhaps more ironic. If life crushes all the dreams out of me, maybe I'll start hating the movie too. There's an amazing dialog in the movie about this very subject. "It's a mistake to teach them to be artists, John. When they realize they aren't going to be Rembrandt or Picasso, they'll hate you for it." John Keating (played by Robin Williams) disagrees. He's teaching his English class to think like artists. Find the beauty in life. Find your passion. Seize the day and go after it. And of course the conservative, cautious response is...what if you fail? What if you make an ass out of yourself, or embarrass yourself, or go bankrupt, or you're rejected? What if your talent is miles beneath your ambition? The film covers all these subjects and more. Ultimately it's a film about philosophy, about how life should be lived. And the characters quote poetry to each other. I can't think of a plot that sounds less promising. A bunch of guys reading poetry? And yet the film completely resonates with me. The filmmakers show the passion that is behind all great works of art. It's not an analytical film--in fact the movie has great fun in ripping apart the cold, aloof analysis that people sometimes use to study art, as if it were an insect under a microscope. "Rip out that page! Be gone, J. Everet Pritchard, P.H.D. This is a battle, for your hearts and minds!" The film is a call to feel deeply, to suck the marrow out of life, to be passionate in all you say and do. "No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world." Like all of Weir's work, the film is visually stunning. For example, the shot of the Dead Poets Society running in the dark, wearing hoods, while we see beams of flashlights shining through the night. The exuberant and boisterous student body, climbing down the stairs as the camera spins around in a dizzy circle. Ethan Hawke sobbing in the snow. "It's so beautiful." The powerful last scene with the students standing on their desks. One of my favorite scenes is when a character reads a poem he has written to a girl that he fancies. He does it, even though all her friends are listening, and her boyfriend is going to beat him up, and she wants nothing to do with him. It's stupid, mad, fearless and beautiful. Another powerful scene: when the camera closes in on photographs of boys from a century ago. It's a powerful scene, because the boys in the photographs are so young. Their eyes are filled with hope, and humor, and optimism, and bravado. And Williams points out that all these boys are dead now. And he wonders out loud--did they fulfill their promise? Or did they wait until it was too late? And then Robin Williams whispers, in a voice that sounds like it's from the grave: "Carpe...carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary." It's a beautiful moment in a film filled with beautiful moments. 38 A Fish Called Wanda (1988) Probably you've seen this one. Kevin Kline's character is a really funny caricature of an American. Stupid, violent, always in a baseball cap. And of course John Cleese plays a caricature of a Brit--pompous, large vocabulary, very polite. Written by John Cleese, it's easily his best post-Python stuff, and arguably the best thing he ever did. Directed by the Ealing comic stud Charles Crichton, (we'll see him again). 39 Spite Marriage (1928) Buster again. This was his last silent film, it's so good I watched it two days in a row, giggling all the way through it. It's a shame Buster didn't make the transition to sound. He has a wonderful voice, full of gravel and rocks. Here Buster is funny from beginning to end. The small, quiet bits are some of the funniest. When he tries to put on a fake beard. Or when he tries to put his new wife, passed out from alcohol, in bed. By the way, his co-star (Dorothy Sebastian) is amazing. Her comedy is very physical and sexual. At one point she seduces four men in a row so that Buster can knock them out with a wine bottle. She's funny as a drunk, putting her hand on a waiter's face and shoving it. (That's how you do it, Cagney). And she's like a lump of potatoes when Buster tries to put her in bed. She doesn't hold back at all, unusual for the era. She and Buster had an affair and dated for years, and she would act in three more movies with him. Most of Keaton's movies have one or two wild outlandish scenes that are unforgettable. This film is not as wild as some of Keaton's other work, but it's funnier, and more satisfying. And the score is pitch perfect. 40 Donovan’s Reef (1963) I've just realized recently that this is my favorite John Ford movie. It's an idiosyncratic pick to be sure, but I actually think this movie (the last he did in collaboration with John Wayne) is the sum of his art. It continues and deepens and expounds many of the themes and ideas Ford has always been interested in. It is, I think, the happiest John Ford movie, a movie that was released in 1963, which of course is the year Kennedy was shot, and American innocence was lost. Obviously Ford created the film before that event, and so it is Ford at his most optimistic and hopeful. It is, I think, the gentlest, and most subtle, of all the Ford works. I've watched it four times now, and it improves upon each watching. Knowing what is coming up just deepens my enjoyment for when the moment happens. "Here it comes," I say to myself, and then I enjoy the moment all over again. It's a childish pleasure, to be sure, but I find as I get older these are the movies I like the most, the ones I can return to and relive. I watch Donovan's Reef and I feel this is the way life should be. What fascinates about Ford, which you might not get the first time you see one of his movies, is how indirect he is. Stagecoach, to give one example, is on the surface the first modern western. Ford often gets credit for creating a genre of cinema that is unique to America and our history. A "John Ford western," we say. Westerns were around way before Ford, of course, going back to the silent era, but Ford makes us see them and appreciate them in a new way. Ford inspired Japanese filmmakers to make samurai films, to speak about what it means to be a samurai. What Ford is really interested in, it seems to me, is what it means to be a man, and specifically a man who goes to war. He is interested in warriors. And the western is his canvas. Donovan's Reef is Ford's peace movie. It seems to me to be an American version of an Ozu movie. In fact I do not think it is stretching things too far to suggest that this movie was inspired by Ozu, specifically his last movie, An Autumn Afternoon, released in 1962. There is a bit in that movie about old soldiers reminiscing about the war. That would be, of course, the war with us. They are remembering it rather wistfully, but you can tell too that they are enjoying peace. And Ford in turn reminisces about the war, too, and he too enjoys the peace. So this may be a homage to Ozu (the simple island music of Donovan's Reef reminds me of Ozu, too). Ford even throws in a couple of Japanese women dressed in kimonos. Ford thinks violence is fun. Not killing, Ford is never light on the subject of killing. But he is always light on the subject of fistfights. "Fistfights good, killing bad," is, I think, Ford's worldview. So let your aggressions out in some healthy fistfights, and maybe we wouldn't have so much war. Donovan's Reef, Ford's peace movie, has two rather massive fistfight scenes. Fistfights in Ford movies almost always take place among allies. You fight and then you are friends again. And you enjoy the fight. This is an entirely romanticized view of fistfights. I don't know if you've ever been in a fistfight. I have, I got two black eyes one time, looked like a damn raccoon. And I can tell you that Ford's view on fistfights is rather ridiculous. In fact, the first time I saw Donovan's Reef, I was rather confused about Lee Marvin's character, who I thought was the antagonist. They set him up as the antagonist, and then he's the buddy. Confused me. The antagonist is a woman (Elizabeth Allen). Ford tried this once before, in The Quiet Man. It's okay there, brilliant here. Allen is wonderful opposite Wayne. She holds her own, and she's a good sport. She suffers a lot of ass jokes. Wayne puts a hand on her ass to put her in a canoe, she falls out of a car onto her ass, and then Wayne spanks her on the ass. Watching her lose her dignity over and over is amusing, and their love affair seems full of awareness and interest in one another. It's believable. You can even argue that she is the protagonist, because it is Allen's character that has the greatest arc in the film. Wayne doesn't change at all (of course). The Wayne-Allen conflict is our main interest in the film, of course, and it is through this conflict that Ford gets into all the things he wants to talk about, which is race and class and sex and religion. But all of it is indirect, you can enjoy the movie as a light romantic diversion, with slapstick comedy thrown in. One thing Ford is brilliant at doing is finding interesting characters. Always men, usually Irish, look like they've been in some fights or been around for a while. His cavalry movies are filled with people like this. People with interesting faces or voices, people who have lived interesting lives (you can tell), and Ford gives them a little screen time and they just play themselves. Ford is a genius at this. He's constantly putting characters in his movie that he must have met in a bar somewhere. In Donovan's Reef, the character I love the most is probably the Boston lawyer. "As usual, when there's some dirt to be done you hire me." That guy kills me. The "dirt," in this case, is proving that a man is getting it on with a native girl. As I mentioned before, Ford's brilliance lies in his indirectness. This is subtle because Donovan's Reef, on the surface, appears very simple and direct (like John Wayne himself). But when Ford wants to make a movie about Nazis, he makes it about Indians. And when he wants to make a movie about racism, he uses Indians, too (The Searchers). Or in this case, Polynesian Indians. Ford tackles the race issue more subtly and more beautifully than he has done before. It's not just interracial sex, but interracial kids. They are, of course, cute as hell. And Ford does a marvelous thing, I think, with a subtle moment. Elizabeth Allen says, "I met the cutest little half-castes" and Jack Warden (who is the father) does not say anything, but you know it hits him. Anyway, you can watch this movie and not even get that Ford is speaking volumes about race, that's how subtle and indirect he is. But the upshot is the movie is much deeper and more interesting than, say, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? Another character, cartoonish, maybe offensive to many people, I was offended once but now I like the guy, is a Chinese man who was educated at Amherst, and is proud of it, and proud of the English he speaks. There is a joke that the Chinese on the island love to play the slot machine in John Wayne's bar, a slot machine that doesn't work and has never worked. Wayne's got signs up saying the damn thing doesn't work, and they keep playing anyway. So the Chinese man says, "I will speak to them in their barbaric tongue." This is over-broad, I think, but Ford is saying something interesting here about how our culture is not that great (he is often critical of the American obsession with money), and he reserves his respect for other, simpler cultures. So he lightly mocks this guy for wanting to be American and high-class. It's a movie, I think, about knowing your own culture, or perhaps finding your own culture, your own place. Ford makes warrior movies but he prefers, I think, the idea of peace. Peace with your family, and respecting the tradition of your people. Specifically Ford is big on the idea of religion and following its path. Wayne asks one of the French nuns, "Would you accept some fish from a sinner?" Yet Ford is amused by men who go off the path. One of the things that irks Wayne about Lee Marvin's character is that he's not just a bigamist, he's a quadramist, got four wives in various ports, and he adds a fifth one before the movie's over. Wayne's also irked that Marvin's character got him engaged to a hootchie-cootchie girl. I'm not sure what that means exactly but it's a nice way to put it. And I like the Christmas celebration in the church with the leaky roof and the rain is just pouring down on Lee Marvin's head, punishing him for all those wives, and he just stands there and takes it. It's a low-key movie, humorous and gentle, and beautiful, really. You might enjoy it. I liked it a lot the first time I saw it, and now I love the darn thing. 41 Manhattan (1979) 42 Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) 43 Pillow Talk (1959) It's awesome. Many people think it's sad that Rock Hudson was in the closet. No, sorry, the coolness of Pillow Talk speaks for itself. Many people think it's ridiculous that Doris Day pretended to be a virgin. Ah, quit invading their privacy. What matters is the public art the artists create. What matters is what we see before our eyes. This is a hysterical romantic comedy. Some people, when they watch this movie, all they see is 50's repression and right-wing evil. They see McCarthy. I don't know what the hell they're seeing. They're not seeing the movie. This is a loose, breezy, fun, happy, wonderful movie. It's a fighting, kicking, romantic war of the sexes. It is beyond your attacks. Give it up, you totalitarian hacks. The artists have spoken. Pillow Talk rocks. 44 Bottle Rocket (1996) 45 Snatch (2000) The best gangsters are British, and they have pigs. 46 Hannah and Her Sisters (1986) 47 The 10th Victim (1965) Insanely funny sci-fi flick from Italy starring Marcello Mastroianni and Ursula Andress. It's set in the future, and people are so bored with their lives they create this game where you get to kill people. And you're assigned someone to kill, and someone else is assigned to kill you. And Marcello and Ursula are the best killers ever, so of course they have to kill each other. You know the fembots who killed with their boobs? Total rip-off of this movie. 48 The Soft Skin (1964) My second favorite Truffaut movie. It's a French movie about, you won't believe it, adultery. I know, it's a shocker. Anyway, good stuff. Truffaut is an awesome screenwriter. 49 Branded to Kill (1967) You got to see at least one Suzuki movie, and I think you should start here. There's this assassin, Number Three Killer, who kills Number Two Killer. And they're in the same Organization so that's a no-no. And Number One Killer is like, dude, you're going to have to kill a bunch of other people to make up for that. And Number Three Killer is like, yeah, whatever. And he sniffs rice to get sexually aroused. Ummmmmmm, rice! And he kills some people. But then a butterfly lands on his rifle, spoiling his shot, ruining his assignment. So Number One Killer is like, you're just gonna have to die. And Number Three Killer is like, oh yeah? 50 Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994) I love this movie. Romantic comedy, but like the classic screwballs of yore it can be brutal and true when it needs to be. 51 Early Summer (1951) Ozu, again! My mom would love this movie. If she would frickin watch it. He's the gentlest filmmaker in the world. 52 Manji (1964) Sex! Drugs! Lesbians! Suicide! Hysterical movie, way cool. Okay, we've got a Japanese love triangle (quadrangle?). Try to keep up with the math. A married woman (1) becomes obsessed with a beautiful model (2), they go all lesbo, and her husband (3) tries to put a stop to it. So 2 seduces 3, too. So then 4, who is 2's boyfriend, signs a love pact with 1, who is all pissed that 2 is sleeping with 3. Anyway, take like 4 years of an American soap opera, compact it to 90 minutes, dial it up to 11, and you'll be halfway to describing this movie. Masumura is the man. 53 Addicted to Love (1997) I love this film. Pure screwball comedy, it's a wonderful mix of light and dark. I think it's the Rear Window of romantic comedy. Voyeur? Yes. Obsessive? Yes. Funny? Hell yes. I think this film was not well received because people nowadays expect their romantic comedies (particularly Meg Ryan romantic comedies) to be light. The dark romantic comedy--known in the 30's and 40's as the screwball comedy--really has disappeared from the cinematic landscape. I don't know why screwball comedies disappeared from our culture. I supposed in part it happened because American films became much more sexually explicit in the 1960's. Screwball comedies were replaced with bed-swapping farces like Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Shampoo. As far as I'm concerned, these latter films are not funny, and I think the reason for that is there is little sexual tension. In the classic screwball, the repressed sexual energy was released by the antagonists throwing things at one another, or accidentally ripping each other's clothing. When everybody in the film is already nude, when everything's easy and nobody cares, there's not a lot of conflict. Or interest. The screwball comedy is in even more trouble in the 21st century. "Sex harassment!" we cry. "Stalking! Obsession! Leave that poor woman (man) alone!" Our sexually explicit society has frightened people. We're scared of sex and love. We're so legalistic we kill off romance and wooing. Our society is all about pre-nups and control. Boooooooo. Give me the screwball era when people actually had feelings, even improper ones, and people did crazy stuff for love. Oh sure, Addicted to Love is explicit about sex. "The only way she's coming back to you is if a blast of semen propels her out the window and across the street." But its mentality is classic screwball insanity. Yes, he's irrational, and she's irrational. Love has made them mad. Hasn't that happened to you? Isn't it worth exploring in art? I swear, sometimes I think our culture is tranquilized. 54 Blow-Up (1966) Antonioni is forever making existential movies about alienation and isolation. But none of them sneak up on you like this one. A murder mystery that veers into a philosophical attack on the swingin' sixties. Awesome, provocative, brilliant. 55 A Snake in June (2002) So we've got this stalker, and he's blackmailing this woman to do all this pervy sex stuff, or he will Tell Her Secret. Listen, for years, there was no sex in Japanese movies. I mean, none. Zippo. Good luck finding anybody kissing in an Ozu movie. It's like, how did they reproduce in Japan, osmosis? It's all Shy City. Nowadays? It's like, whoa, dude, put some of that stuff back in the closet. You're freaking me out. And this is before Doc Ock makes his appearance. It's like phallic odd. Plus the director runs the whole movie through a blue filter. Awesome cool. 56 The Gay Divorcee (1934) Yeah yeah, gay used to mean happy. For my money, the best Astaire-Rogers musicals were directed by Mark Sandrich and co-star Edward Everett Horton as the upper class twit of the year. This one sets the standard. Shall We Dance and Top Hat are even better. 57 Forbidden Games (1952) Sounds like a post-Ozu Japanese movie, right? Wrong. It's French, and actually it's sweet and innocent. This little boy is living with a little girl and her family. He's a war orphan and they've semi-adopted him. And the little boy tries to impress the little girl. I won't tell you any more than that, but by the end of the movie I was in tears, man. The love of a child is so frickin' pure, so heartfelt. Awesome movie. 58 The Palm Beach Story (1942) 59 The Avengers episode -- "The Cybernauts" (1965) Man oh man I got a crush on Emma Peel. Charles Crichton directed this one I think. Smartest television show ever? 60 The Gold Rush (1925) Chaplin recorded a narration in the 40's to go along with this film. The narration is intentionally melodramatic, which makes it ironic and amusing. This is Chaplin's finest film, hands down his funniest. The Little Tramp looks for gold in Alaska. All his best bits are here. Making his bread do a dance, eating a shoe. Great bit with Chaplin and another guy in a cabin teetering on the edge of a cliff. A tremendous amount of visual humor in this film. Chaplin's usually falling in love with orphans and waifs and blind girls, you're supposed to go awwww. Here he falls in love with a party girl. Yeah, yeah, the Tramp falls in love with a tramp. And it works, too. 61 Persona (1966) Bergman's strongest work, I think, and his most modern. An actor has a mental breakdown and she goes mute. She is cared for by a nurse, and the two of them begin having intimate talks about sex and other topics. Boundaries disappear! Identity is lost! Okay, okay, not much happens. Still, it's arty and intellectual without ever being boring. And Bergman is at his most visual inventive here. Beautiful black and white cinematography by Sven Nyquist. 62 Almost Famous (2000) 63 50 First Dates (2004) Drew Barrymore is always good for Adam Sandler. Sandler usually makes frat boy humor movies, except with Drew. She drags him, kicking and screaming, into the rom-com genre. Most of the Sandler movies have a love interest who is a second banana to the real story. Well, Drew's not a second banana. She is the banana. So these films bring out the nice side of Sandler. He is wooing a woman. So he writes her songs and sings them to her. Singing Sandler is not to be missed. I love The Wedding Singer, and I love this movie even more. I think it's one of the more brilliant rom-coms to come along in a while. It's not hysterically funny. It's more than a bit vulgar in places. (Is walrus vomit funny? I say yes). But it also has gorgeous cinematography, awesome set design, and it's maybe the sweetest movie alive. In fact, for an Adam Sandler movie, there's a surprising bit of sadness mixed in as well. It's a handicap movie, and I'm almost always immune to those, but this movie is different. It's not playing the victim card. What comes out instead is an incredibly vulnerability, and Drew's unawareness of her handicap just makes her all the sweeter and more vulnerable. Like all the men in the movie, I had an immense desire to protect Drew. The vibe of this movie is all over the place, but one of the things you will feel is a sweet melancholy. This movie probes into identity, dreams, and memory, and challenges you in a way that is surprising. I literally had no idea how they were going to end this thing. I was worried they were going to screw it up. It's a beautiful film. I've already seen it four times without even trying. 64 Bang the Drum Slowly (1973) Saddest moment for me is when the ballplayer is singing the song about the dying cowboy in the locker room. And half the team knows Pearson is dying of Hodgkin's disease, and the other half doesn't know. So the people who know are trying to shut the singer up. "Play another song, man." "That song's corny." "No, it's a good song. Keep playing!" And one of the players pats Pearson on the shoulder, as he has to sit there and take it. The song is beautiful and sad, and it makes me cry everytime. 65 One Hundred and One Dalmatians (1961) 66 An American in Paris (1951) 67 The Girl Who Knew Too Much (1962) An Italian, Mario Bava, hits his way into the big leagues with this, his only good movie?? I haven't seen 'em all, but the ones I have seen are seriously bad. And yet, there's something about Bava that always makes me want to give him another chance. And here, boom! He nails it. This Hitchcock homage rocks. It's tongue-in-cheek, funny, and his awesome camerawork outHitches Hitch. Seriously. By the way, there's an English language version with a different cut that is apparently tied up in litigation. Dude, it's 45 years, let it go. 68 Stagecoach (1939) This is a movie about war. Specifically it is an American movie about how we have enemies, and they are out there, and we need to be ready to fight them. When you think about Ford you realize he is rather a serious artist. He does not make Stagecoach to entertain us. Although the movie is quite entertaining. The final attack on the stagecoach will blow your mind, even now, 70 years later. But Ford has, I think, a specific purpose in mind, to instruct us in 1939 that war is here, get ready. The interesting thing about Ford is that he always humanizes his warriors. He does not try to impress us with how tough they are. John Wayne is John Wayne because he's John Wayne, but he is most obnoxiously John Wayne in other people's movies. In a Ford movie John Wayne is usually a bit more subdued. For instance, in Stagecoach Wayne is playing a virgin, and he's a virgin who's got a little innocent romance going on with the town whore. So even in 1939, in a movie prepping us for war, Ford stops and recognizes innocence. Wayne's character, the Ringo Kid, is meant to be a kid, a big overgrown child who's never been with a woman and has no idea what he is in for. So this is the warrior Ford chooses for us. The Indians, of course, are the bad guys in Stagecoach. They are not a character so much as an ominous presence. There is no attempt to humanize them or to show their side. Which shouldn't surprise us. If Ford were making a movie attempting to humanize Nazis in 1939, what would we think? Ford doesn't demonize the Indians. He just shows them as the fierce warriors they were, and notes they are going on the warpath. "They want war with us," is, I think, Ford's point. 69 Another Thin Man (1939) 70 Rushmore (1998) 71 Dead Man (1995) Slow to start, but once Depp gets shot, Jarmusch's film takes on a poetic beauty that's hard to describe. Mysterious and haunting, absolutely gorgeous cinematography. Gary Farmer is hysterical as Nobody, easily the coolest American Indian character ever created for the screen. 72 My Favorite Wife (1940) Cary Grant has his wife, Irene Dunne, declared dead, as she has been lost at sea for seven years. He marries again, but on his honeymoon, his first wife shows up, alive. So Grant has to pick a wife. To make his decision more difficult, Dunne has been marooned on an island with Randolph Scott all this time. (Scott calls her "Eve" and she calls him "Adam"). Scott walks around the whole movie with this "I've been sleeping with your wife" grin on his face. My favorite scene is when Grant has to go somewhere, but he doesn't want to leave Dunne and Scott alone together. Scott: "Well, I've been with your wife for seven years, I don't think another half an hour will make much of a difference." Ouch. Classic screwball comedies crack me up. 73 Love Crazy (1941) Classic screwball with William Powell and Myrna Loy. He is the butt of so many jokes in this movie, including getting his head stuck in an elevator, and yet he's always dapper and cheerful. Brilliant underplayed zaniness as Loy files for divorce and Powell tries to win her back. 74 To Catch a Thief (1955) It's a film that I liked okay the first time I saw it, and then years later I would watch it again, and then I would watch it again. And again and again. With some movies, repeat viewings actually increase my joy and appreciation. This has happened to me with several Howard Hawks films (Bringing Up Baby, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Rio Bravo) as well as John Ford (Donovan's Reef, My Darling Clementine) and even with my favorite filmmaker, Alfred Hitchcock (The 39 Steps, Shadow of a Doubt, To Catch a Thief). I think I underrated this film on first viewing because I saw it only as a suspense yarn. Ostensibly that's what it is, of course, but the police chase is a Macguffin for what is really driving this movie, the romantic chase. The real fun in this movie is not whether the police will catch Cary Grant , but whether Grace Kelly will. For most of the movie, he treats her as an annoying distraction, as he's focused on trying to stay out of jail. But she is determined to capture him. She is at her most beautiful in this film, I think, and her wardrobe is spectacular. She's a hard woman to miss. This film has more sexual innuendo than any other film I can remember. Cary Grant is a cat burglar. He's like a vampire who sneaks into your room at night and gives the ladies a bite. Only he's reformed and good now, or so he says. Grace Kelly keeps trying to seduce him. "You want a leg or a breast?" Her dialog is subtle and funny. "I don't like cold things touching my skin." And yet Hitchcock manages to distract us (and Grant) from the charms of Grace Kelly by constantly shifting our attention back to crime. We go from sex to crime to sex to crime. "You're leaving fingerprints on my arm." Crime becomes a metaphor for their cat-andmouse love affair. "He's a low, worthless thief." "Just what did he steal from you?" "Oh, mother!" 75 Garden State (2004) This is an amazing first effort. Zach Braff joins Wes Anderson, P.T. Anderson, Cameron Crowe, and Michel Gondry in a sort of new wave of touchfeely, sensitive yet funny corps of writer/directors. Call it the New Sincerity. These young bucks avoid the deep irony of the Coens and Tarantino, preferring instead to write and direct films about characters struggling with heartbreak and real emotion. Their films are deeply felt and (usually) brilliant. Garden State is quirky and original, a film about a guy who was sleeping-walking through his life, tranquilized. And finally, at last, he's waking up. 76 Miller’s Crossing (1990) 77 Some Like It Hot (1959) 78 Shoot the Piano Player (1960) Truffaut, again, making his film noir movie. Truffaut is the best screenwriter France has ever seen. Here he's adapting an American pulp fiction, he sets it in France and adds humor and awesome cinematography. I think Coutard shot this one, anyway it's a beautiful cool gangster flick. Yo, Melville! Watch. And learn. 79 Monsters, Inc. (2001) 80 Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (1982) Amazing movie. It's an incredible achievement, perhaps one of a kind. The movie is a comedy, and while there are funnier comedies out there, what's so impressive to me is that the movie also works as a homage to the film noirs of the past. Imagine all the work that must have gone into this project. Carl Reiner and Steve Martin took clips from twenty disparate films from the noir period, 1941-1950. Using those clips, the filmmakers then crafted their screenplay, uniting all those individual scenes into one seamless movie. It had to be a painstaking process. If one actor from a movie in 1944 says the wrong word, you're s.o.l. You have to find another scene, perhaps another movie. And of course it's not enough to succeed in crafting a coherent screenplay from these old reels. You have to make it funny. And on top of all this, the filmmakers then added some original dialog that is not only funny, but also works as homages to great lines from the past. To give just one example, Johnny Eager (I haven't seen it) is a movie from 1941 about a District Attorney's daughter, who has a romance with a gangster. Here's the clip of the D.A. warning off the gangster: "Don't go near my daughter again. Don't try to see her. Don't write her and don't phone her." Reiner takes this clip and then seamlessly edits in a shot of Martin's response: "Can I use her underwear to make soup?" For any film buff who enjoys movies, this is cool stuff. It's almost like Reiner and Martin are playing jazz, as they riff off the old line and give it a fresh meaning. It's a send-up and a loving homage, all at once. Sometimes the filmmakers don't use actual clips. For example, in To Have and Have Not, Lauren Bacall says, "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow." This scene isn't used, but certainly Reiner and Martin had it in mind, when Rachel Ward says: "If you need me, Rigby, just call. You know how to dial, don't you? You just put your finger in the hole and make tiny little circles." You have to love a dirty line that is so clean and PG. And of course when you're aware of the original line, you have to appreciate the wit even more. I also enjoyed watching Martin in a wig, serving as a stand-in for Barbara Stanwyck. Again, the seamless editing, as we cut from Barbara Stanwyck passionately kissing Fred MacMurry, to Martin-in-a-wig, who's clearly appalled that this man just had his tongue in his mouth. Lots of low brow humor. Rachel Ward wakes up to find Steve Martin fondling her breasts. Rachel Ward: "What are you doing?" Steve Martin: "Adjusting your breasts. You fainted and they shifted all out of whack." If you think Steve Martin is funny, or you enjoy film noir, or both, you absolutely have to see this movie. I'll bet it took them years to make it, and you see that dedication on the screen, from Edith Head's wonderful costumes, to the black and white cinematography, to Reiner's classic turn as ze bad guy. An underrated masterpiece. 81 The 1000 Eyes of Dr. Mabuse (1960) Fritz Lang's last movie, and my favorite, which is saying something. Lang fled from Germany when the Nazis offered him the job of making Nazi propaganda films. ("But...my grandmother's Jewish." "We will decide who the Jews are.") So Lang takes off, abandoning his wife, who I guess wanted to hang around. That was his second wife, his first wife committed suicide. (Or was murdered by Lang, there's some speculation). Anyway, 15 years after World War II, Lang finally returns to Germany, where he makes this, his final film. And what's it about? An evil mastermind who is watching us and controlling us. Paranoia! The DVD commentary, by the way, is priceless cool, giving you a history lesson about Lang's life, which adds a lot of subtext to a cool flick. 82 And Then There Were None (1945) Rene Clair was an early French film pioneer. Some people (not Clair) accused Charlie Chaplin of ripping off an early Clair movie, A Nous la Liberte. I didn't really dig that movie, but Clair's Le Million is awesome. Anyway, like a lot of Europeans, Clair went to America in the 40's, where he made arguably his best movie, and certainly the best Christie adaption, this one. 10 people, all of them suspected of murder, are invited to an island, where they start to die, one by one (bloodlessly, of course). You might say, hey, Christie, doesn't she do that detective mystery puzzle stuff, without any suspense? Yeah, usually, but not this one. Plenty of suspense (who's going to die next?), and Clair adds a lot more humor and a happy Hollywood ending to Christie's darkest novel. 83 Gold Diggers of 1935 (1935) Insanely cool Busby Berkeley musical. It starts off cynical and funny, all these people who want money so bad. They're willing to marry for money, love for money, scam for money, steal for money. The whole world's a prostitute in 1935. But what makes Busby Berkeley so damn cool are the musical numbers. It's not amazing dance, like Astaire or Kelly. But it's amazing nonetheless. It involves scores of beautiful women, all dressed in costume, creating fantastic images of precision. You might see 100 women playing 100 pianos, for instance. His two Gold Diggers are the sum of his art, check 'em out. 84 Support Your Local Gunfighter (1971) I love this film for its sexual subtext, for the giant orgasms that shake the screen, for the cowboy that yells, "fire in the hole!", for the passion of Patience Martin, who wants to be a fine lady with good breeding, and she will keep shooting people until her dad lets her get out of this scurvy town. I love when James Garner agrees to step outside with a gunfighter, and instead he hits him on the head from behind. And Jack Elam says, shocked, "You hit that fella from behind!" And James Garner has this look on his face, like he's Sam Peckinpah and he's irked with this John Ford cowboy code. "Just as hard as I could!" And then he breaks the gunfighter's trigger finger. And then he finds out the gunfighter's left-handed, so he breaks his other trigger finger, too. So when the gunfighter wakes up, and he's sitting in the evil boss's office, with his two broken trigger fingers, with casts on them, you almost feel sorry for the guy. Poor ol' broken-finger impotent cowboy, can't shoot anybody. 85 Fantasia (1940) 86 Cleo From 5 to 7 (1962) Agnes Varda wasn't as prolific as Godard and Truffaut, and so she's not very well known today. But this, her first flick, is the French New Wave at its finest. Check it out, brilliant stuff. 87 Happy Gilmore (1996) 88 Minority Report (2002) 89 The Birds (1963) 90 That Thing You Do! (1996) 91 The Awful Truth (1937) 92 Key Largo (1948) 93 any random episode of Chuck. I love this show. I bought season one, watched them all, and then a month later I sat down and watched them all again. What amazes me about Chuck, as a creation, is how nice he is. He is one of the nicest people in all of art. And nice is fericiously difficult to write or to act. If you're nice you disappear, you're boring, you're awful. That's why so many actors love to play villains. Edgy is fun to play. Nice is vanilla. And Chuck is not vanilla. He's aware, he's smart, he's funny, and he's self-effacing. And he's also a little guarded. But there's no darkness here. The writing here is phenomenal, smart and witty. Chuck is a big, overgrown man-child, but he's such a sweet man. He's like a big, goofy dog. And yet he always does the right thing. If I was Chuck I would have made a move on my fake spy wife, who is maybe the hottest woman alive. I would hit on her all the time. His niceness, that he doesn't hit on her, that he doesn't take advantage of their situation, his wanting genuine love and affection, all of this shames me. I watch Chuck and I say to myself, I need to be a better man. Part of the charm of the show is that he's stuck in Buy More hell. And he quits at the end of season two. Which means they're changing the dynamics of what makes the show work. Which is, I think, bad news. We will see, I guess. But I really like this world, and I like to visit it. I love the dynamic of reality and fantasy, Buy More and spy world, the ordinary and the extraordinary. It's a brilliant show. 94 The Apartment (1960) 95 City Lights (1931) Okay, here Chaplin falls in love with a blind girl. Chaplin is always mixing in pathos with his comedy. This is hard to do, and it's rarely attempted. And Chaplin always tried to do it. I haven't seen The Kid yet, because, you know, there's a frickin kid in it, so it's going to be some maudlin street urchin. Chaplin's so sentimental that he makes me want to barf sometimes. I'm suspicious of Chaplin. I resist him. I'm always surprised when I love one of his movies. Yet I do love this movie, almost as much as The Gold Rush. There's a funny bit with spaghetti, and a drunk who only remembers Chaplin when he's drunk. What's amazing about Chaplin is that the whole world went with sound and he said, no. He's like frickin John Henry going up against the machine. Keaton's a comedian, Chaplin's an Artist, with all the pretension that goes along with that. But he succeeds admirably in putting forth his vision for the world, of what the world should be. Yeah, it's sentimental, but if you buy into it, it's a pretty profound experience. 96 The Shop Around the Corner (1940) Ernst Lubitsch. One of the coolest and most romantic of the old school filmmakers. Big inspiration for Billy Wilder. This film inspired You've Got Mail. (It's not his fault). Jimmy Stewart is terrific here. If you want an introduction to Lubitsch, start with this one. 97 Lady and the Tramp (1955) 98 Gold Diggers of 1933 (1933) 99 It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) 100 The Avengers episode -- "Death at Bargain Prices" (1965) Better than Bond? Yep. Witty, smart, sexy, and Mrs. Peel in leather. The sexual innuendo in this one is priceless. 101 Larceny, Inc. (1942) 102 Duck Soup (1933) The musical numbers are hilarious. Groucho is now in charge of a small European country, and he's singing about how he is going to tax everybody and outlaw everything. He later starts a war with a neighboring country, just for fun. Film is silly through and through. (Or is it?!) Great silent film gags with Harpo standing in lemonade, hiding in a bathtub under a naked man(!) and sleeping in bed with a woman and a horse(!!). Also enjoyed Harpo and Chico pretending to be Groucho. 103 Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953) 104 Decalog: One (1988) Before he moved to France, Kieslowski made ten hour-long dramas for Polish television. Each film is an interpretation of one of the Ten Commandments. Some of the Commandment movies work better than others. "Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and keep it holy" is a bad one, I think, and surprisingly "Thou shalt not kill" is even worse. But this one, "Thou shalt have no other God before me," whoa. This one will humble you. 105 The Wedding Singer (1998) 106 Unforgiven (1992) The epitome of what a great western should be. Absolutely brilliant. As vicious as any Peckinpah (or, for that matter, any Eastwood), but without the nihilism. Unforgiven clearly pays homage to the classic western. It's almost reminiscent of John Ford in parts, with its themes of chivalry and loyalty (not to mention teller of tall tales). Yet Eastwood avoids the sentimentality of Ford. What we are left with is starkly beautiful, haunting and powerful. 107 Shakespeare in Love (1998) Good ol' Will. I love this flick. I love when he's talking to some quack, "I can't write, I can't have sex. I can't do anything." And doc asks him, "How long's it been?" And Will holds his hands about six inches apart. That kills me. I love how dirty the streets are. I love how dishonest everybody is, and how commercial the artists are. How Will owes everybody money. And personally, I think Ben Affleck might be the best actor in the universe if you limit him to five minute gigs. "Who are you?" "I'm the money." "Well, you can stay, but shut up." Dude, there's romance, and bad teeth, and swordplay, and cross-dressing lovers. How can you not love Shakespeare? 108 The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997) 109 Cool Hand Luke (1967) After he ate 50 eggs--and nobody can eat 50 eggs--Cool Hand Luke was sprawled out on a picnic table, just like he's on a cross. His arms are spread out, and he's got one foot on top of the other, like somebody nailed a foot to a foot. So don't tell me there's no Christ symbolism in Cool Hand Luke. Cripes, on the third day, he escaped. "He was smilin'. He had that Luke smile." And I wrote a paper in college, about the Christ symbolism in Cool Hand Luke. And my frickin' undergraduate film professor gave me a C. Well, as Cool Hand Luke would say, "Sometimes a C is a real cool hand." "Cutting the heads off parking meters? What you go and do a thing like that for?" "You know how it is in a small town. Ain't nothing to do, 'cept settle old scores." Parking meter thought it was going to give me a ticket. Going to constrain me with time? Cool Hand Luke is beyond time. Plus I was drinkin'. You got to get your mind right! What we GOT he-ah, is a FAILure, to communicate. And ol' Dragline says, "Luke! You gone too far when you mess with the Man With No Eyes." And at the end of the movie, ol' Dragline jumps on the Man With No Eyes. Just beats the crap out of him. "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" That's what Dragline says. "Oowk." That's what the Man With No Eyes says. And his mirrored shades are in the mud. And you realize, hey, the Man With No Eyes, that implacable symbol of Justice, it's just some old bald guy. You just a punk ass bitch, Man With No Eyes. Get mad at those eggs! 110 Office Space (1999) 111 The Corpse Bride (2005) 112 Easy Living (1937) Awesome Preston Sturges film that wasn't directed by Sturges. His writing is so strong, though, that you can immediately recognize his fingerprints all over it. The director, Mitchell Leisen, even cast a Sturges fave, William Demarest, in a small role. Movie might have been even funnier if Leisen had cast another Sturges regular, Eugene Pallette, as "the Bull". Still, it's a hilarious movie, definitely in the top five in the Sturges canon. Billy Wilder used to complain that Leisen was butchering his scripts. And since Sturges had demanded that he get to direct his own scripts as well, I had sort of assumed that Mitchell was a hack. You wouldn't notice it here, though, as his direction is assured and confident and way way cool. Jean Arthur is pretty amazing as the dumb, sweet blonde. 113 The Mad Miss Manton (1938) An underrated screwball classic. Fonda and Stanwyck again, they have terrific chemistry. Fonda is a newspaper reporter, Stanwyck is a ditsy society gal who is mad about libel (another common screwball theme). Lots of murders happen in this one, and the plot's a mess, but the dialogue is top-notch and the acting's terrific. 114 Pride and Prejudice (2006) It's been done several times but my favorite one is this one with Keira. 115 Fort Apache (1948) 116 The Bad Sleep Well (1960) Kurosawa does Shakespeare better than anybody, I think, because he re-imagines it for a different culture. This is Hamlet, and man, is it dark. Instead of setting it in feudal Japan, like you'd expect, Kurosawa makes it a modern corporate intrigue. Mifune plays the mad prince. 117 The Empire Strikes Back (1980) Most people I know rate this higher than Star Wars. Most people are retarded. The reason you're interested in the sequels at all is because the original grips your imagination so fiercely. And it has become de rigueur in some circles to run Lucas down. Yes, this film is more adult, more serious. "I am your father." Kershner is better at pacing than Lucas. Brackett and Kasdan are better screenwriters. But this movie doesn't have an ending. Empire has the same flaws that all of the sequels have, in that they are just a piece in a much grander "vision". None of the sequels work on their own as a movie. None of them. Star Wars is a movie. It has a beginning, a middle and an end. At the time he made Star Wars, Lucas had no idea whether he would be allowed to make any more. So Star Wars is a one-shot, a movie that works. And one of the reasons it works so well is that Lucas has so much more of the story left out of it. Star Wars suggests a larger universe outside the movie. It references a backstory that we don't see. It suggests a future that we don't see, too. Star Wars engages our imagination, and it works precisely because of all that is excluded from the film. There's a whole world outside of that movie. Star Wars is hope. Not for the characters (A New Hope is a retarded frickin' title), but for us. It gives us visions and dreams and wonder. Everything after Star Wars is just filling in the details. Empire is far and away the best of the sequels, but all of the sequels are disappointing to a degree. Empire, for instance, doesn't have a frickin' ending. Lucas' conceit is that we will be back for the next installment (he's right). But watching Empire by itself is like reading a chapter in the middle of a book. It's a well-executed chapter, sure. But you have to watch Return of the Jedi to fully enjoy Empire, and by the third one Lucas is regurgitating weapons and introducing stupid characters. We see the limits to his imagination and we are disappointed. People who complain about Star Wars have seen all six of them. My parents don't complain about Star Wars. You know why? Cause they haven't frickin' seen it, that's why. The reason you are bitching and complaining and unhappy is because that first movie is so damn cool, and it fires up your imagination, and you want to see what happens next. The guy who made Star Wars thought he had a nine-movie saga. "This is chapter 4 in my nine-movie saga." That's what he's saying to himself. And Star Wars is awesome because it suggests this. It suggests chapters before the movie and chapters after the movie. And yet Star Wars is a complete movie, all by itself. In fact, as it turns out, Star Wars is not chapter 4 in a nine-movie saga. What nine movie saga? Lucas barely had a chapter 6, let alone a chapter 7, 8, or 9. And if he started this saga with chapter 1, who the hell would come back for chapter 2? No, sorry. Star Wars is a great movie. The Empire Strikes Back is a really cool movie with a horrible "come back in three years" non-ending. After the movie was over, if Lucas had come out for a bow, I would have thrown a box of popcorn at his head. Come back in three years. People who think The Empire Strikes Back is better than Star Wars are people who are happy that Han is a popcicle. Yeah yeah, they're on the dark side, these people. I'm not happy. He's frozen yogurt. And anybody bitching about any of these movies is bitching because it's Star Wars, and we love it, and we want more, and we're so annoyed that you can't deliver. 118 Chungking Express (1994) First Wong Kar-Wai I ever saw. Hong Kong cinema is known for John Woo shoot-em-ups and this movie has a little bit of that. But really it's an art movie through and through, filled with whimsical heartbreak and romantic loneliness. Wong Kar-War does a lot of visually amazing stuff--the cinematography from Christopher Doyle is breathtaking--but what really strikes a chord with me is the dialog, and the philosophy behind the dialog. It's hard to write heartbreak without being maudlin and stupid. Wong Kar-Wai pulls it off, making romantic pain seem wistful and beautiful. Two stories here, the second one is superior, but both are pretty amazing, really. 119 At the Circus (1939) 120 Road to Morocco (1942) I never got Bob Hope. I was too young for him, I guess. A few years ago I saw Son of Paleface, which is very funny, but I put that down to Frank Tashlin brilliance. Bob Hope himself, not too funny. Years ago I did try to watch one of the Road pictures, I think maybe the first one, and I bailed. Boring! Well, this is the third one, and believe you me, they got the hang of it. It's a great flick. I knew once I saw Bob and Bing singing on that camel, while they look directly into the camera, that I was going to love this movie. Were they influenced by Brecht? Did Godard watch the Road pictures? You got me. But they break the fourth wall (or is it the third wall? anyway, it's a wall) and talk directly to the audience. Come to think of it, Bugs Bunny did that too. No wonder Tashlin wanted to work with these guys. And aside from all the postmodern deconstruction of narrative in Bob Hope cinema, they're so frickin mean to each other! That's the other thing that seemed so original and new. If it's not Bing selling Bob into white slavery, it's Bob setting Bing up to be decapitated. It's, I dunno, innocent Bob Hope sadism. Or something. Anyway, brilliant cool. Bob Hope is edgy. Who knew? 121 Apocalypse Now (1979) 122 Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941) Hysterical. W.C. Fields is frickin brilliant, man. His funniest movie, hands down, is The Bank Dick, but this is a close second. So many modern comics water down their stuff, make it sentimental and gooey. Even the Marx brothers went sentimental--I tried to watch The Big Store the other day, by God that film is horrible. Fields always remained edgy throughout his career. I can't get over his bulbous nose. It's a black and white movie, and yet I can still see all the broken capillaries. "What fiend put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?" 123 My Cousin Vinny (1992) 124 The 39 Steps (1935) Hitchcock's most well-known British movie. I didn't like this the first time I saw it, but liked it a lot more the second time, and thought it was beyond cool the third time. Hitchcock goes on to try two different versions of this cross-country chase movie (see North by Northwest and Saboteur). I would rank this a bit below those two American versions, but it's nonetheless a stellar film and a lot of fun. 125 Walking and Talking (1996) Great indy film written and directed by Nicole Holofcener. As much as I love Swingers, I think this film is even better. It's kind of a girl version of Swingers. Catherine Keener is the main star, and she's absolutely terrific. (You might recognize her as the love interest in The 40-Year-Old-Virgin). Also stars Liev Schreiber and Todd Field (Schreiber was quite good in Hamlet, while Field went on to direct In the Bedroom). Rounding out the cast is Anne Heche (who is okay), and whathisname as The Ugly Guy. Keener is awesome, one of my favorite actresses. This is her chance to shine and she runs with it. I could watch her all day. Terrific and quirky film. 126 Confidentially Yours (1983) Truffaut's last movie. You can really see his love of Hitchcock in this one. An innocent man is falsely accused of murder, and the woman who loves him tries to solve the crime to clear his name. A lot of fun. 127 In the Mood for Love (2000) Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous film by Wong Kar-Wai. Set in 1960's Hong Kong, it has awesome set design and amazing cinematography. One of the most romantic films I've ever seen, I think, but deeper and sadder. This film is like a dream suffused with this wonderful melancholy. Great score, too. 128 The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) 129 Clueless (1995) Amy Heckerling's brilliant adaptation of Jane Austen. I had a huge crush on Alicia Silverstone for like a decade. Coolest virgin ever. "You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet." 130 My Darling Clementine (1946) 131 Good Morning (1959) And we dive once more into the Ozu well. This was my first Ozu movie. It's probably his most gently comic film, about two young Japanese boys who refuse to speak until their parents buy them a television set. And these kids play "push my nose" which is the Japanese version of "pull my finger." Ozu's films are so gentle and tiny, it's like a wisp of brilliance floating on air. 132 Cousins (1989) 133 The Paper (1994) Better than All The President's Men? Yeah, man. That's like a super-hero movie. This movie is like a Clark Kent movie. 24 hours in the day of a life of a newspaperman. But what a day. Hands down, far and away, Michael Keaton's best performance. And Ron Howard's most zippin' work, too. It's a love letter to New York City and the craft of journalism. "We took down a President." Yeah, whatever. We took a bullet, stopped the presses, saved the day, and gave birth to a child. Top that! 134 Needing You Johnny To directing Sammi Cheung and Andy Lau. The best romantic comedies in the world right now are coming out of Hong Kong. Sammi Cheung is a star in Asia, yet most Americans have never heard of her. Here she plays a girl who's taken advantage of by her boyfriend, her co-workers, her family. When she gets upset she goes on a cleaning rampage. The Chinese language seems to have a lot of "wa" sounds, and Sammi turns them all into one large whine. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. It's too damn funny. Andy Lau plays her no-nonsense boss. He has no time for romance, just uses hookers. And then Sammi accidentally starts a workplace rumor about him. It's a sex farce, and yet also a vulnerable and sweet love story. This is a brilliant peek into modern China. Romantic and funny. 135 Lost in Translation (2003) Way cool. Sofia Coppola is amazing, and Lance Acord films like a dream. Could somebody correct the biggest injustice in the movie universe and nominate Bill Murray for an Academy award? Thank you. Anyway, just an amazing film, with beautiful shot after beautiful shot. Coppola has created characters that seem extraordinarily real, as if they were people with actual lives, rather than movie characters. And she takes a basic genre--stranger in a strange land--and makes it her own. Japan has never looked so strange and so beautiful. Coppola uses the cultural conflict and the language barrier to craft an exquisite film about loneliness and alienation, as well as friendship. 136 Rio Bravo (1959) Howard Hawks' response to High Noon. In my opinion Hawks is one of the most underrated directors ever. He made comedies as brilliant as Sturges and westerns that made Ford green with envy. John Wayne dominates the screen. Of course, John Wayne always dominates the screen, but here he really really dominates the screen. And Walter Brennan is a hoot. 137 The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (1964) Jacque Demy's French musical. What's interesting about Demy's flick is how he departs from all the musical conventions established by Gene Kelly (who of course departed from the rules set by Fred Astaire). Kelly's musical rule is that it's a romantic comedy, and whenever the character feels happiness, his emotions get away from him. And he has to sing and he has to dance. In Demy's movie, on the other hand, the characters always sing. They sing everything. They sing all their lines. I don't go to opera but it sounds kinda like opera. But it's not big like opera. "I got to kill the wabbit!" It's not like that. It's an adult drama suffused with melancholy. You love someone, but you're married to another. So what do you do? Brilliant and sad little movie. 138 any random episode of Dr. Katz 139 Noises Off (1992) The movie stars Carol Burnett. Who is a notch above Tim Conway, but only a notch. And just as you say to yourself, "okay, I can look past Carol Burnett," then you notice John Ritter is in the cast as well. And Marilu Henner. And Julie Hagerty. And Christopher Reeve. You might perk up a bit when you hear that Denholm Elliott is in the cast, and Michael Caine. Caine, of course, is brilliant. And I loved Elliott in Trading Places. "Or beats them to it! Eggnog?" But you might look at all those television actors in the cast, and give this one a miss. Which would be your loss. Man, this movie is hysterical. First of all, it's directed by Peter Bogdanovich, who is very adept at directing farcical comedy. He did What's Up, Doc? And that's an excellent movie. But this movie is better, or at least funnier. The thing about Burnett and Ritter and Henner and Hagerty, none of them can act, really. Except maybe for Ritter (his performance in Sling Blade is terrific). But what they do have, all of them, is comic timing. And this movie is all about comic timing. It's a movie about a bunch of people who are trying to put on a play. And they're not ready and they're under a lot of relationship stress. And things start to go badly. It's not a film with memorable dialog. You probably won't remember any lines that you can repeat to your friends. It's not a movie with three dimensional characters, either. Denholm Elliott's character, for example, is a drunk who is hard of hearing. That's all you need to know of his character. Drunk. Hard of hearing. But if you like physical comedy, if you like fast-paced dialog, and a tempo that just goes faster and faster, and gags and gags and gags, well, this movie will leave you gasping for air. You will have to go to the hospital and put stitches in your side. It's brilliant stuff. 140 Le Million (1931) This is an early talkie, and it's French so there's adultery. Dude, even in 1931? And it's comic, it's a French adultery comedy. The Sight and Sound people called this one of the ten greatest films in the world in 1950. Now I guess they've forgotten about it, but it's still cool. There's a raffle ticket worth a million dollars, and it gets misplaced. And there's shenanigans. It's Lubitsch on speed. 141 Ghost in the Shell (1995) As Keanu would say, "Whoa." Arguably the coolest science-fiction film ever made, this cartoon will blow your mind with its vision of a future human society. The animation is sublime. Check it out. 142 M. Hulot’s Holiday (1953) Boy, Jacques Tati is an original talent. So many French films are heavy and this one is lighter than air. A visual masterpiece, you'd probably have to go back to Buster Keaton to find a movie as visually comic as this one. And Tati's framing and shots are more beautiful than Keaton's. Tati, like Jackie Chan, was born in the wrong era. All of Tati's films rock but this is probably his most brilliant work. 143 Out of the Past (1947) Robert Mitchum and Kirk Douglas. Gorgeous black and white cinematography. Directed by Jacques Tourneur. If you've seen Against All Odds, that was the not-so-awesome remake of this movie. It's good girl vs. bad girl, and Robert Mitchum just can't leave that bad girl alone. 144 Ninotchka (1939) I think perhaps this movie was the inspiration for the Police song Miss Gradenko. Garbo's fantastic. Lubitsch directs this classic anti-Communist screenplay co-written by Billy Wilder. Wilder was smacking Commies around ten years before Orwell, before Reagan, before anybody. Smack, smack, smack. It's broad, but funny as hell. 145 Let It Ride (1989) This is Richard Dreyfus' best performance, in my opinion. Hysterical movie. It captures the compulsive behavior of a gambler better than any other gambler movie, and the crazy insane joy of it. If you like to gamble, like to take risks, like to see the dog have his day, this is a fun fun ride. It might be one of the few pure "gambling" movies out there, by the way. A movie like Rounders is really a movie about card sharks, professional poker players who have actual skills. Dreyfus' character, on the other hand, has no talent. He has no skill for picking horses. He looks for signs and omens. He prays to God while kneeling before a toilet. And on this one freaky day, he keeps winning and winning. And he keeps gambling more and more. Near the end of the movie, everyone wants to know if Dreyfus bet everything on the last race. Dreyfus says he didn't bet anything. The crowd is disappointed. And then Dreyfus whispers to his friend, "I bet it all on the seven horse." And the friend turns around and yells, "he pissed it all away!" And the mob cheers. I love that part. 146 Battle of Algiers (1965) Awesome and brilliant flick about the French police battling fanatical terrorists in Algiers. Shocking, overpowering, awesome cool. You got to see this movie. Seriously intense and suspenseful flick. 147 Equinox Flower (1958) Back to the master. Ozu again returns to the theme of marriage and leaving the home. In Japan, as you may or may not know, arranged marriages used to be quite common. Your parents would decide who you would marry. Anyway, here's a nice liberal guy, whose parents arranged his wedding with his wife. And he feels that he missed out on passion and love. He's like, "hey, wife, don't you feel like we missed out on passion and love?" And she's like, "Yeah." So he thinks young people should follow their heart and pick their own spouse. Except not his own daughter, of course. I mean, who knows what kind of loser she's gonna pick for herself? So there's some drama when his daughter goes her own way. 148 Down By Law (1986) My first Jarmusch film. You know that screenwriting rule that says you should hook your audience in the first ten minutes? Well, Jarmusch ignores that rule. Not a whole hell of a lot happens in the first ten minutes. I was bored out of my mind. But I kept watching, and then the guys got arrested, and then Benigni popped up, unable to remember who was Jack and who was Zack, quoting Bob Frost, singing his ice cream song, and I was hooked. And the movie just got better and better. It's awesome. Jim Jarmusch is the best of our indy filmmakers, I think. 149 Aliens (1986) 150 Tampopo (1985) Juzo Itami is the Japanese director who made several cool films in the 1980's. All the ones I've seen are comedies, and they all rock. This one is the best movie about cooking ever made, and a homage to filmmaking to boot. 151 16 Candles (1984) 152 Double Indemnity (1944) This is one of the first, and probably the best, of the femme fatale movies. Barbara Stanwyck and Fred MacMurray sparkle. Fantastic dialog. "I wonder if you wonder." Billy Wilder at the top of his form. 153 Quadrophenia (1979) Reporter: "Are you a mod or a rocker?" Ringo: "I'm a mocker." That's too funny. But in the 1960's in the UK, whether you were a mod or a rocker was a very big deal. People would have fights about it. The Who, as you may or may not know, were mods, and so they did the soundtrack to this, the mod movie. And man, the music is cool. If you haven't seen it, check it out. 154 any random episode of Cupid. Jeremy Piven stars as a guy who's either Cupid, or he's mentally ill. And there's a woman who's maybe his psychiatrist, or his probation officer. Anyway, she's trying to cure him. Meanwhile, he's going around and inspiring love in people, while denying the validity of psychiatry. It's an awesome show. Only lasted for one season, and they cancelled it. Idiots! Morons! Evil people in suits! And the same network morons, or similar network morons, have decided to remake this show, while the original is still unavailable on DVD. That's just evil, man. 155 As Good As It Gets (1997) I think this is Jack's funniest movie, hands down. Nobody, but nobody, can play an a-hole as well as he can, and still make him likable. How do you write women so well? I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability. That scene kills me. This receptionist is so ready to sleep with him, her breasts are just heaving, all he has to do is be polite, and he can't even handle that. What's refreshing about the character is he is so honest. He's a jerk, he knows he's a jerk, and he's not going to hide it. The woman annoyed him with her naiveté and her idealism, and he just crushes her. Call me a sucker but I love a movie where an s.o.b. is redeemed. And it is so hard to play redeemed, most actors cannot do it. I liked Jack dropping the dog down the garbage chute. I liked "hump hump bar." I liked the sweet old grandmother who comes out of her apartment, all smiling and happy, and then she sees Jack and the expression on her face. I like the way Jack deals with homosexuals and his homophobia. The way he pauses and then pats Greg on the shoulder. I wish that did it for me, buddy. I liked the dog liking Jack, and I liked Jack liking the dog in return. Some people have wonderful lives. Just nobody in this car. I liked the expression on Jack's face, when he tries to do "my life is worse than your life," and nobody cares. I like how none of the other waitresses will wait on him, that only Helen Hunt can deal with him, and how desperate Jack is that she goes to work. So he can eat again. I'm not going to sleep with you. Ever. While she's holding her wet shirt away from her breasts. I liked her writing a 10-page thank you note. You make me want to be a better man. I like when he tells her that he sees her, that he gets her, and nobody else gets her, and that makes him feel pretty good about himself. It's not just a compliment, but a declaration of love. Yeah, he's an a-hole, but at least he gets what a great person she is. Other people see waitress and he sees her. And maybe it will never work, as a matter of fact I have a tough time imagining the relationship working, but for the moment, we believe it. We believe it might happen, that this jerk can be redeemed by her kindness and decency. Certainly he believes it. And nobody smiles like Jack, nobody. 156 Design For Living (1933) 157 Rocket Science (2007) Awesome indy flick about a high school debate tournament and a love affair gone awry. It's frickin brilliant. Gets a lot of comparisons to Rushmore. Not quite as funny as Wes Anderson, but damn funny in spots and sharp. Painfully sharp in places. Makes you go wow. 158 Decalog: Ten (1988) Kieslowski again, in light comic mode. Each of these stories are like moral lessons. Some are brilliant and mind-expanding. Others are like getting hit on the hand with a ruler. This one is pitch perfect, a behavior lesson that is cynical and whimsical and amusing through and through. Sort of like the ancient Greek comic ideal, laughing at the foibles of man. Kinda reminds me of a Dortmunder book, if you dig Westlake. 159 The Killing (1956) This early Kubrick effort is spectacular. Visually stunning (of course) and lots of fun. Sterling Hayden leads the cast. 160 The Haunting (1963) I fell asleep the first time I tried to watch this, many moons ago, and remember being highly annoyed at the whiny thought processes of the protagonist. Finally I got around to watching the whole movie, late at night. Awesome. A genuinely scary movie. I'm talking about the original, of course, not the lameass remake. I was particularly amused by the not-so-subtle lesbian. Add this to the cool-movies-with-lesbians master list. Scarier than Jaws. Scarier than anything. 161 Night of the Demon (1957) Scorsese fave Jacques Tourneur directed this. It's a beautiful little B horror picture filmed in England. He opens the movie with some awesome shots of Stonehenge. No real relevance to the movie at all, but it's cool as hell. A cult of devil worshipers are being investigated by a group of skeptical scientists. And the scientists keep dying. Man! The black and white cinematography here is awesome. Tourneur's claim to fame is how cool his films look--especially when you consider their low budget, B picture status. This is almost an A picture, though. Dana Andrews is in it, and Niall MacGinnis is way cool as the head devil worshiper. Not really scary, but it's atmospheric and loads of fun. Just a super-cool flick. 162 Three Little Bops (1955) Cartoon remake of the Three Little Pigs, put to jazz music. The pigs are jazz musicians and are really cool. They're in shades. The wolf wants to play with them. But he's square, man. He's huffin' and puffin' on his horn and he's just no good. This whole cartoon is sung by some 50's crooner, and it's hoppin', man. The pigs are playing in some jazz club, the House of Sticks. They're laughing at the wolf. He's a furious outcast. And so he decides to use high explosives to blow the place up. The wolf ends up sending himself to hell. And of course once he dies, his art improves. His dead wolf spirit, burning in hell, learns how to make music. "The big bad wolf, he learned the rule. You got to get hot, to play real cool." Dude, Three Little Bops is on fire. 163 Across the Pacific (1942) I just saw this movie recently--it's now my second favorite Bogart-Huston collaboration (behind The Maltese Falcon). Co-starring Sydney Greenstreet and Mary Astor. Is this the first spy movie ever made? The first American film with martial arts? I think if Cary Grant was cast in this role, it would almost be recognized as a screwball comedy. The Bogart-Astor scenes are a priceless example of a love/hate romance. Astor kisses Bogie, and gets seasick. Bogie drinks too much, and gets seasick. The two mock each other without mercy. The movie is quite unusual, a light-hearted and breezy propaganda film. Is the film jingoistic? A little. Of course, it was released in 1942 and filmed around the time of Pearl Harbor. The title, Across the Pacific, is clearly symbolic of the threat Japan posed to us. (The characters never actually make it to the Pacific Ocean in the movie). There's a scene where Bogart makes fun of a Japanese name. And another scene where one Japanese servant is replaced by a Japanese spy. Astor comments on it, and Bogart replies. Bogart: "Are you sure? You know what they say, they all look alike." Astor: "No they don't! Not if you look close." By and large, though, the film isn't hateful. In fact, it's quite respectful of the Japanese culture, although Huston does emphasize how foreign the Japanese are. There's an interesting Japanese-American character, Joe, who has ruthlessly eliminated all traces of his Japanese heritage from his personality. It's a fascinating character, actually. And of course Greenstreet is brilliant as a Japanese sympathizer. Huston is also careful to put Japanese characters in the film who are not bad guys, which is pretty darn progressive in 1942. Anyway, the film is quite interesting as a historical document of a certain time and place. The world is at war; Japanese-Americans are being put into concentrating camps (requiring Huston to use a largely Chinese-American cast as the bad guys). And Huston himself would leave during shooting to film documentaries for the army. Despite all this (maybe because of it), the film is light-hearted and fun, and as entertaining today as it was back then. I rec it highly. 164 Ball of Fire (1941) Howard Hawks again, directing off Billy Wilder's script. Wilder learned how to direct films by watching Hawks direct this movie. Gary Cooper plays an absent-minded professor (a common screwball motif) who is working on an encyclopedia with several other professors, all of whom resemble the Seven Dwarfs. Gangster moll Barbara Stanwyck hides out there for awhile. 165 Caddyshack (1980) 166 One Hour With You (1932) A lot of people hate romantic comedies, or rom-coms as we romantics like to call them. "We know how it's going to end." This is true, but it's also true of horror movies. Romantic comedies always end up with happy love, and horror movies always end up with decapitated sorority girls. I don't mind genre movies, in fact I love them if they are well-executed. Having said that, the movies that work the best for me push the boundaries of the genre. I dislike unrelentingly dark movies that have no goodness, and I also dislike romantic comedies that have no edge. My favorite rom-coms are classic screwballs with a dark side, usually involving divorce, adultery, bigamy, stalking, obsessive love, insanity. (My favorite horror films involve sharks that blow up, and vampires that burn). The masters of the romantic comedy flirt and tease us with our bad, selfish desires. People who hate rom-coms need to grapple with the masters of the genre: Hawks, Sturges, Wilder and, of course, Lubitsch. Here Lubitsch hits on all cylinders, with his favorite actor, Maurice Chevalier. Chevalier is a likable rogue, a dog with a devilish grin. His songs are brilliant and stay with you. The movie is glib about adultery, too glib I think, but it's also provocative and funny and lighter than air. 167 All Through the Night (1942) 168 State and Main (2000) Mamet should write more comedies, he's brilliant at it. Macy: "Would you like a cigar?" Durning: "Aren't these illegal?" Macy (laughing): "Why would they be illegal?" Durning: "Because of the trade embargo with Cuba." slight pause Macy: "Nobody tells me anything." 169 Poltergeist (1982) Great movie, I've seen it two or three times, never get tired of it. Definitely Spielberg's film, it's got him all over it. Got to suck to be Tobe Hooper. Hooper: "Action!" Spielberg: "Not yet, Tobe." Hooper: "Never mind! Inaction! Inaction!" One disappointment for me was the score. This movie could have been genuinely spooky. But you can't be scared, cause they keep playing happy music all during the movie. What's with the happy music? John Williams, what were you thinking? Spielberg: "John, I need you to do the score on the Poltergeist movie." Williams: "Steven, whatever you want, I love working with you." Spielberg: "Well, actually, Tobe Hooper is directing the film." Williams: "Oh. You know, Steven? I've got other commitments." So no John Williams. Still a great movie, though, even though it's cute and perky rather than dark and scary. Random musings on the Spielberg universe: 1) In suburbia, the backyards are huge. You've got a big scary tree, a swimming pool, caskets, dead people, bulldozers, construction crews--a lot of stuff going on in the backyard. Sideyard? You got no sideyard. Your neighbor's house is five feet away. He changes your TV stations with his remote control. 2) 35-year-old fat guy, has to go buy beer for the guys during the football game. So does he get in his car and drive over to the store? No. He gets on his bicycle. Everyone in suburbia rides their bicycle, even the 35-year-old fat guys with the beer. 3) No anger in the Spielberg universe. Kids drive their remote control cars under the fat guy's bike, making him spill his beer. Does he get mad and cuss? No. Craig T. Nelson says he won't let go of the rope. So what does he do? Lets go of the rope. Does JoBeth Williams get mad? No. Even though she had all this goo on her, and gray hair now. Construction guy reaches his arms through the window, stealing coffee and danish. Does JoBeth Williams get mad? No. Psychic has no friggin clue about whether you're supposed to go into the light, or run away from the light. Do parents get mad? Yeah, a little, but not as mad as I would have gotten. Make up your friggin mind! And I wouldn't have said "friggin," either. Crap has been flying around the house all week, daughter has been sucked into the television set, psychic who has no clue about the light announces "this house is clean," and Craig T. Nelson announces, "Honey, I'm going to the office." No anger at this announcement? "What? What? How can you run to the office? You stupid Republican!" That's what JoBeth Williams should have said. There is some anger when Craig T. Nelson returns from work, to find caskets all over his back yard. He yells at his boss. But he's not really mad, he's Basil Exposition, otherwise people would wonder, why the hell are there dead people in the swimming pool? Basically no anger in the Spielberg universe. 4) Lot of fear, though. The whiny eight-year old is afraid of thunder, trees, and clowns. And he keeps a clown on a chair right next to his bed, God knows why. If you're afraid of clowns, don't buy a clown, ya idiot. This is the whiniest eight-year-old in the history of cinema. "Yes, yes, please go to your grandmother's house!" That's me, speaking out to my television set. I'm sorry, but there is no way in hell this kid is going to be able to sleep in the room where all the crap had been floating around for a week. "What? I have to sleep in here?" Clowns he's scared of, and thunder, but going back to sleep in Spook Central, that's okay. more random musings: JoBeth Williams' character is 32, and she has a 16-year-old daughter. Man, I want to hear this backstory. "Yes, I was 16 and pregnant in high school, but it was 1966 and everybody was cool then, except for the squares. And later we went to Woodstock and Craig T. Nelson proposed while we were skinny dipping. And later we sold out and became upper middle class. Now I'm the happy high homemaker, who never gets mad." I love the scene where they first discover the poltergeist in the kitchen. JoBeth Williams gives Craig T. Nelson her little speech. "Remember when we used to be open-minded about things?" (Subtext: "Remember when we used to do lots of acid? Well, watch this!") Then the chair goes sliding across the floor. Then she puts her daughter in the magic circle. (Daughter's wearing a football helmet for safety purposes, I love that part). Daughter goes sliding across the floor. JoBeth Williams jumps up in the air, so excited. "Honey, you feel this tingle!" Meanwhile, Craig T. Nelson is over on the floor. "Bad trip. Baaaaaaaaaaaaad. I wanna go to the office." He didn't say that, but you could tell that's what he was thinking. So I think the lessons in the Spielberg universe are: 1) always move the bodies 2) don't spend too much time at the office 170 High Noon (1952) A classic commentary on duty and bravery. Shot in real time, the marshall tries to deputize the townspeople to help him, and none of them step up. Gary Cooper is brilliant as the lead, a man who's convinced he's going to die but nonetheless is resolved to stick it out. You barely register that Grace Kelly is his wife. When she saw this movie, and compared Cooper's performance with her own, she decided to seek acting lessons. Contrast her work here with what she would do with Hitchcock a year or two later, it's night and day. Of course, Hitchcock loved her, which helps. 171 The Natural (1984) I love this movie. I love Bull Durham, too. But man, these two baseball movies are different. In The Natural, Roy Hobbs has this bat, that he carved out of the tree that was struck by lightning, right where his father died. Wonderboy! "I boned it so it wouldn't chip." Anyway, Roy is talking to the loser of a batboy, Bobby Savoy. He kind of adopts the kid. And Roy helps Bobby make his own bat. At the end of the movie, Wonderboy splits in two. Hobbs needs a new bat. He says, "Pick me out a winner, Bobby." And Bobby runs and gets his bat, the Savoy Special. It's a wonderful, touching moment. Contrast Bull Durham. Crash Davis is at the plate. He's got Annie Savoy in his head. (Is the last name a coincidence? You be the judge). Crash needs a minute to focus. He calls time-out, steps out of the batter box. Yells at the ballboy for a towel. The ballboy comes running out. For a second you think, they're going to develop a special relationship. Ballboy: "Get a hit, Crash." Crash: "Shut up." 172 Youth of the Beast (1963) Suzuki again. Suzuki has maybe the most amazing set design of any filmmaker in the history of cinema. This gangster flick visually kicks ass, and the soundtrack's no slouch. 173 The Most Dangerous Game (1932) Wow. This movie was made by the team that brought us King Kong. They filmed the two movies at the same time, even used some of the same sets and actors. Kong is good but this movie is superior in every way. Terrific acting. Joel McCrea is good, Fay Wray can scream, Robert Armstrong is amusing as the obnoxious drunk, and Leslie Banks is absolutely amazing. I've never seen Banks before, and I want to see him again. What an amazing actor. It's a very adult movie. I guess the "damsel in distress" genre is filled with rape themes, at least on a subconscious level. Here the filmmakers up the stakes with some chilling, yet funny, dialog from Banks, playing the uber male bad guy. Some of the special effects are way cool, including a severed head floating in a tank. Criterion has an excellent print of this, with a nice commentary by a film scholar. 174 Toy Story (1995) 175 La Lettre (1998) If you love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, then you must check out this French short by the same guy. 176 Way...Way Out (1966) 177 Three Colors: White (1994) Kieslowski's comedy is about an impotent man who wants to take vengeance on his wife for leaving him. So he mails himself back home to Poland in a suitcase and has adventures. Light, funny stuff, but also touching and melancholic. 178 A Christmas Story (1983) 179 The Thin Man (1934) 180 Jaws (1975) 181 Citizen Kane (1941) Orson Welles' first film, and his best. It's a diatribe against capitalism, and is a little silly in places. Did they sell the kid to the bank? I think they sold him to the bank. It's a big movie, ambitious, pretentious, and highly original. Toland's cinematography is breathtaking, and the use of sound sets the standard. Also the acting is phenomenal. Orson has an undeniable screen presence. And he was unafraid to take risks. For instance, he often did odd or unusual things with his camera. This film is filled with "look at me!" shots. It's a visually fascinating film--it doesn't look like any film from the classic era--and it's an influential film. Welles did a lot of close-ups, and often put his camera extremely low, giving the characters (and the film) a giant quality. This is visually exciting and cool, but it also has a tendency to fracture the narrative and take us out of the movie. Welles violates many of the cardinal rules of filmmaking, rules designed to engage the audience emotionally with the story. His cinematic style leaves us in the audience feeling a little cold toward the characters, who aren't particularly likable anyway. It's a negative film about humanity, really, and a sad film. And yet you don't cry for any of these characters. It's a brilliant and cold work of art. 182 You're Telling Me W.C. Fields rocks. Love him, can't get enough of him. He's an American original, as brilliant as the Marx brothers, easily one of the funniest people from the 20th century. A genius. Love it when he shoots the cop's tire, and then he does it again. 183 The Sin of Harold Diddlebock (1947) 184 CQ (2001) I just saw CQ, directed by Roman Coppola. Loved it. Awesome movie. The idea is horrible--why don't we make a movie about a guy making a movie? It's a particularly bad idea from a first-time writer/director. Not only have some pretty talented people already been down this road (Fellini and Truffaut, to name two) but you know every hack and would-be auteur has written a movie about a guy making a movie. Hell, I have a script about a guy making a movie. So the idea is completely unoriginal. But the execution is phenomenal. Set in 1969, the protagonist is a young film editor working in Paris on a movie called Dragonfly, a sort of cross between Barbarella and Alphaville. Meanwhile, the editor has "borrowed" some equipment and is working on his own movie, a black-and-white thing in his little apartment that he shares with his French girlfriend. Only, he has no idea what to film. So he films soap, his coffee, and his naked French girlfriend, who is often annoyed at him. The film consists of three films, really. The color Dragonfly, which looks absolutely spectacular, a pop-Art extravaganza, what Barbarella should have been. It's way cool and beautiful, very stylish and with a completely idiotic plot. Snow on the moon, guns that freeze people, and a beautiful slutty super spy dressed in a cool little kinky pinky leather number, code name: Dragonfly. She's assigned by some CIA type organization to fight the revolutionary played by Billy Zane, who wants to fight the power so people can make love all day. Then there's the black and white non-film. He just wants to make something "honest and true." And his girlfriend says, "You know, maybe all you're doing is boring people. Have you thought of that?" And then there is our film, which encompasses both of these films and adds to our enjoyment of each. We see the "commercial" filmmaker, the "artistic" filmmaker, and the ordinary guy who's struggling to make sense of it all. One of the things that's brilliant about this film is that every criticism you have is brought up in the film itself, in the head of the young filmmaker. (Played by Jeremy Davies, who starred in Spanking the Monkey). Just when I'm thinking the film is kind of disjointed, a character comes on and says the film is kind of disjointed. A critic says "You need to make connections so there is an emotional resonance with the audience." And then, wow, by the end of the movie I've made an emotional connection. It's not at all like any of his dad's films, which tend to be highly structured. It's most similar to 8½, I suppose, although personally I enjoyed it even more than 8½. Coppola successfully avoids pretension, I think. Most of the film seems like slices of life or dreams. It's a little slow in places--the main character's most common line has to be "I don't know," and the film is very self-conscious, as all these sorts of films tend to be. But the cinematography carries the day. Absolutely beautiful images are in this film. If you prefer a more straightforward narrative, with external conflicts, you probably won't like this one. But the more movies you've seen, the more you will appreciate something like this. It's quite amazing, and I really want to see what Roman Coppola does next. 185 Stolen Kisses (1968) Truffaut's semi-autobiographical films--at least the first three of them--are genius. 400 Blows is still, I think, the best of the bunch, but the next two have an air of comedy that make them fascinating and cool. Political riots almost destroy Paris in '68 and Truffaut has zero interest. He'd rather make a little love story, and he knocks out a classic. Why do people care about France and what France has to say about world affairs? It's not because France is filled with smart philosophers or brilliant theorists. It's cause the French, when they want to, can charm the pants off you, and Truffaut in my opinion is the finest example of that in cinema. 186 My Man Godfrey (1936) Ditsy society girl falls in love with a homeless man after making him her butler. Some really amazing cinematography here. William Powell is great. 187 Clue (1985) 188 Artists and Models (1955) 189 Life Lessons (1989) Martin Scorsese's short film from New York Stories. Most of Scorsese's art is about his obsessions: the Mafia, the Church, masculinity. This is not a movie about any of Scorsese's various obsessions. Rather it is a movie about the nature of obsession itself, and how it affects art and the artist who creates it. It is easily Scorsese's most reflective work, and I think his most interesting and accomplished film. Nick Nolte plays an artist who is obsessed with a woman. He stares at her, particularly her ankles. His attention and desire drives her crazy. She tries to escape, tries to be free, tries to get away from him. She cheats on him. In his fury, Nolte paints. He turns on rock music very loud and throws paint onto a canvas. Nick Nolte is amazing here. The first time I saw it, I concluded that Nolte was doing everything on purpose. There was a method to his madness. The second time I saw it, it struck me that Nolte was self-aware, he knew what was happening, but he was in fact out of control, too. His obsession had him. A fascinating peek into the inner world of an artist. 190 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) Michel Gondry is a genius. How the hell did France manage to let him slip away? And Kaufman's screenplay is amazing. The knock against Kaufman is that his stuff is too intellectual, too removed from emotions. Well, not here. If you've ever had a serious breakup that hurt you, this movie will touch you. It is an intellectual movie, no question, but it's also the most emotionally compelling screenplay Kaufman has written. There is real pain on the screen. The filmmakers captured the disjointed feeling that you have when you suffer an emotional loss. If you've ever felt that way, watching this film gives you a powerful sense of recognition, if not deja vu. The acting is terrific. Kirsten Dunst in her underwear, dancing on the bed. Boy. And yeah, Carrey can act, for those who were wondering. He's wonderful in this. All the actors are terrific, but it's Carrey's show and he owns it. The movie is very disjointed, and so the emotions are more ad hoc than in a straightforward narrative. But unlike Adaptation (which is ultimately just a gimmick flick), this movie is about much more than another version of "inside Kaufman's head". There are a ton of emotional moments throughout the picture that are both brilliant and honest. When the two lovers are lying on the ice. When they see the elephant in the street. When they're trying to hide somewhere in Carrey's brain. And what's heartbreaking about all of this is that Carrey's memory may be skewing the relationship, making it more intimate than it actually was. The movie is a brilliant illustration of heartbreak and alienation. Offhand I'd say it's the best movie ever about those particular topics. Bravo. 191 The Little Mermaid (1989) One of the things Michael Eisner did when he was in charge of Disney is he brought back the cartoon. The Disney cartoons of the '90's were expensive and time-consuming. Hand-drawn animation, and lots of musical numbers. Most of the Disney cartoons of this era are PC as hell, kiddie indoctrination. The Little Mermaid impresses because it's old-fashioned, about forbidden love and following your heart. The musical numbers are fantastic and the undersea animation is amazing. 192 Breaker Morant (1980) "I'll tell you what rule we followed, sir. We followed rule .303. We found them, and we shot them, under rule .303!" Best courtroom drama I've ever seen, bar none. And one of the best war movies and one of the best westerns, if you want to call it that. Is South Africa west? Anyway, there are horses and shooting and stuffy Brits and audacious Aussies. Bruce Beresford would later go to America and make Driving Miss Daisy, but this is his best movie, I think. 193 The Long Goodbye (1973) Best. Ending. Ever. 194 Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) 195 La Jetee (1962) Chris Marker does this way cool 30 minute short film. It's a science-fiction story, and a love story, told in freeze frames. This cinematic technique dominates the film, of course, and influences how it affects us emotionally. Brilliantly original work of art. Way cooler than 12 Monkeys, the remake, which is good but not timeless brilliant art, which is what Marker achieves here. 196 Oscar (1991) Sly Stallone in a comedy, and a good one. He plays "Snaps" Provolone, a gangster who wants to go straight. John Landis is making a homage to Preston Sturges here, I think. He even has a small part for Eddie Bracken. Fast paced farce. Landis will always be remembered for Animal House (and for accidentally killing some people while filming The Twilight Zone), but this in my opinion is the highlight of his career. 197 Where’s Marlowe? (1999) 198 The Dot and the Line 199 Men in Black (1997) 200 Along Came Polly (2004) Humor is funny. Most of the things we find funny are things that are odd or off. For instance, Alec Baldwin fondling Ben Stiller's ear while he's standing at a urinal, that's funny. Why is it funny? I dunno. The homophobia of an uptight man who just wants to pee is funny. And he can't say anything cause it's his boss. Which is like sex harassment. And that's funny. And Alec Baldwin doesn't seem to realize how frickin' gay his behavior is. And that's funny. Ben Stiller is the best uptight man working in movies right now. He makes uptight seem normal. He's playing it like he's the straight man, but his straightness is so severely straight that he's the funny man, too. His facial expressions are priceless. He wants to say or do something, but his body stiffens up. He freezes and represses all feeling. He doesn't want to slap Polly on the ass. He slaps her on the ass because he thinks other men are slapping women on the ass, and women like it. Everyone is having assslapping fun except him. So he slaps her on the ass. "Did you just slap me on the ass?" "No. No, I didn't." His repression is funny, his lying. Denial is funny. And Polly isn't mad. That makes it even funnier. She's perplexed and confused. Like she's with a man who has no idea what he's doing. You know, I'm a Republican. I believe people ought to stay married. Even after an adultery. Go to counseling, work it out. I don't believe in divorce. What makes this movie so amazing is that it makes me abandon my whole belief system. By the end of the movie I'm like, "Divorce your wife!" And I feel this way, the whole audience feels this way, because his wife signifies repression. He's unable to confront her or get mad at her or hate her. All his emotions are constipated around her. Polly, on the other hand, frees him up. "Stab a pillow." And he doesn't want to stab a pillow. Why doesn't he want to stab a pillow? Because his instinct is to repress his anger and hatred. And Polly's like, "Go on. Stab it." And he stabs the pillow. And he loves it so much. He stabs that pillow over and over. He goes serial killer on the pillow. When he confronts his wife at the end of the movie, he references her stupid pillows. Why is he talking about her pillows? Cause he just called his wife a bitch--for the first time in his life--and he immediately thinks of how Polly has released all his emotions. She gave him permission to feel hate and stab a pillow. She is the one who has freed him. Polly is a brilliant creation, and Jennifer Anniston is amazing. She is flower power. It is the hippie performance of a millennium. She has captured a sweet liberal vibe of nonjudgment. She is accepting and nice and open. And what happens of course as she opens him up is that honest feeling comes out. He teases her and says what he thinks. They have fights. "You were in the model U.N., Polly. What the hell happened?" That cracks me up. And she criticizes him and defends her lifestyle. And the storm rages and her ferret smacks into walls. This honesty, this real emotion, is why we are pulling for the two of them. They are achieving an intimacy. She needs him, to organize her life, to straighten her out. He needs her to loosen him up and get naked on a beach. It is their opposition and their openness about it that makes their intimacy and their love believable. Uptight Ben Stiller has run-ins with French nudits, gay Spainards, thrill-seeking Australians and Indian cuisine. Everyone is out of control except for him. He stands there and listens to that damn French nudist tell his hippo story ("I'm not familiar with that story"), unable to express his pain, anger or hurt. And yet when some Spaniard is all over Polly at the dance club, he starts to crack. "I'm not going to let you come in here, with your cool Erik Estrada moves. Cause it's happened before." He doesn't fight for his wife. It doesn't even occur to him to fight for his wife. But he's willing to fight for Polly. He's willing to fight in a bathroom for Polly. And then he's willing to dance with a gay man for her. "Hey, can you teach me how to dance?" The dance scene with Polly, in slow motion, is priceless. There are people who dance to impress you with how cool they are. Ben Stiller is not one of those people. He's not cool and he doesn't care. He has practiced his own moves, he's confident, and he's enjoying himself. And he dominates the dance floor. Everybody backs the hell off and gives him room. You better back off, otherwise he might break your ankle with one of his dance moves. It is his willingness to make a complete dancing ass out of himself, his utter commitment to the dance, that wins Polly's heart. She is amazed at all the hours he must have put in to learn how to dance at all. She is befuddled that somebody would put in all this effort for her. And then she is overcome with a love for how happy he is, and how happy she has made him. It's a good movie. 201 Thunderball (1965) Really he's a sociopath who brings out the worst in male fantasies. "Ooo, ooo, I want a license to kill, and I want to drive fast and be as promiscuous as possible." Possibly the worst role model ever. Yet I still love the guy. This is the best cause it's got sharks in the swimming pool. 202 The Player (1992) 203 Mon Oncle (1958) Tati again, with his hapless hero. Incredible visual poetry here, nobody does a visual gag like Tati, nobody. 204 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) 205 How To Steal a Million (1966) 206 any random episode of Key West 207 The Maggie The humor here is very dry and British, but there's so much of it, I couldn't stop laughing. After World War II the Brits for several years were making the funniest movies in the world, all of them from Ealing studios. Most of them starred Obi-Wan, this one's got nobody and it's the funniest of the bunch. Directed by Charles Crichton, who went on to direct the coolest Avengers episode in the '60s and A Fish Called Wanda in the '80s. There' s a guy who should have had a bigger career. Anyway, check it out, it's pretty damn hysterical I say. 208 Black Angel 209 A Matter of Life and Death (1946) a.k.a. "Stairway to Heaven". Nothing more exciting than finding a cinematic auteur, somebody with a vision who sees the world a bit differently than everybody else. Michael Powell (director) and Emeric Pressburger (screenwriter) are like that, making films about passionate people who follow their heart. The Red Shoes and Black Narcissus are probably their two most disciplined films, but my favorite is this over-the-top masterpiece about an R.A.F. pilot who falls in love with a voice on the radio right before he dies in a crash. 210 The Nutty Professor (1963) 211 Bedazzled (1967) Peter Cook is the devil, Dudley Moore is the short-order cook. I think Raquel Welch plays Lust. Yeah she does. Damn funny stuff, Cook and Moore at their raunchiest are arguably funnier than anything Python ever did. Laughed so hard I was crying, couldn't breathe, and my ribs were aching. I thought I was gonna die it was so funny. 212 Days of Being Wild Wong Kar-Wai again. He captures heartbreak and wistful memories like nobody else. And of course Doyle's cinematography is gorgeous, too. 213 The Mandarin Mystery (1936) 214 Awesome: I Fookin' Shot That And it is awesome, too. Documentary of a concert the Beastie Boys put on in Madison Square Garden. They handed out 90 or so cameras to random fans and told them to shoot the concert. Then one of the Beasties--Mike D., maybe, I can't remember--edited the footage into a kickass flick. It helps of course if you like their music. I'm not a huge fan, don't own any of their records, but I like 'em. "Sabotage" is an awesome song. You remember how cool that music video was? Directed by Spike Jonze? Well, this concert is cooler. I'm not really a fan of non-fiction cinema. Even when a doc is done well, I usually don't have an urge to see it again. But the superlative ones, for me, are the ones that capture moments, moments that you want to relive. Step Into Liquid is like that, the best surfing doc ever made. Well, this is the best music video I've ever seen in my life. And it's 90 minutes long (and then some, with a couple of hours of bonus materials). 215 Unfaithfully Yours (1948) Preston Sturges, again. Rex Harrison this time, playing an orchestra conductor who suspects his wife is having an affair. Harrison has several fantasies about how he should handle the situation, all of the fantasies dependent upon what piece the orchestra is playing. (I think it's Wagner that makes him homicidal). Both highbrow humor and lowbrow slapstick. 216 Take Me Out To The Ball Game (1949) 217 Metropolitan (1990) 218 Animal House (1978) 219 Mission: Impossible (1996) 220 Yojimbo (1961) Prequel to Sanjuro. Kurosawa made a bunch of samurai flicks, but aside from Rashomon--which is a great deal more than a samurai flick--he made two that stand out as the best in the genre, Yojimbo and Sanjuro. All that Sergio Leone "man with no name" stuff was a rip-off of Yojimbo, and as much as I dig Eastwood he ain't in the same ballpark as Mifune. The sequel, Sanjuro, is actually cooler, more beautiful, and funnier, but Yojimbo is pretty damn cool all its ownself. 221 The Big Heat (1953) Fritz Lang corker with Glenn Ford making Dirty Harry look like a little wuss. Far and away the best cop movie ever made, right here. 222 Deadly is the Female (1949) For those of you who think Bonnie and Clyde is a great movie, you should watch the source material first. One of the crazy guys from Hitchcock's Rope (John Dall) falls in love with the wrong girl and goes on a bank robbery rampage. Godard used to crack that all a director needs to make a movie is a girl and a gun. Well, this movie proves it. "Oh baby, you got me so excited. I can't stop shooting my gun!" Low budget indy B picture, but with amazing black and white cinematography, particularly the ending in the swamp. Wow. 223 Safety Last! (1923) Harold Lloyd, the forgotten man. You ever wonder who that guy was, hanging on the arms of a clock? That's Harold Lloyd. He was the #2 silent film comedian, right after Chaplin. Preston Sturges attempted to resurrect him, making The Sin of Harold Diddlebock (which is awesome by the way). But his persona is kind of sappy and doesn't hold up well. On the other hand, Lloyd is arguably a better athlete than Buster. Here the entire second half of the movie is him climbing up the side of a skyscraper. That's pretty damn cool. Lot of near death gags involving a pigeon. 224 Stranger Than Paradise (1983) It took me a while to realize this, but Jim Jarmusch is basically the American version of Yasujiro Ozu. (In the Sight and Sound poll, Jarmusch named Ozu's Tokyo Story as one of the 10 best films of all time). Both filmmakers often shoot in black and white, with static cameras and slow pacing. Both tell "small" stories, with little emphasis on emotion. Both Jarmusch and Ozu appear to tell the same story, over and over, with some variations. Jarmusch loves to make movies about loners and misfits--your basic fish-out-of-water story. Ozu, on the other hand, is always making movies about family dynamics, specifically the relations between parents and their children. 225 Kiss Me Deadly (1955) Boy, this is cool. It's a film noir based on the Mike Hammer books, directed and produced by Robert Aldrich. Low budget B flick, but a cult classic today. Aldrich takes the basic "Hammer" persona--simple tough guy--and blows it up. If you ever wondered why Tarantino put a glowing suitcase in Pulp Fiction, it was a tribute to Kiss Me Deadly. Or the glowing trunk in Repo Man? Ditto. David Lynch also swiped gleefully from this film when he made Lost Highway, and Bunuel when he made Belle de Jour. The film has an amazing opening sequence. A woman is running down a highway, wearing nothing but an overcoat. She breathlessly tries to flag down passing automobiles. Finally she stands in front of one, forcing the driver (Mike Hammer) to veer off the road to avoid hitting her. Hammer growls at her to get in. Over her heavy breathing (it sounds like she's having sex) the credits roll up the screen, backwards. It's amazing, you have to see it to believe it. The protagonist, Mike Hammer, is a P.I. who specializes in divorce cases. His m.o.? He uses his beautiful secretary to seduce married men, and then he confronts them with the evidence, and blackmails them. Or he seduces the wife himself and blackmails her. So this Hammer character about as sleazy as they come. "Open a window," says one cop as Hammer is leaving. What makes this all the more interesting is that Hammer himself appears to have no interest in women. His secretary, named Velma Wakeman ("wake man") continually throws herself at Hammer, but he never responds. Other women throw themselves at Hammer. "How do you spell no?" he asks one. Some have suggested that the Hammer character is sexually impotent. Which might explain why he's so darn mad all the time. Throughout the film Hammer beats people up, or is beaten up himself. And from his smile it is apparent that he really enjoys it. He's maybe the most unlikable protagonist I've ever seen in a movie. Yet the violence is almost laughingly over-the-top. Hammer is such a Neanderthal. He get so mad at culture, he breaks a Caruso record. In a sense Aldrich mocks the whole tough guy genre. No matter how hard and tough you are, there's always somebody (or something) who's harder than you. The French critics went crazy for this one. You can enjoy this on the mindless Spillane level (really mindless), or you can think about this one. It's provocative. What's fascinating about the movie--and a complete departure from the Spillane novel--is the glowing suitcase. I won't comment on what I think it is--I'm not sure what it is-but I think it's clear by the end of the movie that the film is quite different from what it first appears. I rec this film highly, particularly if you like noir films, or movies that have underlying themes that run contrary to the official story. 226 Diabolique (1955) Hitchcock tried to buy the rights to this French novel, but was beaten out by French producers who gave the movie to Henri-Georges Clouzot to direct. (Hitchcock would have more luck with the writers' next book, which would become his Vertigo). Clouzot made several suspense films in France in the 40's and 50's. This odd, dark film is about a love triangle--a man, his wife and his mistress at a spooky boarding school, and a murder plot that involves all three. Good stuff. You want to avoid the American remake. 227 Michael Clayton (2007) Damn this movie is good. Amazing performances all around. Is there a better actor, right now, than Tom Wilkinson? And Clooney gives his strongest performance ever. It's like every other Clooney performance except sharper, more defined. Tilda Swinton, awesome. Sydney Pollack, I love that guy. I knew in the first five minutes, when Pollack told off that Wall Street Journal reporter, that this was gonna be a good movie. The dialog crackles. It's the director's first movie. He's written a bunch of screenplays--all the Bourne films, plus some crapola. And let me tell you, there's nothing better than a first time director with something to prove. You know he is busting his ass to get it right. Otherwise he's never going to get another chance. And the producers do their best to help out the new guy, so they make sure he's surrounded by talented people. So, for instance, they get PTA's cinematographer, Robert Elswit, to shoot the movie. And damn this film looks good. If Elswit doesn't get an Oscar nomination for this I will kiss my granny. And she's dead. And they get James Newton Howard to compose the music, he's one of the best. He does all the Shyamalan flicks, Batman Begins, Collateral, King Kong. So the movie looks good and it sounds good, and the writing's good. So the only worry with a new director is whether the acting is up to snuff. And damn, the acting is maybe the strongest part of the movie. Tony Gilroy has, with one flick, put himself in the upper echelon of "actor's directors," a guy who knows what a good performance is and knows how to get it. He's working at Michael Mann level here. Good stuff. Four directors signed on to produce this guy: Clooney, Pollack, Steven Soderbergh and Anthony Minghella. So you know it's probably a good movie with so many directors backing his play. And you know what? In my opinion, Gilroy's movie is better than anything those four guys have done. Wow. 228 The Dentist 229 P.C.U. (1994) Absolutely brilliant rant about political correctness on campus. It gets compared to Animal House, of course. Animal House is brilliant and funny, a lowbrow Marx brothers riff against authority. P.C.U. is actually a smarter, more focused movie. Jeremy Piven isn't Bluto, but he is Otter. A funnier, faster-talking Otter. He's a one-man Otter and he is going to war against not only the dean, but the whole ideology of PC thought police on campus. 230 Carefree (1938) Astaire and Rogers again. Dance sequences are okay, it's really the screwball comedy that's of interest here. Fred's a psychiatrist and Ginger wants to keep seeing him, so she acts crazier and crazier. Too funny. 231 The Lady Vanishes (1938) Hitchcock's other awesome British flick. A lady vanishes from a train, and there's a lot of intrigue as another woman tries to solve her disappearance. Two of Hitchcock's British films--this one and 39 Steps--would have to rank in his top 10 films, I think. 232 Blue Thunder (1983) I know I'm not supposed to love this movie, but I do. The plot is incomprehensible. There are some secret government agents who are trying to start a riot in L.A., so they can use Blue Thunder, an experimental helicopter, to shoot people. Or something. "Strangers in the barrio," I love that part. If you treat all that conspiracy stuff as one big McGuffin, it's a great film. Things I enjoy: Helicopter chase scenes. Still the best helicopter chase scenes I've ever seen. I love Roy Scheider, looping his helicopter, and Malcolm McDowell saying, "You can't do that! It's impossible!" Cracks me up. McDowell has so much fun as the bad guy. "Follow my leader." I liked Roy checking his sanity with a wrist watch. I loved Warren Oates, in his last film. "If you can't see my ass, it's because the man just chewed it off." I loved Daniel Stern's character, Lymangood. What a great name. Cool scene where he's running down the street, hands tied behind his back and his mouth taped. Intense. I love where they use the helicopter to spy on the naked yoga woman. At 10:30. "I really appreciate punctuality." It's a Rear Window homage, and The Conversation. Don't spy on people, or you'll see things you're not meant to see. 233 Spies (1928) Silent film masterpiece from Fritz baby, the mad bomber. Way cool. Arguably the best montage sequence ever made this side of the Odessa Steps. Dude, he just shot that guy in the head! In a silent movie! And then the clown says curtain, right before...damn. Damn! Best ending ever??? 234 Step Into Liquid (2003) Awesome surf documentary. Dana Brown's dad, Bruce, pretty much invented the surf documentary way back when, with The Perfect Summer. Brown Sr. put a lot of low-key humor into his work, which is missing here. Dana Brown (who, I believe, does his own narration) often sounds like Patrick Swayze in Point Break. You’ll get some surfer babble. It’s a film that’s very serious about the wave. And he’ll probably seduce you into his surf cult, with his amazing cinematography. Whereas Dad seemed to set his camera on a tripod in the parking lot 200 yards away, Dana would get his camera right up in the waves with the surfers. This film is gorgeous. It’s beautiful shot after beautiful shot. I've never surfed, but this film makes me want to move to Hawaii and take it up. 235 Cheers episode -- "An Old-Fashioned Wedding" (1992) 236 It (1927) The biggest hit of the flapper era. Clara Bow was known forever as the "It" girl. "It" is sex appeal. Do you have it? Do you want it? Clara Bow, Lucille Ball, Carol Burnett, all physical comedians, and all redheads. Probably a coincidence. But the latter two are not sexy women, in my opinion. They do pratfalls and physical comedy, but it's desexualized. Clara Bow, on the other hand, is hot. She's hot and doing pratfalls and flopping around. The whole film is sexually charged. It's innocent on the surface and yet it's so suggestive, winking at us. Flappers annoyed puritans because they were so physical, it's like sex is bursting through. Every time she falls down, it's like a metaphor for a fallen woman. And yet the film is completely innocent and fun. Buster Keaton saw this movie and cast Dorothy Sebastian to be his flapper. Get me a flapper! Man, I like that word. 237 The Sixth Sense (1999) Most surprise movies cheat. The easiest way to cheat is to lie to your audience. "It was all a dream." Or, in the case of The Usual Suspects, "I made it all up." I suppose that counts as a surprise, but it annoys the crap out of me. In Night's movie, on the other hand, he plays completely fair. All the clues are there. And he still got me. Awesome. 238 Witness (1985) 239 Sneakers (1992) 240 Flirting (1991) Terrific coming-of-age story in a boarding school in Australia. It's pitch perfect. Noah Taylor is the protagonist, Nicole Kidman has a bit part, but I say the real star of this show is Thandie Newton. You might recognize her as one of the actors from Crash. Cameron Crowe likes this movie so much that he cast Taylor as the band manager in Almost Famous, and again as the tech support guy in Vanilla Sky. But it's Thandie's movie, man. When she wins a debate by reciting the lyrics of a Little Richard song? Oh wow. We all swoon at her feet, all of mankind.

A (250) 241 Love on a Diet (2001) Over the top rom-com from Hong Kong master Johnny To. A woman who has lost her love eats and eats and eats, and becomes morbidly obese. And of course when she finds her love again, he doesn't recognize her. So now she resolves to lose all her weight, with the help of a mean coach who throws bread rolls at her head and gives her bad dieting advice ("swallow a tape worm"). Sammi Cheung is so charming and funny, I could watch her all day. 242 Stranger Than Fiction (2006) 243 Aguirre: The Wrath of God (1973) Klaus Kinski is a frickin' madman, dude. This movie is insane. It's about insane people, made by insane people. 234 Zero Focus (1961) Neat Japanese mystery, with arguably the coolest black and white cinematography ever. This woman's husband goes missing. He's probably dead. Or maybe there's another woman involved. And as his wife investigates, more people start to die. The movie is so matter-of-fact, and yet when you get to the end your mind is blown. Good stuff. 245 Flintstones episode -- "Dr. Sinister" (1964) 246 The Oyster Princess Lubitsch! You rock, baby. One of the reasons American films are the best in the world is so many foreigners come here to make movies. Lubitsch is a prime example of somebody who's best work was done in the U.S.A. But here's one of his silent masterpieces from the old country, and it's a hoot. 247 Ikiru (1952) Great Kurosawa flick about a guy who discovers he is going to die, and he feels depressed cause he hasn't accomplished anything with his life. He has just floated through his life, taking up space, and his death notice is a wake-up call. Brilliant stuff, philosophical and moving. 248 The Funeral (1985) Itami makes another Japanese comedy here, giving us a peek at Japanese culture while he lightly mocks it. One of the things that Itami comments on and examines is the conflict between Japanese traditions and modern Japan. A family has a funeral, but they're not sure how to behave at the ceremony, so they watch an instructional video. Almost as good as Tampopo, it's not laugh out loud funny but whimsical and fun. 249 South Park episode -- "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe" 250 Amelie (2001) They say humor doesn't cross language barriers very well, but this French film is both quixotic and very funny. I believe it's the most financially successful foreign language film in the U.S., and when you see it you'll understand why. 251 And Now For Something Completely Different... (1971) Pretty much a highlight reel from their TV show, most of these Python sketches are brilliant. 252 Shadow of a Doubt (1943) 253 8½ (1963) Strange and beautiful movie. Movie seems tired, like it's the product of an exhausted artist. And it's about an exhausted artist, so I guess that makes sense. The dreams/nightmares are phenomenal. Fellini is clearly obsessed with the idea of sexual decadence, and this film is an interesting counterpoint to my favorite Fellini movie, La Dolce Vita. While that film makes sin seem alluring and fun, this film takes us a bit further down the decadent road, to ennui and boredom. Fellini manages to show us this exhaustion and boredom without exhausting and boring us, which is a neat trick. The happy ending seems a bit forced to me. This film is often ranked among the top 10 ever made. I would argue that Fellini's earlier film is really his masterpiece, but no question 8½ is surreal, cool, and thought-provoking. 254 Bed and Board (1970) The third of Truffaut's "autobiographies," it's a visually stunning peek at young married life in France. With, of course, adultery. 255 Monkey Business (1931) 256 sex, lies and videotape (1989) 257 Chinatown (1974) 258 Sid and Nancy (1986) Uneven but brutally cool depiction of Sid Vicious and the Sex Pistols. It remains Gary Oldman's finest performance. 259 The Hound of the Baskervilles (1939) First Sherlock Holmes movie with Rathbone and Bruce, and still the best. 260 Sex and the Single Girl (1964) 261 The Fugitive (1993) Originally a hit TV show in the 1950's, it was about an innocent man, wrongly accused of murder. And this guy would go about the countryside, evading the authorities while doing good deeds. Sounds kinda lame but people say nice things. Anyway, the movie version gets back to the basics--innocent man, wrongly accused. Almost no humor, no romance, very little light aspects. On the other hand, here is probably the best manhunt picture ever. It’s very dramatic. Andrew Davis makes a great decision to personalize the authorities who are chasing the innocent man, a nice touch that works very well here. Tommy Lee Jones is amazing. 262 Saving Private Ryan (1998) 263 Austin Powers (1997) 264 The Party (1968) 265 12 Angry Men (1957) Awesome movie. Incredible acting, especially from Lee J. Cobb. But really, the whole cast is terrific. Henry Fonda's best dramatic work, I think. It's a brilliant concept, to film jury deliberations. I'm kinda envious--it's the sort of thing an independent producer could film on a very low budget, if it hadn't already been done, and done so well. The entire movie (almost) is set in one room, has little or no action, no violence, no sex, no music. It consists of people talking. It's astounding that the film works as well as it does. And yet this film is incredibly suspenseful. The writing is sublime. And Lumet avoids the obvious danger of making this look like a filmed play. His camera jumps all over the place, from person to person, from angle to angle. He does a terrific job of keeping this material hopping. Really, I love this movie. I've seen it several times, and it's still great. 266 Bye, Bye Birdie (1963) 267 Arthur (1981) 268 The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek (1944) There are better Sturges movies, in my opinion, but this one has more belly laughs than any of 'em. I hurt myself laughing. Eddie Bracken is the star here, and he's hysterical. "Spots!" 269 Stalag 17 (1953) 270 A Love For All Seasons I'll watch Sammi Cheung in anything. Not classically beautiful, I dunno. Something about her. In this one she plays a martial arts sensei who must get her heart broken in order to understand a super-cool martial arts move. This guy who breaks all the ladies' hearts agrees to break her heart, but they fall in love anyway. Really funny and over the top. Johnny To is a master. 271 Blade Runner (1982) 272 Dumbo (1941) 273 While You Were Sleeping (1995) 274 Tokyo Story (1953) Ozu, yet again, with another tiny masterpiece. This is probably his saddest work, about old people who go to visit their adult children in Tokyo, and none of the children have time for them. Very sad and moving. After you see it, you'll call your parents, I swear. 275 The Mask (1994) I will defend this film as a comic masterpiece. For starters, I have trouble telling where Jim Carrey stops and the computer animation begins. He owns the film, and I think perhaps he was the only person on the planet who could actually play this role. When the French discover Carrey they will hail The Mask as a brilliant study in masculinity: our dreams, our hopes, our fantasies, our masks. Plus, the film actually works the musical numbers into the plot, something musicals often fail to do. The amazing Peter Riegert is in it, and Peter Greene as a very menacing bad guy (Greene played "Zed" in Pulp Fiction the same year), not to mention Cameron Diaz as the blonde bombshell, in one of her first roles. Very funny and original film. 276 Sin City (2005) They filmed this thing like a comic book from hell, pulpy and unrealistic and cartoonish and violent. Some mean damn hookers. I probably would have loved this a lot more if I was 16. Visually, it's way cool and original, although I do think the look of the film is kind of distancing. I was a little bored in places, as my emotions weren't really engaged. But then they'd shove somebody's head into a toilet or feed them to dogs or something, and I'd wake up. So I'd go from bored to appalled to laughing to bored to appalled to laughing, all the while amazed at the visual coolness of the movie. Definitely an original film, albeit shallow and depraved. Kind of like watching the lions eat the Christians or the bulls gore the Spaniards. 277 Beverly Hills Cop (1984) 278 Fandango (1985) 279 Emma (1996) It's kinda embarrassing to admit but I cannot read Jane Austen. Cannot. Read. Jane. Austen. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. She goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on about status and money and status and who's who in the who's who. Mark Twain hated her and I Can See Why. But she's a plotting madman. Madwoman? Anyway, the movies based on her books are awesome. Awesome! Near as I can figure out, they cut out most of the words. I just can't read those damn books. Shhhhhh. It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed. Don't tell anybody. They're so bad! Good for some people, I guess. This is the version with Gwyneth Paltrow. It's like Clueless except with hoop skirts. 280 Make Mine Mink! (1960) I get a huge kick out of Terry-Thomas, and the gap in his teeth. Neat little British caper comedy. 281 Masculin, Feminin (1966) Godard's narratives were starting to crack by 1966. In a couple of years he would quit making narrative films altogether, preferring to talk Maoist philosophy in front of a giant poster of Jane Fonda. You think I'm joking. Anyway, I've seen this movie three times and it still holds up well. It's almost all conversation between the sexes, but the conversations are interesting. You get a sense that he's torn between his interest in the opposite sex and the Vietnam war. And Godard as a filmmaker is always, always pushing the envelope, trying new things to startle his audience. For instance, he separates his chapters with gunshots. Edgy, interesting film, and beautiful cinematography. 282 300 (2007) 283 I Love You Again (1940) Another Powell-Loy movie, highly enjoyable, with one of the more complicated plots in recent memory. Powell plays a con artist who went straight and married Myrna Loy and become a teetotaler and a boy scout leader, and then he's hit on the head and suffers amnesia, so he thinks he's a con artist again. And he's trying to figure out how to rip off the town, and stay married to Myrna Loy, who wants to divorce him...anyway, it's complicated, but fun. The cooing scene is priceless. 284 Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) The way a Monty Python sketch works, they have one joke in a scene. And the jokes build and build off that one joke. So you're laughing, and a new laugh pops on top of the old one, and that's when the laughter starts to hurt. And then another laugh comes in over the top of that one. The upside to this style is that when it works, it's the funniest movie ever made. Ask anybody, they'll tell you. The downside is that there are not a lot of jokes in the movie, one basic gag for each scene. So it's easy to remember all the jokes. What happens is it starts to fail on repeat viewings. It actually becomes a chore to sit through it. I have seen this movie exactly one too many times. It has gone from funniest movie ever made to completely unwatchable. So how do you rank that? If you've never seen it before, I'm jealous. 285 The Mummy (1999) 286 Sherlock, Jr. (1924) Buster again. Here he plays a projectionist, and the coolest part of the movie is a nightmare sequence. Buster is trapped in a movie, and the background keeps changing behind him, from one movie to the next. Buster's timing is impeccable, he gives you the illusion that he is actually transported along with the background. I also dig the bit when Buster rides through crowded streets on top of handlebars of a motorcycle nobody is driving. Hey, that looks dangerous. Buster's films often finish with a whirlwind, amazing climax. Here we see the most amazing stuntwork Buster ever did. Wow. 287 Jonny Quest episode -- "The Robot Spy" (1964) 288 In a Lonely Place (1950) Godard used to say, "Nicholas Ray is cinema." He's most famous for Rebel Without a Cause, which is great, but I like this one with Bogie a bit more. 289 E.T. (1982) 290 All That Jazz (1979) Bob Fosse is a really interesting guy, I think. He re-invented the musical for his time. Historically musicals had always been happy, joyful affairs. Think Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly. But with the assassinations and Vietnam and Watergate, nobody was really in the mood for joy and optimism. So Bob Fosse invented the cynical musical. All three of his musicals--Cabaret, All That Jazz, and Chicago--are very dark in tone. It's kind of odd, actually. Dancing is an inherently happy act. So when Fosse choreographs these numbers, you marvel at the beauty and the wonder of what you see. Yet at the same time you feel this dark, unhappy tug from the story. It can pull your emotions one way, and then another. The strongest Fosse film, in my opinion, is All That Jazz. For one thing, it's clearly the most "Fosse" of the three musicals. Fosse's Chicago was adapted for the screen by Rob Marshall. And Fosse himself adapted Cabaret from a stage musical created by other people. But All That Jazz was conceived, created, and directed by Bob Fosse. And it's a personal work of art. And it's frickin brilliant. Fosse's technique is really jazz-oriented. Instead of the usual dance numbers followed by narrative, the film is edited in a very choppy style, with riffs and repeats and flights of fancy. Wonderfully creative. Really a spectacular film. While this movie is dark and cynical, All That Jazz humanizes the protagonist, and makes it possible for us to love the character. It's a beautiful portrait of an obsessed man who is driven, driven, driven, so much so that he flirts with death. What's fascinating is that Fosse himself died of a heart attack a few years after this movie. He was in the grip of an obsession, he knew it was killing him, and he didn't care. Kinda spooky. This film is one of the great examples of an artist obessed with making art. 291 Rebel Without a Cause (1955) Classic. Thurston Howell the III wears an apron and it sends James Dean over the edge. Cool knife blade fight, nice drag race, J.D. hamming it up all over the place. Man, this film is iconic. Beautiful images. It's campy but so cool. And Natalie Wood rocks. 292 The Old-Fashioned Way W.C. Fields again. What makes Fields so hysterically funny is how scared he is, of everything. He's scared of women, dogs, children. He'd love to smack them but he's scared to do that. Anyway, in this one Fields is less scared than usual. Which makes him more obnoxious, completely dishonest, a louse, and a despicable human being. Hysterical. 293 Metropolis (1926) Brilliant and astounding silent film Fritz Lang made to warn Germany about the impending chaos facing the Weimar regime. It's hard to engage with this emotionally. On the other hand, it's probably the most epic film ever made. It just doesn't get bigger than this. I wish Pete Townsend would do a score to this. It cries out for a rock opera. 294 Jackie Chan’s First Strike (1996) All of Jackie's Hong Kong stuff suffers from B movie budgets (and writing, and acting). On the plus side, though, he's in his prime. This is his finest movie, in my opinion, and the stunts are unreal. Hysterically funny use of props. Buster Keaton fans should be watching Jackie Chan, and vice versa. When he's old or dead, the critics will recognize his genius. Phenomenal. 295 The Lady in the Lake (1946) 296 What’s Up, Doc? (1972) Bogdanovich is stronger with comedies than dramas, I think. This is his homage to Bringing Up Baby, and a riff on Bugs Bunny. Can’t go wrong with that. It’s a fun modern take on the screwball. Screenplay is by Buck Henry, who wrote The Graduate. 297 Apollo 13 (1995) 298 She Wore a Yellow Ribbon (1949) It's an absolutely gorgeous film, the cinematography is astounding. One of Wayne's strongest performances, it's multi-layered and subtle. Ford's politics are really obvious here. He's obviously pro-military, traditional and conservative. (Ford was actually a liberal, so watching his movies really gives you an idea of how far our culture has shifted). You can see why so many Japanese filmmakers revere Ford. He hits on many of the same themes as Kurosawa and Ozu. Ford is also a sentimentalist (again, like old school Japanese filmmakers). Instead of doing something challenging or revolutionary or daring, Ford focuses on reassuring people. Another fascinating aspect is that, in 1946, anyway, Ford seems to be sick of war and killing. So he makes his pro-military movie, but his hero goes out of his way to win the battle without killing anyone. Completely unrealistic, of course, but nonetheless a sweet, beautiful film. 299 Sleeper (1973) 300 Undercover Brother (2002) "That's Right! It's goin' to the streets. Hey y'all! It's revolution up in this Bitch! Set the alarm for Defcon 5! It's on, baby... it's on!" “White She-Devil! Represent! “I never trusted the Colonel. Slaves cooked that chicken. Ain’t no white man know anything about herbs and spices and gibblits.” “Extra mayonnaise for me please.” “There are times for falling apart, and there are times for getting' funky. This is one of them funky times. So what's it gonna be? You ready to play some funky music, white boy?” “You see what's happening, don't you? How we're being corrupted by their hipper-than-thou fashion and cool slang you can't help but use?” “Punk-assed bitch played himself. Let's bounce, dog!” 301 Seven Chances (1925) Buster is really a modernist. What other silent film gets remade in the modern era? That lame-ass Irishman, Chris O'Donnell, starred in The Bachelor in 1999. May you burn in hell if you've seen that movie and not this one. Buster will inherit seven million dollars, but only if he gets married by seven p.m. Various women get wind of his predicament, and offer to help him out. By the end of the movie Buster is chased by a thousand women in bridal dresses. I guess it's misogynist, but it's so damn funny I don't care. Not to go all Freudian on you, but many of us men have a hidden fear of you women. You remind us of this giant woman who gave birth to us. Freaky, man. What if you swallow us up again? Yikes. And Keaton taps into this secret man fear, of the rapacious woman who wants you so bad. No, sorry, the thousand rapacious women who want you so bad. In bridal dresses. The bridal dresses crack me up. 302 Brick (2006) Here is some extraordinary indy filmmaking. Mindblowing stuff, you'll either love it or hate it. It's a film noir set in high school, and the filmmakers make an audacious decision to have the characters talk as if they're in a Dashiell Hammett book. They play it completely straight. If they fail it would be laughably pretentious. They don't fail. The slang is off-putting at first; at some points you're not quite sure what the characters are saying, and if they're saying what you're hearing, then you're not sure what the hell they mean. (I ran the subtitle machine just to be on the safe side). The visuals are breathtaking. The screenplay is so unique that you completely understand why no Hollywood company would fund this film. On paper, it must seem bizarre. On the screen, it's like visual pie. Beautiful stuff, and since they had no funding they had years and years to plan the picture, where the camera was going to go, what the characters were going to say. All the shots are gorgeous, the sets, the costumes. And the acting is terrific, a bunch of no-name kids. Film noir set in high school. Amazing cool. It was even better the second time I watched it. See for yourself. 303 The Manchurian Candidate (1962) "Raymond?" "What is it, mother?" "I want to talk to you, Raymond." "About what?" "I want to talk to you about that Communist tart." Oh this movie is hysterical. Made in 1962, I think a lot of people miss the joke. Communists capture some good American boys during the Korean War, and wash their brains, Clockwork Orange style. The soldiers are turned into unwitting secret agents, who will murder at the sight of a red queen. Some over at IMDB call the film "chilling." That cracks me up. It is melodramatic farce, very funny (intentionally so) and very well made. This film pokes fun at so many things, it's hard to keep it straight. How about this romantic flashback, straight from Casablanca: "You just cannot believe how lovable the whole damn thing was. I was lovable. Josie was lovable. The summer was lovable. Days were lovable. Nights were lovable. And everybody was lovable. Except, of course, my mother." Start with the anti-communist Senator, a hilarious send-up of McCarthy. (Played by the old guy from Barney Miller). How many Communist party members are in the State department? First he says 207. Then 104. Then 275. Later in the film the Red Queen (played by Angela Landsbury) happens to look at a Heinz bottle of catsup, and so of course the final number becomes 57. When the Senator gets on board his plane, he puts on a skipper's cap. Wherever the Senator is, there's a portrait of Lincoln nearby. Or a Lincoln statue. Or a Lincoln lamp. That's a good drinking game, count the Lincolns. And of course at the costume party, he goes dressed as Lincoln. The Red Queen goes as Little Bo Peep. (Lost your sheep, have you?) The clockwork orange assasin goes as a South American cowboy. "What are you supposed to be," the Senator asks, "a Dutch skater?" And you have to love that sexy girlfriend. "My daddy's afraid of snakes. I know that sounds terribly Freudian. That's why I happen to be riding around with a razor blade..." And then, while taking off her shirt, she says, "Seriously, daddy's going to be just thrilled about this." When the brainwashed assasin goes on his first assignment, he finds his victim lying in bed, wearing his wife's fur coat. "Don't get any silly ideas about this..." When the assasin kills his father-in-law, he shoots him through the milk carton. No blood. White milk spurts everywhere. Freud would have a field day with this movie. "Find yourself a girl. Lie in the sun." "I absolutely refuse." Or how about that bald Chinese guy, something out of Fu Manchu B movie casting? Works for the Pavlov Institute. "The virus of capitalism is highly contagious." And they have a Russian guy who is also bald, with the same mustache. That kills me. Or Janet Leigh. Is she love interest, or Communist spy? Everything she says is in secret code. "Maryland is a beautiful state." "This is Delaware." "I know. I was one of the original Chinese workmen who laid the track on this stretch." And then later, she gives him her address and phone number, like she's programming him. "Can you remember that?" "Yes." "Can you remember that?" "Yes." Paranoia! Hey, sweat some more, Frank. You might ask yourself, how can Frank Sinatra free himself from the evil Communist brainwashing? He reads a lot of books. Quote: "It's a great insulation against an enemy attack." He doesn't have a head bandange, it's a head bandage hat. Chinese to Russian: "Have him kill one of your own people." Russian to Chinese: "I would, but we're currently under acceptable levels." Angela Landsbury, talking to the Korean manservant: "Chu Chin Chow--or whatever your name is." You really shouldn't kiss your son on the lips like that. It might mess with his head. This movie doesn't take anything seriously. It doesn't take Communism seriously, or anti-communism, or brain-washing. Or rather it has a lot of fun with all of those things. The general theme is "switching over." Anti-communists becomes Communists. Men become women. Whites become blacks. The Chinese guy starts talking Russian for no apparent reason. "Ah! Da, da." Brilliant and provocative cold war farce. And they play it completely straight, so straight you might miss the joke the first time you watch it. It works as a straightforward suspense thriller, sort of. Although you'll be confused by a lot of the dialog. But if you watch the film through a skewed perspective--if you quit taking the damn thing seriously and look for the funny bits--it will blow you away. Absolutely amazing. 304 Underworld Beauty (1958) Suzuki improved as he went along. This is an earlier Suzuki, so it's not as far out cool as his later stuff. But even here you can see the genius starting to pop out. His framing is unique and startling. You could name any of the classic noir directors--Hitchcock, Lang, Huston, Welles, whoever--and Suzuki can match them cool shot for cool shot. Unlike, say, Melville, who thought gangsters were deep and philosophical, Suzuki would use yakuza gangsters as a mere prop for his visual stylings. One of the more accomplished visual artists to ever work as a filmmaker. 305 Big Deal on Madonna Street (1958) I love caper comedies and this Italian film is one of the best. 306 Mansfield Park The only thing all the Jane Austen adaptations have in common is Jane Austen. She's the genius. She's why these movies are as cool as they are. Here we have a bunch of no-names, doing Jane Austen, and it rocks. It's Jane. It's all Jane. And yet the books are unreadable. You got me. Probably my fault. 307 Batman Begins (2005) 308 Heat (1995) 309 Bob le Flambeur (1955) Jean-Pierre Melville's first gangster film and his most successful attempt. This movie was a huge inspiration to the New Wave (Godard would reference it in Breathless, and he cast Melville to play a director in the movie). It took Melville a couple of years to make this movie, shooting it on weekends while raising more money and keeping his day job. He used handheld cameras and filmed out on location with natural light. His career was pretty much downhill from here, but Melville's first film is a damn fine one, I think. And that girl is hot. 310 Fresh (1994) 311 Black Test Car Masumura again. Here he pokes fun at corporate Japan. Rival car companies spy on each other and engage in corporate warfare. They will do anything to win. Over the top fun. 312 Throne of Blood (1957) Kurosawa transports Shakespeare to Japan again, this time Macbeth. It's pretty intense, and the final death scene will haunt you for a while. 313 The Circus (1928) Chaplin's a control freak, kind of like Kubrick. Years and years would pass in between his films. He makes The Kid in 1921, The Gold Rush in 1925, The Circus in 1928, City Lights in 1931, Modern Times in 1936, The Great Dictator in 1940, Monsieur Verdoux in 1947, and Limelight in 1952. With that amount of time, you get the feeling Chaplin planned everything to the minute detail. He also had an embarrassing number of credits. Not just actor and director but also scored the music himself. The Circus is sandwiched between Chaplin's two silent masterpieces and kind of gets lost in the shuffle. Nothing wrong with it, though. In fact it's a brilliant film with a lot of sight gags. 314 Out of Sight (1998) 315 Umberto D. (1955) De Sica is so manipulative. He just piles on the pathos. Thirty minutes in, I'm bawling. "Oh my God, don't kill the dog! You're not going to kill the dog, are you?" Saddest movie ever made. Good movie, but damn it's sad. You want to cry? Here you go. 316 Charlie Chan on Broadway This will always be my happiest Charlie Chan because I solved the damn thing. Forget it, bad guy, Carmichael's on the case! Unlike that Christie pain in the ass, you might be able to solve this one, too. Christie, I swear. The narrator did it, the detective did it, they all did it. She kills me. Anyway, this one has the strongest mystery plotting of any of the Chans, and arguably the best relationship dynamic between Charlie Chan and his number one son. Another cool thing about this flick is the detective in the case was the detective in one of the Thin Man movies, which he references in a nice little inside joke. ("I've already met one of these detectives, why do I want to meet another one?"). Because it's Charlie Chan! Keye Luke is funny in this, borrows money from his dad, gets his pocket picked, and has to stay in his hotel room. 317 This Is Spinal Tap (1984) 318 Ocean’s Eleven (2001) Soderbergh's an interesting guy. He's done at least three remakes so far in his career: Traffic, Solaris, Ocean's 11, and in each case he's made a better movie. That's got to be a record. In the case of Solaris, he took an unwatchable Tarkovsky art flick, and made it interesting. He took a horrible rat pack movie and made it kinda sublime. And he took a German mini-series that went on and on and on, and made a pretty harrowing story about the drug trade. It doesn't surprise me that Soderbergh often edits his own stuff. He has the mind of an editor, discarding the bad and keeping the good. The list of sorry, pathetic remakes is really long. The fact that Soderbergh is 3-for-3 is kinda amazing. 319 Schindler’s List (1993) 320 Jonny Quest episode -- "The Sea Haunt" (1965) 321 You Were Never Lovelier (1942) Quentin Tarantino once said was that movement was inherent in making good cinema, and you either get that with violence, or with dance. Now I can think of a lot of great movies that would prove that argument wrong, but it's still an interesting idea. He's basically stripping his movies of any moral content and saying look at the form, look at the movement, isn't that cool. I think Tarantino's right. The dance sequences of Fred Astaire are just as amazing as any fight sequence you'd care to name. I avoided musicals for years, I guess on a theory that if it's not rock music, I'm not going to like it. But cripes, it's the dancing that amazes, not the singing. Astaire is a pretty horrible singer, actually. But his dance is pure cool. And once upon a time Rita Hayworth might have been the most beautiful woman in the world. Wow. It's a funny, happy and deeply romantic flick. 322 The Ladykillers (1955) Very funny Ealing studios comedy with Obi-Wan. All these guys try to kill this little old lady. It's more or less like Sylvestor trying to eat Tweety, or Wile E. trying to get the Road Runner. They play it completely straight, but this is a cartoon, man. A very funny cartoon. The Coen brothers tried to remake this and they just embarrassed themselves. 323 The Ring (2002) 324 Psycho (1960) 325 Dial M for Murder (1954) 326 Shadow of the Thin Man (1941) 327 Summer Holidays 328 Blazing Saddles (1974) Mel Brooks pays homage to classic western after classic western, and then subverts them all. Watch Madeline Kahn channel Marlene Dietrich when she plays "Lili Von Shtupp". Or watch all the cowboys stand up with their hands over their hearts as they say, "Randolph Scott!" Or watch the cowboys eating beans by the campfire, farting, farting, farting. Without making a big PC deal out of it, Brooks points out the notable omission of black people from the classic western, and rectifies that by casting a black man as the hero. And then of course he comments on that, too, put in racist jokes and Jewish jokes and homophobic jokes and every other improper joke he can think of. Rude, crude, hysterically funny send-up of the wild west. 329 Romancing the Stone (1984) 330 A Taxing Woman (1988) 331 Foreign Correspondent (1940) 332 Charlie Chan in Monte Carlo Keye Luke gets Charlie Chan arrested, which is very funny. He's still inscrutable but oh so pissed. This is probably the funniest of the Chans. The version I saw hadn't been restored all the way, which was unfortunate, as this is really brilliant and cool. Can't remember if I solved the mystery or not (which means I didn't). Very complicated and intricate plotting here. I think I almost solved this one. Eugene Forde directed my two favorite Chans, and he really understood and appreciated the Chan/number one son conflicts, and its potential for humor. 333 My Sassy Girlfriend 334 The Fallen Idol (1948) Carol Reed made The Third Man, which is really good, but I like this movie even more. A man is suspected of murder, and a little boy wants to help. We see the whole movie from the point of view of the little boy, and we realize what is going on, and he doesn't. Very intelligent and suspenseful flick. 335 short Elric and Adam did. When I was in art school, this guy from New Zealand, Elric Kane, stole all these images of women from the internet. He filmed their images with his little toy camera. (Adam was the editor, he's the talented one). These are all women inviting you to look at porn. But what this toy camera does is make everything dark and surreal. If you watch Hotel, it has scenes that were filmed using this toy camera. (All the freaky scenes). So that will give you an idea of what this camera will do. Anyway, this short film was one of the coolest visual experiences I have ever had. So I'm throwing it on the list, even though I don't have the DVD, there is no distribution, it's a short little 3-minute thing, and he doesn't have the rights to any of the images. So, chances are, you're never going to see it. But man, it was cool. 336 After Life (1998) Fascinating and original Japanese film about, yes, the afterlife. The idea is that when you die, you get to take one memory with you. So these newly dead people have to decide what the most important memory of their life is, before they can go on. A deeply philosophical and moving work. 337 The Bourne Identity (2002) 338 Mad Monster Party 339 Pirates of the Caribbean (2003) 340 Kurosawa’s Dreams (1990) I don't think Kurosawa actually had these dreams, but if he did he's an awesome dreamer. My dreams suck in comparison. I particularly remember the one with all the dead soldiers who don't know they're dead, and the people who are freaking out because a volcano erupted and they're all going to die. Also remember Scorsese as Van Gogh, that's a hell of a casting call. Kurosawa is at his sharpest in the 50's and 60's with Mifune, but this is his finest later work I think. 341 Bambi (1942) 342 Tin Cup (1996) 343 Mr. and Mrs. Smith (1941) This is Hitchcock's one attempt at screwball comedy and it's wonderful. The pacing is a little off in the second half of the movie, there are maybe a dozen screwballs that are superior, but the film is nonetheless marvelous, an unqualified success. I think if Hitchcock had kept on directing comedies, people would put him up there with the giants in the genre, Sturges and Hawks. I suspect the reason he avoided directing comedies had nothing to do with his preferring darker material. Hitchcock put humor into most of his films anyway. And it's not, as I had suspected, that he was bad at it--he's damned good. I think the reason he avoided this genre is that his camera disappeared. He adapted the invisible style of Hawks, and just filmed the comedy straight. All the fascinating camera shots and editing techniques that Hitch normally uses disappears. You wouldn't even recognize it as a Hitch picture. But it's nonetheless a fun little movie, particularly if you're a screwball fan. 344 Rocky (1976) 345 Finding Nemo (2003) 346 Hiroshima Mon Amour (1959) What a weird title! A French woman who had an affair with a German soldier during World War II finds herself in a romance with a Japanese man in Hiroshima, years after the war. Resnais subtly explores and challenges our faith in our most popular war. Is it wrong for a French woman to love a German soldier during World War II? Was it wrong to bomb Japan? Is war ever right? Resnais can be a bit arty and pretentious, I think, but here he has made a very thought-provoking and humanizing film. 347 Charlie Chan at the Opera Usually gets nominated as the best Chan. Restoration is beautiful. Co-stars Boris Karloff, who's pretty damn horrible in it. He's playing an operatic ham so I guess he figures he ought to act, uh, big. His performance is so bad it's good. There's another Chan out there that co-stars Bela Lugosi, The Black Camel. I heard some guys on a commentary track say it was the best Chan, and it sucks marbles. I mean, horrible cinematography, bad editing, awful directing, lousy acting, and ridiculous writing. And no Keye Luke. And it has nothing to do with camels whatsoever. Crackheads doing the commentary. Anyway, Charlie Chan at the Opera does have Keye Luke. And even better, one of the detectives is William Demarest, who is frickin brilliant as always. Preston Sturges fans will recognize him. Seeing Demarest hating on Chan is hysterical. Best co-star ever. If you are Lugosi and Karloff fans--I myself think they were perhaps the hammiest actors of the twentieth century--you want to check out The Black Cat, which is brilliant cool. Once you see that, you'll probably want to see Ed Wood again, just to see Bela hating on Boris. Anyway's Boris' Charlie Chan is way better than Bela's. Directed by Bruce Humberstone, he would go on to direct several more Chans, most of which are enjoyable. 348 The Incredibles (2004) It's not the best Pixar movie but it's in the top four or five. Which of course means it's one of the best animated films ever made. Pixar really ripped off the Fantastic Four, though. Invisible Girl who makes force fields, hmmmmm. Sounds familiar. They stole ideas from Mr. Fantastic and the Flash as well. (Cripes, they call him Dash). They sure didn't spend a lot of mental energy coming up with unique powers. In fact the whole dysfunctional super-family motif is a rip-off of The Fantastic Four. It doesn't really matter, of course, because the focus isn't on the super powers but on the emotions of the characters and the family dynamics. Animation is brilliant, naturally. Another interesting aspect is the difference in philosophy between Bird's earlier movie, The Iron Giant, and this one. That movie had a pacifist message--the bad guys were the U.S. military. This movie seems to say quite the opposite, with the theme that there are bad guys in the world who want to kill us, and we need to fight back. Maybe Bird had a 9/11 conversion? Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. Anyway, it's a great film, everything a super-hero movie should be. 349 Samurai Spy (1965) I shouldn't like this movie because the plot is very convoluted, involving two rival clans who unfortunately have similar names. So the whole movie I'm going, "Wait, are you the spy from the first clan? Or is this a double agent from the second clan?" I'm constantly rewinding, trying to keep all the frickin clans straight in my head. This movie needs a flow chart. But it's absolutely gorgeous to watch, and the ninja stuff is damn cool. 350 Bull Durham (1988) 351 Aladdin (1992) 352 Strangers on a Train (1951) 353 Phantom of the Opera (1925) Lon Chaney is awesome. He does this bit when he's screaming, and his face distorts, and it scares the crap out of you. It's a mad film about obsessive, scary love--rapist love--and it terrifies. It's weird, the old horror movies from the 1930’s are comical to me. Dracula, for instance, or Frankenstein. Nothing scary about Bela. Or Boris. But if you go back to the silent era, the horror films will freak you out. I saw this with a live score. Dude. You get a chance to see a silent horror film with a live score, jump on it. 354 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) 355 The Smiling Lieutenant 356 The Big Easy 357 Midnight Run (1988) 358 The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005) 359 Flirting With Disaster (1996) Hilarious. Ben Stiller plays an adopted son who wants to find his birth parents. Takes his wife on his roadtrip, along with the lady from the agency. Great scene with a bisexual policeman licking his wife's armpit. "I can't get that visual out of my mind!" (Me neither). Love Stiller's homophobia. "May I have my baby back, please?" Alan Alda and Lily Tomlin are hysterical as the aging hippies. "She's a wonderful guide." 360 Driving Miss Daisy (1989) It's a movie about a wealthy white woman and her black chauffeur, set in the South during segregation. Hoke, the black chauffeur, is not angry. Morgan Freeman, in an amazing, astounding, multi-layered performance, gives Hoke dignity, but he's also happy, easy-going, and bemused. This during segregation, when black people were oppressed by white people. This is an audacious choice, and one that upsets many people. The fear of the critics, I think, is that by making Hoke so, well, happy, the underlying tone of the movie is that "segregation wasn't so bad." Hoke should be angry, in other words. He should be throwing a chair through Miss Daisy's window and calling for a race riot. Instead Beresford elects to humanize the two characters, which he does by showing us their vulnerabilities. Miss Daisy is a little old lady who can't drive a car. Hoke can't read. The characters constantly engage in small, personal power struggles. Miss Daisy walks to the store because she doesn't want to admit she's helpless. Hoke drives the car right next to her because he doesn't want to lose his job. Both of these characters are very human and when they develop a close, intimate friendship, we believe it. It’s a subtle film, a human film, and a brave film. And Freeman’s performance is so layered and interesting. What a phenomenal actor. 361 Airplane! (1980) 362 A Bug’s Life (1998) 363 Man With a Movie Camera (1928) Honestly, Soviet cinema sucks. Most of it is horrible, unwatchable propaganda, with cheering peasants and bad capitalists. What's amazing about Vertov's film is that it's cool all the way through. It's not propaganda. It's so not-propaganda he probably got in trouble. Vertov starts off making a documentary about Commie life: a day in the life of a Commie. But then he starts using montage, fast motion, slow motion, super-imposing images on top of each other, split screens. Oops, you're having fun, comrade, stop it! 364 Tootsie (1982) 365 Suspicion (1941) 366 Nosferatu (1922) Another silent horror film I saw with a live musical performance. Dude, you're freaking me out, you vampire freak. Get off me! I got to go to sleep tonight, man. 367 Punch-Drunk Love (2002) It is a completely odd and original movie, unlike any I have seen before. I liked Boogie Nights, and I loved Magnolia. Both those films strongly reminded me of Robert Altman's work, at least in style. This film, on the other hand, couldn't have been directed by anybody but P.T. Anderson. It is a deeply romantic film, although it might not seem that way to some people, because of its violent elements. It's a movie about nothing less than the redeeming nature of love. It's not a comedy at all, although I did laugh at loud in parts. But I laughed out loud in parts of Magnolia as well. Anderson does have a droll sense of humor, but by and large he is a serious man who makes movies on serious issues. PTA has taken the basic Sandler persona, and stripped all the humor and the laughs from it. The result is a character that is recognizably Sandler. Anybody who has seen angry Adam going after Bob Barker, or destroy a wedding reception, won't be surprised by Sandler's acting in this film. In essence he's playing himself again, except this time he's not going for laughs and repressing his emotions. It's a joy watching Sandler doing a small happy dance in the aisle of a grocery store. He has some small touching moments with Emily Watson that are really wonderful. They are all the more beautiful, because for the majority of the film Sandler looks incredibly uncomfortable. In an interview I read, Sandler talks about how he only gets laughs when he's comfortable and confident. When he's nervous, he's awful. That's Sandler's performance for most of the movie, a nervous guy who feels like he's on stage all the time, and hating it. PTA is completely at home with fish-out-of-water stories. He specializes in oddballs and misfits. In fact this movie is kind of a remake of the John C. Reilly sketch from Magnolia, writ large. One person rescues another from despair, through the power of love. For me, the emphasis here on one emotional story, and the exploration of that story in depth, makes this the best of PTA's works. 368 Fight Club (1999) It's a movie about anomie, alienation, and isolation. It's about how obsessing over material things can make you feel spiritually empty inside. The film also darkly suggests that violence feels good. Even getting hit in the face feels good. Feeling pain is a lot better than feeling nothing. Pain reaffirms for these characters that they are alive. Anybody who knows anything about formalized male bonding knows this is quite a common ritual, from fraternity hazing to marines screaming at you. Suffering makes you feel alive, but it also unites people. Early in the film the main character tries empathetic, feminine suffering. He rejects that, and decides to get in touch with his masculine side. What makes this film great is that Edward Norton is not a tough-looking man. He is not muscular. But he is willing to fight, bleed, die. Reminds me of the boxing scene in Cool Hand Luke. This film also reminded me of Persona, the idea that scalding water cuts through all that pretentious b.s. "No, don't!" Pain is real. Fight Club is utterly brilliant and thought-provoking, in my opinion. 369 The Producers (1968) 370 Decalog: Four (1988) I really liked this one, maybe the third best of the series. Father and daughter are living together. Mom has passed away. But she has left a very important letter for her daughter to read. This one gets a little weird and freaky, but it's still enjoyable. 371 Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone 372 The Spider Woman Your can have Professor Moriarity. Here is my favorite Holmes baddie, a woman. A bad, bad woman. A bunch of men are killing themselves In their pajamas. Or are they? Holmes: “I suspect a woman.” Watson: “You amaze me, Holmes. Why a woman?” Holmes: “Because the method, whatever it is, is particularly subtle and cruel. Feline, not canine.” 373 The Thirteenth Warrior (1999) 374 Jonny Quest episode -- "Pirates From Below" (1965) 375 Goldeneye (1995) 376 The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) 377 King Kong (2005) You don't even see Kong for the first hour of the movie, and I was just giddy. Jackson does so many little things right, I was beside myself with joy. I must have said, "This is so cool!" to my brother ten times while watching the movie, and I never talk during movies. Amazing shots, amazing CGI, you hardly notice the CGI. The score is really exceptional. Jackson is at the top of his game, you really see all the love on the screen. He gets all these little details right. I actually enjoyed the build-up as much as all the King Kong scenes. My favorite scene was when the ship was trying to land at Skull Island and their ship almost crashes into the rocks. Or maybe when Kong pounds on the dinosaurs, that was cool too. Biggest omission: Kong doesn't sniff his hand! I couldn't believe Jackson took that out. Still, though, Jackson's version has the original beat by a mile. The first movie is fun, but cartoonish. This one is serious cool. Go see it. 378 Seinfeld episode -- "The Stall" (1994) This is the one where the woman in the bathroom could not spare a square. 379 The Grinch Who Stole Christmas 380 Wild Things (1998) 381 A Foreign Affair (1948) 382 Diner (1982) 383 Cry the Beloved Country (1996) This movie just blew me away. Made me cry. Completely awesome portrayal of South Africa in the 1940's or thereabouts. This is the best Richard Harris acting I've ever seen. He plays the racist father of a liberal son. His son is killed by a "native." When he hears the news, Harris' performance is on another world. He conveys his shock at his son's death, while at the same time conveying all the privilege of his status in a racist society. He has trouble getting his brain around the fact that his son is dead, and that a black man killed him. Later, Harris refuses to shake the hand of another black man who was paying his respects at the funeral. James Earl Jones' performance is almost as good, as a rural preacher searching for his lost son. It's a different, atypical performance for Jones--he plays a humble man who is prone to cry whenever a kindness is shown him. This is a seemingly tiny film about two men, but it serves as a much larger parable about race and racism, what it means to be a Christian, and fathers and sons. It is a thought-provoking, moving, and incredibly subtle movie. It's not so much a movie about race, as a movie about humanity. Brilliant. 384 Sullivan’s Travels (1941) 385 Waking Life (2001) I liked it a lot. Richard Linklater has made Slacker, about a lot of Austin oddballs, and this movie is similar in style. You jump from character to character to character, spending a minute or so with each one. This film is a bit more intellectual than his earlier work, and of course it's animated. The animation is pretty amazing. The cartoons do a lot of squiggling, if that's a word. It's a film about dreams, and dreaming. A young man has conversations with a wide variety of people, from professors at the University of Texas to nutballs on the street. Most of the conversations deal with the concept of dreams, and our perception of dreams, and the difference between dreams and reality. Not surprisingly, the man is not sure if he's really having these conversations, or if he's dreaming about them. Very alienated film, and yet you get the feeling that these characters don't want to be alienated, that they want to make connections of some sort. It's a film full of ideas, many of them odd, but there are so many ideas thrown at you that you are likely to be highly stimulated. I think Linklater went through and filmed everything with a handheld camera, and then showed it to the animators, and they did whatever it is animators do. Visually, the film looks completely original. I've never seen anything like it. 386 My Night With Maud (1969) 387 Night and the City (1950) Whoa. Dassin's best crime flick. Better than Rififi. And that's a great movie. Widmark is insanely good. Cinematography is gorgeous, they shot it out in the streets of London. I'm a huge fan of film noir, I don't know if this would be top 10, but it would be close. And it might be the truest example of a film noir in that the protagonist is such a lost soul, a loser with nowhere to run. Brutal, beautiful, awesome flick. This is Dassin at his best. What a master. 388 Touch of Evil (1958) 389 Swingers (1996) 390 Late Autumn Ozu again. All of his films are incredibly polite, gentle films. He's so brilliant, and yet at the same time very unassuming. I'd say he is the least pretentious of filmmakers--his films are very ordinary and simple stories. Everything is low key, and yet the ultimate effect is quite powerful. 391 Only Angels Have Wings (1939) One of the early Cary Grant movies, directed by Howard Hawks. It's one of the definitive guy pictures, a movie about a bunch of pilots who risk their lives to deliver the mail in South America. The airplane shots in this film are pretty spectacular, I said "wow" a couple of times. One of the interesting parts of the movie is how the pilots act when one of the pilots dies. They drink and sing as if nothing has happened. It's really cold--in fact this role is one of Grant's coldest. But it's also interesting. All the pilots ignore the man's death, they have to, because if they think about it, they might start worrying and being afraid, and then they won't fly anymore. So they pretend. It's really interesting, this idea of masculinity-as-pretense. The pilots will themselves to be brave by pretending that they are brave. Which makes them brave. Hawks contrasts this emotional repression with the more expressive Jean Arthur. (Actually, she's a bit of a crybaby). An interesting twist in this romance is that it's Arthur's character who does most of the seducing; Grant's character is pretty passive. At one point it is strongly suggested that the two characters are going to sleep together. At the last second it is Grant's character who backs away. Overall I found it a very fascinating study in sex roles in the 1940's, and a pretty good adventure yarn, sort of an early Indiana Jones flick. 392 I Know Where I’m Going! (1945) 393 Outland (1981) 394 A Letter to Three Wives (1949) 395 Ace in the Hole 396 Shooting Fish (1997) 397 30 Days of Night Awesome vampire flick. It's set in a small Alaskan town where they lose sunlight for thirty days. Visually, it's a gorgeous film, rivaling The Ring and Aliens for pure beauty of its images. There are lots of vampires, not just one, and they all look terrific and malevolent. Would I shock you by saying this is better than any zombie movie ever made? Finally, the vampires caught up to the zombies! The vampire actors all wore these huge black contact lenses that made their eyes look super-freaky. I was amused by one of the production featurettes that showed the director guiding his stunt people. "You're not zombies! Don't act like zombies!" There's a huge amount of suspense, some humor and a minimal amount of gore (with a couple of notable exceptions). They opt to do a lot of stuff off-camera, refusing to show you things, which gets a big thumbs up in my book. Josh Hartnett does a fine job as the protagonist. I like the bit where the townspeople are debating on whether ultra-violet rays will kill the beasts. "Just because it works on Bela Lugosi." Also funny to me is that these are atheist vampires. "No God," says the head vampire (Danny Huston, who's frickin awesome), so don't bother with your crucifix. Luckily, sun god Ra is still around, smiting the undead, or we'd all be in trouble. 398 Murder, My Sweet (1944) Chandler is an interesting writer because he writes these convulated plots that make his protagonist a clueless sap. And yet Marlowe plods ahead, not knowing what the hell he's doing. Chandler preferred Dick Powell's version of the character to Bogart's, and you can see why. The guy has no idea what the hell is going on, and he keeps getting smacked down into unconsciousness. Bogart's Marlowe seems confident, like he's in on the gag. He's a bigger star than Powell of course, and he seems stronger, a more impressive man. Powell seems small, rumpled, a loser on the outside. The Big Sleep is a pretty good movie--although so help me I will never understand that plot--but this is a cooler flick in almost every way that counts. Not as fantastic as The Long Goodbye, my favorite adaptation of Chandler, but Dmtryk (buy a vowel, dude) has made a fantastic film noir. 399 The Virgin Spring (1960) A great Bergman film. There's very little hammy acting in this, almost no whiny monologues, and a plot. Drama! This is actually a highly enjoyable Bergman pain ride. With some amazing cinematography from Sven Nykvist. 400 Magnolia (1999) 401 The Dark Knight I think this movie affects so many people so strongly because it is a metaphor for the war on terror. The movie clearly and unmistakably asks us how far are we willing to go in fighting crazy people who threaten our way of life. Are we willing to use torture in order to save innocent lives? Do the ends justify the means? How much surveillance is acceptable? Are we corrupting our own way of life out of fear? In our art we are currently working through many of these issues. You see it in television shows like Alias or 24. The good guys use torture. Are we good guys? Or by jumping into the abyss like this are we ourselves now bad? The Batman has always been called the dark knight. He's a character born out of pain, and a thirst for revenge. So it is relatively easy to use the Batman to explore the idea of righteous wrath of a hero. In Star Wars, one of the most underrated films ever made in my opinion, the filmmakers explore the idea of our dark side, and how one should always avoid fear and anger. (Maybe this is more explicit in Empire). Star Wars argues that there is no righteous anger, and to do dark things is to become dark yourself. I think Star Wars is basically right on this, and yet I find exploring the dark side of heroes to be one of the most interesting things an artist can do. Han Solo is more interesting than Luke Skywalker because he has a dark side. (And because he shot first). Dirty Harry explored all of this back in the early 70's, with Dirty Harry being yes, a dark knight. And then in the sequel the filmmakers felt the need to draw a distinction between Dirty Harry and vigilante killer cops. How far do you go before you become bad yourself? The Batman movies are working the same moral ground as Dirty Harry, but the results are far more interesting. In part this is because the stakes are much higher since 9/11, and on a subconscious level many of us realize this. But more specifically these films are stronger because the bad guys are drawn so powerfully, and so scary. The bad guys in all the Dirty Harry movies suck. None of them are scary. Who's scary, that wimpy hippie with the long hair? Mean mugger #3? Whatever. Batman Begins was Nolan's (way superior) version of Magnum Force, with Ras-al-Ghul as the murdering vigilante. The Dark Knight, of course, is his Dirty Harry. The first Batman movie was about the lines we draw as we fight bad guys. But the sequel is about the primal conflict, the war on crazy. Not fighting bank robbers or greedy criminals or power-mad people. Batman is fighting an enemy who wants innocent people to die for no reason that makes any rational sense. He wants us to die because he wants us to die. There's no reason. It's just crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. This affects us strongly because this is what people fear about Islamic terrorists. That they are insane. They are the Joker. It is the Joker, and Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker, that raises this movie above some random episode of Alias or 24, or Dirty Harry or Death Wish or whathaveyou. Movies like this live or die on the strength of their antagonist. The stronger and scarier the antagonist, the better the movie. Ledger's Joker is phenomenal. It is the movie. The movie is bloated and over-long. You could hack off another 30 minutes without missing anything. Why is Two-Face in this frickin movie anyway? None of this matters, really. What mesmerizes about this film, what makes it unforgetable, is Ledger's frightening performance. The actor's death just makes it even scarier. Evil gets put up on the screen quite a bit. This has to be one of the strongest examples of it, ever. It's scary. And you watch Batman give in to fear, and anger, and rage, and you wonder how this could possibly end well. Anyway, metaphor for the war on terror. 402 My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997) 403 Robin-B-Hood Jackie Chan movie. He's slowed down a bit, not doing the ferocious stunts he did earlier in his career. But everything's improved around him. Better stories, better actors, better cinematography. He's got a great screen presence. Here he's playing a likable criminal who gets in over his head. Cool movie, likable. 404 Alien (1979) 405 The Monster (1994) Directed and acted by Roberto Benigni, in this movie he plays an innocent man suspected of being a sex fiend and woman-killer by the police. The police send in an undercover policewoman to lure Benigni into trying to kill her. She becomes convinced of his innocence, however, and sets off to find the real killer. Almost no suspense in this movie, but it's very funny and romantic. 406 The African Queen (1951) Katharine Hepburn wrote a great book, The Making of the African Queen: Or How I Went to Africa With Bogart, Bacall and Huston and Almost Lost My Mind. It's a short book, but way cool. She writes very well, and of course from an insider perspective. It's been over a decade since I've read it, but I liked it a lot. I still remember one funny bit. Hepburn put up a fuss about not having a full-length mirror. They were filming in the jungle, and nobody thought to bring a full-length mirror for Kate. And she was very unhappy about this. She was an actress who was going to appear on the big screen, and she wanted to look good. And she needed a full-length mirror. "John, I need a fulllength mirror. I can't work without a full-length mirror!" So Huston has to take time off from shooting elephants, in order to bring a full-length mirror out into the jungle. So Kate can look at herself. And of course all the men are giving Hepburn a hard time. "Oh, you're so vain. You're such a girl! Bringing a full-length mirror out into the jungle." So finally the mirror arrives, and Kate can look at herself, and she's happy. Only problem is, now that the mirror is out in the jungle, other people want to use it. Bogart wants to look at himself. Huston wants to look at himself. So everybody's using the mirror, and Kate has to fight for mirror time. 407 Jurassic Park (1993) 408 The Magnificent Seven (1960) 409 The Commitments (1991) A funny and interesting look at a struggling blues band in England. One of the best soundtracks you can buy, in my opinion, and a pretty darn good movie to boot. 410 John Carpenter's The Thing (1982) 411 Murder Ahoy I'm a huge fan of Hercule Poirot, but I never much got into the Miss Marple books. Don't know why, same author of course. Anyway, the Miss Marple movies rock. Love 'em. There are four of them, all starring Dame Margaret Rutherford. Who is perfecto. If you like one you'll like 'em all. The others are Murder She Said, Murder at the Gallop and Murder Most Foul. 412 She’s All That (1999) 413 Wimbledon (2003) I liked it a lot. It's pretty much what you would expect an English rom-com to be. Very predictable. And yet, everything was done very well. The acting, dialog, shot selection, editing, it's all of the highest quality. It doesn't strive to be deep or meaningful, but what it sets out to do, entertain, it does well. I liked it more than I like watching tennis, let's put it that way. One notable original touch is the constant use of voice-over narration throughout all of the tennis matches. Ron Shelton uses this technique briefly in Bull Durham when Crash is at the plate (“Quick bat, quick bat”). It’s highly effective here as it opens up an internal conflict at the same time that we witness the tennis matches. It brings his inner turmoil to the surface. And the technique is dropped during the love scenes with Kirstin Dunst, which are fun and loose. She’s terrific as a bitchy and aggressive athlete. He’s nicer than she is, more vulnerable. One nice thing about tennis is that both men and women can play it, and so it’s a good sport for a battle of the sexes. Ron Shelton is probably kicking himself for not doing a tennis movie. It’s a playful and fun movie, a British version of a Ron Shelton sports film. You know where it’s going but it’s a really fun ride. 414 Raging Bull (1980) 415 Irma La Douce (1963) 416 The Third Man This is my favorite Orson Welles performance. The score is kinda annoying but the cinematography is unbelievable. 417 College (1927) Buster has a little guy persona. He's clearly an athlete, but he's also a little guy, and he works it. When Buster gets in a fight with somebody, it's always a big guy, and the fight is so uneven, it's always funny. Here Buster's character is a scholar and a bit of a mama's boy. One of the pleasures of Buster's cinema is to watch him vanquish bigger, larger foes through pure tenacity and determination. It's uplifting. Here Buster tries to prove his manhood to a girl through competitive sports, with disastrous results, but he keeps trying and trying and finally winning. One of the few stunts Buster did not do was the pole vault through the window. He got an Olympic pole vaulter to do that one. 418 Night Train to Paris Before Leslie Nielson was a comic genius--or, at any rate, a comic smart guy--he had some nice dramatic roles. And here's one, a B movie send-up of Hitchcock that's funny and cool. Something's really sexy and fun about trains. Silver Streak wishes it could be as cool as this movie. And Trading Places totally rips off that man in a gorilla suit from this flick. The best train movie is, of course, The Lady Vanishes, but if you've already seen it twice, check this one out instead. Spies, dead bodies, and trains. You can't go wrong. 419 The Blue Gardenia (1953) Fritz Lang might have been a little irked that Hitchcock stole the suspense crown from him. Lang, after all, made M in 1931, about a guilty man who's rightly accused. Dude, that's the wrong formula! (I never get the love people have for M. I'm all "Capture him! Lock him up!"). Anyway, Lang went back to the suspense drawing board and came up with this corker of a film. Anne Baxter wakes up after a drunken night on the town to discover a dead body at her feet. Oops! 420 Donnie Darko (2001) 421 Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001) Woody is getting pretty old to be a romantic lead, but this is still classic and fun. Set in the 1940's, the dialog between Woody and Helen Hunt is witty and fast, like a cross between a Bogart movie and His Girl Friday. The put-down lines are hysterical. 422 The Princess Bride (1987) 423 Fargo (1996) 424 Reservoir Dogs (1992) 425 Hud (1963) 426 Deathtrap (1982) 427 Naked Gun 2 1/2 (1991) 428 Love Potion #9 (1992) 429 Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) 430 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975) 431 Black Narcissus (1947) A group of nuns are opening a new convent in the Himalayas. The beautiful scenery starts to affect them, and they start flashing back on men they have loved. Before you know it, lust! Lust in the Himalayas! 432 Local Hero (1983) 433 Blind Beast (1969) Masumura's horror film is unlike anything you have seen, or will ever see. Nothing is quite like Japanese horror--it's like S & M in bizarro world. This blind sculptor kidnaps a beautiful woman in order to create an amazing work of art. The set designs alone are worth the price of admission. That room is freaky, freaky, freaky! Here is the wall where I keep my ears. And here is the wall with the noses. And here is the wall with the eyeballs. And here is the wall with the nipples. The ol' nipple wall. And the blind guy is all, "I just want to sculpt your perfect body, and reduce you to your body parts, like Picasso. It's art." And the victim is all, "cut me up, blind guy! Cut me up! I love it!" Ain't no weird like Japanese weird. 434 The Cameraman It's slow in the beginning, and more than a little sappy. What are we watching, a Chaplin movie? It doesn't pick up for me until Buster goes on a date with his girl. He's changing into his swimsuit, and this fat guy gets into the dressing room with him. And Buster's like, "hey, I'm in here, get your own dressing room." And the fat guy says, "shut up." So the two are changing clothes in this small room. Obvious, yeah, but so what? I was in stitches. And it builds and builds. Get your foot out of my shirt. Get your ass off my ear. Buster is so annoyed. And he emerges wearing the fat guy's bathing suit, and the fat guy is wearing Buster's bathing suit. Dude. I get the giggles just thinking about it. Words can't do it justice. (That's the point, damn it). The climax, involving a riot at a Chinatown parade, is just as funny. Buster, filming the melee, hands people weapons so that his movie will be more interesting. It's hysterical. Buster was mocking Michael Moore before Michael Moore was born. 435 Lolita (1962) 436 The Sting (1973) 437 Night on Earth (1991) 438 Super Troopers (2001) 439 Trouble in Paradise (1932) 440 Kids (1995) This is a movie I won't be forgetting anytime soon. Absolutely brutal movie, I hated it for the first 30 minutes or so. Just hated it. But I couldn't stop watching it. The film opens with two teenagers kissing. And let me tell ya, I've kissed people before, but if it looks like that, I want to stop. I always thought "sucking face" was just an expression. No, he pretty much was swallowing her lips. This movie will absolutely appall you. It portrays sex as a degrading experience, as a way humans can debase one another, as a transmission for disease. Really, this movie will turn you into a Republican for a couple of hours. "Stay a virgin! Stay a virgin!" And yet I think Clark has made something that is honest and true, and definitely thought-provoking. I wouldn't call it beautiful, but I would call it art, and it is excellent. Cinematography is powerful, particularly the fight sequence in the park. It's an intense and upsetting movie, not for the faint of heart, or people who want to see happy, uplifting cinema. This is in the "ugly, powerful" section. 441 Juno (2007) Man, she writes some good dialog. The screenwriter, Diablo Cody, is a bit of a character, smart feminist type who worked as a stripper for a while so she'd have something to write about. It's the sort of movie where the writing pops right out at you. Great use of language, great slang. One of the things I like about books is the enjoyment of words, and putting them together in odd ways (P.G. Wodehouse is a favorite of mine). And of course the other nice thing about books is how they can let you inside a character's head. This movie does that too--Juno's p.o.v. overwhelms everything. It's her world and it's fun to see other, more normal people come into her orbit. Performances are outstanding. Ivan Reitman's kid directed this film, does a credible job I guess. Hollywood nepotism annoys the crap out of me, to be honest. I just wish they wouldn't in-breed so much in the movie biz, they're all gonna develop web feet or something. Good to know ex-strippers can still break in. Damn she can write. 442 A Charlie Brown Christmas 443 Man on the Flying Trapeze 444 any random episode of Detective Conan. Released in the US as Case Closed, I am currently addicted to this anime. It's the Japanese version of a whodidit, with a high school kid who has been shrunk into the body of a six-year-old. Sort of a cross between Encyclopedia Brown and Speed Racer. They've been churning these out for years in Japan, both TV shows and feature films. The 10th film was released last year and was #1 in the box office, grossing $26 million. Man, Japan is a cool culture. Anyway, it's not for everybody, but if you like whodidits, or anime, or anime whodidits, you got to see this. 445 Trading Places (1983) 446 The Bear (1989) Jean-Jacques Annaud has made an awesome film. This is a film about a young bear cub, filmed from his point of view. It's like Disney for grown-ups. There is violence, animal sex and casual drug use. (I kid you not, the bear gets a hold of a bad mushroom). The Bear also gives us some human hunters who are not drawn as monsters--they play with a bear cub and joke with each other--but nonetheless are dangerous antagonists who are trying to track and kill a massive grizzly. The bear actors are amazing and the cinematography is gorgeous. 447 The Captain's Paradise (1953) 448 Stage Fright (1950) 449 The Passion of the Christ (2004) It's a pretty amazing film. It's not as gorgeous as The Passion of Joan of Arc, but the cinematography is still remarkable. I personally think the story works even if the viewer isn't religious. There are many scenes that are incredibly moving, such as Judas betraying Jesus for 30 pieces of silver, or Peter's denial of Jesus while He is being flogged. The acting is superb, particularly the two female leads, Bellucci and Morgenstern, not to mention Rosalinda Celentano as Satan. I didn't realize Satan was a woman until I looked it up at IMDB. (That almost sounds like a hit country song, I Didn't Realize Satan Was A Woman Until I Looked It Up At IMDB). She was bald-headed. Anyway, terrific performance, very sinister and eerie. I think I saw a tiny serpent crawl out of her nostril? That was cool. The devil scenes were pretty amazing. Did I cry? Yeah, I have to say I did. I had tears running down my face in a couple of places. Mostly I felt sorry for Peter and, later, Judas, when he tried to give the money back. The movie made me reflect on all the sins I've done in my life, which is kind of humbling. It also made me wonder what I would do if I lived back then. If I was a Jew or a Roman, would I convert after listening to Jesus? Or would I stay a Jew or a Roman? If I converted and became a follower of Jesus, would I betray Him? Would I deny Him? Would I be laughing at him, or washing my hands? I'd like to think I wouldn't be one of the guys flogging him with a whip. Or one of those cheering death penalty people. In regard to the allegations of anti-Semitism, the head bad guy is the Jewish leader Caiphas. And his evil comes about precisely because he is threatened by Jesus and what He teaches. So in that sense, Gibson is recounting a thelogy dispute. Caiphas wants Jesus dead because of Caiphas' strong religious belief that Jesus is not the Messiah, but rather a liar and a fraud, a blasphemer and a crazy person. Yet the movie is careful to note that Jesus is a Jew. Gibson cast James Caviezel in the lead, and while he's not a Jew, he certainly looks like he could be. This is a big improvement over, say, casting a famous Swedish actor to play Jesus. And aside from the look of the actor, there are several references in the movie to the Jewishness of Jesus, and many of His followers as well. More importantly, Gibson populates his movie with many Jewish characters who are not followers of Jesus (i.e. not Christian in the modern sense) but who nonetheless recoil at his show trial and his crucifixion. Comment was made by several in the temple at the irregularities of Jesus' "trial," at how many of the council leaders were missing, at how the "trial" was done in the middle of the night. Caiphas himself explains to Pilate how the Jews could not execute Jesus, because it was against Jewish law to execute anybody. And yet Caiphas was trying to get Jesus executed. The movie makes clear, in other words, that Caiphas was not a good Jew. A bad guy in a Gibson movie tends to be really bad, and Caiphas is definitely bad. But some of the Romans come off as worse, if anything. The guy who played Pontius Pilate, Hristo Shopov, is frickin brilliant. Gibson also cast one really fascinating actor to be the head flogger. Unfortunately I don't know what his name is. (I think he's listed in the cast as "Brutal Roman"). That was some amazing work he did. The flogging scenes are hard to watch. More than once I had the thought, "Stop it." Which of course isn't a thought you usually get in a violent movie. I never had that thought in Rocky, for example. Although I did have it in Cool Hand Luke. (Awesome Jesus imagery in Cool Hand Luke, by the way). Mostly the violence in the movie sickened me. And yet the cinematography in these scenes is pretty amazing. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't look away. I thought Caviezel played the torture scenes very convincingly. I thought he fell short whenever he was asked to do something miraculous. Which isn't surprising, I guess. Anyway, he often came across to me as just another guy claiming to be the Messiah, rather than the actual Messiah. Although I did like his work in some of the flashback scenes, particularly the early one when he was building a table. The shots are amazing, the cinematography is gorgeous, most of the acting is superb, and the score is terrific. I actually thought the ending was a little abrupt, I would like to have seen more of the Resurrection. My one complaint in the movie is Gibson’s choice of music for the Resurrection. It should have been gentle and sweet. Instead it was Terminator II music, like Jesus was about to go off to battle. I thought that was a bit of a misfire. All in all, though, it's a great movie, well worth seeing and talking about. Thumbs up to Gibson for following his heart and trying to do something important, rather than make sequel X with car chase Y. Hopefully more in Hollywood will follow his example, and do something intense and crazy, rather than safe and boring. 450 Pulp Fiction (1994) 451 Barcelona (1994) Whit Stillman is that rarest of breeds, the gentle right-winger. He has an ability to mock himself, his culture, and his own belief system. His politics inform his comedy, but you don't have to agree with Stillman to laugh. He often turns his wry humor on himself, his class, and his country. You can recognize Stillman is a Republican in the same way you can recognize Woody Allen is a liberal, but their humor isn't angry, and both men often mock themselves. In Barcelona, Stillman has a Spanish woman go off on an anti-American rant. "America, with all of its crime, consumerism, and vulgarity. All those loud, badly dressed, fat people watching their eighty channels of television and visiting shopping malls. The plastic throw-everything-away society with its notorious violence and racism. And finally, the total lack of culture." It's an over-the-top exaggeration, and funny, but also a bit of truth in the charge, which makes it even funnier. One of Stillman's Americans, a right-wing Navy man named Fred, says, "I think it's well known that anti-Americanism has its roots in impotence." You get the feeling that he read this somewhere. Of course, anti-Americanism is often based on a fear of American power, but it's military power, not sexual potency. And then Fred qualifies his impotence charge (“at least in Europe”) which makes it even funnier. Later, Ted is recounting some anti-Americanism he has heard that made him mad. Ted: "I cannot believe the lies Ramon is spreading about the U.S." Fred: (assuming this is indicative of some sexual problem) "I know. Poor guy." I love it when they try to discuss foreign affairs with the Spanish. Ted, the earnest, sensitive one, tries to explain the U.S. position. Ted: "Maybe you'd like an analogy. Well, take... take these ants. In the U.S. view, a small group, or cadre, of fierce red ants have taken power and are oppressing the black ant majority. Now the stated U.S. policy is to aid those black ants opposing the red ants in hopes of restoring democracy, and to impede the red ants from assisting their red ant comrades in neighboring ant colonies." Ramon: "That is clearly the most disgusting description of U.S. policy I have ever heard. The Third World is just a lot of ants to you." Jurgen: "Those are people dying, not ants." Now Ted's hurt that he's been misunderstood. So he tries to explain. Ted: "No, I...I was reducing everything to ant scale, the... the U.S. included. An ant White House, an ant CIA, an ant Congress, an ant Pentagon..." Ramon: "Secret ant landing strips, illegally established on foreign soil." About this time, Fred loses his patience with the discussion. No doubt he suffers from ADD, brought about by our eighty-eight channels of television, and our total lack of culture. Fred: "Where are the red ants?" Ted: (pointing to an ant hill) "There." Fred crushes the ants with his shoe. Really, it's a brilliant film, both perceptive and witty. Metropolitan is even cooler. 452 High and Low (1963) You can divide this movie into two parts--the first part, with Mifune, and the rest of it. The first hour or so is maybe the finest hour of drama I've ever seen in my life. And it all takes place in one room, that's the claustrophobic cool thing about it. The second half, a police procedural based on the works of Ed McBain, is slower and not as interesting. A brilliant but flawed Kurosawa. 453 A Man and a Woman (1966) Beautiful little love story from France. Very sincere, very moving, romantic without being sappy or melodramatic. French cinema is filled with adultery and aloof, cynical bastards. This is a refreshing change of pace, a genuinely romantic film with people who care deeply. 454 The House of Fear Holmes and Watson in a castle where people keep dying. Awesome set and cinematography. 455 Dan in Real Life (2007) You don't get a lot of rom-coms aimed at adults these days, and when you do you ought to run out and see it. How old is Juliette Binoche, anyway? I feel like she's been around forever. Anyway, she plays a 30ish kid here and completely pulls it off. French women are ageless, I swear. I was expecting a stupid comedy about some advice column writer who in real life is stupid, and his kids are all smarter than he is. You know, children are wise and we just need to learn from the little ones. So right away the movie dashed my expectations by making the kids foolish and the dad smart. The 15-year-old is all, "But I love him" and the dad is all "Shut up. You're underage. You have no idea. And no you can't drive." And then he falls in love and boy is he pissed off about it. What a great flick. 456 Being John Malkovich (1999) 457 Cluny Brown (1946) Lubitsch practically invents toilet humor with his romantic story about a a woman who fixes toilets for a living, and a high class man who falls in love with her. It's a breezy and fun take on class and sex, Lubitsch-style. 458 Son of Paleface (1952) Frank Tashlin is frickin brilliant and this film is laugh out loud funny. Tashlin was a director of cartoons before he made the leap to motion pictures, and it's never so obvious as watching this movie. He turns Bob Hope into a cartoon, and just piles on the gags. It's like watching a really cool live action version of Bugs Bunny. Awesome sight gags. And Hope pulls it off beautifully. Brilliant stuff. He has some brilliant gags he does with Roy Rogers' horse, Trigger. They sleep together and Trigger steals the sheets. What a smart horse. Anyway, if you like old Warner Brothers cartoons from the 50's, you have to see this movie. 459 Hari-kari One thing you notice, as you check out art from other countries, is that each culture has issues that pop up in their art over and over. For instance, every other Japanese film has a suicide in it. I mean, they just got a thing about suicide. And every other French movie has adultery in it. It's like, oh, you're cheating on your spouse? Never seen that before. It makes you wonder how our movies seem to foreigners. Probably makes us seem homicidal as hell. Every other American film, we're killing somebody. Yo, bad guy. Bam! As one of the characters says in Barcelona, defending our country: "We're not more violent than other people. We're just better shots." Anyway, in Hari-Kari, this samurai shows up in a lord's courtyard. "I am going to kill myself in your courtyard. But first, you will hear my story." So you got to listen, right? And the tension builds and builds. What you find out is this samurai is up to something. He's got an agenda. It's a very cool movie, with awesome cinematography. One thing that's fun about Japanese art--you hear this a lot in Kurosawa, too--is the classic Japanese score. I don't know what they're doing. They're making Japanese sounds that sound foreign as hell. "Bong. Clock. Ticka-ticka-ticka." I can't really write out Japanese music, you have to hear it. 460 Blue Velvet (1986) Probably the most twisted mainstream film in regard to sex I have ever seen. David Lynch's film starts off with Kyle MacLachlan finding a severed ear in a field. MacLachlan plays amateur detective, ultimately becoming a voyeur. He spies on Dennis Hopper, who plays possibly the sickest bad guy I have seen outside of Chinatown, and Isabella Rosellini, cast as perhaps the most masochistic woman in the history of film. This movie practically started a riot at Cannes. 461 Full Metal Jacket (1987) I didn't like this movie much the first time I saw it. Or, to put it more succinctly, I really liked the first part, and I was bored out of my mind on the second part. The first part (the training camp sequence) is, from a narrative point of view, very strong. Really an amazing sequence. And compared to this, the Vietnam stuff was a huge let down. I saw Full Metal Jacket again recently. And while I still liked the training camp stuff (although, weirdly, not as much), what truly held my attention was the last act of the movie. The battle scenes here are probably the coolest battle scenes ever filmed in any movie I have ever seen. Kubrick fans rave about the battle scenes in Paths of Glory, but the shots here are much more gripping, emotionally, and more beautiful to boot. And while the last two-thirds of the movie is still missing the strong driving narrative of the first third, I was much more forgiving of this the second time around, and I enjoyed the movie a lot more. I think the movie still has flaws, but as I've gotten older I've become more appreciative of flawed masterpieces. Which is how I would rate Full Metal Jacket today. 462 Breaking Away (1979) 463 Vampire Hunter D (1985) This was my first anime, which is a Japanese cartoon. Their animation style is really unusual. Anime annoys the hell out of my brother. Not this movie, he hasn't seen it. I don't know, he's pig-headed. He saw a bad one and now he's prejudiced. This one is awesome so start here. No, wait. Start with Ghost in the Machine. He hasn't seen that one, either. There's a vampire hunter named D, and he's way cooler than Van Helsing. Way way way cooler. Cause he's half-vampire. And there's a lot of technology and science-fiction weaponry. So it's a futuristic world. But they're still driving around in horse-and-buggy. So all of the R & D budget on this vampire world is for weapons, not for transportation. Which is what the world would be like if you had vampires running around. I'd spend all my money on weapons, too. Anyway, aliens and monsters and vampires and sci-fi weapons and a talking hand and sexual repression cause you don't want to bite that nice girl and turn her into a vampire. Or half-vampire. If I remember right, his mom was pregnant and bit by a vampire, so he was born half-human and half-vampire. He's a half-breed and an outcast. So it's an artistic commentary on race, too. In Japan, animation is aimed at adults as much as kids. So that's another thing you'll notice, that Japanese cartoons often are R-rated or close to it. 464 Sweet Smell of Success (1957) Oh, this is a dirty little movie! But really good. Burt Lancaster plays a columnist based on Walter Winchell. It's probably the best performance I have ever seen from Lancaster, really dirty and self-righteous, all at once. Tony Curtis is terrific as his sleazy sycophant. Curtis plays a man in the p.r. biz, who makes a living by getting his clients into Lancaster's column. The film has a couple of noble characters, but basically it's a study in evil, corruption, and selling your soul for a buck. Set in New York city, the film has a wonderful city feel to it, and a great score. The plot is a little hammy--involving breaking up a romance between the columnist's sister and a jazz musician--but the dialog sparkles. I got kind of worked up watching this movie, Lancaster's character is so evil. 465 Risky Business (1983) 466 From Russia With Love (1963) 467 Valmont (1989) I saw Dangerous Liaisons over ten years ago. It was okay, I thought. Nothing special. Since I wasn't enthralled, I had little interest in seeing Valmont, which is another take on the same story. My loss! Boy, Valmont is amazing. Milos Forman (director of Amadeus and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) has made a vastly superior film, in my opinion. The main difference? Passion. Heat. Youth. All the actors in Forman's film are much younger than in Stephen Frears' version. Colin Firth (29), Annette Benning (31) and Meg Tilly (29) are all terrific. Firth plays the title role with humor, warmth, and a light touch. Benning plays her role with a devious eye, a sexual manner, and a thirst for vengenace. The difference is stark. In Dangerous Liaisons, Glenn Close is ten years older, and light years colder than Benning's version. One can't imagine Close's character in bed with anyone. She is a cold fish who treats her manipulations not like a woman scorned, but like a chess match. For her sex is an intellectual exercise without any heat or feeling. Malkovich is worse. He plays Valmont like an oily reptile. You can't imagine him seducing anyone. It's as if "EVIL" is stamped on his forehead. And he has a tongue like a lizard. Valmont has a sense of fun that is missing in Dangerous Liaisons. Watching that movie is like going on a puritan witchhunt. It's self-righteous and obvious. The characters are so corrupt and jaded we wait, bored, for them to be destroyed. Dangerous Liaisons is a condemnation. Valmont is an invitation. We enjoy these characters and their world. Yes, they are sexually manipulative, but they are also likable rogues, attractive to us. Everything in Valmont is played lightly and subtly. We want to spend time with these people. We're invited in, we become complicit in their actions. We ourselves are seduced. Valmont has a winking knowledge of sin, and the fun of being bad. Watching this film, I realized I could sin like this, I could act this way. It's a scary and provocative film, a worldly film. Bravo. 468 Sunday in New York (1963) 469 Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) Bollywood. Dude, that is wrong. It's...it's so wrong. You know those Indian films that are all arty and smart? That ain't this movie. This is Grease in India. And damn if I didn't sing along. It's so normal, so bizarrely normal, and yet so foreign and strange. It's Mickey Mouse Club on acid. It's the Brady Bunch on Bizarro world. With songs and an intermission. And 80's hair. Just thinking about this movie makes me want to sing some more. Kuch kuch hota hai! You know that guy who says there's nothing new under the sun? My ass. That dude's never seen a Bollywood musical. Let me tell ya, I seen a lot of movies, and I ain't seen that before. And yet, it's so familiar! Weird, dude. Seriously weird and awesome and weird. 470 Murder, She Said 471 I’m All Right, Jack! (1959) I liked this a lot. Very British humor about labor strife in Britain. Whathisname plays an upper-class nit who can't do anything. Peter Sellers plays the head of the union, and Terry-Thomas is the management. Some nice physical comedy--I loved it when whathisname puked into the candy vat--but much of the humor is of the satire stuff. Satire is damned hard to do, and it's probably not a coincidence that the most brilliant satires have Peter Sellers in them. He's the master of the deadpan. Anyway, it's a bit of a highbrow, intelligent comedy, but nonetheless it's quite funny. 472 South Park episode -- "Pink Eye" 473 Go West (1928) Once more into the Buster well. If it seems like I'm a little biased, yeah, okay, I am. But also Buster was pretty damn prolific. Chaplin waits five years in between movies. Buster would make two, three movies a year, and when he was bored he would do stunts for other people, just for kicks. Boy that would piss MGM off. I bet I haven't seen half of Buster's oeuvre, man. You know the story about a bull in a china shop? Buster's like, hey, let's put a bull in a china shop. We've got an entire stampede of cattle, chasing Buster through a city. Too funny. Not as funny as brides, but pretty funny. You know the wild endings of Animal House and Blazing Saddles, with all the chaos? Buster topped 'em, with endings that are so chaotic and cool you won't believe it. 474 Johnny English (2003) 475 Seven Samurai (1954) Usually regarded as one of the finest films ever made. I find the first hour or two a bit of a slog, but it's worth it to get to that 30-minute fight scene in the rain. Astounding finale. 476 Marnie (1964) 477 Out There (1995) I got a hell of a kick watching this low-budget comedy. Bill Campbell plays a Pulitzer-prize winning photographer who accidentally comes across some photos of UFOs. Very tongue-in-cheek, and very cute, complete with really lame-looking aliens. I always enjoy watching Campbell and he's in his element here. If alien abductions give you the giggles, well, you'll get a kick out of this movie, which gently mocks the X-files mentality. And hey! I've got one of those naked lady pens too! Oh no! 478 I Married a Witch (1942) Rene Clair moves to Hollywood and directs this English language film. A witch is determined to make a man's life hell. Veronica Lake is the witch. You can haunt me, Veronica! 479 Columbo episode -- "Swan Song" (1974) One of the weird quirks of the Academy awards is that it only considers films that are released in theaters. As a consequence, made-for-TV movies and straight-to-video movies are seen as strictly second tier. A lot of films are released in one theater, and only one theater, in order to avoid this stigma. Of course, most straight-to-video or made-for-TV movies have this stigma for a reason--they suck. There is one mighty exception to this rule. Columbo. Columbo rocks. Particularly the Columbo films made in the 1970s, say from 1972-1976. If I were making a top ten film list for 1973 (a really good year), I'd put two Columbo movies on it. Ditto for 1974 or 1975. The Columbo films are amazing, with incredible writing and acting. What makes this all the more astounding is that it was a rotating group of directors and writers, with the only constant being Peter Falk in the lead. Yet the Columbo films are of such a high quality, that it is extraordinarily difficult to pick a best one. Many supposedly classic films from the 1970's now seem dated and banal to me (e.g. Shampoo or The Parallax View). Columbo, on the other hand, approaches timeless art. Francois Truffaut had two of his characters talk about a Columbo movie in Small Change, and of course Wim Wenders cast Peter Falk in his art movie, Wings of Desire. It's really remarkable, if you think about it. Columbo, in my opinion, is far superior to most film series you could name, whether we are talking about James Bond or Dirty Harry or Sherlock Holmes or Dracula or Godzilla or whathaveyou. (Only one series approaches Columbo in brilliance that I can recall, and that would be the Thin Man series of films in the 30's and 40's). And yet Columbo, unlike any of the above, never appeared on the big screen. For those of you who don't know, you can't "spoil" a Columbo because we see who the murderer is at the beginning of the movie. In this one, The Man in Black himself, Johnny Cash, plays the bad guy, and he's surprisingly good as the ex-convict turned singer. I don’t know why, but most musicians are terrific actors. 480 Music and Lyrics 481 Paycheck (2003) I'm supposed to hate this movie. The critics killed it, Ben Affleck can't act, John Woo can't direct. And I like it. In fact I damn near love it. I had this silly grin on my face for most of the movie. Part of it is I'm a sucker for Philip K. Dick adaptations. His storyline kept my interest for the first half of the movie. Memory wipes, cool! Reverse engineering, all right! And then there's a mystery (why did he give up $90 million dollars? What's with all these clues?), and then a Hitchcock theme (innocent man pursued by the authorities) and then some cool John Woo action scenes. Even Woo's detractors would acknowledge he can film a fight scene. The motorcycle chases and the climactic fight in the greenhouse are all cool as hell. His pacing is terrific and the science-fiction story gives this movie a brain. It's fun to watch Affleck think his way through problems and use his mystery items to get himself out of tough jams. Affleck has a terrific screen presence here. Affleck plays aggression very well (see his bit roles in Shakespeare in Love or Boiler Room), and he's convincing and interesting as an action lead. He has okay chemistry with Uma, but since they just met--and right after that his brain is wiped--it's not necessary for the story. Affleck has a commanding presence, which is good because he's constantly on the screen. And Uma is very credible in her fight scenes, she uses her obvious martial arts training to join in some buttkicking. Aaron Eckhart and Paul Giamatti round out an above-average cast. The set design is amazing, realistic and still futuristic, while the cinematography is brilliant. It gives the whole movie a cool vibe. Not cold like Minority Report, not dark like Blade Runner. It's cool and aloof, like an action movie set in the future. It's far and away Woo's best looking film. (His work in Hong Kong is grubby-looking). And yes, Woo sends in a flying dove in the climax. Here comes the bird! By now it's got to be a joke, like Hitchcock making an appearance. Anyway, it made me laugh. It's a highly accomplished action movie, and a very underrated one. The film doesn't have the romance or the humor of a Hitchcock, but it is nonetheless a thrilling version of an innocent man wrongly accused. Kind of a sci-fi version of North By Northwest or The Fugitive. It really hops. 482 Happiness (1965) Varda's art is very feminine. Maybe that's why her art disappears for years and years, cause she's not aggressive enough. But if she was more aggressive, then she wouldn't be making cool movies like this. Or Cleo From 5 to 7, which is even cooler. I like visiting Varda's art for the same reason I get a kick out of Jane Austen movies. I am in Girl World. All those secret conversations that girls are always having, all of a sudden you're privy to those secret conversations. You get a peek inside the feminine mind. Anyway, this movie is so secretive and mysterious I'm not quite sure what the hell I saw. Varda, by the way, was married to Jacques Demy, who made that cool French musical, The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. 483 Rififi (1955) This movie makes a great comparison/contrast with On the Waterfront, made by Elia Kazan. Kazan is notorious for naming names in the McCarthy era. Dassin is one of the guys who got blacklisted. In many ways, On the Waterfront is Kazan's defense for what he did. "If I spill, my life ain't worth a nickel." "And how much is your soul worth if you don't?" Dassin moves to France, and one year later makes Rififi, which is (arguably) a response to Kazan. One of the characters (played, ironically by Dassin himself) is made to inform on his cohorts. And you know what happens to squealers! 484 Radioland Murders (1994) I liked it quite a bit. It's got absolute manic pacing--the characters talk really fast, His Girl Friday style. I'm very partial to that sort of comedy-if a joke doesn't work, you'll hear another one in a few seconds. There's a lot of slapstick physical comedy, too. The movie is based in the golden age of radio, and successfully recreates a 40's vibe. It reminded me strongly of 1941, another movie with nostalgia for the past. Not a lot of people like 1941, it's considered one of Spielberg's big failures. But if you liked Spielberg's movie, then you'll probably love Radioland Murders. Same sort of 1940's premise, but with better execution--and the filmmakers don't rely upon blowing things up for humor. One thing I got a kick out of was watching so many radio productions. We see one-minute episodes of a western, a sci-fi, a Shadow type thing, George Burns playing himself, some great songs, a soap opera, commercials. And we see lots of backstage shenanigans. I've always been fond of backstage shenanigans. (Noises Off, to give one hilarious example). Also there are some comic murders to be solved, so it's kinda similar to Clue, or Murder by Death. So if you can imagine the bastard love child of His Girl Friday and 1941, hooking up with the bastard love child of Noises Off and Clue, the resulting bastard love child would be this movie. Kind of a mess, in other words. But a happy, fun, slapstick of a mess. It's the sort of movie that if you like, you can watch again and again. There's so many gags and bits crammed into it, that you're liable to forget half of them by the time the movie's over. Anyway, if you're fond of fast-paced madcap comedy, check it out. 485 Charlie Chan's Secret Awesome set design and cinematography. This is where I heard the insane commentary. Instead of raving about this movie, they were raving about The Black Camel, with Charlie Chan stuck in Hawaii, and Bela Lugosi playing a swami. Sucks eggs, don't bother unless you're a completist. This movie, on the other hand, pretty much rocks, except no Keye Luke. No way are you going to solve this one. Whole thing takes place in a haunted house, which is just a beautiful set. And the guy who did the cinematography won some Oscars for his work later in his career. When Keye Luke is missing they often bring in some other guy for humor. Either Stepin Fetchit or, in this one, a white English butler. He's playing an almost identical role, superstitious and terrified of the haunted house. Funny performance, made me laugh, but not in Stepin Fetchit's league. 486 Groundhog Day (1993) 487 Shattered (1991) 488 The Celebration (1998) It's a movie about a family reunion on the father's 60th birthday party. The shoddy-looking digital camerawork absolutely fits this movie, in part I suppose because this is kinda like a home movie. It's almost as if one of the cousins in the family reunion had a video camera, and filmed everything that happens. I'm not going to say anything about the plot. Only that this family has some big secrets, and you get to watch everyone in the family lose it. It's a lot of fun, sort of a cross between Ingmar Bergman and Jerry Springer. If those two had a bastard love child, it would be this movie. The Celebration is not really a comedy, it's played straight, but it definitely has farcical elements. I found myself laughing out loud in several parts, when some really horrible secrets started coming out. It was really inappropriate laughter, but I couldn't help myself. While farcical, the film also had a strong sense of realism. You could imagine all this stuff happening. But it's so unbelievably bad, and people are trying to pretend nothing bad is happening, and then an even worse secret comes out, and people are so embarrassed, and nobody can leave because the maids stole all the car keys... It's a horrible train wreck of a movie, but in a good way. It's sad, funny, powerful. All the characters are likable, more or less, so it's all the more appalling to watch this family fall apart. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. Very memorable. Brilliant. 489 McCabe and Mrs. Miller (1971) Altman's film is both ugly and beautiful. Hookers, heroin, death in the snow. It's one of the seediest and most cynical westerns ever made--even more so than Peckinpah. But it's nonetheless quite touching. These characters almost love one another, and you get the sense that if the world was just a little bit better, they would have. Altman's made more bad movies than any film genius has a right to make, but this is one of his magnificent ones. 490 The Name of the Rose (1986)

A- (240) 491 Bound (1996) Oh those rockin' lesbians. Whenever girls try to drag me to see Brokeback Mountain, I always say, "What about Bound? Let's watch Bound again." In Guy Fantasies, lesbians have a prominent position. I'll bet two-thirds of our porn has lesbians. At least. And gay men have been banished. I don't know where they are. On Brokeback Mountain, I guess. Bound has a butch lesbian and a lipstick lesbian. And the lipstick lesbian is like, "You're nice. My Mafia man is so mean. Plus he's got a million dollars. You want to steal it?" Mafia, robbery, double-cross, lesbians. Now that's a movie! 492 The Loved One (1965) 493 The Bellboy (1960) 494 Witness For the Prosecution (1957) Billy Wilder takes a crack at the innocent-man-wrongly-accused theme, and knocks it out of the park. Based on an Agatha Christie, the murder mystery aspects are downplayed, as Wilder emphasizes the suspense elements. An innocent man is accused of murder, and Charles Laughton does his best to get him off. Marlene Dietrich co-stars as a seriously icy blonde who might be the killer herself. 495 Knife in the Water (1962) 496 The Moderns (1988) 497 Ratatouille (2007) 498 Murder by Death (1976) A bunch of detectives here: a Charlie Chan, a Sam Spade, a Hercule Poirot, a Miss Marple and a Thin Man. Peter Falk and Peter Sellers are both hysterical, and David Niven and Maggie Smith are perfect. I get the giggles every time I think of Sellers's Chan describing another detective's theory of the case: "Is stupid. Is stupidest theory I've ever heard." Chan doesn't actually talk that way, but it still cracks me up. Some white people can play Asians (Sellers, Oland) and some white people can't (Mickey Rooney). Oh my God. Mickey Rooney almost single-handedly derails Breakfast at Tiffany's with his Japanese neighbor. I'm completely insensitive and even I am offended. Actually, come to think of it, Mickey Rooney shouldn't act in anything. I think that's the problem right there. 499 Young Frankenstein (1974) 500 Lord of the Flies (1963) 501 Alien Nation (1988) Great sci-fi buddy cop movie about racism and hating on other cultures. In this movie, the race we're hatin' on is an alien race. The PC people call them some damn name, I can't remember what they call them, and everybody else calls them "slags". Yeah yeah, the insults I can remember. Anyway, slags drink sour milk to get drunk (does wonders for their breath), and eat raw beaver (ditto). They're way smarter than we are, taking all our jobs, and our prophylactics are too small for them. Man, I hate them already. It's the best performance James Caan has ever given, way better than his Godfather work. It's mean and surly, human and funny. Watching him and this alien slime work together in this buddy cop movie is awesome. 502 The Heartbreak Kid (1972) 503 Loves of a Blonde (1965) 504 The Big Clock (1948) Great Charles Laughton film noir, with Ray Milland in the lead. Laughton plays the bad guy and it's his most magnificent performance. What an awesome bad guy. Laughton is a huge ham, I think, but he's done some stellar work. Witness For the Prosecution for Wilder, and Ruggles of Red Gap. Of course he also directed another cool film, Night of the Hunter. But this is his strongest performance, hands down. Milland is okay in the lead, and the story is acceptable, but all are overshadowed by one of the all-time great villains. Devious and sinister and sneaky fun. 505 Peeping Tom (1960) Peeping Tom is Michael Powell's last movie, done without Pressburger, and released the same year as Hitchcock's Psycho. The film was killed by English critics (as was Psycho) and pretty much finished Powell's filmmaking career. Powell here takes on the darker aspects of suspense filmmaking, showing us voyeurism, sadism and misogyny. This dark film is fascinating, particularly for what it has to say about voyeurism and how we the audience enjoy looking at murder. 506 House on Haunted Hill (1959) For my money, the best Vincent Price movie, the one you got to see. 507 Columbo episode -- "Candidate for Crime" It’s 1973 and Watergate is heating up. Columbo is up against a Senate candidate who happens to be a murderer. Jackie Cooper is terrific as the smiling politician with an honest face. “My wife’s voting for you,” says Columbo. “I’m undecided.” 508 Olympia (1936) Leni Riefenstahl's documentary of the 1936 Berlin Olympics. It's not as obviously pro-Nazi as her propaganda film, Triumph of the Will. So it's easier to watch. Her sense of composition is amazing. On the other hand, Riefenstahl is derivative as an artist. Her style is an obvious rip-off a Busby Berkeley musical. And nothing here is as cool or creative as Busby. Still it's an impressive example of control and composition with human forms. Mel Brooks would famously skewer this art in The Producers, when all the people in his Nazi musical would start dancing, and it would turn into a giant revolving swastika. It's too funny. 509 Room Service (1938) 510 Payback (1999) Remake of Point Blank, starring Mel Gibson. I loved the original. But the remake's even darker, cooler, and funnier. 511 A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum (1966) 512 Slacker (1991) 513 Fun With Dick and Jane (2005) Most Carrey flicks are just too damn lowbrow for me. But this movie actually has a brain. Heck, it's political. And funny, really funny. My whole family enjoyed it, and it's rare we all like the same movies. It's written by Judd Apatow, the guy who wrote 40-Year-Old Virgin. It's as funny as that one, but instead of sex jokes, most of the humor is about capitalism, debt, greed, unemployment, and illegal aliens. The film takes shots at Enron and Worldcom, and it never comes across as sanctimonious or pompous. They focus on laughs rather than beating you up with the message, but the film definitely has a point of view underlying all the humor. And Tea Leoni is awesome. I love her. 514 Doc Hollywood (1991) 515 Summer Stock (1950) 516 A Woman is a Woman (1961) Imagine you're a party, dancing to a record, and some jerk stops the music in the middle of the song. Then he allows the music to play again. Then he stops the music again. Then he allows the music to play again. Welcome to Jean-Luc Godard's musical. Godard's film has many wonderful scenes--I like the guy riding his bike through his apartment--and still has a feeling of freedom and fun that early Godard cinema often had. But in his bit with the music, you could see his ideology and his mind-games starting to take hold of his art. Like Kubrick, Godard would become obsessed with the idea of art as propaganda and mind-control. He would start to annoy his audience on purpose in order to remind people of the power of the auteur. That this is frickin' childish fascism doesn't seem to have occurred to him. Ideological Godard is oppressive, stultifying, and boring. Audiences avoid it like mad. But romantic Godard, funny Godard, early Godard, this is why we know his name today. A Woman is a Woman isn't a musical, really, but it is light-hearted and fun. Check it out. 517 Stakeout (1987) 518 The Game (1997) 519 Repulsion (1965) Roman rocks! Catherine (misspelling coming up) Denuovoou is way cool, as the icy blonde mental psychopath. It's a little slow in the beginning. I found myself wishing she would go ahead and slash somebody already. And then when it happened I jumped. And then I kept jumping. Great jazz score, nice cinematography, Polanski early in his career did lots of fun stuff with his camera. Not as good as Chinatown, but it's up there with Knife in the Water. 520 Memento (2000) 521 Columbo episode -- "Troubled Waters" (1975) Columbo on the Love Boat! This one is a lot of fun. The bad guy here is Mr. Napolean Solo himself, Robert Vaughn. Also, that’s John Steed (Patrick Macnee) as the ship’s captain. Man, spies all over the Love Boat. And it’s a ship, not a boat. 522 Love Me If You Dare (2003) A bizarre yet interesting non-rom-com from France. It's about these two kids, a boy and a girl, who become best friends and play this little game called Dare. One will dare the other to do something, and the other one will do it. So they get in a lot of trouble, and they grow up and they're still playing the game. And they fall in love and get heartbroken and they're still playing the game. It's dark, it's funny, it's bizarre, it's annoying. Why don't you two crazy kids just love each other like normal people? Still, I have to say I liked this movie a lot. It's a ridiculous and completely absurd story, and yet touching somehow. If you've ever had an ex- who annoys the crap out of you, and yet whenever you see her or him, you're happy? Then this is the movie for you. 523 A Few Good Men (1992) 524 The Road Warrier (1981) 525 War of the Roses (1989) 526 The Thin Man Goes Home (1944) 527 Logan’s Run (1976) 528 Say Anything... (1989) 529 Romeo + Juliet (1996) Clare Danes is terrific, and Leonardo DiCaprio is astoundingly good. I was quite surprised to find myself laughing out loud more than once, at wit that I had no idea was in the play. For instance, the friar says, and I paraphrase, "You love not with your heart, but with your..." and he pauses for a brief second, like he's going to say something else, and I start laughing, and then he says "eyes." That's good. And I like the little grin Danes gives the camera when she speaks of (paraphrasing again) "or any other parts of a man." Later, Tybalt insinuates that Mercutio is gay, which enrages Mercutio. I'm not sure if that was Shakespeare's original intention, but the line reading sure gave that interpretation. (Mercutio dressing in drag early in the film didn't hurt it any). Luhrmann is (I think) completely faithful to Shakespeare's words, although of course he took great liberties with his sets, and he had his actors give line readings that perhaps suggest different meanings than Shakespeare intended. Also, in Luhrmann's version Juliet wakes up while Romeo is dying. In the play, of course Romeo is already dead. That is a rather significant departure from the original play. But Luhrmann didn't add any words of his own. So of course Romeo doesn't say anything, he just stares at Juliet dumbfounded. Luhrmann also adds drug use (Ecstasy, I think) and the "daggers" in the movie are a type of gun. The two rival families are now rival gangs. The opening narration is done by a news anchor. The friar has a huge tattoo on his back of the Christian cross. Completely brilliant and cool, visually stunning and beautiful. My only complaint is actually with the source material. I've never realized this before, but of course Juliet taking the sleeping potion is the mother of all plot devices, and completely unrealistic. 99 out of 100 teenage daughters would say, "Hey Dad, I can't marry Paris on Thursday. I'm already married, to Romeo! So there!" This part of the play really makes no sense. Take this drug, and when you wake up, you can run away with Romeo. Well, hell, run away with him now. Shakespeare sacrifices plausibility in order to have the tragic finale. I guess I'm full of beans today, criticizing Shakespeare. But I wouldn't even have the confidence to criticize, if Luhrmann's play hadn't made the play so accessible to me. What comes across strongly is how impetuous young people can be, particularly romantic young people. They can propose marriage to complete strangers in one moment, and shoot somebody in the next. What a passionate work of art, and Luhrmann's vision really brought it to life. Over the top? Yes, a little. The actors are encouraged to chew a little scenery. But Baz's images are so stunning that you easily forgive all that. I hope he will work the same magic on other works of Shakespeare. 530 A Night to Remember (1958) 531 Mulholland Drive (2001) 532 Go (1999) 533 Best in Show (2000) 534 The Matrix (1999) "I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it." 535 Pandora's Box Another flapper, Louise Brooks, hits the big time in G.W. Pabst's obsessive tale of sexual passion. Pabst has not-so-subtle fun with his film's title. Hey, it was the Roaring 20's, and Germany was a pretty decadent place. You can see Pabst's film as a commentary on the Weimar republic. Fritz Lang had made Metropolis two years before. The Nazis are on the way. And this film is suffused with an air of impending doom. Pabst captures the decadence and the suicide of a culture, in this story of a woman who leads men to their own destruction. Marlene Dietrich made a career out of this archtype, but Brooks sets the record here, I think. Melodramatic, intense, and way cool. It doesn't work all the way through--in parts the film is silly--and yet it's an unforgettable experience. You can't ask for more than that. 536 In America (2002) Amazing film. It's really an impressive accomplishment, a movie about the immigrant experience, with two of the cutest kids you've ever seen, as the whole family copes with the death of one of their family members. This film could have gone wrong in so many ways--could have been overly melodramatic or bogus or filled with false sentiment. Sheridan deals here with emotions many filmmakers wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, particularly now, in our cinematic Age of Irony. There is no irony whatsoever in this film. Think Spielberg or Capra. The film is completely heartfelt, a film about hope and fears and dreams. Yet Sheridan is never corny, in part because all of his actors--even the kids--are frickin brilliant. You won't be embarrassed to cry, and it's not a cheap cry, either. It's a beautiful and touching movie, a family film aimed at parents rather than kids. 537 Vertigo (1958) 538 The Year of Living Dangerously (1982) 539 Open Range (2003) Fascinating film with a great period vibe. Four cowboys are on a cattle drive, moving their small herd of cattle. They run into trouble with a corrupt sheriff of a small town, and the rancher who has the real power. Conflict ensues. The movie has a terrific sense of period detail, what it's really like to be a cowboy. For instance, rain. Rain sucks. The filmmakers attention to craft is amazing. One small example, they use the old-fashioned 19th century glass for windows in their film. The sort of glass that distorts your vision, because it's so thick. They even manage to work the Sears Roebuck catalog into the plot The cowboys talk about coffee and chocolate. The cowboys love dogs more than people. Robert Duvall plays Boss. This is, hands down, Duvall's best performance. You totally believe that he's a 19th century guy, that he's spent all his life rustling cattle. Nobody in Unforgiven is a cowboy like Duvall. In fact, one of the jokes in Unforgiven is that Clint is a gunfighter trying to be a cowboy. Duvall's not a gunfighter. He's a pissed off cowboy. Kevin Costner plays the mean guy on the drive, the gunhand, Waite. If you don't think Costner can play mean, well, you're wrong. There's a small scene where he punches a sleeping man, who is startled awake. Waite asks, "Did that hurt?" The man says "Yeah." And Waite nods. And the movie just leaves it there. Doesn't explain why he hit him. Just hits him and then asks him if it hurts. Now that's mean. I've seen this movie two or three times, and what's so interesting about it is the sense Boss and Waite know each other so well. They know each other's moods. They know when the other one's pissed off and they know why. They've been riding together for ten years. But they don't talk. One of them used to be married and the other one had no idea. Neither of them know the other one's real name. Only when they're about to die in a gunfight do they introduce themselves. When they meet a woman, all of a sudden they become polite. Super-polite. It's an old-fashioned film. You act different around women than around men. It reminded me quite a bit of My Darling Clementine. Costner is not afraid to be corny and square, and he resembles Ford in that respect. It's the sort of film where somebody might say "aw, shucks, ma'am," and mean it. Annette Benning is the romantic lead. She's real good, authentic. In fact she plays one of the best western women I've ever seen. She finds the passion in the character and runs with it, making her seem highly believable and credible. Just a terrific screen presence. And it's not just the acting, but the character is written very well. Both she and Costner are good together. One thing about Costner, he's not afraid to surround himself with actors who are better than he is. The film starts off slow, tension builds, and then at the end of it there's a terrific shoot-out. The final climactic gunfight happens very fast. Costner's choice was to film it in real time, and not worry about confusing the viewer. In fact he films a couple of scenes where our view of the action is obscured. You're not sure who's dead, who's shot, who's involved, who shot who. It's chaotic and violent. The gunfights are really cool. It's an interesting, almost political western. Boss and Waite are in a fight with a law, but they have right on their side, and a lot of the townspeople believe them. Movie's got a fight-the-government vibe, the government is bad, watch out for that corrupt government. Open Range is an ode to freedom and independence, and the necessity sometimes of fighting for what's right. Ford has more humor in his films, and they're zippier. But Costner's film has a feeling of authenticity. He has captured a way of life here, and a mindset. It's really well done. 540 The Red Shoes (1948) 541 Belle de Jour (1967) 542 Steamboat Bill, Jr. (1927) This Buster film is notable for it's hurricane sequence, as an entire town falls apart and Buster runs around, caught in the middle of it. Wonderful sight gags, including one where a wall falls down on top of Buster, but he's okay because he's standing where the doorway was. 543 Whiskey Galore! (1949) 544 Columbo episode -- "Any Old Port in a Storm" (1973) This was voted the best Columbo movie ever on one of the Columbo fan sites, with good reason. Donald Pleasance plays the bad guy, and it's best performance he's ever given, I think, as the owner of a wine vineyard. 545 any random episode of You'll Never Get Rich 546 Small Change (1976) Nice Truffaut movie about childhood. Very gentle, sweet movie, with a large ensemble cast. The child actors are very good and the dialog is excellent, as is usually the case in a Truffaut movie. Not a tightly structured plot, instead it's a loose assortment of scenes or vignettes, some very funny and others more dramatic. It's not as focused (or as brilliant) as Truffaut's The 400 Blows, but it's quite good. 547 The Royal Tenenbaums Royal Tenenbaum is a wonderful creation. He's a genuine son of a bitch. He knows he is, his children know he is, his ex-wife knows he is. But he still wants to be loved. Gene Hackman takes this concept and runs with it. It's his best performance in a career of great performances. It's a simple story about a bad man who seeks redemption. This sort of material is incredibly hard to write. Anderson and Hackman succeed admirably in creating a character who is trying his best to reconnect with his family, while having difficulty doing so because he's such a bastard. And the anger and the resentment in his fellow family members has piled up so high. They are horrible to him and he can't say anything, because they're right. Oh, this film is brutal, but it's so honest and funny and ultimately touching. I liked all the family members, actually. They were all screwed up, you could see why they were screwed up, and I really enjoyed it as they attempted to reconnect as a family. I loved seeing all these adults moving back in with mom and dad. "Why does he get to move in? I want to move in, too." And the father and son jumpsuits? That killed me. I loved all the little touches in this movie. The paintings on the wall in Eli's apartment. The inexplicable stabbings. "That's the last time you stab me!" The film is incredibly sad in places, funny in other places, and quirky throughout. It's like seeing J.D. Salinger on the screen. Brilliant stuff. 548 The Seventh Seal (1957) 549 Revenge of the Nerds (1984) 550 Spriggan (1998) Cool anime, this was produced by the guy who did Akira. Animation is phenomenal, particularly the fight sequences. It's interesting, this is probably the most anti-American film I've seen in a long time. We're the bad guys in this one, trying to rule the world. Us. You and me. Well, the Pentagon. I thought maybe this was an anti-Bush tirade, except the movie was released in 1998. Which would make it an anti-Clinton tirade?!? Anyway, once you get over our country being the bad guys ("Go cyborgs! Kill the Spriggan! USA! USA!"), it's a cool movie. I particularly enjoyed the Spriggan hero from France, who fought bravely against the evil Americans. They should have called him "Chirac," that would have been even funnier. 551 King Kong (1933) 552 Taxi Driver (1976) 553 Red River (1948) Very good movie. I was surprised at how dark it was. John Wayne is a terrific bad guy. In The Searchers, Wayne plays a convincing racist. Well, Red River is his fascist movie. It's a fascinating picture. Early in the movie we see that Wayne's character has zero respect for property rights (at least the property rights of other people). Wayne rides up to a bunch of land, likes it, and decides to claim about 500 acres or so. Several Mexicans ride up and say, "Senior, this land belongs to Mr. Rodriguez. He has a legal claim that he has filed." Wayne kills the Mexicans, kills some more Mexicans, and he is a wealthy landowner. And that's in the first fifteen minutes. So, if there are any Marxists out there, you might enjoy this over-the-top illustration of how land is acquired in a capitalist society. You steal it. Some have argued that Wayne's character is racist, and imply that he wouldn't have done what he did if the Mexicans had been white Americans. Possibly. However, five minutes after we see the graves of all the dead Mexicans, we see Wayne stealing cattle from white Americans. (And ready to kill the other ranchers if they make too much of a fuss). The fascism gets uglier as Wayne's business prospects sour. He decides to go on a massive cattle drive, because demand is higher up north. And Wayne turns into the boss from hell. Try to quit. Just try. Wayne becomes completely obsessed, like Ahab going after his whale. It's a scary and wonderful performance. What is so frightening (and realistic, in my opinion) is that Wayne's character has no idea that he is a bad guy. Even as everybody turns against him, and Wayne is shooting innocent people, he will say things like, "we'll have a Christian burial in the morning, read some passages from the Bible." The delusional hypocrisy is stunning. Wayne violates Commandment after Commandment, but still thinks of himself as a good Christian. 554 They Drive By Night (1940) 555 Irma Vep (1996) This is a fun movie. French film starring Maggie Cheung, who doesn't speak French. So part of the movie is in French with subtitles, and part of the film is in English. It's a film about the process of making a film. Maggie Cheung plays herself, the actress who is hired to star in a new French film. Jean-Pierre Leaud plays the director, and his English is pretty horrible. I had trouble understanding him. But so did Maggie Cheung, so it didn't really matter. One of the funny bits is when Leaud says in French (with subtitles) "I don't think she understands me." The movie they are filming is a remake of the Louis Feuillade 1915 film, Les Vampires, which is an actual movie. Leaud wants to make the movie because he has this fantasy of seeing Maggie Cheung in a catsuit. And boy oh boy oh boy, does she look good in it. Irma Vep seems completely realistic, unscripted and natural. The filmmakers have a lot of fun taking shots at both American films ("too commercial") and French film ("pretentious and boring"). And while this film doesn't have much of a narrative (except for a romantic subplot), it's still a lot of fun watching the behind-the-scenes shenanigans play out as these people try to make an art movie. And the cinematography is amazing, some really cool shots. 556 The Man Who Knew Too Much 557 Birth (2005) Nicole Kidman is amazing in this film. She owns the screen. I don't know if this is a permanent step up for her, but if it is, she's in a class by herself. That she didn't even get nominated for an Oscar is insane. I think the reason Kidman is so good, and she didn't receive any credit for it, is one and the same. She's really pushing herself here, doing something audacious and challenging, and Oscar ain't gonna touch it with a 10-foot pole. The movie is about a 10-year-old boy who is convinced that he is married to Kidman. He says he's the reincarnation of her dead husband. So this 10-year-old boy pursues Kidman. She's amused, and then she's completely freaked out when she starts to believe him. The boy knows things about her, things that only her husband could know. Kidman has never gotten over her love for her husband. She's never given up on him. And now, he's back, and he's a 10-year-old-boy. That's an original and striking premise, and Kidman runs with it. What makes the movie remarkable, and powerful, is idea of a love so strong that you are willing to violate a taboo. Kidman's love is so powerful that she is willing to believe something that cannot possibly be true. That her dead husband is alive, and he's a 10-year-old boy. Audacious film, shocking and brilliant. 558 Day for Night (1973) 559 Ride the High Country (1962) 560 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) 561 Who Killed Bambi? Awesome atmosphere here, as a woman named Bambi becomes a nurse, and she suspects a doctor of being a murderer. Or does she love him? She's not quite sure. (Hey, she's French). 562 The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension (1984) So horribly bad, so incredibly good, it's beyond camp, achieving a superstardom of suck that is a pleasure to watch. Ridiculously sublime, moronically brilliant, hilariously stupid. Damn I love this awful awful masterpiece. And forget the bad movie that you make fun of, that ain't what this is. You can't make fun of this movie. You can't mock it. It's unmockable. It's beyond mock. It's beyond everything. sample dialog: "Hey, hey, hey. Don't be mean. We don't have to be mean because, remember, no matter where you go, there you are." "They're only monkey-boys. We can crush them here on earth, Lord Whorfin." "Take her to the Pitt! Go, Big-booty. Use more honey! Find out what she knows." "The man's been through solid matter, for crying out loud. Who knows what's happened to his brain? Maybe it's scrambled his molecules! All I'm saying is, Mr. President, let's not panic." "Evil! Pure and simple from the eighth dimension!" "Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife. Doomed is your soul and damned is your life." "Shut up, Big-booty, you coward! You are the weakest individual I ever know!" "You're like Jerry Lewis, you give me hope to carry on, then you leave me in the lurch while you strap on your six-guns..." "You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may be normal variation, when it comes right down to it, this far inside the head it all looks the same. No, no, no, don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to." "Buckaroo, I don't know what to say. Lectroids? Planet 10? Nuclear extortion? A girl named John?" 563 Anatomy of a Murder (1959) 564 The Rocketeer (1991) 565 Song of the Thin Man 566 Mad Dog and Glory (1993) 567 When Harry Met Sally... (1989) 568 Team America: World Police (2004) 569 Death on the Nile (1978) 570 Columbo episode -- "Now You See Him..." (1976) Jack Cassidy plays a magician who manages to kill while he's locked in a box that's in the middle of the water tank. Columbo has to figure out the magic trick and solve the murder. A good one. 571 True Lies (1994) 572 Hangin’ With the Homeboys (1991) 573 any random episode of Nero Wolfe 574 The Black Cat (1934) Very weird and cool flick with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi. Can't beat this description from IMDB: "American honeymooners in Hungary are trapped in the home of a Satan-worshiping priest when the bride is taken there for medical help following a road accident." Set design is amazing, great mood. Took me a while to figure out who was supposed to be the bad guy, Bela or Boris. They're both kinda creepy. 575 Columbo episode -- "Etude in Black" (1972) John Cassavettes and Peter Falk were good friends, and Falk acted in several of his movies. Cassavettes returns the favor and plays a murdering symphony conductor. Maestro! 576 Annie Hall (1977) 577 To Sir, With Love (1966) 578 The Prestige (2006) 579 Miss Congeniality (2000) 580 That Uncertain Feeling (1941) 581 Midnight (1939) Billy Wilder wrote this, directed by Mitchell Leisen. Wilder got so irritated at Leisen's "butchering" of his scripts that he decided he needed to direct his own stuff. I think this one is pretty good, though. I wonder how Leisen screwed it up? 582 Heaven Can Wait (1978) 583 The Thirteenth Floor (1999) 584 Weird Science (1985) 585 A Patch of Blue (1965) 586 Batman episode -- "The Purr-Fect Crime" The Batman TV show is campy cool. Bam! Pow! Whap! But towering over all the Batman episodes is this one, which has Catwoman in it. "Same Cat-time. Same Cat-channel." Now, I got strong feelings about Catwoman. For instance, take the movie, Catwoman. It's wrong! It's wrong, wrong, wrong. Oh my God, Halle Berry is an awful Catwoman. Her costume is ridiculous. It's like she's in a weird bikini. You gonna rob a bank in that? It's Catwoman at the Beach. And beach makes me think sand, which makes me think cat in a sandbox. Which is about the least sexy image I can have in my mind. And I like Halle Berry. She's a hot woman. She's Jade. She's Storm. But she's not Catwoman. And it's not just the costume. She's playing Catwoman as a hero. What? What? Oh my God they declawed Catwoman. She's a frickin Ewok now, with milk and cream. No. No. I didn't even see the movie and I hate it. I hate the trailer, I hate the poster, I hate the sacrilege and I hate the corruption. Yeah, that's right. Boycott, bitchez. Almost as bad is Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman. Her Catwoman is kinda hostile and feminist. Like she has issues. And while it's true Catwoman has issues--I mean, she's wearing a cat suit in public--Catwoman has sexy cool issues, not angry feminist issues. Also, I want to blot all the make-up off her face. Way too much lipstick and eye shadow and rouge. And I had problems with the costume again. It's shiny. Too shiny. Some kinda black latex rubber. No, no. Black leather, not rubber. Who wears rubber in public? But mostly it was the feminism that was the buzzkill for me. It was like Catwoman in an Unhappy Porno. With feminist cue cards and repressed sexuality. Where's the kitten? You got to play the kitten. Eartha Kitt. Now we're getting to it. She's got the "rowr" down pat. Nobody can roll an R like Eartha Kitt. She's got the voice. She's got the moves. Now that's a sexy Catwoman. See? I'm not too demanding. Just get it right, that's all. It's not rocket science. It's Catwoman. These Oscar winners are digging too deep. Listen to your body. Find your inner pussycat. With claws! The only problem with Eartha Kitt is that she's not Julie Newmar. Julie Newmar! Oh. My. God. "The Purr-Fect Crime" is all Julie Newmar. She is purring on all cylinders. Julie Newmar is Catwoman personified. Catified. At the end of the episode, she and the Batman get it on. There's a struggle, and Batman wins. And they kiss. Now that's what I'm talking about. Man and woman. Bat and cat. And right after the kiss, he sends her to prison. Wow. I don't know if I could send Julie Newmar to prison. I guess this is why I'm not Batman. I'd kiss her, and then I'd kiss her again. And then I'd kiss her a few more times. And then I'd tell her my secret identity and show her my Bat-Cave and give her a ride on my Bat-Cycle. And then I'd be like, "hey, let's rob a bank." 587 Ed Wood (1994) 588 Murder on the Orient Express (1974) 589 A Shot in the Dark (1964) 590 Columbo episode -- "A Stitch in Crime" (1973) Arguably the coolest murder technique in any Columbo movie. The bad guy is Spock himself, Leonard Nimoy, playing a doctor who murders in the operating room. A classic. 591 Jonny Quest episode -- "Arctic Splashdown" (1964) 592 Rumble in the Bronx 593 The Aviator (2004) The film frickin soars. It's easily Scorsese's most uplifting work, not just a fascinating character study but also a movie about a hero doing heroic things. You watch this movie and it makes you want to go out there and accomplish things with your own life, to overcome whatever obstacles life throws at you. And yet Scorsese accomplishes this without resorting to romantizing his protagonist. We see Hughes with all his warts, with his mental illness, his obsessiveness and his paranoia. But we also see the brave, heroic Hughes as well, the guy who followed his dreams and took huge risks, sometimes crashing and other times soaring. I don't think it's stretching things too much to conclude that Scorsese sees a lot of himself in Hughes--the obsessions, the womanizing, the desire to be a filmmaking giant, the crazy risk-taking. And Scorsese's love is obvious on the screen. Every shot is beautiful, some absolutely astounding. He faithfully recreates the 30's and 40's in Hollywood. He puts in so many wonderful details, it's like going through a time warp. Hell, he makes a movie about a guy overcoming his handicap. How many of these Hollywood handicap movies have you seen, and are you as sick of them as I am? And yet Scorsese gives the genre new bite by not romanticizing the illness. He refuses to make it pretty. In fact you won't be surprised to hear that Scorsese emphasizes the appalling. So yes, we get the shot of multiple urine-filled milk bottles. And you know what? It's beautiful. The whole movie is gorgeous. And funny! I was laughing out loud more than once. Scorsese is not what you would call a laugh riot, but this is his funniest, loosest picture, with lots of wit and panache. Brilliant acting, a terrific script. Wonderful music and cinematography. It's maybe ten or fifteen minutes too long, but I can forgive that because of all the brilliant bits. I swear, right after seeing it, I wanted to see it again. When we talk about Hughes today, we talk about his obsessions, his compulsions. We talk about him being a madman. The crazy monster with the long-ass fingernails. But, as Scorsese's film makes clear, it was his obsession and his passion that made Howard Hughes go out and do amazing things. We mock and belittle Howard Hughes because we want to justify our vanilla, risk-free, tranquilized and safe existence. But if you want to do something amazing and cool, you got to get out of balance. You got to care deeply and obsess about getting it right. So no pills, people. OCD! OCD! 594 Monkey Business (1952) 595 Seinfeld episode -- "The Note" (1991) I think this is the one where George got a massage from a man and It Moved. And I think also Kramer saw Joe DiMaggio in this one, but nobody believed him. And Kramer's smacking on that counter top, trying to distract Joe from drinking his coffee, and Joe didn't even bother to look up because his focus is so awesome. 596 That Darn Cat (1965) 597 The Perfect You (2002) Jenny McCarthy made her break by posing nude for Playboy, and then did some sort of game show for MTV, I can't remember what. And she did some sketch comedy called The Jenny McCarthy Show, which was pretty bad. Mostly she seemed like a dumb, obnoxious blonde. She recently made a rom-com with Chris Eigeman, called The Perfect You. Eigeman usually acts in these smart indy movies for Whit Stillman and Noah Baumbach, movies like Metropolitan and Barcelona and Mr. Jealousy, movies that are both funny and intelligent. So I had to see this movie. It's damn good. And Jenny McCarthy is a revelation. She's a completely uninhibited comic who's willing to make fun of herself. You generally don't get that in a beautiful woman, so McCarthy is kind of refreshing. She's very down-to-earth as an actress. Her performance is completely relaxed and genuine. It's her first adult role, and she nails it. Not only creating a realistic woman--who reminds me of several women I've known--but also touching on topics such as narcissism and loneliness. It's an overtly sexual performance, truthful and funny. The film has an unusual style--the actors often confide to the camera, as if the camera is a good friend. Eigeman is completely honest and open. McCarthy's character, on the other hand, often lies to the camera, building up an image of herself as a smart, successful career woman, who's always making the right choices. And much of the humor comes about as McCarthy is constantly mortified by her own flaws and needs. Accidentally unpacking a dildo. "Uh, this was a gag gift." It's a fascinating performance. Most female actors who are overtly sexual are playing to a male fantasy. McCarthy comes across as someone who is overtly sexual for her own sake. And she frequently deconstructs any image she could have as a sex goddess, by her willingness to appear silly and to make people laugh. 598 Columbo episode -- "Negative Reaction" Dick Van Dyke is the killer here, and he’s terrific as a famous photographer. 599 Lies and Alibis 600 What’s Up Tiger Lily? (1966) Woody Allen's first movie. It's quite funny. He takes a bad Japanese film and dubs it flawlessly into English, turning it into a whole different movie. Aside from Sleeper, I'm not a fan of a lot of Allen's early stuff, but this one is pretty brilliant. It’s a cinematic tour-de-force, like Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. I’m blown away by his ability to write a screenplay that coincides, more or less, with the lip movements of the Japanese actors. And the story is (almost) coherent, and when it's incoherent, Woody Allen appears on screen and assures us that he doesn't care. It's damn funny and cool. This is why Woody Allen has a career, this movie right here. 601 Death at a Funeral 602 Get Smart 603 Columbo episode -- "Death Lends a Hand" Some villains are so good they come back again and again. One of my favorites is Robert Culp. Here he plays a security consultant and blackmailer. 604 Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century 605 The Scarlet Claw 606 Point Blank (1967) Lee Marvin rocks and this is his best movie. "I just want my money." 607 Scorchers (1991) 608 Running Out of Time An action movie from rom-com master Johnny To. The lead, Ching Wan Lau, is an amazing comic lead, with the funniest eyebrows. Just love to watch that guy. This is a cop movie, but with lots of humor. Sort of like Stakeout. Definitely a good rental if you like that sort of thing. 609 Seinfeld episode -- "The Limo" (1992) This is the one where Jerry and George got a limo ride and it turned out they were in a limo with Nazis. And George kinda had a thing for that blonde Nazi. And then he was on TV as a member of the Nazi party. Too funny. 610 Ronin (1998) 611 Winchester ‘73 (1950) 612 Elevator to the Gallows (1958) Louis Malle's coolest picture, in my opinion, is this one, his first, released before any of the French New Wave flicks. It's got fantastic black and white cinematography and an amazing jazz score. Both New Wave fans and Hitchcockians should check this movie out. 613 Kansas City Confidential 614 War Games (1982) 615 Night of the Hunter (1955) 616 The Godfather (1972) Coppola's movie fascinates because it romanticizes a bunch of scumbags (i.e. the Mafia). So the characters are more likable than, say, the people in Goodfellas. Coppola is careful to make sure that anybody who dies in the movie is evil in some way. It suggests in a subconscious way that maybe they deserve to die. Contrast The Untouchables, where De Palma has the Mafia blow up an innocent little girl early in the movie. We won't have any dead innocents in this movie. And Coppola is equally careful to make the Corleone family "good". So he makes Don Corleone a man of honor, a family man. He's dignified and courtly. He's somebody who wouldn't dream of dealing drugs to innocent people. And of course Michael is a war hero, a brave man who doesn't want to be a criminal. And his family doesn't want him to be a criminal. Poor, poor Michael. On an emotional level, it works brilliantly. We feel sorry for Don Corleone when his son is shot. "Look what they did to my boy." Coppola has us liking his gangster protagonist and his family. We're pulling for them to win. We're on their side, emotionally. To do this, Coppola has to commit an intellectual cheat. He blurs the distinction between criminals and non-criminals. The evil the family does is whitewashed. He has to do this in order to make the Mafia likable. If the Godfather blows up an innocent little girl, oops, our romantic opera is over. So the bad side of crime--the effect on innocent people--is downplayed. Maybe these gangsters kill, but only other gangsters, and other bad people who deserve it. Emotionally, the movie is satisfying. I enjoy watching it. It’s a fantasy, and I admire the artistic craft of it. And I like the size of it, it's epic nature. It’s an opera in every sense of the word. Intellectually, though, The Godfather is obnoxious, silly, even kind of repugnant. The movie not only attempts to humanize the Mafia, it implies the rest of our society is corrupt and evil. Cops, judges, and reporters are all corrupt, available to the highest bidder. The movie argues our Senators and Presidents are just like mob bosses. This seems like a hip and cool idea, until we reflect on "Bugsy" Lincoln or "Scarface" Roosevelt. Then it seems idiotic, like the hip posturing of some moron kid who's got a photograph of Mao hanging up in his production office. So yeah, it's a fun crime story. But as a message movie? It's kind of retarded. 617 Modern Times (1936) You can see this movie as Chaplin's criticism of sound, and what it was doing to his art. Yes, technology is nice and improves our lives, but what is lost? Here, of course, Chaplin is swimming against the tide. Sound is here, there is no stopping it. It's useless to try. Chaplin's Tramp gets sucked into the machinery. He emerges, battered and beaten, but alive. Nonetheless, he retires, and Chaplin would soon join the rest of the speaking world. 618 It's Always Fair Weather Gene Kelly again. What impresses about Kelly is how nice his persona is. He's nice without being weak or ineffectual or wimpy. He's nice without being boring. He's nice without a hint of dark side. You don't get a sense that Gene Kelly is repressing anything. No monsters in his closet. Jimmy Stewart, another guy who's usually playing good guys, and does it well, has a dark side. There's a bit of tension in Jimmy Stewart, he'll stutter and try to keep it together. Or Cary Grant in Bringing Up Baby. He's nice, and the tension of being nice, of not smacking this damn crazy woman who's stalking him and ruining his life, that's the humor. Cary Grant in most of his movies isn't so nice. He's worldly. John Wayne, there's no tension in John Wayne. John Wayne is John Wayne. Well, he's tense in Red River and The Searchers. But the John Wayne persona is similar to what Gene Kelly has done. He's created a public face, this is who I am, and you believe it. But no one would call John Wayne "nice". Wayne is the face of a man who is going to war. He's not an anti-hero, he's not (usually) dark. He's a hero going to war, and he's serious. Gene Kelly is the face of a man who's happy, who's following his heart. Even when he's in the Navy, and Gene Kelly is often in the Navy, "damn, I'm in the Navy again," Gene Kelly is a happy guy. If you look at Gene Kelly's art, you see a progression. He's a bit of a wolf in Take Me Out To the Ball Game, that's about as bad as Gene Kelly can go. Bad Gene Kelly is like me on a good day. In An American in Paris, he's a starving artist, he's poor and happy. He's following his heart. On The Town, he's playful, looking for his woman. Singin' in the Rain, he's serious, he's ready for marriage. And now we are at It's Always Fair Weather. This movie, Gene Kelly is depressed. He's disillusioned. He's not happy. More importantly, his spirit, his energy levels are down. You can see it on the screen. It's a film about disillusion. Oh, there are still some amazing dance sequences. The roller skates. The trash can lids on his feet. But the vibe of this movie is tired. It's a film about middle-age. The actor, Gene Kelly, has always been in his 30's or 40's in his public art. You can tell in his close-ups. But he's never played middle-age before. He's always played young guys, eager guys, happy and fun guys with a lot of energy. This is a film about the downside. "I went out into the world, and I got my ass kicked." What's interesting about this, is that Stanley Donen was leaving Gene Kelly and his musicals. He wasn't going to work with him anymore. Donen would go on to make great works of art (Bedazzled, Two For the Road, Charade). Kelly would flounder and disappear. Maybe he knew this would happen. Maybe he felt it. His art seems to be reflecting his life. His movie is depressed, disappointed, and disillusioned. Singin' in the Rain makes me cry, in the same way a wedding might make a woman cry. You're crying because you're comparing your life to this happy ideal. It's Always Fair Weather doesn't make me cry. It's not a sob movie. But it is a sad, depressing film. "Oh, man. Look what happened to Gene Kelly." 619 Le Trou (1960) 620 Kicking and Screaming (1995) 621 The Browning Version (1951) Incredibly moving and sad movie about a professor and his students. It's about as far from Dead Poets Society or Goodbye Mr. Chips as you can get. This is not a movie about a good teacher who inspires you. This is a movie about a bad teacher, one whom you make fun of, and then forget. It's about failing, and quitting. It's a film about giving up on your dreams, detaching yourself from your emotions, making zero connections with anyone. It's almost a horror story about repression and isolation. Brilliant, painful and brilliant. (There are two versions of this movie, I haven't seen the remake, but the first one is wonderful). 622 Decalog: Six (1988) This is another great one. Similar in theme to Rear Window or Peeping Tom. Young virgin boy spies on his hot neighbor across the street with a telescope. She's getting it on with a variety of men. He's pretty obsessed, and he wants to get closer and closer to her. Spying is a common theme in Kieslowski's works. We see it here, in Three Colors: Red, and again in Decalogue: Nine. It's interesting that in the three movies, the degree of guilt that is associated with the spy depends upon his age. Here, because the character's an innocent virgin boy, Kieslowski lets him off the hook. But in the other films, as the characters age and have more knowledge, they realize they are doing something wrong. 623 A Soldier’s Story (1984) 624 Life is Beautiful (1997) 625 Champagne For Caesar 626 Real Life (1979) Hysterical. Albert Brooks' funniest movie, hands down. He made this movie 20 years too soon. If it were released today, with all the "reality" on the tube, this movie probably would be nominated for Oscars. It's brilliant and subversive and funny as hell. Basically, Brooks and his film crew follow Charles Grodin and his family around. "Keep it real. Keep it real. Gotta be real." I was in stitches. If you hate reality programming you have to see this. 627 THX 1138 (1971) All you Lucas haters need to see this movie again, which just came out on DVD. Way cool. Lucas was just a kid when he made it, and it's frickin brilliant. Compare it to Godard's sci-fi film, Alphaville, and you'd have to say the American film is cooler, both in terms of story and visuals. Lucas blows Godard away! It's also fascinating because this is Lucas' "art" film, one in which he doesn't feed the audience. In fact the film can be somewhat confusing to first-time viewers. Lucas has several ideas he's trying to communicate, about commerce and communism and philosophy. His vision isn't always clear--it helps a lot to listen to his commentary--but you have to see this movie anyway just to experience some completely amazing images, ideas, and sounds. 628 2 Days in the Valley (1996) 629 Two For the Road 630 Dr. No (1963) 631 Harper (1966) 632 Rope (1948) 633 One False Move (1992) 634 Jonny Questepisode -- "Mystery of the Lizard Men" (1964) 635 Finders Keepers 636 Cube 2: Hypercube (2002) The first one is a cult classic, while the sequel is despised, if IMDB is any indication. This is really interesting, because I think the first one sucks beans and the second one is awesome. The premise of both movies is that a group of people wake up in a giant rubik's cube, and they move from room to room, trying to get out of the thing. The first movie tries to be "logical". So you have a lot of math and discussion of prime numbers and Cartesian whathaveyou. Which, I think, accounts for the nerd love, but doesn't make the movie any more entertaining for the rest of us. Logic? Logic? It's a movie about a giant &=+#)@! cube. Wake up, Spock. The second one gets rid of the math, adds some pretty girls, has way cooler set design, better acting, neato special effects and truly awesome shot selection. The director of this movie could write a thesis on where to put a camera, I kid you not. The movie makes no &(+$)@ sense whatsoever, but at least it's entertaining, and beautiful to watch. Plus, once the filmmakers abandon the so-called logic of the cube--which, in a movie about a giant cube, is the only rational thing to do--the movie is a lot more fun, because you never know what the hell's on the other side of that door. "Hey! I'm on the other side of the door!" 637 Evil Under the Sun (1982) 638 The Jungle Book (1967) 639 Ordinary People (1980) 640 I Walked With a Zombie (1943) 641 Crash (2005) 642 It’s a Gift (1934) 643 To Be or Not To Be (1942) 644 Hands Off the Loot Neat little French gangster flick from the 1950's. This movie came out in 1954, one year before Bob Le Flambeur and Rififi. This movie probably started the French gangster movie trend, which in turn inspired the French New Wave of Godard and Truffaut. My own opinion, French gangster films from the 1950's are cool. On the other hand, the French gangster movie gets incredibly pretentious in the 1960's--I'm talking to you Melville--so you want to avoid those. This movie has Jean Gabin, who is a lot better here than in Grand Illusion. Gabin has a terrific presence and just owns the screen. It's kind of interesting, American gangster movies kind of disappeared in the 1950's, so I guess the French figured they ought to start making their own. The director, Jacques Becker, goes on to do one of the coolest prison escape movies ever, called Le Trou. 645 Duck Amuck 646 Murder By Decree (1979) 647 Nights of Cabiria (1957) 648 I Heart Huckabee’s (2004) Another awesome movie from David O. He's 4-for-4, in my book. But it's not a film for everybody. It's a hard movie to describe, a sort of existential screwball movie. If you like philosophy or theology or what-does-it-all-mean, you might dig it. Or if you like Dumb and Dumber. It's like a smart person version of Dumb and Dumber. Smart and Smarter? Anyway, these guys are so smart that they go around the bend into stupidity. "Oh, I'm hitting myself on the head and I'm so into the moment of hitting myself on the head that I've forgotten all of my angst and it's beautiful. Can I just continue hitting myself on the head forever? Please?" The movie doesn't really work on an emotional level, and will probably leave a lot of viewers cold. But it's a very smart movie, one of the more intellectually engaging films of the year. And damned funny, I thought. 649 The Searchers (1956) Many people consider The Searchers, Ford's first movie about race, to be his masterpiece. The Sight and Sound people usually rank it in the top 10 movies ever made. Probably because it is Ford's darkest work, and some people always give extra props for going dark. Being kind of a dark guy myself, I prefer a lighter touch. Ford tries to lighten The Searchers with some comedy but it seems kind of inappropriate, like he's injecting humor into it because he recognizes how dark it is, and he doesn't like it. The Searchers is a film about racism, and about a man's fears that a girl is going to be raped. Not just raped but defiled, made dirty. She's going to go Indian and so it's necessary to kill her to save her white soul. So, dark, yes, but also in my opinion a little melodramtic. Interesting film but there are a half dozen Ford films I think are superior. 650 The Conversation (1974) 651 The Wild Bunch (1969) 652 Hillbilly Hare 653 The Invisible Man (1933) 654 Remains of the Day (1993) James Ivory tends to specialize in historical period movies, usually "literary" films with a high tone. Masterpiece Theater stuff. All of his movies have the same feel to them. I'm not really partial to that sort of film, and yet I believe The Remains of the Day is a truly great movie, with maybe the best performance I've seen from Anthony Hopkins. It's a wonderful mediation on how easy it is to float through life without participating in it. Is there a more chilling line than (I paraphrase) "I'm sorry, sir. I'm afraid I was focusing on the silverware." 655 The Mission (1986) I don't know how I missed this Robert De Niro movie when it was released. We're in 18th century South American jungle. Jeremy Irons plays a missionary who is trying to convert the native tribes; De Niro plays a slave trader who is trying to capture them. One day De Niro shows up at Irons' door; he is emotionally devasted, a wreck of a man. Irons assigns him penance to atone for his sins. This is one of my favorite jungle movies. Much superior to Fitzcarraldo, made a few years earlier. The cinematography in The Mission is absolutely stunning. The film opens with an amazing shot of a priest tied to a crucifix, and put in the river. We see the man (stunt man? I couldn't tell who it was) drift down the river, bumping into rocks, and then go over a huge waterfall. Absolutely breathtaking. And then the credits start. I was fascinated by De Niro's character, his absolute need to be punished for his sins in order to atone. A very Catholic movie, highly involving and interesting. The performances of De Niro and Irons are both kind of muted. Often during the movie they say little, but convey huge emotions with their eyes and their body language. And I can't say enough about the cinematography. Gorgeous. 656 Adrenaline Drive (1999) If you liked Romancing the Stone, you'll get a huge kick out of this. A rental car agent and a nurse accidentally stumble across millions of yen that belong to the Japanese mob. And the mob want it back. Funny, quick-paced, highly entertaining. 657 What Women Want (2000) I like the smug masculinity of the leading man, Mel Gibson. He goes beyond confidence into obnoxiousness. And yet, his character is still likable. I loved his dance sequence. I love all the Sinatra songs in the movie. Any movie with Sinatra gets bonus points. So that carried me through the first act. After creating this alpha male character, Nancy Meyers emasculates him throughout the rest of the movie. He has to sell girl products. He has to try on the girl products. And then, when he's struck by lightning, all of a sudden the thoughts of an army of women start invading his brain. He has become a receptacle for all sorts of crap from women who don’t even know that they are offending him. Gibson is now uber-sensitive, and he recoils at all the rude and mean opinions of the opposite sex. One of the themes of the film is that women repress their hidden desires, their id, in order to be nice. Men are confident and aggressive because women are nice and passive. The movie then flips this around. All of a sudden Gibson is invaded by all these aggressive, often hostile, thoughts from women. He doesn't ask for it, and he can't control it. When Gibson is confronted with this torrent of aggression and hostility, it floors him. It’s very funny. It's sort of like James Bond hearing what Miss Moneypenny really thinks, and becomes aware of her secret hostility to 007. "What an ass he is!" So this new knowledge--that none of the women he knows actually like him--humbles him. His illusions are shattered. When Gibson starts putting the moves on Marisa Tomei, all of her secret criticisms of his lovemaking come flooding into his brain. Her thoughts are brutal, negative, mean. She’s mocking his penis. He has to flee to the bathroom to regroup. But this criticism is good. He tries again, using different techniques. He figures out what pleases her. By the end of it, Marisa Tomei thinks, “Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Marshall is a sex god!” At the level of romantic comedy, the movie works. It's funny and happy and light. But it also subtly provokes us, and makes us think about our two sexes and how we relate to each other, and how we should relate. This film made me think about masculinity and femininity, and about boundaries and crossing them. I was thinking about aggression and receptivity, about openness and repression, about isolation and intimacy. It's a feminist movie that explores sex difference, and it does so with humor and affection. Well done. 658 Meshes of the Afternoon (1943) Avant garde artist Maya Deren makes a surreal film that is highly suggestive and engaging. It's evocative and mysterious. It's an art film, but unlike say Dali and Bunuel, she's not just throwing shocking images up on the wall. There's actually a narrative running through this work. It's chock full of ideas and humanity. Really a cool work. 659 Raising Arizona (1987) 660 Seinfeld episode -- "The Parking Garage" (1991) This is my favorite one about nothing. Stuck in that damn parking garage, looking for their car, worried about the goldfish that's going to die, and Jerry has to take a pee. 661 Samurai Fiction (1998) A samurai movie set to a rock and roll soundtrack. Funny, awesome, full of energy. An obvious influence on Tarantino when he was making Kill Bill. You stole some shots, Q. Caught ya. 662 Apacalypto (2006) 663 Robin Hood (1973) This is the animated Disney version. It's a tad slow in parts, but the voices are wonderful. Peter Ustinov plays one of the all-time great Disney villains, a thumb-sucking King John. And Terry-Thomas is terrific as Sir Hiss. This is actually my favorite of the three Robin Hood films I've seen. The songs are terrific. 664 a.k.a. Cassius Clay (1970) 665 Shock Corridor (1963) It's a fun and campy ride. A patient in an insane asylum is murdered. Nobody knows who did it. A reporter decides to infilitrate the asylum in order to solve the crime and win the Pulitzer. Working with a psychiatrist, he learns how to fake a mental illness. He gets his girlfriend, a stripper, to swear out a complaint against him, saying that she's his sister and he keeps trying to have sex with her. So he's in the asylum. And that's where he meets the real loonies. Hysterical. My two favorite parts: when the reporter accidentally stumbles into the women's block. "Nymphos!" he cries. They surround him, chanting "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean." And then they jump him. "Aiiiiieeee!" he cries. Also love the part where Hari Rhodes plays the white segregationist. I don't want to ruin the surprise, so I won't say any more than that about Rhodes' performance. Absolutely amazing. Riveting. Disturbing. Peter Breck is quite good as the reporter. The joking premise of the film is that if you hang around insane people enough, you will become insane yourself. Fuller shot this film in a couple of weeks, so I don't think he spent months and months researching mental illness. He's throwing words out there, but I don't think he knows what they mean. This story is more pulp fiction than Pulp Fiction. It's not believable in the least. But it's funny and raw, and Fuller has quite a lot to say about America in 1963. 666 Limelight 667 The Killers (1964) Cool B flick, one of Lee Marvin's best movies. You don't want to rent the original, it's overrated and lame. Rent the coolass remake, directed by Don Siegel. Angie Dickinson plays the double-triple-quadruple-crossing dame, and Ronald Reagan is scary cool as the bad guy misogynist. 668 Proof (1990) 669 Jonny Quest episode -- "The Monster in the Monastery" 670 Holiday (1938) Released the same year as Bringing Up Baby. Not nearly as screwball as Hawks' classic film, this is a slower, more romantic comedy wtih Grant and Hepburn. Grant is a free spirit, disdainful of wealth, and he's engaged to a rich socialite who's determined to improve him. Hepburn is the idealistic girl who likes him just the way he is. 671 Collateral (2004) This film is gorgeous. I could watch this film again and again just because it's so beautiful. I think a lot of this credit probably should go to Michael Mann, because his films often have this same stylish quality, regardless of which d.p. he uses. Here Mann uses two cinematographers, and flips between film and digital video to give the film a very cool look. I don't know if Mann is in love with L.A. or what, but he certainly has no trouble capturing a beauty in the city, particularly at night. This film is even prettier than Heat, although ultimately not quite as good. The script is conventional and predictable, particularly the ending. But it's a really stylish ride. 672 What’s Opera, Doc? 673 Die Hard (1988) 674 Klute (1971) 675 High Fidelity (2000) 676 Galaxy Quest (1999) 677 Speed (1994) 678 Three Days of the Condor (1975) 679 The Bride Wore Black (1968) 680 any random episode of Batman 681 OSS: Cairo, Nest of Spies 682 5 Fingers (1952) 683 Insomnia (1997) 684 My Favorite Blonde Bob Hope plays a stand-up comic who's partner is a penguin. But then Hope teams up with British spy Madeleine Carroll, straight out of The 39 Steps. All of a sudden you've got dead bodies and running around the country. Light, breezy fun. 685 Shall We Dance (1996) Not the frickin' movie with J-Lo and Richard Gere. I want to be clear on that. This is the Japanese original, about an uptight Japanese guy who takes dancing lessons. It's a beautiful flick. I have not seen the J-Lo and Richard Gere remake, but I'll rank it anyway. D+. You're welcome. 686 Ruggles of Red Gap (1935) 687 The March of the Penguins 688 Once Upon a Crime 689 All the President’s Men (1976) 690 Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog It's a little 45-minute musical Josh Whelan made during the writer's strike. Dougie Howser plays Dr. Horrible, a mad scientist who wants nothing more than acceptance in the Evil League of Evil, and also to win the heart of the girl of his dreams. He's possibly the most likable bad guy I've ever seen. Yes, he wants to rule the world, but only to fix it, because it's so screwed up. He has a negative, skewed-but-kinda-honest take on the world. Have you ever felt cranky and mean, like you are right and the world is wrong? Then sing along with Dr. Horrible. And boy you hate his arch-nemesis, who's all happy and good and simple-minded. "Corporate tool," says Dr. Horrible, and you know he's right. And of course Dr. Horrible is in love with this really nice girl who just wants to start a homeless shelter and bring compassion to the world. You see why he likes her. And he's shy around her, doesn't know what to say. And when he starts talking to her, he has to watch what he says. Cause, you know, he's Dr. Horrible. And then his nemesis starts seducing the girl of his dreams. "Oooooo, I hate my arch-nemesis." The songs are brilliant. Just brutally funny. It's a funny and cool little movie, and then by the end of it, with a shock, you realize you understand evil now. Wow. Well done, funny and well done. 691 Underworld 692 Beautiful Girls (1996) 693 The Verdict (1982) 694 Brazil 695 Das Experiment (2001) Oh man, this is cool. Kind of a sci-fi horror flick, except it's highly realistic, and set in the present day. A bunch of scientists are running an experiment. Twenty men volunteer for the experiment. After a battery of psychological tests, the scientists divide the volunteers into "guards" and "prisoners." The subjects who are selected as prisoners are kept in a high-tech prison, with 24-hour surveillance cameras, and glass doors on the cells. The prisoners wear white sheets instead of clothes. They are to be locked up for 14 days. The subjects selected as guards wear blue uniforms. Their job is to keep order in the prison. The basic rules... All the prisoners will be known by their numbers instead of their name. Prisoner guards will be referred to as "Prison Guard." No talking after lights out. All food given to prisoners will be eaten. Anybody who engages in violence will be kicked out of the experiment. Oh yeah, and the scientists are frickin' nuts. It's a neat little horror flick, working both on an intellectual level, and as a suspense drama. You know things are going to escalate between the prisoners and the guards--the frickin scientists want things to escalate--but the movie is still unpredictable. Highly involving story, and the acting is top-of-the-line. Cinematography is way cool. You can have fun arguing how plausible this scenario is. I personally think it's highly plausible. The guards dehumanize the prisoners, the prisoners dehumanize the guards, and the scientists dehumanize all the test subjects. And once you dehumanize people, you might do some really horrible things to them. Scary movie, and thought provoking. 696 Boundin’ (2004) 697 Om Shanti Om 698 The 49th Parallel (1941) 699 Our Man in Havana 700 Jacob’s Ladder (1990) 701 3 Men and a Baby (1987) 702 Star Trek VI (1991) 703 Bob Dylan: No Way Home 704 The Count of Monte Cristo (2002) 705 The Wanderers (1979) 706 Columbo episode -- "Try and Catch Me" Columbo goes up against a little old lady (Ruth Gordon) who writes murder mysteries and has plotted the perfect crime. 707 Get Shorty (1995) 708 The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1977) 709 The Dirty Dozen (1967) 710 In the Line of Fire (1993) 711 Old School (2003) 712 Stand By Me (1986) 713 The Ox-Bow Incident (1943) 714 Vampire’s Kiss (1989) Hysterical black comedy with Nicolas Cage as a preppie stock broker who is bitten by a woman he picks up at a nightclub. He is convinced he is turning into a vampire. He tries to avoid sunlight and wears fake vampire teeth. He tries to schedule midnight appointments with his psychiatrist and stalks his secretary. His descent into madness is dark, a little scary, and funny. 715 Blood Simple (1984) 716 Zoolander (2001) 717 Spanking the Monkey (1994) You don't want to watch this one with family members. Specifically, you don't want to watch it with your mom. It deals with, um, Oedipus issues. A very dark film, and yet very funny in places (they should call it, It's Hard To Spank The Monkey While Your Dog Is Whining At The Door). Not a date movie. Taboo, very taboo. Don't watch it with your mom. And you probably don't want to rent it if you think you might be nominated for the Supreme Court one day. It'll probably come up at your confirmation hearing. Did I mention not to watch it with your mom? 718 Air Force (1943) One of Howard Hawks' B movies, this is an out-and-out propaganda movie about fighting and winning World War II. Hawks is an underrated genius, in my book. Lucas ripped off a lot of his shots in Star Wars from this movie. Action sequences are really well done. 719 Hobson's Choice 720 Red Angel A brutal flick about World War II from the Japanese point of view. Sounds like Letters From Iwo Jima, right? Except that movie sucks and this one rocks. Sawing of limbs? Check. Nurse fondling? Check. Amputee sex? Check. Gang rape? Check. Suicide? Check. Cross-dressing? Check. Morphine addiction? Check. Cholera epidemic? Check. And enough war brutality to make you a pacifist for life. Wow. 721 A Christmas Carol 722 Ice Age (2002) They may be animations, but some of these cartoons are very fun for adults. And this is one of them, I think. The bad guys here--a pack of sabertooth tigers--want to take revenge on humans for killing them off. So they have a plan to kidnap and eat the chief's baby. So the sabertooth tigers are bad, but we understand their motivations and can even sympathize. The computer animation is top-of-the line. It's different from Pixar, which tends toward realistic. These filmmakers will sometimes stretch a face to get a laugh. Ray Romano is terrific as the Wooly Mammoth. At least I think he's a Wooly Mammoth. And Rusted Root is on the soundtrack! Is that cool or what? It's a kid's movie with adult themes--loss, extinction, loneliness, family. Mix in some laugh out loud slapstick and you have a terrific movie. 723 Snakes on a Plane (2006) 724 Overboard (1987) 725 Dear America: Letters Home From Vietnam (1987) 726 You Can’t Take It With You (1938) 727 My Left Eye Sees Ghosts (2002) It's sort of like that Michael J. Fox vehicle, The Frighteners. Johnny To has a very cool visual eye. I always love to see somebody using a fisheye lens. 728 Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle (2004) Hysterical. Raunchy and funny. Also a highly political movie, I think, with an interesting take on race. The protagonists in this film are Asian, the bad guys are white. In fact we're subject to a wide variety of white bad guys. Yuppie white bad guys, skinhead white bad guys, trailer trash Christian white bad guys. Maybe it's coincidece. Yet the movie did get me thinking about racial stereotypes. For example, Kal Penn, one of the leads, got his break playing "Taj Mahal Badalandabad" in Van Wilder. At the time, I wasn't offended by that character, but this movie made me think about that movie, and what a racial caricature he had to play. So this movie is definitely thought-provoking, in addition to being hilarious. 729 Star Trek VI (1986) VI rocks. My favorite line is when Kirk is fighting the alien who looks just like him. Kirk: "I can't believe I kissed you." Kirk two: "Must have been your lifelong ambition." And VI has got an interesting subtext about the cold war, with the Klingons playing the Soviets and Kirk playing a hard-liner who doesn't trust them. He's got some way harsh dialog here. Sample dialog, after the Klingons sent the SOS: Kirk: "They're animals." Spock: "Jim, there is an historic opportunity here." Kirk: "Don't believe them. Don't trust them." Spock: "They're dying." Kirk: "Let them die." Later the screenwriters swipe a line from a UN speech from the 1962 Cuban Missile crisis: "The record shows that Captain Kirk once held the rank of Admiral. And that Admiral Kirk was broken for taking matters into his own hands in defiance of regulations of the law. Do you deny being demoted for these charges? Don't wait for the translation! Answer me now." That's hysterical. And Spock has some of his funniest lines ever. Spock: "There's an old Vulcan proverb. Only Nixon can go to China." Spock: "What we require now is a feat of linguistic legerdemain and a degree of intrepidity." Spock: "If I were human I believe my response would be, 'go to hell.' If I were human." Kirk: "Spock, you want to know something? Everybody's human." Spock: "I find that remark...insulting." 730 The Sweet Hereafter (1997) Incredibly sad movie. It doesn't make you cry--at least, it didn't make me cry--but it just leaves you wiped out emotionally. It's a film about probably the saddest thing that can happen to a person. And the event happens not to one person, or two or three, but a whole town, all at once. Ian Holm is outstanding in the lead role, as the plaintiff's attorney who is seeking to capitalize on the tragedy. I don't believe I've seen a more realistic--or damning--portrayal of a plaintiff's attorney, or of our tort system, in a Hollywood film. Plaintiff attorneys in films usually come out looking pretty good. Erin Brockivich, The Rainmaker, A Civil Action, even The Verdict are all largely sympathetic to the idea of lawsuits, of suing when something goes terribly wrong with your life. This vision of the tort system is largely simplistic: "corporate baddie must pay." This film is not nearly as simplistic. It explores realistically the process of high stakes ambulance chasing--of showing up when tragedy strikes. The film is highly critical of the hyper-rational legal belief that blame can always be assessed. The film subtly, but unmistakably, suggests that blame is often beside the point. If you're like me, you might at this point start blaming the plaintiff's attorney. "Leave those suffering people alone!" But even the attorney--despite his wealth and his education and his professional status--is sympathetic. He internalizes a great deal of pain, and anger, and loss of his own. We begin to understand why he keeps questioning these people. It's not just about the money. He's trying to make sense of the tragedy, maybe trying to make sense of his own life at the same time. What fascinated me about the film was it's resistance to the legal system, to the division of the world into "us" vs. "them." Instead the film continually brought us back to what all these characters had, and what they lost. Ultimately, the film is a meditation on loss. Sometimes, bad things happen. For no reason. The film is utterly realistic and thought-provoking. And the film is so low key, it tells its story in such a quiet way, that the tragedy kind of washes over us in waves. There is no cheap emotion in this film, no hysterical people bawling or hugging each other. Its tone is matter of fact. It has to be that way, I think. Any other style would be too painful to watch.

B+ (310) 731 Our Hospitality (1923) 732 Jerry Maguire (1996) 733 Heathers (1989) 734 Cloverfield 735 House Sitter (1992) 736 The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1919) Freaky silent art film with nightmarish sets and weird make-up. It creeps me out, it really does. 737 The Lady From Shanghai (1947) What is the most interesting flawed masterpiece you have seen? I'd have to say Orson Welles' The Lady From Shanghai. It is the most amazing combination of brilliance and badness, high art and complete schlock. First, the bad parts. Surprisingly, Welles himself, as an actor. He does a bad Irish accent throughout the picture. I kept expecting him to say, "They're after me lucky charms." The narrative. Welles doesn't pay much attention to his plot. It's your basic film noir, but his characters veer from good to bad, from smart to stupid (and back to smart again). We're asked to suspend quite a lot of disbelief. The plotting is incomprehensible, really. The score. This was Welles' biggest complaint about the final film. It didn't bother me nearly as much as it bothered him, but he was a radio guy. Welles gave a two and a half hour rough cut to the studio, and then left to work on other projects. The studio cut an hour out of it for the final cut. Peter Bogdonavich does the commentary on the DVD, and he bemoans the loss of an hour. It's hard to say of course without seeing the footage, but I'm not sure another hour would address the flaws. Another hour of that frickin' Irish accent? Man. The brilliant parts. The cinematography. Absolutely brilliant. Personally, I think this is the best-looking Welles film I have seen. In particular the Fun House scene, and the House of Mirrors scene, are beautiful. Apparently some of this footage was cut out, and that is a loss. The reason the studio probably cut some of this footage out, I think, is the scene makes no narrative sense. If you ask yourself the question, "Well, why are they in a Fun House?" you can't answer it. I'm not sure Welles cares. He just wants to film in a Fun House. He wants to shoot in a House of Mirrors. Welles has a ton of interesting camera angles. He does wonderful things with a camera, and this film showcases some of his best work. You could look at this film all day. Other highlights. The dialog. Campy and fun. The acting (aside from Welles) is over the top and fun. Rita Hayworth is blonde in this one and looks great, in a icy cool sort of way. If you ignore the narrative and focus on how the film looks, it's really brilliant. 738 Young Mr. Lincoln 739 The Avengers episode -- "A Sense of History" 740 any random episode of Psych 741 Braveheart (1995) 742 The Caine Mutiny (1954) 743 Atlantis (2001) 744 XXX 745 Force 10 From Navarone (1978) 746 The Band Wagon 747 United 93 (2006) 748 Muriel's Wedding Australian flick about an unattractive woman who just wants to get married. As far as I can tell she doesn't really want a man, especially. She just wants to wear the dress. She really, really wants to wear the dress. The movie opens with her getting arrested at a wedding (not her own) for stealing the dress that she's wearing. And then she proceeds to lie and steal her way to happiness. If you hate rom-coms you'll probably love this flick, as it's breathtaking and funny in its cynicism. On the downside, way, way, way too much Abba. Just an evil amount of Abba songs in this movie. What's really horrible about Abba of course is how catchy that damn music is. Catchy and evil. I could not get that %+! Fernando song out of my &%)+$&! head, two whole days I was whistling that %)+#! Abba. $&(+#! 749 Love at First Bite (1979) Dracula, in the disco era. Dude, that is too funny. George Hamilton is the best Count. He's perfect. "You don't even know me." "I know you like to have your leg licked." "Okay." 750 She’s Gotta Have It (1986) 751 Charlie Wilson's War I didn't want to see this movie. I figured it's, you know, political. A political flick is good if you can pull it off, engage my mind, surprise me. But usually it's awful. I feel manipulated with stupid, perhaps even dishonest arguments, and bored with weak narratives that are just empty shells disguising a rant about how evil the other party is. The big tip off is whether the filmmaker likes his bad guys or not. Do you like all the characters in Dr. Strangelove? Boy, I do. How can you not like Slim Pickens riding a bomb like a buckin' bronco on the way to nuclear annihilation? It's the definitive brilliant statement of the reckless cowboy, worth any ten rants about George W. Bush. Well, this movie's not quite up to Dr. Strangelove terrority (wouldn't expect it to be), but it's obvious the filmmakers like the people in their story. The characters are sharply drawn, flawed and fun, and it's a hoot watching them bounce off one another. I find it kinda refreshing that Hollywood makes a pro-CIA, anti-Communist, "let's fight a good war" comedy in 2007. The movie successfully avoids Bush derangement syndrome and Clinton hatred psychosis by making a deeply political movie that's not at all partisan. Pointed in places, incisive, almost patriotic and yet at the same time cynical. It's not beautiful art, but it is a surprising and an intelligent film, and I got a kick out of it. 752 The Small Back Room 753 Revenge of the Sith (2005) DarthVader is a master creation, one of the all-time great villains in art. He's the science-fiction version of a Nazi. He's pure evil. So how does this happen? Was he seduced? Was he scarred by some horror? This trilogy is all about the birth of Darth Vader. And of course Darth Vader is just a mask that Anakin Skywalker wears, a mask to hide his humanity. It's a mask of evil. Underneath his mask, he's a human being. He's got children. He's had sex with a woman, he's felt love. So why is he hiding his humanity? Why is he wearing a dark mask? What makes an ordinary human being a Darth Vader? It's an interesting idea for a movie. What makes Lucas great is that he thinks big. He thinks trilogy, or 9-part saga. What makes Lucas awful is that after Star Wars, there are no limitations placed on his art. What he needs is a mean ass studio executive to tell him he can't do things. "Just one movie, George. That's all you get." "But I got a trilogy! I need six hours at least to tell this story." "90 minutes. That's all you get." "Damn it. I guess that means I won't be able to show Darth Vader as a 9-year-old boy. Which is really important. See, he's 9-years-old, right, and--" "90 minutes, George." "Holy crap. Imagine all the things I'm going to have to leave out. I'll have to compress and reduce and eliminate. All my characters will have a backstory that I won't be able to show. I'll have to eliminate all the okay stuff, leaving only really cool stuff in a short, compact, 90-minute film." Anyway, in this movie, finally, after the prequels and the saga about the third grader and the death of a Jedi who's name I can never frickin' remember, finally, finally! We see the birth of Darth Vader. And it's cool. 754 Under the Volcano 755 Black Robe (1991) Infinitely superior to Dances With Wolves. A Christian missionary goes among the Indian tribes, seeking to find converts. Mystical and cool, you really get a sense of two cultures colliding. 756 Blue Streak (1999) 757 Naked Gun 758 Dagon (2001) Way cool. By the director who did The Re-Animator, Stuart Gordon. The acting of the two leads is pretty bad. I was groaning through the first ten minutes or so. But the movie really picks up with the spooky atmosphere and the rain and the completely awesome score. It's one of those fast-tempo horror movies, like Aliens or Dog Soldiers. Spooky as hell zombie people, moaning in Spanish or zombiespeak, not blinking. Blink damn it! Blink! Random comments I made to my television set: "What the hell was that?" "Oh no! He's going to peel your face off!" "Oh God! You're going to have to sleep with Octopus Woman! I'd rather have my face peeled off!" "You better hurry, he's going to impregnate your girlfriend! With the tentacle!" "Start the car! Start the car!" "Get out of the water! Get out of the water!" "Oh God, he's wearing a human face!" "Hit him with the toilet bowl! Hit him with the toilet bowl!" "You dropped your glasses in the toilet! Put 'em on! Put your glasses on right now!" "It's too late, she's got the demon seed in her!" Awesome cinematography and special effects. It's definitely a B movie, but it's a highly accomplished B movie, right up there with the best of Raimi or Carpenter. It's easily the best trapped-on-an-island-with-a-cult-of-zombies-who-want-you-to-mate-with-the-demon-god movie I've ever seen. 759 Romper Stomper (1992) 760 The Lavender Hill Mob (1951) 761 Playtime (1967) 762 Green For Danger (1947) Great English whodidit. The best whodidits tend to be based on Christie, Rene Clair's And Then There Were None being best of breed. This is not a Christie, nor a Doyle nor a Stout nor anybody else you've heard of. It's a neat mystery, though. 763 The Ugly Dachshund 764 Watch It (1993) 765 Escape From New York (1981) 766 Rebecca (1940) 767 Elizabethtown (2005) 768 The Road to El Dorado (2000) 769 Lifeboat (1944) 770 Jour de Fete (1949) 771 Back to the Future (1985) 772 Me and You and Everyone We Know (2005) 773 Gunga Din (1939) 774 Wages of Fear (1953) Really slow start. Horribly slow start. But once they get in the truck with all the explosives, man. It's bite your knuckles time. 775 Laura (1944) 776 The Kennel Club Murder Case 777 The Sea Hawk (1940) 778 Triumph of the Will (1936) Scary and provocative Nazi film directed by Leni Riefenstahl. The Nazis asked Fritz Lang to make propaganda films for the party. He skipped town instead. So the job was given to Riefenstahl. Her shots are pretty amazing, which makes for a really awkward and intense viewing experience. It's a beautiful film (which is upsetting) and a shocking film (actual Nazis, and lots of them). As a matter of cinematic art and a historical document, this is a fascinating film. It's an antagonistic experience. You're in a fight with a movie. Yet once you get over the shock of the film, once you get used to the swastikas and the Nazi salutes, and you realize you're not going to go Nazi just by watching the thing, you relax. And you become immune to it. And then you become bored. At a very basic level, it's a parade and a speech. As propaganda goes, this is really ineffective. Soviet propaganda is lame, too, but at least it attempts some sort of narrative to illustrate their ideas. The Nazis idea of a good movie is a parade and a speech. Sheesh. If you compare the historical record of these two propaganda styles, you see that Commies actually convince people--dumb people--to try Communism. Nazis have to invade everybody. Still, as a history lesson, as a reality check, as a reminder of evil, I think people should see this film at least once. And countries that make it a crime to watch it are stupid. 779 Kiss Me Goodbye (1982) 780 The Major and the Minor (1942) 781 Jonny Quest episode -- "The Q Missile Mystery" (1965) 782 Pleasantville (1998) 783 Army of Darkness (1993) 784 The Chocolate War (1988) Unusual and dark high school drama. Low budget but highly watchable. A kid refuses to sell his chocolates. Chaos ensues. Great soundtrack, including Peter Gabriel. 785 Dressed To Kill (1979) Brian De Palma is another guy who has made a career out of Hitchcock homages. Most of them kinda suck, I think, but this is a good flick. Really neat camerawork in the museum sequence. 786 Hi-Life (1998) 787 Three Kings (1999) 788 Rush Hour 2 789 Mystery Train (1989) 790 Carnival of Souls (1962) 791 Samantha (1992) 792 To Have and Have Not (1944) 793 Sahara (1943) 794 Charley Varrick (1973) This is the best Don Siegel movie, in my opinion. It's interesting because Matthau is kind of flabby and scared, and he really doesn't want to mess with the mob. On the other hand, he's not about to give the money back... 795 Shanghai Noon (2000) 796 Overnight Delivery 797 Hatari! 798 Vanilla Sky (2001) 799 Stop Making Sense (1984) 800 Charade (1963) You know who's a seriously underrated filmmaker? Stanley Donen. Co-directed the best musical ever made (Singin' in the Rain), and the second best musical ever made (On the Town). He also directed one of the funniest comedies ever made (Bedazzled) and two great Audrey Hepburn movies, Charade and Two for the Road. Cary Grant is a bit too old here (59) but it’s still a fun flick, a tongue-in-cheek version of a Hitchcock movie. It's very light. Almost too light, I would argue, the suspense elements are almost gone. But it’s playful and breezy, and holds up pretty well if you visit it again. 801 Patriot Games (1992) 802 The Blues Brothers (1980) 803 Rocket Gibraltar (1988) 804 Twelve Monkeys (1995) 805 Amadeus (1984) 806 Ice Age 2 (2006) 807 Bachelor Flat (1962) 808 Evil Dead II (1987) 809 The Milky Way (1936) Cool Harold Lloyd flick. One of his early talkies, Lloyd has a good voice and is probably a better sound actor than a silent actor. On the downside, however, he's older, and his stunts are less risky. In fact there's not a lot of stuntwork here at all. Lloyd plays a milkman who gets in a street brawl with two professional boxers. Lloyd cannot fight at all but he's the best ducker in the world. So he ducks and one boxer knocks the other boxer out cold. And Lloyd gets in the papers as the guy who knocked out the boxer. It's a fun story and I enjoyed it a lot. Not as incredible as Safety Last! or The Sin of Harold Diddlebock, but still an excellent movie. You can see why Sturges wanted to work with Lloyd, their sensibilities are similar. 810 Paris Je T'aime (2007) 20 filmmakers each have five minutes (and two days) to tell a French love story. They each have a different section of Paris to cover. Usually collection movies like this are a mixed bag of hits and misses. This one is pretty amazing in that almost all of them are hits. The brevity forces them to get to the point. Aside from "love" and "Paris" and "5 minutes" they pretty much had a lot of room to maneuver. What other movie has vampires and mimes? Not in the same story, thank God. The Coen brothers' short is laugh out loud funny in one bit, but other than that is just okay. My favorite short involves Maggie Gyllenhaal. Damn, she is cool. You'd think filmmakers would do this sort of thing more often. It's not a huge time commitment and the result can be wonderful. Probably a huge producing headache trying to get all those people to collaborate. You got to be a producing madman to get 20 directors in line. I'll bet the behind-the-scenes stuff was pretty fascinating. 811 The Saphead 812 Le Corbeau (1943) This is a fascinating film by Clouzot. I've seen four of his films and he's four for four, all good. (His others: Diabolique, Wages of Fear and Quai des Orfevres). He filmed this one during the French Occupation, when all French filmmaking was controlled by the Nazis and Vichy France. After the war Clouzot couldn't make films for years because he made a film under the Nazis. Yet the film is hardly pro-Nazi. In fact it doesn't mention Germany or the war at all. Instead it's a movie about a small French town where some anonymous letter-writer writes "poison pen" letters, accusing various people of doing various bad things. It's darkly funny, I laughed out loud more than once, and yet it's also a kind of suspenseful whodunit. This movie was wildly popular in France when it came out, and it more or less turned the French people against the practice of informing on their neighbors. So by attacking the French, Clouzot got the French to unite together. It worked so well that the Nazis, who allowed the film to be released, subsequently banned it. Clouzot's film is darkly cynical, he's the French version of Hitchcock. His best film is probably Diabolique, but if you like that one you'll like this one too. 813 Five Graves to Cairo (1943) This movie's a corker. One of the old Billy Wilder movies, Erich Von Stroheim plays Rommel. He looks nothing like Rommel but it's still a great performance. Lot of suspense as a Birtish agent is trapped in a hotel with the German army, so he pretends to be a waiter. Only it turns out that the waiter he's impersonating was a spy for the Germans. So now he has to pretend to be a spy. Lots of drama and a surprise ending. Wilder rocks. 814 The Big Lebowski (1998) 815 Twister (1996) 816 X-Men 817 The Guns of Navarone 818 any random episode of Lois and Clark 819 Moonlight Mile (2002) I've seen this movie twice and it made my cry both times. A very moving portrayal of grief, I think. Very human and very realistic. One of the great sob story movies. What I like about it is the story and the characters don't give in to pathos, they fight it. They try to move on, while at the same time trying to pay respect to what they have lost. And there's a lot of humor, too. I love it that they're so inappropriate in their grief, it's so human to be that way. 820 Die Another Day 821 The Postman Always Rings Twice Lana Turner version, of course. Dude, you got to see Lana Turner. 822 The Blue Dahlia (1946) 823 Eyes Without a Face (1959) In a lot of ways this film is a failure. It's a story about a plastic surgeon who is obsessed with restoring his daughter's beauty, so he kidnaps young girls and does some illegal skin grafting. An awesome score and amazing cinematography is marred by some not-so-good acting. And the movie's not half as suspenseful as it could be. Still, it's a fascinating film, a really cool failure. One thing the French often do is suggest humanity and pathos underneath their horror. This film is not in the class of Phantom of the Opera, but it's the same vibe. You feel for the monster. You see where his love has been distorted and turned into something ugly and vile. The other interesting thing about this film is how detached it is. It makes no effort to scare us. The doctor is calm and cold. The movie is calm and cold. So it may leave you feeling calm and cold. But nonetheless the horror is there. And the movie stays with you long after you have seen it. 824 Iron Monkey (1993) Woo-ping Yuen directed this, and he's the guy who choreographed all the fight scenes in The Matrix. So you know it's going to be cool. Fight scenes are cooler than Crouching Tiger, and the movie's a lot funnier. 825 Big Night (1996) 826 The Sound of Music (1965) 827 Damn Yankees 828 Battle Royale (2000) It's pretty cool. A bunch of Japanese teenagers are dropped off on an island where they play a game. The game is called "Kill Everyone and Whoever Is Left Gets To Go Home." So it's a violent murder game. And every teenager gets a weapon, although some of the kids get Uzis and some get slingshots. Anyway, it's an interesting movie. You'd think all of the deaths would get predictable and boring, but they don't. Some of the kids wrestle with moral issues, others elect to kill themselves, still others try to work together. And you have some evil kids who enjoy the violence. It's much more of a horror movie than an action movie. And it's kind of fascinating to watch the intensity of the emotions of the people involved. The movie doesn't really explain the purpose of the game, so the whole thing is sort of surreal. And yet it's highly realistic and involving. It’s a unique and interesting ride. 829 About a Boy (2002) 830 Green Slime (1968) 831 My Blue Heaven (1990) 832 Broadcast News (1987) 833 Spartan (2004) Good! I saw this with my parents, neither one of them liked it. I think my dad annoyed the three rows behind us by bending over and whispering, "what's going on?" maybe 20 times during the movie. The plot is a little complicated, but not that complicated. If you pay attention I swear to God you can follow it. Anyway, it's one of the good Mamets. The cinematography is better than in most of his films. Mamet's movies often look like he's filming a play, but not this time. There's a wonderful paranoid vibe here, and the movie's more logical and coherent than most of the alleged paranoid classics from the 70's. You could sorta see this actually happening. Val Kilmer does some solid, no b.s. work here. Once you hit the kidnapping this movie rocks forward like a freight train. If you like Mamet, check it out. 834 Where Eagles Dare (1968) 835 Big Trouble 836 Hail the Conquering Hero (1944) 837 Young Girls of Rochefort (1967) 838 Mister Roberts 839 Bio Hunter 840 Just Visiting (2001) 841 The Truth About Cats and Dogs (1996) 842 Goldfinger (1964) 843 Repo Man (1984) 844 Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989) 845 Sinbad (2003) 846 French Kiss (1995) 847 Day of the Dead (1985) Okay, the whole planet has been overrun by zombies. So right away you get an isolationist vibe from the movie. A dozen or so people are hunkered down in a military bunker. The group is split between military people and civilian scientists. The scientists are doing experiments on the zombies, trying to figure out what's going on. The military people are getting fascist and paranoid. In effect, some of the military people become the bad guys in the picture. You start rooting for the zombies to eat 'em. One of the subjects of the scientific experiments, named "Dub," becomes semi-intelligent. You can train him to do stuff, kind of like a dog. A real slow-moving, shuffling dog. There are some horror fans that will tell you that Dub is the George Romero version of the Ewok. Don't listen to them. Dub is boss. I, personally, kind of got a kick out of pulling for the zombies. And I liked the happy ending. So if you want a horror film where you can pull for the zombies, and have a happy ending, well, here you go. It's not scary--zombies are too slow to be scary--but it's gross and fun. My favorite zombie picture. 848 The Five Obstructions Lars von Trier film, and the only one I've seen that is any good. von Trier intentionally makes bad films, idiotic films, stupid films, boring films. His films are filled with horrible performances, shaky cameras, stupid melodramatic writing. He's a boil on the ass of great cinema. What makes this movie funny, and moving, is von Trier's challenge to another filmmaker, Jørgen Leth, who, back in the day, crafted a short called The Perfect Human. von Trier challenges Leth to remake this short five times. Each time von Trier puts obstructions in the way, with the stated goal of forcing Leth to fail, to make a bad film, which to von Trier is more "real". Watching von Trier challenge Leth and seeing how Leth responds is fascinating, and the film itself actually humanizes von Trier, making him seem (almost) like a good guy. But his films still suck. Except for this one. And Leth is an amazing filmmaker, I want to see more of his stuff. 849 Hell is for Heroes 850 Christmas in July (1940) 851 Million Dollar Baby (2004) This is a great little movie. It's kind of interesting to watch Eastwood migrate from right-wing icon to left-wing icon. Oddly, being a bit of a righty myself, I like Eastwood a lot more when he's a liberal. Right-wing Clint is a bit too preachy for my tastes, with his long-haired hippie evil bad guys. Although I have to say, there are some great right-wing lines in this movie. (My favorite, "I want you to jab right in the titz until they turn blue and fall off." You just can't imagine Tim Robbins saying that). What's interesting about liberal Clint is that he's not sanctimonious or holier-than-thou. He takes the Catholic church seriously. "If you do this thing you're going to be lost, Frankie." And, in my mind, anyway, the film leaves it open whether Frankie is lost or not. Hilary Swank gives a career performance and Morgan Freeman is insanely good. 852 The Italian Job (1969) A lot of humor in the first half, and then one of the best car chase scenes I've ever seen in my life, featuring three mini Coopers. Michael Caine is terrific, but what makes this movie is the score by Quincy Jones. You can hear Caine singing along on one song, "The South Preservation Society." I don't know what it means, but I'm all for it. Cool movie. 853 Twenty Bucks (1993) Ensemble cast. The camera follows a $20 bill around, as it gets passed from person to person. Various stories are told, in which the $20 bill plays a critical part. Neat little film, kind of reminded me of Slacker, if you've seen that one. 854 The Perfect Storm (2000) 855 Them! (1954) Cool little B movie from the 50's. Nice black and white cinematography, and a creepy score. The only reason this would get classified as a B movie is the less-than-stellar acting. Loved the early pre-feminist scientist. Screams on cue, yet gives Brad the what for when he tries to keep her from going down in the cave. "Brad, I don't have time to teach you all I know about science, I'm going down in that cave, so just shut up and watch my ass." (I paraphrase). And is it just me or was James Cameron watching this movie when he made Aliens? Hey, Jimbo, where did you get the idea for all the eggs in the cave, and the hero with the blowtorch? "It's a homage, it's a homage." 856 Invaders From Mars (1953) 857 Sherlock Holmes Faces Death (1943) 858 Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) My favorite Tim Burton flicks are his two animated films, The Nightmare Before Christmas and The Corpse Bride. Both are musicals, dark, brilliant, bizarre and funny. Sweeney Todd is a musical, too, dark in tone, arguably the darkest thing Burton has done. For all his obsession with dark themes (and knives!), Burton also loves being over the top and outlandish, which always makes his violence seem rather cartoonish, and undercuts the darkness. Here the murders are quite brutal and graphic, but there's so many of them, and there is singing, and pies. You want to laugh but it's not quite funny, either. Well done and yet, of course, quite odd. 859 Bullet Ballet 860 The Thin Blue Line (1988) 861 The Avengers episode -- "The Murder Market" 862 Joe vs. the Volcano (1990) 863 The Survivors 864 The City of Lost Children (1995) 865 Clerks (1994) 866 Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961) 867 Anchorman 868 Night Shift (1982) 869 Murder at the Gallop 870 Hamlet (2000) 871 The Weather Man (2005) 872 The Pacifier 873 The Rapture (1991) 874 October Sky (1999) 875 Solaris (2002) Soderbergh remakes Tarkovsky. Wistful and sad. Amazing cinematography. 876 Adventures in Babysitting (1987) 877 U-571 (2000) 878 The Devil Rides Out 879 Murder Most Foul 880 The Bridesmaid Claude Chabrol has been compared to Hitchcock his whole life. Cause he's always putting murders in his movies, I guess. Anyway, Chabrol's flicks usually aren't very suspenseful, but this one is pretty strong. It's about a man who falls in love with a bridesmaid at his sister's wedding. Their love affair becomes obsessive, and he realizes there is something wrong with her, and he needs to get away... 881 Ransom 882 11:14 883 The Out-of-Towners (1970) 884 How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying (1967) 885 Secretary (2002) I liked it. Kind of a cute, dark rom-com about a secretary who likes to be spanked by her lawyer. And before you say, "Spanking's not cute! It's dark! It's disturbing!" let me say that in this movie, it's kinda cute. They play the spanking as a good thing, as something that helps two isolated people form a connection. I might add, it's this aspect of the movie that makes it kind of unique. Blue Velvet and 9½ Weeks are two films I can think of that deal with kinky sex. (Well, outside of Bondage Babes in Babylon, or something). Both approach this sort of sex in the same way--as something dark, disturbing, and wrong. I think for many people that's true, and certainly these types of relationships can veer into abuse. Or certainly drama. Here, it's a comedy. Secretary approaches the spanking in a fun, light-hearted way. It's playful. It's a game. Oh, they are very serious about their game. But I couldn't help laughing at parts of the film. After seeing this movie, you'll probably never be able to say the word "typo" with a straight face again. I don't think I've ever seen this type of film before. "Excuse me, Mr. Blockbuster clerk, could you direct me to the light-hearted S & M romance division?" It's not a love story so much as an obsessive sex story, with humor and need. It's about damaged people who have trouble relating to other people, so they play games instead. It's funny when you watch it and sad when you think about it. And quirky all the way through. The acting is phenomenal. Maggie Gyllenhaal is nerdy in several scenes, and incredibly sexy in others. And she plays wide-eyed vulnerability throughout the movie. James Spader plays the sexual-repressed lawyer pretty much the way you'd expect him to play it. James Spader was born to play roles like this. 886 Dead Reckoning (1947) 887 She 888 The Dark Mirror (1946) Olivia de Haviland plays two roles, an innocent woman who is accused of murder, and her psychotic twin sister. Robert Siodmark did a lot of film noir B movie stuff in the 40's, this is one of his best. 889 The Avengers episode -- "The Danger Makers" 890 Broadway Danny Rose (1984) 891 Conspiracy (2001) I believe this was a made-for-HBO production. Really, really good, surprisingly good. A bunch of Nazis meet in a room and discuss the Jewish question. You'd think it would be boring and predictable, but it's not. It's harrowing and brilliant and scary. I love Stanley Tucci, but he's not particularly strong here. The guy who really blows us away is Colin Firth. It's his strongest work, I think. And Kenneth Branagh is oily and repulsive and brilliant, too. The entire movie consists of conversations, but there's a tremendous amount of drama in the room, political undercurrents. The movie does a great job of humanizing these Nazis, making you understand how this could happen. It's based on a real event, the Wannsee Conference. Scary, upsetting movie, particularly when you see who gets off scott free. 892 Destination: Tokyo 893 The Odd Couple (1968) 894 Trainspotting (1996) 895 After Hours (1985) 896 To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) 897 One Fine Day (1996) 898 Kwaidan (1964) 899 any random episode of Cheers 900 Black Mask 901 Swashbuckler (1976) I'm a sucker for pirates. Pirates rock. I would rank this as the number two pirate movie of all time, after Pirates of the Carribean. Anybody who is at all familiar with the pirate movie genre would know that's sort of a backhanded compliment. This movie was killed by the critics, it has a 5 something over at IMDB, and I'm here to tell you they're all wrong. This movie is fun. It's not great cinema but it's fun. Two of my favorite actors, Robert Shaw and James Earl Jones, ham it up and enjoy themselves. Yeah yeah, Darth Vader's a pirate. It's fast-paced, lively, a corker of a pirate movie. Definitely tongue-in-cheek. Peter Boyle is way over the top as the foppish evil guy, punishing people with spankings and other naughty things. Beau Bridges plays an uptight heterosexual who's about to be punished by the claw, Genevieve Bujold gets naked, the voodoo guy from Live and Let Die shows up, and they cast Anjelica Huston and don't give her any lines. None! If they took out the nudity and the sex, this movie would be perfect for kids. As it is it's still hectic fun. 902 Decalog: Nine (1988) Guy finds out from doctor that he is impotent. So he and his wife agree that she should start sleeping with other men. The whole movie I'm going, "What about oral sex? Or a strap-on, you can buy a strap-on." I'm giving suggestions to the movie. This one turned me into Dr. Ruth. I got kinda irritated with this guy who jumped right to "sleep with other men." You think he's going to be like one of the guys in Jules and Jim, but instead he kinda freaks out and starts spying on his wife. "Don't sleep with other men! I take it back!" 903 Mumford 904 Black Hawk Down (2001) 905 The $1,000,000 Duck (1971) 906 A Bucket of Blood (1959) I love Roger Corman. Not so much his movies, which on the whole suck, but the way he makes them. He knocks them out on the cheap, in a hurry, and finishes the whole thing in a frickin week. Make the movie! Get it done! Move on to the next one! I find him inspirational. Whenever I worry about my future career, or lack thereof, I think of Roger Corman. If you make it cheap enough, you'll make money, and you can make your next movie. Despite all the odds, by the way, Bucket of Blood is a nice film, darkly funny. It's far superior to Corman's Little Shop of Horrors, which, despite the presence of a young Jack Nicholson, isn't very good. Bucket of Blood, on the other hand, has really cool cinematography and a wicked sense of humor. You know all those low-budget movies that people rave about, like Mad Max or El Mariachi? Those films suck. Most Roger Corman films suck. People who rave about those films are doing charity work. This film ain't like that. It's like the best Twilight Zone episode, ever. Yeah, even better than the girl on pig planet who wanted plastic surgery. 907 The Shawshank Redemption (1994) 908 The Comedy of Terrors (1964) Brutally funny. Vincent Price plays an undertaker who's trying to drum up some business, so he kills some people. Basil Rathbone is in this, Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre is priceless. Directed by the cool king of the B movies, (and Scorsese-fave) Jacques Tourneur. Very dark humor, very droll, very funny. Price is such a bad actor, but he's intentionally bad here, hammy as hell, and it's great. One of the truly classic dark comedies. 909 Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941) 910 Seinfeld episode -- "The Airport" (1992) 911 The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T (1953) I wish I'd seen it when I was six. Amazing Dr. Seuss film. I had no idea he'd made a live action film back in the 1950's. He wrote it, and his fingerprints are all over this sucker. Amazing and surreal set designs. Looks like a freaky German film from the silent era. Actually, what it looks like is one of the Dr. Seuss books. And no matter how weird your movie is, it's even weirder if you sing. 912 The Blue Iguana Stars Dylan McDermott as a bounty hunter who is blackmailed by the IRS into going into a Mexican town and stopping an illegal transfer of $20 million into the U.S. The Blue Iguana is the name of the bar where he hangs out, I think. Funny, odd, cool movie. Co-stars Flea. 913 Love & Sex (2000) 914 Deconstructing Harry 915 Pale Rider (1985) 916 any random episode of Monk 917 Gosford Park (2001) 918 Das Boot (1981) 919 The Big Sleep (1946) 920 Columbo episode: "By Dawn's Early Light" Columbo finds himself up against a military tactician, as the commandant of a military school, Patrick McGoohan blows up a hippie punk. Yes, you’re a Prisoner now. 921 The Silence of the Lambs (1991) 922 ffolkes (1980) 923 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 924 Bad Influence 925 Meet the Parents (2000) 926 Titus 927 Mona Lisa (1986) 928 The Getaway (1972) 929 Mission Impossible 3 930 Quai des Orfevres (1947) If you dig Diabolique you might check out some of Clouzot's other works, many of which are quite good, like this one. 931 Max Dugan Returns (1983) 932 You'll Never Get Rich 933 Running Scared (1986) 934 In the Heat of the Night (1967) 935 Mystery Men (1999) 936 It Happened Tomorrow 937 Signs (2002) 938 The Re-Animator (1985) The best part of the movie is when the severed head is crawling up the tied up woman's body, and she's like, "don't rape me, severed head, don't rape me!" and the severed head's tongue is sticking out, like "waaaaaaaaaaah!" And severed head is all, "I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna get ya!" And she's all "Aiiiiiieeeeeeee!" And he's crawling up her body. Well, he doesn't have arms and legs. I don't remember how he moves, actually. Maybe he rolls? But that tongue is so wrong. That's all I'm saying. 939 Burn After Reading 940 The Set-Up (1949) Robert Wise directed this classic film noir. He went on to direct The Haunting, which is a cool horror classic. This is a neat boxing movie, filmed in real time. It's definitely a B picture, about a washed up boxer who's supposed to throw a fight but refuses. The boxing scenes are awesome, almost up there with Scorsese's stuff, and the dialog is corny but cool. If you like film noir check this one out. 941 The Thing From Another World 942 Anchors Aweigh (1945) 943 any random episode of Burn Notice 944 Mystery, Alaska (1999) 945 any random episode of 30 Rock 946 A Man for All Seasons (1966) 947 Fletch (1985) 948 American Graffiti (1973) 949 The Breakfast Club 950 The Page Turner 951 War of the Worlds (2005) 952 Cyrano de Bergerac (1990) 953 Johnny Handsome (1989) 954 High Sierra 955 The Ice Harvest 956 The Sure Thing (1985) 957 The Truman Show (1998) 958 Mr. Baseball (1992) 959 The Last of Mrs. Cheyney (1937) 960 Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 961 Turk 182! (1985) 962 A Canterbury Tale (1944) 963 Junebug 964 Sea of Love (1989) 965 In Her Shoes 966 Victor/Victoria 967 Glengarry Glen Ross (1992) 968 A Mighty Wind (2003)9 969 Smiles of a Summer Night (1955) 970 Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters (1985) 971 Niagara (1953) 972 The Ballad of Cable Hogue (1970) 973 The Foot Fist Way 974 The Station Agent (2003) 975 When a Woman Ascends the Stairs 976 8 Mile (2002) What makes 8 Mile brilliant, in my opinion, is its breathtaking portrayal of the underclass. The movie is just brimming with anger. What's fascinating is that the anger is not really focused on any one person, or group of people. It's just this free-floating anger at not having a car, living in a trailer, working at a sorry job. Eminem's character is angry at poverty itself, at being one of life's losers. So he's very proud and ready to fight anybody, anywhere. He doesn't care if he is hurt or killed. Usually in movies of this type, you would expect some evil rich guy to show up, and we in the audience would be invited to cheer as Eminem the working class hero defeats the capitalist pig. Or you might see the evil police who are conspiring to hurt the innocent victim. There's none of that here. I actually winced once or twice as Eminem's character would screw up his own life by resorting to violence. While the movie avoids creating a victim whom we're supposed to feel sorry for, the film does an amazing job of showing what it's like to be a member of the underclass. As a consequence, I found myself having more empathy for the poor than I had before I saw the movie. The film suceeds in this by not being preachy, but instead being matter-offact, and by making its points subtly. Eminem's character is often his worst enemy, and yet the film does a great job of showing why the anger is there, so we pull for the character. One of the interesting themes floating through the movie is the idea of putting other people down. It's almost as if the movie is saying you have to have some money before you can be kind or decent. When you get so far down in the underclass that life is a constant struggle, the tendency is to step over other people. It's kind of a dog-eat-dog world. So Eminem's character is very concerned with not losing face, with confronting anybody who would insult him or put him down. The idea I guess is that he's so far down already, he really can't stand being put down any more. The "challenge" in the movie--which consists of rappers insulting each other--is sort of like the fight scene in Rocky. You pull for the underdog to make something out of his crappy life, by beating this other guy. And while I enjoy Rocky, and I think it's a better movie, I have to say 8 Mile is a much more authentic movie. The pain seems much more real here. I walked out of the movie with a lot of interesting thoughts rattling around in my head. If you've ever wondered why somebody would kill somebody else over a pair of sneakers, well, this movie might give you an idea. 977 The Dinner Game (1998) 978 Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948) 979 School of Rock 980 The Beach 981 Carnal Knowledge (1971) 982 Footlight Parade 983 Soapdish (1991) 984 The Cooler (2003) Stars another of my favorite actors, William H. Macy, and my new sex goddess, Maria Bello. Is it just me or are women in their thirties sexier than woman in their twenties? I mean, give me Diane Lane and Maria Bello, and you can have whoever and whoever. Lots of nudity in this movie, and if you're a woman you'll be happy to hear that there's quite a bit of guy nudity as well. Although it's William H. Macy guy nudity, so it's not a fair trade-off, in my opinion. The woman next to me was so appalled she got up and left. Anyway, Macy plays a "cooler" or a person who's job it is to cool the tables in Vegas. Macy, you see, has this incredible bad luck. Whatever he touches turns to crap. So he gets paid to go around to tables and touch them, so people start losing. It's an interesting little movie about luck, good and bad, as well as destiny and fate. Alec Baldwin has a couple of fun scenes as the head bad guy. 985 Guest Wife (1945) 986 Demolition Man (1993) 987 The Fast and the Furious 988 The Rookie 989 Enter the Dragon (1973) 990 Red Rock West (1992) 991 Presumed Innocent 992 Tin Men (1987) 993 The Final Cut Nice little science-fiction story with Robin Williams. It's brainy and smart, but also has some drama. 994 A Man Escaped 995 Leon: The Professional 996 Hot Fuzz British comedy, follow up to Shaun of the Dead. What that movie did for zombies, this one does for buddy cop movies. Good flick, funny, and you don't feel stupid for laughing. Like the first movie, suffers from a tonal shift in the third act, as the movie lurches into over-the-top violence. Still, most of the movie is a lot of fun. Nice to see the sophomore jinx didn't hit them, I'll pay to see their next flick too. 997 Dark City (1998) 998 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 999 Before the Devil Knows You're Dead Sidney Lumet, on the commentary, shocks us and himself when he acknowledges that this screenplay came to him in the mail. Not from his agent, from the screenwriter. And he picked it up and read the thing. Amazing. Anyway, it gives hope to all us writers. It's a damn fine screenplay, menacing and dark, and the suspense keeps ratcheting up. You see the train wreck coming and you can't avert your eyes. It's a dark, ugly little world they create here, and the characters do some truly awful things, and yet you feel sorry for everybody. They're all so human and real. It's a mean little movie, but once you start watching it, you can't stop. And then you want to see it again. Phenomenal acting from everybody. Lumet's done a lot of movies, and he's gotten some terrific performances, but I swear the acting in this movie might be the best I've seen in a Lumet film. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ethan Hawke, Marisa Tomei, Albert Finney. Even the bit players, who I've never seen or heard about, shine. Well done. 1000 Frantic (1988) 1001 The Prisoner of Zenda (1937) 1002 The Wrong Trousers 1003 Vantage Point 1004 Fear of a Black Hat (1994) 1005 Nanook of the North (1922) 1006 The Crucible (1996) What’s fascinating about this film is that it’s not about politics at all. It’s about spirituality and honesty. Daniel Day-Lewis has sinned, he’s committed adultery. And he has confessed to his wife and has broken off the affair. The girl he slept with starts accusing people of witchcraft. It’s a game at first, but it becomes very serious very quickly. Religious people go nuts and start killing people for worshipping Satan. And then, in a remarkable twist, the religious people start to worry that maybe they’ve killed some innocent people. They need confessions. It looks bad that people are not confessing. And the religious people are desperate now. “Confess. Confess and we’ll let you go. Just confess.” And Daniel Day-Lewis can’t confess. Because he’s a Christian and he’s not going to bear false witness. He’s worried about his own soul. And it’s more important to him that he’s right with God than whether they kill him or not. So he refuses to lie. And they kill him. It’s a brilliant and amazing film about humility and faith. 1007 Valkyrie 1008 The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie 1009 The Andromeda Strain (1971) 1010 The Ice Storm (1997) 1011 Pursuit to Algiers 1012 Four Christmases 1013 Adaptation (2002) 1014 Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Most of your classic horror figures--Dracula, Werewolf, Mr. Hyde--are all about the dangers of unbridled male sexuality. Keep a lid on it, pal. Don't let your monster out. Catwoman, on the other hand, is all about the dangers of unbridled female sexuality. She's not a horror figure, I guess cause unbridled female sexuality isn't as horrible as unbridled male sexuality. She's just a super-villain. Not even super, actually. Just a villain. With a mask and a whip. Damned if I know how I managed to switch the topic to Catwoman. I like Catwoman. 1015 Everyone Says I Love You (1996) 1016 13 Conversations About One Thing (2001) Why do bad things happen? Why do good things happen? Is there some sort of plan? Or is life one big accident? Or both? This film has several vignettes (13, I suppose), and lots of surprises. The movie goes back and forth in time, but since the characters are (mostly) different for each vignette, this doesn't slow us down much. It's a subtle, beautiful work. In particular what I admire about the film is that the writer/director, Jill Sprecher, avoids giving us any easy, pat answers. I particular admire the way she works a huge number of coincidences into her screenplay (suggesting a plan), and yet also a large number of seemingly random or meaningless events (suggesting chaos). A truly deep movie, intelligent and thought-provoking. Yet the film is not dense at all--anyone can understand it. In fact the movie might seem deceptively simple on the first viewing. 1017 Barfly (1987) 1018 Mickey Blue Eyes I liked it. It's not high art, or even low art. But it is funny and I did laugh. I think it's a question of whether you like Hugh Grant's routine or not. The movie is silly in parts, and predictable in other parts, but it's one of the better Grant films. Kind of a breezy mob farce. The sort of movie where you have to bury a body and you run into a couple of mob guys burying another body. Particularly funny is Grant trying to say "fuhgedaboutit," or trying to sell the painting of Jesus wiping out people with a machine gun. Better than I thought it would be. 1019 The Paper Chase (1973) 1020 The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer (1947) 1021 Bleacher Bums I saw this at four in the morning on TV. Great fun, especially if you're a Cubs fan, or just a baseball fan in general. It's not a film about baseball, but a film about the fans who love baseball. Actually I should say it's a movie about the true blue hardcore masochistic fans who love their team, even when their team hurts them real bad. Did you know "fan" is shorthand for "fanatic"? Anyway, this is a fun little ensemble piece, about various fans watching a baseball game from the bleacher seats. Is it love? Or obsessional, delusional, masochistic mental illness? A little of both. One of my favorite character actors, Peter Riegert, heads up this cast, along with a couple of TV actors you might recognize. Directed by another fave of mine, Saul Rubinek. 1022 Notes on a Scandal 1023 The Great Escape (1963) 1024 Dog Soldiers (2002) Neat little British werewolf picture. Kind of a cross between Aliens and Predator. It's not nearly as good as Aliens, but it's better than Predator. In fact it's easily the best werewolf picture I've ever seen. Basic story--a bunch of British soldiers on a training mission run into a pack of werewolves. Conflict ensues. Great sfx. The filmmakers made the command decision to not use CGI. I didn't realize how annoyed I have become with CGI until I saw a horror film without it. Real! It looks real! To me, no matter how cool computer simulation looks, it still looks like computer simulation. There's something to be said for actual fur and animal blood. Neil Marshall knows his way around a horror film. He doesn't actually show the werewolves until late in the movie. Until then we see only claws, arms, and shadows. And he cranks up the action so you don't have time to think. Once the werewolves meet the British soldiers--about twenty minutes into the movie--the film does not let up. It's an intense, fast-paced spookfest. It's this quick pacing that reminds me so much of Aliens. Marshall also speeds up his camera in parts, and uses a lot of handheld camerawork. And while the movie is uneven in a few places, overall it's a pretty impressive effort for such a young filmmaker. There are not as many funny lines as in Aliens, but it's definitely funny in parts. I laughed out loud at the black humor more than once. In one scene, a soldier is cut so bad from a werewolf attack, his intestines are hanging out. "Put 'em in! Put 'em in!" "They won't &$(#!+ fit!" "Of course they'll fit!" It's a nice little horror-action film. Low budget but highly effective. Two claws up! 1025 The Lower Depths (1957) 1026 Ninja Scroll 1027 Shattered Glass (2003) Are you ready for this? Hayden Christensen should have won an Academy award for this movie. I can't believe it either. This is the guy who has replaced Jar-Jar Banks as the most hated figure in the Star Wars universe. George Lucas: "I have a vision--Darth Vader as a whiny, simpering adolescent. Yes!" You know, when you have a bad performance from a professional actor, it’s almost always the director’s fault. He’s the guy who says, “Okay, you got it.” The actor can’t judge his own performance very well. Anyway, here, Christensen nails it. The character he's playing is a real guy, Stephen Glass, who was a young reporter for the New Republic a few years ago. I've subscribed to that magazine for many years, so I knew all about this story going in. And yet I was still enthralled. Christensen plays Glass like he's a young Bill Clinton. He captures the narcissism of that sort of personality brilliantly, and yet also manages to get you feeling sorry for the guy. It's an amazing performance. 1028 Read My Lips (2002) 1029 Petulia 1030 House of Games (1987) It's been so long since I've seen House of Games the first time, I've forgotten whether the movie fooled me or not. It's completely irrelevant, though, because the movie was just as fun the second time I saw it, when I knew everything that was coming. There are a few movies where Mamet's dialog just zips and crackles. This is one. (State and Main and Glengarry are two others, and I believe he wrote The Verdict as well). For some reason, Mamet keeps falling in love with women who give really stiff line readings. Crouse's performance is completely wooden, in my opinion. But it works for her character, who is supposed to be an emotionally closed off person. And Mantegna is beautiful in this film. Mamet's dialog is scorching and Joe gets the rhythm of it. His performance is like watching jazz. It's easily the best work I've seen from him, he works some anger into his character that rounds him out in a wonderful way. What's nice about this film is not just the puzzle of the con, but the well-rounded characters. Crouse's character, for example. She's a wooden psychologist with no life up till now. She becomes interested in these con artists precisely because they are dangerous. Of course this is risky, but she's attracted to it precisely because of the risk, because her entire life has been safe and insulated. So she decides to open up, to take a chance. And she falls in love with this bad guy. For me, anyway, the movie works on another level from watching the scam unfold. It's watching the love-hate relationship between the two leads, and how that psychosexual drama plays itself out. And listening to that ripping dialog along the way. Great movies, like House of Games or Sixth Sense, hold up on multiple viewings, even when the "surprise" no longer works. Lesser movies, like The Spanish Prisoner, may be good the first time you see them, but suck mightily on repeat viewings. The characters in that movie are undeveloped and two dimensional. Their entire reason for existing is to serve as puzzle pieces. Once you know the puzzle, the movie is unwatchable. 1031 Puddle Cruiser 1032 Gregory’s Girl (1981) 1033 The Elephant Man (1980) 1034 Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) 1035 Broadway Melody of 1940 1036 Hotel 1037 Fighting For Love 1038 The Merry Widow (1934) 1039 Cape Fear (1991) 1040 Better Off Dead (1985)

B (280) 1041 Fracture I got a kick out of this. The characters are basically two dimensional. "Hi, I'm the evil genius who shot my wife." But, you know, three dimensionality is overrated in cinema, I think. Most of your major comedies are two dimensional. You only see the funny stuff. They crop out a-whole-nother dimension to the world. And a lot of dramas crop out all the funny stuff. Or the Stuff That Just Doesn't Fit. Filmmaking as an art form requires reduction and simplification. And sometimes it's better to paint in broad strokes. Evil Genius. Overconfident D.A. Mysterious Seductress. Of course what you need, what you got to have in films like these, are excellent actors who can suggest depth and realism to these archtypes. And here, boy oh boy, Ryan Gosling really steps up. All the acting is terrific, actually. I was way impressed with the direction, from somebody I've never heard of (Gregory Hoblit). Cinematography is gorgeous, music is wonderful. Attorneys and former attorneys may be kinda annoyed with some of the (ahem) brilliant legal maneuvers. My favorite was when Anthony Hopkins filed his Motion to Acquit. And the judge was like, "Hmmm, I guess you learned some law over the weekend, sir." And the D.A. is all, "Oh my God, how do I handle this?" And Anthony Hopkins is all, "There is no evidence against me. My evil plan is working!" Let me just say, for all you future homicidal wackos out there who take notes during these movies on How To Get Away With It, you want to skip this one. "But Judge! I filed my Motion to Acquit!" On the other hand, wacky judges who make wacky rulings that are completely insane, that I believe. I've seen that. Totally can happen. But even the most insane, I-want-to-let-them-all-go judge is still gonna send it to a jury. It's called Cover Your Ass. First thing they teach ya. 1042 Swing Time (1936) 1043 Battling Butler 1044 La Ronde 1045 A Perfect World (1993) 1046 Thirteen Days (2000) 1047 Columbo episode -- "The Most Crucial Game" (1972) Robert Culp again, as the general manager of a profession football team, who murders the owner with a chunk of ice to the head. 1048 Seinfeld episode -- "The Junior Mints" (1993) 1049 This Gun For Hire 1050 Private Parts (1997) 1051 Libeled Lady (1936) William Powell again. Ditsy society girl Myrna Loy sues a newspaper for libel. Powell tries to romance the suit out of her. It's not their best, but it's still funny and cool. 1052 Any Number Can Win (1963) 1053 Oh Heavenly Dog 1054 Birthday Girl (2001) 1055 The Limey 1056 Dr. T and the Women (2000) 1057 Madadayo (1992) 1058 Flesh and Bone 1059 Novocaine (2003) Enjoyable. It's dark humor, about an innocent dentist who gets involved with Helena Bonham Carter (in one of her skanky roles). She seduces him in the dentist chair, and then there's some double-crossing and triple-crossing, and before you know it, Steve Martin's wanted by the law. Nice little comedic noir, reminded me of Blood Simple or Red Rock West. Fast-paced, with lots of plot twists. The final plot twist is a little dubious, but still an enjoyable little film. One of the things I liked about the movie was you really got a dentist's perspective on the universe. Teeth are very, very important. Apparently, the writer-director's father, and his two brothers, are all dentists. On the DVD he said, "I've just always wanted to make a movie about a dentist." Wow. I never had that urge. That's kind of amusing. I mean, he escaped denistry school, he's the black sheep of the family, he runs off to be an artist, and yet still the teeth call him. "Make a movie about us. We're important. Don't forget the teeth!" 1060 Passport to Pimlico 1061 Family Plot (1976) 1062 Columbo episode -- "An Exercise in Fatality" (1974) The bad guy here is Robert Conrad (a.k.a. James T. West), and he's running a chain of health stores. Columbo smokes a stogey and catches him anyway. 1063 Rhapsody in August 1064 Fever Pitch 1065 Jin-Ro: The Wolf Brigade 1066 Seinfeld episode -- "The Contest" (1992) 1067 Horse Feathers (1932) 1068 The Voyage of the Kitty Koo Koo (2002) 1069 Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966) 1070 The Defiant Ones (1958) 1071 Final Fantasy (2001) 1072 Angels With Dirty Faces (1938) 1073 Blaze (1989) 1074 The Shaggy Dog 1075 Bananas (1971) 1076 Hotel Rwanda (2005) 1077 The Ringer (2005) 1078 The Horse’s Mouth (1958) 1079 Columbo episode -- "Blueprint for Murder" A no-name actor, Patrick O’Neal, is awesome as the architect of the future city who murders that damn cowboy who won’t fund his vision. 1080 Monsieur Verdoux 1081 The Bad and the Beautiful (1952) 1082 Against All Odds 1083 Spy Game 1084 The Heroic Trio 1085 Star Trek 1086 Miami Vice 1087 The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) 1088 Mystic River (2003) I saw this with my brother. Thirty minutes into this, I predicted how it would end, and he predicted who the killer was, and we were both right. So as far as mysteries go, it's okay. What makes this fun to watch are the performances, which are uniformly excellent. Sean Penn has been getting all the raves, but I enjoyed Kevin Bacon just as much. He's really maturing as an actor, gave a tightly controlled performance, with a lot of emotion bottled up inside. Tim Robbins had the toughest job, and he carried it off admirably. Nice work all around. 1089 Dot (2002) 1090 Year of the Comet 1091 Jackass: The Movie (2002) Fun movie. Works on the Three Stooges level, except raunchier (and funnier). Completely idiotic, of course, and possibly the worst date movie ever. No woman is likely to find this funny, and she's likely to conclude that you're a frickin idiot for laughing so hard. Great break-up movie, though. Honestly, I kinda want to be a Jackass. One of the wimpier ones, anyway. I wouldn't want to eat the urine snow cone, or do the paper cut on my tongue, and I'm not sure about the baby alligator biting my nipple. And I don't think I'd want to be shot with a riot gun. But I could dress up like a panda and run through the streets of Tokyo, and I could ride a golf cart like a maniac. No problem. Oh, I wouldn't want the toy car jammed up my a-hole. Ow. Anyway, it's a hilarious movie, suitable for juvenile males of all ages. 1092 It Happened One Night (1934) The first screwball to hit it big. Swept the Oscars that year. Cinematography is kinda weak, but Clark Gable is very funny in this. This one's a little dated, but still good. 1093 Columbo episode -- "Playback" (1975) Truffaut was probably raving about this Columbo episode, featuring one of his favorite actors, Oskar Werner, as a gadget-happy inventor. 1094 Coogan's Bluff 1095 Operation Condor (1991) 1096 Deep Rising It's pretty fun. By the guy who did The Mummy. It's not original in the slightest, ripping off many better movies, like Aliens. On the other hand it's not boring. It's a fun way to escape for a couple of hours. 1097 Fantastic Planet (1973) This is a French animated science-fiction classic. Giants blue people about 100 feet tall keep human beings as cute little pets. At least the tame ones. The wild ones they exterminate. The animation isn't anything special, in my opinion. They would have been better off hiring a couple of guys from Hanna-Barbera. But despite the lackluster animation, this movie nonetheless has incredible visuals. Lots of weird, inexplicable stuff I've never seen before. For instance, the giant blue creatures stand in front of a puff machine, and they inhale the puffs. Without any explanation of what or why. The film just goes on to its next cool visual. The film is sort of like Dr. Seuss in its creativity. A lot of people see this film as an allegory for Soviet domination, or some damn thing. I don't really see that myself, but the movie is certainly thoughtprovoking. If you're looking for original and different, then you want to see this one for sure. 1098 Rendezvous in Paris (1995) 1099 Damage I personally like movies where characters are obsessed about sex. I can relate to that. And I think the family dynamic angle just made the story more powerful. Sort of similar to a Shakespeare theme. "My mom killed my dad and married my uncle!" It's your basic tragedy, complete with flawed characters who self-destruct because of their flaws. I think it works like one of those scary movies they show in driver's ed class. "Don't fall asleep while you're driving. Or else! And don't fall in love with your son's fiancée. Or else!" Death, destruction, chaos. It's a movie that serves as a warning to the rest of us. If Woody Allen had seen this movie, he might have refrained from one or two bad moves. Or maybe not. 1100 Lovely & Amazing (2001) 1101 It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown 1102 Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) 1103 Topper 1104 Born Romantic (2000) 1105 Star Trek episode -- "The Trouble With Tribbles" 1106 any random episode of the Bob Newhart Show 1107 Predator (1987) 1108 Coffee and Cigarettes It's a collection of shorts Jarmusch filmed over a decade, with the general theme of people talking over coffee and cigarettes. Some of the shorts work better than others. I really enjoyed the one with Spike Lee's siblings. Steve Buscemi as the dimwitted racist waiter: "You two are like Heckle and Jeckle. Have you see that cartoon?" The pairings are funny and cool. Iggy Pop and Tom Waits. Bill Murray and the Wu-Tang Clan. Steve Coogan and Alfred Molina. What should have been really funny, Roberto Begnini and Steven Wright, was horrible. A couple were forgettable. It's a really good movie but there are four or five better Jarmusch films out there. 1109 Kung Fu Hustle (2005) 1110 Once Bitten 1111 Nadine (1987) 1112 Executive Decision 1113 The Black Cauldron (1985) This is an unknown and underappreciated Disney cartoon. It's post-Walt and (I think) pre-Eisner. With the exception of Robin Hood, which is quite good, most of the Disney cartoons from the 70's and 80's suck mightily. Disney would rediscover the magic with The Little Mermaid, adding musical numbers to the mix (and, later, expensive voice talent). 1114 Dead Ringers (1988) 1115 Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) Nice movie, pretty. Lots of wire fu, which I like. Great cinematography. Ang Lee is not a great director, but he is a good one. And he always gets strong performances from his cast. 1116 Fatal Attraction 1117 Nighthawks 1118 Angel Heart 1119 Tarzan 1120 Iron Man 1121 The Beguiled (1971) It's a battle of the sexes as Eastwood's character finds himself in a fight for his life against a bevy of Southern females. Castration anxiety at its finest. Lots of cool atmosphere, wonderful acting all around, and a neat/weird combination of Gone With the Wind meets The Man With No Name. Scary little horror flick. 1122 Almost a Dream 1123 Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (1972) Uneven in parts, but its funniest bits are right up there with Monty Python. Raunchy, funny. Gene Wilder with a special problem, Burt Reynolds and Woody Allen as two sperms (Burt's brave, ready to go, Woody's nervous), and a giant breast roaming the countryside. 1124 Mr. Jealousy (1997) 1125 Intolerable Cruelty (2003) What's nice about the Coen brothers is that they never insult your intelligence. They make very smart movies, so even if a movie doesn't work for me (i.e. The Man Who Wasn't There), I can appreciate why somebody might love it. This is probably the darkest and most cynical of the Coen movies, and that's saying something. It's a brilliant satire of social climbing, greed, marrying for money, divorce, true love...hell, they satirize just about everything at one point or another. It's hard to take them seriously at any particular plot point. Just when you think the movie's being sincere, and maybe you ought to feel some genuine emotions for these characters, the movie pulls the rug out from under you. It is, I think, an intentionally artificial movie, one that makes no attempt to create real, plausible characters. And even the characters that are quasi-real (George Clooney's divorce lawyer, for example) do and say things that are completely implausible. ("I'm going to quit my firm and do pro bono work in East L.A....somewhere"). This is darkly humorous, because you register the fact that Miles has no idea where "East L.A." is, exactly. And he's a man who's obsessed with money and status--the least likely candidate for a life of charity work. Yet Clooney's speech is played as straight as possible. He's trying to convince us, the audience, that Miles really does feel this way. Five minutes of screen time later, Miles is hiring a hit man. Yanking us back and forth like this doesn't work in terms of believability. But of course, since this is a movie about artificiality and disillusionment, you get the feeling the Coens don't really care if their story veers from plausibility or not. In terms of a satire of the real world, the movie works brilliantly. I mean, it's not as if the Coen brothers invented multiple marriages, or botox, or teeth whitening, or reality TV, or prenups. The plot is outlandish, but the themes run very true. There's little genuine emotion in the movie. When people cry, they're faking. When people marry, they're lying. It is a cold and dark little world they've created here. And yet the main two characters are quite likable. It's fun watching these two sharks circle each other, with tremendous respect, even awe, and yet this desire to destroy the other. And it's thought-provoking as the two of them both subtly acknowledge the emptiness of their lives, and yet when they speak of this to each other, you can't help but suspect that this too is part of a plan to win. It is a blast watching Catherine Zeta-Jones. The camera loves her, I love her, we all love her. The screwball antics immediately cease whenever she's on screen. She is calmness personified. You can almost hear Mick Jagger in the background. ("Love a girl, with faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar-away eyes"). She makes you want to believe that love is possible. Even as you understand that she's a black widow spider, who's going to rip your heart out. This movie is not dark in the way, say, War of the Roses is dark. That's a wonderful movie about hatred. Neither of the two leads hate in this movie. They're too ironic for hatred, too ironic for love. But sucking all the emotion out of this film works, in a weird way. You can understand why the characters would be willing to accept the illusion of love--their world is too cold and empty without it. Anyway, it's a darkly humorous, thought-provoking movie. 1126 Blades of Glory 1127 Tom Horn (1980) 1128 The Asphalt Jungle (1950) 1129 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) 1130 any random episode of Chappelle's show 1131 The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985) 1132 Baseball Bugs (1946) 1133 Stargate (1994) 1134 Seinfeld episode -- "The Visa" (1993) 1135 Catch-22 1136 Impromptu (1991) 1137 Blow Out (1981) It's pretty audacious, and stupid, to remake a masterpiece, when you know there's no way you can top it. Blow Out is a pretty good movie, visually interesting. But Blow Up is damn near sublime. You think it's a murder mystery and it turns out to be a movie on a whole different level. De Palma is basically a B picture kind of guy, who has this passion for taking A movies, and making B pictures out of them. 1138 F For Fake 1139 Gorky Park 1140 any random episode of Maverick 1141 13 Rue Madeleine 1142 Ace Ventura, Pet Detective (1994) 1143 Hope and Glory (1987) 1144 Big Daddy (1999) 1145 The Squid and the Whale (2005) 1146 There’s Something About Mary (1998) 1147 A Knight’s Tale (2001) 1148 The Closet 1149 Dames 1150 Castle in the Sky (1986) 1151 Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939) 1152 The Scarlet Pimpernel 1153 Columbo episode -- "Murder Under Glass" (1978) Columbo’s food movie, this one makes me hungry. A famous food critic murders a restaurant owner. Directed by Jonathan Demme and staring Frenchman Louis Jourdan as the bad guy. 1154 Bully (2001) There is a lot of explicit sex and nudity in this movie, much more than in Kids. But almost none of it is titillating; lust is probably the last thing you will feel watching these characters. Instead you feel empathy and sorrow for how screwed up they are. All the characters are realistic and horrifying. The emotions are raw, the story is intense, and yet there is no melodrama here. And how many films have we seen where a character is murdered? Thousands. But I daresay none will affect you as strongly as the murder in this movie, which horrifies precisely because Larry Clark and his actors have humanized these characters so thoroughly. They seem like people you know, like people you see on the street. Brad Renfro in particular is amazing. He's bottled up some pretty extreme emotions here, and you can see them boiling up to the surface. This film will shake you. 1155 Three Ages (1923) 1156 The Iron Giant (1999) 1157 Bullets Over Broadway (1994) 1158 Jonny Quest episode -- "House of the Seven Gargoyles" 1159 Cop Land (1997) 1160 The Fisher King 1161 Die Hard With a Vengeance 1162 The Brats 1163 The Shaggy D.A. (1976) 1164 any random episode of Arrested Development 1165 Darling 1166 Bottleneck 1167 Class Act (1992) 1168 Nine Queens (2000) I love movies about a con. The Sting, of course. But also Mamet's stuff. House of Games is terrific. Mamet has done two more films in the same vein, The Spanish Prisoner and Heist. In my opinion each one is more far-fetched than the last. I found Heist positively annoying in its improbability. Desperate to surprise us, Mamet sometimes resorts to abandoning plausability. "I knew you were going to double cross my double cross, so here's my quadruple cross! So there!" It's hard to write a good scam movie. So imagine my pleasure when I came across Nine Queens. It's a first time movie from an Argentinian, Fabian Bielinsky. The "nine queens" are a sheet of stamps. I don't want to say any more than that about the plot. The less you read about a scam movie beforehand, the more fun it is. It's a lot of fun. If you like a scam movie, you'll enjoy this. Hollywood remade it as Criminal. Not as much fun. Watch the original instead. 1169 Kill Bill Vol 1 (2003) The first hour of Kill Bill sucks mightily. Tarantino opens with a fight scene, with little or no character development. The fight scene is cool-looking, but without any emotional connections it doesn't really register. That lasts, I don't know, five or ten minutes. And then Uma--who does a great acting job, by the way--is in a coma. And they have flashbacks of her getting shot in the head, which is not pleasant. And there's a rape subplot that's played for laughs, believe it or not. Tarantino can't find the right tone for the movie, it veers horribly from very serious drama, to cartoon violence. Tarantino has also somehow lost the ability to write. I don't care, personally, where he gets his inspirations from. It's all right for me if he steals ideas from Hong Kong B movies. The point is that Tarantino takes these ideas and makes them his own, adding very witty and memorable dialog, and cool music, among other things. Well, Tarantino has lost his ability to do this. You won't hear people quoting memorable lines from Kill Bill, because there aren't any. Tarantino has lost his ability to write, apparently. And this is the second movie in a row in which he hasn't been able to pace well. No humor to speak of, either. I was frickin bored and contemplated walking out. The one cool bit in the first hour of the movie was when Lucy Liu was elected to the head of the Japanese underworld. That's right up there with De Niro playing Babe Ruth in The Untouchables. But it's only like five minutes. The rest of the hour drags, man. Ooh, a Japanese sword. Ooh, another one. Ooh, she sliced a baseball. Ooh, another Japanese sword. Ooh, a close-up of a Japanese sword. I'm sorry, I'm not a sword fetishist. I don't get off on this stuff. It's boring. Like listening to a gun nut go on and on and on about his Walther PPK. It's pretentious and lame. The anime sequence sucked, in my opinion. The whole movie is basically sucking hard. Even the music choices are horrible. What is that, bongo drums? Some screeching cat? Please turn off the music! And then... Uma goes into a little place called House of Blue Leaves. The last 40 minutes of the movie is the finest choreographed fight scene I've ever seen. Woo-ping Yuen has outdone himself. And Tarantino is back! Where the hell has he been? It's like night and day. The music is cool, the shots are cool, the cinematography, even the humor works. It's an amazing sequence of scenes, truly unforgetable. 1170 any random episode of Bat Masterson 1171 The Italian Job 1172 In the Land of Women 1173 Black Rain 1174 Medicine Man 1175 Dawn of the Dead (2004) Fast zombies! Man, those zombies are movin'. 1176 any random episode of Your Show of Shows 1177 Cat People (1942) Filmed in black and white, and there is some genuinely cool cinematography, particularly the shadows in the swimming pool scene. But I had a lot of trouble getting by the lame plot. European woman has a curse--whenever she has sex, she turns into a cat. Meow! So she marries this upright American boy, but refuses to have sex with him. Because she's scared she's going to claw him, or something. And no, nobody dresses like Catwoman. I wish! 1178 Patton (1970) 1179 Don't Look Now (1973) 1180 Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942) 1181 The Fireman’s Ball (1967) Milos Forman immigrated to the U.S., where he made One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Valmont, and Amadeus, among others. I think he made two foreign language films, Loves of a Blonde (brilliant) and this one (pretty good). Forman uses a lot of humor in his early stuff, which sets him apart from most of the European art crowd. This movie is eminently watchable, but it’s also a little cynical and jaded, too. He pretty much had to leave Czeckoslovakia after making this. 1182 Mr. Deeds Goes To Town (1936) 1183 Bloody Sunday (2002) Well, now I know what U2 is singing about. It's a pretty effective movie about the events leading up to 27 protesters being shot in Northern Ireland by British soldiers. Quite a powerful performance by the lead actor, whatshisname, playing Ivan somebody. I guess the reason you've heard of Gandhi and MLK, and haven't heard of Ivan whoever, is because he did a pisspoor job of keeping his protest non-violent. (Apparently it's undisputed that the Irish were throwing stones, and that at least a few of the marchers had guns). One thing this movie made me realize, is that the American civil rights movement did an absolutely amazing job of keeping violent elements out of their protests. I've always thought of King as being brave, and a fantastic orator, but it's never occurred to me before now that probably his greatest skill was his ability to organize. It's kind of scary what might have happened to our civil rights movement if King had failed in this regard. Anyway, it’s a fascinating movie. 1184 The Flower of Evil 1185 The Saint 1186 Dead Man Walking (1995) 1187 Columbo episode -- "A Friend in Deed" (1974) The police commissioner murders his wife and Columbo has to catch him. They kind of rip off Strangers on a Train here, but it’s still good. 1188 The Jewel of the Nile 1189 Identity (2004) Very atmospheric, acting is good, it's not your typical slasher flick, by any means. Sort of a cross between Se7en and Memento. They have a lot of fun with coincidences in this movie, and the basic idea is a little silly (in fact I laughed out loud in a few places), but the execution is excellent. Dialog is crisp and there are plenty of surprises. Even when I figured out the big surprise, I was still hit with a few other surprises. Well done, thumbs up, fun show. 1190 The Untouchables (1987) 1191 Blood: The Last Vampire 1192 Celebrity (1998) 1193 Lethal Weapon 2 1194 any random episode of Twin Peaks 1195 Star Trek II Not the best Star Trek movie, no way. For starters there is lots of unintentional humor in the movie. Kirstie Alley, in a horrible casting call, is a vulcan. It's like casting Norm as a Klingon. And possibly the worst actor in the universe is playing Captain Kirk's son. I understand casting a bad actor in the part--Captain Kirk's kid should be a bad actor. But at least cast a bad actor who sorta looks like Kirk. It's like Flash Gordon's kid got in this movie by mistake. Yo, Kirk, are you making your child support payments or what? And what's up with Mrs. Kirk? Obviously a really hostile divorce. "Stay away from me and my son, you overbearing ham!" And yet she defends Kirk throughout the movie, and frickin holds hands him with him as she shows him Genesis. Bizarre. That's the movie I want to see, by the way, Kirk vs. Kirk. Anyway, back to II. The CGI is horrible! When they go down to Khan's planet, the filmmakers turn on their Apple and run the wind/sand program, or some damn thing. It looks ridiculous. Big brown streaks run over the screen as the actors pretend they're walking into wind. Even funnier is "Genesis." I was expecting, I dunno, water and greenery. Instead they give us a really obvious two-dimensional matte painting, with blue streaks. And ex-wife handholding. Still love the alien bug in the ear bit. That's really gross and cool. And the way Khan describes it ("it gets bigger and bigger, and then it wraps itself around your cerebral cortex, and you go insane, and die!") it sounded like a serious problem. Well, guess what? It's not a problem. Later on the bug decides to climb out of Chekov's ear, apparently so Kirk can shoot it with a phaser. Well, hell, I could do that. What happened to "attached to the cerebral cortex"? The funniest bit though is when Chekov tells everybody that he's got this alien in his brain, and it's been telling him what to do. What's Kirk's reaction? Does he say, "Hey, Bones, we need to get this alien out of Chekov's brain"? No! He's like, "Oh really? Well, we've got other things to do." And then later on, when Chekov points the phaser at Kirk, I'm like, "Yeah, no kidding. Maybe next time when somebody tells you he's got an alien attached to his brain and it's telling him what to do, you'll listen." Acting all surprised. He frickin told you! Mr. Self-Absorbed Deadbeat Dad. And I haven't read the alien rulebook or anything, but I do have a question. How come when the alien attaches itself to your brain, you only listen to Khan? Why wouldn't you listen to just anybody? Like me, for instance. I'd be like, "hey, Chekov, don't point that phaser at me. Oh, and give me your cash." And of course we lose one of the extras. Early in the movie, Admiral Kirk is walking down the line, meeting the cadets, and he stops and asks this one cadet his name. "Opie," says the kid. Or whatever, I don't remember his name. Anyway, I said, "See ya, Opie, you're toast." And sure enough, later in the movie Opie suffers horrible third degree burns. Man! They lose more extras that way. And then, right after Kirk stops to talk to Opie in the sickbay, Opie lifts his burned, blackened third-degree well-done head off the table, says something noble, and I'm like, "well, you're going to die now, aren't ya," and he literally dies two seconds after I say it. Well, not literally. But the actor plays dead in a really horrible performance two seconds after I call it. Lemme tell ya, I like it better when the extras just get zapped, without the pathos. There are some highlights. Ricardo Montalban does a really good job. Aside from Nimoy, who rocks as usual, Montalban does the best acting in the movie. And the showdown between Montalban and Kirk in the two Starships is very good, lots of suspense. The music here rocks, awesome score. Fun dialog. The Enterprise is trying to contact the other, mysterious Starship and Khan says: "Let them eat static!" So the suspense is building and building, and you think Khan is going to destroy the Enterprise. Cause he's in another Starship and he's taking them by surprise. And then Khan says, "Raise shields." And over in the Enterprise Spock says, "Their shields are going up." Hello! That's when you raise your shields, right there! So then Khan says, "Lock phasers." And his assistant says, "Locking phasers on target." Meanwhile, the frickin Enterprise still doesn't have its shields up. Cripes, no wonder Kirk has to cheat on the simulation exercises. And then we cut to the Enterprise and Spock says, "Locking phasers." And then Kirk says, "Raise shields." I'm sorry, that's maybe the worst case of Starship captaining I've ever seen in my Star Trek-watching life. You wait until the phasers are locked to turn on the shields? What are you, a liberal? But I did like the uploading-a-program-to-turn-off-Khan's-shields bit. That was funny. I'm not sure it's good Starship design ("cripes, I hope nobody knows our secret code") but I liked it. Ol' Khan was so pissed. He thought he had him. By the way, how did Khan get on the starship in the first place? Last I saw, he was on Bad CGI Planet. How did you take it over? What did you do, ask the entire starship crew to stand still while you stuck aliens in their ears? And excuse me, but you have to go to school to learn how to run a Starship. You have to take classes, man. "Khan! Khan!" That line cracked me up. Dude, you're going to zap over to the Enterprise in like 20 minutes. Just cool it with the melodrama. "Khan! Khan!" While Montalban does a great acting job, it's hard to take him seriously once you realize he's got Christie McVie's hair. Or whatshername from Dynasty, Crystal. Cripes, those frosted bangs and the...what is that, a mullet? He's like a cross between Billy Ray Cyrus and the drummer for Duran Duran. I heard Khan was this close to playing for A Flock of Seagulls. He had the hair, anyway. They must have been getting the signals from MTV, circa 1982, on Bad CGI Planet. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." What is that, Karl Marx? Luckily they revisit this bad philosophy in the third one. Unfortunately that movie's an even bigger stinker. This one's not a stinker, but it is funny. Best one? Four. Or maybe six. You're better off with the evens, avoid the odds. 1196 28 Days 1197 National Treasure 1198 Living in Oblivion (1995) 1199 Book of Love 1200 Pitch Black 1201 Serenity (2005) 1202 Anastasia 1203 Jonny Quest episode -- "Turu the Terrible" 1204 Romeo is Bleeding 1205 Lethal Weapon 4 (1989) 1206 House Party (1989) 1207 24 Hour Party People 1208 The Animatrix I was kind of surprised they didn't release this in the theaters, and take advantage of that Matrix mania. It's a series of nine shorts, a couple of which were written by the Wachowski brothers. The first short has unbelievably realistic animation. It was done by the guys who did Final Fantasy. They've gotten even better at it. Awesome animation, awesome short. Interestingly, this anime is not Japanese, but American. The other eight shorts are a mixed bag. They're all Japanese, with sometimes radically different animation. All the stories are vaguely Matrix related. A few of them have the idea of making the machines sympathetic. A couple of others deal with the theme of breaking free of the Matrix. None of them are really great, but all are fairly interesting, and the animation is cool. 1209 Freaky Friday 1210 The Crying Game 1211 Bullitt 1212 Eurotrip 1213 Under Siege 1214 The Absent-Minded Professor (1961) 1215 Much Ado About Nothing (1993) 1216 The Big Chill 1217 Superman II (1980) 1218 Charlie Chan at the Olympics 1219 The End of Summer 1220 Fahrenheit 451 (1967) 1221 Jonny Quest episode -- "Shadow of the Condor" 1222 Daredevil 1223 Lenny (1974) 1224 Goodbye Mr. Chips (1939) 1225 My Favorite Year (1982) 1226 There Goes the Neighborhood 1227 Columbo episode -- "The Greenhouse Jungle" Ray Milland is a very funny bad guy, stiff and mean. 1228 Downfall 1229 Kuffs 1230 The Avengersepisode -- "How To Succeed...At Murder" 1231 Backbeat 1232 Barefoot in the Park (1967) 1233 Shadow of the Vampire 1234 The Glass Key 1235 Lawrence of Arabia Four hours! Oh my God, it's four hours. That's longer than the frickin' Super Bowl, man. And I already know who's going to win. You ever try to watch a Super Bowl when you already know who's going to win? Good luck with that. I knew it was long but four hours. My butt is molting to the chair. I think I just said my butt is losing feathers. Four hours! Dude. And it's all sand. It's sand sand sand sand. And sand sand sand sand. I'll bet this movie was secretly financed by the Coca-cola corporation. Sand sand sand sand. "I'm so thirsty. Why am I so thirsty?" For the intermission and the six dollar Coca-cola. Yeah, okay, it's awesome. It's epic. It's bigger than anything ever made. Lawrence lights a match and the flame becomes the sun. Nice cut! (Hey, keep cutting. Cut some more). Just shut up, Carmichael. Respect the massive achievement. Okay, okay. It's a classic. (Mark Twain's definition of a classic: "a book everybody owns and nobody reads"). So I guess I'll just buy it and put it on my shelf and never watch it again. I saw it. Why do I have to see it again? I saw it. I saw the whole thing. It's an awesome and amazing classic. Just don't make me watch it again, okay? Please. Sand sand sand sand. I kinda think this is Art as Oppression. When we're introduced to Lawrence of Arabia, he's burning his own arm like he's G. Gordon Liddy, or that moron from Lethal Weapon. What a man. This movie is like that arm burn. David Lean is making us watch for four hours, so we know how serious he is. Watch Lawrence of Arabia, it's good for you. Suffer! Art is not fun. Art is serious. And painful. You should take all the chairs out of the theatre, David. Make us stand at attention. And salute. Suffer! Suffer for Cinema! This film is like a short, zippy version of Greed, Erich von Stroheim's nine-hour movie. Imagine some maniac in a monocle demanding that you watch his art with him. von Stroheim: "Stand and watch my cinema." movie executive: "I got to pee." von Stroheim: "Hold your urine like a man!" Compared to von Stroheim, David Lean is a little wussy boy. I think for some filmmakers, movie length has something to do with penis size. Epic! You will watch my four hour epic in the sand! You know how many women are in this movie? Zero. I feel like I've been sentenced to the English branch of the French Foreign Legion. How about an oasis with a woman? A beautiful woman? Somethin'. Garden of Eden, that's what I want to see. With a nude woman and an apple. I know, I know. Who needs a woman in cinema? Women are for the weak. What I need is sand sand sand sand. Hey, sometimes cool art doesn't have any women. 12 Angry Men. No women. (I bet that's why they're angry). And a lot of war movies don't have any women. But what kind of war movie are you going to have in the sand? Sand is the worst. You can't do anything in sand. You ever try to eat at the beach? Sand. You ever try to have sex on the beach? Sand. And Lawrence of Arabia has soft sand. It's not Omaha Beach sand. Omaha Beach has good, Saving Private Ryan sand. I'll bet you don't even remember the sand in Saving Private Ryan. In this movie, you remember the sand. The sand is a major character. It is serious, sinky slow sand. You want to fight in this sand? It's like fighting a war in flip-flps. Great movie. Classic movie. Not a fun movie. You know why nobody's lining up to vacation in the desert? Cause of all the damn sand, that's why. So understand, we're not on a vacation. It's not a fun trip. It's Lawrence! Of Arabia! And sand sand sand sand. 1236 Superbad 1237 Columbo episode: "Prescription: Murder" 1238 Six Days, Seven Nights 1239 Dodgeball 1240 Intacto (2001) 1241 A Slight Case of Murder (2002) 1242 Hot Shots! (1991) 1243 Animal Crackers 1244 Chicken Run (2000) 1245 Hoodwinked 1246 Follow the Fleet (1936) 1247 Innerspace (1987) 1248 Lethal Weapon 1249 Day of the Jackal (1973) 1250 Flowers of St. Francis 1251 Ghostbusters (1984) 1252 La Femme Nikita 1253 Bulldog Drummond Escapes 1254 Cars (2006) 1255 Van Wilder 1256 Short Cuts (1993) 1257 The Eel 1258 Alphaville (1965) 1259 Hell in the Pacific (1968) A great Lee Marvin movie that too few people have seen. With my favorite Japanese actor, Toshiro Mifune. If you hate subtitles, well, there are no subtitles. (The downside is you have no idea what the hell Mifune is saying). Set during World War II, it's mano a mano on the island. It doesn't get more primitive than this. 1260 Kind Hearts and Coronets 1261 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days 1262 Phar Lap (1983) 1263 Walk the Line (2005) 1264 Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987) 1265 Three O'Clock High 1266 Diamonds Are Forever (1971) 1267 Being There I think there might be a religious component to the movie. For instance, you have a major character named "Eve." I doubt that's a coincidence. And I suspect that this movie, like The Manchurian Candidate, is one of those films that says one thing, but is actually saying something quite different. The Peter Sellers' character, Chance, is an odd duck. Like he was dropped on his head as a small child. But he might be divine, too. If Chance is divine, then this adds another layer of humor to the movie. For instance, Chance likes to watch TV. It's one of his favorite things to do. "I like to watch." Perhaps the filmmakers are making a joke here. God invented the world and the universe and the people because, well, it gives Him something to do. God likes to watch. So, as Chance likes to watch TV, God likes to watch the world. Then of course there's the scene where Eve tries to seduce Chance. Again, if Chance's character is divine, this is funny. "Don't you want to have sex with me? Don't you want to fall?" And Chance says, "I like to watch." Which of course Eve, oh that earthy Eve, takes to mean that she should masturbate on the floor. Chance is a gardener, who waters plants and helps things grow. In keeping with the divine interpretation, his character suggests the Garden of Eden, before man's fall. And of course there's that ending, which is what inspires this speculation in the first place. 1268 The Hudsucker Proxy (1994) 1269 Enemy of the State 1270 Hype! (1992) 1271 The Frighteners (1996) 1272 Splash 1273 Friday Night Lights 1274 Secret Admirer (1985) 1275 American Beauty (1999) 1276 Kikujiro (1999) 1277 Bugsy 1278 4 Little Girls (1997) 1279 Absence of Malice 1280 Michael Collins 1281 The Secret of My Success 1282 Outside Providence 1283 Seems Like Old Times (1980) 1284 No Way Out 1285 The Ref 1286 The House of Yes (1997) 1287 any random episode of Moonlighting 1288 Knocked Up 1289 Far and Away 1290 O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) 1291 Rosemary’s Baby 1292 Strange Brew 1293 Chicago (2002) 1294 The Enforcer (1976) 1295 Citizen Cohn 1296 Shaun of the Dead (2004) 1297 Night of the Iguana 1298 Flushed Away 1299 Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby 1300 any random episode of The Amazing Spider-Man. Neat cartoon from the '60's. Cooler than any of the movies, I say. 1301 Drunken Master II (1994) 1302 Tokyo Twilight 1303 You Can Count On Me This is a neat little family drama, something my mom would like. It's a little slow in the beginning. A single mom invites her wayward, potsmoking brother (Mark Ruffalo) to stay with her and her son for awhile. She's a bit of a goody two-shoes, played wonderfully by Laura Linney. And Mark Ruffalo is awesome as her brother. She's not perfect, she's having an affair with her uptight boss, Matthew Broderick. And the kid is played by one of the Culkin boys (they breed like rabbits, those Culkins). Anyway, once it gets going it's really watchable. A nice little story for adults. 1304 Author! Author! (1982) 1305 Finding Neverland (2004) 1306 I Love You Man 1307 Be Kind Rewind 1308 any random episode of Veronica Mars 1309 Columbo episode: "Dagger of the Mind" Columbo in merry old England, showing Scotland Yard how to do it. 1310 Fool's Gold 1311 Kramer vs. Kramer (1979) 1312 Au Revoir Les Enfants (1987) 1313 Spartacus (1960) 1314 Just Cause 1315 Gran Torino One of the things that I liked about this movie is how racist it is. It's startling, shocking, made me laugh. I don't say things like Eastwood's character does, in part because I'm not a racist--or at least I try not to be a racist--but also because talking like that leads to strife and violence. So that's an interesting aspect to this character. He's looking for a war. He's inviting a war. He wants to die. The film defines a multi-racial universe, with races vying for supremacy. Eastwood's character is completely at home with white people, and is annoyed with white people who have moved away--who give up the turf--or are now working for the enemy (Toyota). Eastwood lives in a bad neighborhood, one with a lot of gangs--all separated along racial lines--but he has no interest in moving away. He's not looking for a fight, but he welcomes it when it shows up at his door. And it's just funny as he debates with himself if he's going to rescue the Hmong girl. It's not the fight that he's worried about--he likes war, and scaring people, plus he's got that death wish. He hesitates because if he saves her, all those damn Hmongs will be over at his house, with their gook food, and he'll never get rid of them. Sometimes I think the racism is just a pose the character puts up to start a fight. "What do you want, old man?" "Just checking up on the spooks." Other times you feel his racism, and his isolation. "What happened to my (white) doctor?" It's a very brave film. Eastwood is vile for maybe half of it, and he's drawing on reservoirs of good will established over decades of work. The racial insults are inventive, creative, shockingly funny. But the character is a mean old crank, and scary evil. He's suspicious of all other cultures and annoyed at any white person who gives up the fight. He is redeemed, yes, and we get a peek at his self-hatred. He wants absolution, but not from the priest. It would be glib coming from the priest. He wants absolution from the boy. It's an ugly, funny, humanizing little movie, provocative and a little scary. 1316 Scream 1317 Inside Man 1318 Seconds (1966) It's a horror film, but not an obvious one. More like an R-rated Twilight Zone episode. It's directed by John Frankenheimer. It's not his best movie, that would be The Manchurian Candidate. But it's a good movie. Cinematography is exceptional. James Wong Howe (who handled d.p. chores in Hud) is in fine form here. The movie is uneven in places. By that I mean, it's a paranoid thriller, that nonetheless has an extended scene with a naked orgy in a tub of grapes. Frankenheimer shot it in such a way that you're a little freaked out by the whole thing. Yes, you get the lust, but there's also something a little scary and dehumanizing about the orgy, a feeling Frankenhesimer captures, I think. This is a movie about not belonging, about feeling displaced and lost. Very thought-provoking film, and quite original. It's one of those movies I like more, the more I think about it. And it stays with you, as some of the images and ideas are quite original. And yes, Rock Hudson is in it, and yes, he's quite good. You probably want to avoid reaidng too much about this film. I'm not sure you want to know what "Seconds" are, for example. 1319 My Bodyguard 1320 Open Water (2003) I liked it, cool movie. The rest of my family hated it, and we were the only ones in the theater. It's not half as scary as Jaws, probably because of the lack of a strong score. I don't even remember if Open Water had a score at all. On the other hand, it's a lot better than Blair Witch, the other movie it gets compared to. Narratively, the story is simplistic and bare bones. Couple of scuba divers are left behind in the ocean. And then the sharks show up. That's pretty much the story. So it's a little long in parts, even though the actual running time is shorter than 90 minutes. On the plus side, the cinematography is often gorgeous, and the movie has a very realistic vibe. Not a lot of scary jump moments, but it's definitely an effective horror film. I missed the nude scene, by the way, because I was off getting nachos. $(+!

B- (300) 1321 Straw Dogs (1971) 1322 Goodfellas I felt superior to the protagonist right away. "I always wanted to be a gangster." Right away I decided, wow, what a moron. He says it the same way somebody might say "rock star". He's a mafia fanboy. He sees them as celebrities. So he's a doofus, like somebody geeking on Britney. I wonder how much Scorsese himself is like this? Our celebrity culture is retarded. Transporting this attitude to hit men and pimps is kinda bizarre and interesting. It's like the Mickey Mouse club for scumbags. Scorsese's film ignores The Godfather completely. His film is far more realistic, a throwback to the gritty gangster dramas of the '30's, Scarface and White Heat and Public Enemy. Nonetheless Scorsese humanizes his protagonist somewhat, making him kind of sappy. The earlier gangster films showcased hardened, brutal killers. Here we see a guy just starting out. He's like some loser kid in high school who just wants to be a part of the cool crowd. Coppola's film works better than Scorsese's film because his gangsters are more noble. We like them more. We suffer with them. Scorsese's film features gangsters who betray each other all throughout the movie. They turn on each other like rats. By the end of the movie, Ray Liotta is in Suburbia Hell. It's like he's been sentenced to a not-so-cool spot in the school cafeteria. He used to sit at the table with all the cool kids. But he got tired of all the backstabbing. He's realized those cool kids are superficial and mean. So he stabbed them in the back. And now he can't sit with them anymore. 1323 Jonny Quest episode -- "Dragons of Ashida" (1964) 1324 The Attack of the Clones 1325 Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000) 1326 Zelig (1983) 1327 Backdraft 1328 Dirty Rotten Scoundrels 1329 Ghost World (2001) 1330 Elephant 1331 White Squall (1996) 1332 Pickup on South Street (1953) Dark little thing from Sam Fuller, one of his better movies. Very cynical, very fun B picture. Fuller made this in the height of McCarthy hysteria. Communist agents are passing government secrets to one another. Unfortunately for them, Skip McCoy, scumbag pickpocket, picks the pocket of the Communist spy on the subway. So the feds are trying to track Skip down, while he's trying to sell the secrets back to the spies, without getting killed or arrested. Great dialog. G-man: "If you refuse to cooperate you'll be as guilty as the traitors who gave Stalin the A-bomb." Skip McCoy: "Are you waving the flag at me?" And then later, the stoolie played by whatshername from Rear Window says: Moe Williams: "What's the matter with you? Playing footsie with the Commies!" Skip McCoy: "You waving the flag, too?" Moe Williams: "Listen, I knew you since you was a little kid. You was always a regular kind of crook. I never figured you for a louse." The great Fuller movie is still Shock Corridor, but this is right up there. 1333 The Avengers episode -- "Castle De’ath" 1334 Camille Claudel 1335 Acting on Impulse 1336 Fallen Angel 1337 About Adam 1338 Out Cold 1339 He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not 1340 She's the Man 1341 Hitch I'm a fan of Will Smith, I think he's a natural comic actor. It's really kind of shocking that this is his first rom-com. Basically two plot threads, Will helping the fat King of Queens guy hook up with some babe who is so out of his league, and then Will trying to romance this reporter while everything goes wrong for him. It's a sweet, romantic movie. You get a sense that there was a darker subtext here at one point. Smith was rejected in college (Smith is hysterical as a nerd), and the implication is that he no longer falls in love himself. If you follow that implication, then when Smith dates, it's not for love, he's using women for sex. But the movie omits all of this, clearly portraying Smith's character as a nice, romantic guy. (He rejects a client who wants Smith's help in getting laid). So the third act resolution falls kinda flat because the movie never shows us Smith's dark side. So the movie kind of wimped out. It could have been darker, passionate, with real emotions. In other words, a really awesome flick. As it is it's a nice likable rom-com. But it's not going to touch you deeply and you probably won't remember it ten years from now. 1342 Confidence 1343 Heartbreakers 1344 Jonny Quest episode -- "Skull and Double Cross Bones" (1964) 1345 The Pink Panther 1346 The Duelists (1977) 1347 The President's Analyst 1348 Live Free or Die Hard 1349 The Scarlet Pimpernel: Mademoiselle Guillotine 1350 Without a Clue (1988) 1351 On Her Majesty's Secret Service 1352 Cypher 1353 Mr. Arkadin 1354 The Titfield Thunderbolt 1355 Road to Rio 1356 Howl's Moving Castle 1357 Batman: Mask of Phantasm 1358 Green Street Hooligans 1359 Jonny Quest episode -- "Terror Island" 1360 Daisy Miller (1974) 1361 Gidget 1362 Thank You For Smoking 1363 My Life As a Dog 1364 The Upside of Anger 1365 Gallipoli (1981) 1366 The Hidden Fortress (1962) 1367 any random episode of Secret Agent 1368 Toy Story 2 (1999) 1369 1941 1370 The Avengers episode -- "A Touch of Brimstone" 1371 Stripes (1981) 1372 After Dark, My Sweet 1373 Time After Time 1374 Samurai Rebellion 1375 History of the World, Part I 1376 Talk Radio 1377 Spider-Man 1378 Decision Before Dawn 1379 Tommy Boy (1995) 1380 Can't Buy Me Love 1381 Blood and Concrete: A Love Story 1382 They Were Expendable The structure is bad, Robert Montgomery is a completely passive protagonist. John Wayne in the second banana role? Whose bright idea was that? There are some great quiet moments in the film. Donna Reed, taking a few minutes to look pretty. The two soldiers who have to get off the plane. Those are some great, subtle points about duty and sacrifice. All the men who miss their women and their families, because they're fighting a war. But there is no story, really, just a bunch of unconnected scenes. Ford impresses because there’s zero macho attitude in his movies, it’s all quiet seriousness. So even a subpar Ford is far more interesting than another guy’s war movie. 1383 Main Hori Na 1384 Citizen X 1385 Marathon Man (1976) 1386 I, Robot 1387 Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) My first Russ Meyer flick, written by Roger Ebert. Bad. Really bad. So horribly, truly bad that it's kinda awesome. A seriously quotable movie, too. "This is my happening and it freaks me out!" "You're a moonchild. And you're a bitch!" "You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime." "You will drink the black sperm of my vengeance." Good stuff, in a really awful sort of way. And there are two commentaries, one by Ebert, the other by all the actors. No clue why Rocky Horror became Rocky Horror and this movie went nowheresville. It's odder and funnier than Rocky Horror, I think. 1388 The Muppet Movie 1389 The Family Game (1983) 1390 Malice 1391 Jonny Quest episode -- "Calcutta Adventure" 1392 Rush Hour 1393 The Longest Day (1962) 1394 Castle Keep 1395 Zero Effect 1396 Picture Perfect 1397 How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days 1398 Miracle Beach 1399 The Long Good Friday 1400 In Bruges 1401 Holy Mountain Religious, arty, and surreal Mexican occult film, upset Mexico so much the filmmaker had to flee to New York city. Hysterically funny in places. I don't know what's weirder, watching the movie or watching the movie with Jodoworsky's commentary. George Harrison wanted to act in the movie, but he didn't want to show his anus in close-up. So they had to go with a no-name actor instead. My favorite scene was when the Nazi guy, who was afraid of being castrated, had a vision where his mama was in a tree with a bunch of dead chickens, and she cuts his balls off with a big sword, and then he's in the chicken tree bleeding with the dead chickens. (On the commentary the director referred to "castrated chickens," so I guess he's not a veterinarian). I also like the scene with the old man with breasts, and the breasts turn into leapord heads, and then the leapord heads start shooting out, I dunno, cream, maybe? I also like the scene where the woman with the giant dildo gives the giant computer a giant orgasm, and a little baby computer is born. It's a hysterical, silly, ridiculous, fascinating and weird film. 1402 Roger Dodger 1403 How To Draw a Bunny 1404 Love and Death 1405 Fantastic Four 1406 Made in America 1407 Paper Moon (1973) Pretty good movie from Peter Bogdanovich, starring Ryan O'Neal and his daughter Tatum (who, I think, won the Oscar for her performance). Gorgeous black and white cinematography, and nice acting from the father and daughter. It's hard to believe that Tatum O'Neal never had a great acting career. As a child actress she was really strong. I was never a fan of The Last Picture Show. Bogdanovich is not a dramatic guy and really can't do suspense. But he has a sure hand with comedy. Here he attempts a gentle comedy about a couple of con artists. He has a light touch that serves him well. It’s not a laugh riot, but it’s sweet, amusing, and beautifully shot. 1408 Tropic of Thunder 1409 Indictment: The McMartin Trial 1410 20 Dates 1411 Reversal of Fortune 1412 The Ipcress File 1413 Funny Farm 1414 Back To School (1986) 1415 Defending Your Life 1416 Cahill, U.S. Marshall 1417 Rapid Fire 1418 My Life 1419 Searching For Bobby Fischer 1420 Good Night and Good Luck (2005) 1421 Young Sherlock Holmes 1422 Scary Movie 1423 Heaven Help Us (1985) 1424 Fitzcarraldo 1425 Seinfeld episode -- "The Puffy Shirt" (1993) 1426 We're No Angels (1989) 1427 Liar, Liar 1428 The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982) 1429 Still of the Night 1430 Forces of Nature 1431 After the Wedding 1432 any random episode of Rome 1433 A Slight Case of Murder (1938) 1434 Matchstick Men 1435 Twilight It's a chick flick for romantic girls. It's about a vampire and a girl and their forbidden love. And it's so damn funny. It's not a bad movie. It's not incomptent. I'm the wrong demographic, that's all. Even grown women like this movie. I was mocking this movie to three women recently and they all looked at me like I was stupid boy. I made 'em laugh anyway, but you could tell they thought I was out of my mind. I was giggling all the way through this movie. I was talking to the screen. If I saw this thing in the theater there would have been a girl riot. I could not shut up. What cracks me up, okay, it's this vampire-girl relationship. He wants this girl. She's like ribeye to him, okay? That's what gave me the giggles. Once you accept the vampire mindset, well, she's a ribeye, right? And once you see her as a ribeye, it's hard to keep a straight face. I mean, the whole movie, he's like, "I want to kiss the ribeye. Oh, I love that ribeye. Let me smell the ribeye. I just want to lick the ribeye. Can't eat the ribeye. Don't eat the ribeye! Oh but it smells so good. I just want to lick the ribeye again. Oh no, the ribeye's sitting next to me. Now the ribeye's smelling herself because she's worried she's got b.o. But you smell so good, ribeye. I just want to eat you up. Oh, you sexy, sexy ribeye. Kiss the ribeye. Kiss the ribeye!" Once you start seeing her as a ribeye--which, as a guy, you're probably going to do this, right? I mean, what are you going to do, take the girl's point of view? Once you start seeing her as a ribeye, I swear, try not to laugh. He's all moping around, hungry, but he can't avoid the ribeye cause she's right there. And the ribeye's going, "Eat me! I want you to chew me up. It's okay. Don't you want my red meat? I'm sexy ribeye." And he's like, "I'm a vegetarian." But that steak smells so good, and it's rare. You know you want that steak! Not only was I laughing all the way through the damn thing--which I'm pretty sure is not the filmmaker's intent--I had to go get a steak dinner afterwards. I mean, I just had to. I was hungry, damn it. So it's not an incompetent movie. I mean, I totally got the vampire's point of view, in a way I've never done before. It just gave me the giggles, that's all. Sort of like that Smiths album, Meat is Murder, when the cows start to moo? It cracks me up. What do you want, I'm an evil vampire. It's so hard to be good. Ummmm, steak. Dude, it's so not a date movie. Get you in trouble movie is what it is. But funny, damn funny. 1436 The Avengers episode -- "The 13th Hole" 1437 Tell No One 1438 Roxanne (1987) 1439 L.A. Confidential (1997) 1440 Dirty Pretty Things (2002) 1441 The Shining 1442 Mr. Brooks 1443 Panic Room 1444 The Desert Rats 1445 Chances Are 1446 Hard Rain 1447 The ABC Murders 1448 The Man in the White Suit (1952) 1449 Ruthless People 1450 Yo, Cuba (1964) Translated into English it is I, Cuba, but Yo, Cuba is a lot funnier. Yo, Cuba, how ya doin'? Anyway, the movie starts off with the island talking to us, telling us a story of oppression and imperialism. Some gullible twerps think this message is important. For instance, the New York Times guy writes of a "kaleidoscopic expose of Batista's Cuba...whose inequalities are flamboyantly juxtaposed by a perpetually moving camera as it reveals the conflicting lifestyles of the monied elite and the barely subsisting underclass." Yeah, okay. A totalitarian dictator in military fatigues who plans the economy for everyone will fix that right up. I am blown away when a cynical man like Michael Moore flies over to Cuba to show how superior their health care is to our own. And he knows it's wonderful cause the nice man in the Cuban government told him it was. This is the government you trust, the unelected one? Just think, if George W. Bush had put on some military fatigues, seized power, outlawed the opposition party, closed down all the newspapers, threw all the independent filmmakers in jail, shut off the internet, and closed the borders so nobody could escape, Michael Moore would make a fawning documentary about how wonderful our health care is. Cause he saw the nice government hospital and read the nice government statistics. To me, the movie's attempt to indoctrinate us is obvious and annoying. It's not as bad as Soviet propaganda from the 1930's, but bad enough. What makes this film kinda cool is not the Marx--unless of course you're a writer for the New York Times--but the images and the shots. Hey, the camera just walked into a swimming pool. Cool. 1451 The Pelican Brief 1452 On Guard 1453 Role Models 1454 Pipeline Masters 1455 Beat the Devil (1953) 1456 Kill Bill, Volume 2 (2004) 1457 Around the World in 80 Days 1458 Kill! 1459 Holiday Inn 1460 The Wrong Box (1966) This is the second Dudley Moore/Peter Cook movie I've seen. Not as scathingly brilliant as Bedazzled, but it's quite good. Also stars a very young-looking Michael Caine. It takes place in the 19th century. A bunch of rich people decide to have a tontine. So they each put in some money, and the last heir to survive gets all the money. People in the tontine die one by one, and eventually it goes down to two old guys, brothers who hate each other. And they have relatives who really need that money. So we have a lot of dark humor, murder attempts and body-snatching, some business about losing the body and he's not really dead, and they chase each other in their hearses, and interrupt a funeral. It's pretty funny, actually. 1461 Timeline 1462 Bell, Book, and Candle (1958) 1463 Gun Shy 1464 Unfaithful 1465 The Cannonball Run 1466 Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift 1467 Scary Movie 2 1468 Singles 1469 Biloxi Blues 1470 Sudden Death 1471 The Love Parade 1472 Suddenly (1954) 1473 We Are Marshall 1474 The Jerk 1475 Starship Troopers 1476 32 Short Films About Glenn Gould 1477 Shallow Hal 1478 Jonny Quest episode -- "The Dreadful Doll" 1479 My First Mister It's a bit maudlin, but it made me cry so I give it its props. The best acting by Albert Brooks, ever, without a doubt. All the acting is superb, actually. The plot's a little hokey, but I really enjoyed watching these characters trying to make emotional connections. Christine Lahti directed this, I plan on keeping an eye out for her future stuff. A chick flick with a cussing Goth girl. 1480 To Live and Die in L.A 1481 Last of the Mohicans 1482 Dead Again (1991) 1483 Basic Instinct 1484 Les Bonnes Femmes 1485 A Midsummer's Night Sex Comedy (1982) 1486 Before Sunset Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. Linklater is an interesting filmmaker in that he's done several movies that consist almost entirely of people talking. I think the two that work best are Waking Life and Slacker. In those two films the talking tends to be either philosophical or crazy (or both). Plus those films are visually fascinating, particularly Waking Life. He's made two other talking films that don't work quite as well, Before Sunrise and its sequel, Before Sunset. The talking here is much more like the talking on a date. Before Sunset is just like the first one, except in that one it was nice girl/mean boy. Now it's sensitive man/neurotic woman. On the other hand, what makes this one a little more interesting is the fascinating idea of revisiting characters, to see how they've aged. It gives them a kind of added depth, and along with shooting in real time, this makes the characters and their story seem highly realistic. The acting is good, particularly Delpy. Basically though, this isn't cinema, it's not a movie, it's not the power of the visual image. You wonder why Linklater doesn't just write a frickin book if all you wanna do is talk talk talk talk talk. 1487 10 Items or Less 1488 any random episode of Battlestar Galactica 1489 Hotel de Love 1490 Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest 1491 My Best Fiend: Klaus Kinski 1492 X-Men: The Last Stand 1493 Arachnophobia 1494 Titanic 1495 Daddy Day Care I liked it. The kids are adorable, and the chaos is funny. (Movie slows down in the final act, but the first two acts are quite good). I would call it a Disney version of Animal House. It's a much sweeter movie, of course, but lots of potty humor. I find the politics of the film interesting. The movie takes subtle shots at workaholic parents, and in particular parents who try too hard to improve their kids, rather than just loving them as they are. The bad girl in the movie, Anjelica Huston, plays an OCD daycare owner. All her kids sit in obediant little lines with their spotless uniforms, soaking up culture and five different foreign languages. The movie unmistakably portrays her as the bad authority figure. Instead, the movie argues that kids should be kids, without being rushed to adulthood, and adult disciplines. This is Animal House 101--it's better to be wild and free than to toe the party line. With our society tranquilizing kids to a really horrible degree, I have to say I admire the underlying sympathies of the film. And I'm an OCD guy. I say OCD in art is good. Make it better. Improve it. But OCD in kid-raising is not good. (Yeah yeah, I'm ranking the OCD now). The awesome thing about OCD, if your OCD is a problem, you can always turn your OCD on the OCD. Organize your OCD. Get in line, OCD. Go sit in a corner, OCD. Whip that OCD. Hi-ya! The kids in this movie are so cute and adorable. Little kid's dressed like Flash. How can you improve on that? While at the same time, these kids are horrible little bombthrowing anarchists. Murphy's inability to control the kids is what makes this movie funny. (One of the jokes in the movie, in fact, is that the two daddies in charge of day care need "ritalin and leashes"). How much control should you exert over children? How much freedom should you give them? I agree with the movie. Kids should be kids. Family is more important than work. Love is more important than discipline. At its heart, it's a childish movie. Many people consider that a sort of insult, or inappropriate for adults. But I think anybody who enjoys childish behavior, or children, will enjoy the movie. 1496 Very Bad Things 1497 Never Been Kissed 1498 Heart and Souls 1499 Daylight 1500 The Weather Underground 1501 Terror by Night 1502 The Cutting Edge 1503 The Terminator 1504 Man on Fire 1505 Jagged Edge 1506 Ghost 1507 True Romance 1508 Match Point 1509 The Flamingo Kid (1984) 1510 Crossfire 1511 Lust, Caution 1512 Species 1513 The Producers (2006) 1514 Jonny Quest episode: "The Fraudulent Volcano" 1515 Firefox 1516 Decalog: Eight (1988) A professor of ethics has a visitor from her past, who wants to ask her some questions about what she did during the Nazi occupation. It's pretty good, a little talky. 1517 Idle Hands 1518 City Slickers 1519 Herbie Goes Bananas 1520 Gattaca 1521 Broken Arrow 1522 Under Fire 1523 The Bounty 1524 Slums of Beverly Hills 1525 Le Boucher (1969) 1526 For Your Eyes Only 1527 any random Donald Duck cartoon 1528 A Grand Day Out 1529 Only You 1530 The Avengers episode -- "Honey For the Prince" 1531 any random episode of Alias. Double cross? Boring. How about triple cross? Oh no, quadruple cross! "My father is a double agent and a secret mole, but I'm actually a brainwashed spy for this terrorist organization, one that is secretly funded by Mom, who's definitely CIA, except its black ops and not to be trusted. Plus my sister is the former KGB super spy who now might be on our side, unless she's not, which maybe you could figure out except for my plastic surgery clone running around poisoning people, and damn my amnesia anyway." 1532 Eddie Murphy: Delirious 1533 Columbo episode: "Double Exposure" Robert Culp again, as a advertising executive who uses subliminal advertising to kill. 1534 Pearl of Death 1535 Oedipus Wrecks (1989) 1536 Final Destination 1537 Nobody's Fool 1538 The Big Blue 1539 Billabong Odyssey 1540 Eastern Promises 1541 Disturbia 1542 Proof of Life 1543 Stardust Memories 1544 Music Box 1545 Seinfeld episode -- "The Soup Nazi" (1995) 1546 Killer's Kiss 1547 Columbo episode: "Suitable for Framing" Columbo goes up against a smug art critic. 1548 Unleashed 1549 Disclosure 1550 Return of the Jedi Ewoks! Cute, furry, fierce warrior Ewoks. Frickin' armed teddy bears. And the Death Star is Under Construction. "We're building it, we're building our weapon. You're gonna be in so much trouble once we finish building our weapon." 1551 On Any Given Sunday 1552 Wings of Desire (1987) 1553 Sidewalks of New York 1554 The Avengers episode -- "The Master Minds" 1555 Outbreak 1556 9 ½ Weeks 1557 Terminator II 1558 Jumper 1559 Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) Cary Grant and his homicidal aunts. I personally think Grant hams it up in this, but it's still kinda fun. 1560 Barbershop 1561 Destry Rides Again (1939) 1562 L.A. Story 1563 Big Mama's House 1564 American Gangster 1565 Cutthroat Island Way cool mindless action flick. It's an old-fashioned pirate movie. Except it's got Geena Davis in the Errol Flynn role. She looks pretty darn good, but oh, what a horrible actress. Matthew Modine plays himself (again), and Frank Langella hams it up as the evil pirate. The dialog is cheesy and bad, but the stunts are amazing and the score just sweeps you off your feet. They spent $90 million making this movie, and you can see all those dollars on the screen. Really spectacular stuff. Flopped big time on its release, making only $11 million or so. (Ouch!) But it's a darn fun movie. Probably the best mindless action flick Renny Harlin has done--even more fun than Deep Blue Sea. I don't think they used much of that $90 million for actors, or for the guy who wrote the dialog. But they hired a hell of a lot of stunt people. And I think they built a couple of pirate ships and blew the hell out of one of them. And I can't say enough good things about the score--it grips you and doesn't let go. Harlin really does have the knack for filming stunt scenes. The pacing is quick, one stunt after another. And yeah, they have a treasure map, and yeah, there's a guy with a pegleg. Nobody says "Avast, ye mateys!" though. I wish they did. It's wonderful light escapist entertainment. Anyway, if you're up for a swashbuckling adventure yarn, give your brain a rest and check this one out. 1566 The Spanish Prisoner 1567 Bye Bye Love 1568 Casino Royale 1569 The Karate Kid 1570 Transporter 2 1571 Out of Time Denzel plays a chief of police in a small town on the Florida keys. I won't even describe the plot because it might take away some of the fun. I'll just say, an innocent man wrongly accused. The basic Hitchcock theme. The noose is getting tighter and tighter around Denzel's neck, and the fun is watching him slip out of trouble. Dean Cain is really good as the bad guy. And Eva Mendes is waaaaaaaaay hot. 1572 The Grifters 1573 Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day 1574 Win a Date With Tad Hamilton! 1575 Body Heat (1981) 1576 L'Avventura When this film premiered at Cannes, people in the audience jeered. "Cut!" they would yell at the screen (presumably in French). In the 1960 Sight & Sound poll, however, it was voted the #3 movie of all time. Oddly enough, I think both camps are kinda right. The film is too long, by about 45 minutes (clocking in at 2:20 minutes). At the 1:30 mark, I started looking at the digital readout on my DVD player, thinking, "well, it will be over soon." Fifty minutes later, I'm about to write a letter to the editor or something. It just goes on and on and on. Antonioni has a lot of beautiful images in this film, and boy oh boy is he in love with them. Cut! Cut! Cut! The scissors are there for a reason, buddy. On the other hand, the first half of the film is really awesome. Terrific cinematography, very desolate location shooting. Quite beautiful images, and very realistic dialog. A bunch of rich jaded people go on a cruise, and one of the unhappy rich people decides to disappear. Did she kill herself? Did her fiancee murder her? Or did she hop on a boat? I was intrigued and interested, and the movie did a wonderful job of giving us a feeling of desolation, which is pretty hard to do. Film did sputter in the second half, though, with the fiancee and the best friend running all over Italy looking for the missing girl. They were so half-hearted and blasé about it. Let's ring some church bells for no frickin' reason. If you're into the visuals, L'Avventura. If you want your Antonioni movie to frickin' say something and avoid the narrative boredom, Blow-Up. Murdered girl is way more interesting than wander-away girl. In my life, girls wander away a lot. I'm at a party. I go to the bathroom. I come back. The girls are gone. "Where'd the girls go?" "I don't know, man." Is that a movie? I say not. Although I grant you it's more interesting to have this conversation on a cliff. 1577 Parenthood 1578 Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown 1579 Sunset Boulevard 1580 The Boxer 1581 The Professionals (1966) 1582 Black Moon Rising Nice little movie about car thieves. Linda Hamilton plays a super car thief, and she gets mixed up with Tommy Lee Jones. Nice car chases, including one stunt where they jump a car from one skyscraper, and then crash it through the glass of the next skyscraper. Pretty awesome stunt, if I remember it right. 1583 Sahara 1584 Robin Hood: Men in Tights 1585 Pittsburgh 1586 any random episode of Lost. I got lost in season two, dude. Quit pushing the button, will ya? Just as a lover of science I would not push the button. You can't make me push the button. I refuse to push the button! 1587 The Straight Story 1588 The Departed (2006) 1589 Behind Enemy Lines 1590 Sleepy Hollow (1999) 1591 The Flight of the Phoenix 1592 The Bad News Bears 1593 The Quiet Man (1952) This film is slow to start and these Irish virgins with their frickin doweries were getting on my nerves. They made a hell of a big deal about her frickin bonnet and whether she was going to put it on this post or not. I had no idea what I should feel about bonnet-on-a-post. "Do I want the bonnet on the post or not? What's the significance?" I think it's some kind of Irish love call. "The bonnet's on the post, baby." I literally had no idea what was going on. And I'm part Irish, so clearly I've been away from the homeland too long. There's a lot of cool green Irish scenery, which you could probably get in one of those Irish Spring soap commercials. Although I have to say the accents are better in John Ford's movie. I got kinda annoyed that they couldn't fly frickin John Wayne over to Ireland and put him in the green grass. Instead he's standing on this fake Hollywood set. So that was annoying. Still, it was interesting. John Wayne marries Maureen O'Hara, only she's mad about her dowry, and refuses to sleep with him. Worst honeymoon ever. The film's too dark in places, at one point I was afraid Wayne was going to rape his wife. I was kind of annoyed that Wayne didn't say, "Look, I can't beat up your brother and take your dowry because I killed a man in the boxing ring, okay?" But he didn't, he was doing that Quiet Man thing. And she's all locked in the bedroom and he's all sleeping in the sleeping bag. This would work better if there was more humor, if it was a screwball comedy. A primal sex conflict like this ("I'm not going to sleep with you until you prove your manhood"), you need some humor to lighten it up. But with all the subtexts and sex conflicts, I have to say the movie got more and more interesting. And the movie builds and builds. The ending is awesome, with incredible music and one of the better John Wayne fight scenes. Ford's kinda like the sentimental version of Peckinpah, with men having to prove their masculinity and kick the crap out of somebody. The difference is with Ford, people are always happy after they've gotten their ass kicked. Anyway, it's a very sentimental movie. It probably works a lot better the older you are. By the end of it I was really enjoying it. 1594 Wayne's World 1595 Rounders It's the best poker movie I have ever seen. Which isn't saying a whole lot, poker movies tend to suck. But this one is kinda fun. Matt Damon is good, Ed Norton is terrific, and I personally get a huge kick out of John Malkovich's ham act. He puts on this crazy Russian accent and just runs with it. Just eat your friggin' oreo, will ya? Martin Landau is awesome in a bit part as his professor who loans Matt an obscenely large amount of money. Dude, I have trouble getting my professors to write a letter of recommendation. You know Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society? He's awesome, but he's not loaning you any money. Miss Jean Brodie? Ain't loaning you crap. Mr. Chips? Forget about it. So Martin Landau is the coolest professor in the history of art, right? And he sells it, man. Years go by, years and years, before I say, "Wait a minute. That would never happen. What a crock!" Oh what a con job Martin Landau pulled on me. I totally bought it. 1596 The Proposal 1597 The Godfather part II The character arc of the protagonist in Godfather part II is exceedingly lame. He starts off the movie like this: "I kill people, yes, but I only kill people who get in my way. And I don't kill my family." At the end of the movie, he's like this: "I kill people, yes, but I only kill people who get in my way. And I don't kill my family. Unless they get in my way." So the movie is hardly the big tragic fall that some would argue. Cripes, he starts off the movie as a homicidal sociopathic scumbag, and he ends up the movie as a homicidal sociopathic scumbag, with extra sauce. Also, while #1597 is quite a fall from #2, or whatever obscenely high ranking Sight and Sound gives this movie, it's still a B minus. That's a good grade. Some of my best friends make B minuses. So quit yer bitchin', cinephiles. Parallel story lines that never meet? Come on. 1598 Big Trouble in Little China 1599 Alien Resurrection 1600 any random episode of NYPD Blue 1601 Just One of the Guys 1602 The Bridge on the River Kwai 1603 The Mosquito Coast (1986) 1604 Flatliners 1605 The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962) 1606 Summer School 1607 Across the Universe So I'm watching this new flick about all the Beatles songs. It's pretty good, they're adapting a lot of the songs, changing them. For instance, "I Want to Be Your Man" is now this lesbian love ditty. It's actually a pretty soulful, interesting version of the song. On the other hand, now when I hear "I Want to Be Your Man" I think strap-on dildos. Your mileage may vary. Also, I've got this vicious headcold, and I'm doped up on Nyquil. Good stuff, but may be affecting my movie-watching. Plus I'm a right-winger, that's my other problem, and Julie Taymor so far has been interrupting the music with her lame-o politics. Now, John Lennon was kind of a lame-o politician himself, what with his Commie love ditty, which is what I call "Imagine", and of course "Back to the U.S.S.R." I'm sorry, but is there a song in the history of the universe with lyrics as inane as "Back to the U.S.S.R."? And what's so evil about rock and roll music is they suck you in with the catchy beat. I'm a right-winger and I'm singing along. Back to the U.S., back to the U.S., back to the U.S.S.R! Gulag, baby. So, anyway, Julie Taymor interrupts the music to have one of the characters, Lucy (uh-huh, her man's name is Jude), spout some inane dialog. For instance, Lucy declares that she doesn't want to have any babies, cause people who have babies are narcissicists. And I am doped up on Nyquil, but this speech reminds me of that loonie woman in England who had an abortion because there are too many babies in the world. It's abortion as a carbon offset. Is this the new leftist thing now? "I love the environment but people suck." Overpopulation nuts kill me. What other animal is gonna plant a tree, clueless? The most amazing natural resource any country has is its people. That's why most people think China is going to be the dominant power in a hundred years, cause they got more people than anybody. Anyway, babies good. People good. Don't be a moron. Those are my bumper stickers. My other thought was, narcissicist? Cause I've been having the baby urge lately. I didn't even know guys get these urges. How did the media miss this story? So I've been having a baby urge--well, before I got this headcold, anyway--and now smug liberal girl is calling me a narcissicist. The movie I'm watching is calling me names. Swell. Anyway, she likens my urge to reproduce as an urge to clone. Now, sure, cloning is narcissicistic. And I'm giving up on spelling that word. You want to add an S you go ahead. Cloning, yes. But what moron thinks his kids are going to be cloned versions of himself? I mean, seriously. Do you even have parents? What were you, bred in a lab somewhere? And the thing is, I think having children is possibly the least selfish thing you can do in the world. And this thought reminds me of "low maintenance" relationships. I think this term was popularized, or maybe even created, in When Harry Met Sally. Isn't it funny how many ideas are introduced by films? Anyway, in the movie Harry tells Sally that she is high maintenance. And of course the implication is that we all want low maintenance relationships. But do we? And it occurs to me, that of course babies are very high maintenance. There ain't no arguing with a crying baby. You can't fight with them. You can't get your way. You can't cry, "I want to get my way!" You can't be a baby too. A baby is Needy, Needy, Needy. And he's so demanding and unapologetic about it. Feed me now! Three in the morning. Feed me now! What's a low maintenance relationship? Roommates. Roommates with benefits. I don't need you, you don't need me, we're just random people who happen to be in the same vicinity. Take off, that's cool. Stick around, whatever. Forgive me for Nyquil-induced right-wing diatribes, but low maintenance relationships suck, babies are cool, and I am the walrus. Peace out. 1608 The Quiet American 1609 The Hunt For Red October 1610 Woodstock 1611 Knight Moves 1612 East of Eden (1955) One of the things that surprises you about the early method guys, Brando and Dean, is how big they are. James Dean has a reputation for being cool, but that is maybe the last adjective I would use to describe his actual performances. He's "howling" maybe, or "on fire". There's nothing cool about his acting style. Dean makes me laugh a bit in Rebel Without a Cause. He's too big, really. I don't laugh here, but I don't enjoy this movie as much, either. Kazan is nowhere close to Ray's abilities as a filmmaker. Kazan's material is big. The story (from Steinbeck) is Shakespearean. Hell, it's Biblical. But Ray's little high school movie seems way bigger than Kazan's "epic". Ray has a dramatic visual sense. Kazan does not. He can't visualize scenes like Ray. And Ray's movie has a lightness of touch. It's playful and fun. Yeah, James Dean is often melodramatic in it, but teens are often melodramatic about their lives. So in a weird way Ray's stylish, over the top film has a real feeling of authenticity. Rebel Without a Cause works precisely because all of James Dean's behavior is so unmotivated. We're trying to figure it out. What the hell's wrong with this kid? There is no cause. He's got no cause. He's unhappy and out of whack. Dad's in an apron. (That bit made me laugh). Kazan's film came first, but it's Ray's that made James Dean famous. 1613 The Thief of Bagdad (1940) This is not the silent movie, but the one Michael Powell directed in 1940. Weird structure, they start in the second act with a blind guy begging, and then he's explaining to this harem how he used to be a king, and then we flashback to the first act. Basically the first hour is kind of lame. But the second half of this movie is amazing stuff. Powell has some gorgeous cinematography, and he does a lot of way cool fantasy stuff, with the giant genie and the giant spider web and the magic carpet. You get the feeling that Spielberg overdosed on this film when he was a kid. I have no idea if this movie will work on kids today--they might be too sophisticated and spot the fakery. But even if it might be a failure today, it's an interesting failure. Powell rocks, one of the most romantic filmmakers ever. 1614 Se7en 1615 Monty Python's The Meaning of Life 1616 Taken 1617 Voices of Iraq (2004) The filmmakers passed around a bunch of video cameras to the Iraqi people, collected the footage, and edited it together into this film. That's a fascinating way to approach a documentary. The filmmakers are, to some extent, attempting to remove the American point of view from this story. It is an amalgam of voices of the Iraqi people, as they film their selves and decide what images to capture. It's edited by Americans, of course, so we still have bias as the filmmakers decide what to exclude and what to put in. On the other hand, it's very honest and refreshing to hear about Iraq from Iraqis themselves. It's a document of a time and place, the aftermath of the Iraq war. I don't know if we will be interested in this ten years from now--we kinda suffer from national attention deficit disorder--but it's a fascinating historical document. You get a full sense of how much the Iraqi people are suffering, but the movie also illustrates, in ghastly fashion, how much they suffered under Saddam as well. The film does an amazing job of humanizing the Iraqi people, of making them seem, well, just like us. People shop, go to weddings, go to school, graduate from college, watch soccer, get passports. What's remarkable is that, despite all the bombings, how upbeat and happy the Iraqi people continue to be. Especially the children. Not every Iraqi is an angry terrorist waiting to happen. Of course, this is obvious when you think about it, but it's nice to actually see this. Whether the invasion was good or bad is besides the point. After you watch this movie, you can't help but hope that these people can build a safe and peaceful democracy for themselves. Nice doc. 1618 The Jackal 1619 Maverick 1620 The Firm

C+ (420) 1621 Good Morning, Vietnam 1622 The Terminal (2004) 1623 Incautos 1624 Boiler Room 1625 any random episode of E.R. 1626 Creating Discourse 1627 Gone Baby Gone 1628 3 Godfathers 1629 The Red Balloon 1630 Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events 1631 Meatballs 1632 Smoke 1633 Nevada Smith 1634 Hot Shots! Part Deux 1635 Deep Blue Sea 1636 Adventures of Robin Hood 1637 The Man Who Loved Women (1977) 1638 The Late Show (1977) 1639 Cinderella Man (2005) 1640 Hands Across the Table 1641 Leatherheads 1642 The Bank Job 1643 Racketeer Rabbit 1644 Columbo episode -- "The Most Dangerous Match" A chess master murders another chess master. But Columbo is six moves ahead. 1645 Seinfeld episode -- "The Subway" (1992) 1646 Cache 1647 Over the Hedge 1648 Millions (2005) 1649 Jonny Quest episode: "Treasure of the Temple" 1650 High Road to China 1651 Columbo episode -- "A Case of Immunity" Columbo goes up against an Islamic murderer who works at an embassy and can’t be arrested. 1652 Dazed and Confused (1993) 1653 Croupier 1654 School for Scoundrels 1655 Amarcord (1974) 1656 Untamed Heart 1657 Oh, God! (1977) 1658 The Lives of Others 1659 Carlito's Way 1660 Hellboy I was going to watch another movie. I was in line, I had my money out, and the guy in front of me said, "Is Hellboy going to sell out?" and the lady said, "probably." And then, I dunno, I got possessed by a demon. Anyway, some Satanic voice that kinda resembled mine said "one ticket for Hellboy, please." So I go into the theater and there are 40 people in there, max. The ticket lady lied! So then the movie started, after maybe 30 minutes of ads and whatnot. And Hellboy is fighting Nazis. Or Rasputin. I was never really clear on whether they were Nazis or Rasputin. I think the bad guys were Nazi czarist devil-worshipers. Led by Rasputin? Also, I was a little unclear on what the bad guys wanted. As far as I could tell, they wanted Hellboy to be true to his demon self and take over the world. Yeah, but what do you get out of it, Rasputin? I mean, if Hellboy takes over the world, where does that leave you? New Jersey? Anyway, for most of the movie there were these slime monsters with really long tongues that Hellboy would kill, and then they would come back to life. Except I think if you killed them twice, they would stay dead? I was never really clear on what it took to make them dead, dead. Maybe if you burned them really bad? Anyway, we kept seeing the same frickin slime monsters again and again. Even Hellboy was saying, "didn't I already kill you?" And I'm in the audience saying, "yeah, you did, and I got kinda bored the second time. This is the third time." So that was annoying. Oh yeah, the monsters weren't even all that bad. The slime monsters, I mean. If I was their defense attorney I'd be saying, "your honor, what crimes did they commit? They were just hiding out in the subway. That's all they were doing. They're not robbing banks or killing people. Hellboy started it. He was trying to kill them for existing. That was their crime. Existing! I rest my case." Anyway, it seemed to me those slime monsters had a pretty good self-defense claim. Maybe a few people got squashed in the fight melee, but like I said, Hellboy started it. And then I started thinking, you know, if those slime monsters with the really long tongues spoke English, and Hellboy didn't? I'd think they were the good guys. So is that jingoism or what? And then Hellboy and some government agents flew a plane to a Russian cemetery cause, you know, that's where all the Nazi devil worshipers hang out. And then Hellboy got this skeleton to show him the way to, I dunno, the secret lair. And we had some more CGI. And that was pretty much it. Oh yeah, one kind of interesting psychological point is that Hellboy is in complete denial about his demon self. So he's got these devil horns on top of his head? But he takes a saw and buzzcuts them down. Ouch. If I was a psychiatrist, I don't know what I would say to Hellboy. He's kinda in denial. Cutting off his Satan horns like that. On the other hand, do you really want him to be a demon? Repress, Hellboy. Repress. Mostly, though, this was not a film where you want to do a lot of thinking. You want to like this movie? Shut your brain off. If you start thinking like I did, you'll be unhappy. For instance, I never quite figured out the whole egg thing. There were eggs and you didn't want them to hatch, because then you'd get some more slime monsters, who may or may not have been controlled by Rasputin. Or maybe Rasputin was possessed by a slime monster? Anyway, for most of the movie it was all about the eggs, and the eggs were bad. I got that part. But then they went to that damn Russian cemetery, and the skeleton speaking with subtitles, and they were gonna open up a hole into the netherworld or hell or some really stinky place, and it seems to me everybody forgot about the eggs. And they rolled the credits and everybody was leaving and I'm sitting there going, "but what about the eggs?" So maybe that will be in the sequel. Hellboy 2: The Eggs Hatch. Anyway, if you watch the movie, what's up with the eggs? Let me know. 1661 The Shooting Party 1662 The Imposters 1663 Cookie’s Fortune (1999) 1664 Planet of the Apes (2001) 1665 National Lampoon's European Vacation 1666 High Plains Drifter (1973) 1667 Whirlpool 1668 The Bedford Incident 1669 Turner and Hootch 1670 House of the Flying Daggers 1671 The Next Big Thing 1672 Friday 1673 Blue Chips 1674 Dumb and Dumber 1675 Spellbound (1945) 1676 How To Lose Friends and Alienate People 1677 Bowfinger 1678 Space Cowboys 1679 The Krays 1680 Seven Days in May 1681 Barbarians at the Gate 1682 Firty/Fifty 1683 The Living Daylights 1684 Columbo episode -- "How To Dial A Murder" 1685 The Addams Family (1991) 1686 Blackmail is My Life (1968) Amazing soundtrack, amazing direction. The acting is strictly B level, and the script isn't much better. But the sound and the cinematography and the direction make this an interesting movie to watch. Fukasaku does amazing things with camera angles and movement, and uses a lot of flashbacks and humor. 1687 A New Leaf (1971) 1688 Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip 1689 Devil in a Blue Dress (1995) 1690 Swimming to Cambodia (1987) 1691 Little Shop of Horrors 1692 Shoot to Kill 1693 Double Whammy (2001) Nice little movie. This is by Tom DiCillo, who was the d.p. for Jarmusch and now he's directing his own stuff. I liked the first DiCillo movie I saw, Living in Oblivion, so I put this in my queue as well. Not as good but not bad. It's an intelligent comedy, a little silly in places, a little glib, but always interesting. DiCillo has a knack for creating intricate plots involving lots of characters. Denis Leary is okay in the lead. He still really hasn't found a movie role that shows his maniacal brilliance. The supporting cast is terrific, however, particularly Luis Guzman, who shines. I love that guy. Liz Hurley also does some fine work. If you like dry humor, you should watch DiCillo's stuff. You can see why Jarmusch liked working with him. 1694 Charlie Chan at the Race Track 1695 Touching the Void (2004) 1696 The 25th Hour 1697 Un Chien Andalou One of the interesting things about filmmaking is that it is the sum of all art. We take from all the other fields: photography, acting, writing, music, fashion, design, computer graphics. The hardest thing about filmmaking is all the collaboration that's required. So when a visual artist like Dali comes in and all he does is throw up some interesting visuals and calls it a day, filmmakers might be interested (Hitchcock gave Dali a job), but we also recognize that filmmaking can (and usually does) involve other artistic fields. That's the challenge and that's the reward. This movie has no narrative, has no music. It's claim to fame is the scene where they slice up a giant eyeball with a razor blade. I'm glad to hear it was a sheep's eye. On the other hand, I kinda feel sorry for the sheep. You sliced up a sheep's eyeball? For this? 1698 Sexy Beast (2000) 1699 The Forgotten 1700 K-9 1701 Shallow Grave 1702 Sideways Alexander Payne is another writer/director who kinda annoys me. He's made Citizen Ruth (bad), Election (pretty good) and About Schmidt (bad). Payne writes well, his scripts are obviously intelligent. The problem I find with his movies is that his characters are often caricatures, and we're invited to laugh at them in a meanspirited sort of way. The more you're a misanthrope, the more you're likely to appreciate Payne's stuff. Anyway, Sideways is another movie about a loser with a depressing life. He has a failed marriage, hates his career, and is going on a roadtrip with a person whom he neither likes much, nor respects. On top of this he's a wine snob. We're invited to laugh at this pathetic slob--and we do, the film is often funny--but it's an ugly little movie, really. 1703 Varsity Blues 1704 The Devil's Backbone 1705 Total Recall 1706 Spider-Man 2 If you take out all the cool Spider-man stuff? This is the worst movie ever made. Easily the lamest melodrama of the 21st century, and one of the biggest soap operas of the 20th Century too, if you ask me. And that's saying something. And when I say "sorry melodrama," I am speaking of the Peter Parker-Mary Jane love affair, which is possibly the least interesting, most pathetic, asexual, boring, and completely annoying relationship of all time. And I've had a couple of those, and this crap on the screen beats me by a mile. Act One Mary Jane: "Peter, is there something you want to tell me?" Peter Parker: "I've got a secret. I can't really talk about it." Mary Jane: "Oh. Okay." ("Oh no. He's gay!") Peter Parker: "But I'll come to your play. I swear." Act Two Evil Ash: "No, you can't watch the play. It's already started." Peter Parker: "Oh no! What will Mary Jane think?" inside... Mary Jane: "The chair. The chair is empty! An empty chair! Aieeeeeeee!" Act Three Peter Parker: "I'm not an empty chair any more." Mary Jane: "It's too late for you, gay boy. I found a real man." Act Four Mary Jane: "Damn it! I'm still in love with gay boy." Act Five Mary Jane: "I don't think I was listening to you before, Peter. You were saying you've changed?" Peter Parker: "No. I was wrong. I am an empty chair." Act Six Astronaut: "I'm the astronaut. I'm here cause women dig astronauts. Maybe you remember the astronaut from Moonlighting. Just when it started to suck. Mary Jane, will you marry me?" Mary Jane: "I don't know. I think I caught Ambivalence Flu from gay boy." and it goes on and on and on and on and on. I swear to God these people are gonna end up on Jerry Springer. Meanwhile, not only is Peter Parker ambivalent about Mary Jane, now he's ambivalent about being Spider-man, too. What's up with that? Peter Parker: "Doc, I'm having this dream, where I'm Spider-man, and I have super-powers? And I climb walls and have super-strength and I can shoot spider webs. Only, in my dream? I lose my super powers. I can't climb walls, I can't jump. When I try to shoot a web, it goes spurt, spurt." Doc: "Peter, I think you're describing what we refer to as impotence. Here's a prescription for Viagra." Meanwhile, nothing's wrong with Doc Ock, he's got these four giant phallic symbols. They're so big, he can walk around on 'em. Wow! And he can knock through walls. Wow! And all the women are screaming. There's a particularly vicious scene in an operating room where the medical community tries to do a Lorena Bobbit on him? Oooh, that was ugly. So we have some really cool battle scenes between Raging Sex Maniac With the Four Phallic Symbols Who Makes All the Women Scream, and gay ambivalent boy with the inability to spurt. Little children across America are gonna have massive therapy bills in a couple of decades. But the fight scenes are cool, and all the CGI looks pretty good this time around. I was really hopeful that they were going to kill off Aunt May before she gave one of her incredibly annoying pep talks, but they didn't. Oh, pish-posh. 1707 13 Going on 30 1708 Live and Let Die (1973) 1709 True Believer 1710 Silver Streak (1976) 1711 Honeymoon in Vegas 1712 Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham 1713 Seven Men From Now 1714 Eight Men Out 1715 Kiss the Girls 1716 The Man With Two Brains 1717 Freaky Friday 1718 The Parent Trap 1719 Hard Eight 1720 The Girl With the Pearl Earring 1721 Unbreakable 1722 Copycat 1723 Dressed to Kill (1948) Not the De Palma movie but an okay Sherlock Holmes flick. 1724 Shy People 1725 Independence Day 1726 The Right Stuff 1727 48 Hours 1728 The Brothers Bloom 1729 The Wicker Man (1973) 1730 Late Spring (1949) 1731 Someone To Watch Over Me 1732 Control 1733 Shane 1734 The Heartbreak Kid 1735 The World's Fastest Indian 1736 Conspiracy Theory 1737 Diggstown 1738 They Might Be Giants It's a silly movie, but the actors are enjoyable and I liked the movie despite myself. George C. Scott plays a guy in the modern era (okay, early 1970's) who thinks he's Sherlock Holmes. Joanne Woodward plays his psychiatrist, Dr. Watson. Anyway, they go around searching for Professor Moriarity, and Scott continually invents "clues" along the way. ("Look, a newspaper headline. It's a clue!") The subtext of the movie is that it's really cool to be crazy, and all those sane people are just no fun. So join us in our quest for Professor Moriarity! Anyway, it's a playful little movie, silly, but pretty good if you're in the mood for that sort of thing. No idea if this movie is responsible for the rock band. 1739 George of the Jungle 1740 Quick Change 1741 Mr. Deeds 1742 The Earrings of Madame de... (1953) 1743 Joe Kidd 1744 This Sporting Life 1745 The Night We Never Met 1746 any random episode of The Twilight Zone 1747 Memphis Belle 1748 Wit Emma Thompson rocks here. I think she shaves her head for the role? Anyway, she plays a woman with cancer, going through chemotherapy. Not a lot of yucks in this movie, but it really is an acting tour-de-force. There's a very touching bit near the end, when one of her old professors reads a children't book to her. That made me cry, actually. But most of the movie is clinical and detached, just like the main character. Just like most of the characters in the movie, actually. The movie avoids being maudlin, but it might actually go too far in the opposite direction. 1749 Seinfeld episode -- "The Chinese Restaurant" (1991) 1750 First Knight 1751 9 to 5 1752 The Spy Who Came In From the Cold (1965) 1753 Whole 1754 The Stranger 1755 Rocky Balboa 1756 We're Talkin' Serious Money 1757 The Freshman 1758 Trapped in Paradise 1759 I Know What You Did Last Summer 1760 Scrooged 1761 Ship of Fools (1965) 1762 Wicked City 1763 Addams Family Values 1764 Sliding Doors 1765 You Only Live Twice 1766 Antz 1767 Rio Grande (1950) 1768 Deja Vu 1769 Spies Like Us 1770 Charlie Chan in Egypt It's not, in my opinion, one of the strongest Chans. No number one son, for one thing, which removes one of the joys of Chan-watching. And yet it's an interesting movie, I think, not for the mystery (mediocre), but precisely because it has Stepin Fetchit in it. If you've heard about Stepin Fetchit and you want to see what the fuss is about, well, here he is. For what it's worth, I think he's funny. He's playing a guy who's superstitious and drinks too much and gambles and likes the ladies. It's broad, sure--you can see why people might be offended--but it's a funny performance, too. I like the way he tosses off comments, grumbling and not wanting to go into that pyramid where all the bones are. In fact, Stepin Fetchit's character is so frickin interesting that it kind of derails an okay Charlie Chan movie. You don't care about the mummy's curse so much as whether Stepin Fetchit is going to straighten out his problems with that Egyptian girl or move back to Alabama. It's a human performance, like a character out of Mark Twain. He creates a flawed, interesting character, filled with sins and failings, and you like him right away. He more or less steals the movie. I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that he rewrote his dialog to make it more authentic black patois. If people in the 1930's had brains they would have made a Stepin Fetchit movie and made him the hero. Funnier than Abbott and Costello, and he was doing the same shtick. As I see it, what's unfortunate about racism in the 1930's is not that Stepin Fetchit was doing comic roles and mocking himself. What's unfortunate about racism in his day is that Stepin Fetchit did not have an opportunity to be a star and meet up with Dracula and Frankenstein and the Wolfman and all the rest of them. And of course Stepin Fetchit crafted his own persona. "You want a servant, I'm a servant. I'm a super-servant. I'm Stepin Fetchit." In a way his adopted name is his commentary on the society that he's living in. It's like adopting a slave name and mocking it at the same time. The character he creates is shiftless and no good. And we like him and it's funny. It's really remarkable if you think about it. He's mocking racism, and the limitations placed upon his career, in a knowing and self-aware way. And this allows him the freedom to play his character to the hilt and to genuinely be funny. His name is his commentary on his situation. But in his art, in his performance, he's funny and makes fun of himself. I think he's a little too big when he plays afraid, but he's terrific when he's grumbling and mumbling. I suspect many people miss the irony of Stepin Fetchit's art and aren't really being fair to him or his career. 1771 Heartbreak Ridge 1772 Shrek (2001) 1773 Primary Colors 1774 Born To Kill 1775 Columbo episode: "Mind Over Mayhem" 1776 An Actor's Revenge (1963) 1777 Man on the Moon 1778 The Real Blonde 1779 SubUrbia 1780 Blue Crush 1781 Scooby-Doo II 1782 Killing Zoe 1783 Riding the Rails 1784 The Edge 1785 California Suite (1978) 1786 The Fly 1787 Columbo episode -- "A Deadly State of Mind" (1975) 1788 She’s the One (1996) 1789 The Magnificent Ambersons 1790 The Life Aquatic (2004) 1791 Used Cars 1792 The Rainmaker 1793 Broken Lizard’s Club Dread Stupid-funny is really hard to do, and often when it's done you're embarrassed to be laughing and you never want to see the movie again. I have this reaction to the Farrelly brothers, for example. Broken Lizard, on the other hand, is stupid-funny in a really brilliant way. I can watch their first movie, Super Troopers, over and over, and quote lines to you. It's hysterical. This movie, on the other hand, was a major disappointment. It has few if any quotable lines. (Although I like it when Bill Paxton goes on one of his anti-Jimmy Buffett rants. "Son of a son of a bitch!"). I guess I'd say it's an okay movie. Not brilliant but not bad. 1794 Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom 1795 21 Up 1796 7 Up 1797 28 Up 1798 Corrina, Corrina 1799 Southpark: Bigger, Longer and Uncut 1800 Spaceballs 1801 Clay Pigeons 1802 Election Reese Witherspoon's performance is surreally funny. What an underrated actress. Here she's obsessive, intense, deranged. She is going to win class president and no one is going to stop her. She's annoying perfect, a girl scout from hell. You get why Broderick would try to stop her, although that's bizarrely funny itself. She's like a miniature, scarier version of Hillary Clinton. And the look of hatred she gives at injustice. It's a mean little movie, not very likable, but Reese Witherspoon is frickin' brilliant in it. 1803 The One and Only 1804 Thieves' Highway 1805 Big Fish 1806 Salesmen 1807 The Pride of the Yankees 1808 Blood and Wine 1809 Mutual Appreciation 1810 Old Boy (2003) 1811 any random Scooby-Doo Where Are You? cartoon 1812 The Door in the Floor 1813 Batman Returns 1814 Universal Soldier 1815 Grand Canyon 1816 The Dead Zone 1817 The Strongest Man in the World 1818 Catch Me If You Can It's not the worst movie Spielberg ever made, but it's in the bottom half of his output. The problem here, I think, is that Spielberg isn't really comfortable with the idea of "crime is fun". What should be a light-hearted crime spree has way too many dead air moments. He kept trying to deepen the material, to make it significant or meaningful. So we had fun bits like "adultery" or "I'm rich but nobody loves me" or "my Dad is a loser" or "I'm suffering in a French jail." None of these scenes fit with all the fun scenes that are the crux of the movie. It's like interrupting The Sting with scens from The Color Purple. Does Hanks catch Leo? Spielberg spoils the movie by answering that question in the first five minutes. It's like opening Jaws with the shark blowing up. It's retarded. There's no suspense in the movie. Read the title of your movie. It's Catch Me If You Can. Hello! Should have called the movie, You Caught Me, Now Here Are the Details. 1819 The Man in the Moon 1820 Analyze This 1821 White Heat 1822 Sling Blade 1823 Internal Affairs 1824 Wait Until Dark 1825 Human Nature If you like weird and different, you'll get a kick out of this. Tim Robbins plays an anal retentive scientist who is sitting in a white room in Purgatory, with a bullet hole in his head, explaining how he fell in love with a woman who has hair all over her body--and boy oh boy do those nude scenes make you blink--while teaching the man who grew up thinking he was an ape how to be civilized. You know, I don't think I can sum this up. Anyway, Charlie Kaufman is a highly original screenwriter (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). This is his first movie. It's funny in parts, and highly original. But the material gets out of hand and the movie spins off into silliness. Structure and pacing is bad, too. But it's a very smart movie. An interesting failure. 1826 Experiment in Terror 1827 Blast From the Past 1828 Death of a Salesman 1829 Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even 1830 The Man Who Would Be King 1831 The Outlaw Josey Wales 1832 Mississippi Mermaid 1833 Fantasia 2000 1834 Sphere 1835 In Good Company 1836 The Bonfire of the Vanities 1837 Career Opportunities 1838 Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control 1839 Where the Sidewalk Ends 1840 Jonny Quest episode -- "Double Danger" 1841 The Ring 2 (2005) 1842 any random episode of Coupling 1843 Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954) I think most old horror movies suck. Frankenstein, sucks. Dracula, sucks. The Most Dangerous Game is one exception I can think of, an awesome movie. Night of the Demon, way cool. But by and large, the whole classic horror genre is dated, and more camp than scary. When I look at Boris Karloff, I see Herman Munster. This movie isn't bad. It's later in the genre, 1950's, and it's a huge step up in production values. Wonderful black-and-white cinematography, and underwater cinematography at that. Even the costume doesn't look too bogus. Definitely a B movie, but still pretty cool. 1844 Barton Fink 1845 Mildred Pierce (1945) I find Mildred Pierce sort of annoying, but it's also hysterical in parts. "Oh no, my daughter became a stripper!" It's the sort of movie where they just pile on the pathos. Little kid coughs in one scene, you know two scenes later he's going to be on his deathbed. Never cough in a melodrama, it's like being one of the extras on Star Trek. 1846 Guide for the Married Man 1847 Six Degrees of Separation (1993) 1848 Seven Brides For Seven Brothers 1849 The Fog 1850 Columbo episode: "Murder by the Book" Spielberg directed this episode. Not bad. 1851 Dot the I 1852 The Insider 1853 Remember the Night (1940) 1854 Snake Eyes 1855 The Fifth Element 1856 Pan's Labyrinth 1857 Excalibur 1858 The French Connection 1859 The Painted Veil 1860 Better Luck Tomorrow Kind of an interesting low budget indy film. I did get irritated with the yuppie mentality of the protagonist, constantly obsessing with his college applications. He's so single-minded and so self-absorbed, that it's kind of off-putting. "I must memorize a new vocabulary word every day." Yeah, but do you have to share it with us? Cripes. And then these anal overachievers decide to embark on a life of crime. You got the feeling the filmmakers were striving for a Goodfellas vibe. Yeah yeah yeah, you're selling your homework, you're Public Enemy #1. And then they inject a completely unrealistic crime into the third act, I guess to shock us. Needed another couple of rewrites on the script. On the positive side, the acting is good and the cinematography is pretty stellar. 1861 Hercules 1862 Just Like Heaven 1863 Road Trip 1864 Nothing to Lose 1865 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 1866 Fatal Instinct 1867 Undertow (2004) 1868 Marley and Me 1869 Rain Man 1870 2046 (2004) 1871 House of Cards 1872 I Confess 1873 any random episode of Home Movies 1874 The Talented Mr. Ripley 1875 In the Bedroom I was very impressed with the acting, in particular Tom Wilkinson. He was absolutely amazing, a really credible performance with emotional depth. Marisa Tomei is also quite good, particularly in one small scene she has with Wilkinson. Spacek was very good in parts, although in other parts I thought she was a little hammy. By and large, though, the acting is terrific, the strongest part of the movie. The film is similar in tone to The Sweet Hereafter, but not nearly as subtle as that work. The movie really milks the painful emotions, which makes the film hard to watch in places. Wilkinson and Spacek (who play husband and wife) have one knock down, drag out argument that was so bad, I really wanted to be somewhere else. It was kind of like the neighbors invite you over for tea, and they start ripping into each other. You want to excuse yourself while they're having their emotional meltdown. The film kind of works like this: boring boring boring PAIN PAIN PAIN OH MY GOD I CAN'T WATCH boring boring borPAIN PAIN boring boring boring boring PAIN PAIN PAIN oh that's illegal. It's not a bad movie by any means. On the other hand, it's not The Virgin Spring, either. Now that's a movie that's dark and sad and beautiful, and interesting all the way through. This movie has very strong acting, and whipsaws us emotionally. It's effective. I have no desire to ever watch it again. 1876 Serial Mom 1877 And Justice For All (1979) 1878 The Cincinnati Kid 1879 Dirty Work 1880 Hellraiser 1881 Army of Shadows 1882 West Side Story 1883 any random episode of Mission Impossible 1884 Marty I'm a sucker for Ernest Borgnine. You just want to give the guy a hug. Anyway, he's a butcher and he's fallen in love. It's a sappy little love story, with a lot of pathos. It made me cry, which is kind of embarrassing. It's not that good. 1885 Jonny Quest episode -- "The Curse of Anubis" 1886 Serving Sara 1887 Legal Eagles 1888 any random episode of The Brady Bunch 1889 Diva 1890 Foul Play 1891 The Transformers 1892 Village of the Damned (1960) 1893 All of Me 1894 Escape From Alcatraz 1895 Westworld (1973) It should have been a brilliant movie. I love the premise--civilized man goes to "wild west" fantasy camp, where he gets to be a wild man, living out his id fantasies. (Mostly he shoots robot bad guys and sleeps with robot whores). And then the robots start to malfunction and people actually get shot. Michael Crichton came up with this one, and it's a hoot of an idea. Sort of a B movie version of 2001, I suppose. You just can't trust technology! And in a brilliant stroke, they cast Yul Brenner as the head robot bad guy. Yul is the best robot ever, I swear. He's completely stiff, plus he's got the bald head, which looks kind of robotic. So what's the problem? Michael Crichton wanted to direct. And he sucks. This movie has perhaps the worst case of paint-splotches-pretending-to-be-blood I've ever seen. The acting--with the exception of Brenner--is uniformly bad. Cinematography is humdrum. But mostly I blame the directing. Crichton has no idea how to build suspense or milk emotion from a scene. I liked this movie when I was a teenager, but it annoys me now. Would make an awesome remake, though. 1896 Grease (1978) 1897 Eat Drink Man Woman 1898 The Falcon and the Snowman 1899 Breaking the Waves 1900 Manhattan Murder Mystery 1901 So I Married An Axe Murderer 1902 F/X 1903 any random episode of Hogan's Heroes 1904 The Birdcage 1905 Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend On my copy it says, "Warning. Absolutely not for children." Dude. You got that right. Japanese cartoon horror porn, with tentacles. That is so wrong. You should not run your tentacle up a woman's dress like that. Keep your tentacles to yourself, you really big monster. Man! It's so wrong. And the cartoon Bettys are always like, "I like it, I like it," and then they blow up or something. All I can say is, ladies, don't ever have sex with an alien from another planet. Or another dimension. You definitely don't want to have sex with anybody who is ten times bigger than you. I know, I know, sometimes you don't have a choice. Arm yourselves! Or find a good guy alien to protect you. Like Superman, I'll bet he's sensitive and nice. This is why Superman and Lois Lane are always flying in clouds. And then he whispers in her ear: "We can't do it. Ever." And you know she's all, "Why? Why?" Are you kidding? Superman can't even masturbate. He would blow a hole through the ceiling. People from two counties over would die from super-sperm hitting them in the side of the head. Ma Kent: "Pa. I think Clark's having a wet dream." Pa Kent: "Damn it. I got to fix the roof." You get Superman panting in your ear, and then your brain's frozen. You get him all excited and then his heat vision is burning your ass. It's common knowledge, Lois. Don't get aliens excited. Just cause he looks human doesn't mean he is. You're flying off the frickin' ground, dummy. You ever seen him ram through a wall? You're the wall, Lois. Don't have sex with Superman. Anyway, you probably want to avoid the Japanese cartoon horror porn. Innocence! I miss my innocence. I'm way too frickin' worldly now. I've seen too much. 1906 Closely Watched Trains Speaking of repressed sexuality, this virgin would rather slash his wrists than try to have sex with a woman. Dude, seriously. Women are nice. Have sex with a woman. You can do it. Nice black and white cinematography. Nice trains. But I got so impatient with this virgin in Czechoslovakia, I swear. 1907 Riding Giants Kinda sounds like animated Japanese porn, huh? Actually it's a surfing documentary about big-wave surfers. Kinda cool. It's not Step Into Liquid cool, but it's not bad. 1908 Columbo episode: "Publish or Perish" 1909 Walk Hard 1910 Ladyhawke 1911 The Woman in Green 1912 Kill Me Again 1913 Three Colors: Blue 1914 Quiz Show 1915 Benny and Joon 1916 Jonny Quest episode -- "The Invisible Monster" 1917 The Young Poisoner's Handbook 1918 Jumanji 1919 Blind Date 1920 A Midnight Clear 1921 Crimson Tide 1922 Michael 1923 waydowntown Canadian movie, shot in Toronto with digital video. A bunch of people have a bet about who can go the longest without setting foot outside. It's amusing. Days pass, and then weeks. They all go pretty bonkers. I like the guy who staples the signs to his chest. He gets pretty suicidal, and one of the other characters apologizes. "Dude, I'm sorry, I should have seen the signs." Cracked me up. How could you miss the signs, they're stapled to his frickin' chest. 1924 Palmetto 1925 Boogie Nights 1926 Face/Off (1997) 1927 American Splendor It's okay. I don't really get all the critical acclaim. Part of it I guess is the unusual narrative structure, with the actor meeting the guy whom he's playing, all this breaking the third wall stuff. That's kind of interesting. And there are some jokes that are kind of funny, like the Revenge of the Nerds discussion. I think this movie sort of works the way Andy Warhol works. It's not art that blows you away with it's beauty or it's power. It's more art along the lines of "What is art? What should art be?” The movie has a lot of ironic commentary. It’s an attitude more than a movie. 1928 Drop Zone 1929 Poseidon 1930 Band of Brothers 1931 The Flight of the Phoenix (2004) 1932 The Tall Guy 1933 The Abyss 1934 Last Orders 1935 Master and Commander Disappointing. I love Peter Weir's stuff, I was really looking forward to this one. Weir has no idea how to film battle scenes. He uses extreme close-ups, God knows why. You can't see who's fighting who, who's dying, you have no idea what's going on. Contrast Mel Gibson's brilliant battle scenes in Braveheart. I actually think the comparison between the two movies is pretty apt, why one movie works and one does not. Braveheart gives us motivation for the protagonist. We understand his hatred for the British. We're pulling for him. We're emotionally involved. Master and Commander, you have no frickin motivation. "I want to fight, for duty. Except I'm going beyond my orders. I want to fight, for no apparent reason whatsoever. Yes!" And there’s no bad guy, really. How can you spend $150 million on a movie and not have a bad guy? Cripes. The only reason to watch is if you're a fan of 19th century naval warfare tactics. "19th century naval warfare tactics, yes!" It's a nice history lesson, and probably accurate (who would make up 10-year-old naval officers?) So if you're up for a history lesson, go see it. Not half as much fun as Pirates of the Carribean. You know the uptight Navy guys in Pirates of the Carribean? How would you like to spend two hours with those guys? Well, here you go. 1936 Public Enemy 1937 Scandal 1938 The Brinks Job 1939 Persipolis 1940 River’s Edge 1941 Terminator 3 1942 Zodiac 1943 Run Lola Run 1944 Krippendorf's Tribe 1945 In the Name of the Father 1946 Waiting For Guffman 1947 Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves 1948 Sgt. Bilko 1949 Highlander 1950 any random episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show 1951 Green Card 1952 Invasion of the Body Snatchers 1953 Narc 1954 Moonstruck 1955 Grosse Pointe Blank 1956 First Blood 1957 The More the Merrier 1958 The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming! 1959 any random episode of Perry Mason 1960 The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) 1961 Tender Mercies 1962 Mean Streets 1963 Charlie's Angels 1964 Eight Legged Freaks 1965 Coma 1966 Point Break 1967 Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! 1968 Chronicles of Riddick 1969 Dogtown and Z Boys 1970 Topsy-Turvy 1971 any random episode of Gilligan's Island 1972 Purple Noon 1973 Dirty Harry 1974 The Far Country 1975 The Pink Panther Strikes Again 1976 X2: X-Men United I could not wait for the frickin thing to be over. Two and a half hours, man. I still don't think my butt has forgiven me. I liked the first one. Good guys, bad guys. Conflict, resolution. Your basic super-hero movie. But the sequel veered from inane "oh we're so victimized" dialog to ridiculous super-powers to way too many characters to long long long exposition about what the hell's going on. Boring. Simplify! Simplify! Good guys, bad guys. Conflict, resolution. Super-hero movies are easy, man. This storyline has a rogue general ("General Striker," oooh, original) who's trying to kill all the mutants. What this means is you have many scenes of Wolverine carving up members of the U.S. military. I don't know, maybe this was too close to Iraq for my tastes. I was conflicted. And then you have a mutant who's trying to kill the President. Who should I pull for? The President. No, wait, the mutant. No, wait, the President. And then some good mutants are injected with a mind control drug. So then they become bad guys. And then Magneto's a good guy. And Professor X is a bad guy. And good guys become bad guys and bad guys become good guys, and vice versa. The whole damn thing is like a WWF rumble, with Ric Flair changing sides four times during the course of the match. You say the French are on our side? Are you sure? And the damn exposition. I'll give you a for instance. Nightcrawler--who looks really cool--has been zapping and bamfing all through the movie, teleporting everywhere. And then he says, "I can't teleport where I can't see." What? What? Since when? You've been teleporting all over the frickin place. You teleported out of a plane, man. So then there's this big false build-up, as Nightcrawler is about to teleport, wait for it...into the next room. Oh my beating heart. I don't think I can take much more suspense. And then Professor X has god-like power in one scene--as far as I can tell, he stopped the rotation of the earth--and then in another scene, he's under mind-control from some damn mutant who, I swear to God, is under mind control himself. Now, if you're a mind-controlee can you be a mind-controller? That doesn't make any sense. Better put on your safety helmet, Magneto. And the whole movie, they're whining about being mutants. Do you hear Batman whining about his dead parents in the sequel? Hell no. It's a sequel, you ought to be used to being a mutant by now. Quit yer bitchin and go fight the bad guys already. Sheesh, what a long movie. 1977 The Hill 1978 World Trade Center 1979 We Own the Night 1980 Little Miss Sunshine 1981 Swamp Thing 1982 The Whole Nine Yards 1983 The Blue Collar Comedy Tour 1984 Rumble Fish 1985 Beetlejuice 1986 The Daytrippers 1987 Art School Confidential 1988 2 Days in Paris 1989 Smokey and the Bandit 1990 The Beat That My Heart Skipped 1991 Panic 1992 Mannequin 1993 Serendipity 1994 Osmosis Jones The Farrelly brothers here are going for the gross-out in a big way. It's the sort of film where I laughed, shivered, and looked away all at the same time. Part animation and part live-action, Chris Rock plays a white blood cell, trying to kill the evil virus that entered Bill Murray's body after he ate an egg that a monkey had been sucking on. I don't know how much money they paid Murray. But it wasn't for his acting so much as his willingness to look completely repulsive and disgusting. For instance, there's a (deleted) scene where a huge bugger is hanging out of his nose, and his finger is about to pick the bugger, and the white blood cell (Rock) and the cold remedy (David Hyde Pierce) are in a panic because they're in the bugger, but then Murray decides to snort the bugger back up into his nose. So the two microbes ended up safe, but they landed in a massive disgusting pile of snot somewhere in the nostril. I told you the movie was gross. I never knew there were so many disgusting areas of the body, and we visit them all. Worst date movie ever. But still kinda funny. 1995 Starman 1996 Jonny Quest episode - "Riddle of the Gold" 1997 Suicide Club 1998 Rescue Dawn 1999 Trees Lounge 2000 any random episode of House 2001 Mr. Holland's Opus 2002 New in Town 2003 Home Alone 2004 Bad Day at Black Rock 2005 Tremors 2006 Reality Bites 2007 Bright Lights, Big City 2008 Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome 2009 Barbershop 2 2010 The Curse of the Were-Rabbit 2011 Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo 2012 any random episode of The Andy Griffith Show. You know, Aunt Bea is a nice woman. I must know a thousand women who remind me of Aunt Bea. I get a little guilty when I think about Aunt Bea. Sit down, Aunt Bea. Take a load off. Are you dating anybody? Maybe you should start a hobby or something. You're spoiling those men rotten. Rotten! Look at that damn Andy Griffith. Won't marry that Helen. You know why? Cause he's got you, Aunt Bea, to wash his undershorts. Plus he's in no hurry cause Helen's got no other options. Who's she gonna leave him for? Floyd? Goober? Barney? Andy could date six women simultaneously and they'd all be happy about it. That is a big fish in a little pond. Meanwhile, seasons pass, and Helen's getting older and older. That clock keeps tickin'. And Andy's like, "No, I'm not marrying you, Helen, ever. Dummy! I got Aunt Bea to do my housework, plus I got free milk from you, and any other pretty woman who wanders into my town. Just be glad I'm avoiding that hillbilly girl. That's some in-laws I don't want to have." And Opie's like, "Pa, I need a ma." And Andy's like, "You got Aunt Bea, you little runt. Shut up." And Helen's getting older and older. And Andy's playing his guitar on his porch. "I got the best gig in the woooooooooooooooorld. Taxpayers payin' my salaryyyyyyyyyy. And we got no criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. Except that damn Otis. Who locks himself up. Yes I say he locks himself up. And we got no criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. And I don't even have to rhyme. And we got no black people. I say we got no blaaaaaaaaaaack people in Maybareeeeeeeeeeee. It might be a racist show, but only if you noooooooooootice. Cause we're soooooooooooooooo nice. I say we're sooooooooooooo nice. We're nice! Sing it, Aunt Bea." And Aunt Bea's like, "Oh no." "Come on, Aunt Bea. Sing it!" "I'm doing the dishes." 2013 The Perfect Summer II 2014 Compromising Positions 2015 The Harmonists 2016 Gladiator 2017 The Desert Fox 2018 V For Vendetta 2019 Ran 2020 Inland Empire 2021 Force of Evil 2022 Chuck Jones Extremes and Inbetweens: A Life in Animation 2023 Traffic 2024 The River Wild 2025 Fellini Satyricon 2026 Beauty and the Beast 2027 The Warriors 2028 I Was a Male War Bride Cary Grant is a good-looking guy, but man oh man he's an ugly woman. You'd think that he would be good-looking woman. Huh. It doesn't work that way. Maybe he had a bad wig. I've never been so aware of the manliness of Cary Grant before. I mean, he's not a big, tough guy. He's skinny. But dress him up as a woman, suddenly he looks like a giant, awkward, ugly man. I guess my subconscious was trying to warn me. "That's a man, he's a man, that's definitely a man." Dustin Hoffman looked like a really ugly woman. Cary Grant looked like a big man in a dress. Dude, you're not foolin' anybody. 2029 The Twelve Chairs (1970) 2030 Runaway Bride 2031 The Scarlet and the Black 2032 Seinfeld episode -- "The Movie" (1993) 2033 Up 2034 any random episode of Homicide: Life on the Street 2035 Dude, Where's My Car? 2036 any random episode of The Sopranos 2037 My Life to Live 2038 Freeze Me 2039 any random episode of Family Ties 2040 Joy Ride

C (380) 2041 Never Say Never Again This is the remake of Thunderball. And you can tell this was made in the '80's because James Bond is playing video games with the bad guy. I wish I was kidding. And when you're losing, the joystick would shock you. "Ah! Ah! I'm getting shocked by the joystick! Ah! Ah!" What's wrong with baccarat, you nimrods? James Bond is never more embarrassing than when he tries to be up-to-date. Like when they put him in a Burt Reynolds movie with a redneck sheriff, or they put him in a Star Wars movie with frickin' laser beams on the moon, or he's in a Kung Fu movie. "Hi-ya!" 2042 Cashback 2043 Runaway 2044 Eraserhead Lynch is a strange cat and this movie is his strange masterpiece. What I think happened is he made a woman pregnant, and he had a series of nightmares about a mutant fetus baby. The movie opens with a giant womb, and I guess that's a zygote droppping in there with a splash. And then there's the dance hall sequence with the embryos falling from the sky, and the dance hall girl dances on top of them, squishing them, and they go wah! Or something. Dude, it's weird. 2045 City Heat 2046 Four Seasons 2047 On the Waterfront Elia Kazan, a former Communist, testified before the House Un-American Activities Committee. He named several of his friends as Communists, and none of them could make movies anymore. Elia Kazan could still make movies, and this is the one he made first. It is clearly and unmistakably an attempt to justify his actions. So I think the film should be judged with this in mind. To me, Communists are idiots. I got no patience for Communist morons. If Elia Kazan wants to make a movie about how he used to be a moron and he’s really sorry, okay. Might be a good movie. Might be The Green Berets, too, I’m not saying he gets a free pass. But I like a good anti-Commie movie. This is not an anti-Commie movie, in my opinion. It’s more like a weasel with an excuse movie. It’s a movie about a union on the docks. And this union is filled with workers, and the workers are good. The only problem is, these workers have been infiltrated by criminals. I got a “Trotsky’s bitchin’ about Stalin” vibe from this movie. It’s like Orwell saying that Lenin pig was okay, it’s only that damn Stalin pig that messed it all up. Come on, people. Marx was a moron. You can’t fix Marx. He’s a power-mad fruitcake and he killed 100 million people. Marx wasn’t infiltrated by criminals. He’s the frickin’ mastermind. Dictators suck. Start with that. You’re supposed to be frickin’ liberals. Rant rant rant. This movie is like one pinko pointing his finger at another pinko and saying, “J’accuse!” Within the context of this movie, he’s a criminal who rats out other criminals in order to get a lighter sentence. What’s heroic about that? The primary motivation for Kazan’s actions, it seems to me, is his selfish desire to keep making movies. So he squashed the careers of people who were no worse than he was, and maybe a lot better. He squashed them and then went out and made a movie calling them criminals, while he's a hero. So this movie leaves me with a foul taste in my mouth. It’s rat propaganda. 2048 Dream Lover 2049 The Hidden 2050 Fearless 2051 Batman vs. Dracula 2052 The Man Who Wasn't There 2053 The Red Violin 2054 American Psycho 2055 Forgetting Sarah Marshall 2056 The Last of Sheila 2057 Gingerbread Man 2058 Dancer, Texas Pop. 81 2059 Lantana 2060 Rush Hour 3 2061 The Illusionist 2062 The Taking of Pelham One Two Three 2063 Rocky II 2064 The Apostle 2065 Wedlock (1991) TV movie made for HBO. Kind of a sci-fi adaptation of The 39 Steps. Instead of being handcuffed together, the couple are wearing these explosive collars that will go off if they separate. Rutger Hauer is fun in this; he's kinda pudgy, like Walter Matthau. Mimi Rogers and Joan Chen are also cool. 2066 The Big Kahuna 2067 Mighty Aphrodite 2068 The Killer 2069 Leap of Faith 2070 Major League 2071 Targets 2072 Failure to Launch 2073 Something’s Gotta Give First act is hysterical, Jack is doing some priceless physical comedy. Witty dialog, everything's clicking. Diane looks the best she has ever looked in any movie. Second act is sweet and romantic. Everything's great, I'm happy as a clam. Third act, disaster. Movie just deflates. This script badly needed another rewrite, maybe two. Poor Keanu has to play the most two-dimensional character in his acting career, and that's saying something. "Hi, I'm the good-looking young doctor who has the hots for Diane. I love you, Diane! And I've seen all your plays, even the ones that have never been produced, and oh yes, I make house calls, and if you stand me up I won't mind, and when I ask you to marry me, I will then read your mind and realize that you love another, and I will gracefully step aside without even a whimper, like the wonderful plot device that I am. Have a nice day." Booooooo. And don't get me started on the 2 fake heart attacks, or the walk-the-earth-talking-to-every-woman-I've-sleptwith subplot. Good luck with that one, Ahab. Third act completely sucks. Meyers handles her cast brilliantly, and you'll see some wonderful work from just about everybody. Too bad about that lameass third act. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. 2074 Elf 2075 Dragnet 2076 The Great Dictator It's a suckfest. Maudlin beyond belief, unfunny, boring. First ten minutes is pretty good, all the WWI stuff. But it drags, and drags, and drags, and Chaplin keeps making up German words, as if that lame joke gets funnier the 30th time you repeat it. Humor is the hardest genre to work in, I think, because failure is so obvious--you're not laughing. Well, I was hearing crickets. Booooooooooooooooooo. 2077 Shrek 2 2078 Barbary Coast 2079 You Kill Me 2080 Four Times That Night 2081 The Crimson Rivers Hysterically bad movie, with cool cinematography. Kind of a French movie version of Se7en, with martial arts and a horrible soap opera plot. I'll try to sum up the plot. Okay, there are a bunch of smart people who want to breed a superior race. So they steal babies from the peasants. And then I guess they wait until the babies get older, so they can breed with 'em, to make a superior race? I didn't quite get the "stealing babies". Oh yeah, and one of the babies, who wasn't stolen, is dead, hit by a truck, and nothing was left of her except a finger. Which is important because later when they find a fingerprint from the serial killer, it will match the finger! Oooooo, so the ghost of the dead not-stolen baby is the serial killer! Except it turns out she wasn't dead, the mother just chopped off her finger to mislead the demons. Are you following me? Anyway, by the end of the movie, when all is revealed? It was kind of like in Tootsie when Dustin Hoffman was explaining why he was a man. Except it's even funnier. Ebert gave this movie 3 and a half stars. I guess incoherency doesn't bother him much. Anyway, if you want to see a cheesy bad serial killer movie from France, with cool cinematography, here you go. 2082 Charlie Chan at the Circus 2083 High Anxiety 2084 National Lampoon's Vacation 2085 The Bourne Ultimatum 2086 The Ghost Breakers 2087 Jules and Jim It's a feminist fantasy about two nice guys who love a woman but are totally non-possessive and liberated. "You're going to have sex with my best friend? Well, I love you, so whatever makes you happy. Go and have fun." She keeps hopping beds, jumping back and forth between these two men, and they are always happy when she's there and always happy when she's gone. It's utopia! Me, if I love you, I am seriously pissed when you're sleeping with my best friend. Sorry, I just am. Don't sleep with my best friend! Bitch. I think it's cause I got an animal, biological desire to reproduce. I want to make sure that baby's mine. I like the bad girls up until baby time. You know if Batman and Catwoman get it on and have a baby, and the baby comes out flying and afraid of kryptonite, Batman's gonna be pissed. I'd be pissed. "I ain't marrying you, Catwoman, unless you reform and swear an oath in a church." And you say birth control and DNA tests ought to put an end to this retro, pre-historic male attitude about female sexuality, and I say well, that didn't happen. Provocative film, kinda interesting film. Nice cinematography. But after awhile the bed-jumping's boring as hell. And the film is way too talky. It's talk talk talk talk talk talk. And nobody gets mad. You know, sometimes you're talking in order to avoid feeling your emotions. Quit talking, dumb ass. Throw a lamp. And fall in love, you deranged nympho. 2088 The Prince of Tides 2089 Bandits 2090 Lady Vengeance 2091 A Beautiful Mind 2092 Kiss of Death 2093 Play It Again, Sam 2094 The Last Wave 2095 The Savages 2096 Passed Away 2097 The Craft 2098 No Country For Old Men What's so aggravating about this movie, you think it's going to go somewhere, you think there's going to be some climax or finale, something, and the auteurs quit right in-2099 Time Out 2100 Audition 2101 Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) You know what, they don't even meet the guy. Frankenstein's the doctor. You met the monster. Doh! Anyway, Lou sits in the monster's lap, and Bela hams it up as Dracula, which made me want to watch Ed Wood again. Now that's a great movie. This movie? I dunno. I didn't laugh once, but it's still kind of enjoyable, in a campy sort of way. 2102 Things Change 2103 Wonder Boys 2104 The Running Man 2105 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Everybody loves Indiana Jones, and we've been crying out for a sequel for years and years. Fans: "Make a fourth one." Spielberg: "No, no." Fans: "Come on. Make a fourth one." Spielberg: "No, I can't. Really." Fans: "Make a fourth one. Please!" Spielberg: "I'd like to, but I really can't." Fans: "Make a fourth one! Why not? How hard can it be? Make a fourth one. Make a fourth one. We're holding our breath until we turn blue! Make a fourth-Spielberg: "Okay, okay. I'll do it." Fans: "You suck." 2106 Playing God 2107 The Hard Way 2108 Donnie Brasco 2109 Silverado 2110 Big 2111 Twisted This stars Ashley Judd, Samuel Jackson, and Andy Garcia, all of whom I like, and was directed by Philip Kaufman (Invasion of the Body Snatchers). It's a modern day film noir, set in San Francisco. Should be awesome, right? Instead it's maybe the worst frickin movie of the 21st century. It's laughably bad. It's so bad it's almost fun to watch. This woman, everytime she drinks a glass of wine from this bottle, she passes out. Can't remember anything. And there’s a serial killer in San Francisco. So she’s worried about her blackouts. She starts wondering, "Hey, am I a serial killer? Maybe I'm killing people and I can't remember it." Meanwhile, she's still drinking a glass of wine from the frickin bottle. She drinks a glass of wine Monday, passes out. Tuesday, passes out. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, pass out, pass out, pass out. Hey, I dunno, I'm not a Master Detective, but maybe the bottle of wine is drugged. You think? Or the grapes went bad. Something. Get a new bottle of wine, clueless. Let's face it, You Can't Handle The Wine. Stay Away From the Wine! She wakes up with blood on her shirt. Hmmmmmm. What should I have with dinner tonight? Wine! She kills me. No wait, I'm sorry, she kills everyone else. No, wait, she's not a psychokiller after all. Oh, the mystery. Cripes, this is horribly horribly bad. But kinda fun. But horrible. 2112 Planet of the Apes (1968) 2113 Lars and the Real Girl 2114 The Avengers episode -- "The House That Jack Built" 2115 A History of Violence 2116 Silver City 2117 First Family (1980) 2118 The Great Santini 2119 Before Sunrise 2120 Grave of the Fireflies One of those realistic anime movies that don't have assassins or ninjas or aliens or robots. Couple of kids struggle to survive during WWII bombing. I personally felt they piled on the pathos a bit too much. The kids were a bit too saintly, the evil aunt was a bit too evil. And the ending in particular was mawkish. Also, I had a little voice in my head that kept saying, "It's World War II. Yea, America! Keep dropping bombs until we win. Yea, America!" So that was kind of awkward. 2121 Shadowlands 2122 Chasing Amy 2123 Hooper 2124 Primal Fear 2125 What Lies Beneath 2126 Radio Days 2127 Free Enterprise 2128 Early Spring 2129 Hiding Out 2130 Titan A.E. 2131 any random episode of Star Trek 2132 Fast Times at Ridgemont High 2133 My Blueberry Nights Horrible Wong Kar-Wai misfire. Well, it's not horrible, but I was disappointed. 2134 Hellbound: Hellraiser II 2135 See No Evil, Hear No Evil 2136 Hollow Man 2137 Body of Lies 2138 Secret Lives of Dentists Damn it. I was looking forward to this, and it kinda sucks. A dentist suspects his wife is having an affair, but he doesn't do anything or say anything. The only thing he does is conjure up a fantasy image--played by Denis Leary--who berates him for being such a wuss. Sounds funny, right? Not funny. Yo, Mr. Rudolph, if you want Leary to be funny, you need to give him funny lines to say. Definitely not a comedy, more of a low-key drama. A drama without any drama. A movie with this much vomit should be funnier. I got so annoyed with the protagonist, Mr. Avoidance. "I suspect my wife is having an affair, but I don't want to ask her, so I'm going to avoid her by sleeping on the ground outside." Cripes. And Mr. Leary? I could suggest a nice conditioner. Pert, that's a good one. Anyway, it's a highly realistic lowkey non-drama, that doesn't really go anywhere. And that injects Denis Leary for non-comic relief. Great performances, though, by Hope Davis and Campbell Scott in the leads. 2139 Father Goose 2140 The Darjeeling Limited 2141 Extreme Measures 2142 Wall Street 2143 Lost Horizon This is surprisingly cool, for a movie with very little conflict. Starts off with a mystery, with a bunch of people hijacked and taken to Shangri-La. I think Spielberg ripped this off a bit when he made Temple of Doom. Except they eat better in this movie. Anyway, Shangri-La turns out to be a cool place, and everybody wants to be gentle and good. Capra is so frickin corny and this movie is no exception. But he has talent. Pretty cool set designs, acting is good, cinematography is good. I don’t know, it's a cool movie. I was still bored. You're too perfect, Shangri-La. Strife! Where’s my strife? I say skip this one and watch She instead. Now you’re talking. 2144 G.I. Jane 2145 Invincible 2146 The Mask of Zorro 2147 When We Were Kings 2148 City of God 2149 Topkapi 2150 The Wild Child It’s okay. Francois Truffaut trains the elephant boy. It was kind of like watching home movies for an hour and a half. "Look, there's little Timmy spelling the word 'milk' with his blocks." 2151 Back to the Future, part III 2152 The Kid Stays in the Picture 2153 Scarface 2154 The Pallbearer 2155 Tapeheads 2156 Heights 2157 Traveller 2158 Kindergarten Cop 2159 Tequila Sunrise 2160 The Devil Wears Prada 2161 Love Jones 2162 any random episode of The Beverly Hillbillies 2163 Wyatt Earp 2164 The Full Monty 2165 The Chase 2166 Flash Gordon 2167 Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure 2168 Red Eye 2169 Kagemusha: The Shadow Warrior 2170 The Village 2171 Home For the Holidays 2172 Mississippi Burning 2173 Fog of War 2174 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang 2175 A Fistful of Dollars 2176 Decalog: Two Didn't really work for me. A doctor doesn't want to tell a woman whether her husband, who is in a coma, is going to die or not. To him, to make such a pronouncement would be like playing God. It's an interesting idea but the execution is off. The doctor doesn't come across as humble, but rather this pain-in-the-ass old guy with incredibly bushy eyebrows who doesn't give a damn about other people. And the wife is a really awful human being. The only one you can really like is coma guy, and he's asleep. 2177 The Americanization of Emily 2178 Pay It Forward 2179 Opportunity Knocks 2180 Milk Money 2181 2010: The Year We Make Contact 2182 JFK 2183 The Blair Witch Project 2184 An Ideal Husband 2185 Class 2186 Battleship Potemkin Eisenstein is the big name in Soviet cinema for a reason. His Odessa steps sequence is priceless cool. What they don't tell you, is that to get to this incredible scene of artistic brilliance, you first have to sit through a good hour of utter crapola. A+ for the fantastic climax, minus a couple of letter grades for jamming it into this unwatchable pile of cinematic goo. You know all those Sight and Sound people who rate Potemkin as best movie ever are either seriously delusional pinko twits, or their finger is jammed down hard on that fast forward button. I bet it's the latter. Even Commies hate Commie movies. I mean, they suck. Man, that's a great scene, though. 2187 Cast Away 2188 Quatermass and the Pit 2189 Innocence 2190 Sudden Impact 2191 Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil 2192 The Others 2193 The Matrix Reloaded (2003) 2194 Crash (1997) 2195 The Chorus 2196 Insomnia (2002) 2197 Coal Miner's Daughter 2198 The Front 2199 Cliffhanger 2200 League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 2201 Fortress 2202 Get Carter Michael Caine plays a contract killer who wants to find out who killed his brother. And there's a lot of violence as he gets madder and madder. If you enjoy Dirty Harry type movies you'll love this. You'll need to run the subtitles though, cause the accents are so thick. 2203 The Train 2204 Blade 2205 The Hand That Rocks the Cradle 2206 Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking 2207 Days of Wine and Roses 2208 any random episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 2209 Lilo & Stitch 2210 Dr. Dolittle 2211 Matewan 2212 Black Widow 2213 Kiss of the Spider Woman 2214 Underground 2215 Educating Rita 2216 Terror in a Texas Town 2217 Crocodile Dundee 2218 Buffet Froid 2219 Take the Money and Run 2220 Mean Girls 2221 Terminal Velocity 2222 Always 2223 Taking Care of Business 2224 Grand Illusion 2225 At Close Range 2226 The Quick and the Dead 2227 A Wedding 2228 Monster in a Box 2229 The Hurricane 2230 Destiny Turns On the Radio 2231 Broken Flowers 2232 The Relic 2233 Clash By Night 2234 Oxford Blues 2235 Leaving Las Vegas 2236 The Queen 2237 Shanghai Nights 2238 Finding Forrester 2239 Casulties of War 2240 True Identity 2241 Platoon I thought this movie rocked the first time I saw it. (Me: "Why did Kubrick make a Vietnam movie? I mean, Oliver Stone already made Platoon!"). Today, I literally cannot sit through this movie. Charlie Sheen is a bad actor. Stone's dialog is insipid, particularly the letters home to his mom. The bad guy is one-dimensional and boring. Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket improve on repeat viewings. Platoon is embarrassing. 2242 The Greatest Game Ever Played 2243 Pretty Persuasion 2244 California Split 2245 Bad Santa (2003) 2246 The Killing Fields 2247 The Great Gatsby 2248 Footloose 2249 Illegally Yours 2250 Billy Madison 2251 Ali 2252 any random episode of I Love Lucy 2253 Clockwise 2254 A Dangerous Woman 2255 Lover Come Back (1962) 2256 The Drowning Pool (1976) 2257 We're No Angels (1955) 2258 Bringing Down the House 2259 Shaolin Soccer Reminds me a lot of The Full Monty for some reason. "Hey, monks, let's play soccer!" It's kind of the Hong Kong version of "hey, steelworkers, let's be strippers!" It's funny for like five seconds. Unfortunately the movie goes on for another 90 minutes at least. And each of the monks has a super soccer power that's kind of embarrassing to watch. And the special effects suck. It's not an evil film, just kind of lame. 2260 Bridget Jones's Diary 2261 Paths of Glory 2262 Videodrome 2263 The Walker 2264 The Transporter 2265 The Outsiders 2266 Click 2267 Derailed 2268 Play It to the Bone 2269 The Tuxedo 2270 Brighton Beach Memoirs 2271 Salvador 2272 Above the Law 2273 Rocky III 2274 Hollywood Homicide 2275 Stir Crazy 2276 Coneheads 2277 Air Force One 2278 The Green Mile 2279 The Filth and the Fury 2280 Scoop 2281 The War 2282 The Babe 2283 Police Academy 2284 American Movie 2285 Stand and Deliver 2286 The Exorcism of Emily Rose 2287 Amistad 2288 The Faculty 2289 B. Monkey 2290 The Fox and the Hound 2291 Wayne's World 2 2292 The Lost World: Jurassic Park 2293 Less Than Zero 2294 Thesis Dark little horror film from Spain, by the guy who did Open Your Eyes. It's pretty good. A college student is doing a thesis on snuff films, and she starts investigating the disappearance of a couple of co-eds, and she gets a little too close to the criminals. It's dark and atmospheric, nice cinematography, acting is good. The weakness is in the script. One too many major plotholes, characters acting out of character, the movie often abandons logic in order to do something stylish. Really, the plot is mush. And the lead actress screams one too many times, for no reason. "My professor is following me down the hall. Aiiiieeeeeeeee!" One of those movies where they keep switching the bad guy. He's the bad guy, no he's the bad guy, no he's the bad guy. So it's an annoying movie, but definitely atmospheric and highly watchable, if you like horror movies. 2295 Stray Dog (1949) 2296 Dangerous Liaisons 2297 Lucky You 2298 Eyes Wide Shut It’s hard to discuss Stanley Kubrick with some people. Cause Kubrick has a cult following. And when I say "cult following," I mean, he has a cult. They're Kubrickians. Kubrickian: "I didn't really like Eyes Wide Shut, the first time I saw it? I need to watch it a few more times in order to get what Kubrick is trying to say." Me: "Dude, the movie sucks. It sucks today, it sucked yesterday, tomorrow it will suck. It suck suck suck suck suck sucks." Luckily, Kubrickians are a gentle cult. I think they're pacifists. So all this Kubrickian did was roll his eyeballs up into his head. Clearly, I did not understand the nature of his god. Kubrickian: "Kubrick made the movie for a reason. There has to be a reason. I don't understand why yet..." The Kubrickian blames himself! Failure to understand Kubrick is a fault of the follower, not the god himself. Kubrick does not err. Kubrick does not act irrationally. And if Kubrick does act irrationally, no doubt Kubrick intends this as a brilliant perfect comment on man's irrationality. Perhaps Eyes Wide Shut is a comment on man's inability to control the world. Yes, the suckiness is intentional! If you doubt the existence of the Kubrickian cult, understand that the influential Sight and Sound poll has been infilitrated by Kubrickians. So, for instance, you will have some esteemed critic somewhere claiming that, ahem, Eyes Wide Shut is one of the ten greatest films ever made. I think perhaps these sad souls are abducted at airports, where their eyeballs are peeled back with scotch tape, and they are forced to watch Barry Lyndon 19 times in a row, by flickering candlelight. "Yes, I believe! He is a god! Can I go now?" I'm not sure if they allow volunteers or not. You might have to wait around for the abduction. If you try sneaking into the secret meetings, remember to chant "free will" in unison, or you will get in trouble. Also, don't call him "Stanley". Kubrickians hate it when you call him "Stanley". If you want to avoid becoming a Kubrickian, that's easy--just avoid airports. If you're wondering why Kubrick stayed in England for the last 40 years of his life, it's cause he was afraid of airports. The Kubrickians might have abducted him by mistake. "I'm Kubrick, you fools! I don't want to listen to the dialog from Killer's Kiss any more! I was young, I didn't know what I was doing! Help!" This was his nightmare. So he hunkered down in England, getting fat and growing a beard. He remained incognito, working feverishly for a decade and two, trying to make a movie bad enough to free the cult from their tortured existence. Twelve long lonely years later, eating ding dongs and watching his stock portfolio, Kubrick finally gives the world... Eyes Wide Shut! Yes, he made a movie about a man, an innocent man, a good looking man (am I the only one who has noticed the striking resemblance between Stanley Kubrick and Tom Cruise?) who is sucked into, wait for it, a cult. With secret meetings and secret handshakes. Kubrick has made his nightmare into his art. Oh, the genius of the man. And did you notice that the movie cult has no god? Perhaps this was a grim foreshadowing of the death of Kubrick. Or perhaps Kubrick was saying that Kubrick was never Kubrick, or maybe he was, but he was also Stanley, that nice Jewish boy from New York, who liked photography and was shy around girls. In any event, the great god Kubrick left his cult his final movie, a bold statement about the cult, and how the cult has no god. Kubrick: "I have done it at last. A mediocrity! Now maybe they'll go home and get laid and leave me alone." 2299 The Peacemaker 2300 Unhitched 2301 Intersection 2302 Contact 2303 Shadows and Fog 2304 Crossing Delancy 2305 Ugetsu 2306 Hollywood Ending 2307 Little Children 2308 The Fortune Cookie 2309 Postcards From the Edge 2310 Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist 2311 Cats & Dogs 2312 Peggy Sue Got Married 2313 The Taste of Others 2314 An Officer and a Gentleman 2315 Love Actually 2316 any random Hong Kong Phooey cartoon. I used to watch this cartoon with my Dad when I was a kid. Today my Dad can't remember a movie to save his life. He's always asking my Mom, "Did I see that?" He's got selective amnesia. He can't remember the name of the movie we're watching while we're watching it. But Hong Kong Phooey, he remembers. I wrote him a poem for Father's Day when I was a kid; my mom had it framed. I remember my last line, "The king, the Don, the daddy, who is screwy." I went with "screwy" cause I had to rhyme with "And together we watch Hong Kong Phooey." In third grade you try to impose a rhymying structure on your poetry. At least, I did. They only had a season or two of Hong Kong Phooey. It was a Hanna-Barbara cartoon about martial arts, it probably came out right after Year of the Dragon. He was a crime-fighting dog who was a mild-mannered janitor at police headquarters, and then he'd put a mask on and become Hong Kong Phooey, number one super-guy. He was an incompetent martial arts master of mischief. And there was a cat, I think. What made him super-cool was his voice, done by Scatman Crothers. That has to be the coolest name ever. I know his mama didn't call him "Scatman" but it's still cool. Scatman would go on to get cast in The Shining, so you know Stanley Kubrick had to be sitting at home, watching Hong Kong Phooey. I was a Hanna-Barbara man. Jonny Quest, Scooby-Doo. This frickin' thing called Jabber Jaw. It was a big talking shark, came out right after Jaws, I guess. Hanna-Barbara had no pride. Blue Falcon. I bet you don't remember Blue Falcon. Boy, that was an uptight white man. With a serious jaw. Blue Falcon and Dyno-Mutt. I hated Super-Friends, mostly cause I hated those seriously gay twins. "Form of, iceberg." That was retarded. I was a mean critic even when I was nine. I hated Captain Caveman. Really the only reason I was a Hanna-Barbara man was because by the time I was nine I had seen every Bugs Bunny cartoon at least twice. I don't know how much money they paid Mel Blanc but it wasn't enough. I was serious about my cartoons. My brother, too. We'd get up at six in the morning; I'd set my alarm. I'll bet my Dad started watching Hong Kong Phooey cause it came on at a reasonable hour, like ten in the morning. He had no interest in any other cartoons. Not even The Chan Clan. But he loved Hong Kong Phooey. I think he liked it more than I did. 2317 Black Knight 2318 The Long Kiss Goodnight 2319 The Man Without a Face 2320 Cellular 2321 Mulan 2322 The Music of Chance 2323 Darkman 2324 Twilight (1998) 2325 All the Right Moves 2326 Bruce Almighty It’s not sacrilegious, just kinda horrible. It’s Oh God meets Patch Adams. I say “Patch Adams” because the director, Shadyac, is responsible for Patch Adams. This movie is not half as bad as Patch Adams, but it's not great, or even good. Carrey is not a great actor to begin with, and oh my God Shadyac somehow makes him worse. "I stepped in a puddle! My leg is wet! Oh no! And I'm overacting!" Yikes. Carrey has a couple of funny scenes (his on-camera meltdown is funny, and the first bit with the nosepicker) but by and large this film is so frickin sentimental, in that annoying flower child way, that I just wanted to barf. I don't think Shadyac is actually an anti-Christ who wants to drive people to atheism. He's just inept. And shame on you, Morgan, for selling your soul for this dreck. How much did they pay you for that zombie performance? Anniston is actually pretty credible, in a thankless role. 2327 Erin Brockovich 2328 Houseguest 2329 Kelly's Heroes 2330 The Replacement Killers 2331 That's Life 2332 Maid in Manhattan 2333 Paradise Now 2334 Reindeer Games 2335 Grumpy Old Men 2336 The Naked Spur 2337 Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2338 Fantastic Voyage 2339 Regarding Henry 2340 Columbo episode -- "The Conspirators" 2341 The Great McGinty 2342 L'Auberge Espagnole 2343 Batman 2344 The Stunt Man 2345 Hang 'em High 2346 Smokey and the Bandit II 2347 Pauline at the Beach 2348 Anaconda 2349 Matrix Revolutions (2003) 2350 Pump Up the Volume 2351 Sweet Home Alabama 2352 Good Will Hunting 2353 Purple Rain 2354 Sweet Liberty 2355 any random episode of The Cosby Show 2356 The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes 2357 Freaks 2358 Dreamscape 2359 Two of a Kind 2360 Neighbors 2361 Worth Winning 2362 All About Eve 2363 Bob Roberts 2364 About Last Night... 2365 Ichi the Killer Dude, this movie turned me into a pacifist. Quit slashing people up, will you? You're freaking me out. Seriously wrong and immorally violent. Upsetting, bizarre, evil flick. And weird, brother. Ain't no weird like Japanese weird. 2366 The Dead Pool 2367 Redbelt 2368 The Spirit I saw this with two other people and they both hated it. Worst movie ever, they said. Ain't even close to the worst movie ever. I've seen bad, I know what bad looks like. If somebody in film school did this, I'd say, "Dude, that's awesome!" It's good work for an amateur. Visually, it's very striking and interesting. Frank Miller has always been a visual artist, and in that regard this film is much like Sin City or 300. And I dig both those films a lot. But unlike those films, this movie is boring. Frank Miller the director should have fired Frank Miller the screenwriter. Or maybe Eisner's the culprit. Anyway, you've got a hero who can't die fighting a villain who can't die. Can we lower the stakes any more? There's literally no drama in this movie. Miller does have a tendency to write pulpy dialog, sometimes verging on silly. Okay, sometimes he goes over the silly cliff. But a bad line or two (or twelve) isn't going to sink a movie. It's the structure of the film that's bad, the annoying flashbacks, the characters who are introduced for no reason and then dropped. There are good moments, such as Sam Jackson as a Nazi(!) or bug-eyed in the mud, and I enjoyed the bald clones. I liked looking at the movie, the visual side of it. It doesn't engage you emotionally, though, at all. My ass was bored. 2369 Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer 2370 Die Hard 2 2371 any random episode of The Chan Clan 2372 The American President 2373 A Time To Kill 2374 The Nines 2375 St. Elmo's Fire 2376 The Cable Guy 2377 Extreme Prejudice 2378 The Lion King 2379 The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly 2380 The Best of Times 2381 Cape Fear (1962) 2382 Last Chance Harvey 2383 The Waterboy 2384 Lost in America 2385 My Dinner With Andre 2386 A Friend Like Harry 2387 The Man From Laramie 2388 Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo 2389 The Aristocrats 2390 The Hustler 2391 No Man's Land 2392 Underworld U.S.A. 2393 The Man Who Knew Too Much 2394 True Colors 2395 any random episode of Batman: The Animated Series 2396 Octopussy 2397 Action Jackson 2398 Starter for 10 2399 Shining Through 2400 Children of a Lesser God 2401 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy I saw a midnight showing on opening night. Crowd was really pumped up and excited. Clearly a lot of Douglas Adams fans in the audience. The opening song sequence with the dolphins rocks. And then...disappointment. Very little laughter. A couple of funny scenes, but a lot of silence. The lead actor is pretty bad. I thought Marvin looked horrible. I thought Rockwell was actually pretty good as Zaphod, myself. The pacing was fine, the special effects were pretty cool. Really, I couldn't identify anything particularly wrong with the movie. It wasn't boring. It just wasn't laugh out loud funny. At the end of it, a lot of people applauded. But these were the same people who were not laughing throughout the movie. The applause was probably a tribute to Adams rather than the actual movie that we saw. I really think the problem is that Hitchhiker is primarily a literary experience. What's funny is Adams' use of language. But there aren't a lot of funny situations in his books. The humor in the books is not visual and doesn't translate well to a visual medium. It was kinda fun seeing this version on the screen, but much of the humor is lost and the whole experience was kinda underwhelming. 2402 The Pornographers 2403 Some Kind of Wonderful 2404 A Perfect Murder 2405 Summer of Sam 2406 Guarding Tess 2407 Mermaids 2408 Spirited Away 2409 any random episode of Law and Order 2410 The Mouse That Roared 2411 Zathura 2412 Her Alibi 2413 Children of Men 2414 any random episode of Frazier 2415 Bringing Out the Dead 2416 Diary of a Chambermaid 2417 Punchline 2418 BMW films: The Hire. I've heard good things about this series of shorts, so I sent the BMW corporation four bucks, and they mailed me the DVD. The list of directors is pretty impressive: John Woo, Tony Scott, Guy Ritchie, Ang Lee, Wong Kar-Wai, John Frankenheimer, Joe Carnahan, Alejandro Gonazalez-Inarritu. Kind of a who's who of action directors. Basically each short features a car chase, with a minimal amount of story. The budgets are high, the production values are high, but the stories themselves are pretty superficial and boring. I kind of liked Ritchie's, he cast his wife (Madonna) as a bitchy star. Clive Owen is good as always, as the driver. Why isn't this guy James Bond? Anyway, if you like shorts you should check this out. 2419 Casino 2420 any random episode of The Simpsons

C- (400) 2421 Creepshow 2422 Fat Girl 2423 Nick of Time 2424 Gojira 2425 Meet John Doe 2426 Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls 2427 Charlie Chan in London 2428 I Love You To Death 2429 No Time For Sergeants 2430 A.I. 2431 Perfume: The Story of a Murderer 2432 52 Pick-Up 2433 After the Sunset 2434 Tristram Shady 2435 Narrow Margin (1990) 2436 The Mighty Quinn 2437 Loaded Weapon 2438 16 Blocks 2439 The Big Red One 2440 Ben-Hur 2441 Rat Race 2442 House on Haunted Hill (1999) Remake of the classic B movie. Bigger budgets and way cooler special effects, and still it sucks in comparison. The original has Vincent Price, dude. Geoffrey Rush, you think you can compete with Vincent Price? That Oscar you won must have corroded your brain. 2443 Charlie Chan in Paris 2444 The Thomas Crown Affair (1968) 2445 Down With Love I thought it was brilliant for the first twenty minutes or so. The costumes and set designs are absolutely amazing. If those guys don't win Oscars, people aren't paying attention. At the beginning of the movie, I was giggling and laughing out loud constantly, at little details. A gaggle of nerdy protesters, wearing ties and holding "Ban the bomb!" signs, hit the ground when a taxi backfires. I liked Zellwinger's open mouth of surprise when her art director makes a suggestively gay remark and then swishes away. I liked the sexism in the boardroom ("While you're up, will you make us a pot of coffee?"). I liked how Catcher Block stood up his date for lunch, dinner and breakfast as he had intercourse with one stewardess after another, each one of a different nationality. I liked the double meaning sex jokes ("oh, you are waylaid"). But the movie falters about a third of the way in. I quit laughing. I got bored with the clothes and the cool sets. I registered how cool-looking they were, but I was still bored. The script is bad. The two leads don't have any chemistry. Zellwinger can't do anger. Doris Day can do anger. She does that feminine disgust at animal male behavior better than any woman alive. I started comparing the two actresses, and Zellwinger came out bad, like a little girl playing dress up. And Ewan McGregor, is that a zit on your forehead? You look like Frankie Muniz. I mean, Rock Hudson was frickin gay and he had more zip with the ladies. Zero chemistry. Zip. Nada. Really cool pictures of the fake moon and the Manhattan skyline. Awesome Sinatra. But no real emotion. I think that was the main problem, too much of this seemed like a cinematic exercise. Can we recreate a period piece? But they didn't bother to create real characters, or even semi-real characters. We needed passion and we got costume, costume, and costume. By the end of the movie, it's like even the filmmakers have given up on the plot. Poor Zellwinger was forced to read what must have been a page of monologue about how the entire movie up till now was an elaborate charade. It's so unrealistic that you get the feeling that the filmmakers have moved from loving homage to mockumentary. And then the PC stormtroopers came in and the Catcher Block character is applying for a job as a secretary. Thanks for the gentle reminder that feminism is good and sexism is bad. Ack. It's really a shame because a lot of love and dedication is up there on the screen. Awesome cinematography, incredible set designs, and loving attention to detail. But the script veers from an unwieldy mishmash of Pillow Talk and Sex and the Single Girl to an absolutely unfunny PC fashion show. I got a headache trying to follow the motivations of the Barbara Novak character. "I had 32 celibate dates with you because I was in love with you, trying to get you to fall in love with me, but now that you're in love with me, I'm not in love with you, because I just realized that I'm a Down With Love girl, which means I could have sex with you, except we're not going to have sex, for no apparent reason whatsoever." If you're going to make a feminist remake of Pillow Talk you might start with a female character who's not a moron. 2446 Fando & Lis 2447 School Ties 2448 Baby Face 2449 Beerfest 2450 Odd Obsession 2451 Silkwood 2452 Funeral in Berlin 2453 Victory 2454 Equilibrium Okay, the positives. Nice set designs, cool fight choreography. Christian Bale is pretty good in the lead. You want the bad news? They stole this plot from Demolition Man. It’s a humorless, sanctimonious rip-off. In this future society, nobody is allowed to have any emotions, cause emotions lead to World War III. And you can’t have any art, cause art leads to emotion, and emotion leads to World War III. So after they invent this rule, of course they don’t apply it to the bad guys, who are always angry and screaming. I often found myself telling all the bad guys to enhance their calm. Fight scenes are pretty cool, but honestly? I'd much rather watch Demolition Man again. "Fluid transfer?!? Ewwwwwwwwww." 2455 Swimming Pool 2456 Young Doctors in Love 2457 Striking Distance 2458 Exotica 2459 Where the Money Is 2460 Steamboy 2461 Columbo episode -- "A Matter of Honor" 2462 A Scanner Darkly (2006) 2463 Death Becomes Her 2464 Alfie 2465 Unlawful Entry 2466 Columbo episode -- "Lady in Waiting" 2467 Sisters 2468 Valley Girl 2469 any random episode of The Office 2470 The Usual Suspects 2471 Racing With the Moon 2472 Rubber Gloves (2001) 2473 Fulltime Killer 2474 Out of Africa 2475 Cocoon 2476 Spanglish 2477 The Last Kiss 2478 Top Secret! 2479 Mortal Kombat 2480 The Cell 2481 We Were Soldiers 2482 The Last Metro 2483 The Bodyguard 2484 The Color of Money 2485 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 2486 The Original Kings of Comedy 2487 On the Line So I'm flipping channels, and I see this movie that's set in Chicago. On the Line. It's about this guy who meets a girl on the El train. They flirt, they like each other. But he forgets to get her name, or her number. And boom, she's gone, out of his life. So the entire movie is about whether they will meet again. I watched the whole thing. I didn't like it, exactly. But I couldn't stop watching it. While I was watching it, I had this feeling of dread. I started to get this feeling that 12-year-old girls across the country were watching this movie with me. And yet, I couldn't stop watching it. I had to see how it was going to end. Also, the cinematography was cool. I insist that the cinematography was cool. Anyway, I start to suspect that this lead actor--who is really bad, it's an unwatchable performance, and yet I couldn't stop watching--is from one of the boy bands. I start to suspect this when some of the cast members sing the horrible musical number at the end of the movie. And this is when I found out that I am doomed to spend eternity in hell. Because I realized, yes, I have watched the entire movie. The thing that kills me, I had no reason to watch the movie. It's not like I'm 12, and I'm trying to hook up with a junior high pimple princess. It was just me and my dog. I’m a middle-aged man. I could be watching wrestling, or a football game, or a war movie. Or, hell, get out of the house. But it's too late for me. I just watched the N'Sync movie. 2488 Topaz 2489 Agent Cody Banks 2490 Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai 2491 Brief Encounter 2492 Alive 2493 Dante's Peak 2494 Underworld: Evolution 2495 The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover 2496 any random episode of The Boondocks 2497 The Specialist 2498 Cactus Flower 2499 The Hitch-Hiker 2500 Pierre le Fou This film aggravated me like no other, and yet it is unquestionably beautiful in places. More on the Vietnam war, and the evils of capitalism. (In one scene, all the characters speak in commercial jingle. It's annoying and thought-provoking all at once). It's pretty artsy-fartsy. Not at all linear. Rumor has it Godard filmed this one without a screenplay. I believe it. 2501 The General Okay, I'm dissing the Buster movie that everybody loves. What's up with that? I don't know. I just didn't like it that much. Yeah yeah, train off a bridge. Dude, I've seen that before. Not impressed with the train off the bridge. I avoided silent films for years. Why? Cause I frickin' started with The General, that's why. Navigator, man, start with Navigator. Sword fight with an octupus, when have you see that? 2502 Cinema Paradiso 2503 The Mystery of Rampo 2504 Lost in La Mancha 2505 Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion 2506 Beverly Hills Ninja 2507 Enemy at the Gates 2508 The Sentinel 2509 Interview With the Vampire 2510 Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge The problem with frickin' Bollywood films is that I watch 'em, I drop 'em in the list, two weeks later I look at that name and I have no frickin' idea which Bollywood movie that is. Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge? Oh yeah, that rings a bell. Yo, Indian distributors, English translations are available for titles, too. Just sayin'. The Bollywood musical is such a formula, they all start to run together after a while, anyway. The only Bollywood movie I will always remember is my first one, that timeless classic, Kuch Kuch Hota Hoi. I could not stay in my chair. I was walking around my apartment singing that frickin' title song. Even a year later, when I barely remember the song, it's kinda fun to say. Kuch kuch hota hoi! I have no idea what the hell I'm saying. I'm sure it's pretty nice, though. Indian musicals are a nice place to visit. Anyway, dilwale dulhania le jayenge! Let those crazy kids marry, you grumpy old man. (Just a guess). 2511 You've Got Mail 2512 Queens Logic 2513 Hard Target 2514 The Brothers McMullen 2515 Empire of the Sun 2516 Hero (2004) Suckfest. Utter suckfest, with awesome cinematography. It is maybe the most pretentious martial arts film I've ever seen. Sort of a cross between Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Red Shoes Diaries, except without any sex. A lot of shots of, I dunno, water droplets. Water droplets are really big in this movie. Oh yeah, and sheets billowing in the wind. And calligraphy. Whenever they babbled about calligraphy, I got the giggles. Or whenever they had one of their mind battles. "We sat there, and fought the battle in our minds, and so we didn't have to move." So you can imagine how exciting that was for us in the audience. And then they babbled about calligraphy some more. There are 18 ways to write the word (I forget what the frickin word is), there are 18 ways to write the word, and he asks the guy to write it in a 19th way. So that takes him a couple of hours, and then he comes up with a 19th way. So then the first guy studies the calligraphy for a couple of hours, because once he figures out the guy's calligraphy, then he can figure out how to defeat his mighty sword. Because swordplay and calligraphy are really the same thing. Oh yeah, on top of all the other crap, this movie is a frickin ode to fascism. I can just see the Commie financiers going, "Yeah, yeah. Keep the peasants in their place." Dumb, pretentious, boring and evil. And Jet Li was apparently hired for his acting ability. $(+&!! 2517 Operation Petticoat 2518 Twilight Zone: The Movie 2519 The Music Man 2520 Easy Rider 2521 A Chorus Line 2522 Lassiter 2523 Criminal 2524 I Love Trouble 2525 The Presidio 2526 Miami Blues 2527 Coming To America 2528 From the Hip 2529 Oleanna 2530 The Waterdance 2531 The Trouble With Harry 2532 Moulin Rouge 2533 Gangs of New York 2534 Fried Green Tomatoes 2535 The Brady Bunch Movie (1995) 2536 Absolute Power 2537 The Star Chamber 2538 True Grit 2539 Midnight Cowboy 2540 Rising Sun 2541 Rush 2542 The Wonderful Horrible Life of Leni Riefenstahl 2543 The Spirit of St. Louis 2544 Top Gun 2545 The King of Comedy 2546 The End of the Century 2547 Field of Dreams 2548 Breach 2549 Miracle 2550 Star Trek III: The Search For Spock 2551 Do The Right Thing 2552 Monster 2553 Forrest Gump 2554 El Dorado 2555 Comedian 2556 Sherman's March 2557 The In-Laws 2558 Rancho Deluxe 2559 Billy Liar 2560 The Tempest 2561 Bonnie and Clyde The Freudian analysis in this movie is kind of sophomoric. "I'm impotent, that's why I rob banks. I'm impotent. Fondle my gun." Oh, it's a tragedy. Watch Deadly is the Female if you want to see the cool , funny version of this story. The self-consciousness of this movie, like they're two kids playing at being bank robbers, they're not serious about it, is a rip-off of Breathless. This film rips off much better and more interesting films, and then ends on a note of brutality. The movie's only real claim to fame is its graphic depiction of violence in the final reel. Arguing this is an improvement for art is like arguing porn is a better depiction of sex than Casablanca. Brutality has its place in art. But so does repression. Keeping things from your audience, denying them their basest desires, is ultimately more interesting and more stimulating. And probably more spiritually enabling. This film humanizes the bad guys and demonizes the cops. Just on that level alone it's kinda retarded. Poor wittle impotent man shot up so bad by those mean, mean fascists. Awwwwwww. 2562 Little Big Man 2563 Wag the Dog 2564 Phone Booth 2565 Glory 2566 The General's Daughter 2567 Another 48 Hours 2568 Mercury Rising 2569 any random episode of Taxi 2570 3:10 to Yuma (2007) 2571 Look Who's Talking 2572 The Newton Boys 2573 Dog Park 2574 The Haunting (1999) 2575 The Last Days of Disco And the last movie from Whit Stillman. After making the awesome Metropolitan and the hilarious Barcelona, Stillman's promising right-wing career bites the disco dust. Man! An ode to disco? That's how you want to go out? The only market smaller than right-wing intellectual is right-wing intellectual who likes disco music. You couldn't find six Republicans to fill that elevator. 2576 Barbarella 2577 Floating Weeds 2578 Hoosiers 2579 Crossfire Trail 2580 San Francisco 2581 Bachelor Party 2582 Moonraker 2583 The Polar Express 2584 American History X 2585 Bad Education 2586 I'll Sleep When I'm Dead 2587 Doubt 2588 People I Know 2589 Ocean's Thirteen 2590 The Philadelphia Story 2591 Lord Love a Duck 2592 Private Benjamin 2593 The Score 2594 Sharkey's Machine 2595 Teachers 2596 Firewall 2597 A River Runs Through It 2598 I Shot Andy Warhol 2599 Memoirs of an Invisible Man 2600 Year of the Dog 2601 American Flyers 2602 Edward Scissorhands 2603 The Beverly Hillbillies 2604 Junior Bonner 2605 White Hunter, Black Heart 2606 A Nightmare on Elm Street 2607 Mission Impossible II 2608 The Goonies 2609 Il Posto This is a Criterion release. Awesome cinematography, but the movie is real slow, and nothing much happens. Nervous guy goes for his first job interview, and meets a girl. If you're looking for actual drama, you want to look elsewhere. But if you want to see cool cinematography, and a highly realistic, low-key foreign film, you might check this out. I think the director is trying to capture a slice of real life, and it seems to me he does that very well. It's a very small movie with lots of small moments. Basically, our protagonist meets a quirky person, and then another quirky person, and another one and another one. Each one gets like ten seconds of screen time. All these quirky people are drawn deftly, and seem like real people you might run across in the subway, or in an office. So that keeps our attention. The protagonist is very shy and introverted, and has these big eyes like he's spooked by the world. But the movie doesn't go anywhere. There's no passion, no drama, no humor. It's sort as if the director is saying, "Office work sucks the life out of you." Which hardly counts as a brilliant insight. Anyway, if you're visually inclined, I would call this a must see. But if you want a good story--or, hell, you don't want to be reminded of what it's like to work in an office--I would say skip this puppy. 2610 Auto Focus 2611 Remember the Titans 2612 Criminal Law 2613 Thief 2614 Romeo Must Die 2615 What's Eating Gilbert Grape? 2616 Eraser 2617 Drowning Mona 2618 Billy Bathgate 2619 Happenstance 2620 Down and Out in Beverly Hills 2621 Twenty-One 2622 White Christmas 2623 The Parallax View 2624 Harvey 2625 Two Mules For Sister Sara 2626 Sweet November 2627 Tupperware! 2628 Malcolm X 2629 Gremlins 2630 Columbo episode: "Lovely But Lethal" 2631 Serpico 2632 The Three Cabelleros 2633 any random episode of The Partridge Family 2634 The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers All the actors were out-acted by a computer program. I usually hate obvious CGI, but the Gollum character is terrific. Wonderful schizo dialog. I had to run the subtitles for the hearing impaired to understand what the little bastard was saying, but that's okay. I didn't figure out until near the end of the movie that there are two sets of frickin hobbits. Apparently I can't tell hobbits apart. I'm a hobbist. So that was embarrassing. Oh, and I thought the giant walking and talking trees, with their branches and their sap and their cruel cruel root system ("Aiiiiieeeeee! The trees! The trees are coming!") was kinda stupid. I don’t know. I’m just not a hobbit man. 2635 King Ralph 2636 Firestarter 2637 Pretty in Pink 2638 The Girl Next Door 2639 Slap Shot 2640 Friends With Money 2641 Time Cop 2642 Jack's Back 2643 Cutter's Way 2644 A Face in the Crowd 2645 The Pope of Greenwich Village 2646 The Atomic Submarine 2647 Assault on Precinct 13 2648 The Phantom Menace Lucas is interesting on the subject of righteous anger. He would argue there is no such thing. Anger at injustice, anger at evil, he would say your anger will lead to more anger. Anger is the path to the dark side. So he identifies controlling your emotions as one of the most important things you can do. When Lucas is all didactic and preachy, that's his number one sermon. His heroes are Jedi Knight hipsters who are mellow and cool. Even though they are living in a cave and a swamp, respectively. And Darth Vader is always angry. He's always clinching his fist and talking about the power of hate and anger. And he's constantly strangling people in his own military. That's gotta be kinda bad for morale, I would think. You know when George is filming Star Wars and nothing's going right and the damn ILM guys are fartin' around like hippies and the D.P. is mouthing off and the kid actors are driving him crazy and nobody in England respects his vision, you know every morning he reminds himself in the mirror not to give in to the dark side. "Don't strangle anybody." Darth is a big strangler. In Star Wars, Darth strangles and then lets the guy go. In Empire he ain't letting anybody go. It's strangle, strangle, strangle. The stormtroopers are constantly dragging dead army guys off the stage. Anyway, I kinda think control of emotions is bad. Bottling up your emotions is bad. If you avoid feeling hate and anger you will also suppress your passion and love. Stab a pillow, you Jedi freaks. The reason we're all yuppies in Prozac Nation today is cause George Lucas taught us all the wrong frickin' lesson when we were nine. In THX 1138, Lucas' art movie, one of the things his characters do is rebel against tranquility and the control of emotions. "Feel!" That's what THX 1138 is about. But of course The Man didn't like that movie. So then Lucas was like, okay, never mind about that feeling stuff. Control, control, control. Now he's a billionaire. The Phantom Menace is kind of disturbing because it's Darth Vader as a little boy. You look for his inner Darth. Is he going to strangle kittens? Maybe he'll rip the head off a doll like that evil kid in Toy Story. And every once in a while, 9-year-old Darth would scowl. He was never smiling, that kid. "Ritalin, put him on Ritalin. Let's tranquilize him." It's a weird vibe. In fact, it's a retarded frickin' movie. Why are we here? You're filming the backstory, George, you moron. I'll bet he doesn't have anybody on staff who gives him a hard time any more. You look at George Lucas, he's a bemused Jedi Knight (with a more upscale lifestyle). He doesn't have to fight his dark side anymore. Everybody agrees with him and everybody's happy and his movie frickin' sucks. Stressed out, fightin' the dark side George Lucas is a way better artist. 2649 any random episode of The Three Stooges 2650 The Patriot 2651 Halloween 2652 Rocknrolla 2653 A Simple Plan 2654 Gross Anatomy 2655 Volver 2656 Shopgirl 2657 Australia 2658 Rules of the Game 2659 Short Circuit 2660 Pocket Money 2661 This Is My Life 2662 Con Air 2663 Once Upon a Time in America 2664 Urban Cowboy 2665 Charlie Chan in Shanghai 2666 The Ghost and Mrs. Muir 2667 The Thing Called Love 2668 Married to the Mob 2669 The Talk of the Town 2670 Anger Management 2671 Sleepers 2672 The Innocent 2673 Pocketful of Miracles 2674 The Singing Detective 2675 Pee Wee's Big Adventure 2676 Red Dawn 2677 Capturing the Friedmans 2678 10 2679 The Court Jester 2680 One Night at McCool's 2681 Traitor 2682 Who Wants to Kill Jessie? 2683 Duel 2684 My Fair Lady 2685 Heavy Metal 2686 Once Upon a Time in the West 2687 The Missing 2688 There Will Be Blood What an amazing performance from Daniel Day-Lewis. And the cinematography is gorgeous. It's a beautiful movie to look at, and his performance is breathtaking. Unfortunately the screenplay is retarded. 2689 Guess Who's Coming To Dinner 2690 Double Life of Veronique 2691 The Cider House Rules 2692 The Tao of Steve 2693 Papillon 2694 The Wedding Crashers 2695 Men With Brooms 2696 Bounce 2697 Scooby-Doo 2698 The Thomas Crown Affair (1999) 2699 I.Q. 2700 Pretty Woman 2701 Clean Slate 2702 To Die For 2703 Cloak and Dagger 2704 Drugstore Cowboy 2705 Tetsuo: The Iron Man 2706 Doctor Detroit 2707 Series 7: The Contenders 2708 Close Encounters of the Third Kind I'm a huge Spielberg fan but this movie, which I finally saw 30 years after everyone else, kinda underwhelmed me. I've read that Spielberg keeps re-editing it, so maybe he's unhappy with it too. Dreyfuss gets really mentally ill in the middle of the picture, and it's played for laughs which is kind of creepy and doesn't work. Kind of reminded me of A Beautiful Mind. Except Dreyfuss doesn't have a beautiful mind, he's more like Moron With a Big Mound of Dirt in His Living Room. And what's up with the aliens, who are supposed to be good guys, kidnapping the little kid? Alien #1: "Captain, look what I found. Can I keep him?" Alien Captain: "Damn it, we're supposed to be on a mission of peace, and you're kidnapping small boys." Alien #1: "I thought maybe you'd want to probe him." Alien Captain: "No! Mission of peace!" Meanwhile the kid's mom is like insanely happy whenever she sees the UFO. I personally think she should have armed herself with an Uzi and gone after the bug-eyed monsters who stole her son. The other interesting aspect is how completely annoying Spielberg imagines suburban life to be. Dreyfuss' kids aren't cute, they're evil and loud. And they have no interest in movies from the 1940s. So Spielberg gives Dreyfuss this completely annoying family, and Dreyfuss retreats into his fantasy obsession about UFOs, and then he gets to leave on a UFO and abandon his family, who were a bunch of whiner brats anyway. I don't know how much this movie mirrors Spielberg's own life, but if it does, he doesn't come across as that cool a guy. More like a self-absorbed narcissist who retreats into his obsessive fantasies in order to disappear and leave his family. Yikes. 2709 Tron 2710 S.W.A.T. 2711 The Shadow 2712 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2713 The Mirror Has Two Faces 2714 Legally Blonde 2715 Drop Dead Fred 2716 Mr. Death: The Rise and Fall of Fred A. Leuchter, Jr. 2717 The Doors 2718 How To Kill Your Neighbor's Dog 2719 The Candidate 2720 The Distinguished Gentleman 2721 Cheaper By the Dozen 2722 The Unbearable Lightness of Being Philip Kaufman is a talented director, I think. His version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers is awesome. But some of his work, like The Right Stuff, or this one, just meanders for three hours. I suppose there are some movies that need three hours to be told. Or, if you're Erich von Stroheim, nine hours. Or, if you're Andy Warhole, nineteen hours. Warhole's name is a lot funnier if you accidentally put an "e" on the end of it. Anyway, maybe three hours is okay, although if my butt was typing these words it would disagree. It's a love triangle, mostly, although two more men pop in and out. So I guess it's a love pentagon. We end up on a farm in Czechoslovakia, and God help me, all I could think of was Green Acres. I think it was because the pig has such an important role. "We're peasants. We're dancing peasants. With our pig in Czechoslovakia!" I was reading once about a director who hated filming sex scenes, because he thought they were boring. I remember going, "huh?" And then I saw this movie, and I go, "oh." And the sex scenes are the best part of the movie, that's the horrible part. The sex scenes are good enough that you keep watching, hoping for cooler sex scenes. It's a pretty good twenty minute soft porn highlight reel. I should say, if you cut out the remaining two hours and forty minutes, it would be a pretty good soft porn highlight reel. With mirrors. I don't know, sex tips and Green Acres. Got to be the most undramatic soft porn anti-Communist pig movie ever. One of my film professors edited this movie, and now I question everything he ever taught me. I guess it's not his fault. He probably had Philip Kaufman standing over his shoulder. "Stretch it out. Longer." My favorite bit was when Daniel Day-Lewis gets mad and he kicks a beanbag into a wall. I guess they were unhappy with the resulting "squish" sound a beanbag makes when you kick it into a wall. So they added a "CLANK!" sound, as if Daniel Day-Lewis was kicking a large file cabinet into a wall. I can imagine the arguments they had on the set. "Okay, after you kick the file cabinet into the wall, storm out of the apartment." "I don't want to kick a file cabinet." "You're angry. We need you to kick something that makes a loud CLANK! sound." "What about this beanbag? I can kick this beanbag." "That's not CLANKY, we need CLANKY." "Beanbag." "File cabinet." "I don't wanna hurt my foot." "Kick the damn file cabinet, you prima donna!" "Beanbag!" "Okay, okay, we'll fix it in post." Anyway, it's art, so they don't worry about the realism too much. Beanbags make clanky sounds. You cheat on your wife, and she's all, "Can I watch? I hate that you're leaving me out. So I'll photograph your girlfriend in the nude, (which will be the last semi-cool sex scene for an hour and a half, by the way). And I won't cheat on you at all, but then I will, with this guy who might be a KGB agent, or not, but we'll have to go to the farm with the pig anyway, and then we'll die in that 20-mile-an-hour car crash that the filmmakers can't show, because people don't die in 20-mile-an-hour car crashes, but what kind of arty film would we have if people drove like maniacs? Better to meander on the road like our movie." The end of the movie, and we're supposed to be moved, I guess, by their death, and I'm going, "Wait, wait, what about the old guy, and the guy with the dislocated shoulder, and the pig? You're just going to take the truck and leave them at the cafe? It's 40 kilometers away. What are they going to do, walk?" My best guess on this is that the filmmakers decided that a 20-mile-an-hour car crash, with two lovers, an old guy, a guy with a dislocated shoulder, and a pig, might be funny. And I'm pretty sure they're going for tragedy here, sort of. At least, I know it's not supposed to be funny. If Philip Kaufman was watching over my shoulder, he would say, "Forget the damn pig, will you? It's not about the pig." But I miss the pig. If you want me to forget the pig, why is the pig in the movie? You've got two major pig scenes and a couple of minor pig scenes. If I had to sum up this movie, it would be... 1) sex 2) anti-communism 3) pig Which sounds like a damn good movie, actually. I would greenlight this movie, and then I would read the 190 page screenplay, and I'd be unhappy. And I'm an antiCommunist. I should like this movie, damn it. At last, an anti-Communist art movie! The thing is, if you're going to do anti-Communism, you need John Wayne to kick a little Commie ass. Instead we get Daniel Day-Lewis. I guess on a theory that John Wayne is dead. And Daniel Day-Lewis is all, "I'm not signing your paper, Commie." That's it? That's your anti-Communism? The least you could do, it seems to me, is add some explosions to the soundtrack. You know, like beanbags clanking into a wall. Give it a little oomph. Later, he'll have sex with the wife of a Communist official. "Take that, Commie wife." He's a window-cleaner, and she invites him in to have sex with her. Isn't that a Benny Hill sketch? I know I've seen that before. Anyway, sex with Commie wife causes problems at home, because he forgets to shampoo his hair. His hair has the smell of Commie wife sex. Now how did that happen? I'm unfamiliar with the using-my-head-as-a-mop technique. I'm not saying it can't happen. If beanbags can go clank and pigs can get left behind, anti-Commies need to shampoo after sex. Not just soap. Shampoo. And clean behind your ears, too. You never know. If he had used shampoo--maybe there was a shortage at the Communist drug store, so this is an oblique criticism of Communist economics, shampoo shortages--but if he had used shampoo, then she never would have had that horribly frigid sex scene with the maybe KGB guy, and they would never have gone to the farm, and the pig never would have ended up abandoned at that cafe, drunk off his ass. I think there is some sort of muddled political point about how sex in Czechoslovakia really sucked after 1968. All the women were "Let's get it on!" in 1968, and then after that it was a bunch of gray, drab, fist-clenching bad times. Even the sex scene with the wife of the Communist official sucked. Where's the mirror? Where's the bowler hat? The problem with making a movie about detached, unengaged people who don't feel anything is you don't feel anything either. When Daniel Day-Lewis goes back into the Iron Curtain, and they take his passport, you know it's going to end badly for him. So emotionally this should be the climax of the movie. He's made his big emotionally choice, and he'll never see that Lena Olin woman again. Which, for those of you paying attention, means the sex scenes are gonna suck from here on out. And Juliet Binoche opens the door, and what does he do? Gives the dog a hug. I don't know if you've noticed this, but if a dog is in a movie, he's gonna die. Unless it's Benji or Lassie, one of the big dogs. If they're thinking sequel, the dog will make it. But if it's a minor character, like an unnamed Star Trek extra who zaps down with Kirk and Spock, you know he's going to die. Pigs, by the way, never die. Never see a pig die in a movie. Dogs die all the time. Juliette Binoche tells Daniel Day-Lewis that she loves the dog more than him, and right after that he goes, "We ought to put him to sleep." It's cause the dog has cancer, but the timing was kind of suspect. It just seemed to me like he was trying to remove a rival for her affection, you know? Juliette was one of those women who felt bad that she felt bad that Daniel-Day Lewis was sleeping around. "If only I could love you like I love my dog." Her point is that dog love is more pure than people love. Dog doesn't care if you sleep around. Yeah, yeah. You can be a Nazi and dog still thinks you're cool. And, by the way, if I play with another dog, my dog sniffs me all over. He's not jealous so much as He Wants To Know Where I Have Been. So I'm not sure her dog theories hold water. Anyway, dog love is pure. On the other hand, you're not having sex with the dog, that's why it's so pure, ya nitwit. "They're going to kill that dog." That's what I said to my dog. Juliette was kind of an idiot. If you threw a lamp at Daniel Day-Lewis's head once in a while, I'm not saying he would quit sleeping around, but at least you wouldn't flee back to Commie land and bore the crap out of me for an hour and a half. I got a girl dog and a boy dog, and you should see what my girl dog has to say to any other girl dog who wants to sniff around my boy dog. She ain't running to Czechoslovokia, I'll tell you that much. She's not coming up with dumb ass theories about the lightness of being. You get the feeling, when Juliette Binoche can only enjoy sex with Daniel Day-Lewis--I can't tell you how frickin frigid she was with that maybe KGB guy--you kind of get the feeling that the artists involved in the making of this are male, and they more or less identify with the Daniel Day-Lewis character. All the women want him. Because, you know, it's in the screenplay. So pity any other man in the screenplay. Like that poor Franz guy. He shows up at Lena Olin's door, "I just left my wife for you." And of course Lena freaks out and runs to Daniel Day-Lewis. I'm just glad we never met poor Franz's wife. I don't think I could stand another character who feels the Unbearable Lightness of Being. You're probably saying to yourself, man, this is a long critique. Yeah, yeah, add three hours and you're still watching the movie. Listen, I saved your ass. If you want sex tips, mirrors, dude. Mirrors on the floor. That's it, that's the movie, that's all you need to know. 2723 Body Double 2724 Crank 2725 Training Day 2726 Small Time Crooks 2727 Plaza Suite 2728 In Cold Blood 2729 The Red Circle 2730 Something Wild 2731 Night Passage 2732 The Perfect Summer 2733 Austin Powers in Goldmember 2734 any random episode of Happy Days 2735 The Last Seduction 2736 The Hot Rock 2737 Badlands 2738 Scenes From the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills 2739 Serial 2740 Feeling Minnesota 2741 Any Which Way You Can 2742 Saving Silverman 2743 any random episode of The Flintstones 2744 Mikey and Nicky 2745 A Run For Your Money 2746 Mr. Nice Guy 2747 Brewster's Millions 2748 The Science of Sleep 2749 Dark Blue 2750 The Cat's Meow 2751 Drunken Angel 2752 Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence 2753 Princess Mononoke 2754 Cadillac Man 2755 Fat Man and Little Boy 2756 Gilda 2757 Infernal Affairs 2758 Ishtar 2759 The Replacements (2000) 2760 Lord of the Rings: Return of the King This movie had more false endings than any movie I've ever seen in my life. It ended and then no, it kept going. And then it ended and no, it kept going. Oh my God, end it, please! End the saga! Let my people go. Frickin' saga-makers. Is it over? It's over. It's gotta be over. Okay, it's over. That's definitely it. Oh my God! It's still going. 2761 Twentieth Century 2762 Stealing Home 2763 any random episode of M*A*S*H 2764 The Black Camel 2765 Sabrina 2766 Trespass 2767 The Old Man and the Sea 2768 Pi 2769 The Scent of Green Papaya Gorgeous cinematography. It's set in Vietnam, but I think it was shot in France. I kind of think there was a slight problem with the pacing. It's slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. Except it's slower than that. It's a sensitive movie about a little servant girl. She's kinda like Curious George, always checking out her surroundings. Hey little bug, how ya doing? So you look at the bug a while. And then she washes the floor so you watch her do that for a while. And she's gotta cook the rice, so you watch her cook the rice. Then she checks out some fruit. Hey, fruit, how ya doin? It's beautiful to look at, but cripes, nothing happens. If you want to see a beautifully shot, informative, slice-of-Vietnam-life circa 1955, check it out. But if you want a good story, or entertainment, or you want to stay awake, you might want to go elsewhere. I lasted an hour. 2770 I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry 2771 Real Genius 2772 The Gods Must Be Crazy 2773 Crumb 2774 Frequency 2775 Cat Ballou 2776 Jade 2777 Bright Future 2778 Running on Empty 2779 From Dusk Till Dawn 2780 Torn Curtain 2781 any random episode of The Rockford Files 2782 Father of the Bride (1950) 2783 Akira 2784 Operation Dumbo Drop 2785 Kingdom of Heaven 2786 Encino Man 2787 any random episode of Magnum P.I. 2788 Koko: A Talking Gorilla 2789 Jonny Quest episode -- "The Werewolf of the Timberland" 2790 Whodidit? This is my first feature film. I wrote it, produced it, directed it, acted in it, and edited it. (I got way too many credits). I spent a frickin' year of my life on this movie. We filmed this for $2,000. It's original and amateurish. It needs music. It needs more humor. I broke some genre rules and what I found out is sometimes rules are there for a reason. Originality and non-conformity are great up to the point where you're a moron who should try to do what other people are doing. For instance, in a murder mystery, you have a quirky detective who is your good guy protagonist. He's Columbo, he's Sherlock Holmes, he's Charlie Chan, he's Hercule Poirot, he's Monk. You make him quirky to add humor, and you add humor because murder is a dark subject matter. People don't like murder. Murder sucks. People like murder mysteries, because they engage your brain, and also because we want to see evil punished. We want to solve the puzzle and bring order to the ugliness. In real life, murder investigations are not actually cool or fun. Get involved in a murder investigation sometime. Be suspected of murder. You'll probably get exhausted with all the cops yelling questions at you. Emotionally speaking, it's kind of a one-note experience. In real life, murder investigations, like murders, suck. I made a murder mystery without a good guy protagonist and without much humor. And no frickin' music. The mystery is good, the writing is good, the acting is really good. But my poor little movie is mediocre. No no, it's mediocre minus. If I spent another year of my life on it, I could maybe get it up to mediocre. Kurosawa used to say that you never finish a film, you abandon it. Yeah. What he said. 2791 M*A*S*H 2792 Bodies, Rest and Motion 2793 The Women 2794 Odds Against Tomorrow 2795 He Said, She Said 2796 Double Jeopardy 2797 Tombstone 2798 The Woman in the Window 2799 any random episode of The Honeymooners 2800 The Bicycle Thief I'm immune to this sob story. You can't get me, De Sica. (Except for that damn Umberto D. ) Yeah yeah, they took your bike. Get over it, dude. Quit your crying. I just realized Pee Wee's Big Adventure is a remake of The Bicycle Thief. And, for some of us, an improvement. In the U.S.A. there's this big critical debate about whether it's "Bicycle Thief" or "Bicycle Thieves". Apparently the first English translator said it was "thief," and he's wrong. It's actually "thieves." But for years and years we English-speakers have been saying "thief". It's like saying Casablanca is actually White House. Technically accurate but the implications disturb. For those paying attention, the debate about "thief" or "thieves" makes it obvious that we don't frickin' know if the bad guy is singular or plural. That's like the worst bad guy in the history of art, if you can't tell if he's singular or plural. What is he, the frickin' Borg? This is really a Republican movie. Victim's rights! Law and order! Protect my property! Right-wingers should remake this with Clint Eastwood. "Punks took his bike. And he's getting it back." 2801 Tomorrow Never Dies 2802 Jackie Brown 2803 Ready to Rumble 2804 Boomerang 2805 Perfect Blue 2806 Easter Parade 2807 Van Helsing Pretty bad. The cinematography is gorgeous, special effects are cool, acting is mediocre, story is lame and the music is horrible. Alan Silvestri is the culprit. I've half a mind to avoid any film in which he does the score. He pretty much annoys you at the very beginning, and the annoyances just keep on coming. Silvestri has done the last two scores for Sommers (The Mummy 2 and this pile here), and he's going to wreck his career if this keeps up. And I still defend The Mummy, that's a great movie. There are other problems with Van Helsing--too many bad guys and no romantic chemistry between the leads--but if I had to point a finger, it would be at Silvestri. Actually, I think I would be pointing my finger up in the air. 2808 Interview 2809 Seabiscuit 2810 The Ladykillers None of the Coen movies are stupid, but it's probably the least successful and least interesting of all the Coen movies. I was kind of amused by Tom Hanks ham act--which has to be one of the top 10 hammy, over-the-top performances of all time. He's not going for believability, it's more like he's playing Wile E. Coyote with Foghorn Leghorn's accent. But the movie is definitely slow, a lot of the jokes fall flat. The original, with Alec Guiness, is far superior. 2811 Pushing Tin 2812 Godzilla 2813 Contempt 2814 Le Samourai 2815 Fatherland 2816 Dil Chahta Hai 2817 Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory 2818 Suspiria 2819 The Arrival 2820 Semi-Tough

D+ (300) 2821 All the Real Girls It's okay. Green is from my home state, North Carolina, so I'm pulling for the guy. It's a very sincere movie, a story about first love and how she broke your heart. Kind of a redneck soap opera in parts. You probably remember that #1 hit on the country charts, You Slept With All the Girls in Town, But I Won't Let You Sleep With My Virginal Little Sister. I personally think the movie veers disastrously in its depiction of the girl lead. She's the daughter of the judge and goes to boarding school. No, wait, she wants to work at the mill. She's tender innocent virgin girl who just wants somebody to kiss her hand. No, wait, she's crazy skanky ho. We don't get to know her, we just see her character through the romantic illusions of the male lead. On the positive side, there are some nice little vignettes that are surprisingly moving, including the very first scene in the movie. And Green injects quite a bit of humor in the movie, and the acting is good. The failure though is that we don't feel any heartbreak for these characters. 2822 Beach Blanket Bingo 2823 Koyaanisqatsi The Philip Glass score and the Indian chanting drives me frickin' bonkers. Yeah yeah, humanity's evil. Unless you're watching Manhattan, and you see all those cool skyscrapers, with that Gershwin score. And then you say, hey, humanity rocks! 2824 The Border 2825 Les Vampires It's not one movie, but a serial of ten movies, something like 300 minutes long. I bailed out after a couple of hours. It's about a group of masked jewel thieves called the vampires. The first episode is called The Severed Head. See, there's this policeman whose body has been mutilated, his head is missing. So our hero, the reporter, goes to investigate. And later he finds a secret passage and in the secret passage is a box and in the box is a severed head. Whoa! And I thought we were introduced to the love interest but she was murdered, so she's not the love interest. In the second episode our hero, the reporter, is engaged to marry this ballerina. So of course I thought she was the love interest. But then the bad guy gives her a ring, and she puts it on. And then, while she's on stage doing her vampire ballet, a needle pops out from the ring and injects her with poison and she dies. Man! So another possible love interest bites the dust. After a few episodes I realized that there just wasn't going to be a love interest. Anyway, it's way cooler than a D.W. Griffith klan movie, but that's not saying a lot. I'm starting to form the opinion that movies before 1920 suck. It's kind of funny how we treat any super old film as high art, regardless of how good they actually are. I mean, I just can't see Claude Monet taking a break in 1915 to go see the moving picture about the severed head in a box. (By the way, there's a French homage to this movie, called Irma Vep. It's a film-about-a-film, as the filmmakers try to do a remake of this silent film. It's way cool, check it out). 2826 The Great Raid 2827 El Mariachi 2828 Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey 2829 eXistenZ 2830 Red Beard 2831 Five Easy Pieces 2832 Hot Millions 2833 How Green Was My Valley 2834 Dersu Uzala 2835 Menace 2 Society 2836 Hidalgo So Viggo's in this horserace in Sahara. He and his horse, Hidalgo, have raced for miles and miles and miles. And they're about to die. Hidalgo's lying on the sand, and Viggo's lying on the sand. And you know he's thirsty cause his lips are so chapped. Anyway, what happens is this Indian rain man spirit ghost shows up, chanting. Now, if I'm dying of thirst in the desert, and Jesus shows up, you'd start laughing, right? If a rabbi shows up, that would be funny. But chanting rain man spirit ghost, that we're supposed to take seriously. Anyway, Viggo stands up, and Hidalgo stands up, too. Actually, I think Hidalgo stands up first. Maybe he saw some horse miracle. "Fillies! Fillies at the finish line!" And I'm like, "Wait a minute. You got a broken leg. We just pulled a spear out of your ass ten minutes ago." And Hidalgo's like, "I feel good. Let's win this race. Sugar cubes." So Viggo climbs aboard and they race like it's the frickin' Kentucky Derby. Oh, what a horse. 2837 Easy Money 2838 They Live 2839 Brubaker 2840 Vengeance is Mine 2841 Support Your Local Sheriff 2842 The Man From Snowy River 2843 The Great Train Robbery 2844 Gotcha! 2845 The Best Years of Our Lives 2846 Mystery Date 2847 Popeye 2848 The Conformist 2849 Spoorloos 2850 La Strada 2851 Séance 2852 Millennium Actress 2853 A Civil Action 2854 The Swindle 2855 Lara Croft: Tomb Raider 2856 EDtv 2857 Tokyo Drifter 2858 Ridicule 2859 The Accused 2860 Seance on a Wet Afternoon 2861 Bulworth 2862 Quicksilver 2863 Dick 2864 Ocean's Twelve Hysterically bad script. It's the sort of movie where they have to break into a high-security house. This house has got umpteen alarms and video cameras and yada yada yada. And the guy in the house never leaves the house. So the place is well-guarded, which it should be as he's got this multi-million-dollar thingy. So it's one of those Mission Impossible deals. You know what they do? They shoot an arrow through an open window. Okay, okay. You shot an arrow through the open window. But still, this guy has got alarms and cameras and yada yada yada, right? I mean, what are you going to do next? The suspense is killing me. So the guys slide an electric gadget down the arrow-line, and the electric gadget attaches itself to the security system, and turns it off. Oh. That was kind of disappointing. Where do I get one of those cool, alarm turning-off gadgets? I mean, cripes, why not slide a giant finger down the arrow-line, and have the giant finger hit the "off" button, since we're making a comedy anyway? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. They can't shoot an arrow through the open window, because it's "impossible." It just can't be done. Don't ask, it's physics. Physics keep us from getting our arrow-shooter into a position where he can shoot an arrow through an open window. So, obviously, what needs to be done is lift the victim's house an inch off the ground. Once you've done that, of course, you can shoot the arrow through the open window. So I guess they called UPS and had them deliver the giant underwater hydraulic lifts. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there thinking, where did all this underground water come from? He built his house on top of large rooms filled with water? It's a water house? Cripes, why don't you just pump some more water in, since we're lifting the victim's house an inch off the ground in order to shoot an arrow through an open window so that we can turn off the security alarm with our giant finger. Okay, they didn't use a giant finger. But they should have. So, anyway, they've got the miniature Chinese acrobat, in scuba gear, swimming through water tubes, and he ends up in the giant water room, where he swims among the giant underwater hydraulic lifts, for no reason whatsoever. This guy's house, it's on a normal street, in a normal city. I think the giant water room with the giant underwater hydraulic lifts is, maybe, possibly, the sewer system? So these guys are opening pipes and closing pipes, so the miniature Chinese acrobat in the scuba gear can swim among, I guess, urine? You'd think we'd have a floating poop joke here, since we're making a comedy. "You say you're having trouble flushing, ma'am?" Anyway, so they call up UPS, I guess, and have the giant underwater hydraulic lifts delivered, and they shut down the sewer system, and they send the miniature Chinese acrobat in his scuba gear into the sewer pipes, and he swims among the giant underwater hydraulic lifts--and we won't stop and ask how the miniature Chinese acrobat in his scuba gear got the giant underwater hydraulic lifts into the sewer system in the first place--and the giant underwater hydraulic lifts do their job, lifting the guy's house up an inch off the ground. Which, you know, doesn't bother the house any. It's not like the house is attached to the ground or anything. Hmmmm. Okay, before we have the miniature Chinese acrobat in his scuba gear install the giant hydraulic lifts in the sewer system so that we can lift the house an inch off the ground so that we shoot an arrow through the open window so that we can turn off the alarm system with our alarm turn off gadget, first we must somehow get the giant hydraulic lifts under the house. Right? I mean, it's not enough that the giant hydraulic lifts are in the water room. They got to be under the house. Or under the street. Wait, are you lifting the street an inch off the ground? Anyway, it turns out that after we go to all this trouble, that another master cat burgler has already robbed the place, and left his stupid little memento in the safe, because we all know, from watching Pink Panther movies, that this is what master cat burglers do. I think this movie would have been funnier if the miniature Chinese acrobat would jump on Danny Ocean every once in a while so that he would learn to always be ready for surprise attacks. And you're worried that I just ruined the movie. Nah. This all happens in like two minutes. It's the sort of movie where they put a miniature Chinese acrobat in a suitcase just cause it's cool. "All the rest of us are going to walk, thanks, but you get in a suitcase little man." The music is very cool, by the way. A lot of Soderbergh's shots are cool. In other places he uses a jerky handheld camera, and doesn't frame his shots well. The editor tries to do some jump cuts and it doesn't always work. I was kind of surprised by how incompetent the film looks in a few places. Like it's a rush job for Christmas. But the music covers a lot of sins. Great rat pack tunes, makes you want to go out and buy some giant underwater hydraulic lifts, or put a miniature Chinese acrobat in a suitcase. Hey, maybe I'll go out and get myself arrested on purpose today, as part of my master plan! 2865 Igby Goes Down 2866 Superman: The Movie 2867 The Exorcist 2868 Breaking News 2869 The Shootist 2870 The Grass is Greener 2871 Desperado 2872 Murderball 2873 Pather Panchali 2874 Love Finds Andy Hardy 2875 One Good Cop 2876 Another Lonely Hitman 2877 Miracle on 34th Street 2878 Columbo episode: "Ransom for a Dead Man" 2879 Shoot 'em Up 2880 Dinner Rush 2881 The Grey Fox 2882 Open Your Eyes 2883 Lola 2884 Tightrope 2885 What's the Worst That Could Happen? 2886 Night of the Living Dead 2887 Citizen Ruth 2888 Harlem Nights 2889 The Money Pit 2890 The Disorderly Orderly 2891 Stage Door 2892 Father of the Bride (1991) 2893 Blackboard Jungle 2894 The Monster Squad 2895 Pistol Opera 2896 Designing Woman 2897 Alex & Emma 2898 Tape 2899 Star Trek: First Contact 2900 Beverly Hills Cop II 2901 Tucker 2902 The Last Picture Show I probably need to see this again. I saw it years ago when I was in college, and I was bored. Lots of shots of people staring off into the distance. There is one cool scene where a bunch of high school kids are skinny dipping in a pool. Mostly I thought it was boring, though. The last picture show, by the way, is Red River. Good movie! 2903 Siesta 2904 The Last Samurai Hack! Everything here reminds me of some other bad film that I've already seen. They rip off Dances With Wolves in a big way. ("Oh, western civilization has gotten me down, I'm so depressed being a white man in the white world, I'm suicidal, shoot me somebody, no wait, I'll go to a different culture and find my soul, yes, now I'm saved, but I'll go ahead and kill some more people because we need drama, even in PC World"). And then he rips off Glory too, which is his own movie so I guess that makes it okay. One of the most annoying things about PC cinema is that the protagonists are always white, always learning how wonderful these other cultures are. Hey, Mr. Liberal, if the cultures are so wonderful and interesting, why not skip the frickin white tour guide and just show us the wonderful and interesting culture? There's an idea. At least in this movie we're spared Matthew Broderick writing in his frickin diary. And then there's the romantic subplot ("You killed my husband, white man, and I hate you, and yet I find you strangely attractive, but I won't sleep with you, because that would be interracial, too bad there's not some white woman here in the backwoods of Japan, like in Dancing With Wolves, that you could hook up with, but sorry, only us Japanese women here, so this romantic subplot will go nowhere"). To watch Tom Cruise pretend to be a samurai--as if he just recently read How To Be a Japanese In Ten Easy Lessons--is embarrassing. Maybe in his next movie he can pretend to be a Frenchman. Put on a beret and say oo la la. Or poseur, maybe. 2905 The Witches of Eastwick 2906 Amazing Grace and Chuck 2907 Hulk 2908 Pumpkin 2909 Cool World 2910 Vincent and Theo 2911 Dirty Dancing 2912 Open City 2913 Wolf 2914 A Prayer For the Dying 2915 Conan the Barbarian 2916 Dying Young 2917 Brokedown Palace 2918 D.O.A. (1988) 2919 Natural Born Killers 2920 One Night Stand 2921 Notting Hill 2922 Hart's War 2923 Duplex DeVito keeps revisiting the theme of hatred. Hating your spouse (War of the Roses), hating your mother (Throw Mama From the Train), and now, hating your neighbor (Duplex). I think War of the Roses is brilliant, but the other two are pretty lame. I think maybe the reason for this is that War of the Roses doesn't take sides in the conflict. Both sides are to blame, and it's fun to watch these two basically innocent people escalate their hatred up to the climax. The other two movies, on the other hand, feature a two-dimensional monster character that we the audience are supposed to hate, along with the completely normal leads. This isn't as much fun. I think maybe DeVito just has it in for little old ladies. And he tacks on a Spielberg ending, and then a Mamet ending on top of that. This one is better than the Mama-Train disaster but not by much. 2924 8 Women 2925 Scream 2 2926 I Wake Up Screaming 2927 Letters From Iwo Jima 2928 Mad Max 2929 The Sunshine Boys 2930 Claire's Knee 2931 Lone Star 2932 Unfaithfully Yours 2933 The V.I.P.s 2934 Mr. Mom 2935 Airheads 2936 Mother, Jugs and Speed 2937 Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring This is the one where they were walking. And walking some more. And walking, and walking, and walking. And walking and walking and walking. My butt's complaining about all the walking. And I say, "Shut up, butt. You're not even walking." Isn't it ironic, though, that all that walking made my butt think about all the sitting it was doing? And walking and walking and walking. 2938 Z 2939 Made in Heaven 2940 Gung Ho 2941 Black Sheep 2942 Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen 2943 The Mystery of Picasso It's like watching that guy paint on PBS. Except not as good. 2944 Columbo episode -- "Make Me a Perfect Murder" 2945 Jeepers-Creepers 2946 Along Came a Spider 2947 Dudes 2948 X-Files 2949 A View To A Kill 2950 Volunteers 2951 any random episode of Jeeves and Wooster. Wodehouse is brilliant but you got to read him. If "writing" is defined as constructing amazing sentences, of enjoying language and the use of words, Wodehouse is maybe the best writer in the history of the English language. His control of his art is phenomenal. He puts a sentence together like nobody's business. But his plots are silly, and not a lot happens. And he's not a particularly visual writer, either. Some people--Wodehouse, Twain, Hemingway--you read to enjoy their use of language and their view of the world. But they are horrible to adapt to a visual medium like film. For cinema you need plots. Really strong plots. Rex Stout has an amazing command of language, but his books are also well-plotted and work very well as films. Rex Stout loved Jane Austen, Mark Twain hated Jane Austen. I cannot read Jane Austen so I don't know. But she's a plotting genius, and her novels make fantastic films. Wodehouse is not a plotter. There's nothing at stake. His stories are light and silly stuff. To appreciate Wodehouse you have to read him. Fry and Laurie are wonderful, amazing actors. Fry is Jeeves. Laurie is Wooster. They have captured those characters perfectly. It doesn't frickin' matter. You can't capture Wodehouse on the screen and you shouldn't even try. It's a pale imitation of his genius. Watching these shows you'll have no idea why you should be reading Wodehouse, a guy who had a better control over the English language than anybody in the history of the book. He is number one. This crap is number two thousand nine hundred and fiftyone. 2952 The Misfits 2953 Howards End 2954 Discrete Charm of the Bourgeoisie 2955 The Recruit 2956 Coup de Torchon 2957 Terms of Endearment 2958 Hollywood Shuffle 2959 Barry Lyndon 2960 The Legend of Bagger Vance 2961 Constantine 2962 Jackie Chan's Who Am I? 2963 The Life of David Gale 2964 A Room With a View 2965 Sister Act 2966 Dirt Nap 2967 any random porn 2968 Les Girls 2969 A Clockwork Orange Stanley Kubrick sees Singin' in the Rain and he thinks, "rape!" What an idiot. A Clockwork Orange makes me vomit. I don't know if Kubrick at this point in his career is a deranged feminist or a misogynist or just hates humanity in general. The rape scene is probably the single most offensive scene I have seen from a major artist. Part of what makes Kubrick a great artist is his OCD and part of what makes him an awful artist is his OCD. This film is like a paranoid's nightmare. "They're going to take my free will from me!" Wrap some tin foil around your head, Stanley. And don't watch movies with scotch tape on your eyelids, cause that's how they control your thoughts. 2970 Detour 2971 Columbo Goes to the Guillotine 2972 Big Jake 2973 Defiance 2974 The Boys From Brazil (1978) 2975 The Public Eye 2976 Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Davy Jones' Locker 2977 Starsky & Hutch Stupid. I laughed but it was stupid. The blooper reel was good. Have you ever noticed that any film that has a blooper reel, it's almost always funnier than the movie? Anyway, this one had some funny parts--particularly any scene with Will Ferrell--but it also had a lot of dead air. And some cringe-worthy moments, like when they brought in the actors who played the original Starsky and Hutch. Ugh, painful. Rent Zoolander instead. Same actors and ten times funnier. 2978 The Opposite of Sex 2979 House of Wax 2980 No Reservations 2981 The Seven Year Itch 2982 The New Guy 2983 Five Card Stud 2984 Sabotage 2985 Hoffa 2986 Night Moves 2987 Blink 2988 Lean On Me 2989 Funny Bones 2990 Kalifornia 2991 Assassins 2992 Houseboat 2993 Clockers 2994 Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 2995 Nuts 2996 The Sum of All Fears 2997 Fierce Creatures 2998 The Incredible Shrinking Woman 2999 Old Yeller 3000 Indiscreet 3001 Lucky Number Sleven 3002 The Stepford Wives 3003 any random episode of Top Cat. Oh, this one hurts. I frickin' loved this cartoon when I was a kid. A bunch of alley cats were living on the streets and they would have adventures and steal food while avoiding the police. And the leader of this gang of cats was Top Cat. And all the cats would refer to Top Cat by his initials, T.C. Which, by an odd coincidence, are also my initials. So this cartoon really played into whatever fascist impulses I had at age nine. I loved it, man. Thirty years later, this cartoon comes out on DVD. So it must rock, right? So I put it in my netflix queue, to see if I can relive my childhood happiness. Oh my God, it's so bad. My childhood was delusional. Oh my God, oh my God. It's a frickin' rip-off of Hogan's Heroes. Which itself is a rip-off of Stalag 17. So Billy Wilder creates some cool art, and some hack rips it off for television, and then some other hack rips off this hack and creates a Xerox of a Xerox for my 9-year-old self. So, sure, I'm Top Cat, but I am also the dregs of art. Man. 3004 Fallen 3005 The Big Bounce 3006 Late For Dinner 3007 Being Julia 3008 Trilogy of Terror 3009 The Hunter 3010 The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp 3011 The Day the Earth Stood Still 3012 Scent of a Woman 3013 Nothing in Common 3014 Wet Hot American Summer 3015 Clear and Present Danger 3016 Long Gone 3017 Falling Down 3018 Boyz N the Hood 3019 Passenger 57 3020 Walk Don't Run 3021 Columbo episode -- "The Bye-Bye Sky High I.Q. Murder Case" 3022 This Is Not a Film 3023 The Day After Tomorrow 3024 Pygmalion 3025 Grumpier Old Men 3026 House Not the TV show, but a horror movie with one of the guys from Cheers. I can't remember if it was Norm or Cliff. 3027 A Cry in the Dark Never really recovered from that Seinfeld episode. "The daingo ate yur bay-bee." 3028 Scenes From a Mall 3029 Misery 3030 Dead Calm 3031 The Horse Whisperer 3032 The Lords of Discipline 3033 Columbo episode: "Short Fuse" 3034 Cat's Eye 3035 Two If By Sea 3036 The Mean Season 3037 Me, Myself & I 3038 The Innocents 3039 27 Dresses 3040 The Super 3041 Mr. Saturday Night 3042 White Men Can't Jump 3043 Kate and Leopold 3044 The Wedding Date 3045 The Butterfly Effect 3046 Rich in Love 3047 The Hunchback of Notre Dame 3048 Everybody's All-American 3049 On the Beach 3050 White Nights 3051 Bobby 3052 Magnum Force 3053 Gas Food Lodging 3054 Napoleon 3055 Sophie Scholl 3056 Eddie and the Crusiers 3057 Mars Attacks! 3058 Nashville 3059 Hard Candy 3060 My Dog Skip 3061 Bird on a Wire 3062 Eulogy 3063 Memories 3064 Murder in the First 3065 Amores Perros I hate movies where they kill the dog. What’s up with these damn filmmakers who want to kill the dog? I don’t care how frickin’ arty your movie is, you kill the dog, I’m gonna hate it. That’s just the way I roll. This movie kills more dogs than any movie I’ve ever seen in my life. Dude, you can kill people. Kill all the people you want. Just don’t kill the dog, that’s all I ask. The saddest part was that damn dog who went under the floor boards, and he won’t come out for the entire middle of the movie. This dog, he could not figure out how to get out from under the floor. If you crawl in, you can crawl out. What is he, retard dog? "I'm deaf dog, can't hear you. Can't see the hole where all the light is. And even though I'm soooooooooo hungry, I'm just going to stay down here, for the whole middle of the movie." This dog, he's like the anti-Lassie. Aroooooooooooo. This movie can bite me. Come out and bite me, you damn stuck under the floorboards movie dog. 3066 The Naked Kiss 3067 The Big Picture 3068 The High and the Mighty 3069 The Collector 3070 The Thin Red Line 3071 Wholly Moses 3072 Just Friends 3073 The Buddy Holly Story 3074 Love Me Tonight 3075 The Wedding Planner 3076 About Schmidt 3077 Femme Fatale 3078 Mission to Mars 3079 3:10 to Yuma 3080 The World is Not Enough 3081 The Lion in Winter 3082 The Three Musketeers (1939) 3083 Fallen Angels 3084 Jonny Quest episode -- "Pursuit of the Po-Ho" 3085 The Draughtsman's Contract 3086 42nd Street 3087 Columbo episode -- "Dead Weight" 3088 The Desperate Hours 3089 Black Snake Moan 3090 Layer Cake 3091 The Pledge 3092 From Here to Eternity Talk about movies I bailed out of. I'm forty-five minutes into this thing, I've seen the seawater kissing scene, and it ain't getting any better. It's a frickin' soap opera. I should have known it was a frickin' soap opera, because the title of the movie sounds like a frickin' soap opera. From Here to Eternity. In hell! You know you're in a bad movie, when one adulterous partner turns to the other adulterous partner and accuses her of sleeping around. J'acuse! Or when the movie tries to depict Hawaii by putting everybody and their mother in a Hawaiin shirt. Or when Ernest Borgnine is your bad guy. Ernest Borgnine! Average poster at IMDB: "This is so much better than Pearl Harbor!" Is that the standard now? Pearl Harbor? I say they're making the wrong damn comparison. Is it better than "The Bold and the Beautiful," that's what we need to know. So for all you haters out there who go on about Leonardo and Kate and how bad they are, well, you don't know what bad Oscar winner is. So let me join the 13-year-old girls of America in saying, Titanic is not the worst movie to win a best picture award. Not by a long shot. Titanic, comparatively speaking, rocks. I swear to God I am paraphrasing this scene correctly: Montogmery Clift: "Wait for me, I'll be right back." Donna Reed: "Okay." Montgomery Clift goes away, comes back, finds Donna Reed talking to another man. Montgomery Clift: "Hey! You said you'd wait for me!" Oh my God I am in seventh grade again. 3093 The Gig 3094 Moonlight Whispers 3095 Woman in the Dunes 3096 The Twilight Samurai 3097 Glory Road 3098 Bustin' Loose 3099 Money Train 3100 Great Expectations 3101 Nixon 3102 White Palace 3103 Awakenings 3104 K-Pax 3105 Entrapment 3106 Looker 3107 The Black Hole 3108 Meet the Fockers 3109 The Age of Innocence 3110 Runaway Jury 3111 Blind Fury 3112 The Lost Boys 3113 Mulholland Falls 3114 A Life Less Ordinary 3115 The Fabulous Baker Boys 3116 The Boondock Saints 3117 Year of the Dragon 3118 Blow 3119 Star Wars: The Clone Wars 3120 The Deer Hunter

D (320) 3121 In the Mood 3122 A Bridge Too Far 3123 The Tie That Binds 3124 Paris When It Sizzles 3125 Beowulf 3126 Smilla's Sense of Snow 3127 Kiss Me Kate 3128 The Madness of King George I think my new rule is, whenever you have a movie about ye olde English, featuring ye olde English actors, set in ye olde England, subtract a star and a half from the average critical review. I call that my Merchant Ivory rule. That's a corollary to my handicap rule. Whenever you have a movie about a person overcoming a handicap, or a disease, or a mental illness, subtract two stars from the average critical review. So here we have a movie about ye olde English royalty victimized by mental illness. Yegads! Subtract two stars, and then subtract a star and a half, from a three star movie. Man, I'm in negative star territory. Anyway, it's not that bad. But it's not good, either. Pretty much what you would expect. Lots of powdered wigs and uncomfortable clothes, intercut with scenes of drooling and bad medicine. 3129 The Family Stone 3130 any random episode ofBonanza 3131 Switchback 3132 Excess Baggage 3133 The Legend of 1900 3134 The Idiot 3135 The Matador 3136 How To Marry a Millionaire 3137 Triad Election 3138 Bay of Angels 3139 Jonny Quest -- "The Devil's Tower" 3140 Multiplicity 3141 Things to Do In Denver When You're Dead 3142 The Razor's Edge 3143 Island in the Sky 3144 The Stepford Wives (1973) 3145 If Lucy Fell 3146 Spellbound 3147 Husbands and Wives 3148 Young Guns 3149 Wildcats 3150 Color Me Kubrick 3151 Chariots of Fire 3152 Heaven Can Wait Horrible Lubitsch film about the afterlife. Really bad. Everybody makes clunkers sometimes, and this is his. 3153 Princess Caraboo 3154 The Bourne Supremacy 3155 Swimming With Sharks 3156 Conan the Destroyer 3157 Legends of the Fall 3158 The Bucket List 3159 All About My Mother 3160 Network I hated this movie when I was a kid, but it gets a lot of critical props, so I tried watching it again. Cripes, this is bad stuff. Satire is one of the hardest things to write, and angry hot satire is probably impossible. I was kind of surprised to see the credit "Network, by Paddy Chayefsky." Writers don't usually get that sort of author credit, over the director, over everybody. But in this case it's probably deserved, as Paddy's writings overshadow everything. He writes ridiculous rants, unbelievable situations, and suffuses everything with a hot anger that I find so melodramatic. The film suffers from a sort of manic-depression. It's almost absurdly pessimistic, negative and cynical. This is a "comedy" for intellectuals who like to talk about comedy rather than laugh. Who should we get to direct our comedy? Woody Allen? Albert Brooks? Mel Brooks? No, no, Sidney Lumet! If you want to see a truly funny satire about TV, watch Real Life. Now that's funny. This movie, on the other hand, is just exhausting. 3161 any random episode of Remington Steele 3162 Dogfight 3163 Scarface (1932) 3164 Les Comperes 3165 Duel in the Sun 3166 Oh, God! Part III 3167 Last of the Red Hot Lovers 3168 The Hot Spot 3169 The Cotton Club 3170 Mary Poppins 3171 The Color Purple 3172 Down to Earth 3173 High Society 3174 Scream 3 3175 The Program 3176 Marlowe 3177 Shooter 3178 Adam's Rib 3179 Dead of Night 3180 Crazed Fruit 3181 Wisdom 3182 Daddy Long Legs 3183 Nightfall 3184 The 'burbs 3185 Mass Appeal 3186 The Postman It's a patriotic, God Bless America sort of movie. Unfortunately it kinda makes me gag. "My country's in trouble. Only I can save it. I will deliver this mail." It's like Cliff Clavin's wet dream. I see this as a twofer with Dances With Wolves. Both films are sanctimonious and phony. PC liberals love Costner's first movie; it presses all of their "we are the world" buttons. Its shallowness and superficiality annoys the crap out of me. One can humanize Indian warriors without making fairy tales about them. (See Black Robe for a real and honest clash of cultures). In The Postman, Costner is attempting to make a film about patriotism. The PC liberals who gushed about his first movie are more inclined to be cynical about flag-waving patriotic movies. So this film was reamed by the critics. But it's no more gullible or dim-witted than his first one. Both films are sappy. In fact I think it was all the accolades Costner was given for making Dances With Wolves that was responsible for this misfire. Applaud crap and the artist will double down. Costner's third film, Open Range, is a a more serious, more focused, and more intelligent piece of filmmaking altogether. Costner has abandoned his hippy-dippy phase and moved into a much more realistic and detailed approach. It's a vast improvement in his art, like night and day. 3187 The Pink Jungle 3188 On Golden Pond 3189 Bird 3190 Toys 3191 Honkeytonk Man 3192 Soul of the Game 3193 High Art 3194 The War Room 3195 The Last Castle 3196 Sleepless in Seattle oh I frickin hate Sleepless in Seattle. Hello! She's a stalker! She fell in love with a voice on the radio. It's all in her head. She bought a plane ticket to Seattle, to stalk a guy she doesn't know. From the bushes! The entire movie she's got this obsessional, delusional love for somebody she's never met. Which might be funny, except the movie plays it straight. Like this is the most romantic concept they've ever heard of. Restraining Order in Seattle, that's what they should have called it. "Judge, please tell this psychotic bimbo from another town that I am not Cary Grant, and would she please leave me alone? Thanks." This movie gives romantics a bad name. 3197 Born Yesterday 3198 Southern Comfort 3199 The Last Boy Scout 3200 Who's the Man? 3201 Must Love Dogs 3202 Columbo episode -- "Fade in to Murder" 3203 Munich 3204 The Barbarian Invasion 3205 Something to Talk About 3206 101 Dalmatians 3207 I Still Know What You Did Last Summer 3208 House By the River 3209 Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice 3210 any random episode of Three's Company 3211 My Wife is an Actress 3212 A Shock to the System 3213 Creator 3214 Ladder 49 3215 Truly, Madly, Deeply 3216 What About Bob? 3217 Sense and Sensibility 3218 Perfect 3219 13 Ghosts 3220 Time Bandits 3221 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea 3222 City By the Sea 3223 The Tuskegee Airmen 3224 Bad Company 3225 A League of Their Own 3226 The Mummy Returns 3227 Dances With Wolves I guess what I find annoying about Costner's movie is that it's like a Disney ride sponsored by people who hate America. Look, kids, we're about to ride into Destruction of the Frontier! Oooooo, and there are the Evil U.S. Soldiers. You can open your eyes, sweetheart, we're in Happy Sioux Paradise. And there's our Wolf Friend to guide us! Yea! 3228 Two Moon Junction 3229 Love in the Afternoon 3230 Four Brothers 3231 Maitresse 3232 The Last Detail 3233 My Fellow Americans 3234 Straight Talk 3235 The Gauntlet 3236 The Net 3237 Odd Man Out 3238 The Last King of Scotland 3239 Mrs. Doubtfire 3240 With Honors 3241 An American Werewolf in London 3242 Frankie and Johnny 3243 Three Amigos 3244 Moscow on the Hudson 3245 1969 3246 Poison Ivy 3247 Blood Work 3248 Tears of the Sun This film might have invented a new category, "military melodrama." Oh I suffer. I am the suffering isolated Rambo man who suffers so much I can't even crack a smile. No smile for me. Karate man bleed on the inside. And I get shot in slow motion. But then I get up! But then I get shot. But then I get up again! It's got beautiful cinematography. Lush, vibrant, amazing colors. With a horrible script. Unbelievably stupid dialog. It's like a cross between The Thin Red Line and Rambo 2. With Dr. Monica and her two breasts playing the Scotty role from Star Trek. "Captain! The villagers can't take much more of this!" She only said that like four frickin times. If that whiny self-important title appeals to you--or you like melodrama as an art form--you'll like this one more than I did. 3249 The Golden Child 3250 Where the Buffalo Roam 3251 U.S. Marshalls 3252 School Daze 3253 Nothing Sacred 3254 Blame It on Rio 3255 Vision Quest 3256 Framed 3257 Secret Things 3258 Sliver Great source material, based on a novel by Ira Levin. And you've got one of my favorite sex goddesses, Sharon Stone, playing the lead. You could have had all kinds of fun with this movie. Cool set designs, suspense, themes of voyeurism and paranoia. Imagine what Chris Nolan or David Fincher could have done with this story. Or Hitchcock! Philip Noyce has done some pretty good work (Patriot Games), but this is a horrible misfire. And even with the boring, by-the-numbers direction, this movie could be improved ten-fold by digitally removing William Baldwin and replacing him with the computer animation of your choice. I'm sorry, but there's no way that skinny-ass punk gets to sleep with Sharon Stone. She would break him in two. Right after she makes him cry, roll over, and say "mommy." 3259 Blade 2 3260 The Fall 3261 Desperately Seeking Susan 3262 Switching Channels 3263 Superman III 3264 Mask 3265 Hopscotch 3266 Mrs. Henderson Presents 3267 Cohen and Tate 3268 Who Is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe? 3269 Drowning By Numbers 3270 At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul 3271 Star Trek: Generations 3272 Home Fries 3273 The Girl Can't Help It 3274 Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow I really wanted to like Conran's movie. Unfortunately, it's pretty bad. He has no idea how to direct actors. This film has maybe the worst acting I've seen in a couple of years. Sky Captain is a movie you can respect, without actually liking it. It's original and doesn't look like any other film at the multiplex. Conran wrote the software himself. He's obviously intelligent, and he cares (maybe too much) about the look of his film. But, cripes, if you can't write you shouldn't be writing, and if you can't direct actors you shouldn't be directing. If you do, you're going to end up with a movie that looks really cool and yet is almost completely unwatchable. Trying to watch Jude Law play a two dimensional caricature was embarrassing. This movie made me love Raiders all over again. Let's all stop what we're doing and give props to Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones. It's a brilliant performance. Now that I've seen the bad version, I think Ford should get 2 or 3 retroactive Oscars. 3275 Prime 3276 Miracle Mile 3277 Henry Fool 3278 Central Station 3279 Noi the Albino 3280 Road House 3281 Sleeping Beauty What an annoying, passive-aggressive pain in the ass. What, you're not going to do anything? You're just going to sit there, like a log? The man's got to do all the lip work? Move your lips. Move 'em! Wake up! I cannot believe how frigid this cartoon is. The coma technique sucks. I cannot believe uncle Walt has been teaching little girls the coma technique for like 60 years now. Warning little girls about that dangerous apple. Stay away from apples. Watch out for the apple. Oh my God! No wonder divorce rates have been skyrocketing. Move your lips! A little tongue! Bite the apple! Anything! Playing like your dead. What the hell kind of romantic maneuver is that? Give me the Little Mermaid any day. The Little Mermaid knows what she wants, and she goes after it. Yeah, she's irresponsible. Doesn't listen to her dad. Has to be rescued. So what if she's irresponsible, doesn't listen to her dad, and has to be rescued? That's like the perfect woman. Irresponsible women who don't listen to their dad and have to be rescued rock! And you know the Little Mermaid has a sex drive. I mean, hell, she's ready to go with another species. She's like a kink goddess. Thank God for the Little Mermaid. Anyway, you really have to pay attention to what's going on in these cartoons. Some of them are kinda creepy, I think. 3282 Brigadoon 3283 Rambo: First Blood part II 3284 Scarlet Street 3285 Two For the Money 3286 Evil Dead Trap 3287 Circle of Friends 3288 Sgt. York 3289 The Lonely Guy 3290 Porky's 3291 The Mexican 3292 The Rock 3293 Murphy's Romance 3294 Continental Divide 3295 Two Girls and a Guy 3296 The Contender Rod Lurie is a very smart moron. He's very smart in that he writes dialog well and he gets really strong performances from his actors. Sam Elliot in particular is on fire. Sam Elliot! On fire. Lurie's a moron in that he's so PC it's warped his brain. He draws characters well, but when he tries to be feminist he might as well stamp idiot on his forehead. Dear Lord save us all from man feminism. The really mean feminists are always women in academia, and the really smart feminists are always women in the arts. But the sappiest, clueless, most retarded feminists are liberal men. Lurie is like that. He puts his protagonist, Woman, up on a pedestal of goodness and decency. How dare you besmirch our Virgin Queen! Oh yeah, he prattles about equality, but really this movie is a testament to Lurie's romantic and pathetic views on Woman, which has no actual resemblance to actual women. The Contender is a movie about one of our political parties attacking a woman who is a Vice-President nominee. If you watch this movie, try to imagine it with Sarah Palin in it. You can't. You can't imagine Sarah Palin in this movie, because we all know Rod Lurie would be one of the attack dogs going after Sarah Palin. At the end of the movie, Rod Lurie puts up his feminist message: "For Our Daughters." By this he means our nice, liberal, sensitive, politically correct daughters, not our gun-owning, pro-life, "Ann Coulter is my hero" daughters. Lurie's liberal bias and glibness is evident early in the movie. A Senator is fishing with a reporter. A car goes flying off a bridge and into the lake. The Senator jumps into the water to try to rescue the woman trapped inside. He can't save her and she drowns. Later, President Jeff Bridges tells this Senator that he can't nominate him for VicePresident, because his actions "remind people of Chappaquiddick." Huh? What upsets Republicans about Chappaquiddick is that a Senator got drunk off his ass, drove his car into a lake, drowned a woman, ran from the crime scene, called his campaign manager, took a nap, put a fake neck brace on so people would feel sorry for him, and didn't spend a day in jail for any of this. That's why Republicans are upset about Chappaquiddick. Lurie's movie is like, "Dead woman in a car. Liberal on the scene. Looks bad. Republicans will kill us." Yeah yeah, we're always going after heroes who try to save lives. We hate those people. So President Jeff Bridges nominates Joan Allen instead to be his Vice-President. And of course the Republicans run her through the sewer. "Orgy! You were in an orgy in college." This is so much fun they start making up stuff. "Prostitution! You were a street-walking whore in college." This movie would have been far more interesting if Lurie had flipped the political parties around. It would have kept him from demonizing the other side and making his own side all angelic. His pat and simplistic speeches about feminism would have gone out the window. That's why he's a moron. He can't conceive of a movie where the bad guy is a Democrat. Lurie's bias is so deep, whenever he wants to humanize a Republican, he has them become a liberal for a scene. "I was so proud of you when you wrote that hate crimes legislation," says the wife of Jesse Helms to Jesse Helms. He's not Jesse Helms, he's Gary Oldman, but you know what I mean. Or he makes Joan Allen's Republican daddy an atheist who is worried about keeping prayer out of the schools. I was nonetheless interested in this liberal fantasy for the first two-thirds of it. Why am I interested? Sex. It's prurient interest. I want to know if Joan Allen was in an orgy. I want all the dirt. And Joan Allen is middle-aged and respectable. It doesn't matter. Even if she was a little old lady with white hair, hey, she's got a past. I'm interested. Lurie knows this; it's why he put sex in the movie, to keep our interest. Then, after titillating us for two-thirds of the movie, Lurie berates all the Republicans--all of America-for being interested in the sex life of his fictional character. "How dare you invade the privacy of a Woman!" The movie goes off the political cliff, with two frickin' speeches and mood music. Rod Lurie is the guy who decided to film a frickin' orgy scene. He's the one who paid money to a hot woman to simulate sex with two men. He's the one who showed us this flashback at least twice, maybe three times. Would anybody have stayed awake for his stupid agit-prop if this was a movie about financial indiscretions? Whenever some Republican attempts to explain Whitewater to me I keel over and die. By the end of the movie, Joan Allen is such a martyr for liberalism I get the giggles. Actual martyrs are fascinating. Watch The Passion of Joan of Arc, you want to see a martyr. Joan Allen is a pseudo martyr, a Rod Lurie fantasy about a politician who isn't interested in power or anything like that, she only cares about principles. At one point in the movie, Rod Lurie accuses Christians of believing in a tooth fairy. Well, I accuse Rod Lurie of believing in a tooth fairy, the saintly and noble Joan of Atheism. "Government is my church," she says, in a speech that's supposed to inspire us. It scares the crap out of me. Just in case we missed this important bit of insanity, Lurie has President Jeff Bridges repeat it in another frickin' speech. "Government is my church." Yeah yeah, bow down, America. Bow down before the government altar. Can't wait for that bumper sticker. "Government is my church." Lurie invites us all to kneel before his saintly politician, who is without sin and will lead us all to the promised land. She's so saintly she doesn't even defend herself from scurrilous attacks. Bow down, America. Bow down before the Virgin Queen. What this movie needs is a confirmation scene with Oprah as John the Baptist. "She is the One." And then saintly Joan could deliver us from evil and give us all free cars and health care, and never raises taxes, ever. 3297 The Adventures of Ford Fairlane 3298 Pollock 3299 Girl, Interrupted 3300 The Boston Strangler 3301 Cries and Whispers 3302 Days of Thunder 3303 Saturday Night Fever 3304 The Boost 3305 Modern Romance 3306 Don't Bother to Knock 3307 Diabolique (1996) 3308 The Marriage Circle 3309 Camera Buff 3310 New Jack City 3311 Welcome to Mooseport 3312 Sylvia 3313 Deceived 3314 Men of Honor 3315 The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters 3316 The Eiger Sanction 3317 The Trigger Effect 3318 Sixpack 3319 Revenge 3320 The Poseidon Adventure 3321 For Love or Money 3322 any random episode of Sanford and Son 3323 Waking Ned Devine 3324 The Man With One Red Shoe 3325 Any random episode of Hill Street Blues 3326 Decalog: Seven Evil grandma has stolen baby from her teenage daughter. "This is my baby!" Teenage daughter is incompetent mother, can't stop the kid from crying. But she wants the baby back, so she kidnaps her. Soap opera. And what's up with passive-aggresive dad? What a horrible family. No wonder the kid wakes up screaming. 3327 The Brave One 3328 Atlantic City 3329 And God Created Woman 3330 Capricorn One 3331 Sorry, Wrong Number 3332 Columbo episode -- "Requiem for a Movie Star" 3333 Before and After 3334 Murder at 1600 3335 Cabaret 3336 Red Heat 3337 Laws of Attraction 3338 Ready to Wear 3339 Changeling 3340 The Descent 3341 The 6th Day 3342 Philadelphia 3343 Men in Black II 3344 The Day After 3345 Ocean's 11 3346 Happiness of the Katakuris 3347 L'Atalante (1934) Seven minutes I think I gave this one. Which isn't fair but that's what I did. Two people got married in a church, and they're walking, they're walking, they're walking to their boat. And the whole town is following them. And these two guys are on the boat, trying to get it ready for the newlyweds. And one of them accidentally kicks something off the boat. And I can tell this is supposed to be funny. And this married couple is still walking to their frickin boat. Anyway, I bailed. I know, I'm judgmental and mean. I know! I got the ADD from hell. It's those damn cartoons I was watching when I was six. Get to the boat already. Get to the boat! Audiences did not like this movie in 1934. You know why? Cause in 1934 you're competing with the Marx brothers. You're competing with The Gay Divorcee, Busby Berkeley, Alfred Hitchcock. You're competing with The Thin Man, The Black Cat, W.C. Fields. You want to tell me this movie is more romantic than Astaire and Rogers? Funnier than Duck Soup? Cooler than Lubitsch? Jean Vigo dies when he's 29 and some braindead cultists stuff the ballots over at Sight and Sound and before you know it I'm suffering in my living room. I am skipping your cinema, Jean Vigo. Walking and walking and walking. 3348 Cinderella 3349 Teen Wolf 3350 Meet Me in St. Louis 3351 Guess Who? 3352 The Dish 3353 Hudson Hawk 3354 Road to Perdition 3355 Welcome to Sarajevo 3356 The Most Terrible Time in My Life 3357 Business of Strangers 3358 Hero (1992) 3359 Baby Boom 3360 The Morning After 3361 My Life So Far 3362 A Guy Named Joe 3363 Deep Impact 3364 Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead 3365 Sweet Revenge 3366 Burden of Dreams 3367 Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back 3368 Space Jam 3369 Royal Wedding 3370 The Mating Game 3371 Rollerball 3372 The Bachelor 3373 Reckless 3374 The World According to Garp 3375 She Done Him Wrong Somebody explain Mae West's career to me. What is wrong with early 20th century America? I mean, take Bette Middler, subtract whatever comic talent she has, subtract whatever singing ability she has, make her shorter and fatter, turn her into a tramp ho from hell, and you got Mae West. And America's like, "More, more, more." And Cary Grant's like, "I'm second banana. She's got my banana." You can do better, man, I swear. "Why don't you come up and see me some time?" Cause I'll catch syphilis, you frickin' prostitute. Normally I love bad girls. I don't know. Mae West gives me the willies. Stay a virgin, Cary. Wait for Ingrid or Grace. I've seen your future, man. Don't let the tarantula woman suck you in. This is like a horror movie. 3376 Higher Learning 3377 Dave 3378 Necessary Roughness 3379 Mobsters 3380 Every Which Way But Loose 3381 Mr. Wonderful 3382 Working Girl 3383 Bulletproof Monk I go through life, whistling, thinking I'm not a racist. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. And I go see this martial arts movie, Bulletproof Monk, cause I want to see some cool martial arts. And it's got Chow Yun-Fat in it. And he's Chinese, and he's in a martial arts movie, so he must kick ass. No! Oh my God, no! They played me for a racist sucker. He's not even a blue belt, man. That's why he's always using a gun in those gangster movies. Damn it, I'm a racist moron. I hate you, Bulletproof Monk, and I hate all the behind-the-scenes nerds who think they can simulate martial arts in their frickin' computer lab. No! You can't do that. Stop it! If I could have jumped into the movie universe I would have smacked the crap out of Chow Yun-Fat. You know why? Cause he doesn't know any frickin' martial arts, that's why. Somebody owes me nine bucks. 3384 The Cave 3385 Silent Fall 3386 Pacific Heights 3387 The Phantom of the Paradise 3388 Alien 3 3389 Captives 3390 The Interpreter 3391 Basquiat 3392 Never On Sunday 3393 Streets of Fire 3394 Johnny Guitar 3395 The Rich Man's Wife 3396 The Efficiency Expert 3397 Rock-a-Bye Baby 3398 Something Wicked This Way Comes 3399 Withnail & I 3400 Pink Cadillac 3401 Kinsey 3402 Angus 3403 Brotherhood of the Wolf 3404 The Pajama Game 3405 Roman Holiday 3406 The Sandlot 3407 Lethal Weapon 3 3408 Black Tight Killers 3409 Stroker Ace 3410 Viva Las Vegas 3411 Sleuth A remake of the 70's movie and play, this version was written by Harold Pinter. At first I thought it was a vast improvement on the original. The set design is fantastic, the dialog is serious with an undercurrent of menace, and the performances are really strong. Jude Law in particular shocks me with how good he is. (I already know that Michael Caine rocks). As in the first one, however, the story becomes farcical, as the attempt to inject more and more plot twists becomes asinine. "I'm not upset that you slept with my wife. No, wait, I want to kill you. No, wait, I want to be your gay lover. No, wait." 3412 Sherrybaby 3413 any random episode of Good Times 3414 The Pit and the Pendulum 3415 Control Room 3416 Winged Migration 3417 The Cranes Are Flying 3418 Nell I used to know a guy at work who would do a Nell impersonation. "Swiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing." Absolute hysterics, we never could get any work done when he did it. 3419 Black Blood Brothers 3420 Throw Mama From the Train 3421 Valentin 3422 Prizzi's Honor 3423 Bubble 3424 Quigly Down Under 3425 Thoroughly Modern Millie 3426 The Siege 3427 The Rachel Papers 3428 Surviving the Game 3429 Blown Away 3430 Only the Lonely 3431 The Associate 3432 To Play a King 3433 Columbo episode -- "Double Shock" 3434 The Sons of Katie Elder 3435 Jacknife 3436 Near Dark 3437 Love Affair 3438 The Pillow Book 3439 any random episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents 3440 Thelma and Louise

D- (330) 3441 Annie 3442 M 3443 Norma Rae 3444 Caged 3445 Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde So this guy, Victor Fleming, has to cast a virgin and a whore. And he's got Ingrid Bergman and Lana Turner. So Victor's like, "Okay, Lana, you play the virgin." Oh my God! Have you lost your mind? It's Lana Turner, the bad girl of the century. Are you a man, Victor Fleming? Come on. Anyway, Ingrid Bergman is that sweet, innocent streetwalker, and Lana Turner is that hot, lustful, virgin fiancee who's got nothing to do. You're killing me, Victor Fleming. And then Spencer Tracy has this dream sequence, where both Lana Turner and Ingrid Bergman are mares, and they're hooked up to his carriage. And he's smacking the ladies with his whip, going "Hi-ya!" I swear, it's got to be the first and only G-rated S & M soap opera I've ever seen. And this is 1941, Production Code is censoring everything. Joseph Breen, what the hell? How'd you miss that one? If you're gonna censor the art, you got to get out of the house more. Read up a little. Anyway, this movie is miscast all to hell. Spencer Tracy plays normal better than anybody. But casting him in your monster movie is moronic. Lana Turner is the virgin? Spencer Tracy is the monster? No wonder Breen gave this the thumbs up; it's a comedy. 3446 Commando 3447 Money Talks 3448 Oh, God! Part II 3449 Laurel Canyon 3450 Columbo episode -- "Old-Fashioned Murder" 3451 Frenzy 3452 Into Great Silence 3453 Erik the Viking 3454 Lord of the Flies 3455 Hollywoodland 3456 Frankenstein 3457 Dead End 3458 Sex, Shame and Tears 3459 Color of Night 3460 The Art of War 3461 A Nous la Liberte 3462 Sirens 3463 Comedy of Power 3464 Little Shop of Horrors 3465 Jailhouse Rock 3466 Subway 3467 The Wild One 3468 They Shoot Horses, Don't They? 3469 The Nasty Girl 3470 Final Analysis 3471 Mimic 3472 The Time Machine (2002) 3473 Hell's Angels 3474 The Air Up There 3475 In the Mouth of Madness 3476 Closer Cripes, what a bad, unwatchable piece o' crap. I knew I was in for a trainwreck when Jude Law says, five minutes after meeting Julia Roberts, "come over here and kiss me." And she does it. Oh yeah, that works. On blindly drunk screaming sorority girls. And can I just say that Mr. Jude Law has zero sexual chemistry with women? Zeeeee roooooo. He's a metrosexual poof-channeling-Peter Pan-complex bad-acting ham. He's David Bowie with a short haircut and an inability to sing. So this guy, Mr. Jude Law, who even though he's from England, cannot act whatsoever, he then gets on-line and pretends to be a woman. What a shock. Now Jude Law pretending to be a man, that would be acting. And Julia Roberts is insanely attracted to him. Why? Well, because the script says so. That's why. And then Mr. Jude Law basically stalks her into submission. "I must see you." Yeah, that works. Narcissistic demands. "I must have twenty dollars. Right now. Give it to me." And then the frickin screenplay jerks us forward a year. I mean, it's not enough that we don't care about any of these characters, we don't like any of them, we're not attached to any of them, and the screenwriter annoys us with all the fake dialog that no real people actually say. Then he's got to disrupt the space-time continuum. So it's a year later and he's been stalking her. Yeah, yeah, Peter Pan is stalking Wendy. And I think Julia Roberts actually played Wendy, or Peter Pan, or some damn character. And she doesn't even mind about the stalking. The stalking obsessive Peter Pan metrosexual who pretends to be a woman and can't be faithful or honest with the stripper? Whose flirtation technique is to talk about fish urinating in the sea? For some ungodly reason, Julia Roberts finds herself unable to resist his advances. Oh, right, because the screenplay says so. That's why. And for all you women who say, "I couldn't resist Jude Law either," well, he's appealing to your bisexuality. It's some kinda gay girl thing. Cripes, this movie would have been ten times better if they cast Portia whatshername, or some other hot lesbian, in the Jude Law part. Clive Owen competing with a hot lesbian, that might be pretty good. Although of course they would still be stuck with the same insanely ridiculous lines. "What does your love muffin taste like?" "Heaven." You know, this movie reduces everything to sex. Every conversation is about sex, every thought is about sex, every moment is about sex. But there's no sexual pleasure in the movie. No enjoyment, no love. Cripes, in 9 and 1/2 Weeks, at least they got to enjoy fruit. 3477 Heavenly Creatures 3478 Voyage in Italy 3479 Q & A 3480 Simone Oh my God. Did you ever see the movie River's Edge? In River's Edge, Dennis Hopper plays a guy who's girlfriend is a blow-up sex doll. And he talks to her all the time. That's the sort of creepy vibe I got from this film. Pacino's so happy that he has his little virtual slave who does whatever he tells her to do. Simone never complains and she says exactly what Pacino wants her to say. So we have many painful scenes where Simone says what a genius her director is. It's similar I guess to The Stepford Wives, except that film sees the horror implications in this sort of behavior. This film plays it for cute. Ugh. When Pacino has a Simone dummy, driving a car, while he's hiding below, working the gas pedals, without looking out the front window, I really felt sorry for the man. Yes, Al, you signed up for Weekend at Bernie's 3. I hope they paid you enough money, man. Look, the idea of a computer simulation who becomes a movie star is not a bad little pitch. I can hear the pitch now. "Computer simulation becomes a movie star!" But you need more than a pitch. You need a plot, you need a story. Take out "dying scientist who gives director a computer simulation program" and insert "fairy godmother," and you might understand the disdain I have for this film. They were so in love with the newness of computer simulation, they didn't think it was necessary to have any kind of story to go along with it. The film just oozes with contempt for humanity. Aside from the protagonist's love of his simulation ("she does whatever I tell her!"), you have the incredibly stupid masses of humanity, with their Simone t-shirts and their Simone magazine covers and the Simone rock concerts. "I love Simone!" Well, why exactly? I guess the filmmaker's premise is that we will watch his movie, and then ask ourselves why we fawn over Britney. The only problem with this is that people who fawn over Britney aren't going to ask themselves, "Why am I fawning over Britney?", and those of us who don't fawn over Britney are completely insulted by the director's pompous see-how-stupid-you-audience-members-are rant of a movie. And I wouldn't mind being insulted if he hadn't bored me to boot. Boredom is easily the movie's biggest sin. Boooooooooo. 3481 Fools Rush In 3482 The Bride of Frankenstein I was shocked at how bad the acting was. Karloff is pretty good, but only cause he's not speaking. Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. That he can do. Everybody with a speaking part is awful. At least, in the ten minutes I saw. Ebert's got this on his all-time great list, God knows why. Historical significance, I suppose. It's not scary, or even atmospheric. The frickin thing opens with Mary Shelley(!) explaining that the ending of the last movie wasn't the real ending, here's what really happened. And then we start in with the annoying villagers and the lame dialogue. This is why B movies are called B movies. Incompetence! Do yourself a favor and rent The Most Dangerous Game instead. Or Young Frankenstein. Puttin' on the Riz. 3483 Send Me No Flowers 3484 The Sting 2 3485 Cry Freedom 3486 One Crazy Summer 3487 China Moon 3488 Stormy Monday 3489 Walking Tall 3490 Bad Boys 3491 Theatre of Blood 3492 Village of the Damned (1995) 3493 Then She Found Me 3494 Fun With Dick and Jane (1977) 3495 Swing Shift 3496 Enemies: A Love Story 3497 Skin Deep There's a very funny scene where John Ritter is going to have sex with a woman, and she gives him a glow-in-the-dark condom to wear. And he comes out of the bathroom, and you can't see him, but you can see his glow-in-the dark condom. And then her husband comes home, and he's wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom, too. So you have two glow-in-the-dark condoms running around a dark room, chasing each other. It's hysterical. Rest of the movie sucks, but I'll never forget that scene. It's surreal and cartoonish, like watching Chuck Jones do something insane. 3498 Other People's Money 3499 Ju-On: The Grudge 3500 The Narrow Margin 3501 De-Lovely 3502 Howard the Duck 3503 Big Business 3504 Silent Running 3505 The Santa Claus 3506 The Fourth Protocol 3507 The Thrill of It All 3508 Back to the Future, part II 3509 Summer Lovers 3510 The Great Muppet Caper 3511 A Good Man in Africa 3512 Miss Firecracker 3513 A Rage in Harlem 3514 The January Man 3515 Haunted Honeymoon 3516 Jonny Quest episode -- "A Small Matter of Pygmies" 3517 The Scout 3518 King of Hearts 3519 Under Siege 2 3520 In the Cut 3521 Stevie 3522 Colors 3523 Who's That Girl? 3524 Monster House 3525 Quantum of Solace 3526 Bad Girls 3527 Made 3528 Morgan! 3529 A Private Function 3530 I'm Gonna Get You Sucka 3531 The Bed Sitting Room 3532 How to Get Ahead in Advertising 3533 City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold Jon Lovitz is a putz. 3534 The Clock 3535 The Lost Weekend Possibly the worst Billy Wilder movie ever. Unintentionally hilarious send-up of alcoholism. My favorite part was when Ray Milland was having the d.t.s., and the shadow of a, I dunno, a rubber bat, was flitting around the room. Most of the movie, though, is a chore to watch. It's on-the-wagon, off-the-wagon, hide the bottle, seek the bottle. Preachy, melodramatic, responsible message movie from the '40s. Ugh. Jane Wyman plays the saintly enabler who stands by her man. This mess of a movie is ranked 8.1 over at IMDB. Meanwhile Arthur is rated a 6.6. I think recovering alcoholics and their blue-nose brethren have infiltrated the IMDB. Not to mention the Academy awards. Cripes, what an Oscar party they must have thrown in 1945, huh? Grape juice and crackers. 3536 Chicago 10 3537 Light Sleeper 3538 Road to Bali 3539 L/R: Licensed by Royalty 3540 You Can't Cheat an Honest Man 3541 Elena and Her Men 3542 Damn the Defiant 3543 Boudu Saved From Drowning 3544 Rocky IV 3545 Leviathon 3546 Black Orpheus 3547 Skin Game 3548 Ghostbusters II 3549 Planet of the Vampires 3550 The Mackintosh Man 3551 Gay Purr-ee 3552 Silent Hill 3553 Daddy's Dyin'...Who's Got the Will? 3554 State of Grace 3555 The Center of the World 3556 Hour of the Wolf 3557 "Crocodile" Dundee II 3558 Guilty as Sin 3559 Eddie Murphy Raw 3560 The Dark Crystal 3561 The Company 3562 Labyrinth 3563 Chain Reaction 3564 Someone Like You 3565 A Double Life 3566 For Your Consideration Ugh! Really lame. I was shocked, actually. These movies are usually pretty damn funny. Best in Show is best of breed, of course (unintentional pun I swear) and I also dig A Mighty Wind. Way funny and the songs rock. Waiting for Guffman has some funny bits and some not so funny. But this one? It's the pits. Should be funny--Hollywood is an easy target--and it's just awful. Way too much dead air, unwatchable, drop kick into your TV avoid. Write a script next time fellas. Why did you release this? 3567 The Ghost and the Darkness 3568 Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea 3569 The Ladies' Man 3570 Slaughterhouse Five 3571 Gone With the Wind 3572 Mr. Sardonicus 3573 The War Wagon 3574 The Killer Elite 3575 Money For Nothing 3576 Jennifer 8 3577 Oliver! 3578 Don't Say a Word 3579 They Live By Night 3580 Bitter Moon 3581 Treasure Planet 3582 Versus This is a samurai/yakuza/zombie flick. Sounds cool to me, so I checked it out. It sucks. Horrible acting, bad score, unimaginative cinematography, and a director who thinks he can make up for all this by moving his camera around and around and around. Oh, and the editing's atrocious. More than once some guy gets shot and I have no idea who the guy is. But it doesn't matter because nobody dies in zombie forest anyway. Sam Raimi without the humor, George Romero without the competence. Amateur hour, except the frickin thing runs a lot longer than an hour. I bailed at the 90 minute mark. 3583 Fall Guy 3584 Girls Just Want to Have Fun 3585 Crimes of Passion Anthony Perkins plays a crazy street preacher. Imagine casting Anthony Perkins as a crazy guy. Boy, that’s original. Can he play normal, that’s what I want to know. Kathleen Turner plays a street-walking prostitute. She’s like, “Okay, whore. I got it. Wait a minute. Okay, I got it.” The whole movie she’s like whore, whore, whore. But without being sexy at all. Probably cause that frickin preacher is standing right next to her. It’s over-the-top and theatrical as hell, like everything Russell does, but it’s not actually interesting. 3586 The Black Swan 3587 Buddy 3588 Kissing a Fool 3589 Primer 3590 Full Frontal 3591 How To Murder Your Wife 3592 How I Got Into College 3593 Escape From L.A. Somebody needs to take John Carpenter's camera away from him, before he makes another one. They had to do this to Billy Wilder, too. Some people, you got to make 'em stop. 3594 Eyes of Laura Mars 3595 8 Seconds 3596 The Marrying Man 3597 The Man Inside 3598 Just Write 3599 Play Misty for Me 3600 Butterflies Are Free 3601 A Night in Casablanca 3602 The Paradine Case 3603 The Abominable Dr. Phibes 3604 8 Million Ways To Die 3605 The Lighthorsemen 3606 Fiend Without a Face 3607 Air America 3608 A Tale of Two Sisters 3609 Protocol 3610 The Manchurian Candidate (2005) It's a satire! You idiots. 3611 The Longest Yard (2005) 3612 The Cheap Detective 3613 Veronika Voss Only Fassbinder movie I've tried to watch. I didn't get too far into this, maybe it gets better. I doubt it, though. It starts off with this woman on a bus. And she starts going into hysterics. And I'm like, "uh, nothing's happening. You're on a bus." And then the camerawork goes all crazy, dutch angles, handheld, zooming in. And I'm like, "Quit screaming! Nothing's happening! You're on a bus!" And after like five or ten minutes of this hysterical woman on this boring bus trip, with crazy camera angles and melodramatic filmmaking techniques, I just wanted to slap her silly. It's sorta like that scene in Airplane where everybody wants to smack that little old lady who was hysterical. But at least in that movie, the fish was bad. In this movie, nothing. We're on a bus. Aiiiiiieeeee! We're on a bus. Aieeeeeeeee! I get mad just thinking about it. 3614 The Eye 3615 Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? 3616 Dragonheart 3617 Family Business 3618 Peter's Friends 3619 Cocktail 3620 Stanley & Iris 3621 Suspect 3622 The Great Race 3623 The Accidental Tourist Okay, so Geena Davis is like this crazy dog-walker, and William Hurt plays that same damn uptight white guy he plays in every damn uptight white movie he does. And Kathleen Turner is in it too, I forget what she does. And there's some non-dramatic shenanigans. This movie got nominated for Oscars. I think Susan Sarandan ought to bitchslap Geena for stealing her Oscar. So, watch Bull Durham again, that's a good movie. 3624 any random episode of Laverne and Shirley 3625 Greedy 3626 Batman Forever 3627 Big Wednesday 3628 Wicker Park 3629 Gigi 3630 What's New, Pussycat? 3631 Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man 3632 The Time Machine (1960) So I put this movie in my queue at Netflix. And the damn thing was sitting there like a time bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. Well, it went off yesterday in my living room, leaving a hell of a mess. Oh my God this movie is bad. Rod Taylor, okay one, you stole my porn name, and two, you are not H.G. Wells, you're not even sort of H.G. Wells, and three, oh my God, is that supposed to be an English accent? Stop it. Stop it right now. And they're in England for 30 frickin minutes, babbling about the three dimensions, explaining all about the three dimensions, just in case our audience is composed of second graders, then going on and on and on about the fourth dimension, time. Then making that two inch model glow and disappear. Oh my God, it's a special effects spectacular. More babble, tea and crumpets, are we ever going to get out of England? Looks at a headline, it's the Boer war. Yes, a conflict, at long last a conflict! Just not one in our movie. Conflict is in the newspaper. Gets in the Time Machine, apparently Rod is trying to escape the Boer war. Goes forward ten minutes. I swear to God, Rod is the wussiest H.G. Wells I've ever seen in my life. Then he goes to World War I. "Hey, this sucks." Then he goes to World War II. "Will the wars never stop?" Oh, what an ode to peace this movie is. Meanwhile, it's inspiring me to violence, I'm throwing shoes at the screen. 45 minutes into this thing, Rod's finally gotten to the future, and the Time Machine has flipped over on its side. Oh no! The Time Machine has flipped over on its side! Will Rod be able to fix it, before the end of the movie???? Around this time my mailman shows up. And I have to decide if it’s worth it to keep this damn thing in my house for another 24 hours. So I pop the DVD out and run it out to the mailbox. “Wait! Wait! Don’t go, you got to take this. Please, dear God, take my little red envelope." And I caught my mailman cause he’s slow. Anyway, I can only speak about the first 45 minutes. Oh, what a suckfest that first 45 minutes was. Avoid! Watch Time After Time instead, it's pretty cool. Jack the Ripper, now that's a conflict. Time Machine fell over on its side. 3633 Start the Revolution Without Me 3634 Random Hearts 3635 No Way to Treat a Lady 3636 D.O.A. (1950) 3637 Below 3638 Thunderheart 3639 Metro 3640 Sunset 3641 The Last Hurrah 3642 The Sons of Katie Elder 3643 The Blue Angel 3644 Dreamcatcher Sucks mightily, except for the toilet scene, which is great. "Stay on the toilet! Stay on the toilet! You damn idiot, do not get off the toilet!" It's really cool for about ten minutes. No, that's too many. Seven minutes. It's a great seven minute short film. 3645 Inspector Gadget 3646 Pet Semetary 3647 Little Black Book 3648 America's Sweethearts 3649 Cube 3650 American Buffalo 3651 Salem's Lot 3652 The Pawnbroker 3653 The Dream Team 3654 Texasville 3655 Three Fugitives 3656 Decalog: Five Kieslowski used a different d.p. on each film. On this one, he chose Brown and Grainy Guy. It's really an ugly-looking film, which I suppose is intentional. I always get annoyed at stuff like this. If you are capable of making beautiful images, you should make them. I guess he wanted the ugly-looking film to correspond with the ugly subject matter. Anyway, it's about a murder and an execution. There should be a lot of tension here, but oddly there's not. Everything is predictable. In fact I was bored. And I'm opposed to capital punishment, so I should be the target audience. Boooooooooooo. 3657 Columbo episode -- "Identity Crisis" 3658 Jonny Quest episode -- "Attack of the Tree People" 3659 I'll Do Anything 3660 Wife vs. Secretary 3661 La Cage Aux Folles 3662 The Mouse on the Moon 3663 Fletch Lives 3664 Star Trek V: The Final Frontier 3665 Iron Eagle 3666 Nurse Betty 3667 Twins Some moron at a story conference said, "hey, wouldn't it be funny if Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito were twins?" Ha ha ha. Ho ho ho. He he he. I hope you like that joke, cause it's 90 minutes of the $(+@) joke, and they don't have any other jokes. That's it, man. They're twins. Sorry to ruin the gag. 3668 Appointment With Death 3669 Stick 3670 Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines I don't know why, but when one studio decides to do a bug movie, another studio decides to do a bug movie. And where one one studio does a volcano movie, another studio says, hey, volcanos! So anyway, back in the 1960's, there was It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, which is the funny race movie with the long title, and all the other ones, which suck. And this one sucks the loudest. Sucks the slurppiest? Anyway it sucks. 3671 Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer 3672 Shampoo 3673 Man's Favorite Sport? 3674 Heartburn 3675 The Omega Man Charlton Heston is the last man on earth, which means he talks to himself for a while. And he's surrounded by these albino vampires who want to kill him. Except the albino vampires don't have any super powers. And they're not allowed to use guns or machines, as that goes against their albino vampire philosophy. As far as bad guys go, the albino vampires suck. And then the black power chick shows up, with her afro. Bizarrely, she's attracted to Charlton Heston. And not just cause he's the last man on earth, either. And then Charlton Heston, along with his rag-tag group of children (little girl: "Are you God?"), plan to drive off to Idaho. I think maybe this movie is responsible for the birth of the militia movement. Anyway, it sounds like it could be campy fun, but you'd have to write your own dialog. As it is, this one sucks mightily. 3676 The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars and Motor Kings 3677 Midnight Express 3678 Avanti 3679 Robin and the Seven Hoods Bratpack movies are way better than Ratpack movies. And Bratpack movies suck. You don't remember the Bratpack? You got to watch St. Elmo's Fire again. 3680 The Conventioneers 3681 Invaders From Mars 3682 Incognito 3683 Dogma 3684 Idiocracy 3685 Grease 2 3686 Coach Carter 3687 Stolen 3688 The Client 3689 Tommy 3690 Uptown Saturday Night 3691 any random episode of The A-Team 3692 The Hitcher 3693 Lost Highway 3694 A Single Girl 3695 If A Man Answers 3696 The Desperate Hours (1990) 3697 Forty Guns 3698 That Touch of Mink 3699 For Love of the Game 3700 Practical Magic 3701 The Getaway (1994) 3702 Is Paris Burning? 3703 Birdman of Alcatraz Should have been a musical. "Just hangin' out with my bird, in Alcatraz. Hangin' out with my bird, in Alcatraz. Hangin' out, hangin' out. Hangin' out, hangin' out. Hangin' out with my bird, in Alcatraz. Hangin' out, hangin' out. Hangin' out, hangin' out. Hangin' out with my bird, in Alcatraz. Not trying to escape, not trying to escape. No drama, no drama. Just hangin' out, hangin' out. Hangin' out, hangin' out. Hangin' out with my bird. In Alcatraz. Spend some time. In prison. With me." 3704 Winning 3705 Last Night 3706 Hannibal 3707 Babe 3708 Revolver 3709 Tango and Cash I think Stallone was the one who dressed well? Was that Tango? Maybe it was Cash. And Kurt Russell was the crazy one. I'll bet he was Tango. Anyway, I remember a monster truck, that's all I remember. 3710 Head 3711 The Sword of Doom 3712 Who Knows? 3713 The Whole Ten Yards 3714 Decalog: Three This one sucks. Guy doesn't spend Christmas with his family, cause he has to drive around in his car with loony ex-girlfriend. It's melodrama time. The worst episode. 3715 It Happened Here 3716 Two Weeks Notice 3717 Requiem for a Dream 3718 Best Defense 3719 Doppleganger 3720 Beverly Hills Cop III 3721 Cul-de-sac 3722 Wild at Heart 3723 Night Falls on Manhattan 3724 Save the Tiger 3725 The Anniversary Party 3726 Le Divorce Ebert gave it three stars. Ebert’s on crack. If I ever see Ebert on the street, I'm going to knock him down, take out his wallet, and remove five dollars. You owe me, Chicago. Three stars. I wish they were ninja stars, I'd stick them in you. What an ugly, stupid, boring, pitiful mess of a movie. All the French are stupid caricatures, all the Americans are even dumber, if that's possible. More pretentious and vapid than Roger Vadim. Cripes, where do I begin? How about with the old French guy who seduces Kate Hudson, let's start with him. Okay, one, what are you, her grandfather? You're creeping me out. And two, you make her drink a whole frickin pot of tisane, so her "juices" smell better? Oh, this movie is so classy. It just oozes class. And she's giggling through this? Skanky! 3727 Mini's First Time 3728 Blast of Silence 3729 Pat and Mike 3730 Comes a Horseman 3731 The Last Shot 3732 Kaena: The Prophecy 3733 Apartment Zero 3734 Les Biches 3735 Teacher's Pet 3736 Bus Stop 3737 Off the Black 3738 The Mummy 3739 Please Don't Eat the Daisies 3740 Il Bidone 3741 Baadassssssssss! 3742 Switch 3743 City of Angels 3744 Homicide 3745 Divorce -- Italian Style 3746 The Object of My Affection 3747 Le Petit Soldat Bad Godard, very bad. You want to avoid this one. A bunch of nonsense about the Algierian war. Godard has no idea what he's saying, the cinematography is bad, the humor is gone. Godard wants to make a movie about something important, so he picks the Algerian war, but he has no deep feeling about it, one way or the other. Boring, unengaging mess. Rent Battle of Algiers instead, it will blow your socks off. 3748 The Mod Squad 3749 Dangerous Liaisons Roger Vadim did this version back in the 60's. He introduces his movie, like he's a sex superstar. More like a French lizard. What is it with Jane Fonda and her men? There's probably a woman with worse taste in men than Jane Fonda, but who? Who? I'm racking my brains. 3750 Blankman 3751 any random episode of Little House on the Prairie 3752 Bowling For Columbine 3753 Read or Die 3754 No Escape 3755 Under the Roofs of Paris 3756 The Ruling Class 3757 Lord of War 3758 Columbo episode: "Forgotten Lady" 3759 Margot at the Wedding 3760 Monty Python's Life of Brian Oh my God it's so didactic and pompous. And without affection for its subject matter. 90 minutes of silly, boring indoctrination, mixed in with bad cinematography. And one joke, retold over and over and over. "Don't be a follower, don't be a follower." I got it, I got it. I will obey. Shut up already. Mel Brooks skewers religion, too, but it's funny when he does it. This is just lame. 3761 Performance 3762 The Bad Seed 3763 Needful Things 3764 Sleuth "You're having an affair with my wife. I am very upset about this, so to get my revenge you will dress like a clown." It's two men running around in a big house, one of them dressed like Ronald McDonald. Laurence Olivier and Michael Caine and the movie is the pits. There's no emotion in this film, no genuine emotion. Just a lot of unmotivated silliness. There's a lot of stuff here that should be interesting: adultery, blackmail, murder. But the characters are unrealistic and absurd. I was not in the slightest bit emotionally engaged. Which means I was bored out of mind. And there's a frantic attempt to keep our interest by piling on plot twist after plot twist, each more ridiculous than the last. "I'm a killer, you're a killer, we're both killers, but nobody's dead, but that's a lie." If you want to see an awesome Michael Caine mystery with really cool plot twists, Deathtrap. Now that's how you do it.. 3765 Airplane II: The Sequel 3766 The Sand Pebbles Bad Steve McQueen. Man, I didn't think that was possible. Some kinda epic in China with lame cinematography and a first act that goes on and on and on and on. I've tried to watch this movie twice and I bailed both times. How can you bore me with Steve McQueen? 3767 Move Over Darling Horrible remake of My Favorite Wife. It's so incompetent and vanilla, all the humor is sucked out of it. They took a raucous and hilarious screwball and made it sweet and saccharine. Gag! 3768 My Stepmother is an Alien 3769 The Big Store 3770 Eran Trece

F (262) 3771 The Grateful Dead Movie The Grateful Dead are nice hippie people and they let seriously untalented jack-offs hijack their name and issue crap under their name. This unbelievably annoying movie starts with Grateful Dead music, then they fade the music out. So you can watch the "cool" visual effects. Which completely suck. I guess they figured seriously stoned people might not notice the music quit playing. What they ought to call it is the Seriously Untalented Filmmaker Who Does a Classic Bait and Switch to Get Potheads and Other Unsuspecting Innocents to Watch His Lame-Ass and Moronic Vision With Crappy Sounds That Is Not Anything Like Grateful Dead Music Movie. Hey, deadheads, play the records. If you need visual stimulation, draw with crayons. You'll have more fun and it will look cooler, I promise. 3772 Last Exit to Brooklyn 3773 Chan is Missing This is like The Bicycle Thief, except instead of looking for a bicycle, they're looking for Chan. I don't know if they found Chan or not. I gave up the search, man. At least I knew why we were looking for the bicycle. Why are we looking for Chan? Spock, that's another guy people were trying to find in a movie. I don't mind looking for Spock. Spock's a good guy. Let's find Spock. Actually, come to think of it, I was bored as hell searching for Spock. I don't like searching for Spock, looking for Chan, or waiting for Godot. If the man's that important put him in the frickin' movie. Chan Has Been Kidnapped and is Tied to the Railroad Tracks and The Train is Coming. Now that's a movie. Chan is missing. Yeah, yeah. Put him on a milk carton and let's move on. 3774 Angels & Insects 3775 Farewell to the King Some kind of island thing with Nick Nolte playing the white god. 3776 The Two Jakes 3777 Mutiny on the Bounty Okay, how's this for insane. I don't remember which of the frickin' two movies I saw. I remember Trevor Howard (Bligh) but I don't remember Marlon Brando (Christian). How the hell could I forget Marlon Brando? Even when he's bad, he's unforgetable. That's one of the ways he can be bad, by making sure he's always unforgetable. Apparently I forgot him. Or maybe I saw the version with Charles Laughton and Clark Gable? I have a vague memory of Charles Laughton as some kinda pirate guy and an even a vaguer memory of Clark Gable. But I could have sworn it was Trevor Howard. Did I see both movies? And forget them both? Anyway, at least one and possibly both of them are bad. Damn bad, really bad, I stopped watching bad. And apparently I blotted out the specifics. You want to see this story, I would suggest The Bounty. That I remember. It's good, with Anthony Hopkins and Mel Gibson. And really awesome cinematography. The Laughton-Gable version won Best Picture in 1935, over A Night at the Opera. (Yeah, right). So it's probably not the movie I am giving an F. But it might be. I'll fail an Oscar winner. You don't impress me with your little man statue. I realize I should straighten this mess out, but to get to the bottom of this I'd have to frickin watch one of these movie again. No way. Not happening. Anyway, you've been warned. Sort of. 3778 Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia So Warren Oates has the head of Alfredo Garcia. It's in a bag in the passenger seat of his car. Or maybe it was in a box. I can't remember if the head is in a bag or a box. Actually, come to think of it, I think the head's just sitting in the passenger seat, and it's his liquor that's in the bag. Okay, let me start over. Warren Oates is drunk, I remember that part. And he's got the head of Alfredo Garcia, sitting on the passenger seat. And he's talking to the head. Conversations with the head. And either the head, or the liquor, or both, is in a bag. I remember a bag all sweaty and wet. Or a box. And flies. I remember a lot of flies. What I wanted him to do was stop the car, open the windows, shoo away all the flies, close the window, put the head in a duffle bag, like Joe Pesci did in that really bad movie, and quit talking to it. More than anything, I really wanted to shoo those damn flies away. I felt like an annoyed cow in a field. It's kind of hard to describe the emotions I felt. Take a shower. That was the emotion I felt. I had to take a shower, like right away. In the middle of the movie. I just had to wash, man. 3779 Eight Heads in a Duffle Bag So Joe Pesci is traveling around with eight heads in a duffle bag. I don't think he was assigned to kill eight people? But somehow he had eight heads in his bag. I don't remember why he was keeping the heads. Nobody said, "Bring Me Eight Heads in a Duffle Bag". This is a comedy, did I mention this was a comedy? And even though the heads were in a duffle bag, which is way better than wet, soaky brown bag, or box, or whatever the hell Warren Oates was doing with his head, we still got to look at the heads. There's a head musical number, where all the dead heads are singing to Joe Pesci. Apparently he's having a nightmare about all those heads in his duffle bag. Now if the dead heads were singing the Grateful Dead, that would be funny. But they weren't. 3780 La Vie En Rose French singer, Edith Piaf. I don't know. She's frickin' bedridden most of the movie. And it's not like she's having sex with people or doing anything interesting in the bed. "I'm just hanging out in my bed." And there would be flashbacks of her horrible childhood, so you would understand why she doesn't want to get out of bed. Sensitive artist alert. 3781 Unzipped 3782 Reign of Fire Oh it's bad. Real bad. Dragon movie bad. The screenplay sucks. No humor. Everything is slow and solemn, like you're watching Shakespeare in the rubble or something. Shakespeare with dragons. Horrible CGI. Everybody is dirty and grimy, so you can't tell who they are, except for Machanaheyhey with his bald head. The film is dark. Dark, dark, dark. By "dark" I mean you can't see anything. Please, let there be light. Turn on the light. Could somebody turn on a frickin' light? We're shooting in a cave mine with candles. Swell. Who's this guy? Who's that guy? Do I care? No. Hell no. Oh my God this movie is horrible. Ebert gave it one star. That's too high. The friggin New York Times critic liked it. He's on the DVD box. Do not be fooled. He's a liar. He's a paid assassin. He is not your friend. I am your friend. This movie is very bad. You know the movie Eight Legged Freaks? Not a great movie. Not a good movie. But ten times better than this movie. Howard the Duck is better than this movie. You remember Alien 3? I know, you've tried to forget it. But if you remember it, it's a lot, lot better than this. They used lights in Alien 3. This movie? It's like Dogma 95 crossed with Michael Bay. This is their illegitimate love child. Stay away from the dragon movie. Stay away! 3783 Pulp 3784 Keys To Tulsa 3785 Yi Yi 3786 Mommie Dearest Apparently, Joan Crawford was a bitchy woman. Huh. And she was always so sweet in the movies. Anyway, one day Joan spawned a child. Or adopted a child or, I dunno, gave birth to a child. And it didn't work out so well. Apparently the poor kid had to say "Mommie Dearest" all the time. Ack. That's too weird to be fiction. On the other hand this film is so frickin' deranged that you wish Joan was able to cross examine the witness. "Didn't I give you candy!" 3787 Two or Three Things I Know About Her Godard, you're killing me! Stop it. Just stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it. I don't know what I was expecting. A woman, I think I was expecting a woman in the movie. Two or Three Things I Know About Stupid Crap That Should Not Be Given a Feminine Pronoun, that's what he should have called it. What's so cool about Godard is that he allows mistakes to happen. Breathless is filled with mistakes. It's an amateur movie. It's such an influential movie because it freed up so many filmmakers to rebel from the tyranny of craft. A film can be so controlled that you suck the energy and the life right out of it. Breathless is a blast of fresh air, like a great jazz riff. In Band of Outsiders, his characters run through a museum. It's funny. They read from a newspaper. It works. Other Godard films (Masculin-Feminin, A Woman is a Woman) have the same loose, improv feeling. What sucks about Godard's career is that he became more and more obsessed with interrupting the narrative and controlling the narrative. His films became overtly ideological. His humor disappeared, and his affection. Watch a Godard movie after 1966 and chances are you will be subject to some sort of mindgame that will leave you feeling stultified and oppressed. Or irritated. Or just bolting for the door. And just because you're watching a movie before 1966 doesn't mean you're safe either. Vietnam made him insane but he was kinda heading that way anyway. 3788 Dracula Has Risen From His Grave 3789 Mr. Peabody and the Mermaid William Powell catches a mermaid. I can't remember what he was using for bait. 3790 Married to It! I'm not married, but I was raised by married people, and I hung around for 18 years. So I feel like I know about it. Good institution. Not sure! It needs! An exclamation point! Perhaps the screenplay is a little dull. Yes! It's dull! But we'll fool people! With our punctuation! 3791 License To Kill Okay, it's 1989. The Berlin wall falls down. Cold war is over. Communism is dead. So everybody's happy except the Bond people, who crap in their pants. So they decide to strip 007 of his 007 status, take away all his gadgets, remove all the girls named Pusssy or Plenty or Honey, and send him down to South America to try to kill some drug lord or something. Boring! I want the steel-tipped bowler. I want the razor-sharp teeth. This movie is like Death Wish with Timothy Dalton. Ouch. 3792 The Fourth War Okay, it's 1990, Communism is still dead, and Hollywood is trying to revive the corpse. In this one, Roy Scheider is some cold warrior, sorta like Timothy Dalton except with better hair. And he's going up against former Commies, or whatever. They still have guns. And there's a fence. And snow, a lot of snow. So, anyway, if you strip 007 of his 007 status, take away all his gadgets, remove all the girls named Pusssy or Plenty or Honey, make him an American, and take all the money out of the budget, you'd have this movie. 3793 Resident Evil If I had known this was some kinda video game, I probably would have avoided the movie. Dude, the only video game movie I'm gonna watch is Frogger. So when they come out with Frogger, give me a call. Video game movies suck. Actually, I think there might be one good one but I can't remember what it is. Ain't this one, this one is the pits. 3794 Go West Dude, the Marx brothers! Can you believe it? How can the Marx brothers be way the hell down here, in the cellar? I don't know, but they did it. 3795 Advise and Consent 3796 A New Kind of Love Joanne Woodward plays a girl Samantha, and everybody calls her Sam. This is supposed to be funny. Cause Sam's a guy's name. And she's a girl. And she's got a tomboy haircut. What happens, a lot, is that people mistake her for a man. The filmmakers like this joke so much they repeat it like six times. Sam and Paul Newman meet on the plane flying over to Paris. He mistakes her for a man, too. Everybody mistakes her for a man. I dunno, she looked like a girl to me. Anyway, they meet, and this is a romantic comedy, so of course they have no more interactions for the next hour. He's sleeping with all these other girls. Meanwhile, everybody is still mistaking Sam for a man. So Sam gets pissed and she decides to go to a French beauty salon and become a woman. I'm yelling at the screen, "Start the movie! Start the movie!" An hour into the movie, Sam comes out of the beauty salon. She's wearing this huge, horrible bee-hive blonde wig. Looks like one of the B-52s, except not as pretty as a B52. She was way cuter as a man. But now Paul Newman notices that she's a woman. Only he mistakes her for a prostitute. So he pays some money to the Frenchman from Hogan's Heroes, who is pretending to be her pimp. Cause Newman wants to interview her for his newspaper back home. A Day in the Life of a French Prostitute. I guess. And she's all flattered. Cause women love to be mistaken for prostitutes. And she calls herself Mimi or Fifi or whatever, and makes up stories about her prostitute life. And then there's a horrible fantasy sequence with the two of them smacking each other with soccer balls. That's when I gave up, right there. 3797 Renaissance It's a black and white animated cartoon from France, and they used some new technique that removes all the shadow from the frame. I dunno, they did some damn thing. It looks kind of cool for like ten seconds. And then my eyeballs started to bleed. It's like staring into the sun. Should come with a warning label. 3798 Good Times, Bed Times Sammi Cheung! She let me down, I can't believe it. I put the whole Sammi Cheung oeuvre into my netflix queue and I got smacked with this crap. 3799 Absolute Beginners Some kinda swingin' 60's musical they made in the '80's and it's so bad. I thought, David Bowie's gonna sing, maybe it will be good. Huh. I got a new David Bowie rule. If he's in the movie, forget it. 3800 Pepe le Moko This sounds like Pepe le Pew's snarky cousin or something. Which would be a pretty good movie, I think. This one is a stinker. French gangster flick, he runs around in Algeria, avoiding the cops, shouting "Pepe le Moko! Pepe le Moko!" Actually, he doesn't, but he might as well have. Stupid flick. 3801 Mother Night Not a big fan of Kurt Vonnegut, but I liked him in that Rodney Dangerfield movie. Rodney was Back in School and he was being tested on Kurt Vonnegut, so he hired Kurt Vonnegut to explain his own book. I don't know if it was Mother Night, or some other book. I don't think an explanation would help the movie much. I know I'd like this movie a lot more if Rodney Dangerfield was in it. That would be awesome. 3802 Stalker I keep trying to watch Tarkovsky, God knows why. Anyway, on the second attempt--required for a frickin' class, that's one reason--I sat through the whole movie. Some people like Tarkovsky. Some people look up to Tarkovsky. Some people think Tarkovsky is god of all cinema. He makes me want to smack my head into a wall of knives. 3803 Devil's Advocate This is the movie where Al Pacino is out-acted by Keanu Reeves. Yes, it's Satan's movie. 3804 Steel Magnolias Chick flick with tough broads. They're magnolias and they're made of steel. Normally I'm pretty good at dodging these things. 3805 Goin' South Jack! What the hell? It's so not funny. Oh cripes, he directed himself. Stop it, Jack, stop directing. 3806 Pieces of April Mrs. Tom Cruise is cooking a turkey. It's a big turkey drama. Will the turkey get cooked in time for Thanksgiving? Also, Mom's got cancer. That's it, turkey and cancer. 3807 Mr Hobbs Takes a Vacation Jimmy Stewart and his wife and his kids are in a house. And there are shenanigans. Really unfunny shenanigans. Jimmy Stewart is an awesome actor who is not, unfortunately, a comedian at all. This is worse than the invisible rabbit. Way worse. I'd rather watch William Powell wrestle with a mermaid. 3808 Phenomenon I remember a bald kid bending spoons with his mind, that's all I remember. Seems like Travolta was in it? So bald kid and Travolta. 3809 Dune 3810 Soul Man Some sorta dramedy about a white man trying to pass as a black man. That might be an okay movie. Might be interesting. But I don't think it would be interesting with C. Thomas Howell. Dude, you're still white. You're seriously white. You're like the whitest white dude I've ever seen. You're albino white, with really bad hair. You remember when Richard Pryor gave Gene Wilder lessons on how to be black? Gene Wilder was an A student compared to C. Thomas Howell. That C. stands for Caucasion. It's like giving Dougie Howser black pills. Some guys, they just can't pass. Anyway, when it was time for the third act to begin, one of his African-American professors--Darth Vader, actually--catches C. Thomas and gives a speech about how you shouldn't take those black pills, whitey. Yo, homey. Yo. 3811 In the Company of Men This movie, it's like watching an evil Norwegian club baby seals or something. "Aw, an innocent puppy dog. Stomp her!" If you like sadistic horror flicks you might enjoy this. If you like watching the torture porn, it might be your bag. It's not scary, though. Just mean and ugly. 3812 Leather Jackets 3813 Cross of Iron Bad Peckinpah. Really bad. World War I German thing about killing and, I dunno, manly stuff. Even Pauline Kael couldn't possibly like this one. 3814 La Brassiere It sounds like a really funny movie about a couple of wild and crazy guys who decide to start making bras for a living. Okay, it sounds stupid. But the thing is? It's even worse. Maybe in Chinese it's funny. Maybe the translation is bad. I dunno. Oh, and it's not a French movie, so don't let that fool you. It's a bait-and-switch cheap import made in Hong Kong. 3815 Demonlover Sounds good, doesn't it? Hey, she's getting it on with a demon! Or he is. Somebody is. Maybe that's what my life is missing, a demon lover. No, sorry, a demonlover. It's so hot we have to cram the words together. Anyway, you'll be sorry to find out, there's no demonlovin' in this movie. Bait and switch. Suckfest. 3816 Johnny Mnemonic 3817 Paris, Texas 3818 Club Paradise Robin Williams plays this firefighter who decides to quit and go to Jamaica or somewhere and open up a club. Or something, I can't remember. Anyway, there's an evil white dude and some Rastafarians come to the rescue. Get up, stand up. The cinematography was so bad, I didn't even want to go to this island. How can you ruin the frickin' Carribean? Beer commercials look better than this movie. 3819 The Owl and the Pussycat 3820 The Alamo 3821 Kill the Man 3822 Columbo episode -- "Last Salute to the Commodore" 3823 Weekend No one is bad like bad Godard. I swear, I think he's bad on purpose. I think it's political. I didn't get past the 10 minute traffic jam. 10 minutes of car honking, Jean-Luc. 10 minutes! 3824 Spider 3825 Jarhead Every movie Sam Mendes makes is like double the suck of the last one. He's gone from pretty good to pretty bad to pathetically awful. Man, oh man, this movie bites. Nothing happens. It's not a great war flick, it's not a great pacifist flick, it's nothing. It's dead air. Welcome to the Suck. It does have one unintentionally hilarious moment when a Marine starts crying. Why is he crying? Cause the war ended before he had a chance to shoot anybody. I just wanted Patton to slap everybody. 3826 Weekend at Bernie's 3827 Columbo episode: "Smoke and Mirrors" 3828 Q and A 3829 Volcano That's a bad movie but it's a good Jimmy Buffet song. "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where I'm a-gonna go in a volcano." "Lava come down soft and hot. You better lovin' me now or lovin' me not." You know, those lyrics seem really bad when you write them out like that. Anyway, I feel there should be more volcano comedies and less volcano dramas. 3830 McClintock! 3831 Russian Ark Okay, this movie's claim to fame is that the whole movie is one long 2 hour steadicam shot. So they walk through this frickin musuem for two hours, and it's really stressful cause if anything goes wrong they got to say "cut!" and start over. Oooooooo. Dude, seriously, cut. Cut the film. They spent like one hour on the screenplay and two months diagramming their one shot masterpiece. It's not as annoying as watching some moron walk back and forth with a candle for ten minutes but it's right up there. Cut! Cut the damn film! Cut it! And write a screenplay next time, idjits. 3832 Gardens of Stone Okay, the gardens of stone are graveyards. It's the Vietnam war, and James Caan and Darth Vader are military gravediggers. Or something. I dunno, they work in an office. And it's a really boring office. And this one young guy in this really boring office stands up and says, "I gotta get outta here. Send me to Vietnam!" And the old guys are like, "You don't want to go to Vietnam. Or you'll end up (drumbeat--Duh DUH duh) dead. And we'll bury you in our gardens of stone." "Helen, I just can't seem to get anything to grow in my garden of stone." "Well, that's because it's not a zombie movie, dearie." Oooo, now if he went to Vietnam and died and was buried in the garden of stone and he came back a zombie, and Darth Vader had to stab him in the heart with, I dunno, his fountain pen, that might be interesting. But cripes this movie? Boring. 3833 Lolita She's a hot little kiddy but what a bad movie! Why do you want to remake a classic anyway? Lyne you putz. 3834 The Specials 3835 Cecil B. DeMented I am not the John Waters fan, but even if I was a John Waters fan? I would not like this. 3836 The Longest Yard (1974) 3837 any random episode of The Jeffersons. Norman Lear white people suck. I liked the Jeffersons okay. Not bad actors, kinda funny. Who really annoyed me was that uptight white businessman who was married to that black woman with an afro. I didn't believe that relationship for a second. Honky, you are so not married to her. The uptight white cop in Sanford and Son used to bug the crap out of me too. "I am Mr. Roboto." But at least he wasn't in every episode. Doesn't Norman Lear know any white people? I know, I know, it's payback. F! I give you an F on your badly drawn white caricature. 3838 Owning Mahoney It's a so-called drama about gambling addiction. I kinda think I'm addicted to gambling. "Double or nothing." That's me, clueless idiot. So I don't gamble much. Cause, you know, I lose. This nice liberal attempt to turn gambling into a poor-wittle-victim story makes me kinda barf. Even if you want to say gambling is an addiction and a handicap, okay. Handicap movies suck. That this movie aspires to overcome-the-handicap status just marks it as horrible. James Bond is clearly addicted to gambling and sex, right? He's an adrenaline junkie. So what? Who cares? We're supposed to pretend like he's crippled? Philip Seymour Hoffman is in this movie, and he's awesome in everything, one of the better actors on the scene. Phil's like, "screw it, I'm fat. Deal with it, ya skinny punks." Good actor, obviously addicted to food. Way to lead me into 90-minute hell, Phil. No, that's wrong, hell is too exciting a word for this movie. Way to lead me into 90-minute white space of pathological boredom. 3839 Guys and Dolls Marlon in the musical. Marlon sings! I guess he sings, I didn't get that far. Mankiewicz's movies, even the good ones, always seem fake to me, theatrical. So when you give him, cripes, a musical to do, forget it. Unwatchable. And I know we're not supposed to say this, but when Brando is bad he's really bad. I bailed after, what? Ten minutes? Twenty? I like skinny Elvis and fat Marlon. What I'd really like to see is fat Marlon dancing. That would be good. 3840 The Assassination Bureau Mrs. Peel is in this and it's so bad! Why does Telly Savalas have a career anyway? Who loves you, baby? I don't! I don't! 3841 The Godfather, part III It's soooooooo bad. I like the helicopters shooting up everything. I like it when Pacino says "They pull me back in." Anyway, the Pope or a bunch of his bishops, some uppity ups up in the Vatican, anyway, there are some shenanigans, and nepotism, bad acting from Sofia. Sofia! You're so bad! And there's another gang, or something. And Rocky's wife is all melodramatic. And they bring in a Cuban, I guess cause Coppola ran out of Italians? Or maybe the Mafia is multi-cultural now. We lost our Irish so we had to bring in a Cuban. And a bunch of people get shot. Yea, mafia! It's our thing. 3842 Batman & Robin I think this is the one where they put nipples in the Bat-suit. I can't keep 'em straight. Anyway, I remember they raised holy hell about how fat Alicia Silverstone was, and then when the movie came out she didn't look so bad. A little chubby maybe. Too chubby for Batgirl, I guess. She's still hot. You're my Batgirl, Alicia. Movie sucks though. 3843 Fathom Raquel Welch gets naked! No. Sorry. Just kidding. I'm sure Raquel Welch made a good movie sometime in her career, I just can't think of what it is. Oh yeah, Bedazzled, that's awesome. This one, not. Maybe the one where she's a cavewoman, maybe that's good. Haven't seen it, though. I probably shouldn't admit this, but when Raquel Welch was retired and, I dunno, 65 or something? Still hot. Way hot. That woman's got some seriously good genes. Or good bones. Somethin'. Anyway, lovin' Raquel. Hatin' the movie, though. 3844 If You Were Young: Rage 3845 3000 Miles to Graceland Okay, I don't know what it is, but I don't like fake Elvis. It creeps me out. But the Kevin Costner fake Elvis creeps me out the most. You remember when he made Wetworld? No, wait. Waterworld. You remember when he had webbed feet? Okay, this is like webbed feet in a jumpsuit. Dude, I get the shivers just thinking about it. 3846 Chisum Bad John Wayne. I can't get over the name of his character, it sounds like some horrible body part or something. "Oh no, I got chisum in my sock." Or chisum in your underwear. Or chisum in your ear! Yuck. 3847 Raw Deal 3848 The Aristocats 3849 Danger: Diabolik I only got five minutes into it. Really bad five minutes, though. 3850 Jamaica Inn Bad, Hitch. Bad! 3851 Call Northside 777 What's fascinating about this movie is that it has maybe the best actor of the 20th century, Jimmy Stewart, and it's still awful. It's about these guys going around trying to get people to call their phone number, which is Northside 777. Call us up and help us with our investigation. They were trying to find something. Solve a crime, maybe? Locate a dog. Something. Come on, people! Call Northside 777! 3852 Housekeeping This is Bill Forsyth's followup to Local Hero, which was an awesome flick, quirky and funny and cool. Local Hero is about a town full of quirky people and a boring normal guy who gets thrown into their zany little antics. Housekeeping is the opposite. A quirky woman moves into Normal Town, and all the townspeople want to punish her for being quirky. You Bad Quirky Woman. And that's pretty much it. No humor whatsoever, no surprises, everything's predictable, and really sanctimonious. A huge step backwards for Forsyth. 3853 Amos & Andrew Amos is the black writer who's all racial and upset. And Andrew is the is the white criminal who's all white. Or maybe I got 'em confused? Maybe the white one is Amos. Anyway, one of them is Sam Jackson, and the other one is Nick Cage, and they have to learn to get along, before the police shoot 'em. Or something. Dude, it's really bad. 3854 Coming Apart 3855 Cobra Sylvestor Stallone and one of his wives. Brigitte, I think. She was kinda hot, now she's not. Did you know Stallone wrote the screenplay for Rocky? That's a good movie. Boy, this is a bad movie. He plays a guy who drives around in a Cobra. Gosh, what if he was driving a Japanese car? Sylvestor Stallone stars in Accord. That would be like a pacifist movie. Stallone would be running around, bringing harmony wherever he goes. 3856 Dark Star This is a really horrible sci-fi comedy that John Carpenter must have made in a film school with a twenty dollar budget. It's like Muppets in Space, except not that smart. Yeah yeah, Muppets in Space is like Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Spock talkin' quantum physics, when you compare it to frickin' Dark Star. He had to be stoned when he made this. Just say no, John. You need those brain cells, man. 3857 Coffy I like my coffee black. And strong. Actually, you know what? When I'm in Starbucks, I always get a vanilla latte. Never mind. 3858 Slither 3859 Off Limits Really bad movie about a couple of military policemen in Saigan trying to solve a murder. Sounds like it could be interesting, but it's not. 3860 Off Beat Not to be confused with Off Limits. That one is sort of a drama. This one is about a librarian who pretends to be a cop. I think it's sort of a comedy. You're off beat, you off limits librarian. You're off limits, you off beat M.P. Anyway, they're both bad. 3861 Enemy Mine Okay, I sat through the whole thing. So it can't be that bad, right? Well, let me tell you about it. There's this human, and this alien slime, and they're stuck on this planet together. And they learn to get along. That's the lesson. Why can't we all get along? You, me, and the aliens. I mean, just cause you're a war-like creature who thirsts for human blood, doesn't mean we can't be friends. $+@)! PC do-gooders. You can't even hate monsters in space anymore. 3862 Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House Bad Cary Grant! Bad bad bad. Wow. 3863 Napoleon Dynamite All the young people who love this movie, I just want to smack 'em. What's wrong with you people? Vote for Pedro. Vote for a smack on the head! Oh you sorry punks. 3864 What Dreams May Come So Robin Williams dies and he goes to Crappy Cinema Heaven. You don't want to go there. 3865 Murders in the Rue Morgue 3866 Kiss Me Stupid Billy Wilder. Bad, Billy. Bad! 3867 any random episode of Alice. Every frickin' episode, she would say, "Kiss my grits." Not Alice. Flo. I know who they are. God knows why, but I do. And every frickin' episode in this frickin' diner, they would run the laugh track. This is art hell. Can you imagine that was your job, to say that line every week? What would that do to you? What would it do to you have to listen to it? I think I would lose my marbles. If I was Mel and I was acting in that show? They couldn't give me any knives. I wouldn't trust myself with the knives. I'd have to cook without any knives. Quit saying that line, will you? Quit saying it! I probably wouldn't kill her. Even if I was crazy. I mean, she's just the actor. She's not responsible. Somebody's responsible. The writer, maybe? "Kiss my grits." I would be so fired from this show. I would be adding lines. "Kiss my white grits. Kiss my grits with extra salt. Kiss my grits with mayonnaise. I'd start getting vulgar with the grits. They'd have to bleep me. I would be unemployed or on death row. Something. I hate that line. 3868 No Highway in the Sky For the greatest actor in the 20th century, Jimmy Stewart sure made some bad movies. And boy, was he a ham in this one. "Planes go down! I want to get off! Planes go down!" Oh man. Too bad there's not a highway in the sky, Jimmy. What a profound movie title. No highway in the sky. I can't wait for the sequel. No Highway Under the Sea. "Submarines go down! I want to get off! Submarines go down!" 3869 Another Stakeout Cripes, what a bad title. We're on another stakeout! You know what would be funny? Is if you went to the sequel and the steak-out was a bunch of cops cooking on the grill, and all they do is sit around and drink beer. Okay, that movie would suck. But it would still be better than this movie. 3870 The Secret War of Harry Frigg 3871 The Senator Was Indiscreet 3872 Bullet Train I saw this movie cause it was supposed to be the movie that Speed was based on. There's a bomb! On the bullet train! The cinematography is so ugly. You remember those old Ultra Man shows from Japan? Ultra Man is better than this. I got a new rule, I ain't watching any Japanese movies made in the '70's. 3873 The Myth of Fingerprints You know what movies really suck? Movies that take their titles from song lyrics (e.g. Pampatus of Love). And it's super annoying when you steal your movie title from a good song. If you're going to take your movie title from song lyrics, you got to put the singing artist in the movie. Like the Beatles, that's awesome. If this was actually a Paul Simon movie, no way it would be down here. But it ain't. 3874 The Raven Quote. The Raven. Nevermore! 3875 Friday the 13th Did Jason play hockey? What's up with the hockey mask? Did they ever explain that? Maybe that's what he was upset about. Nobody asked him to play hockey. Maybe his mother wouldn't let him play hockey. Didn't want him to get hurt. Seems like his mother was involved somehow. He had mom issues. If I was Jason's psychiatrist, I think I would start by asking him about hockey. You like hockey? You want to play hockey? 3876 40 Days and 40 Nights 3877 Deal of the Century Chevy Chase. Really bad. 3878 Marked for Death I think this is the Steven Seagal movie with the Jamaicans and the voodoo. You don't want to see it. I know you don't want to see Steven Seagal movies anyway, but if you do want to see one, you don't want to see this one. 3879 The F.B.I. Story The greatest actor of the 20th century--I swear to God I'm not making this up--finds suck job movie #4 in this love song to J. Edgar Hoover and the galloping G-men. Don't shoot, G-man! Don't shoot. 3880 Sometimes a Great Notion 3881 Executive Suite 3882 The Man With the Golden Gun 3883 Trial and Error Peter Sellers made at least one really lame English comedy. I know, that seems impossible. Well it's true! 3884 March of the Wooden Soldiers I love W.C. Fields. I love the Marx brothers. I even love Bob Hope, if he's in the right movie. But Laurel and Hardy make me want to keel over and die. 3885 Dancer in the Dark 3886 Sniper Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Bad. 3887 Consenting Adults Wife-swapping and murder, sounds good but man does it suck. Pakula hits bottom with this one. 3888 Downtown Awful race-relations movie about two cops. The whitest white boy transfers downtown, and is forced to team up with the hip black guy, and they learn from each other. I swear to God that's the plot. 3889 Eating Raoul Alleged dark comedy about a couple who kills people, cooks them, and serves them up as the secret ingredient in their hip restaurant. Very campy and gay, so if you like campy and gay, here you go. Ha-ha, you're gay now, you're eating Raoul! 3890 Death Wish I'm sure some of you Death Wish experts will lecture me about how Death Wish IV is much worse than the first one. Or maybe II or III are the bad ones. I wouldn't know. Why does Charles Bronson have a career, anyway? People talk about the 70's being a great decade for movies. I always think, hey, wasn't that the decade when Charles Bronson was making all those movies? 3891 The Last Supper A bunch of liberals kill a bunch of right-wingers and then they eat them, I think? Or maybe they just kill 'em. Anyway, that's the plot. It's a kill-theRepublicans fantasy. You should have called it, Smug Liberals Who Are Ready To Kill. 3892 Remo Williams Let the adventure begin! Not. 3893 Patch Adams This is the clown doctor movie. Medical student doesn't want to study anatomy and cut up cadavers. He wants to heal with laughter and balloons. This might have been a good movie if the filmmakers realized that Patch is the bad guy. Just because you're a non-conformist doesn't mean you're right. Maybe there's a reason medical students study anatomy and practice surgery on cadavers. You stupid clown. Bad clown! Bad! It's all right with me if you cheer up the sick, Patch. That's a good job. Go to clown school. Clowns in clown school, doctors in doctor school. I know that sounds rigid and mean. How dare I keep the clowns out of medical school! Doesn't the practice of medicine have something to learn from the clown? Not really, no. My feeling on this is, nobody wants a clown for a doctor. Hence the expression, "Don't let that clown operate on me." Now, the Marx brothers made clowns out of the medical profession, and it's hysterical. So go ahead and skewer the docs, filmmakers. I'm sure they deserve it. Just spare me the santimonious healer clown with the balloons. 3894 The Eyes of Tammy Faye 3895 In the Realm of the Senses The highlight of the movie is when the girl hacks off the guy's ding-dong. So you can imagine how much fun the lowlights are. Misandry! 3896 The World of Henry Orient I think this is the one where Peter Sellers is the Asian. No, wait, I think he's white in this one. Anyway, it's another one I've obviously blocked out, but it definitely sucks. I remember that part. 3897 Bus 174 3898 After the Fox 3899 Expresso Bongo I quit 10 minutes into it. Bad, bad, and bad. 3900 Candleshoe Starring Jodie Foster, back when she was a tomboy. This was a couple of years before she tried out for little league. And she's running around, being chased by some guys. And there's an inheritance. I fell asleep, actually. No hatred here, just zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 3901 Tell Them Willie Boy is Here 3902 Gaslight 3903 Under Capricorn Worst Hitchcock movie ever. He's lucky he got to keep making movies after this one. Joseph Cotton, Ingrid Bergman. And still a suckfest. I lasted ten, fifteen minutes tops. Some sort of historical weepy drama. What the hell were you thinking, Hitch? In the Truffaut book he didn't want to talk about it. I bet! 3904 That Man From Rio This is with Jean-Paul Belmondo, aka the guy from Breathless, and he's playing a James Bond type role. So it's got to be fun, right? Ha. Apparently it's harder to make a James Bond type movie than it looks. For starters, you got to have some money. And maybe a continuity person. 3905 Zebrahead 3906 The Howling Werewolf movie with incredibly cheesy special effects. Dude, the next time somebody raves about '70's cinema, smack 'em with The Howling. 3907 Cabin Fever A bunch of kids are in the woods and they have sex. You know how sex kills you in a horror movie? Yeah, it's one of those horror movies. Does a hockey player chop 'em up? No. It's worse. They get poison ivy or something. They get this serious, face-burnin' v.d. Yo, horror-makers! I'll never have sex in the woods, I promise! Quit scaring me! 3908 Getting It Right Before there was The 40-Year-Old-Virgin, there was this, the 31-year-old virgin. Funny, right? No. It's not. 3909 Father of the Bride, Part II God knows why I saw this movie. I'm pretty sure it wasn't my idea. I kinda think a woman was involved. I myself knew it would suck. I saw the original, and it sucked. And I saw the remake, and it sucked. So I saw this sequel of a remake sucking from miles and miles away. Now, I did not perhaps realize the extent of the suckiness. But I knew ahead of time that we were in the general vicinity of suck. And yet I still saw it. At least I've managed to avoid Father's Little Dividend. Dude, you're going to have to shoot me with tranq-darts and scotch tape my eyeballs open to make me watch Father's Little Dividend. 3910 The Couchtrip Something. I think there's a psychiatrist? Walter Matthau, Dan Ackroyd. Donna Dixon. I think she married Dan to get this role? Or divorced him? Anyway, bad. 3911 The Trail of the Pink Panther Okay, this is the Pink Panther movie without Peter Sellers. Got it? No Peter Sellers. Peter Sellers is dead. So when you're putting all the Pink Panther movies in your netflix queue, you want to stop before you go too far. 3912 On Deadly Ground Steven Seagal, environmental hero. Think Al Gore with a ponytail. Anyway, he's up against an oil company. Or somebody. Some kinda bad Republican. I think actually Exxon secretly funded this movie to make greenies look really, really stupid. 3913 Lock Up Sylvestor Stallone and Donald Sutherland go mano-a-mano. Stop. 3914 Millennium I don't think Kris Kristofferson ever made a good movie, actually, and I damn well know Cheryl Ladd never did. Although I did have her poster on my wall for much of my puberty. I also had Kristy McNichol on my wall so what the hell did I know. Anyway, she comes from the future, something to do with airplanes and zippin people into the future, and bad special effects. 3915 Bulletproof I may just be Adam Sandler's biggest fan. And even I think this movie is bad. So, you've been warned. 3916 The Wild Life Cameron Crowe wrote this screenplay. That's astounding, because this is awful. Chris Penn is wild and crazy and....oh, I'm going to stop right there. 3917 Hostage Horrible Bruce Willis movie about this hostage, and Bruce is like a...something. A lifeguard? An ex-CIA agent lifeguard? With a past? Or something. I just saw this movie a year ago and I've already blocked it out. Avoid. 3918 The Kid Horrible Bruce Willis movie about this kid, and Bruce is like a fairy godmother or something, trying to cheer the kid up, or some damn thing. Cripes, it's so bad. 3919 Forget Paris Billy Crystal and Debra Winger. I think a feminist once made a documentary, she was asking why smart actors like Debra Winger can't find work any more. And I think her thesis was that men like young pretty women, not old smart women. And, you know, men suck. And while this is undoubtedly true, you could also argue that people who make #&+)! like this don't particularly deserve to have film careers. Of course, Billy Crystal still has a career, sort of, but at least he's funny, sort of. 3920 And the Ship Sails On Bad, Fellini, bad! It's like he's showing you home movies or something, about this very boring ship ride. Luckily, he wasn't in the room with me, forcing me to watch it. God, could you imagine? "And here is when we board the ship. And here is when we stand and wave." Luckily, since Mr. Fellini wasn't in the room with me, forcing me to watch it, I was able to turn it off and keep my sanity. 3921 Modern Problems Chevy Chase. Bad. 3922 Mr. Klein And you thought all the bad movies were American. Ha! Joseph Losey, step right up. You suck! I know what you're thinking, did I actually watch the whole movie? No, I didn't. I’m not a robot. I’m a human being. If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you make brain matter ooze out of my ears, if you set my eyeballs on fire, if my nasal hairs are flaring and I am swallowing vomit, do I not throw your cinema into the wall and spit on it? Yeah, I do. So maybe it got better, after that first horrendous and pointless and extremely crappy and slow ten minutes. I concede the point. Nonetheless, that first ten minutes is so mindnumbingly awful, that I feel confident in multiplying it by nine, concluding it's a suckfest, and moving on. Why waste any more ink and/or emotional bile on the sorry sack of &$)+(!? Exactly. Although if I ever run into Losey in a restaurant I'm spitting in his gazpacho, I know that much. Patooey! 3923 Mr. Jones Richard Gere playing the lamest mental illness I've ever seen. I can't even remember what the hell it was, it was so lame. Bi-polar, maybe. He was up and he was down. Or maybe he was depressed? I got bored when he was manic so you can imagine what it was like when he was depressed. Cripes. Paranoid schizo, now that's a mental illness. Nymphomania. Kleptomania. Anything with mania is good. Bi-polar, cripes. I want to see that, I just hang around my house. 3924 All the King's Men Won the best picture award in 1949. So I guess they had crack back then. Hideous cinematography and no continuity. I don't even think I got ten minutes into it. Too incompetent for words. You know what movies came out in 1949? On the Town. A Letter to Three Wives. The Third Man. She Wore a Yellow Ribbon. And you give the Oscar to this? Dude. 3925 Tom Jones Another Academy Award winning stupid flick. I cannot sit through this movie. I guess in 1963, promiscuous sex was considered, what, daring? Funny? Hot? I dunno. To me it's just boring, boring, boring. Call me old-fashioned but I like the fireworks between two people. One self-absorbed narcissist scoring chicks--or dudes, whatever--it annoys me. You might as well put bags over their heads. James Bond is the only character I can think of who pulls this off. But of course in a 007 movie that's all extracurricular stuff. You've got a Dr. No or whoever and there's your antagonist, and that's the fireworks. In Tom Jones, the sleeping around is the movie. That's it? That's your movie? It's so lame. In 1963 you could give the Oscar to 8 ½ or The Birds or The Haunting or It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World or Lord of the Flies or Dr. No, for crying out loud. I just can't watch. 3926 Cemetary Man Rupert Everett stars in this homage, I guess, to the Italian horror film doofus, Dario Argento. So it's, like, quadruply bad. They say comedy doesn't export very well, but cripes, Rupert speaks English. Anyway, zombies, bad cutting, amateur hour, very boring. 3927 Screamers Bad Peter Weller sci-fi flick. I'm not sure Peter Weller ever made a good sci-fi flick, actually, but this is a phenomenally bad movie. I guess Robocop was kinda funny. "Must not move jaw. Must not move jaw." Weller was always doing rehashed versions of The Terminator or Alien, and I guess he's everybody's ninth choice as a sci-fi lead. Can't act? Play half a robot! Anyway, this is a fairly original sci-fi movie, which unfortunately means it's one of the worst things I've ever seen. There's something to be said for rehashed mediocrity when the alternative is asinine boredom. 3928 Joe Somebody That's not me forgetting the title, that's what they actually called the damn thing. Whathisname is challenged to a fight and chickens out, and then he spends the rest of the movie trying to reclaim his manhood. It's like Mickey Spillane for retards. 3929 Ghost Story Really lame horror movie with old people. Everybody's 70 or 80. And I'm worried that they're gonna make 'em run or something. Please don't chase the old people. They got Fred Astaire, who's very old, not dancing, and Douglas Fairbanks Jr., who's even older. Wasn't he in silent movies? Man. Anyway, I watched for like ten, fifteen minutes, got one cheesy death, and I still had no idea who the bad guy was. 3930 Barbarosa I fell asleep in a movie theater. Willie Nelson plays, well, Willie Nelson. And I think he's a cowboy or a...something. And Gary Busey, maybe? This was before he cracked his head and the IRS was suing Willie. Back in the good ol' days. Anyway, they were bad guys, or good guys maybe. They rode horses, I remember that part. And it's bad, I remember it being very, very bad. 3931 The Principal I think this has Jim Belushi in it. I wonder how the hell they pitched this thing, anyway? It's Death Wish meets Mr. Holland's Opus. 3932 Men at Work Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez play brothers who collect garbage for a living. And there's some kind of garbage-related plot. Maybe there's a dead body in the garbage? I'm just guessing, I don't remember. Nuclear waste in the garbage? Anyway, they climb aboard that ol' garbage truck, and clean up the mess. 3933 So Fine Okay, so Ryan O'Neal makes these blue jeans, and they got glass or some sort of see-through material in the buttocks area. And girls would wear them. It was like crescent moons of ass cheek. Covered by glass or plastic or whatever. I forget what material he used. Maybe it was a trade secret? A see-through trade secret. I actually don't remember a plot or story or anything like that. I just remember those damn jeans. It was like looking in an aquarium, an ass aquarium. Except not as fun. 3934 Whale Rider This is like the PC movie of all time. So it's either gonna make you feel warm and snuggly, or you're vomitting in your shoes. (Good thing I wear Crocs). 3835 Posse Bunch of rappers play cowboy. I don't know what's worse, rappin' cowboys or cowboy rappers. Probably rappin' cowboys. No, wait, I think I'll go with cowboy rappers. Anyway, it's bad. 3936 Brain Candy 3937 The Russia House 3938 Three to Tango 3939 Fool For Love Robert Altman directs this movie version of a Sam Shepard play, starring Sam Shepard and Kim Basinger as brother and sister. It's a motel love triangle. Okay, if Kim Basinger was my sister, I'd still probably want her. Sure. I can see that part. But why would she want me? I mean, she could have anybody, right? I just don't get all this whiny depression. And, let me ask, if Sam Shepard didn't write sexy parts for himself, how many sexy parts would he get, anyway? I know I'm supposed to suspend my disbelief, but Kim Basinger pining away for Sam Shepard, come on. You know what I'd like to see? Britney and K-Fed. Now that's a movie. If Kim Basinger shaves her head and checks herself into rehab, then okay, I believe she's depressed. But if you're just hanging around a motel, mildly depressed, what the hell kind of depression is that? Depressing, that's what. I say push the mental illness. Make 'em bald and crazy. I miss bald Britney. Whenever I see Britney now, all I think is wig wig wig. Cause for a while she was wearing a wig, right? I don't know what to believe. Are the boobs real? Is that your hair? It's all fake now. I need authenticity. Bald Britney. Is that a movie title or what? Bald Britney. I mean, sure, Kim Basinger is a Fool For Love, okay. Adult incest, that's foolish, right? I think Britney's making better choices than you, frankly. I just don't believe it, that's all. I don't believe the adult incest or the mental illness or your whole frickin' story. You're jumping off the deep end here, Kim Basinger. You're going below Britney. If you're going below Britney, you got to commit to it. What you did is timid, Kimmy. Timid. 3940 Homeboy You may be wondering, what the hell happened to Mickey Rourke's career? You probably aren't. But in case you are, well, he wanted to box. But before he wanted to box, he made a boxing movie. And this is it. Homeboy! Here you take one of the most cinematic sporting events of all time--the boxing match--and you still can't make an entertaining movie. Look, he wants to box. Punch him in the head! Make him bleed! I want to see it! God this movie sucked. 3941 The Birth of a Nation Yeah yeah, I am Ranting on the Classics. D.W. Griffith gets credit for doing stuff other people were already doing. Kind of like Henry Ford, I guess. And hey, both were anti-Semitic! Go Klansman, go Klansman. I suppose he should get credit for making a name for himself. Nonetheless I subtract a zillion points for being the worst screenwriter in the history of the English language. I'm sorry, but if audiences were finding you melodramatic in the 1920's, that's like a serious clue that you suck. I know second graders with a better grasp of subtext. Mr. Griffith, you lame-o, please stay dead. 3942 Desperate Measures Michael Keaton plays this killer who's got rare blood or a rare bone or something that Andy Garcia wants for his sick kid, so there are all these unbelievable and patently ridiculous plot twists that make you throw your shoes at the TV screen. Don't even bother. 3943 The Package The package is some dude that Gene Hackman has to deliver. Only he loses the package. I think the package runs away. And then everybody suspects Gene Hackman is the package. So he has to find the package so he can say, "See! I'm not the package. The package is the package." Lame, befuddling and lame. 3944 You're a Big Boy Now Oh my God. So anyway Francis Ford tries to write a coming of age story, about some horrible family with some 21-year-old virgin who's got the brain of a 10-year-old and he's out on the streets and he Learns About Life and it's so bad. Ain't no bad like Coppola bad. This movie wants to reach out and pinch your cheeks or something. Barf! You know that horrible segment Coppola did in New York Stories? Worse than that. You know Godfather 3? Worse than that. You know Gardens of Stone? Worse than that! It's the worst thing Coppola ever did ever. There ain't no suck like genius suck. 3945 Nightwatch Okay, so Ewan McGregor is a law student who works nights as a security guard at a morgue. You know, guarding the dead. I'm not sure what for. And there's this serial killer going around killing people, and the dead people end up in the morgue. This actually sounds like a great comedy with Abbott and Costello. Hey Abbott! Unfortunately, it's a drama. A badly written, badly shot drama. Forget it. 3946 The Cat and the Canary Some sort of truly awful silent horror flick that I have erased from my memory. 3947 My Girl A little love story for Macauley Caulkin with a tragic ending. Awwwww. Barf. How the hell did I manage to see this, anyway? 3948 The Last American Virgin One scene I remember is that everybody loses their virginity with this hot Mexican senorita. Well, almost everybody. First, the good- looking kid loses his virginity. Then, the really fat kid loses his virginity. "Yes! My big burrito!" She kept saying that, I swear to God. "Ooo, ooo, my big burrito!" And he was really naked, too. The whitest, palest, nudist, fattest white kid you ever saw. And the Last American Virgin is third in the love train--yeah, yeah, he’s got to follow big burrito love--and her boyfriend or husband or whoever came home, so they all have to jump out a window. And then they had crabs in school the next day. So, that's a lesson. And then the Last American Virgin pays for an abortion for the girl of the good-looking kid, and then at a party she hooks up with the good-looking kid again, instead of the virgin. It's a Last American Virgin tragedy! What a bad movie. Tom Cruise did one of these with Shelly Long, it was like The Last American Virgin in Mexico. This one stars, I dunno, some loser with funky lips. 3949 The Men's Club Misogynist trifle about a bunch of guys who drink alcohol and bitch about women. That's the plot. 3950 The Island of Dr. Moreau Marlon and Val, each trying to out-method the other, and both failing at once. I am the leopard. No, I am the leopard. I have lived with the leopard for weeks so that I become leopard. Well I too live with leopard and I pee to mark my space. Well, I growl! Grrrrrrrrr! 3951 Hardly Working Okay, I like Jerry Lewis, I admit it. Both Way...Way Out and Artists and Models are excellent, I truly dig The Nutty Professor, and The Bellboy is arty and cool. Having said that, when Jerry Lewis is bad, boy that's some annoying +)%. This is his comeback movie, he was a little old-in-the-tooth for it. He's probably done a half dozen more annoying movies, but I saw this one. I was embarrassed for him. Get through puberty already. You're frickin 60, man. 3952 Double Impact What could be worse than Jean-Claude Van Damme? Clones! Or twins. Whatever. Anyway, they're two of 'em. And no, they don't fight. I would kinda enjoy seeing Jean-Claude Van Damme hit himself in the face. That would be funny. 3953 Mallrats This movie is so incredibly incompetent that it's a miracle Kevin Smith still has a career. Clerks is pretty funny, vulgar and funny, and impressive in an ultra-low budget sort of way. The rest of his films range from mediocre to suck. This one has massive amounts of dead air and is hands down the worst I've seen, even worse than Jay and Silent Bob, and I walked out of that one. 3954 The Sicilian Whenever somebody rants about how the book is always better, ask them if they've read some Mario Puzo lately. "She's too big down there." Stop the literature, it's over my head. Anyway, The Sicilian is Puzo's attempt to break away from the Godfather franchise. Hmmmmmmmm. We'll go back to the old country! I'll bet they tried to send this screenplay to Coppola and he's hiding from the FedEx guy. "I'm not here, go away!" So it was directed by Michael Cimino. And you know what? The book is better! Cause the movie is so frickin bad. 3955 Solo Mario Van Peebles, as the android who wants a heart. Or something. I'm just a poor little robot but I want to feel. Oh my God, this movie is bad. 3956 Arthur 2: On the Rocks Of course the writer and director of Arthur died, but that doesn't stop our wonderful studio from trying to cash in on the sequel. Melodramatic and stupid, they bring the butler back from the dead and send Arthur to rehab. I wish I was kidding. 3957 Meet the Feebles I gave up on this movie in two minutes, which might be a record. Dude, the muppets are G-rated and they're funnier than this. 3958 7 Faces of Dr. Lao I think it was Peter Sellers in this one, but under all that makeup who the hell can tell? Oops, it was Tony Randall. Hey, that's even worse. Anyway, I firmly believe that Caucasians should not play 7 different Asians. Or maybe it was one Asian with 7 faces? I’ve erased the memory. Anyway, Tony Randall is playing 7 Asian faces, and he sucks. No wonder the Chinese are sending us poisoned dog food. 3959 Making Mr. Right Feminist movie about how men suck and the only sensitive man is a robot. Some sort of dildo metaphor I guess, but cripes, ladies, what a bad movie. 3960 Shout at the Devil Lee Marvin and Roger Moore. Sounds like it should be good, right? Huh. 3961 No Mercy Takes place down on the bye-you. Kim Basinger plays an illiterate Cajun slave girl, and Richard Gere rescues her or some damn thing, from her evil stepdaddy. Or husband, or whatever. I can't remember specifics, I blocked it out. Saw the whole damn thing. 3962 Lawnmower Man Whoa, this movie reeks. Nothing says bad like bad sci-fi. 3963 Zorro, the Gay Blade 3964 Bluebeard Sounds like a senior citizen pirate, right? Or a spokesman for Fruit Loops. But he's actually a serial killer in England. I think it was England. And really bad, unwatchable cinematography. 3965 The Servant Losey, you still suck. 3966 Cinderfella I lasted 2 minutes on this one. It's possible this is one of Jerry Lewis' winners, but you know, I'm not going to test that theory. "Cinderfella! Cinderfella!" Dear God. You know, Jerry Lewis having a sex change, that might be funny. 3967 Fearless Vampire Killers I gave this one maybe half an hour, which is very generous and optimistic. I figure, Polanski, he's got talent. Course, he also made Cul-de-sac, which is a smoking pile, but at least that movie looks good. This movie looks awful, the cutting is ridiculous, the humor is missing. You remember that seriously not funny British comic known as Benny Hill? This movie is kinda like that, except even not funnier. Maybe if he had Leslie Nielson or George Hamilton or, I dunno, somebody with comic timing, they could have made a funny little vampire movie. Or at least a mediocre one. I don't think Polanski ever attempted a comedy again, which is good. 3968 Congo I dig Michael Crichton. Spielberg's version of Jurassic Park is a lot of fun, a corker of a movie. Barry Levinson's version of Disclosure is pretty good. The films Crichton directed himself pretty much suck. But this movie, directed by Frank Marshall, is the pits. 3969 Utopia Frickin’ Laurel and Hardy again. Oh my God I hate Laurel and Hardy. Why do I know these people? What is wrong with America? 3970 Supersize Me A vegetarian goes to McDonald's for a month. Can I just say, if I had to eat vegan for a month I would keel over and die. 3971 Captain Ron Kurt Russell plays this...I'm sorry. I just can't talk about it. Let's move on. 3972 Me and Him Talking penis movie. I like vulgarity. Vulgarity is funny. You give Jim Carrey or Drew Carrey or Adam Sandler or hell, me, a talking penis, that's funny. This movie? Not funny. Very not funny. I guess the critical thing the filmmakers forgot to think about was what the talking penis was going to say. I don't remember what it was, but whatever it was, not funny. I remember that part very clearly. Urine jokes? Erection jokes? Semi jokes? What the hell would a penis talk about, anyway? Maybe I didn't like the voice of the penis. Anyway, it’s horrible. Let’s keep moving on. 3973 Brewster McCloud Robert Altman has an uneven career. Back when he was doing a lot of drugs, he wasn't what we would call consistent. The Long Goodbye is an awesome flick. McCabe and Mrs. Miller. But most of his '70's output is, uh, not so good. This one is about a boy who lives in the Houston Astrodome. He has a flying machine and the movie has really bad cinematography. That's all I remember. Apparently he has a fairy godmother, too. I don't think I got that far into it. Anyway, you got to be careful with your Altman watching. You pick at random and you're gonna have some unhappiness. 3974 Over the Top I don't think I actually saw this movie. I think I was flipping channels one day. And there was Sly, in the arm-wrestling tournament. With his hat on backwards, to inspire him and give him strength. I saw Stallone flip that hat backwards and I felt the power, the seriousness of a man who flips his baseball cap backwards and is ready to get it on. And I kept flipping the channel. It's unfair, I suppose, to rank it as one of the worst movies of all time. On the other hand, it's a frickin' arm-wrestling movie. With arm wrestlers. 3975 8MM Child porn. Nicolas Cage. Yes! No. Or maybe it was a snuff film? I can't remember. Anyway, he was a private eye and he was hired to track down a movie, cause the daughter was in it, or the sister. Somebody was in it and they had family who was unhappy. Cheery flick for the whole family. I think Disney has optioned the sequel. Who the hell shoots porn in 8mm anyway? 3976 Body of Evidence Madonna. Willem Dafoe. Have sex. Uck. 3977 The Favor Brad Pitt movie before he was Brad Pitt. I guess this was right after his chicken suit gig. Brad Pitt, if you don't know, used to wear a chicken suit for a Mexican restaurant. He would stand out on the street and cluck at people. That's a bad gig. This movie is a step down from that. 3978 The Langoliers Okay, this is the worst Stephen King adaptation ever, and that's saying something. It starts off pretty good, and then goes completely off the rails. And Bronson Pinchot gives possibly the worst acting performance that's ever been given by anybody on a big screen, ever. I kid you not. It is painful to watch. Probably you're not wondering, "what the hell happened to Bronson Pinchot?" But if you are, well, this is the answer. 3979 Slamdance People were running around, doing stuff. I think they went to clubs. And there was some other people, doing stuff. Kinda chasing something. Or being chased maybe. In the club again. 3980 Brainstorm Natalie Wood died in the middle of it. And they stuck some other brown-haired woman in the rest of her scenes. "We'll shoot around it. No problem!" The really sad thing is that I remember Natalie Wood in the movie. Christopher Walken was in it too, apparently. Huh. Could have fooled me. You'd think Christopher Walken would make some kind of impression. Particularly since he was alive for all his scenes. 3981 Fist of Legend 3982 Wise Blood 3983 Electric Dreams Nerd and his computer and, uh, bad songs. I think the computer tries to take over the world or something? In a good way? I can't remember. Anyway, all the computers work together and save the day. Yea, technology. Starring somebody. 3984 Sweeney Todd This is not Tim Burton's movie. This is the play. And they set film cameras up and they filmed the play. And these people, on stage, oh they suck. Angela Lansbury, I'm talking to you. You know, even in the dark ages of cinema, when they were just figuring out this stuff, I don't think anybody was quite dumb enough to think you could just film a play and people would like it. Get off the stage! Get a budget! Why is this available on netflix anyway? Rant rant rant. Evil evil. 3985 If... Supposedly a classic but I find that hard to believe. Criterion made a version of it, but cripes they sell versions of Michael Bay too. You want to be a Criterion completist, you're gonna see some crap. This movie is retarded. "I'm an unhappy adolescent and I want to shoot everyone. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" That's pretty much the plot. This movie and The Principal need to get together and work out their issues. 3986 Schizopolis At this point in his career, Steven Soderbergh was artistically drained. So, in order to re-charge his batteries, he went out and made this low-budget indy movie. That's the official story. The actual story, is that at this point in his career, Steven Soderbergh was artistically constipated. So, in order clear his blockage, he took the filmmaker equivalent of a box of Ex-Lax and loosened his artistic bowels onto an unsuspecting public. He dropped every bad idea he ever had into this movie. All the retarded, moronic, idiotic, offensive, boring and ugly ideas, he let it all go, right here. Here he amasses all his suckjob impulses and splats them into one 90-minute primal scream of crapola. It's the nuclear waste dump of Soderbergh cinema. So you if you're wondering how the guy who made this piece of a smoking pile could turn around and make cool films like Out of Sight or Ocean's Eleven, that's cause all his bad ju-ju is here, man. Hey, filmmakers. If the pursuit of unobtainable perfection is screwing you up, go the opposite way. Make the most horrible film you possibly can. It's kind of interesting idea. Just don't distribute the *&+#)! thing. 3987 Shocker They execute a murderer and his spirit goes...somewhere. I can't remember. Seems like the serial killer came back to life without actually being a ghost or a zombie. I don't know how that works. And it seems to me there was some shocking involved. Like he had a super-power now? Did he go around shocking people? I think maybe he shocked people. But he wasn't a zombie. Damned if I can remember how he did that. Maybe he zapped himself into other people, and then started shocking them? Or was he in a TV? Maybe he shocked somebody through the phone lines? Or cable television. They shocked him into the nether world of electricity and death. Or something. 3988 The Boyfriend Boy, Ken Russell makes some bad movies. How could one man screw up the Who so badly? Anyway, this is Russell’s worst movie. Or the worst one I’ve seen, I’ve kinda given up on the guy. It stars Twiggy, and there's no reason you should know who that is, but if you do know, it's not your fault, it's this damn stupid culture we find ourselves in. I know the 14th century sucked--at least, that's what I heard, sounded pretty bad--but at least the 14th century didn't have Twiggy. Or Madonna. Or Cher. People with one names can bite me. You know you have two names, you big liar. Anyway, Ken Russell has never made a good movie, as far as I can tell, but at least his films usually have some kinda freaky and cool set designs. Theatrical and fake as hell, but cool. This movie, aside from the Twiggy factor, has lame and boring set designs. So there's literally no reason to watch it. It's Tommy, except without the Who, without Tina Turner, without cool set designs, and with Twiggy. So stay away, people. 3989 The Fly II Eric Stoltz had a nice little indy movie career there for a while. I guess this was his attempt to move into the majors? Anyway, what a misfire. Horrible special effects, bad writing, bad acting, bad directing. Even the grips suck on this one. One of the worst sequels, ever. 3990 Meet the Applegates You remember a movie called Heathers? Good movie. Anyway, the filmmaker who made that movie took his 15 minutes of fame and used it to get this film made. I bet the screenplay had been sitting in his closet for a couple of decades. Anyway, Ed Begley Jr. stars as one of the Applegates, who, if I remember right, is a giant bug pretending to be human. You don't want to meet the Applegates, you really don't. 3991 Three Men and a Little Lady The baby from the first movie grows up, becomes a little lady. And there's some sort of plot, people running around. I think there is a castle. Takes place in Europe, maybe? 3992 Born in East L.A. This is Cheech without Chong. You know how movies based on songs suck? Okay, Cheech sang this song, Born in East L.A., which is a takeoff on Springstein's Born in the U.S.A. You got it? So this is a movie based on a parody song. And it's worse than you can possibly imagine. 3993 The Last Starfighter Robert Preston gives me hives. I hate Robert Preston. 3994 Camp 3995 Grace Quigley I think this was Katherine Hepburn's last movie. If you thought she looked old in On Golden Pond, well, take that movie, and add a couple of decades. She's old, man. She's very, very old. And Nick Nolte plays a hit man. If I remember right, he's assigned to kill her, but decides that he loves her. I remember thinking, oh God, please don't have sex. Please. Maybe they become hit men together? Seems like I remember they became hit men together. Hit people? Anyway, assassins and senior moments. 3996 any random episode of The Super-Friends. 3997 Robin and Marian Okay, I have strong opinions on Robin Hood. Robin Hood should be fun. He's merry, damn it. You remember that Kevin Costner movie where he's moping around, all old and tired? "Look, I just got back from the Crusades, and I'm tired, damn it." You remember that one? Okay, take that Robin Hood, close your eyes, think of that Robin Hood, he's Sean Connery, and he's bald. And he's old. And he's so damn tired. Now you take Marian and make her old. And I don't want to go on another old age rant but cripes. Watching this movie is like listening to old people talk about their joints. Forget it. It's not a movie. It's not entertaining. If I'm going to listen to old people for two hours I want credit for it as a good deed. And god this movie is slow. They should have made it French with subtitles it's so damn slow. On Golden Pond was zippy and cool compared to this. 3998 McQ I didn't realized I hated old people until I started making my list-o-hate. Okay, this is old John Wayne, and he's very old. And fat. And he's trying to be Clint Eastwood. So you have to pretend that this old, fat, stupid American is scary and tough and mean. Cripes, he's fatter than Elvis. McQ? What the +$*#)! kind of Irish name is that? It's like watching Willie Mays try to catch when he's 65. Just stop already. 3999 Bad Boys This is not actually the Michael Bay movie, which is bad enough. This is the Rick Rosenthal movie. Sean Penn goes to juvie. And he ought to, with that hair. 4000 Monsieur Hire No clue. Apparently it's a bad French movie. 4001 The Front Page Okay, so His Girl Friday is one of the most brilliant screwball comedies ever. And Billy Wilder--who, by the way, started sucking when he got old, just an observation--decides to remake the film, just like the stage version. So Hildy is a man, now. Why, Billy? Why? It's unwatchable, and the cinematography is dreary. There have been four versions of this material at least, and this is, far and away, the worst. At least, the first ten minutes is the worst, I quit watching in disgust. 4002 Freeway Reese Witherspoon is a skanky hitchhikin' ho and Kiefer Sutherland is a demented psychologist. Mean and hateful little film, makes you want to take a bath. 4003 Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult The first sequel is so good! Better than the original, I think. But the sequel to the sequel, ugh. David Zucker didn't direct it and boy, you can see a difference. 4004 Finnegan Begin Again This is one of the first HBO movies, with my favorite actor, Robert Preston. He's playing this old guy named Finnegan. And whenever something bad happens to him, he says, "Finnegan, begin again!" That's really all you need to know, I think. 4005 Shortbus Lot of gay sex in this movie. And no lesbians! What's up with that? And where the hell's Tipper when we need her? I need a warning label. So I fast-forward through all the gay parts and, six minutes later, I'm at the credits. Two minutes of Asian girl getting pounded--classic bait and switch--and no lesbians. I dunno, it's like the filmmakers are biased towards a certain form of sexuality or something. 4006 The Quest Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, that's all I remember. Apparently, he's the leader of a group of kiddie thieves who become entangled with a debonair pirate played by Roger Moore. You'd think I'd remember that! Anyway, he's sold into slavery and then there is martial arts fisticuffs. All these Jean-Claude Van Damme movies sorta run together, but kiddie thieves and Roger Moore the pirate. Wow. I have no memory of it. That's how bad it was. 4007 Until the End of the World Ugh! Believe me, it takes a long frickin' time to get there. Please, please, please, apocalypse, hurry up! 4008 any random episode of What's Happening? I've heard that the Klan kidnaps innocent white people and brainwashes them into racism by scotch taping their eyeballs open and forcing them to watch What's Happening? over and over. That's probably just a myth, though. 4009 Nostalghia Okay, Tarkovsky. I was assigned this movie for class. I was being graded on it. And I still fell asleep. I looped myself up beforehand with sugar and caffeine, knowing I was watching Tarkovsky, and not just Tarkovsky but one of his long ones. (And they're all long, brother, believe me). So I'm heavily stimulated and I still fell asleep. Twice. My classmates woke me up, because I was snoring. All I remember is that damn idiot walking back and forth with that candle. Some people find this meaningful, apparently. The candle's about to go out! I just want to smack everybody. He's walking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Oh my God I’m being hypnotized. Back and forth and back and forth. With the candle. I fall asleep again. I wake up again. He's still walking with the damn candle! It must have been a 10 minute candle walk, I swear to God. If I was on that set I would so tackle that mother$+&@). I got no patience for candle-walkers and the people who love them. 4010 Soldier 4011 The Wilby Conspiracy Well-intentioned suckfest about apartheid. Michael Caine is accidentally handcuffed to Sidney Poitier and they must Learn to Get Along. Stanley Kramer did this a lot better in The Defiant Ones. Look, if you're going to make a message movie, at least be competent. You're competing with Nazi propaganda, Communist propaganda, all kinds of evil propaganda. So if you're going to make propaganda for the good guys, you got to make a good movie. It's embarrassing when you put forth a half-ass, pathetic effort like this. I'm anti-apartheid and you're anti-apartheid. But you suck. Which makes me feel bad, you anti-apartheid p.o.s. 4012 Thunder Road Robert Mitchum as a fast driving bootlegger. Sounds really cool, right? That's what I thought. Huh. You've been warned. 4013 Cadence Martin Sheen and his children work through their issues on the big screen. 4014 Broken Blossoms or The Yellow Man and the Girl A lot of people give D. W. Griffith props for being an innovator in cinema. He's an evolutionary step up, a cinematic frog-man, and we must recognize his contributions to the art form. Yeah, whatever. He can’t write. His screenplays are horrible. Insipid writing. Twain is flippin' over in his grave. It's not just the racism; all his characters are flat and boring caricatures. I remember the stereotypical cartoons of my childhood--Pepe Le Pew, Foghorn Leghorn, Speedy Gonzalez, the black crows from Dumbo--with fondness and affection. Yeah, these cartoons are simplistic, reductionist, maybe even racist. But they are also human and fun. Griffith's racism is beneath childish cartoons. He is literally unable to create or suggest real characters. I think his racism is intertwined with his romanticism and his melodrama. He is unable to see people as they are, and utterly fails to create realistic and human people on the screen. Even Griffith's historical importance is overrated. He made the first feature-length movie. Well, whoop-to-do. Everybody and his mother was making short films. Louis Feuillade is making 45-minute vampire movies, ten of 'em in a row. And Griffith makes one 3-hour monstrosity? That's the lamest contribution I ever heard of, the long-ass movie that makes your butt sore. Just another reason to spit when you hear his name. 4015 Loaded 4016 Britannia Hospital 4017 The Kid With a 200 I.Q. Whatcha talkin' about Willis? Here Gary Coleman plays a kid going to college. Only he doesn't look like a kid anymore. He looks like a midget 30-year-old man, at least. And somewhere along the way, I'm not saying he got old, but, you know, the cuteness faded. But the weird thing is he's not hitting on girls or drinking or any of those other college type activities. He's like a kid who wants to study and that's all he wants to do. And he puts both his arms in his backpack. That always annoys the crap out of me. I got a thing about people in school who put both their arms in their backpack. I know, I know. Some people get mad about injustice or smog or people starving in Bangledesh. I get mad about people who don't know how to frickin carry a backpack. Are you afraid it's going to fall off your shoulder? You just got to strap in or what? It drives me crazy. And I'm the crazy one, I know this. Still, it kind of sent me over the edge, watching this 30-year-old abstaining virgin midget in college carry his frickin' backpack like that. I lasted 10 minutes, tops. 4018 Revenge of the Nerds 2 I should have known to stay away when Anthony Edwards turned down the sequel. I mean, how much money did they throw at him, and it's not like there's a huge demand for his services. What's he going to make, Downtown 2? And yet he still turned down this movie. Yikes. And I still paid money to see it. Twenty years later, the scars remain. 4019 Lifeforce oh poor Tobe Hooper. "Once upon a time I directed Poltergeist. No, it was me! I did it! Damn you, Spielberg." Anyway, space vampires and they're Not Good. 4020 Caddyshack II A screenplay so pisspoor that Rodney Dangerfield turned it down. "I got no respect but even with no respect I got too much respect for this crap." The worst sequel ever made, ever, which is saying something. 4021 The Believers I think I saw the whole thing. Seriously bad horror film with Martin Sheen. 4022 The Over the Hill Gang Rides Again I know what you think I'm going to say. You think I'm going to say, "There are a lot of seriously old farts in this movie." Which is true, by the way. But that's not my complaint. I knew that going in. The damn thing is called The Over the Hill Gang Rides Again. It's not like they used false advertising to suck me in. Although, if you think about it, Walter Brennan was pretty damn old when he made Rio Bravo in 1959. So add a couple decades and that's a seriously old man. But I'm not complaining about that. The point I'd like to stress here is that Walter Brennan cannot carry a movie by himself. And I love the cranky old coot. But cripes this movie is bad. He's not even cranky, really. He's just senile and...old. Okay, I'm an ageist. I had no idea, I swear. Okay, now we're really getting down to the bile. 4023 Ten Days Wonder This is a French movie with Orson Welles, directed by Claude Chabrol, who made The Bridesmaid and other cool flicks. So it's got to be a good movie, right? Uh-huh. Let me just point out that at this point in his career, Welles was making 30-second commercials for Gallo wine. "We will sell no wine, before it's time." And let me tell you, I would rather sit through 180 of those commercials in a row, than try to watch this #&+%! piece of flaming $&+)! again. And hey, I love French movies, the French rock. But when they suck, hands down, they are the worst on the planet. (As we shall see). 4024 Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks Soft porn, really lame soft porn. You're probably wondering, hey, how come there's no porn on this list? Actually, there should be, Devon made this really crappy one. Should I go back and add bad porn? But even bad porn is pretty good. Or, at least, useful. But bad soft porn? All the production values of the porn industry with none of the sex. I think Satan invented soft porn. 4025 The Pampatus of Love I watched the whole thing. So it's a good enough movie to cause me 90 minutes of increasing unhappiness, pain, and irritation. Lots of movies announce their suckiness right away, allowing you to escape relatively unharmed before you've made any sort of commitment. But this diabolical p.o.s., apparently inspired by a stupid lyric in a stupid song, kept me on the hook for an increasingly desperate and mean 90 minutes. It's so awful, and yet I'm still watching. Damn you, Pampatus of Love. Damn you to hell. 4026 The Ninth Configuration Some people think William Peter Blatty is a genius. I am not one of those people. I think he is a suckwad. If I had to prosecute him for cinematic crimes, this would be Exhibit A. J'accuse! And no, I didn't it make it past the first reel. Dude, I don't even know how long a reel is, but I didn't get there. 4027 Cabin Boy I should admit up front that I've only seen about ten minutes of it. So it's possible that--no, scratch that. These filmmakers should die. Tolerance is overrated. Kill them all. 4028 Pauley Shore is Dead Dude! Worse than Biodome. Worse than the one when he was on the jury. I haven't seen that one, but it has to be. Worse than the one when Brendan Frasier was a caveman. This movie is beyond the bad. Let me just clear up something right here. He's not dead! He's in the whole frickin movie! I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I was thinking, I dunno, Pauly Shore was gonna die. And it was gonna be fun. Huh! Ha! Not dead. Very not dead. The worst part is how pathetically sad this movie is. Like he had a career, sort of, and he misses it, so he self-finances this, ugh, video, in order to get his, yow, career back. So it's like a Pauly Shore movie without the professional cinematography or anything that make it look like a real movie. I thought it was gonna be darkly humorous, like we were gonna kill the Pauly Shore persona. I thought, I dunno, intelligence, maybe? Bait and switch! Bait and switch! He is his persona! He's not dead! Oh my God. 4029 Cyborg Bad science-fiction with bad cinematography and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Do not confuse this with Universal Soldier, which is pretty good. Or at least comfortably mediocre. We are miles and miles below Universal Soldier. We are beneath bad Charles Bronson. We are closing in on the worst movie ever made. And no martial arts! At least, not in the few minutes I sat through. 4030 The Lonely Lady More soft porn. Pia Zadora soft porn. Who? Well, she's no Robert Preston, let me tell you. Actually, now that I think about it, in Victor/Victoria Robert Preston doesn't suck. I guess I should confess here. Sometimes I find myself saying, "Trouble. With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool." God knows why I say it, it's just another reason to hate Robert Preston, but I do. Damn you, Robert Preston. Anyway, Robert Preston is Olivier compared to Pia Zadora. Not to digress, but on the other hand who the hell wants to talk about The Lonely Lady--look, I was desperate and 14 and real porn wasn't available to me--but I don't think Olivier is Olivier. What I mean is, he's a great stage actor, but overrated as a film actor. Not in Michael Caine's class, for example. Sure, he's a great Nazi, but other than that, what's Olivier known for? Hammy Shakespeare. Of course, he's the best Nazi ever, which is like saying you're the best bad guy ever. He played him afraid, and it's brilliant stuff. "Is it safe?!?" You take Olivier out of Marathon Man and that movie sucks. My theory on this is that Dustin Hoffman pissed Olivier off, with all his Method stuff, so Olivier is like, I'm gonna kick your ass, Method boy. So he gave us an insanely great film performance. His first and only, I think, but still great. 4031 Hardware Sci-fi. Bad. Really, really bad. You're probably saying to yourself, hey, they can't all be bad. Tastes differ. No. Not when we get down this low. Not when we're in the sewer. Tastes do not differ in the sewer. Unless you're a sewer rat or something. Human beings do not like this movie. I say this with confidence. If you like this movie, dude, stay away from small children. I drum you out of humanity. You're a monster. You don't belong with us. 4032 Irreversible And here it is. The worst movie ever made. French. Art. Movie. I saw it on the big screen, which just magnifies the suck, intensifies it. Let's start with the awful buzzing sounds. The sound effect of an annoying fly. Weird sounds. I'm being annoyed by weird sounds. Camera swerving, this way and that. Fat, naked man. Tripod! Camera needs to sit on tripod! Plot is moving backwards. Backwards. Sdrawkcab rof on 'nikcuf nosaer. Or, should I say, !nosaer 'nikcuf on rof sdrawkcaB It's like Memento for retards. In French. The buzzing will not stop. Tripod! Put camera! On tripod! Nauseous. Stomach heaving. I already know about the 10-minute sodomy rape scene, coming up, looking forward to it. Nauseous! Ambulance. Reminds me I feel sick. Going into the gay club now. Steadicam. Dolly. Anything. Somebody hit the cameraman on the head with a large stick. Swallow the vomit. Swallow it. Don't eat the popcorn. Cannot watch, cannot stay. Unspeakably bad. Stream of conscious bile. Hatred for all humanity. No, that's not right. Hatred is a word for better films. I'm past hatred, past anger. I've gone to a place beyond the dark force. It's a place filled with bile and regurgitated pretension. No, wait. I still want to smack people. It's hard to describe my emotions, actually. Tripod! Tripod! And turn off! The sound! Needless to say, I got no stars for this movie. Closer to my feelings would be to hunt the filmmakers down and poke their eyes out with a stick. I guess that sounds a little harsh to you people who haven't seen it. You, the lucky ones. I hate you too. Post New | Post Reply | Reply Later | Create Poll Report Post | Recommend it!

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