Idea Transcript
THE DYNAMICS OF DIFFICULT CONVERSATION JULIE NELSON, PHD CLINICAL ASSISTANT PROFESSOR - OUHSC
• The process by which individuals use symbols to WHAT IS COMMUNICATION
CONVERSATION – SPOKEN COMMUNICATION
• exchange information and meaning • to manage their environment • and define relationships • It is dynamic, transactional, intentional and goal oriented.
WHAT MAKES COMMUNICATION DIFFICULT? • Often involves change • Helpful to see the positive side of change and the potential opportunities it brings
• Emotional escalation • Helpful to see emotions NOT as “good or bad” but as “appropriate or inappropriate”; to recognize how you react and think of different ways emotions can be controlled if necessary; to anticipate effects of conversation and tailor what we say accordingly
• Unplanned vs. Planned
WHAT MAKES COMMUNICATION DIFFICULT? • Time constraints • Personality Traits / Ego defenses bent on self preservation • Stress response/ Inadequate Self-Care • Attitudes of disconnection, inflexibility, judgment • Context/ Environment • Power Differentials • Few Communication Skills • Avoidance of conflict • Fear
WHAT BLOCKS EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION • Verbal/ Emotional Aggression • Anger, Blame, Criticizing, Denial • Ordering, demanding, name calling, verbal aggression disguised as a joke, countering, trivializing, undermining, blocking/ diverting, threatening, withholding, forgetting, evaluating, excessive questioning, pathologizing/ diagnosing. (Patricia Evans, Robert Bolton PhD- People Skills)
• Cognitive Distortions/ Thinking mistakes
• Self Esteem by McKay and Fanning: overgeneralization, global labeling, filtering, polarized thinking, self-blame, personalization, mindreading, control fallacies, emotional reasoning
POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY • What you focus on gets bigger • Identify your VALUES and move TOWARD what you want more of • So …. We want to focus on …..
• The Ideal Interaction
IMAGINE AND PRACTICE • Imagine and practice extending an attitude of good will to yourself and to others • Imagine and practice accepting support and extending support to a co-worker • Imagine and practice being yourself and honoring those around you • Imagine and practice learning and growing at your own pace and honoring the difference growth rates of others • Imagine and practice creating an informative environment
A VISUAL IMAGE/ METAPHOR FOR OPTIMAL INTERACTION
WHAT FACILITATES EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION • Awareness of Complex Dynamics involved in information and meaning exchange • Willingness to Learn • Active Listening Skills • Social Skills • Cultivation of Attitudes that Foster Connection • Awareness vs. Denial, Curiosity vs. Judgment, Mutuality (goodwill) vs. Power Over (hostility), Passion/ compassion vs. indifference, celebrating/ appreciating vs. tolerating differences, Professionalism vs. untrained, Connection vs. Separation, Flexibility vs. Rigidity
• Compassionate Response • Valuing Self and Relationships/ Connection INTERDEPENDENCE • Flexibility
ACTIVE LISTENING A CORE COMPETENCY CARL ROGERS PHD
LISTENING FROM A PLACE OF CURIOSITY FOSTERS HEALING
IMPLEMENTATION: MANAGING DIFFICULT CONVERSATION
• Difficult communication is complex. There are no magic gimmicks or pat answers. Effectiveness requires more than memorizing and following simple communication rules. Requires an ability to analyze the situation and choose behavior appropriate to it without sacrificing one’s own values and beliefs.
IMPLEMENTATION: MANAGING DIFFICULT CONVERSATION • Score the interaction by considering cost vs. gain. Is this a situation you wish to work out with the other person(s) or one you will resolve within yourself? • Effective collaboration requires time and willing participation from others. • Choose an appropriate place
IMPLEMENTATION: MANAGING DIFFICULT CONVERSATION • Create a safe atmosphere • Goodwill, curiosity, active listening, third party observer, respect, value all perspectives
• Clearly define the NEEDS (vs. solutions) of each person/ organization. Identify VALUES (Active listening to facilitate understanding is crucial here)
• Identify commonalities. Find common ground • Brainstorm about ways to meet the needs that were identified • Acknowledge, identify and manage emotions
IMPLEMENTATION: MANAGING DIFFICULT CONVERSATION • Set small reasonable clear goals that move TOWARD what you want MORE of • Set a time in the future to re-evaluate • Implement the plan • Evaluate the problem solving process at a later date. • How well did the solution work? • What adjustments may be needed?
ENTERING THE SYSTEM OF SELF • Can effect positive change to a system through various entry points Mental
Emotional
Spiritual
Relational
Physical
Environmental
WORK AND PLAY BALANCE • IF you feel you have little control over your situation at work
• Maybe you would benefit from a chance to be in charge of an individual endeavor where you decide the rules and the time schedule.
• IF your work requires a great deal of mental activity
• Maybe you need an activity that requires no concentration or thought
• IF you spend a great deal of time caring for others
• Maybe you need to give yourself permission to do something just for yourself
• EVERY challenge area is also a strength on a continuum …. Consider taking small steps toward balance
REVIEW • What makes Communication Difficult? • What blocks Communication? • Visualize the Ideal Interaction • What facilitates Effective Communication? • Active Listening is a Core Competency • A plan for managing a Difficult Conversation • The Importance of Self-Care