We're Not in Lake Wobegon Anymore - In These Times [PDF]

Aug 26, 2004 - “I don't want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into th

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Berniecrats Score Another Major Win Against the Democratic Establishment Red Cross Is Instructing Truckers to Draw Blood and Nurses to Load Trucks The Self-Help Guru Who Shaped Trump’s Worldview Roy Moore’s Loss Signals a GOP Tearing Itself Apart Ahead of 2018 Rural America’s Population is Shrinking for the First Time Ever

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Something has gone seriously haywire with the Republican Party. Once, it was the party Be the first of your friends to like this

of pragmatic Main Street businessmen in steel-rimmed spectacles who decried profligacy and waste, were devoted to their communities and supported the sort of prosperity that raises all ships. They were good-hearted people who vanquished the gnarlier elements of their party, the paranoid Roosevelt-haters, the flat Earthers and Prohibitionists, the antipapist antiforeigner element. The genial Eisenhower was their man, a genuine American hero of D-Day, who made it OK for reasonable people to vote Republican. He brought the Korean War to a stalemate, produced the Interstate Highway System, declined to rescue the French colonial army in Vietnam, and gave us a period of peace and prosperity, in which (oddly) American arts and letters flourished and higher education burgeoned—and there was a degree of plain decency in the country. Fifties Republicans were giants compared to today’s. Richard Nixon was the last Republican leader to feel a Christian obligation toward the poor. In the years between Nixon and Newt Gingrich, the party migrated southward down the Twisting Trail of Rhetoric and sneered at the idea of public service and became the Scourge of Liberalism, the Great Crusade Against the Sixties, the Death Star of Government, a gang of pirates that diverted and fascinated the media by their sheer chutzpah, such as the misty-eyed flag-waving of Ronald Reagan who, while George McGovern flew bombers in World War II, took a pass and made training films in Long Beach. The Nixon moderate vanished like the passenger pigeon, purged by a legion of angry white men who rose to power on pure punk politics. “Bipartisanship is another term of date rape,” says Grover Norquist, the Sid Vicious of the GOP. “I don’t want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.” The boy has Oedipal problems and government is his daddy. The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians,

LE ARN M ORE

people who believe Neil Armstrong’s moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt’s evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts trying to walk. Republicans: The No.1 reason the rest of the world thinks we’re deaf, dumb and dangerous. Rich ironies abound! Lies pop up like toadstools in the forest! Wild swine crowd round the public trough! Outrageous gerrymandering! Pocket lining on a massive scale! Paid lobbyists sit in committee rooms and write legislation to alleviate the suffering of billionaires! Hypocrisies shine like cat turds in the moonlight! O Mark Twain, where art thou at this hour? Arise and behold the Gilded Age reincarnated gaudier than ever, upholding great wealth as the sure sign of Divine Grace. Here in 2004, George W. Bush is running for reelection on a platform of tragedy—the single greatest failure of national defense in our history, the attacks of 9/11 in which 19 men with box cutters put this nation into a tailspin, a failure the details of which the White House fought to keep secret even as it ran the country into hock up to the hubcaps, thanks to generous tax cuts for the well-fixed, hoping to lead us into a box canyon of debt that will render government impotent, even as we engage in a war against a small country that was undertaken for the president’s personal satisfaction but sold to the American public on the basis of brazen misinformation, a war whose purpose is to distract us from an enormous transfer of wealth taking place in this country, flowing upward, and the deception is working beautifully. The concentration of wealth and power in the hands of the few is the death knell of democracy. No republic in the history of humanity has survived this. The election of 2004 will say something about what happens to ours. The omens are not good. Our beloved land has been fogged with fear—fear, the greatest political strategy ever. An ominous silence, distant sirens, a drumbeat of whispered warnings and alarms to keep the public uneasy and silence the opposition. And in a time of vague fear, you can appoint bullet-brained judges, strip the bark off the Constitution, eviscerate federal regulatory agencies, bring public education to a standstill, stupefy the press, lavish gorgeous tax breaks on the rich. There is a stink drifting through this election year. It isn’t the Florida recount or the Supreme Court decision. No, it’s 9/11 that we keep coming back to. It wasn’t the “end of innocence,” or a turning point in our history, or a cosmic occurrence, it was an event, a lapse of security. And patriotism shouldn’t prevent people from asking hard questions of the man who was purportedly in charge of national security at the time. Whenever I think of those New Yorkers hurrying along Park Place or getting off the No.1 Broadway local, hustling toward their office on the 90th floor, the morning paper under their arms, I think of that non-reader George W. Bush and how he hopes to exploit those people with a little economic uptick, maybe the capture of Osama, cruise to victory in November and proceed to get some serious nation-changing done in his second term. This year, as in the past, Republicans will portray us Democrats as embittered academics, desiccated Unitarians, whacked-out hippies and communards, people who talk to telephone poles, the party of the Deadheads. They will wave enormous flags and wow over and over the footage of firemen in the wreckage of the World Trade Center and bodies being carried out and they will lie about their economic policies with astonishing enthusiasm. The Union is what needs defending this year. Government of Enron and by Halliburton and for the Southern Baptists is not the same as what Lincoln spoke of. This gang of Pithecanthropus Republicanii has humbugged us to death on terrorism and tax cuts for the comfy and school prayer and flag burning and claimed the right to know what books we read and to dump their sewage upstream from the town and clear-cut the forests and gut the IRS and mark up the constitution on behalf of intolerance and promote the corporate takeover of the public airwaves and to hell with anybody who opposes them. This is a great country, and it wasn’t made so by angry people. We have a sacred duty to bequeath it to our grandchildren in better shape than however we found it. We have a long way to go and we’re not getting any younger. Dante said that the hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who in time of crisis remain neutral, so I have spoken my piece, and thank you, dear reader. It’s a beautiful world, rain or shine, and there is more to life than winning. GARRISON KEILLOR

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In These Times

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Join the discussion… Dave Phillips • 13 years ago

Exactly!

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judybee • 13 years ago

Funniest, truest description of recent history to date.

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Sally McCoy • 13 years ago

What a great call to arms. 2000 was an awful mistake. Time for a war on error.

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Laura • 13 years ago

Right On!

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PusBoy • 13 years ago

Keillor is dead on here. "Aggressive dorks." Indeed.

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Jacob K. Goldhaber • 13 years ago

A nicely articulated sad but true story. We must do our best to see that the current White House resident has moved to other quarters on or before January 20, 2005. Those who can afford it should make political contributions; those who can afford the time should help with the registration of voters. This is a critical time for our country. On November 3 (barring a 2000 type fiasco)we will know if its future is intact.

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Jackie Giles • 13 years ago

So,don't hold back, Garrison,tell us what's REALLY on your mind! You're so right to speak out in spite of the pinch-nosed pundits who would deny creative, entertaining folk the right to express their views!

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Leon Singer • 13 years ago

So true but so sad. Lets work and pray for a change in spite of the computerized-no-paper-trail voting machines. Shame on you Bush&Co.Inc.

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jules timerman • 13 years ago

We are in the grip of fanatics, who will not let go without a real battle. All who think must also act. Thank you your courage, Garrison!

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Bill Harding • 13 years ago

Let's all please wake up and VOTE. ... back to Crawford and the mud Four wheeler.

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Jonathan Potter • 13 years ago

An American telling it like it is on 9/11. More power to your arm Garrsion. (Yes we did get the Prarie Home companion in Australia)

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Bob Hetrick • 13 years ago

Garrison summed it up! Coming from Arizona I can say with confidence that even Barry Goldwater wouldn't recognize the current ilk of Republicans, even though he bears some responsibility of helping make it the preferred home for lovers of the Confederacy amd worse. America needs for them to not only lose in November, but get slapped hard - losing the White House and both branches of Congress.

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Katie Stafford • 13 years ago

It is time to stand and be proud to be a democrat - and foil the politics of fear! Right on Mr. Keillor. Time to bring back that big ticker showing the daily growth of the national deficit. It worked to get his pappy out of office! Take it back in 2004!

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Gail Breakey • 13 years ago

Garrison, thank you for speaking out so clearly. Too many in our country are mesmorized by the rhetoric of the right...and the press has so silent. The events of the past three years are so destructive to the country-being led to a war costly in lives and needed financial resources with fear-mongering and lies, destroying the positive image and good will of our country in the world,failure to toughen vulnerable facilities against terrorists, failing to take other rational steps globally to reduce terrorism and actually increasing risk by totally alienating the Arab world...and driving up the deficit to eliminate educational and social programs which enrich our country, travesties against civil rights of citizens as well as prisoners. We cannot afford another four years as the damage may well be beyond repair. The press and other leadership must expose the lies---too many people do not realize the extent of what is going on because it has been so well camouflaged. More press must speak out as you and Bill Moyers have...and quickly. Aloha, Gail Breakey

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Marton • 13 years ago

Garrison, Amen, finally someone who has pointed out in clear terms: This election is not between Bush and Kerry, it is between Democracy and Brave New World mixed with 1984. Now all we need is for Kerry to wake up and come out slinging instead of being so polite, and freedom will return to the USA.

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BJ Edwards • 13 years ago

Thank you Mr. Keillor! You hit the nail so hard on the head that the darned thing probaly popped off! lol Caused me to have goose bumps for the first time, well the second actually in a very long time! The first was watching the recent Democratic convention when so many eloquently stated the facts and showed the anger and frustration that I've felt for the last three plus years. For the first time in a very long while, I actually sang The Star Spangled Banner! As I am a minority of African American descent, I stopped singing it while in college back in the early 70's when I realized that until what was promised was kept for all Americans,it meant nothing to me. But, now any time anyone "accidently" sends me an email that promotes this "infant terrible" person at the White House (I have yet to call him president, and I'm from Texas too!)they immediatly get one in return saying, "I am a dyed-in-the wool, bleeding heart liberal", who wonders when we lost our right to express what we feel. I haven't changed nor will I when it comes to this land that I love. I tell them that although I very much support our troops where ever they might be in the world does not mean that I can be against the war of errors that we created in Iraq. I read an article recently talking about the surreal quality that has encompassed what is going on and I find it to be so true. It's really like a bad dream that you can't shake off or wake up out of! I just hope that on November 3rd, this time when I wake up it won't be like the shock of November 2nd, 2000! I love being counted in the number of academic Democrats. This administration could surely benefit from some of our intelligence, wit and compassion.

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BJ Edwards • 13 years ago

Correction: "I tell them that although I very much support our troops where ever they might be in the world does not mean that I can be against the war of errors that we created in Iraq." Should have read "I can't be against the war..."

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Andrew Oplas • 13 years ago

"...and there is more to life than winning." Garrison, you had better hope so, because lose you will. Lose you must. Because those horrible Republicans you speak of - and those who support the best President since the end of WWII - we will surely prevail. And you WILL lose. Most importantly, the world will be so much better for it. You are a talented, likeable man... much more likeable when you keep out of the political debate. A. Oplas

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Brian • 13 years ago

Garrison Keillor makes me proud again to be a Minnesotan and an American! My favorite quote from the article has to be "Hypocrisies shine like cat turds in the moonlight!" Has there ever been a more succinct and accurate description of what is happening in DC?

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Neil Friedman • 13 years ago

What just happened. I lost the message I was about to post. I'll make this short then. Garrison I love you! yes it's true. I am a man and I I can profess my love for another man, freely without fear of being ostracised for it. You have written from the heart and for that I thank you. I wonder, what would Honest Abe think about his party? I was at the recent J Kerry Sp[eech at Cooper Union. I had never been there before. There on the smanll stage in that cavern like room is the very lecturn from which Abe Lincoln delkivered the speech that catapulted him onto the National Stage. When J Kerry stepped out and stood behind it I cried. Yes, honestly tears fell. There he was, a bonafide American hero who has spent his entire adult life defending the Constitution and his country with, life and limb. And I thought about his opponent, a man of few personal accomplishments, a man who, if not for his name would never have amounted to much. Then I looked around this small room, crammed with like minded men and women. I imagined I was in Plato's cave.And the shadows on the walls that I had been steering at for four long years see more



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Sally Russell • 13 years ago

I don't understand how anyone can look at what has happened in this country -- in this world -- over the last 3 years can say, as Mr. Oplas does above, that we need this administration for another 4 years. Im convinced it will be the end of our Republic if Bush is reelected. The public education system will die -- is being killed -- the public safety net will die -- is being killed (how is it we can use our tax dollars to finance health care for all Iraquis but not for all Americans?) -- public discourse will die -- has been killed. A president who believes he can get all the information he needs from his advisors, who doesn't know or care what the majority of the country thinks, can only kill the country!

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Larry Congdon • 13 years ago

Mr. Oplas, above, sounds like a typical conservative/Republican "pundit" -- he simple prognosticates, using simple words, and cannot be bothered to back what he says. What he commen thonestly brought to my mind was Kruschev saying "We will bury you!"

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Larry Congdon • 13 years ago

[Correction on above] Mr. Oplas, above, sounds like a typical conservative/Republican “pundit”—he simply prognosticates, using simple words, and cannot be bothered to back what he says. What his comment honestly brought to my mind was Kruschev saying “We will bury you!”

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Sue • 13 years ago

This old lady adds her AMEN! sue.

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Roger W. Norman • 13 years ago

Having done some serious internet research over the past 5 years, first starting with regime change from the 50s on, and then into corporate movement into what was typically government business (spurred by Eisenhower's "military-industrial complex" warning), and through today's affairs of business and state, I decided that I needed to approach these topics as one rather than being multiheaded. In doing this, essentially using the concept of software designed to maintain relationships between criminals and terrorists (a graphic relational database now know as "The Grid" on TV), but rather with public service persons of import and vast conglomerates, it becomes apparent what has happened because the same names keep popping up, no matter whether it's oil pipeline negotiations with the Taliban, or drug movements and money laundering of the Columbian cartels, or CIA intervention on behalf of the Shah of Iran, or the chemical attacks on the Kurds in Iraq. I'll give you a hint. It starts with William Casey, who brought Nazi SS into the CIA upon its inception, who negotiated, along with George Herbert Walker Bush, with the Iranians to withhold the release of the hostages until Reagan was elected (look up "October Surprise"), goes right through Haliburton and it's subsidiary Kellog, Brown and Root, who happen to be the largest warehousing company in all the drug riddled areas of the world, although they only have 8,000 SQ FT here in the US, and by virtue of corporations and their board members, CEOs, etc., continues to this day right to the White House. While I'm not saying that the Republican Party is responsible for this, the direction of the Republican Party has been a 50 year plan, started with criminals from Nazi Germany which foisted us into a serious Cold War, and straight on through to cocaine being sold in inner city ghettos, to the incomprehensible invasion of Panama and kidnapping of a sovereign President, to the invasion of Iraq for the purpose of gaining a military foothold in the Middle East and to take out another Bush41 buddy before the stuff hit the fans. Call it the mother of all conspiracies, if you wish, but the data is there and the only possible interpretation is astounding. Thomas Jefferson must be rolling in his grave.

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Jacque Donahue • 13 years ago

I have always loved listening to you Garrison. What you say is sadly so true. I can imagine your soft, thoughtful voice reciting these words. As always, you have drawn from the core of what the majority believes. Mr. Oplas, I am sorry that you have drank too much of the kool-aid. Don't worry sir, when George Bush is ousted, you will also be taken care of by the legally elected Democratic administration. Our plan for America leaves no American behind. My fear is that the criminal Republican party will pull some shenanigans with the election like they did in 2000. True republicans should wake up and realize, this is not the "Grand Old Party" anymore. It has been overun with criminals and traitors to the American people.

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Neil • 13 years ago

Spot on, Mr. Keillor! Your voice is a soothing as the late Cardinal's announcer Jack Buck's, especially airing a Saturday night game. And I would also include you with Keith Jackson. I think you could even do step-by-step roofing repair and it would still inspire; it would still be bring a smile. Thank you!

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John Benson • 13 years ago

Liked the article, but objected to the pithecanthropus reference. It would be more appropriate to call them Eoanthropus Republicanii. By this argument they are no longer the party of Lincoln and not representative of the ideals of the GOP when founded shouldn't they reference a hoax?

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Margo • 13 years ago

I am at a loss to explain the number of minimum wage workers (a bunch who work with my husband) that spew the hatriotic rhetoric of the current GOP. They actually believe that wealth is a sign from God that you are worthy. How they can explain away their lack of "worthiness" is beyond me. Apparently, W's bible omits the phrase about the rich man passing through the eye of the needle. If GW gets reelected in Nov, we're discussing emmigrating to New Zealand. I will greatly mourn the destruction of this great democratic experiment as the beacon of freedom and hope for the world burns out.

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Jennifer Goldszmidt • 13 years ago

I'm impressed with the comments I'm reading -- particularly Garrison's. But it's all so depressing... After watching Outfoxed and F911, I can't help but wonder how on earth we're ever going to get rid of this particular brand of Republican party. The corruption seems to go so deep and the money seems to be so attractive (not to mention abundant) that loosening the stranglehold these particular folks have on the country's goods, services, and people would be impossible. Or do I just need to go watch Mr. Smith Goes to Washington or something?

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B. Lundstrom • 13 years ago

Just my point of view, but coming from the land of Lake Wobegon, this writers following is like some of our lakes...drying up.

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Paul • 13 years ago

Dear Garrison: I rarely write fan letters, but this is perhaps the greatest, best-written, most outraged, and funniest indictment of the Bushies that I have ever read. May you live long and prosper.

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Dan Ancona • 13 years ago

I agree with some of the sentiments here, but I don't know how helpful the tone is. In addition to the categories Mr. Keillor lists, it's also (unfortunately enough) the party of my otherwise normal grandparents and sister. Neither of them are kooks, they've simply been lied to by the people who are in charge. Mr. Keillor may travel in circles where he doesn't come across many Republicans - I hardly do, it's a consequnce of how sadly fragmented our society has become. But I find it helpful to think of my decidedly non-kooky sister & grandma when I write on politics - and I fear the tone here wouldn't appeal to them. "Of any tactic, ask yourself how many people will be converted to our cause because of it, for that is all that matters." - paraphrasing Saul Alinsky

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Jason Galbraith • 13 years ago

Margo is entirely correct. Educated and successful people -- and even many who aren't (her husband makes minimum wage) -- have, thanks to globalization, the option of living in most countries in the world. If our own country assigns itself a mission of world conquest and its government proves that the actual definition of fascism is barbarism plus technology, then I suspect we have a MORAL DUTY to emigrate and prevent our children from becoming assets to be expended in wars for the continued profitability of the Fortune 500 (or such members thereof as are willing to identify themselves solely with the current regime).

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brad blanton • 13 years ago

Amen! Brad Blanton, Independent Candidate for Congress opposing the Republican incumbent for just the reasons you stated!

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David • 13 years ago

I and those close to me have lamented how Greed has become the driving force behind the GOP and you, Keieler, have hit the nail right on the head: Bush is filling the troughs for corporate pigs.

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m.anderson • 13 years ago

Excellent article! If we are to have a future, everyone must vote KERRY!

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cowpox • 13 years ago

A POISON TREE William Blake I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow. And I watered it in fears Night and morning with my tears, And I sunned it with smiles And with soft deceitful wiles. And it grew both day and night, Till it bore an apple bright, And my foe beheld it shine, And he knew that it was mine, And into my garden stole see more



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Barry • 13 years ago

Keillor is OUR Mark Twain... our Joe DiMaggio... our hero and true conscience. Stay healthy, friend. You have no idea how much we need you.

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Margo • 13 years ago

Yes, Jason, unchecked globalization is not serving the people. My husband is making more than the folks around him, but he's lost two jobs under this administration (one at the ethically- challenged Tyco and another due to W's steel industry bail-out) and our household income has fallen 20K/year. I guess our income just got moved up to wealthier, more deserving citizens. I appreciate your comments, Dan. I realize that there are GOP members/supporters that have been duped. Unfortunately for me, I have a sister that spouts the absurb garbage of neocon media entertainers like Bill O'Reilly.

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Joshua Daley • 13 years ago

Thank you, Mr. Keillor. It's nice to hear an intelligent American voice, after having my face rubbed in the repugnant ignorance of the hawkish elites who have hijacked my country for so long. There are those of us in this country who have a larger vision for the world, those of us who believe in love more than hate, and each of us are saddened by watching our country become a feared Empire that strikes first and asks the important questions later. I can't believe that it has come down to Kerry, another pro-war, Corporate stooge and the current illegitimate president. This is a sad day for America, and I fear that the electoral process will not fix the underlying problems that have beset this country. I will vote against Bush, but my faith is not in this vote. The real vote that we have as Americans is WHERE WE SPEND OUR MONEY. Who has given birth to this great, corporate beast that purchases our representatives, fabricates false wars and makes a giant, comic spectacle of our elections? It is the American consumer who daily feeds this monster, and it will be the educated American consumers who make the sacrifices necessary to starve these corporate giants into submission. The uninformed consumerism that characterizes America today is not what made us great. In fact, it is this self-centered, materialistic way of American life that must be stopped at all costs. We must learn who we are empowering with each dollar spent. Learn to use bio-diesel and other forms of alternative energy. Buy organic food. Don't support the big corporations that are represented in the current administration. (see www.opensecrets.org) Starve the giants. Slay Goliath on his own turf. The rest of the world is waiting with bated breath to see if Americans will take a small step in the direction of goodwill and peace at this election. But the real issues will remain, and it will require a new way of American life for us to make the long, hard trek back towards democracy.

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Joe Keene • 13 years ago

I guess because I'm a Republican, I'm going to burn in hell!

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Dexter Kemp • 13 years ago

Thank you Garrison. Hopefully this will serve to convinence some members of the corrupt GOP, they should change their minds about George W. Bush, and his inability to properly govern the American People. Just how corrupt is the GOP, we don't know yet, we are still pumping money into the Haliburton coffers, plus others that we haven't been told about at this time.

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keynesco • 13 years ago

Isn't it interesting..... I am 68 years old. America, during my life time, has always stayed strong and looking out for its citizens when it had a common enemy - the Great Depression, WWII, Korea, the Soviets. Now, without the USSR to focus on, America is turning on itself. The current situation reminds me of a snake trying to swallow itself. Gulp - there goes the middle class. Gulp - there goes high paying jobs. Gulp - there goes our two party system. Gulp - there goes decency, tolerance, balanced wirwaves. Eventually, it will fail. It is economically impossible for all of us to become CEO's.

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Mike Governa • 13 years ago

Dear Garrison, How can we get Petey Jennings, Dan Rather & the rest of the bunch to read this out loud as a hard news piece on primetime news? On second thought...it would probably traumatize the public to hear what's really going on. Great article. Gotta go...have to dose the local water supply with No-Doze. Thanks for your observations.

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Al Henry • 13 years ago

Garrison's comments are only too true, and my big worry now is that Sen. Kerry is simply lacking in the intellectual capacity and the core belief values to save us from another four years of the developing oligarchy.

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Corinne • 13 years ago

I was hooked from the get-go. Another brilliant indictment of George Bush from Garrison Keillor. If Keillor wrote the phone book, I would read it.

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Dave • 13 years ago

Garrison Keillor has added his voice to those who have spoken before him. Heroes everyone because they dare to challenge the path we are on, one that will only lead to our destruction. Thank God for true Patriots like Garrison Keillor!

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Bill Hager • 13 years ago

I am an American. I say that with pride of place, pride of heritage, and pride of a common culture that has historically embraced equality, fairness, and honesty. I would thank Mr. Keillor's for reminding all of us that we cannot allow the conservative right wing machine to steal from us our indentity as Americans. We have in our collective hands the opportunity to embrace the very American values of free thought, free will, and free expression. It is, indeed, time to stake our claim, not as outsiders, not as disenfranchised half citizens, but as the American children of Abraham Lincoln, Mother Jones and Rahsahn Roland Kirk. We cannot allow ourselves, any of us, to be riduculed, threatened or marginialize into silence. Now is the time, this is the place, onward into the future.

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fringe dweller • 13 years ago

Leon Singer wrote: "...Lets work and pray for a change in spite of the computerized-no-paper-trail voting machines..." If you live in an area that uses those machines, why not work around that by requesting an absentee ballot? I believe the form you request must be turned in by September 15th.

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